Official Poetry Critique Topic- Now Public to anyone!

[HenshinHero]

The Sword at the Boy’s side

(Sorry I'm still new to this kind of writing so I figure this is written in the wrong formant and probably everything else lol)


The Sword at the Boy’s side

Slowly drifting apart, left in wonder
About the paths we've taken and the ones we could have made
Trying to reach out, but my hands always seem to fade
The blade in the sheath stays dormant at my side
A bridge of battles before this and still even more beyond

I live here all alone
Inside a haze of defeat
Glancing at the sheath,
The mission remains incomplete
Yelling to the empty sky
The promise of what I must protect
Who I’ am and where I’ve been is only cause and effect

Stand against myself
Clench the handle even tighter
For them I want to hold on to, I must become that fighter
Feel the grass sway beneath my feet
Back on solid ground

If you want to meet me, just look around
I’ll be the one who’s hallowed sheath falls to his side.
Whose arm is an extension of the sword that pushes up the sky
The one who exceeds all those that have only ever tried.

 

[metalmonstar]

I have gotten a lot of praise for this poem that I wrote. I figured this might be a decent place to put it.

Bad Grammer

Bad Grammer
It can really be a slammer
On a paper or report
Do I need to Retort
On my position
Let’s end the repetition
Let’s get down to the facts
That your grammer surely lacks

capitalize the first letter
that will make it better
Put a period here. And there.
No, more, commas, everywhere,
CUT! Out! The! Exclamation!
That is my proclamation
Proof reading is your Friend
Do it every now and then.

Owh, Whut the heck
Why don’t you use spell-check
Save us all the headaches
Go, fix those mistakes.
It doesn’t take that long
Do you like writing wrong?
Just please no more bad Grammer
Or we will smack you with a hammer.

 

[Phlemingo]

A Contest for the Apathetic

I'm gathering swarms of people
for a contest like no other
It's a contest

A contest built to confuse
A contest in which
Everyone who joins will lose

In order to win you must care the least
You must care the least of this contest

Broadcasted everywhere
From blimps to TV ads
the only winners
are the ones who can listen beyond the word "contest",
and the ones who just don't care

 

[Exia 00]

**snaps fingers**

 

[TimeSmash]

I've written poetry late at night recently, or technically morning, since it was around 1 or 3 A.M. I remember I wrote this, listening to Ruined Landscape (Eternal Dialect). It's called World, and it's kinda weird. Breaks off at odd points. I don't really know the perspective. I just wrote whatever came to me. The last line seems a bit repeated. Feel fre to critique!

I wait
At the docks
Watching waves
Seeing skies
Come close

I
Cry
For those lost
At war
At sea
It’s
Not a battle
It’s not a truth
They all lie
About you
For me.

I hate knowing the verity
Of it all. I
Hate that you’re gone
But here
The two sides
Pull at me, threatening
To tear me apart.
I know either way, it won’t end
The way I want
It to.

The chords you played
They stayed
In my mind,
My soul
My heart
The keys, the strokes
They stay
That way.

The piano you played,
Lies there
Still tuned
Still fine, still great
Like you.
Like you, it shines
It glows
It knows.

The C’s and D’s
Echo in my thoughts.
The E’s and F’s
Remain excellent.
The G’s, and A’s, the B’s
Go on.
They gab, they jab
At my wait.

I hate the mock,
The lock
You’ve placed.
I fear no tears,
But the wait.
These times,
These seconds,
Spent for you.
Crying, Dying,
It’s meant for you.
Even if my hands bleed,
I’ll keep writing to you.
Even
In my darkest need,
I’ll hold fast for you.

World wrings
My cherished things
But it can’t try
To make me cry.
I’ll save
I’ll save
I’ll save

 

[LUVTOY77-ROGUE WIREFRAME]

WAFT

Somebody wafted in my pants,
I could not help but laugh and dance
It felt real good to let one off
When teh doctor said, turn you rhead and cough
I could not see, for the air was hazy
My waft smelled like rotten gravy
and as I walked through that office door,
I could not help but waft some more.

I hope no one steals stuff off these forums

 

[objectionsmash55]

I love to write! And as such, I've written about 120 poems (though I'm definetly not saying all of them are any good). So, here's one:

Murder
By Objectionsmash55

Screams erupted in the hall
Of the mansion.
A body was found
So far no reason.

A boy lurked in the shadows
Blood on his hands
Cursed and annoyed
On the body his eyes land.

Out the window he rode
The glass erupted.
The screams that followed
Partially disrupted.

Too drunk were the guests
To think clearly,
The police came an hour later
Quite weary.

So the murderer got away
The lessons were made,
The police never found out,
The boy was there to stay
On this cruel Earth
The boy found mirth.

 

[mantlecore77]

objectionsmash55, very good poem. The syllables could be changed up a little to make it a little more rhythmetic, if that's what you were aiming for. Good work, though.

 

[objectionsmash55]

thanks :-)

 

[Kyas]

Flowers

I passed a flower yesterday
So beautiful I cried
Because I knew it didn’t need me

In reaching out I’m pricked
I hate myself
Because it didn’t mean to hurt me

So I picked it with bleeding hands
And smelled it
And let it hurt me
Because it didn’t understand

Until it faded away
And I was alone again

F**k flowers


© Derek Sommer 2006

 

[objectionsmash55]

i love the poem, kyas. very sad, not over exaggerated with adjectives and metaphors just a simple poem with a lot of enmotion. the last line was funny too

 

[Kyas]

i love the poem, kyas. very sad, not over exaggerated with adjectives and metaphors just a simple poem with a lot of enmotion. the last line was funny too

Thanks.

And I've heard so many different interpretations of the last line

 

[Vicious Delicious]

Hi, people. I have a poem that I wrote about a month ago that I'd like to finally share. I just started writing poetry so I'm not sure what you would call the kind of poem I've written (aside from long). I know it's not the best, but it's a start for me. I'd like to be writing a lot more poetry and see it improve. So long as you guys aren't asshats about it, I'd appreciate any of your thoughts, critiques, questions, and/or suggestions

***

Imagine, precious doll,
Two lovers lying below
The gorgeous night sky
Speckled with sparkling diamonds
And the outburst of silence
Except for the stormy waves
Crashing against their sailboat
In a lullaby to paralyze
Any urge to leave this moment.
See how they love this time together.
Listen to him strum the song
Born for her on his maple guitar
That screams pure joy
As his fingers meet its strings
And his strings meet its wood.
Watch her rest her tired head
Against his stable shoulder
And walk her fingers along
His firm but gentle arm.
See how he finishes his song
And puts the guitar to rest
To comb his fingers through
Her beautiful curled hair
And just be with and in his love
As they stare into the sky full
With those white polka-dot jewels.
Soon he'll lean in for a kiss
That will be returned with another
Full of passion and longing.

Now watch this dream be torn apart.
Watch the sly hands of the sea
Slowly curl around her
Body and soul.
Watch as the sea itself
Tangles the good man in icy ropes
Made purely of recession itself.
See the lover's eyes shift
From confusion to fear to anger.
Watch his anger boil and bubble
Until it suddenly bursts and
Never settles as he senses his
Mind is plagued with jealousy
Aimed toward the sea that takes
His one love away from him.
Listen to his mind and body
Scream in frustration and pain
As he struggles, berserk,
In the toils of unraveling himself
From the ropes now burned
To the crisps of failure
And resentment.
Observe his vision and thoughts,
Both seething for revenge
On the unforgiving sea
Surrounding his once-majestic boat
Now floating as driftwood.
With his lover gone, the man must choose
To dive deep into the sea
Or swim back to tired shores.

 

[Kyas]

For the most part, your poem is excellent, Vicious. A few problem parts, though:

"That screams pure joy"=complete derailment of tone, try to find a word more soothing than "screams" to portray the tone of the guitar.

"As he struggles, beserk" Again, tonality. In this case, the word "beserk" seems to break with a majority of the poem. I think it seems more unnerving to describe something so intense in the calm, soft tone you began this piece with.

Other than that, I like this poem alot.

 

[Vicious Delicious]

Kyas, by tonality, do you mean against the line, section, or poem itself? And I remember debating about the verb in the first line you mentioned, where I ended up with scream. Perhaps sing would be better?
Otherwise, I appreciate the feedback.

 

[Dastrn]

Another Day

Eyes crack open, grey and blue
Taking in an empty room.
Dawn sun throwing amber rays
Through a dusty window.

Creaking mattress, warm and damp,
Creaking floorboards under my feet,
Creaking door in between,
Me and a cup of coffee.

White porcelain, top shelf
The largest mug in the house.
Clinking on everything it touches
Stained with a year of 6 o’clocks.

Deep and brown, coarsely ground,
From Columbia, with love.
It starts in the earth, it ends in my cup;
Straight and black, no other way

Long day ahead with no rest.
Stressed out boss distributes
Disappointment from above.
Ugh.

Elements of pain and sadness
Mixing in with joy
The one I loved and the one I love
Seperated by 6 feet of earth

All for the past, all for the future,
All for she and he.
Alone even with him around;
He doesn’t remember.

Memories of dates and kisses,
Stolen moments of intimacy.
A white dress once for her,
A black suit next for me

Tucking in covers, father-son kisses,
His breathing steady like the tide.
His hair is hers, his face is hers,
The tears are mine.

Crawling slowly into our old bed
Taking the time to cry
Taking the time to pray
Slipping slowly into sleep

 

[Kyas]

Kyas, by tonality, do you mean against the line, section, or poem itself? And I remember debating about the verb in the first line you mentioned, where I ended up with scream. Perhaps sing would be better?
Otherwise, I appreciate the feedback.

When I say tonality, I mean the overall feel of the piece. Throughout most of your poem, your language is overall more subdued, and I like that. However, words like "scream" are loud and, in such a quiet poem, disruptive. I agree that "sing" is more appropriate in the above context.

 

[LordoftheMorning]

"Deep and brown, coarsely ground,
From Columbia, with love.
It starts in the earth, it ends in my cup"

I really love these three lines. Most especially the third. They create an image in my head. A color, a feel if you will.

 

[Zanoske]

Lucky Star

I just wrote this last night, for a very special girl that I really love, though she lives in LA and I live in Stockton. Its pretty sad! I'll go straight to the poem!

Lucky Star..
Lucky Star..
You are my Lucky Star.
The bright and shiny star that I have wished for
The true star that brings me happiness
Your beautiful face that keeps me smiling
With eyes that shine like the ocean sparks
The touch of your fingers on my skin
And the feel of your heart beating with mine
This is my 1 true wish that i would spend
Having this feeling no one but you can understand
Spending all my days by your side
You are my only one true Lucky Star.

I RARELY write poems so... yeah...

Her reponse to my poem was "sweet" and kind of "weird" but sweet.

P.S. I know nothing about using the stanza of a poem

 

[FunnyStuff707]

My heart is open,
Like a book,
But when I talk to you,
I'm a babbling brook,

My legs are jello
My heart is sore,
I struggle "Hello,"
But I want to bellow,
Then hurt some more,

I love you so much,
And hold you dear,
I would love you forever,
But losing you is greatest fear,

But first I must win your heart,
Before I buy our house,
Or before I buy the baby clothes,
And declare you my spouse,

But I will always love you,
As Fire burns,
and Water flows,
The Earth turns,
And Wind blows,
I will always love you.



That was not inspired by anybody, just chose a common poetry subject.

 

[Zook]

I was surprised when this turned up in my User CP. I go to this site too much. Anyhow, I've doodled a few short, silly poems. Not very good, but I love watching my post count inflate.

---

Soap on the hill on the plane
Soap in the street in the rain
Soap on my face
in outer space
Soap in the sink in the drain

---

Above my head head is a black balloon
Can you see it?
Aren't I different?
Aren't I cool?
'Cause above my head is a black balloon

---

Hey, diddle diddle!
Say, cat and fiddle,
what'd the cow see over the moon?
The little dog's hysterical,
and we can't figure out
why the dish ran away with the spoon

 

[SonicBoom2]

Well here's an Untitled poem I wrote a week ago...

Taking the shadows,
Taking the chance.
Thinking I'll fail to lead,
But I succeed,
And hide my precious rocks-
In a little steel box.

Hide the feelings,
Hide the romance.
Sealed up in locks:
Memories of some
Annoying pests-
In a little steel chest.

Feeling his sorrow,
Feeling her lost trance,
Do dreams come true?
Will teams ever come together,
If they hide relations of umbrage-
In a little steel package.

Spread the treasure,
Spread the pressure
From myself to these groups
While money pushes us down sloops
Until we cry and yell-
In a little steel cell.

 

[toon_marth]

I have a haiku
----
~~~The Waiting Room~~~

Dawn melts into view
Hushed I stand in the Autumn
Waiting for a chance

 

[Ominous]

kool you's people have some nice poems you know...kool most are alsome

 

[SonicBoom2]

Thanks. We should really try to revive this thread again.
Before I joined, I was amazed at reading these poems.
Then I saw the post dates lol.

 

[OnYourMark]

~~~The Waiting Room~~~

Dawn melts into view
Hushed I stand in the Autumn
Waiting for a chance

It's a very feel-good poem. It makes me feel warm inside. The only strange area is in the first line. I don't really see how dawn "melts". If anything, dusk melts. But dawn does the opposite of melting: it makes clear.
Methinks, anyway.
Good poem.


I wrote this about two weeks ago.

Through all the rainy days
And all the sunny ones too
I just sit alone
And hide my head under a towel
To hold back the rain
Or block out the sun
'Cause I'm never content
No matter what

When good friends die
Or when good friends rise
I just sit alone
And wipe the tears from my eyes
And be sorry for some
And jealous of others
'Cause I'm never happy
No matter what

 

[SonicBoom2]

I wrote this about two weeks ago.

Through all the rainy days
And all the sunny ones too
I just sit alone
And hide my head under a towel
To hold back the rain
Or block out the sun
'Cause I'm never content
No matter what

When good friends die
Or when good friends rise
I just sit alone
And wipe the tears from my eyes
And be sorry for some
And jealous of others
'Cause I'm never happy
No matter what

This is a solid poem.
Basic scheme, before the cause part, theres a repeating part.
Seems plain. Just a little.
Try to mix it up a bit.
I'll make a better review l8r.

 

[Parker1006]

"Crescent Day's Moon"

I gaze at the moon,
The scythe of the sky,
The Sun's bar-hopping,
Disco-Dancing,
Nighclubbing roommate
At 4PM.

The moon of a sunlit sky.
Demanding the attention of
Weather Watchers and
Children who shape clouds
Laying in knee-high grass
Wading in the bliss of warm winter.

That moon of solar royalty
Ushers a weary soul though a tedious day.
The Duke of the Sky dubs one's
Deeds as a
Noble "X" closer towards a
Scheduled dream.

 

[PB&J]

Favorite Girl (third verse)

I never loved another like i loved you
I never opened up my heart for someone
but except you
and know i think about it
you was the only person who cared for me
In hard times you was the only person there for me
People went against me, you was the only person who would stand for me
I had no money, you said the best things in life are free
Just one touch from you would put me on cloud nine
When I hear your voice I think about you all the time
Everyday and every night your love is always on my mind
My feelings grew bigger and bigger as we past time
Now my life seems better since i've been with you
Now the sun shines brighter ever since i've been with you
You have me doing things that I never thought i do
You have me thinking about marraige and having a kid or two
Now you have me thinking about having a family
So tell me how this love turned into insanity

summer 2006

 

[Kaddy]

Each rough is a fall
Minutes fade from blue to white
Time for some new jeans

 

[SharkAttack]

Each rough is a fall
Minutes fade from blue to white
Time for some new jeans

A Haiku!

Here's one I wrote in 2003. I thought it was cool because I've experienced this many times in my life but others have always viewed it as "Blah"

Morning sun rises
Sneaks through blinds of a window
Blasts wakening eyes

 

[Slithe]

The One That Killed Them All

Day by day
There is but one
Time and time again
Second to none

From that ravaged kid near the trashfire
To that rich man in the car
Even that casual person
Sitting in the bar

And they come and go
With the swift passing of the wind
And the ticking of the clock
That takes life in the end

Yet all are victims
All are prey
All are bound
To lose their life one day

Day by day
There is but one
Time and time again
Second to none

I think I could do better, but I'm pretty sure I just made this one up off the top of my head.

 

[Niko_K]

Over the edge - Based on my life experiences.

Letting go of what used to be
Hilarious times but now I see
The negative effects it's brought upon me
It just started out, as only one toke
I coughed and gagged, until I choked
But the feeling inside, this feeling within
Was the start of a putrid trail which I will begin

Just a little, here and there. It wont ascend anywhere.
From once to twice, maybe three times or four.
I lost all faith, I don't care anymore.
Desensitized from knowing the wrong,
I forget my problems, by hitting the bong.
It transformed into, a daily task.
Like an alcoholic filling his flask.
Except I saw no wrong in my actions.
No pain, no fear. Just pure satisfaction

A mind so slow, this mind so sluggish
Is this really me? Caught up in this rubbish?
New people. new faces. Different time, different places.
Same actions, same thugs, all hanging out doing drugs.
It was all splendid and fun at at the time
Until things got way out of line.

She just fell to the floor, right outside of Zeller's door.
No heartbeat, no breathing. Theresa's no more.
Ecstasy killed her, just one little pill.
Something so small, so powerful to kill.
This corner I embrace, just thinking about her face.
And how it is no more, in this disgusting place.

Realization was the key, it is what was needed for me.
When this day had finally arrived, my brain was a bit deprived.
Slower than usual because of my choices.
Why didn't I listen to all these voices...
My mother, my brother, my sister, my father.
All told me the same thing, just don't bother.

I shouldve listened but it was too late,
God showed me a message about this disgusting hate.
The way he showed me was in sacrifice.
Of my new friend Theresa. Just clinging to life.
I've reverted to my old ways of sobriety.
I've already done enough damage to society.
My guitar, my music, my family and friends.
Are all here with me, to make sure it doesnt happen again.

And almost every night, ends

Spoiler

smoking more weed

 

[.Marik]

Holy **** Niko...

That was amazing. <3

 

[JOBOT]

Ya I dont consider myself a good poet or even a poet at all, but if you guys could critique me that would be very appreciated.


Untitled (wrote while easedropping on these girls talk in the library... they were really annoying)

Wet your lips through innocence
and drop bombs of reality
that smell of flowers.

We are broken,
but you are perfect

Fix me with your wisdom
that infallible gibber,
thoughts drip out like wet clay
and dry up as diamonds.

We are broken,
but you have the anwsers

Suck life through your words
and spit them out in spirals,
reel us in on golden thread
then cut the string
that we were fed

We are broken,
but you are special.


Untitled #2

All the colors in your head,
stitch me fix with diamond thread.
Cover it up so no one will see,
show me the worlds and tell me...
-Be Free

 

[Circa]

Ooo...I really like that, actually. Both of them. I felt spite in them both, which is usually slightly overdone anymore (or so I've noticed), but you did it in a way that I really liked. I'm not very good at critiquing though, so I can't really give you any advice on it. Sorry about that.

Anyway...I have a poem too. A love poem that I wrote quite a few months ago for this girl, but then I never gave it to her...
Sorry ahead of time if you don't like its format very much. I'm sort of bad at keeping consistent rhythms and keeping things flowing nicely while coming up with clever lines. So here it is...oh, and can anyone think of a title for it too? I can't seem to think of anything good...the best I've got is "The Things I Wish".

The Things I Wish (working title)

I've known you for such a short amount of time,
But I already know you're the one I'll never forget.
You have this way of pulling at my heartstrings,
And now only for you would I write this literary silhouette.

So let me sit and watch you for just five minutes,
It's all I ask of you.
You're the ballerina, the perfect dancer.
You make my heart skip a few.

So let me stand and hold you for just three seconds,
Just to know the way you feel.
You're the thornless rose, the perfect flower.
You make it all feel so unreal.

So let me lay and hear you for just half an hour,
I need to have you near.
You're the concerto, the perfect song.
You make a voice ring in my ear.

So let me fly and keep you for just one day,
Give me a chance.
You're the sunset, the perfect sky.
You make me fall with just a glance.

I know this all probably sounded like a lie,
But it's all so true what you do to me.
You have this way of sticking to my mind,
And now you're all that's left in my picture perfect scenery.

 

[JOBOT]

dam this is like dead....
oh well heres another poem... a happy poem based on one of my kayak adventures after a big rain storm where it was soo flooded I could acutally paddle into the forest... which is where I got out and walked around for several hours, it was soo beautiful and peaceful

Untitled

The moist earth at my barefeet,
I sift in
-- Slowly--
water ankel deep

The world is quiet
-- Wrapped--
in warm vibrations
thoughts flow out carelessly,
only to sail away,
on a summer breeze.

Light, go shine through your tree tops,
like golden strings
-- Listen--
as it feeds the life,
that is all around me.

Time holds off
--Silently--
a single petal gracefully drifts,
waiting to settle
in pure ecstasy.

Hold this moment, it is yours
lose yourself, and see
that this is you,
finally
--Free--

 

[Raider 88]

I'm not one for poems or anything like that...but this Haiku came to me while picking up some tortilla chips for my dinner tomorrow.

Sympathy for a Wal-Mart Greeter

Sad, soulless golems.
Perform a meaningless task
Welcome to Wal-Mart

 

[JOBOT]

I'm not one for poems or anything like that...but this Haiku came to me while picking up some tortilla chips for my dinner tomorrow.

Sympathy for a Wal-Mart Greeter

Sad, soulless golems.
Perform a meaningless task
Welcome to Wal-Mart

Lol wow many i really like it, simple and gloomy with a humorous ending.

 

[Florida]

C A L M S H O T (this was created by me for class; do not steal)

There once was a boy at the age of nine:
He would play with his toys, and his life was fine.
He had dark, brown eyes and thick, black hair.
He was a normal boy, and his life was fair.

Then on one day, his parents fought,
And it is only expected what that fight brought:
His parents divorced; there was a split between the two,
And the boy thought, How could this be? They were stuck like glue!

But not late after he heard of this news,
He sucked it up—went by with no bruise.
He didn’t struggle; he even didn’t cuss,
But he thought of school and boarded the bus.

One year later, his life was decent;
He proudly earned straight “A”s as of recent.
He lived with his father; his mother was gone,
Although he favored her more, all along.

But he did not wish; he did not regret.
He just lived with what his life had set.
As for his father, he thought, There is only me; there is no us.
And he minded school and boarded the bus.

In the next several months, there became more news:
His father was with a girl, and they would snooze.
Although this knowledge disturbed him greatly so,
What could he do? He wouldn’t know.

Within two months the two were united,
And the boy was disgusted; his heart ignited.
But he hid his emotions; he kept them hushed,
And he thought of school and boarded the bus.

After few weeks he learned why they married so quickly:
His new step-mother was three months pregnant; he thought of it sickly.
He suddenly felt the rage and fury take its toll,
And he let his personal demon consume his soul.

Six months passed—enough time to plan:
Enough time to plan how his step-mother would end.
She was sitting on the couch, watching TV,
And the boy quietly entered the room with glee.

He pointed it straight at the back of her head.
She did not notice, so he simply said,
“Bye,”
And he pulled the trigger, a smile reaching high.

This boy was eleven, yet he did so much:
He committed two murders with a single touch.
Devastating his father was only a plus,
But he calmly thought of school and boarded the bus.