Being In Love/Advice

[JonaDiaper]

I won't deny that I was EXTREMELY happy when I was in "love" with my ex-girlfriend. However, it was really...a blissful ignorance. For one thing, I thought I loved her and I really didn't. For another, due to said "love" I was certain I was going to marry her, and...that obviously didn't happen. I'm extremely glad for that relationship because it taught me a lot about relationships in general, but it still wasn't the best thing ever. Eventually I broke up with her because I just wasn't ready for things to be moving as fast as they were and I realized as a result that I just wasn't ready for a relationship at all...I mean, relationships can be very stressful and draining. If you're with the right person, then it won't be, but the right person is very hard to find. One of my friends was in a relationship a few years ago with a guy who was sort of possessive and emo...I think it was sort of because he cared, but it didn't make it any less stressful. He got upset whenever she couldn't spend time with him at least once a week, didn't like her even getting near other guys (whilst hanging out with a girl whom, he had told her a while before they started going out, he used to like), or even spending too much time with her friends, etc.

I may just be bitter from my relationship, but I still think, not to put too fine a point to it, that relationships are highly overrated for the most part, at least in the earlier years of your life.

well i dont blame you...i used to think like that too... i mean im still young, almost 17, but when i was in middle school and stuff i was real immature...i couldnt handle a girl so i just said screw it...but then when you find the special one everything goes out the window man...

im sure you say what you say because of w/e happened in your past relationship...if you were still in it you would be typing about how amazing relationships are and stuff... but you know that happens alot, like when you think you have the right person, you wanna get married and stuff, but something happens and you know the story...your not the only one... but youll find that someone and your little "relationships are overated" comment will definitely change..

and i know for a fact it doesnt matter how young you are to be in love...i met my girl when i was like just turning 14 i think... and ever since then i knew that i loved her... i still do, and im sure about us...like super sure...i know youre thinking anything can happen, and thats true...but our relationship was founded at church, and i dont mean to sound religious, even tho i am, but we have God in our relationship...that helps alot...praying for eachother everyday, when problems arise we dont curse eachother out...its way different then a relationship without God in it... ive been there.... but yea

 

[Jam Stunna]

I know it's not popular to say this, but teenagers cannot be in love. Someone on these boards once wrote "Love is being willing to do anything for someone." Well, how can you be prepared to do anything for someone when you don't have to do anything for yourself? Most of you still live with your parents, and they feed you, shelter you, give you money, etc. You can't possibly love someone without understanding the responsibility that a relationship truly entails, and you can't understand that if you've never even been responsible for your own well-being.

I was seventeen once too, and I thought I knew what love was back then too. But that was six years ago for me (almost seven actually), and all that time has given me alot of perspective on what I thought love was then, and what I think it is now. That's not to diminish anyone's feelings, but you have to understand that what you're feeling isn't love, but an extremely powerful version of puppy love. You haven't had enough life experience to actually feel love.

Firus is absolutely right about how overrated relationships are in the first part of your life, especially if you don't put them in the proper context. Once you get older, you're going to meet thousands of more women, many of whom are smarter, sexier, hotter, and more competent than the girls you are exposed to in the confines of your school. The girl you are with right now is not going to be your wife, and teenagers tend to lose sight of the rest of the world when they're with somebody. You're too young to be tied down to one person. Get out there and experience things. That doesn't mean sleep around, but there are certain things that people who are single can do that people who are in relationships can't. At your current age, that is not a sacrifice worth making for anyone.

 

[Firus]

well i dont blame you...i used to think like that too... i mean im still young, almost 17, but when i was in middle school and stuff i was real immature...i couldnt handle a girl so i just said screw it...but then when you find the special one everything goes out the window man...

I don't think it's immature to not be ready for a relationship, I just think it means you're not ready. Aside from the stress, there's also the fact that...I dunno, there's just other things in life. At some point in everyone's life (unless you have a massive trust fund), you have to get a job. Some people are ready the moment they turn 16 and get a job, but others may not get a job until they get out of college. I wouldn't say it's immaturity, it's more a matter of preference.

im sure you say what you say because of w/e happened in your past relationship...if you were still in it you would be typing about how amazing relationships are and stuff... but you know that happens alot, like when you think you have the right person, you wanna get married and stuff, but something happens and you know the story...your not the only one... but youll find that someone and your little "relationships are overated" comment will definitely change..

Nothing actually HAPPENED in my past relationship...until the moment we broke up it could probably be considered a good relationship, it was just the fact that I realized that I wasn't ready for a relationship that made it happen (of course, afterwards I was convinced she was...evil or something, I don't know, but since then I realized that she really wasn't and I convinced myself that for whatever reason -- probably to make me feel better about breaking up with her). If I were in it I would still be typing about how amazing relationships are, most likely...but when I played Runescape I would've been saying how amazing it is, too. When you're experiencing something it's harder to be objective...of course it's not any easier once you've stopped, because I don't pretend that my relationship didn't affect my opinion of relationships today. But when I say they're overrated, it's more to say that they're held up too high rather than they should be held lower. If you surveyed High Schoolers, I'm sure at least 50% would say they're in a relationship. Now how many of those people actually care for the person they're in a relationship with, and how many are just together because it's cool to be dating?

Once you get older it generally goes away, but even then it's still "cool"er to be in a relationship. That's society's fault, but that's a rant for another day...

and i know for a fact it doesnt matter how young you are to be in love...i met my girl when i was like just turning 14 i think... and ever since then i knew that i loved her... i still do, and im sure about us...like super sure...i know youre thinking anything can happen, and thats true...but our relationship was founded at church, and i dont mean to sound religious, even tho i am, but we have God in our relationship...that helps alot...praying for eachother everyday, when problems arise we dont curse eachother out...its way different then a relationship without God in it... ive been there.... but yea

I don't know about that. I would've said the same thing back when I was in that relationship, and now my opinion has changed. I think it's harder to start a relationship when you're younger -- probably because you mature as you get older and you're a completely different person from when you start middle school to when you get out of college. It's not impossible, but few people get married who date in high school, and many of those who do have the marriage end in divorce. I'm not trying to bash your relationship or discourage you, because I know how much that annoyed me. I'm just telling you how I feel about it.

Not being a religious person myself, I don't really see how that necessarily helps personally, but to each his own, I suppose.

EDIT: I agree with Jam. Especially on the last part...even if you think you've found the right person right off the bat, it's not a good idea to marry the first person you date. Part of the purpose of dating is to know how you are when it comes to relationships and know what you want, get to know how different people are, etc. If you marry the first person you date, you're not really going to know what you want, and that's not good.

 

[Hive Mind]

I wish you weren't right Firus (like everyone else does), but you are.

Oh, woe is me.

EDIT: I just noticed. Isn't an apprentice suppose to come before a journeyman?

 

[Firus]

It sounds like it would, but it doesn't.

http://super-smash-bros.wikia.com/wiki/Smash_World_Forums

 

[Hive Mind]

Well, not in smash.

 

[Cherry64]

I don't think it's immature to not be ready for a relationship, I just think it means you're not ready. Aside from the stress, there's also the fact that...I dunno, there's just other things in life. At some point in everyone's life (unless you have a massive trust fund), you have to get a job. Some people are ready the moment they turn 16 and get a job, but others may not get a job until they get out of college. I wouldn't say it's immaturity, it's more a matter of preference.



Nothing actually HAPPENED in my past relationship...until the moment we broke up it could probably be considered a good relationship, it was just the fact that I realized that I wasn't ready for a relationship that made it happen (of course, afterwards I was convinced she was...evil or something, I don't know, but since then I realized that she really wasn't and I convinced myself that for whatever reason -- probably to make me feel better about breaking up with her). If I were in it I would still be typing about how amazing relationships are, most likely...but when I played Runescape I would've been saying how amazing it is, too. When you're experiencing something it's harder to be objective...of course it's not any easier once you've stopped, because I don't pretend that my relationship didn't affect my opinion of relationships today. But when I say they're overrated, it's more to say that they're held up too high rather than they should be held lower. If you surveyed High Schoolers, I'm sure at least 50% would say they're in a relationship. Now how many of those people actually care for the person they're in a relationship with, and how many are just together because it's cool to be dating?

Once you get older it generally goes away, but even then it's still "cool"er to be in a relationship. That's society's fault, but that's a rant for another day...



I don't know about that. I would've said the same thing back when I was in that relationship, and now my opinion has changed. I think it's harder to start a relationship when you're younger -- probably because you mature as you get older and you're a completely different person from when you start middle school to when you get out of college. It's not impossible, but few people get married who date in high school, and many of those who do have the marriage end in divorce. I'm not trying to bash your relationship or discourage you, because I know how much that annoyed me. I'm just telling you how I feel about it.

Not being a religious person myself, I don't really see how that necessarily helps personally, but to each his own, I suppose.

EDIT: I agree with Jam. Especially on the last part...even if you think you've found the right person right off the bat, it's not a good idea to marry the first person you date. Part of the purpose of dating is to know how you are when it comes to relationships and know what you want, get to know how different people are, etc. If you marry the first person you date, you're not really going to know what you want, and that's not good.

Dude... You and jam are actually really right about this. Most likely because of your experience. I fully agree with the part you said Firus "when your experiencing something it's harder to be objective" it's bias. Sadly another one of human natures also caused by society, and as you'd say another rant for another day.

all in all though that kind of did open my eyes a little bit

 

[Redson]

I find it amazing this thread is still active. I think I posted here back in November with my pitiful little sob story.

Jam, I partially agree with you. Even after my, ehm, 'traumatizing' experience with the person I fell in love with, what could I truly have given up? You're right: my parents provide for me in every way. I do almost nothing on my own. However, there is one, gigantic thing that you overlook.

Life.

One of my best friends told me once, "Life is the only thing we have that is truly ours." She's right. Even when there is nothing else to give away, the gift of life is the most beautiful thing that anyone can ever give. It could be shown in so many ways, some negative, some positive. Would I have taken a bullet for the woman I loved, ending my own life prematurely so that she could go on?

You bet.

I think that's all teenagers can give, though. When someone between the ages of 12-17 says that they "love" someone, what they are feeling is most likely a sense of lust or mild infatuation. I don't think that many people are truly capable of experiencing something as beautiful as love at a young age. This isn't to say it can't happen, but I do think that it's rare. And unfortunate, when it does happen.

"There is no greater thing in the world than to be loved unconditionally."

QFT. Old friend said that to me.

 

[JonaDiaper]

that was a really good post..thumbs up lol

love may be rare to find at my age, but you know when youve found it...and i have

its just something your sure of once you get to a certain point...

although i believe anyone can find it at anytime if theyre mature enough...

i just think its about how much your willing to give/take and how much that person will give/take

love can happen between anyone thats willing i think..

 

[Grey Belnades]

trust me, people can find love even when they are say 17, thats how old i was when i met my now fiancee, its also where i met her that you dont think people would find love there but i did, advice? if your in a relationship, do everything you can to keep yourself with that person even if it means ditching your friends or supporting them, imo, its worth it

 

[Cherry64]

that was a really good post..thumbs up lol

love may be rare to find at my age, but you know when youve found it...and i have

its just something your sure of once you get to a certain point...

although i believe anyone can find it at anytime if theyre mature enough...

i just think its about how much your willing to give/take and how much that person will give/take

love can happen between anyone thats willing i think..

Lol, I totally see love as what will you do and or sacrafice for the other person. well I guess not love just a relationship :\

 

[Firus]

advice? if your in a relationship, do everything you can to keep yourself with that person even if it means ditching your friends or supporting them, imo, its worth it

That's really bad advice in my opinion. If you care for someone you should spend time with them but don't give up your friends and your entire life to be with them. Every relationship isn't going to end in happily ever after, and if you ditch your friends every time you find a relationship you're going to be out of friends fast.

Don't ditch either. Make time for both. And in my opinion, if your boyfriend/girlfriend insists that you dedicate all of your time to them you shouldn't stay with them.

 

[Grey Belnades]

That's really bad advice in my opinion. If you care for someone you should spend time with them but don't give up your friends and your entire life to be with them. Every relationship isn't going to end in happily ever after, and if you ditch your friends every time you find a relationship you're going to be out of friends fast.

Don't ditch either. Make time for both. And in my opinion, if your boyfriend/girlfriend insists that you dedicate all of your time to them you shouldn't stay with them.

yeah, sorry, im still new at this

 

[Cherry64]

Sorry Black, I agree with firus. How can I not agree with him, He mains samus and that means he knows what's up ^^

plus i think it's true. I had a girlfriend like that, and I loved being with her it was awesome and fun but I didn't get friend time, you NEED friend time in a relationship it's actually a neeed or else you'll find yourself ranting about your girlfriend to her close friends and that gets you in trouble.

 

[JonaDiaper]

That's really bad advice in my opinion. If you care for someone you should spend time with them but don't give up your friends and your entire life to be with them. Every relationship isn't going to end in happily ever after, and if you ditch your friends every time you find a relationship you're going to be out of friends fast.

Don't ditch either. Make time for both. And in my opinion, if your boyfriend/girlfriend insists that you dedicate all of your time to them you shouldn't stay with them.

it depends what type of relationship your in...if your in it to win it(like marry her or w/e) then screw your friends man..friends come and go but a wife SHOULD only be once in a lifetime.

Sorry Black, I agree with firus. How can I not agree with him, He mains samus and that means he knows what's up ^^

plus i think it's true. I had a girlfriend like that, and I loved being with her it was awesome and fun but I didn't get friend time, you NEED friend time in a relationship it's actually a neeed or else you'll find yourself ranting about your girlfriend to her close friends and that gets you in trouble.

ew man if i ever have something bad to say about my girl which is hardly ever, i say it to her... were like open and stuff...we call eachother ugly on a daily basis...its all about communication lol

yeah, sorry, im still new at this

i think black is right..if your saying that you aint that new
man i ditch whoever to be with my girl or to make her happy
if she doesnt want me talking to a certain person i say whatever you want babe
do you really think that friends>girlfriend when the odds are you wont be friends with that person in the next 5 years mean while that girl could be your wife for the rest of your life?
yea man..

 

[Cherry64]

ew man if i ever have something bad to say about my girl which is hardly ever, i say it to her... were like open and stuff...we call eachother ugly on a daily basis...its all about communication lol

Lol back when I was in high school I was a douche to girls but I didn't openly insult them :\ I got yelled at for making them feel down and that was the last thing I wanted. just every time I went to be nice they'd lose interest so I continue'd along my douchey ways. That, which I was speaking off though is something that I think is better than telling her the problem right away.
If it persists yes I will talk to her about it for sure but why worry her if it's just a mood swing or something like that.

 

[IC3R]

I'd have to say I disagree with Jonah on the whole "your friends may not be there in five years, so put your girlfriend (or boyfriend) above them" thing; I've had experience with this situation--on the receiving end.

If any of you recall, back in Nov/December I mentioned a friend who had run off with a guy and left most, if not all, of her friends in the dust. He pretty much told her "I don't want you hanging out with those freaks", and she complied. When I got that phone call from her on her birthday last year, I could tell she wasn't happy; she said that she missed us. The guy she was dating was both physically and mentally abusing her, and I didn't find out until just last month. Though it's not exactly five years, the idea is still applicable.

That experience was unpleasant for everyone, but something good came out of it: she is now married (not to the same guy, thank God), and has a secure position within the ranks of the Air Force. He's treating her quite well, or so she tells me, and we still talk on occasion. Overall, it is a much better situation now than it was then...


Using my experience with this, I'm going to say "You will miss your friends, believe me." You shouldn't have to give up your friends for her, simply because she demanded it. We all have our own balls to juggle, and we are walking along a tightrope we call Life.
If you can't juggle everything and balance well, you're going to fall off of that tightrope, and either get seriously injured--or even die. (Emotionally, I mean. Only physically if you have heart problems/are emo/etc.) I've fallen off once, and I will be better prepared the next time another ball appears in my hand.


------------------------
As for my current relationship status: I am single at the moment, though that will change in due time. My ex-girlfriend and I hit a real rough spot, and we couldn't see each other at all for about three weeks straight, and our phone conversations grew less frequent, and grew less lengthy. We broke up in late December.

She started going out with other guys, but none of them lasted very long, as compared to my run (4.75 months, WOOT!). I, myself, was at least trying to find another ideal mate, but to avail. We still talked occasionally, and they were rather good talks--as opposed to the ones during the three-week period of "no-see".

I've gone through a series of both physical and mental changes, in hopes to be a good choice for a girl (though her, preferrably)

She broke up with the most recent boyfriend just this Sunday night, and I'm still just biding my time. But, that's not my primary concern, at the moment...There is a much bigger issue at hand than my relationship...


------------------------
Yeah, I'm fauning over my ex; isn't that pathetic?

Well, I figured I'd pop back up, and see what's happening. Just giving out a summary report of my life...keep the love , man~


-IC3R, Official Star Warrior

 

[Redson]

trust me, people can find love even when they are say 17, thats how old i was when i met my now fiancee, its also where i met her that you dont think people would find love there but i did, advice? if your in a relationship, do everything you can to keep yourself with that person even if it means ditching your friends or supporting them, imo, its worth it

Funny- when I was betrayed and had no where else to turn, my friends were still there for me.

That's just me, though. Because I never let them go. Why would I let go of people that cared?

 

[Firus]

it depends what type of relationship your in...if your in it to win it(like marry her or w/e) then screw your friends man..friends come and go but a wife SHOULD only be once in a lifetime.

Unless your friends suck, they won't come and go that much unless you're going through a transition like high school to college, college to getting a regular job, or just moving.

And that's just a really sucky attitude. So say your friends are there for you through thick and thin, you're best friends for five years or more. Then a girl comes along, you think she might be the one so you just ditch them to be with her.

That's just mean. You are ALLOWED to have friends in a marriage, and you should be able to. You should especially have friends in a normal relationship, because the girl you think is so special may not feel the same way about you and may break up with you shortly after. Then you're out of friends and I wouldn't feel a bit sorry for you because you **** well deserve it if you kick them to the curb just for a girl you MIGHT marry.

ew man if i ever have something bad to say about my girl which is hardly ever, i say it to her... were like open and stuff...we call eachother ugly on a daily basis...its all about communication lol

Being that open isn't any healthier than bottling it all up. You have to communicate but if you're that open...
Have you ever watched Everybody Loves Raymond? If you have, pay attention to Marie and Frank Barone. Do you really want to become them? I sure as hell don't.

You HAVE to vent. It's healthy to vent. If it's a consistent issue you should definitely say something, but if it's just a one time thing venting can make you feel better and you don't need to have an argument.

i think black is right..if your saying that you aint that new
man i ditch whoever to be with my girl or to make her happy
if she doesnt want me talking to a certain person i say whatever you want babe

That's not healthy. You shouldn't just be who your girlfriend wants you to be. You shouldn't follow her around like a little puppy on a leash. That's just...seriously, not healthy. If she's that controlling for no reason she is NOT the kind of person you should be in a relationship with.

do you really think that friends>girlfriend when the odds are you wont be friends with that person in the next 5 years mean while that girl could be your wife for the rest of your life?
yea man..

COULD. COULD.

I don't even know how to find words to explain this, but it's just...you don't...ditch your friends for every girl you meet, that's just not right. If you don't end up marrying the girl, odds are you're going to break up and never see each other again.

Also, again; unless you're going through a transition which prevents you from being with the people you're friends with, or your friends are going through a transition, you probably will be friends with them in five years. Friends are important, and they're people too. If they're decent people it's just not fair to do that, and if you have that attitude...just go without friends, don't treat them as being so disposable. I personally really like having friends -- I don't have a relationship, but even when I did it was nice to have friends, especially when it came to advice on what I should do with my relationship when I was questioning whether I really wanted to be in a relationship, one of my friends helped me a TON, and while I spent less time with them during my relationship if I had ditched them altogether I would've been freaking out not knowing whether or not to break up with her. I know you're approaching this from the standpoint that you ARE going to get married, but I don't see that as being as realistic as you seem to think. I know every person is different, but I'm telling you that that is EXACTLY how I thought about my ex when I was still with her. I don't want to try and break you up but be careful about assuming that for sure. If the worst happens and you break up, you aren't going to be able to handle it if you were convinced you were getting married to her.

I don't mean this as an insult, but I seriously think your habits when it comes to relationships are...unhealthy.

 

[Zook]

Awkward situation!

There's this friend of mine (I won't say her name), but I met her a year ago in Gym class. So time passed, nothing much happened.

Then I added her on Facebook a week or so ago and we started talking a lot. Now she has a crush on me.

Thing is... I don't want a relationship right now. But at the same time, I'm a scared little boy who never says no to anything.

I think I'll just hide in the boy's bathroom from now on...

 

[The Dinkoman]

I think Firus should become a mod for at least 2 days so he can straiten every single thread up and turn it into an intelligent conversation.

But I'm going to have to agree with Firus. I'd like to keep my friends.

Zook: Confront her, tell her what she wants to here, but in the way that you don't get what you didn't want.

If that made any sense at all.

 

[IC3R]

Poor Zook D:

 

[FB Dj_Iskascribble]

my story
Me and my fiance have been together for three years. Our problem lately is related to us wanting to get married shortly after her 18th birthday in june. I work currently, but i dont make alot of money, and she is unemployed. Our initial goal was to get married the 2nd of july. When i turn 19 in april im getting a promotion at my job that will allow me to make enough money for us to be on our own. But no matter what I/we say, our parents have issues with our idea. I am her first boyfriend and she is my first serious girlfriend, and they seem to think that we are both unready to be together. They want us to see other people which is infathomable to me and her. We are very very close, have great communication and share everything. Me and her have the best relationship that i know specifically out of my friends. And if we feel that we are ready to get married then why is it an issue with family? Do you guys feel that a specific age is required for marriage as our parents do? Or do you agree with me in thinking that it is couple specific, and also in relation to maturity and financial levels (which we currently meet)?

Also, in the event that I dont get the promotion i am supposed to, and we are finnancially unable to move out immediately, we still would like to wed and proceed to live seperately for a small period of time until we get on our feet. This also is highly opposed by our family. I hardly ever get to see her anymore (around once a week at most for a few hours), and when i do we are usually never allowed to go anywhere or do anything (overprotective much?) and the sad part is, is that i have a fairily high reputation of being a trustworthy and good person. and so does she. So our reason for living seperately while married is being able to save money while having the benefits of being able to see each other as often as possible without restrictions on what we do or where we go. But no matter how many times i try to argue my point I am usually never given a chance to finish my sentence. So i ask you guys: is this really a stupid idea? I appreaciate whoever spends the time to read my little rant.

 

[abit_rusty]

Amen Firus, amen.

@ dj

I can see your point of view here. While I do feel that the decision to marry and the conditions surrounding it is "couple-specific", as you put, I can see your parents' views as well. From what you described, it seems that the promotion is not guaranteed. Furthermore, I don't think you mentioned anything about current post-secondary education, which is what could possibly lead to a better, higher paying job. Couple that with the fact that your girlfriend doesn't have a job yet, and it becomes a recipe of uncertainty for parents across the nation. They just don't want you to be too rash in your decision. From my point of view, it seems as if you aren't guaranteed to be financially stable as of yet. While we dream of an ideal world where love triumphs all and your special someone is all you need to eat, drink, and breathe, that isn't the case. This is probably what is raising a red flag with your parents. They care about your security and your future, and as of now they probably feel that in your current situation, you aren't ready for such a commitment.

I can try to give you advice but I probably need more information...or you can disregard what I said if you disagree.

 

[Firus]

Awkward situation!

There's this friend of mine (I won't say her name), but I met her a year ago in Gym class. So time passed, nothing much happened.

Then I added her on Facebook a week or so ago and we started talking a lot. Now she has a crush on me.

Thing is... I don't want a relationship right now. But at the same time, I'm a scared little boy who never says no to anything.

I think I'll just hide in the boy's bathroom from now on...

You'll come out of it a winner -- you are Zook, after all, so you always win. =P

In all seriousness, though...I can definitely see that as an awkward situation. I can easily put myself in that place because there are girls I can think of whom I would go out with (not that I would ask them, but if they asked me), except for the fact that I really am not interested in a relationship at the moment, and when I think about what I would do...I can't think of what to do.

I think I would probably get up whatever courage I have and say in the most kind way possible that I am not really interested in being in a relationship at the moment -- that I like the girl, and would gladly go out with her but I'm just not ready for a relationship at the moment. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, because that's the sorta "I know I should do it but I don't want to" answer, but it'd be worse for you to not speak up and end up in a relationship which you don't want to be in, possibly have her become MORE interested in you, only to be broken up with in a relatively short time because you really don't want to be in a relationship.

Good luck, though; I hope it turns out for the best for you.

I think Firus should become a mod for at least 2 days so he can straiten every single thread up and turn it into an intelligent conversation.

But I'm going to have to agree with Firus. I'd like to keep my friends.

Haha, thanks.

Amen Firus, amen.

Thank you. =)

 

[FB Dj_Iskascribble]

Amen Firus, amen.

@ dj

I can see your point of view here. While I do feel that the decision to marry and the conditions surrounding it is "couple-specific", as you put, I can see your parents' views as well. From what you described, it seems that the promotion is not guaranteed. Furthermore, I don't think you mentioned anything about current post-secondary education, which is what could possibly lead to a better, higher paying job. Couple that with the fact that your girlfriend doesn't have a job yet, and it becomes a recipe of uncertainty for parents across the nation. They just don't want you to be too rash in your decision. From my point of view, it seems as if you aren't guaranteed to be financially stable as of yet. While we dream of an ideal world where love triumphs all and your special someone is all you need to eat, drink, and breathe, that isn't the case. This is probably what is raising a red flag with your parents. They care about your security and your future, and as of now they probably feel that in your current situation, you aren't ready for such a commitment.

I can try to give you advice but I probably need more information...or you can disregard what I said if you disagree.

That uncertianty is the main reasoning behind the second paragraph, in which we would wait until we are stable, but would like to go ahead with the commitment in the mean time to start a joint account/other things in order to gather data about how much we really make/will need in the future. I am currently in college on free scholarship for architecture, which even internships in this field pay very well. I also understand where our parents are coming from as far as rashness is concerned, but i feel as if they are a bit "too" paranoid. It would make more sense if others knew how irrational they are with everything else, so i can see if my plans seem to rushed. We have been planning that day for about two years now and i am just really really upset that the day I was looking forward to for a long time may not happen. So i guess im just looking for some way around waiting.
still, i appreciate your response

 

[Zook]

Zook: Confront her, tell her what she wants to here, but in the way that you don't get what you didn't want.

If that made any sense at all.

...Uh?

Poor Zook D:

Bahaha IC3R, we need to talk more. Remember the "Good Ol' Days" of the PC?

You'll come out of it a winner -- you are Zook, after all, so you always win. =P

...I miss you guys.

In all seriousness, though...I can definitely see that as an awkward situation. I can easily put myself in that place because there are girls I can think of whom I would go out with (not that I would ask them, but if they asked me), except for the fact that I really am not interested in a relationship at the moment, and when I think about what I would do...I can't think of what to do.

I think I would probably get up whatever courage I have and say in the most kind way possible that I am not really interested in being in a relationship at the moment -- that I like the girl, and would gladly go out with her but I'm just not ready for a relationship at the moment. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, because that's the sorta "I know I should do it but I don't want to" answer, but it'd be worse for you to not speak up and end up in a relationship which you don't want to be in, possibly have her become MORE interested in you, only to be broken up with in a relatively short time because you really don't want to be in a relationship.

Good luck, though; I hope it turns out for the best for you.

I think you understand me pretty well, Firus. I can't think of any reason I want a relationship right now.

I would like to talk to her about it, but I don't think I could muster up the courage. But, at the same time, I don't want to hurt her. But, at the same time, I don't want her infatuation to swell up and burst all over her face.

Urk. I'll just wait until the situation arises where the topic comes up, and gently decline.

 

[Proverbs]

^Er...I don't know if that's the best idea.

Don't lose courage, Zook, firstly. That's not a good way to go around living life. And I know you don't want to hurt her or anything, but it's just going to hurt her more the longer you wait to say something. If I were you I'd tell her ASAP. And if she's the type to have her infatuation swell up and burst all over her face--I'm not sure you'd want to date her either way <.<;;

And don't 'gently decline'. That'll just make her think that there's a possibility in the future. You need to let her know (as gently as possible) exactly what's going on. The more precise you can be, the better. Because if you're not clear the first time, they'll hold onto whatever word you accidentally said that seemed to show a ray of hope and if you later make things clearer, they'll claim you led them on, et cetera. It's not a good situation. Just be clear from the outset. If you like the girl, let her know that you do, but just aren't ready for a relationship. If you just don't like her at all, you have to make that clear too. That's my advice.

But yeah, definitely don't get into a relationship if you're not really interested in this girl. That's the way terribly painful relationships begin.

 

[Hive Mind]

trust me, people can find love even when they are say 17, thats how old i was when i met my now fiancee, its also where i met her that you dont think people would find love there but i did, advice? if your in a relationship, do everything you can to keep yourself with that person even if it means ditching your friends or supporting them, imo, its worth it

Bros b4 ho's man

 

[Jam Stunna]

my story
Me and my fiance have been together for three years. Our problem lately is related to us wanting to get married shortly after her 18th birthday in june. I work currently, but i dont make alot of money, and she is unemployed. Our initial goal was to get married the 2nd of july. When i turn 19 in april im getting a promotion at my job that will allow me to make enough money for us to be on our own. But no matter what I/we say, our parents have issues with our idea. I am her first boyfriend and she is my first serious girlfriend, and they seem to think that we are both unready to be together. They want us to see other people which is infathomable to me and her. We are very very close, have great communication and share everything. Me and her have the best relationship that i know specifically out of my friends. And if we feel that we are ready to get married then why is it an issue with family? Do you guys feel that a specific age is required for marriage as our parents do? Or do you agree with me in thinking that it is couple specific, and also in relation to maturity and financial levels (which we currently meet)?

Also, in the event that I dont get the promotion i am supposed to, and we are finnancially unable to move out immediately, we still would like to wed and proceed to live seperately for a small period of time until we get on our feet. This also is highly opposed by our family. I hardly ever get to see her anymore (around once a week at most for a few hours), and when i do we are usually never allowed to go anywhere or do anything (overprotective much?) and the sad part is, is that i have a fairily high reputation of being a trustworthy and good person. and so does she. So our reason for living seperately while married is being able to save money while having the benefits of being able to see each other as often as possible without restrictions on what we do or where we go. But no matter how many times i try to argue my point I am usually never given a chance to finish my sentence. So i ask you guys: is this really a stupid idea? I appreaciate whoever spends the time to read my little rant.

As someone who did marry his first girlfriend, I am strongly opposed to anyone else doing the same. Everyone likes to think that they're situation is unique and special, and that somehow they'll beat the odds and everything will work out in the end, myself included. In reality, you're simply stacking the deck against yourself, and there's really no reason to do that.

I think that an important distinction between myself and you is that I was 22 when I got married. I'd been to college, met many different people (and many different girls), and had four years to grow and learn about myself before I committed to marriage. Even with all that said, if my wife and I don't last, well, we walked into a difficult situation to begin with. It would be more surprising (miraculous, even) if we stayed together than if we split. The same will be true for your marriage.

The decision to get married young is an incredible uphill battle. Get it out of your head that your relationship is special and unique, because it's not, just like mine isn't. The odds are against you, much more so because you will be getting married right out of high school. You have to face the facts that your parents are right, this is a terrible idea. Work to prove them wrong, because you're in for a serious struggle.

 

[Redson]

Zook, I've wanted to say this ever since I saw your avatar a year ago when I joined this place, but never got the proper opportunity to do so without it counting as spam and being infracted.

I totally love Jeff Smith's Bone.

Anyway, back on topic...


DJ; I honestly think that you should wait until you're more financially stable. I agree with Jam completely on this one. It's a terrible idea. You're still far too young for marriage, as well. It's also rare that first relationships ever really work out, and it pains me to say that. Sorry, but I think you should reconsider and try to be more patient.

 

[El Nino]

do you really think that friends>girlfriend when the odds are you wont be friends with that person in the next 5 years mean while that girl could be your wife for the rest of your life?
yea man..

I have many of the same friends I've had for five to ten years, but none of us are dating the same people we were dating when we all met and became friends. I know this is just my experience, but I thought I'd mention it. It depends on the situation, and yes, it is possible that there are people willing to stick with you as friends longer than a significant other would.

Lol, I totally see love as what will you do and or sacrafice for the other person. well I guess not love just a relationship :\

Sure. But you also realize, don't you, that the more you sacrifice for another person, the higher your expectations for that person will tend to be? Even if it's not intended, even if you mean it to be a completely self-less act, sometimes things will creep into your subconscious. If you put some money into a project that fails, you may only have lingering regrets. But if you put your entire life savings into a ship that later sinks, and that could break you.

Furthermore, it isn't fair to the other person who has to live up to those expectations.

Do you guys feel that a specific age is required for marriage as our parents do? Or do you agree with me in thinking that it is couple specific, and also in relation to maturity and financial levels (which we currently meet)?

I can't advise on marriage or overprotective parents. I can say, however, that finances, more than anything else, can wreck a relationship. You two can still live apart and get financially stable without having to marry. I understand you wanting to escape your overbearing families, but the best way to do that is to gain financial independence first. Marriage is not going to make you more independent. But being able to support yourself might.

 

[Cherry64]

I guess so yeah. about both parts, Never really thought about it like that before but I'll try to next time.

 

[Halaster]

my story
Me and my fiance have been together for three years. Our problem lately is related to us wanting to get married shortly after her 18th birthday in june. I work currently, but i dont make alot of money, and she is unemployed. Our initial goal was to get married the 2nd of july. When i turn 19 in april im getting a promotion at my job that will allow me to make enough money for us to be on our own. But no matter what I/we say, our parents have issues with our idea. I am her first boyfriend and she is my first serious girlfriend, and they seem to think that we are both unready to be together. They want us to see other people which is infathomable to me and her. We are very very close, have great communication and share everything. Me and her have the best relationship that i know specifically out of my friends. And if we feel that we are ready to get married then why is it an issue with family? Do you guys feel that a specific age is required for marriage as our parents do? Or do you agree with me in thinking that it is couple specific, and also in relation to maturity and financial levels (which we currently meet)?

Also, in the event that I dont get the promotion i am supposed to, and we are finnancially unable to move out immediately, we still would like to wed and proceed to live seperately for a small period of time until we get on our feet. This also is highly opposed by our family. I hardly ever get to see her anymore (around once a week at most for a few hours), and when i do we are usually never allowed to go anywhere or do anything (overprotective much?) and the sad part is, is that i have a fairily high reputation of being a trustworthy and good person. and so does she. So our reason for living seperately while married is being able to save money while having the benefits of being able to see each other as often as possible without restrictions on what we do or where we go. But no matter how many times i try to argue my point I am usually never given a chance to finish my sentence. So i ask you guys: is this really a stupid idea? I appreaciate whoever spends the time to read my little rant.

I think that those who have been saying that simply because this is your first relationship you shouldn't get married are wrong. If you guys have genuinely good communication and share everything as you describe I think you are a fair bit ahead of most couples who have had far more "experience". It isn't a stupid idea, and it isn't good that any attempts to actually discuss the issue are cut short by your families, that'll get things nowhere fast, aside from straining relationships.

It also seems that you guys have seriously thought about this if you've considered the financial aspects. Naturally proceed thoughtfully because marriage is a big deal, I hope things work out for the best.

 

[Cherry64]

As someone who did marry his first girlfriend, I am strongly opposed to anyone else doing the same. Everyone likes to think that they're situation is unique and special, and that somehow they'll beat the odds and everything will work out in the end, myself included. In reality, you're simply stacking the deck against yourself, and there's really no reason to do that.

I think that an important distinction between myself and you is that I was 22 when I got married. I'd been to college, met many different people (and many different girls), and had four years to grow and learn about myself before I committed to marriage. Even with all that said, if my wife and I don't last, well, we walked into a difficult situation to begin with. It would be more surprising (miraculous, even) if we stayed together than if we split. The same will be true for your marriage.

The decision to get married young is an incredible uphill battle. Get it out of your head that your relationship is special and unique, because it's not, just like mine isn't. The odds are against you, much more so because you will be getting married right out of high school. You have to face the facts that your parents are right, this is a terrible idea. Work to prove them wrong, because you're in for a serious struggle.

I Have a friend who got engaged to someone after dating her for 5 months, I am going to forward this to him Asap. I completely agree with you and I like taht because you sir have much more experience here than others do and you are the norm. People will always think that they are the unique ones, but your not. Especially if it's the first girl you have sex with. You are going to want to try different things out, and sex on it's own almost kills the relationship most of the time.

Jam if you have any other advice here about my buddy post it here for all to read and for me to once again, Copy Pasta it to him. Much appreciated

 

[Jam Stunna]

Well, what's your buddy's situation exactly?

 

[LordoftheMorning]

Man..... my first and only relationship isn't going anywhere. At first, I thought I was in love, and maybe I was, but now I think I was just amazed to have a girl kissing me. Real love I'm willing to bet isn't so transient. 6-8 months later I'm still in the same relationship, but now I feel used. My girlfriend is so blunt and insensitive. We never talk about anything important, and she's always condescending me. It's not an equal relationship, and I really think I should break up with her. I'm just scared of hurting her. The way she acts toward me doesn't really reflect a feeling of love, but I just can't be sure. I don't believe in having sex before marriage, but all the same I feel like she's just using me. Idk... Just wanted to post something to vent.

That and I just realized how broken Snake is.

So guys, I "broke up" with my old girlfriend. And by "broke up" I mean "fell apart". My lack of enthusiasm for our relationship must have communicated itself to her, and we just sort of stopped talking. I haven't spoken to her for several months now. I'm just fine with that, though. Looking back, I don't recall being very interested in her from the get-go. She asked me to go with her to prom, and I just sort of agreed. I dunno. Learned some lessons since then, though. 1. Don't go out with a girl you're not interested in. 2. A purely physical relationship is useless. 3. Snake is still hella broken but I know the matchup now.

I started going to debate/speech tournaments this year. One of my best events is called Humorous Interpretation, in which I perform a 10 minute comedy skit with no props and only myself acting out every character. Here's a great example of what it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjR97oeBor4
Part two:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2F5j5pLXKs&feature=related
The script I chose is essentially a whole bunch of male-bias dating humor called "The Official Mens Guide to Successful First Dates and the Fruitful and Happy Lives That Will Naturally Follow" (sounds kinda cliche but I've worked with it and won two medals and a 1st-place trophy this year. I do most of it in a British, John Cleese-like accent. It's fun.). It's kind of sexist, I guess, but most people know it's just for fun.

So at the first tournament I ever went to, there was a girl competitor in my round who did an act called "Politically Correct Bed-Time Stories", which ironically, is equally sarcastic yet totally opposite to my own act. Anyways, I really enjoyed talking to her. She's a great person, and she hugged me when she found out I didn't get into the finals. We've been talking every tournament (There's been some 7-10). I found out her name is Claire, which is INSANE for me because this makes the 3rd Claire I've had a serious romantic interest in. I'm all smiles around her, and she seems to be the same. She's a person who builds me up, rather than put me down like my old girlfriend used to. That's means a lot to me.

I'd love to ask her out, but she goes to a different high school than I do. She's also a Senior, and I'm a Junior, and I have no idea where she'll be next year. There are only two tournaments left, District and State, so that'll be my last chances to talk to her. I really don't know what to do. I can't drive yet, she might go off to college, I'm still sort of a chicken, and she might very well have a boyfriend. I thought maybe I should offer to give her my email address if she wants to keep in touch... good idea? Idk, HALP! Thx to anyone who read my novel.

 

[Cherry64]

Well, what's your buddy's situation exactly?

He is the kind of guy with littel self confidence and likes being in a relationship because it makes him feel worthy and he wanted to get laid. Easiest way to get laid is a relationship. That's what he chose and it worked, but only after a few tries. He's sensative and emotional and when he isn't in a relationship feels unworthy.

He was dating this girl named Sadie and met a friend of hers that brought her friends along to a play date type thing. that's where he met his now Fiancee Becky. He dated Sadie for another 4 months even though they did not see each other or really talk to each other for the last three months because Sadie didn't want to be in the relationship anymore and didn't know how to tell him. He has no backbone whatsoever so he stayed in it hoping it would get better.

two weeks after they broke up Ben rebounded with Becky and they dated ever since. it's now been almost a year since they got together but the relationship is total garbage. He has to answer her at her beck and call or else she's get upset/mad. It's how she is, she is really fragile and doesn't trust people very much. They both lost their virginity to each other so that ties them together, and because of that event Becky did not want to lose him when she went away to school. So Ben proposed.

Sorry about mixing tenses around, it's how I write which makes what I write incredibly confusing unless you've read Aldous Huxley religiously.

 

[abit_rusty]

@ LordoftheMorning

You can try to get her number, but it would be a difficult endeavor to have some sort of relationship outside of friendship if she's going off to college and you'll still be a senior. College is just that drastically different from high school, with the vast array of people having some respect and maturity. Plus, like you said, you don't even know of her situation.

Still, it wouldn't hurt to talk to her and have some sort of contact between you two after these tournaments are over. Just man up and ask for her number (or what have you).

edit: I don't suppose you have your entry uploaded on youtube? Because that one you linked to was pretty entertaining.

 

[Jam Stunna]

He is the kind of guy with littel self confidence and likes being in a relationship because it makes him feel worthy and he wanted to get laid. Easiest way to get laid is a relationship. That's what he chose and it worked, but only after a few tries. He's sensative and emotional and when he isn't in a relationship feels unworthy.

He was dating this girl named Sadie and met a friend of hers that brought her friends along to a play date type thing. that's where he met his now Fiancee Becky. He dated Sadie for another 4 months even though they did not see each other or really talk to each other for the last three months because Sadie didn't want to be in the relationship anymore and didn't know how to tell him. He has no backbone whatsoever so he stayed in it hoping it would get better.

two weeks after they broke up Ben rebounded with Becky and they dated ever since. it's now been almost a year since they got together but the relationship is total garbage. He has to answer her at her beck and call or else she's get upset/mad. It's how she is, she is really fragile and doesn't trust people very much. They both lost their virginity to each other so that ties them together, and because of that event Becky did not want to lose him when she went away to school. So Ben proposed.

Sorry about mixing tenses around, it's how I write which makes what I write incredibly confusing unless you've read Aldous Huxley religiously.

Two people with confidence issues locked together by sex? Haha, good luck with that one.