I have a rant, and I typed it two days ago.
Here it is: man it may be a bit long.
Ok, so let’s see. Am I crazy, or is my mother? Or maybe she doesn’t listen? Well, I will let you in on the situation, and you can find out. I just think its miscommunication, but maybe its just me.
So, I am finishing class. I don’t have my book(s) as of yet. Well, I don’t have it because I don’t have money. (I had financial aid and loans only cover the tuition, not my choice >_>) So, my mother arrives to pick me up. She calls me and I ask her to wait a little bit so I can acquire some copies of the book, so as to keep up with school work. (this school is accelerated) I must so that I can start on a 13-15 page project which is due on the 6th, or 13th, but must be done before that. Then, she yells at me disregarding the thing I’m doing. She is still mad that I am late. She then states I didn’t get my book because I didn’t simply ask for it in a different way or tone. (As if I’m being stepped on) . She only thinks that I’m an idiot, and believes I’d agree to anything. I asked them about it, they said they didn’t know and to call the financial aid department. I call them, leave a message, and get a call back a few days later. They tell me that I must call the business office to get a book voucher (which would be around $200 or less. I left a message, and they haven’t called back. Also, our phone is about to be cut. I tell her all this and she repeats what she said. “Maybe you should go ask again, but make sure you don’t back down (etc blab blab)”<so I say yes yes (as to get her way a little so that we may not fight, but I say “Well that is why I was doing that because they haven’t gotten back to me yet mother” and then she says “Well I didn’t tell you not to do it you idiot” (But my point was not to get mad for me being a little late, since it was a big help to me, as I think about it) and it went on from there. Insults, being thrown at me.
She starts telling me not to talk back to her etc and I was telling her you don’t understand (I’m 19, soon to be 20 in nov, I’m tired of this) She doesn’t want to listen, only hear what she believes, and withdraws to her room and closes the door, with the volume at max. She tells me to be quite as for the neighbors not to hear me (she always does that, as if I’m talking loudly, I’m whispering so you know) She then says I’m crazy and that I need a psychologist. I’m not the one who gets enraged. I’m calm, and here I am typing this out to let SOMEONE know how I feel. I don’t like fighting, and I just want to be understood. *sigh* ;_______ ;
She then feels like talking when she starts to break down and ask me ‘why do you say this etc etc’ and if I do say something she’ll just scream and stuff… >_> I’m only trying to make her understand, that’s all. Its unacceptable. And then they tell me to shut up. I am jobless, so they support me. And I will always remember that, but its demeaning to me. I’d rather be independent and not treated like a child, I want out. Not a stupid way out, just life getting better. Get a job, apartment, etc. (which is why I’m studying, they don’t seem to understand that either ;___ ; ) So I must leave, if they can’t understand me. People tell me its hard, but I’d rather work really hard and find better ways of living. I’m seriously too old for this crap. She believes what she wants to believe, , and it seems I am untrustable to her, since I am an idiot to her. So be it. I want to leave, even without her support. I do not want stress, I do not want unhappiness due to little things… I know I must work hard, and here I am studying for a better future. I won’t let it get me down, after all this I still have much work to do. But, I do not know what to do about this, the biggest little problem I shouldn’t be having. So what do you think? Am I approaching it wrong?
It seems as though I may be a little detached from reality, from life. Because, I am a loner. And when I say that, not without a girlfriend (well actually yes, but I mean just like without friends and stuff) So I think a lot, talk to myself at times. I may be weird to others. I am objective (I try to be subjective or pretend to be subjective and keep quite about my objectiveness, as not to get disapproval from family) also at times I am naturally negative, but my self esteem is great. I want to be the best, at smash. Anyways, I was always kept inside as a kid, and was given videogames to occupy myself. So, I played them. That’s all I thought about. When I got older, I played videogames with friends. (and I’m glad I do)
I can be random at times, and also silly, which is why I might be thought as an idiot. I will not pretend my values are directly given to me from my parents. I would try and understand (and listen to) my children, if I ever have any. xD
I mother tells me if I want the neighbors to hear us fighting, and I say no, I WANT U TO HEAR ME! (Since she closes the door I must say what I have to say) She then pretends like she understands (or something) and tells me “go ahead. Do whatever you want. No srsly, go ahead! Don’t worry about me.”
I still have work to do. >_> Plus, we fight in Spanish. I’m better in English then Spanish. You could say I might be sending he wrong message. I really hope I don’t have these problems with a future wife or something. Because of all this, family (parents and sister) seem to get closer, and I get farther, as if I’m the enemy. Sure, today is another day, and we aren’t fighting now. But, it always happens, so it might happen again, over a little misunderstanding. Maybe it is getting to my head in some indirect way, although I will be positive and try to do my best by studying, looking for a job (to help my family no matter what) and hope its only miscommunication. But at times I begin to harbor a smidgen of doubt, and it worries me. This is why I write this, so that you may understand my situation, and let me know what you think. So that I may understand, because I don’t.
The way I am, is probably the result of how I was raised. But I am not blaming anyone, its never good to do that, I have learned. Although, its as if my parents were late to a class and missed an important instruction/discussion. It was how I grew to be some ‘monster’ in their eyes. They say I am doing drugs because of what I say. I would never do anything stupid, just because of how I feel. I’d only write, and continue to do things I like, for example, videogames. Thanks for listening, or reading rather. Almost 4000 words. Oh, lol, I mean characters. xD Funny, I’m listening to Coldplay – Amsterdamm. :] (my mom said I started the fight) >_>
Life is so complex, even the little things. ;[
T_T
anyways I resent her for some things... first I dont like to talk about this but I learned that she never showed up at the court case over who gets custody and never signed her divorce papers. She also couldve been a better mother. When I was a little kid my grandparents would say that she got veeery impatient... she wouldnt want to take me to the bathroom when I really needed to go and when I pissed myself she yelled at me. The first year or two she used to call me (she lived in canada) but after she would never call anymore. She sent me a supposedly expensive cologne which was just one of those cheap imitations that you buy in drug stores... I dunno Id list more but thats just an idea of how much resentment Im feeling at the moment. I really want to forgive her but its hard. I know shes just human but still I just still havent found a reason to forgive her
