I went through about the deepest depression I've ever been in when my husband was deployed. Then I became emotionally numb. Then I sort of built a concrete wall around my heart that my husband had to chizzle his way through 6 months later when I saw him again. We still aren't back the way we started, but we are getting there I guess. Yes love does all kinds of crap to you lolz.
Its not something I'm consciously doing, and not something I can easily get rid of. Of course I want a quick easy fix, but the problem is I don't know how to fix it. Its just something that has to improve over time I guess.
Thanks for the advice though, any advice is good to get a different angle on the matter.
I know this is like 13 pages later, but I hope you still get to see this.
I went through something similar recently. It didn't have to do with a relationship, but man my heart had a wall built around it. Just about the worst things possible happened all within two years:
A girl that I thought I really loved had decided that we needed a bit of time apart and then three months later out of the blue she told me she never wanted to talk to me ever again. I had to be the strong one and just try to do what was right. People told me to give her time, and so for a few months I didn't let my emotions go crazy and waited until things on her end cooled down. She never gave me an answer for why she reacted the way she did. Looking back on it, I can see that I put a bit too much emotional pressure on her, but accidentally, and not in a way that would have deserved that response. I only figured this out later on my own. Because after those few months, when I tried to resolve things with her (because nothing had really been talked about up until this point). She just said she didn't feel like anything was resolved. And so there went one of the girls that I've loved most in my life. I really thought things could have gone somewhere with us.
Then my parents had decided to get divorced on my sister's birthday. My mother had apparently been unfaithful (not sexually, but still in a relationship) with one of our family friends--it was actually the father of my little sister's best friend. Further than that though, I was pretty good friends with the guy (as close as an 18 year old and a 40 year old can be, that is). He was helping me with my writing, something extremely close to my heart and was the only person I had really trusted to help me with a novel that I was trying to write (since this happened I haven't done any work on it. I haven't been able to write again). My whole purpose in writing was to communicate God's message to people. God brought me out of some intense depression, I had contemplated suicide and attempted it a few times--I was just too much of a coward to actually do it. Because of that I wanted to share what God had done for me, as afterward I had become extraordinarily familiar with the Bible and knew a good amount about theology. I was looking to become the next Lewis or Tolkien. And I even wanted to bring this guy out to church, I had asked him a few times. He told me he had been a strong Christian in his youth and things just tapered away as he got older. I knew he had a lot going on, and so I really wanted to help him. You haven't even heard the worst part: His wife had terminal cancer. That is why I was so urgent in trying to bring them out to church. It infuriated me to hear what I heard. His wife had terminal cancer and he was doing this!? It drove me insane. My parents after that had so much trouble it was hard to deal with. They tried to make the relationship work, but so many things would just go wrong. Even before the decision to get divorced they fought so much and in the most terrible ways. I would never see much of anything, but I heard so many terrible things being said. I didn't even know what they meant in that context--I was so confused. And once again I had to be the strong one. I had so much work last year because it was my senior year in high school. I had to push to be the best I could be because it was only after I become a Christian (middle of 10th grade) that I started trying in school (I really only started trying when it came to junior year). I had to get into a good college so I couldn't let things like this hold me back. Eventually after some counseling they're doing better in their relationship than they ever have been and are still married. Thank God for that. But the whole time I never knew what was going on. So much was hidden from me. And I didn't even have a moment to cry. I just had to be strong for the family and for my schoolwork.
Then during this past summer a good friend of mine, I had known her for about 6 years or so, was moving to Canada for college. That whole year she had been so detached from me and when I invited her to come over to hang out with a few friends and I--she was so distant the whole time. I called her about it and told her that I had put a lot of effort into keeping our friendship going this past year and she hasn't done anything to help that. I'd make mention of it before and she would say she'd try to change things--and she would. But you could tell she didn't really care. I told her I didn't even really know who she was anymore. And she said that she didn't think I knew her either. And that she wasn't about to let me know. She said we couldn't really be friends anymore--not good friends anyway. She said she needed to burn her bridges before moving to Canada--the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. She was staying together with a boyfriend she got during high school that was going to college in Washington state and she'll be in Canada. How is she burning her bridges? And I was the only friend she made mention of that to. All because I tried to be a real friend to her and not just let our friendship fade away.
Another close friend of mine apparently had a whole lot going on in his life he never told me. All I heard was that he might possibly have been a false disciple and may have been using me our entire friendship. To this day I don't know what's going on with him.
And so when I went to camp this summer, I finally did meet some people that really ended up meaning a lot to me. The guys in my cabin were ridiculously cool. One of them I had a lot of respect for in particular. He didn't grow up in the church, but found God after doing some of the worst things one can do. I had so much respect for him because of that. Recently I heard that he was expelled from the church--and that's a pretty serious issue. Even now I don't know what was going on, all I know is that some people believe he'll come back, but it hurts just because it's one more situation that I've been kept on the outside of.
Now that you see what happened, let me go on with the story. When I arrived at college my heart was a mess. It was full of road blocks. And so I kept trying to get to know new people, I really wanted a friend because I was hurting really badly. I kept putting myself out there and trying to be a friend to anyone, but no one really wanted to get to know me. People kept telling me that I needed to put myself out there and I kept telling them that I was trying my best.
But I realized something. I wasn't putting
myself out there. I never really opened up my heart to anyone. I would talk to people, but put off a front and didn't let them see me. It wasn't a conscious thing, but when I realized it, I was able to stop it. I stopped putting out the false me and tried really connecting to people. The first step I took was on Halloween at a party organized by my church. There was a girl there that I thought was pretty cool and wanted to get to know. And so I just casually said "Hey, you know, we should hang out more. I don't feel like we've really gotten to know each other." She agreed and she later gave me her phone number (I need to call her today to see if I can plan something for this weekend <.<;; ). But for me that was a huge step. I've been hurt by girls a lot. And for me to really put myself out there just that tiny bit was a giant step.
So what I'd say to you is this: Don't try acting like there's not a wall there. Just try tearing the wall down. Take it step by step. It's not going to happen all at once. Brick by brick I've been removing the wall around my heart, and things are getting better. I'm getting closer to people that I felt so distanced from before--and I'm more myself. I'm a happier person because of it. I've done a lot of talking with God to help move myself through it, and I still am moving through. But I've moved some emotional rocks that were impossible to move before. So just try taking a look at what's blocking up your heart. I didn't know what it was blocking mine until about a month into school. Figure out what it is and then try to move it. Try to resolve what's there. If it's the emotions you went through when your husband was deployed, tell him all of the feelings you went through. Just sit him down and start talking about it. There's no miracle cure or instant fix. But by going through what happened you can start to tear down that wall.
I can't tell you what put that wall there, but you can figure it out. You might not feel like you're really making progress by doing it, but just try it and you'll start to feel the change.
And in everything, trust God. You might not believe in Him, but He's done so much for me that I'm convinced He can help anyone else. So trust Him in everything, because if anyone's got it under control, he does.
Anyway, sorry for the monster of a post. Hope that helped.
--
Bard
). Most everyone thinks love is a game, and in a sense, it is: a very serious game of life. It's not about how many men/women/critters you can sleep with before you die, but about the lives that you impact. True Love is the ultimate impact: it can make or break anybody.
. Sometimes, I even forget Valentine's Day existed (Which is a stupid holiday, I have good reasons and it's not love related). I'm not compatible with anyone and it's likely to stay that way. No point in crying over anything, it's just more money in my pockets and less stress 
.
