Being In Love/Advice

[Jam Stunna]

do something for someone else when you dont have to do anything for yourself?

you have to be able to love yourself and be happy with who you are to be able to love someone else. thats probably the only requirement. the way you say it is like you cant fall in love in highschool because you dont have a job, you dont have a car or something.
none of that is necessary for falling in love and loving someone. even tho later on youll need it, it doesnt matter, that stuff comes with time. that doesnt mean you shouldnt, or cant fall in love, thats non sense.

That's exactly what I'm saying. There are responsibilities and obligations that come with love and a relationship. How can someone who's not even responsible for their own well-being be ready to guarantee someone else's?

 

[Proverbs]

Everything else I can agree with except this. I'm not going to try and explain this, because honestly, it can't be explained. Sex, and its connection to love, is something that can't be understood until you've experienced it.

You've made the decision to wait until marriage, and that's great. Basically, I'm just cautioning you against making claims like the one I bolded, because you don't know what you're talking about.

Now that I read what you're saying here, I understand exactly what you mean, and I agree. Unfortunately, a lot of people take this whole thing to mean "How can you buy a car before you test drive it?" Which now that I re-read it that's not what you're saying. Sorry about that, unfortunately that's what a lot of people think these days, that if you don't know how the person is in bed, you can't "be in love with them."

I do know that psychologically your affections for someone are incredibly magnified after having sex (more proof of a design that sex was for marriage only) and I'm assuming this is what you're referring to. It is, Biblically, the two becoming one flesh (Genesis 2:24). Later on, in the New Testament Paul states that the man's body is not his own, but also his wife's and vice versa. And, that part, I obviously don't understand. But I would say that someone can fall in love before having sex, but it obviously does not compare to being married (being one flesh) with someone.

That I understand, there is a great difference between before sex and after. But I would say that there is a state that can be called 'being in love' prior to having sex, but love cannot grow as much without as it can with sex.

I think being in love is similar to a flower. You can plant a seed, water it, take care of it and let it grow, but for it to become a flower, it must bloom. For that reason I would say that love can exist, but does not come to fruition until after one has sex.

So I would instead say that one is not technically in love until after sex, but one can be at the budding point of the flower, and make the decision that they know that they want it to blossom. Do you see where I'm coming from? That the prerequisites for love can be there, and that allows one to make the choice to really be in love.

This is why I'd discourage people from having multiple sexual partners because it does mess with your perception of love. If you throw around that bond that is formed when you have sex, it becomes much less important and dulled when one actually reaches marriage.

So, Jam, I would admit, you're definitely in the right here. It's just for different reasons than why the average person would say so.

EDIT: Actually, the way I'd put it is this: Until sex, you have the same love qualitatively for a person as you would a best friend with only hints of what is to come, after sex, you gain the actual romantic love. That's it put a bit more concisely. Jam's right, it is hard to describe, and even moreso for someone who's still a virgin.

 

[Shadow Moth]

I'm going to go on the record here and say that a fifth grader is literally incapable of loving someone besides their family members. A 10-year old does not possess the physical, mental or emotional maturity to love romantically.

Like Proverbs said, love is not just a feeling, it's action. I said this to someone else, and I still haven't received a satisfactory answer: how can you be willing to do anything for someone else when you don't have to do anything for yourself?



Everything else I can agree with except this. I'm not going to try and explain this, because honestly, it can't be explained. Sex, and its connection to love, is something that can't be understood until you've experienced it.

You've made the decision to wait until marriage, and that's great. Basically, I'm just cautioning you against making claims like the one I bolded, because you don't know what you're talking about.

OBJECTION!

I had a little brother and I frequently took care of him. What do you say to that?

do something for someone else when you dont have to do anything for yourself?

you have to be able to love yourself and be happy with who you are to be able to love someone else. thats probably the only requirement. the way you say it is like you cant fall in love in highschool because you dont have a job, you dont have a car or something.
none of that is necessary for falling in love and loving someone. even tho later on youll need it, it doesnt matter, that stuff comes with time. that doesnt mean you shouldnt, or cant fall in love, thats non sense.

and sex to love someone im kinda in between on that. i know you can love before you have sex, but then after sex the love is stronger, its a deeper kind of love.

600th post... d*mn you...

Dude, I was the "be yourself" poster child in fifth grade. I was the weirdest kid there because of it and I didn't just not mind, I liked it. Fun times are fun.


Edit: Oops, I'm a little late. Reading what you said, Proverbs, I can see what you guys mean but I personally think that romantic love can exist separately from the more intimate love that exist with sex.

 

[Jam Stunna]

OBJECTION!

I had a little brother and I frequently took care of him. What do you say to that?[

Were you the primary provider for him? Or are you trying to construe watching him until your parents came home into something that it actually wasn't?

 

[Mogwai]

sometimes I worry that people who are in the mindset of "I'm not going to have sex until marriage" rush into marriage as a subconscious means to get to the sex that they could be having anyway...

To the people with this mindset in this thread, do you ever worry about your subconscious motivations in this way?

 

[Proverbs]

Nope, not really. I start out with the idea that I'm ultimately looking for a wife anyway--so if someone's not worth marrying, they're not worth dating. Obviously dating someone helps you figure that out, but if it's not even a question, I don't spend my time dating them. Sounds kinda cold, but I've been in a lot of relationships that didn't work out, and I'm not looking for like 15 girls--I'm just looking for one. So why not set out looking for that one?

And I'm not in a huge rush to have sex or anything. I'm good as is.

 

[Shadow Moth]

Were you the primary provider for him? Or are you trying to construe watching him until your parents came home into something that it actually wasn't?

I wasn't a provider for him at all but I did have to do more than just sit around in the same house when my parents were out. With my brother it was never as simple as that. So no to both your questions.

 

[Frown]

There's this girl who's... well, perfect. She's friendly, intelligent, artistic, funny and she has some kind of aura that spreads happiness.

I want to tell her this. So I got this idea when I found five little envelopes. I was thinking of writing letters about what I like about her, send one letter per week for one month and reveal my identity in the fifth letter. Do you think she would like this?

 

[Proverbs]

Hahah, I had a similar idea--except kinda different and for a girl I would be asking to date steadily (and she would already know my identity the whole time).

Howeverrrrr, if you don't know the girl then it might/will be creepy. If you want to tell her, just say it. But, if you'd like to discuss this further, there's that thread I made specifically for giving advice for relationships:

http://www.smashboards.com/showthread.php?t=232478

Unfortunately few used it and made their own blogs...If you want do cast true resurrection, we might be able to get that thing going again ;D

 

[P.C. Jona]

There's this girl who's... well, perfect. She's friendly, intelligent, artistic, funny and she has some kind of aura that spreads happiness.

I want to tell her this. So I got this idea when I found five little envelopes. I was thinking of writing letters about what I like about her, send one letter per week for one month and reveal my identity in the fifth letter. Do you think she would like this?

well i dont know

its better to be upfront about things

i asked out a girl from school once and then we would always talk on the phone, but thats it
i could tell her anything over the phone but once it came to talking to her at school i couldnt do it, i would get nervous and stuff

dont hide behind letters
tell her everything yourself in person, it works, its better

@proverbs
lol what a rip off of my thread
cant do it like me tho =P

 

[abit_rusty]

@ Frown...it depends on the girl. If she's the type of girl that likes all that romantic mush...I think you're good to go. However, there are a lot of girls who really aren't into that kind of stuff and would prefer you being a little more straightforward (though not completely direct, it would be a huge blunder to just admit that you like her right away).

If she's the latter, you have to ease in on it, but make contact initially as opposed to this "secret admirer" business. If you're not sure, the second method is still (IMO) the better way to go, for reasons mentioned.

 

[P.C. Jona]

i totally forgot about this thread!

anyone have any stories to share ?

well i've been with my girlfriend for 2 years now, and i have to go to Guatemala for 10 days for church.

the band is gonna be playing over there and attracting people. my girlfriend is a little upset lol, but yea. idk

whats up people of the thread

 

[DarkLouis331]

I'm planning to tell a girl how I feel tonight. But it depends on if my friend can come to my house, and he doesn't know yet. It's driving me crazy. Because if he can't come, she can't come, and I'll have to wait until Friday-ish until we can meet in person again. I wanted to call her on the phone bc our circumstances make it hard for us to meet us in person, but people have persuaded me strongly to do it in person. But still...this waiting is killing me. And not being able to tell her is hurting me. >.< Auuuuggggh.

 

[Noman]

I've liked a girl for two years. She had a boyfriend for a huge chunk of that time (she's single now) but we were always still close friends. Since she left for college this year I was hoping that I would get over her after she left, but strangely enough, we've gotten even closer. Nothing has ever felt so right to me, so I plan to tell her how I feel at midnight on new years.

 

[P.C. Jona]

you guys shouldnt wait to long to say stuff

i used to do that to, i would plan a day to tell the girl i liked how i felt

it never ever worked

you just gotta do it, dive in head first and be confident

 

[Teran]

Holding it off is always a recipe for disaster.

If you leave your prey out, another predator will jump in and bite its neck.

 

[Cherry64]

Terans right, girls love to be bitten in the neck

 

[Sasha]

Terans right, girls love to be bitten in the neck

Exactly. This is why Twlight's so popular.

 

[Ghnaschnakoff]

I have a pretty long and complicated story to tell so bare with me.

So, I lived in Pittsburgh for the first 9 years of my life and had a best friend called Bec. She was basically my childhood crush and we would spend almost everyday together. Once I moved to Australia, I lost contact with her, until sometime last year. So we started emailing a lot and I would tell her everything and so would she. After talking to her for a said that it would cool if I could go back to America for her 16th birthday, so I asked my parents, they agreed and we planned a trip. We then had a year to keep talking to each other, so I figured since we were so close as kids that we could try to 'hook up' when I went back. She thought that that would be cool so I was really excited. Months had gone by and we were still talking nearly everyday and honestly I thought I loved her (I realise now that I was stupid for thinking this ). About 2 or so months before I was leaving, she tells me that a guy had asked her out and she really wanted to say yes, she told me this to see if I would be ok with her saying yes, it's not like I could've stopped her so I said I was ok with it (which obviously I wasn't at the time). So when the time came to fly to America, I figured I should talk to her about possibly 'hooking up'. I was really nervous when we arrived in Pittsburgh, she was there with her Dad and basically it was really awkward for the first week and I didn't bring it up until the second week I was with her. When I did bring it up she said 'Why not' because it's not like her boyfriend would find out and then I should've been happy but I felt like I was just pretending to be. I think I realised in that first week that I honestly just wanted to be friends with her. The second week was then more awkward than the first because we both expected the other to do something but I didn't want to and it made the trip overall bad. So now I'm a lot more cautious about getting close to someone because it might just be nothing and I might just end up feeling stupid again.

 

[P.C. Jona]

i honestly think you should have told her straight up no

you should have said please dont, cuz im going over there and i dont want anything to be in the way of us

its really your fault for not being honest

when you go into something you gotta be as honest as possible

if not it will complicate things when you become honest, or it will get worse when you keep hiding stuff and she finds out from someone/something else and finds out your a liar

i always try to be honest with my girlfriend because if not i would have to watch myself so i dont get caught in my lies or whatever i did...

idk

just be honest

 

[Cherry64]

L o l.

haha good story I would've done the same thing, but I would have hooked up with her for the glory points, wouldn't care if I liked the chick or not.
Anyways that sucks bout the trip suckin, and good thing you learned something from it, but the main thing would be why would you have a huuuge crush on someone that lives 9 billion miles away? sounds to me you were thinking about the prospect of dating and just wanted to get closer to her by hooking up, and keep the connection alive. Sadly it doesn't work like that, more like you turn them on then leave :S

 

[Ghnaschnakoff]

I don't think that that was the main problem though. The main problem why we didn't really click was that we had only talked over the internet in the year before we met up again and you have to admit that talking over the internet is 10000x easier than in person. Because we hadn't talked face to face in that year, I was thrown off by emotions that weren't real.
Stopping her from dating someone that she had liked and could actually talk to and be with in person is the worst thing that I could think of doing. I mean, who am I to say that she can't date someone if I'm half way around the world from her.
But the good thing is that I still talk to her and we are still friends and definitely want to meet up again and go to New York. I still want to be able to have feelings for her because she is a really awesome person but I guess you can't really force that.

@Cherry - Yeah 'glory points' weren't really my intention lol. I was definitely thinking of dating her and yeah all I wanted was just to be able to be close to someone for the first time.

 

[Cherry64]

eh, I like you, your a smart dude who thinks of others, so props to you man. pretty much how I saw it too.

 

[Ghnaschnakoff]

Haha thanks man.
Never thought venting about random stuff on Smashboards would help but it did kinda.

 

[P.C. Jona]

nah venting definitely helps on smashboards

i've dont it like 5 times and people always say stuff to help

i love my thread

@cherry i would definitely think your a chick from your avatar/name/maining samus lol no lie
idk why

 

[Cherry64]

Hahaha I know a few peeps IRL on here that can fess up. I'm just an average Joe, with a large ego and a big heart, but I can see where your coming from.

My dad had cherry's tattoo'd on his arm and so I figured I'd tribute my name to him because he and my mother got divorced and he moved out. Didn't like him much but figure I'd best give him what he deserved, and this was all I could give him.

yeah we didn't get along very well

 

[Ghnaschnakoff]

Yeah, I'll definitely come back to this when I next have an emotional breakdown.

 

[P.C. Jona]

Hahaha I know a few peeps IRL on here that can fess up. I'm just an average Joe, with a large ego and a big heart, but I can see where your coming from.

My dad had cherry's tattoo'd on his arm and so I figured I'd tribute my name to him because he and my mother got divorced and he moved out. Didn't like him much but figure I'd best give him what he deserved, and this was all I could give him.

yeah we didn't get along very well

werd i think my parents are gonna get divorced soon too. they talked about it but now they stopped. i think theyre just waiting for my mom to finish her nursing class thing.

im just waiting to get out of highschool to go move with my grandparents and make money

Yeah, I'll definitely come back to this when I next have an emotional breakdown.

lol what sucks is, alot of girls dont realize how much guys suffer from emotions.

most girls think guys have no hearts and they dont care about anything

man but almost every guy does care, and when stuff hurts them, it bothers alot

when i would get sad about a girl it would be on my mind until i solved the problem

and that suuuuucks lol

but yea

 

[Ghnaschnakoff]

The main problem is that guys are kinda put off sharing things because it might be considered "gay" to get sad over something and the only advice that they think they'll get is "toughen up".
That's why sharing random stuff in this kind of format is so easy, you probably won't ever see the person that you're talking to and the chance of someone knowing you is very small, unless you're in a ridiculously big scene. Even though advice here does some what sort things out in your head, I can't help but think that if you don't physically talk about problems to people that it doesn't help as much. Don't get me wrong, you guys are cool and I appreciate you reading through my mess of a story but doing this is just to get a different perspective of my situation. It's not like from reading this that I'm going to get more confidence and find the love of my life.

I think I kinda went off on a rant there so I'll stop. lol