The first two stories take place during some warm season between 2007-2008. Exact date unknown. I was with my ex at the time - one of only two long-term relationships I've been in. We originally were acquainted online and finally met in person because we were both horny as ****, and we continued to do exactly that at nearly every opportunity for the year and a half we were together.
However, this was before I had my own place (which would eventually be remedied in August 2008), and after being caught with her at my house - my dad followed a trail of discarded clothes back to my bedroom to make the discovery that the only thing keeping us modest was my bedsheets - we were forbidden from spending time alone there ever again.
This set the stage for an elaborate series of shenanigans which would take us to various motels, numerous rural hideaways, and stupid, horrendously obvious places like the two I'm about to describe.
The theater story takes place after the last showing of the night at a small theater in Frankfort (I'm not entirely sure what we saw, but based on research I suspect it was Swing Vote; the fact that I took my then-girlfriend on a date to that movie is an embarrassing tale in and of itself). The theater was closed, I was an hour from home, we had nothing better to do, and we were of a mood. So rather than pile in the front seats of my car, we piled in the back.
While we were going at it, the cars passed us in the parking lot as if nothing was happening. We'd managed to sandwich ourselves into a spot between two large vehicles, and ended up fairly well-hidden.
It took about twenty minutes before our stalwart guards left. I say about because we never noticed when it happened, we only noticed that people could in fact see us when a car honked our way. I'm not certain exactly how far our clothes came off or what onlookers could see through the fog of our breath and body heat, but I wasn't concerned with things like that at the time. I gave him a thumbs up and kept going.
It wasn't until we were the last car in the lot that we found ourselves being circled by a strange plain white van and decided to leave. Sadly, we weren't yet finished, but as they say, you gotta know when to fold 'em.
The second story I can't quite place. It could have been before, it could have been after. We were out and about, driving along rural back roads near her house when the mood struck us. Unfortunately, she lived deep in the boonies, and we had no patience to wade back through them to the city proper, nor desire to rent a motel room once there. We decided to instead pull into the front portion of a residence's long driveway and hope the distance from the house would make us go unnoticed.
We parked, piled in the back, and went to work. She was on top, which would eventually become relevant. I don't know exactly how long we were there, I'd gauge about twenty minutes again. What we didn't know at the time was that our solitude wasn't bought by our cleverness (minimal as it was), but by fortune. Partway through the deed, fortune ran out.
The owner arrived home in a massive Ford Compensation V-8 pickup of some stripe. We were squeezed into a '96 Saturn. All he had to do was turn his head and look down, and the all the world would be bared to him - and so it was. I will never forget the man's look of utter astonishment as he crawled past us, taking in the unhindered view of my ex's sizable, brilliantly white ass. It was a mixture of wonder at the sight and disgust at the audacity. We lay frozen as he passed, too startled to move.
Fortunately for us, he was either forgiving of the young love flourishing two feet from his mailbox or too shocked to intervene. He continued crawling up his driveway at a snail's pace. He probably could have gotten out of his truck and pushed it's bulky frame along faster. We watched carefully as he crossed the expanse, rounded the back of his home, and disappeared. Then, with no concern even for putting my clothes back on, I hopped in the driver's seat and we escaped before we could be formally caught.
I dressed myself from the waist up en route to returning her home, modestly declined to show her to her door (to her understanding), and made my way back towards Louisville, stopping at a roadside to finish dressing somewhere along the way.
The last one requires me to fast-forward to 2012. In fact, I even told this one here when it happened:
Well 'chus, I think I just officially earned my Scoundrel Badge.
But it's been three hundred pages, so let's reminisce.
At the time I was single (my ex and I broke up in early 2009), and I had begun talking to a charming girl online. One day in August she finds herself home alone while her family goes to run errands in the city (she too lived in a rural area, in fact even moreso, about 20 minutes from town) and, as we talk, spur of the moment we decide to meet up there. The day was warm, her pool was cool, I grabbed my trunks and drove.
There was fairly immediate chemistry, and I ended up staying for quite a length. We swam in the afternoon until it became too cold to do so any longer, then we relaxed on her porch, made out, and got to second base while the sun went down.
Unfortunately we kept poor track of time as we did so. We knew that her family would be returning around 10PM or so, but had no way to be precise, and we kept pushing it until eventually we sighted the van driving up the road with her entire family piled inside.
It was too late to run - they'd beat me to my car. It was too late to hide - my car was in their driveway. There was only one recourse. I stood, brushed myself off, and began channeling my door-to-door training from the summer of '08.
As they got out of the van and went into their house, I greeted each of them on the porch with all the warmth and charm I could muster. I said hello, I shook hands, and generally tried to mingle as though I wasn't some kind of intruder.
The family was a bit uncomfortable, but the display ultimately worked, and I was let off the hook. Her father chided me a bit for not announcing my visit, and she got a bit of a talking to, but then the matter was considered closed.
Anyway, all's well that ends well. As I noted at the time:
This girl's got potential, though, won't lie.
We remain together to this day.
