LooksLikePit
Smash Ace
It sucks because it's about brawl
-
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Official Poetry Critique Topic- Now Public to anyone!
- Thread starter Bazooka Lucca
- Start date
Oh woops, I thought this was the poetry critique topic.
Niko_K
Smash Master
In short all the poetry here is **** anyways.
darkgirku
Smash Journeyman
Lol aww,
I saw this thread and had my hopes up
I came in and kept my hopes up... (after reading the first page of posts)
My own poem pleaded "post me please, I beg of you"
I saw the last page and gave my hopes up.
lol but srsly, aww D:
I saw this thread and had my hopes up
I came in and kept my hopes up... (after reading the first page of posts)
My own poem pleaded "post me please, I beg of you"
I saw the last page and gave my hopes up.
lol but srsly, aww D:
Yasting
Smash Rookie
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2009
- Messages
- 3
Here is mine! =D
Always There
Looking at your eyes
Is like fainting in my dreams,
Come and take me up
And let us start to live.
Say me what you think.
Tell me what you see.
I hope that we are like this.
We are only you and me.
This is like being in jail.
To mean all the time that you are always there.
To see your face everywhere.
To think that you are a part of my faith.
Is like saying i need to be.
But you cant, and you say.
I'm ready to feel.
What i was not feeling any time.
Is only you and me...
Only you and me...
The Darkness is saying me.
Stop to live your life.
But i cant...
Because i miss you!
I love you!
I need you!
Because i want to kiss you!
To hug you!
And to look into your eyes!
I really, really don't want to die...
I really, really don't want to die...
You are all, you are my life.
When i see your eyes,
Is like looking to the sky
And to say your are it all.
Always There
Looking at your eyes
Is like fainting in my dreams,
Come and take me up
And let us start to live.
Say me what you think.
Tell me what you see.
I hope that we are like this.
We are only you and me.
This is like being in jail.
To mean all the time that you are always there.
To see your face everywhere.
To think that you are a part of my faith.
Is like saying i need to be.
But you cant, and you say.
I'm ready to feel.
What i was not feeling any time.
Is only you and me...
Only you and me...
The Darkness is saying me.
Stop to live your life.
But i cant...
Because i miss you!
I love you!
I need you!
Because i want to kiss you!
To hug you!
And to look into your eyes!
I really, really don't want to die...
I really, really don't want to die...
You are all, you are my life.
When i see your eyes,
Is like looking to the sky
And to say your are it all.
Caterpiller
Smash Rookie
LATE!
It is hard when my pillow is a
(yes the ear i)
beetle that doesn't let you
go
to
<bahah>SLEEP</bahah>
(i cant feel my toes but its okay i don't want)
Thrash!
Turn!
Roll Over!
Play DEAD!
(mm)
STOP!
[hammer time]
STOPSTOPSTOPSTOP
[pots and pans and lids and p]
<11>
Not working.
Spin over again
and again
once more
(to go...)
Its not quite like
{I'M}
In Some Knee, Ah...
<1230>
(from one side to the other, then to the center again)
but
[rather, mmm yes quite rather eh]
I just need more
incentive
[hahaha like thats possible]
to drift
(alright, you really should go)
<1>
away
It is hard when my pillow is a
(yes the ear i)
beetle that doesn't let you
go
to
<bahah>SLEEP</bahah>
(i cant feel my toes but its okay i don't want)
Thrash!
Turn!
Roll Over!
Play DEAD!
(mm)
STOP!
[hammer time]
STOPSTOPSTOPSTOP
[pots and pans and lids and p]
<11>
Not working.
Spin over again
and again
once more
(to go...)
Its not quite like
{I'M}
In Some Knee, Ah...
<1230>
(from one side to the other, then to the center again)
but
[rather, mmm yes quite rather eh]
I just need more
incentive
[hahaha like thats possible]
to drift
(alright, you really should go)
<1>
away
moyshe
Lazer Fox
Who knew smashboards had a sensitive side.
GSUB
Smash Lord
Caterpillar, that reminds of the Jim Carrey in "So I married an Axe murderer."
I like the style. But it seems to lack depth, or any thought that someone else could grasp on to.
The Story of a Life
Let's make a novel.
Share everything we have.
You don't want to add very much to it .
So, on second thought,
Let's construct a short-story.
Show how much we care.
Yet you are reluctant to participate.
Upon further speculation,
A poem would suit us best.
To simply keep it short.
And again, you wish not to participate.
So now I say,
An autobiography would be the best thing to compose.
And you, a small chapter within it.
This seems to be more accurate.
Although,
That novel,
Would be nice.
I like the style. But it seems to lack depth, or any thought that someone else could grasp on to.
The Story of a Life
Let's make a novel.
Share everything we have.
You don't want to add very much to it .
So, on second thought,
Let's construct a short-story.
Show how much we care.
Yet you are reluctant to participate.
Upon further speculation,
A poem would suit us best.
To simply keep it short.
And again, you wish not to participate.
So now I say,
An autobiography would be the best thing to compose.
And you, a small chapter within it.
This seems to be more accurate.
Although,
That novel,
Would be nice.
LooksLikePit
Smash Ace
She made a decision;
she had to go.
So she climbed out the window
and hit the road.
She walked for a while
and began to smile.
She realized she was finally free.
she had to go.
So she climbed out the window
and hit the road.
She walked for a while
and began to smile.
She realized she was finally free.
Beren Zaiga
Smash Ace
I wrote this for English class. It is an Elegy. This comes straight from the typed-up version that my former World History teacher had typed up.
Elegy of a President Shot Down
by Beren Zaiga.
I sit in this learning room
looking, spying at an invisible coffin.
In my ears ring the song of doom
with the tamp of feet I hear often.
The gracious man, loved by many of past
Struck and smote with a spear of iron
His life drained away so fast
The people left were a cryin'
How dare the mystery man strike
Leaving chaos in his wake!
I'd want his head on a pike!
Lest the fact a new form does take!
This tower of a man, praised
Then by some hated with eyes of read!
The man's great being was raised,
but now he is of the dead!
The truth cannot be the truth,
For it is a lie!
Truth was hidden by men uncouth,
For the mystery, with his burial, did not die!
Though I say these words, books are what remain.
Detailing untruth to the masses.
The establishment's justice is too mundane,
for the truth must be known as time passes.
Avarice of the few soon stripped him away.
His head, his mind, himself gone to this day.
His potential cut short in a time of war.
His plans and kindness he brought with him.
He stopped one crisis brought to the fore,
but with the other, his light grew dim.
Had he continued, we would survive longer,
but his death begot more death.
He would have made stronger,
but strength away with death,
gone from whence it came.
Life moves on sadly, the Lone Star Man remembered,
To justice the offenders may never come,
so long as they face threat to be dismembered.
So the masses make themselves dumb.
Remember the Lone Star Man, and solve his mystery
Never let him be forgotten
Lest he be lost to ancient history.
Elegy of a President Shot Down
by Beren Zaiga.
I sit in this learning room
looking, spying at an invisible coffin.
In my ears ring the song of doom
with the tamp of feet I hear often.
The gracious man, loved by many of past
Struck and smote with a spear of iron
His life drained away so fast
The people left were a cryin'
How dare the mystery man strike
Leaving chaos in his wake!
I'd want his head on a pike!
Lest the fact a new form does take!
This tower of a man, praised
Then by some hated with eyes of read!
The man's great being was raised,
but now he is of the dead!
The truth cannot be the truth,
For it is a lie!
Truth was hidden by men uncouth,
For the mystery, with his burial, did not die!
Though I say these words, books are what remain.
Detailing untruth to the masses.
The establishment's justice is too mundane,
for the truth must be known as time passes.
Avarice of the few soon stripped him away.
His head, his mind, himself gone to this day.
His potential cut short in a time of war.
His plans and kindness he brought with him.
He stopped one crisis brought to the fore,
but with the other, his light grew dim.
Had he continued, we would survive longer,
but his death begot more death.
He would have made stronger,
but strength away with death,
gone from whence it came.
Life moves on sadly, the Lone Star Man remembered,
To justice the offenders may never come,
so long as they face threat to be dismembered.
So the masses make themselves dumb.
Remember the Lone Star Man, and solve his mystery
Never let him be forgotten
Lest he be lost to ancient history.
GSUB
Smash Lord
Sherigami!
Too many she's up in there... and a bit too straightforward..
But it looks like you're just trying to deal with things in a positive manner.
Good luck to you
and god **** people.... read the rules... you comment on other people's things before posting your own.
Beren Zaiga, I didn't even read yours at all because you just blatantly came in here and just posted something without recognition of other people's work.. What makes you think anyone wants to read what you have to say, if you can't do the same for anyone else...?
Too many she's up in there... and a bit too straightforward..
But it looks like you're just trying to deal with things in a positive manner.
Good luck to you
and god **** people.... read the rules... you comment on other people's things before posting your own.
Beren Zaiga, I didn't even read yours at all because you just blatantly came in here and just posted something without recognition of other people's work.. What makes you think anyone wants to read what you have to say, if you can't do the same for anyone else...?
Beren Zaiga
Smash Ace
Hmm. Smells like teenage spirit to me. Not a bad poem at all. What it conveys is easy to understand, straight-forward. The it is presented however, is just as straight-forward, which for some reason makes it come off as blunted in tone. It also has no rhyme scheme, a nice rarity in some cases.
Hmm... This has a very forward use of language. This poem has no visible rhyme scheme, a rarity sometimes due to the stereotypical view of what a poem is, but something that adds some uniqueness to it. The font usage is dazzling, and probably took awhile to construct, which is commendable. If I am not mistaken, this poem is mainly about literature in a general sense, and talks about the natural fear of whether something you write is good or not, showing reluctance to do anything in fear of falling short at the end.
Am I correct?
P.S.: Will this do for a comment on a couple of works?
P.S.2: I think the correct grammar you are looking for is "don't" rather than "can't". I didn't comment earlier simply because I didn't think to do that.
GSUB
Smash Lord
Yes, I don't find a rhyme scheme necessary in poems, I feel it can limit what you're actually trying to say, but yes, rhyming can be fun.
I actually just used a font color generator like this one: http://www.tektek.org/color/
although it was hard finding where to make each new line @_@
To be blunt, no
but this is why I love poetry discussion/critique. To see how other people see things is simply amazing. I never would have thought to even look at my own work in the way that you did.. It's fascinating!! Try and look at my poem less literally... and maybe you'll understand.. Also paying more attention to the title Also, thank you for the comment... It's just so... uninspiring when people come in here and pay no attention to anyone else, and hope to get feedback etc. on their own.
EDIT: Okay, I just read yours!
I think this is your moment of time, sitting in class learning of the assassination of John F. Kennedy, and your reaction and initial thoughts on the matter. Your poem drifted though.. from what was very descriptive of your surroundings, into something more into your thoughts, less of the outside world. I'm not sure if you did it on purpose or not, but I kind of like it; because it gives the effect of showing how one goes from normal thought, of daily life and routine, and slowly phases out of the real world, into deep and sometimes complex thought, making the world around you seemingly disappear, or at the least fade away. I liked that.
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2000
- Messages
- 5,649
Man, this thread still exists?
Zook
Perpetual Lazy Bum
Really? I got the impression of an insomniac from that poem. Kinda cool.
Anyhow, I've been writing a few nature poems recently. Here are two of my better ones:
An Amorphous Mass
White
A beast from the past
A wolf
A superhero
A swimmer
Grey
A worm
A monstrous head
A turtle
A shoe
A parrot's head
A flower
And it's gone.
Suspended Giants
Wisps in an ocean
As tall as mountains they drift
They swallow the sky
LooksLikePit
Smash Ace
This thread is super inactive
Check out my poetry
Untitled 2
Do you know the force unseen?
Sunlight shine and rivers gleam?
Created all this love serene?
And all the wonder of a dream?
Do you know the reason why?
Suns created, planets die?
Yes, you do. You can't deny.
The answer, friend, is in the sky.
Do you know that all must go?
Algae die and river flow.
It's the doom of all below.
But not the heavens, all aglow.
They tell us that we must believe.
If we don't, we'll never leave.
But I say that we mustn't grieve.
Life never ends; it sees no eve.
Check out my poetry
Untitled 2
Do you know the force unseen?
Sunlight shine and rivers gleam?
Created all this love serene?
And all the wonder of a dream?
Do you know the reason why?
Suns created, planets die?
Yes, you do. You can't deny.
The answer, friend, is in the sky.
Do you know that all must go?
Algae die and river flow.
It's the doom of all below.
But not the heavens, all aglow.
They tell us that we must believe.
If we don't, we'll never leave.
But I say that we mustn't grieve.
Life never ends; it sees no eve.
WB40
Smash Apprentice
One Number
As he rolls the dice,
he hopes for that one number,
and slowly as it stops,
he hopes for that one number.
As he rolls the dice,
he hopes for that one number,
and slowly as it stops,
he hopes for that one number.
Aglow
Smash Journeyman
asdasdasdasdasdasd
I like you a lot, Aglow. In fact if I was mod still I would unsticky this thread and have you repost yours as the new one.
Aglow
Smash Journeyman
adsadsadasdsadasdasd
LooksLikePit
Smash Ace
Upon further speculation, a video game website isn't the best place to get poetry critiques. Nice try, though.
Try facebook, that often works for me.
Try facebook, that often works for me.
Derp de derp
MTKO
Smash Journeyman
A free-form, western style haiku I wrote (Only one I've ever written).
it falls suddenly
a cycle in it's last stage
it will come again
it falls suddenly
a cycle in it's last stage
it will come again
linkoninja
Smash Journeyman
@ Two posts above.
I like how you put "Inching closer and/ closer there is no end"
It reminds me of the saying "so close but so far away."
The line about vision and darkness helps the reader know the intensity of the darkness you described so good job on that.
I don't like the part where you describe failure as an expectation. In a way it's true, but I don't know. I've always tried to remain optimistic.
You close with giving the reader a sense of hope, saying that you must shy from ashes and shy from ruin. All in all the poem isn't consistent with your idea. But I like it, sort of the Fallen Warrior who has some hope.
Good job~
I'm happy it's Monday even though it's Sunday.
If you fail just try a little more
Extinguish thoughts of amor << (Spanish for love)
And maybe you will see
The happiness you were looking for has always been in me
When you find that girl don't let her slip away
Treat her right and convince her to stay
Even if its just for today
I'm happy its Tuesday even though its Thursday
So don't preach for change
Money and fame isn't the aim
It puts you to shame
But in the end your not to blame
You just burst up in flames
They say they treat us all the same
But quite few lyricists remain
In the end the world's exchanged
Truth for lyrics quite deranged
In the end we've all felt pain
It's just another claim
Proven to be quite insane
Not all rappers spit the same
Don't grab your guns and take aim
At sinners trapped in chains
I'm happy its Wednesday even though its Monday
As you listen to me
Try to see
Those minds lost at sea
Those eggs snatched from a tree
Notice your free
And not in captivity like a bee
Don't be quick to punch 1,2,3
In the end appreciation is the key
....
I'm happy it's Thursday even though it's Saturday
When your feeling fine
Transfer these lyrics into a sign
Don't stay behind
Accepting a lyrical decline
That's just what I incline
It doesn't take a god or soul quite divine
To shine as he rhymes
It all takes time
I'm happy it's Friday even though it's Tuesday
Cool winds on a hot day
Reminiscent of youth molding clay
Memories of the day
Where a kid walked to play
With time someone may get taken away
But through time everything will be okay
As you grow up you will learn what to say
You will learn the way
And remember the joy on this day
I'm happy it's Saturday even though it's Wednesday
As I look up at the sky
I find some hope in "goodbye"
The dream helps me apply
These lyrics in sufficient supply
I'm happy it's Sunday even though its Friday
Consider this food for thought
Something that moves the plot
Towards the truth, lies are for naught
In the beginning lyricists fought
For justice, it's what they sought
To use your mind, is what I've been taught.
To use your mind, is what I've always taught.....
Note: I write without a structure, because I don't know I never liked having things structured. It's just how I am. And I feel in some places there is more to say than in others.
I call this the Meaning of Life because it's just what I think about on a day to day basis.
I like how you put "Inching closer and/ closer there is no end"
It reminds me of the saying "so close but so far away."
The line about vision and darkness helps the reader know the intensity of the darkness you described so good job on that.
I don't like the part where you describe failure as an expectation. In a way it's true, but I don't know. I've always tried to remain optimistic.
You close with giving the reader a sense of hope, saying that you must shy from ashes and shy from ruin. All in all the poem isn't consistent with your idea. But I like it, sort of the Fallen Warrior who has some hope.
Good job~
I'm happy it's Monday even though it's Sunday.
If you fail just try a little more
Extinguish thoughts of amor << (Spanish for love)
And maybe you will see
The happiness you were looking for has always been in me
When you find that girl don't let her slip away
Treat her right and convince her to stay
Even if its just for today
I'm happy its Tuesday even though its Thursday
So don't preach for change
Money and fame isn't the aim
It puts you to shame
But in the end your not to blame
You just burst up in flames
They say they treat us all the same
But quite few lyricists remain
In the end the world's exchanged
Truth for lyrics quite deranged
In the end we've all felt pain
It's just another claim
Proven to be quite insane
Not all rappers spit the same
Don't grab your guns and take aim
At sinners trapped in chains
I'm happy its Wednesday even though its Monday
As you listen to me
Try to see
Those minds lost at sea
Those eggs snatched from a tree
Notice your free
And not in captivity like a bee
Don't be quick to punch 1,2,3
In the end appreciation is the key
....
I'm happy it's Thursday even though it's Saturday
When your feeling fine
Transfer these lyrics into a sign
Don't stay behind
Accepting a lyrical decline
That's just what I incline
It doesn't take a god or soul quite divine
To shine as he rhymes
It all takes time
I'm happy it's Friday even though it's Tuesday
Cool winds on a hot day
Reminiscent of youth molding clay
Memories of the day
Where a kid walked to play
With time someone may get taken away
But through time everything will be okay
As you grow up you will learn what to say
You will learn the way
And remember the joy on this day
I'm happy it's Saturday even though it's Wednesday
As I look up at the sky
I find some hope in "goodbye"
The dream helps me apply
These lyrics in sufficient supply
I'm happy it's Sunday even though its Friday
Consider this food for thought
Something that moves the plot
Towards the truth, lies are for naught
In the beginning lyricists fought
For justice, it's what they sought
To use your mind, is what I've been taught.
To use your mind, is what I've always taught.....
Note: I write without a structure, because I don't know I never liked having things structured. It's just how I am. And I feel in some places there is more to say than in others.
I call this the Meaning of Life because it's just what I think about on a day to day basis.
INSANE CARZY GUY
Banned via Warnings
How I saw it is you go about your day no matter the day and do something worth your time. there's a lot to it I guess.
Wow another day it's not too late
I hope I won't waste it
If i'm too late to change my fate
Too much pressure for most to cope
I can sit in my head trying to understand
How this minute should be spent
Every second dieing
There the minute went
Life is much more simple
The only trick is to live it
Make the world your temple
And kick no one out
But to others they suck life dry
inevitably they will die.
Wow another day it's not too late
I hope I won't waste it
If i'm too late to change my fate
Too much pressure for most to cope
I can sit in my head trying to understand
How this minute should be spent
Every second dieing
There the minute went
Life is much more simple
The only trick is to live it
Make the world your temple
And kick no one out
But to others they suck life dry
inevitably they will die.
Yonder
Smashboard's 1st Sole Survivor
Usually no one pays attention to what I post unless its slanderous, but eh. Based on my life.
Dark puppeteer
Oh woeful puppeteer
Master of deceit and disgust
Can't drag me down, cant't pull me down
Your dark thorns are not meant to hold me
Keep a clear view of light
Obliterate the spite
Oh woeful puppeteer your not meant to control me
Oh devious puppeteer
Hellspawn of malichious constraint
So the world may not have such a glorious gleam
Peoples values are warped...
Kindness is a last resort...
And I am a soul that been overencumbered by negligence from the mass...
Can I be given the chance to shine?
Receive a smile of approval?
Not be decimated by the tantalizing love that is taken for granted before me?!?
I'm capable...im capable?
I'm confident..i'm confident?
Guess im beginning to lose faith in myself...
Oh abrasive puppeteer
Intrusive delinquent of hate
The world in my eyes is perceived as a dwindling light
It hurts from every angle
Trapped in a chasm of callous indifference from society
My spirt has been crushed from emotional burdens
Take my hand puppeteer, and guide me into the shadows...
Dark puppeteer
Oh woeful puppeteer
Master of deceit and disgust
Can't drag me down, cant't pull me down
Your dark thorns are not meant to hold me
Keep a clear view of light
Obliterate the spite
Oh woeful puppeteer your not meant to control me
Oh devious puppeteer
Hellspawn of malichious constraint
So the world may not have such a glorious gleam
Peoples values are warped...
Kindness is a last resort...
And I am a soul that been overencumbered by negligence from the mass...
Can I be given the chance to shine?
Receive a smile of approval?
Not be decimated by the tantalizing love that is taken for granted before me?!?
I'm capable...im capable?
I'm confident..i'm confident?
Guess im beginning to lose faith in myself...
Oh abrasive puppeteer
Intrusive delinquent of hate
The world in my eyes is perceived as a dwindling light
It hurts from every angle
Trapped in a chasm of callous indifference from society
My spirt has been crushed from emotional burdens
Take my hand puppeteer, and guide me into the shadows...
DippnDots
Feral Youth
What are the rules on content? I looked for a thread but couldn't find one. And Aglow how do you feel about people who accept they aren't skilled writers, but do it for fun and are literally incapable of offering educated and worthwhile critiques, posting their work?
Aglow
Smash Journeyman
People can post or do whatever they want on this thread and I won't *****. I came to the wrong place trying to do the wrong thing. People in workshops don't even want serious workshops.
Be well!
Be well!
D13
Smash Ace
Looking for advice and stuff.
Dog Years
My dog has a will that none can ignore.
She finished her eighty-ninth two weeks before,
And she will have ninety in four weeks more.
She has seen more than I of that soft white shore—
And even now she scampers out the door!
It is a wonder that I was born before.
Present
Soaking in the filth of the past
brings no pleasure.
Should this sulking last,
regrets may feed forever:
Gnawing at the will to continue
on the train of time that stops
for none—especially you.
What, then, is there to do?
Has the future any hope in its tide?
At the end of the voyage one may find
that it fails to provide.
The future is not always kind
when in it we deposit all our time.
It is not absolute—but absolutely blind.
The solution is now:
this one thing to do.
Make now this vow
to forever be you.
Dog Years
My dog has a will that none can ignore.
She finished her eighty-ninth two weeks before,
And she will have ninety in four weeks more.
She has seen more than I of that soft white shore—
And even now she scampers out the door!
It is a wonder that I was born before.
Present
Soaking in the filth of the past
brings no pleasure.
Should this sulking last,
regrets may feed forever:
Gnawing at the will to continue
on the train of time that stops
for none—especially you.
What, then, is there to do?
Has the future any hope in its tide?
At the end of the voyage one may find
that it fails to provide.
The future is not always kind
when in it we deposit all our time.
It is not absolute—but absolutely blind.
The solution is now:
this one thing to do.
Make now this vow
to forever be you.
MASAHIROx
Smash Lord
I found a new **** buddy! I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW
Google Chrome!!... DEUCES Firefox... We had one hell of a 'connection' huh...All those long sweaty nights together. You know me better than anyone else. I would click you every day...sometimes twice haha...But sadly I've moved on...I've met something better. Now you can watch as a scroll my pointer right over you and never click you again. Trust me, we had an AMAZING run together. You and I both know this.
Even if I'm with chrome now...Every time I think of you or see you in passing...I want you to know that I CANT HELP but think of all those intimate and affectionate moments, actions and words we shared. That was real and I won't forget it. Please don't hate me if I talk to you like nothing ever happened.
...But you know what's up. You know how i roll. You've seen me naked. I fart in front of you. **** you know me inside and out...probably better than chrome ever will to be honest. And the best part is that chrome can never take that away from you. never.
but don't worry I might start clicking you again if things don't work out...I got you.
It's not my fault you fell in love with me.
Google Chrome!!... DEUCES Firefox... We had one hell of a 'connection' huh...All those long sweaty nights together. You know me better than anyone else. I would click you every day...sometimes twice haha...But sadly I've moved on...I've met something better. Now you can watch as a scroll my pointer right over you and never click you again. Trust me, we had an AMAZING run together. You and I both know this.
Even if I'm with chrome now...Every time I think of you or see you in passing...I want you to know that I CANT HELP but think of all those intimate and affectionate moments, actions and words we shared. That was real and I won't forget it. Please don't hate me if I talk to you like nothing ever happened.
...But you know what's up. You know how i roll. You've seen me naked. I fart in front of you. **** you know me inside and out...probably better than chrome ever will to be honest. And the best part is that chrome can never take that away from you. never.
but don't worry
I might start clicking you again if things don't work out...I got you.It's not my fault you fell in love with me.
\/aarsivius
Smash Cadet
D13, those are some sad poems. Sadness is what makes a good poem in my eyes. I must say, is Present dedicated to a lover of yours? It seems like it. Dog Years is the complete opposite of Present. You obviously have your dog as your best friend, and who can blame you? My dog (Yoko if you want to know the name) is pretty much like that.
Like a Violet
Like a violet I grew,
Like a violet I lived,
I grew old,
I withered and died.
DEDICATED TO MY GRAN XXX
Like a Violet
Like a violet I grew,
Like a violet I lived,
I grew old,
I withered and died.
DEDICATED TO MY GRAN XXX
pandacheck
Smash Ace
@Vaarsivius - I liked the poem man, keep it up.
pandacheck
Smash Ace
@D13 - Loved the poem man, heartfelt really
DerpDaBerp
Smash Champion
A story of great love forms in my head when I read this. It is dense for only six lines.
I also think the simple rhyme scheme works because the content itself isn't complicated either.
I felt while reading it, however, that it may flow better with eight lines. I was thinking maybe one between your 1st and 2nd, then another either before or after your line 4. But I suppose it's up to you whether that would exhaust the rhyme too much at that point.
Will post some of my own if this thread picks back up a little more :/
~Tac~
One day at a time.
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Same here. I'd like to see more activity in here.
Elyssa Xey Hexen
Broken!
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2008
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Of Suffering & Hope
A mighty oak stands tall for many years
Placed aside from others of her kind.
Left to brace the elements in solitude
She must live on her strength alone.
More to her burden is motherhood
Of so many different creatures.
They rely upon her for sustenance;
For food, clothing, and shelter.
In summer, mother oak is in fear
That the storms may never come.
Without life's drink she may perish
And the little ones left without a parent.
In fall, the colors will change
And mother oak's beauty will grow.
Although, her mind is set upon the future
With each passing day her pain grows.
In winter, mother's children suffer
For their mother can no longer provide.
Stripped of nut, canopy, and protection
Her sons and daughters die to the elements.
The weeks pass by and she regenerates;
Mother's strength is renewed.
Alas, her little ones cannot come back.
But not all was lost, something is stirring.
[collapse=Commentary]
I simply had a whim to type this out when I saw this thread. I do not practice poetry often at all and simply structured this one in a way from my past experiences. There might be some rigid structure poetry can follow, but I always thought the power was more in the idea and words. Never in sticking to organization. It makes it pretty yes, but again, I value the imagery and thoughts it brings to your mind not the organization.
[/collapse]
A mighty oak stands tall for many years
Placed aside from others of her kind.
Left to brace the elements in solitude
She must live on her strength alone.
More to her burden is motherhood
Of so many different creatures.
They rely upon her for sustenance;
For food, clothing, and shelter.
In summer, mother oak is in fear
That the storms may never come.
Without life's drink she may perish
And the little ones left without a parent.
In fall, the colors will change
And mother oak's beauty will grow.
Although, her mind is set upon the future
With each passing day her pain grows.
In winter, mother's children suffer
For their mother can no longer provide.
Stripped of nut, canopy, and protection
Her sons and daughters die to the elements.
The weeks pass by and she regenerates;
Mother's strength is renewed.
Alas, her little ones cannot come back.
But not all was lost, something is stirring.
[collapse=Commentary]
I simply had a whim to type this out when I saw this thread. I do not practice poetry often at all and simply structured this one in a way from my past experiences. There might be some rigid structure poetry can follow, but I always thought the power was more in the idea and words. Never in sticking to organization. It makes it pretty yes, but again, I value the imagery and thoughts it brings to your mind not the organization.
[/collapse]
DerpDaBerp
Smash Champion
I feel like the life cycle of a tree would be better suited as its own smaller analogy within a longer poem about something else
Elyssa Xey Hexen
Broken!
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2008
- Messages
- 19,346
Pandora's Box was what gave me the initial inspiration if you would. The myth that all the evils in the world were let loose except for one--hope. So, it is an analogy for something else.