Sveet, how did you actually get into the backroom? Bribery? Blackmail?
It's frankly impressive to me that you have nearly 11 000 posts and still don't know anything about Melee. That's a real commitment to ignorance.
Thanks for your opinion, who are you again? I've seriously never heard of you.
Returning to the statement now I've got time to do more than abuse.
Lasers: How? How are lasers weakened? They, like with many characters, keep her locked up in that shield with those awkward OOS options (more on this later), they make damn sure she's staying grounded (not that Samus can do jack in the air anyway), she doesn't have the capacity to camp back. Please, explain how they're "very bad".
They are "bad" because the choices they force (specifically shielding) aren't bad for samus like they are for other characters. Samus has a high health shield, a fast wavedash and an invincible upb. This gives her a strong answer to any attacks on her shield. If you space on her shield, she wavedashes out and uses her long ranged moves to counter poke. If you get close to her shield so that she can't WD safely, she can upb. You can try to bait these options but her shield has a high health so she can safely wait through baits. If you begin grabbing that has a low reward and samus can still upb or spotdodge through it.
Shield pressure: Samus has a ****ty SH and is pretty helpless in the air, so that's not good. She can't shield grab with the slooooowwww grapple, so that's not good. She has up B for a while, but if the Falco's not digging deep and spamming tech, he can control that too. Falco can come in with simple, conditioning strings of aerial>shine>to get out, and Samus can't do jack (or, if this Falco's actually clever, start mixing in all that fancy **** that ***** like shinegrabs and doubleshines to throw them off). Up B is a BIG RISK with either a kill or a combo (yeah, falco actually combos Samus, that's neat) waiting on false prediction. Even if you get it off, players like Mango SDI into the ground consistently for 1% damage anyway. The risk-reward is stacked against her. That leaves WD back, which Falco can follow and continue the cycle, or if he's not feeling certain just leave it. Boom, reset to neutral, repeat till mistake. Falco is controlling the pace, the onus is constantly on Samus.
I can tell you don't play the game and only watch youtube.
Samus' upb gives her invincibility frame 1-5 with a hitbox on frame 5. If falco does an aerial into shine on her shield ever, samus has the option to upb before the shine for a free escape. If falco attempts to do the aerial->shine->fade aerial samus has 2 places she can punish him. One, before the shine or two after the 2nd aerial hits her shield she can
wd OoS dsmash.
Shinegrab and doubleshine on samus' shield don't solve the problems presented by samus' shield. I think i've already established that shining on samus' shield is very risky.
People can SDI but "SDIing into the ground consistently for 1% damage" is unrealistic to do consistently. SDIing samus' upb is a viable way to punish it, though. If you get one instance of outwards SDI you can escape and then laser before hitting the ground allowing you to avoid teching. You can then follow samus and get a free hit. Samus can, however, edge cancel the upb and mix up landing on platforms and falling through them which allows for error in punishment. There are situations where even if you SDI you can't punish the upb.
As for WD back not leaving any options, thats just silly. Attacks have this thing called "lag". Since a hitbox only hits a target once, theres only shield stun to cover the attack leaving the difference of the move duration vulnerable. Without touching frame data i'll do some ballpark estimates. ~10 frames lag for lcanceling, ~10 frames shield stun, ~20 frames in the air. That leaves ~20 vulnerable frames to counter attack. For samus, a WD is ~15 frames and a ftilt is ~5 frames. Wow, just enough to defend herself and/or counter attack!
edit- oh yeah forgot to talk about comboing. Falco has a few hit ~30% combos on samus, thats it. When falco gets knocked down samus can tech chase for decent damage too. Falco combos samus a bit better than vice versa, but samus has a much better time edgeguarding falco than falco does on her.