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Official Poetry Critique Topic- Now Public to anyone!

Bazooka Lucca

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Anyone can post critiques now. Please don't give one line critiques or roses are red type poems!

Rules
  • One poem at a time.
  • (That means if you see someone else has allready post and hasn't gotten a response by me, don't post)

The "Point" of This Topic
Yes, the whole idea of this topic is to encourage more people to write poetry. This also serves as a place to get advice. I most likely will make fun of you, but that's the chance you take. If you post poetry in here that is ******** (For example: "I have a cat who is fat and sits on a mat." I will have it deleted and no response will be given to you.)
 

Giygas

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"Soulless"
© Giygas 2003

I'm walking alone
All I have is fear
I've lost everything
That much is clear

What I have seen
What I have done
It plays back in my head
Like a bad rerun

I never knew
Did not presume
That my whole world
Would drop with gloom

Time stands still
I look to the sky
The one thing on my mind
Is only why

These things are done
What must happen now?
I can't accept
I simply disavow

I won't leave my past
I won't forget my plight
I can't move on
Or swallow my fright

Because I have no name
And I have no role
I lead a lost life
A life without a soul
 

Bazooka Lucca

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I'll start off with the obvious: A simple 7 stanza with ABCB rhyme scheme.

"I'm walking alone/all I have is fear." A naturally assumption that you had lost everything (next line: "I've lost everything.") So it flows well in that since, but in a sense is giving the reader a dissatisfaction of reading something they could infer. No biggy though =p "That much is clear" Okay good, you didn't make the same mistake twice, we now know that the person (either yourself or someone you are referring to in the 1st person) is confused abou something else other than the obviousness of gloom in their/your life.

Sad poem overall. It doesn't have many loose ends and is pretty well unified. It doesn't have much to think about, it's fairly plain and straightforward.

To be honest, I generally dislike poems like these. But don't be down, my first poems were like this. Then I found better ways to write. Instead of just coming out and saying what you feel, beat around the bush and make the reader think. The ending fits nice with the title. Try having some fun with other elements other than rhyme. Imagery is probably one of the most elements in poetry, it gives the reader something to visually see (You used these:"Sky, world, rerun." You could have said something more like a "broken record" or expanded on that more to fully express yourself. Oh yes - whether you tried it or not, put some punctuation in there.

Don't underestimate briefness with symbols/imagery. Just some things to think about. Keep writing. For now, I would suggest staying away from rhyme. Seriously rhyme limits you so much.
 

Aruun

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Okay, I really am bad with Rythem and Rhyming, but... I felt like writing something, sooo... here it goes. ^_^'

Never Enough


Always wanting to be great,
I always wanted to help you,
But as those tears stream down your face,
I think it's not my fate,

Whenever you fall,
I can never keep you up,
For when I'm pushed away,
I roll away like a fragile ball,

I ask for help from you,
over and over again,
but as you look at my unworthy eyes,
my soul's unworthy too,

If I could never break,
your fall,
How could I break my own?
I'm falling and I'm too late,

You and others stare into me,
looking into my soul,
the endless will for help leaks out,
but the reality nowhere to see,

I only sit in a corner alone,
dreaming about being right,
but as the darkness shades the night,
I realize down to the bone,

I only dream of being real,
I only dream of helping,
for in reality,
I could never be enough.


Edit to Zook's message below: LOL, Simon? Well, it's good that you're being honest. And also, you're TRYING to point our mistakes... which is good. That way we learn from our mistakes. ^_^
 

Bazooka Lucca

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You guys are so depressing.

Rhyme scheme: ABCA (except for last stanza)

Okay, this is consistently melancholy. The idea of "unworthiness" and being alone. First stanza is kind of interesting, but as you read through you kind of lose interest. Last stanza is good, even though you screwed up your rhyme scheme there. In all seriousness, you can't say much about poems when the author portrays something (an emotion) straight forward. I'm gonna be as straightforward as your poem. It's plain and only one instance of imagery."For when I'm pushed away/I roll away like a fragile ball."

Work on beating around the bush and letting people think about what's going on. I think you would benefit from reading my response to the previous poem.


Well keep the poems coming.

(I feel like that mean guy from American Idol)
 
G

GreatSaiyaKirby

Guest
My turn?

Since my last poem was deleted (I don't blame you, it wasn't very good and I posted it too soon), I think I'll liven things up with a poem of my own. :)

The Young Lovers

I wake up to the birds chatter,
But I only hear one sound,
Lying beside me, breathing softly,
My love, sleeping next to me.

When I am with him I feel it,
The feeling only those in love know,
A warm sensation deep down inside,
It's that little thing, deep inside my heart.

Being near him gives me strength,
I feel strong, brave and bold,
But when he leaves, so does the feeling,
Replaced with sadness, fear and cold.

It is not something you can get used to,
A painful ache inside of you,
You may think you're strong and tough,
But inside you feel weak, like a lost child.

When we are together I feel full,
The feeling that you can take anything,
I believe this, as our love has endured,
As we tackled every obstacle so far.

I fear that one day he might die,
Be struck down and taken from me,
At first I am scared, but something else grows,
A bad feeling, something you call anger, or hate.

I care for him very much,
He's my earth, my sea, and sky,
And he'd do anything for me,
Suffer, bleed, burn, or die.

The it happens, my only love falls,
Looking into his eyes I see sorrow and pain,
Then I too feel it, it hurts deep down,
As if my soul were reflected in his eyes.

At first I am sad, but that does not last,
I see the one who did it, and the pain returns,
He took it all from me, made me cry,
But now it's his turn, to suffer, bleed, and die.

Our love proves stronger than life or death,
As if sustains my love, and brings him back to me,
Together we face this demon, fight as one,
And he falls, crashes and burns.

This isn't meant to be a sad poem, it's meant to show the strong bond between two lovers, a love which transcends everything, and helps them bring down someone much more powerful (Can you guess who the lovers are, or who they face?). I'm sorry if this poem is a bit sappy, but I think it's also quite powerful, and although I didn't stick to any pattern or style, I think it's pretty good. :)
 

Bazooka Lucca

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Yes, only a couple rhymes. Perhaps for emphasis?

Anyways, it's a sweet story. No tears here though ;) I think you take too much time explaining the love part. It kind of drags on. Then you just go into detail about how one would feel hollow inside when their lover is gone.

What makes this poem interesting is the last stanzas:

"The it happens, my only love falls,
Looking into his eyes I see sorrow and pain,
Then I too feel it, it hurts deep down,
As if my soul were reflected in his eyes.

At first I am sad, but that does not last,
I see the one who did it, and the pain returns,
He took it all from me, made me cry,
But now it's his turn, to suffer, bleed, and die.

Our love proves stronger than life or death,
As if sustains my love, and brings him back to me,
Together we face this demon, fight as one,
And he falls, crashes and burns."

So someone killed a lover? And is demon just a demeaning name, or is it actually a demon? Just some loose ends. (Don't answer those questions BTW.) Anyways, I think you could benefit (also) from reading my last two comments. Try more imagery, try adding some more aestheticness in your poetry.

Anyways, I like the way you portrayed the one lover dead, or gone, or whatever, but later on you say "fight as one." To me, that's the most powerful part in this poem. Anyways keep writing and be sure to check out my other comments. And try reading that one poem LuigiToilet wrote. Here's the link:

http://smashboards.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=28973

That's a good example of a good poem. I'm not saying you should make a poem like his. I'm just throwing out an example.
 

Luigitoilet

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My turn!
-

Sunday Night After The Swap Meet (Pardon the silly name)

The hazy yellow moon,
dark red shimmer in her hair.
Photographs in her pocket,
empty frown on her face.

She said, in the end,
everything will be alright.
They took everything,
my knicknacks and posters.

A black wet street,
cold and grainy against their cheeks.
Baseball cards in their jackets,
blood stains in their head.

She sighed, and froze the earth.
Everything will be alright.
They stripped me down,
and took my very soul.
---

I dunno.
 

Bazooka Lucca

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That, is awesome.


I love this imagery:"Photographs in her pocket,/empty frown on her face." When I think of photographs and girls, I think of happy group shot pictures. If I were to walk into my sister's room, there are pictures everywhere. I have no pictures at all in my room. And she's more of a happy person compared to me. (I'm your average straight faced joe shmoe.) Anyways it's kind of nostalgic in the first stanza, but I don't think that's what you were going for. But I like the happy/sad contrast.

You stumped me on this one. The second stanza that is. But the third stanza, a murder scene? Some people (one or more?) I think so. This adds a weird twist.

I'm totally lost, you win. I like it though. *shrugs* I have no advice or suggestions I could give you. I think you have a nice style of writing. I think you should keep writing too.
 

KirbyMan3000

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No one's critiqued this poem I've written a while ago, so here goes. I'm terrible at rhyming so I don't even try, so don't be surprised if there isn't any rhyming in my poem.


Boredom

Sitting alone with nothing to do,
No people around to keep you amused.
Thoughts of things that could be done,
Running across my mind.

The deafening silence pounds in my ears,
Eyes un-focus, blurring the reality that is there.
Seeing a fantasy world
That you’d want to be a part of,
But no, it’s only a dream.

The silence still pounds in my ears
As I ask myself,
“What can I do? What is there to do?”
Sighs escape my mouth,
As I slump backwards into the chair.

Time seems to move so slowly,
A minute seems like an hour,
An hour like a day,
A day like a week.

Time is stopping for me,
The world is moving on.
But I remain here,
In this gray vortex,
Being sucked into oblivion.

I gaze through the grimy window and wonder,
“Can I end this? Can death free me from this h3ll?”
My hand fumbles with a drawer,
Slowly opening it,
The creaking hurts my ears,
Sound is so unfamiliar.

I reach in the drawer, hand trembling
As I touch cold metal.
I grip the handle,
Fingertips gingerly touch the trigger.
I pull out the weapon,
Wavering fingers unlock the safety.

The gun rises to my forehead,
My finger, squeezing the trigger so lightly,
Sweat beads on my face,
Rolling down, falling.
My hands sweaty with dread,
Still slightly pulling the trigger.
Then my finger slips,
The trigger pulls,
And boredom is gone.

~ KM
 

Bazooka Lucca

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Sorry it took me so long to get to this - I was gone for 2 days. And I can't critique now - I'll edit this post and have it done by tonight or tomorrow night (probably before I go to work).
-------------------------

Okay you depressed, suicidal, angst teens. If you're going to make a poem that has any kind of sad or depressed quality to it, make it interesting! I'm so bored with these I just might kill myself.


Okay, I like how you didn't stick to any kind of rhyme thing, I'm glad you don't feel the pressure there. I dont' agree with the message: "Suicide will cure boredom." Dang it, get a girlfriend. From a poetic standpoint, this doesn't have a whole lot to offer. You need more flavor in it. I'd have to say this is better than some of the previous, but it still has room for improvement. I can see this was inspired by boredom, or that's my assumption. Alot of this is cliche, really. I think you would benefit, as well as others, from reading my previous posts.

Try not to be so direct. Some of the most boring poems to read are the ones that:
A: The author is straightforward
B: It rhymes with cliche phrases
C: No imagery
D: No alliteration
E: No clever, original phrases.
F: No other sense of poetic aestheticness.


That's all for now. Keep them coming.
 

CerbKirby

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Well, I noticed this topic and thought I should give it a peek. I was waiting forever for you to reply, Zook so that I could share my poem. Well, my poem isn't really very flowing or detailed, but it basically gives a direct point of what the whole thing is trying to say. Well, here it is. By the way, Bob and Ellie aren't real; they just cover up for real people ;).

I Am What I Am

I am myself, won’t change for a soul
Like it like that “originality”.
May grow long blue hair, might wear khakis
But won’t give up my own humanity.

Listen to “Weird Al”, maybe Avril
Do anything I absolutely please.
I could be dorky, or very hip
But wouldn’t change for what People sees.

Abercrombie and Fitch, to fit in?
No, I think Hawaiian shirts seem more me.
Bob hates hair-do, Ellie disproves “Weird Al”
Don’t care; rather die than be Person B.

I dislike posers; hate them rather
Should be jailed, plagiarize other people’s ways.
I’m not great, but I’d rather have fun
To be me, than what other people say.
 

Bazooka Lucca

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Your free will spirit comes across in this poem. I like the message and how you portrayed it with the attitude you did. This is a good example of "straight forward." Being straigh forward with emotions is generally a bad idea in poetry, but with ideas or concepts, it can work. I commend you Cerb. =p

"dislike posers; hate them rather
Should be jailed, plagiarize other people’s ways."

These lines were well done. I can't say that my previous advice to others applies to this poem much. If you put alot of imagery in this, it could crush the spirit behind this. Good work.
 

Luigitoilet

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Round twos!

Anonymous Mourning
-

I hear the news of your suffering.
Yet, I can't care.
You never gave me time of your own.
Why should I hesitate to forget you?

I would have said that to you,
but inside, there's a small ache.
Now it's too late.

I hear of your pain,
But, I don't shed a tear.
You only gave me fuzzy memories.
Why should this matter to me?

I should have said that to you,
and so much more.
But it's too late now.

I hear of your passing,
and now I'm confused.
I can remember the good times,
how should I feel?

I wish I could ask you,
but I still could care less.
Doesn't matter how I feel, it's too late.
--

This is my first actual...uh...poem based on reality.
 

Bazooka Lucca

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Selfish in a tantalizing way. I liked your others better. Here's what I think:

First off, it's based on some means of a relationship, friends, or perhaps love based. Almost like you wanted someone there for you, but they refused, and now the tables have turned - you reject them like they rejected you. (This is all my theory, of course.)

On other notes - I like "fuzzy memories." I have lots of those. I've just never took noticed of that term if it has been previously written in common cliche language.

I think the 3rd stanza of this is the keystone here, especially the last line. "Why should this matter to me?" Everything seems to surround that. "Apathy" describes this poem before.

There's not much to over as far as poem aesthetics *sighs to himself,* but you're still above par when it comes to the other poems in this topic.
 

CerbKirby

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Whoo, another poem!
-------

Gone Forever

You left me forever, I can’t help you now
Now you want be back, but I could care less.
Your eyes used to be cascades of bright orange
But all seen now is dark, cold soulless-ness.

You think we can be lovers? Well get a clue
You dumped me, to go out with trashed devils.
I thought you were pretty, sweet, and charming
Now you disgust me, and my hatred’s high levels.

I’d amputate my arm with a rusty old knife
Before thinking about forgiving you.
Or I could even burn my whole life savings
Instead of getting back with you, too.

Darling, you’re just no good for me anymore
Getting shocked with lightning sounds good you’ll see.
At least if I was I wouldn’t be living
With the pain and torment you gave to me.

I wish you’d accept this; you lost me for good
You played my heart, now you must pay the toll.
I’ll live this isolation, but you’re still scum
Trying to win you back’s not my main goal.

-------
This has a bit more detail than my last poem, but nontheless it's still sort of "straight-forward". Well, enjoy!
 

Aurora Grid

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Hey heres the Poem I've sent to the Creative Communiactions Contest, This Poem got accepted, it will be published in a book called " A Celebration of Young Poets " which will come in December if you want more info go to The Poetic Power Website This poem is more focused in my deeper feelings ,Tell me what you think about it. :)

I am

I Am creative and friendly.
I Wonder about the future.
I Hear the fresh wind blowing.
I See a nice spring landscape.
I Want my dreams to come true.
I Am creative and friendly

I Pretend I'm next to a tree playing a guitar.
I Feel the wind sweeping gently across my face.
I Touch the green grass growing.
I Worry about my family and friends.
I Cry that one day I'll never see them again.
I am creative and friendly.

I understand that life brings many chances.
I say that my chance will come someday.
I dream that the world will be peacefull one day.
I try to overcome every obstacle in my way.
I hope that one day hummanity will understand itself.
I am creative and friendly.

Vinicius de Souza
Newark NJ

Any Comments/ Criticism is welcome. ;)
 

Bazooka Lucca

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Well, I'm glad that you actually put some things in here that wasn't rhyme. (The alliteration: "green grass growing.") Although would have been nice to see more of that. To me, I don't think this has much to do with "deep feelings." It's more imaginitive, which is good. But I think the "list" style of this poem can take away from your abillity to fully express your imagination. When you know how the next line will start, it can get stale. Not to mention the last line in every stanza is the same.

You touched base on different senses, which was good to see the variety. To say the worst this poem is a little cliche. More imagery would be nice.

As far as advice... well I've never written a whole poem that contained a list. (By list I mean each line or series of lines starts off the same.) But I've found that a list is more effective if you include it inside a poem, so that the emphasis isn't on the list, but perhaps a certain stanza or a section of lines in a poem.

Again, it's a little too straightforward. This poem, in general, is about life. It's got a nice optimisitc feel to it, kind of refreshing. Not bad, but not excellent. (It's nice to see something a little different posted, and something that isn't depressing or sad.)
 

El Nino

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Bad Poetry *edited*

Author's Note: I am not a poet. I write mostly crap. But I'm always looking to improve, or abandon what's beyond repair. The following is for your critique. Thanks for your consideration.

------------------------------------------------
"It Would Have Been Better
Had You Taken Your Ghost With You"
------------------------------------------------

This thing upon me
Begins to consume.
Like a vision, a dream,
A failure and a lie.
A gift from my only love
And my worst desire.

Inside a sheath of tears,
I dream as larvae do
For wings of tattered skin,
Like the shattered realms
Beyond my reach,
Like paradise lost
And the sleep of kings.
Like the waking that occurs
At each break of dawn
That makes the mind a parasite
Begging its way out from walls of bone.
I drown myself with faded light
And travel over worn carpet and dirty sheets.
I sit in silence in the corner in the dark
And construct love poetry.

I have not words -- can't speak.

This thing that lives inside
Speaks for me.

Self-devouring skin becomes,
Like my bed, like my desk,
Like my work,
A cage of my own making.
Like my mind.
I built these walls
To guard and protect
The memory of a thing
Once coveted.

So you are the reason.
Or, are you, the reason?...
Why I sit here,
Why I have not moved for hours,
Though my head spins and my blood writhes.
Rewind, replay, the world inside.

You are the reason that I imitate stone,
The reason for the cigarettes, the alcohol,
The blood and the stagnant place
Where my mind has lingered
For the past four years.
For you I scratch walls
And drink coffee and take pills
And bleed knuckles on concrete
And construct visions of gods within my mind
And neglect my reality and my life
To die in a world
Where your spirit still lives for me
In a way it never had . . .
In that . . . other . . .
Lie.

Well, what--
The f*ck--
Now?

In seeking escape,
We build our own prisons,
Never knowing what peace
There would be,
To lie in a bed of illusions,
In the lap of a dream.

And in this realm
Where I am lord,
Where hope is death
And fools may rule . . .

In this place
The myths are true.

And here,
I will try to be for them
What I could not be for you.
 

Bazooka Lucca

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Wow. That, was, by far, the best poem posted in this topic, if not in this whole room. Depressing, but not straightforward depressing. It keeps your interest all the way through. The imagery is beautiful. Especially the second stanza. The second stanza, in itself, is a poem, another story, it's perfect.

You even took advice what I said about "list poetry." Maybe you didn't take it, but you used some of it at one part.

My only complaint was seeing the word "lie" (or one of its forms) used too close to each other without reason (End of first and beginning of second stanza). But that is just nitpicking. I will get in contact about you and see if you want to help critique poems here. Talk to you then.

Now back to your poem - I want to analyze it, but I haven't the time. Perhaps I'll edit this later. (Most likely not though).

*Applauds* Good job.
 

Luigitoilet

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Wow, El Nino. First the amazing fic, now this. I hope to see alot more, both poetry and fiction-wise...

Though, after writing this next one. I think you intimidated me more than helped me. Oh well.

Actually, this one doesn't have a name.
-

My dreams are like cloudy tubes of grays and navy blues,
I’m soaring through them, while an angel kisses all my wounds.
They’re rarely nothing more, nothing less.
Only nightmares are different.

“Everything changes,” he says to me,
But how can I believe that,
When all my thoughts are the same?

He repeats himself over, a gruff,
Yet smooth voice.
At that moment I know that he
Can see so much more than I.

He knows that they have come,
To take me with
Their lies.

I’m trying to tell you this,
But I don’t know what to say.
My mind is only on those dreams,
Never the nightmares.

He whispers in my ear,
His coarse whisper, his ice-tipped wings,
He flies me away.

He takes me away,
Through that misty tube,
Filled with liquid,
The dark devils left behind.

I love this all,
So much more than you.
Is it wrong? I don’t really care.

From the soft, liquid tubes,
To the dark pink hues of his memories,
The claustrophobia,
The horror. The horror.

He grabs me, and I can see
A warrior clad in football gear,
Hanging by his neck on a cross.

I feel a burning in my stomach,
And I begin to understand the woes,
And the seductions of the needle.
I watch as my shadow glides over the turbulent sea.
 

Bazooka Lucca

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Messages
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You've got me on the meaning behind this. The closest thing I can relate to it is sex. It has several things that could relate to some kind of "sexual tension" or something. Here's why I mention so:

"He takes me away,
Through that misty tube,
Filled with liquid,
The dark devils left behind.

I love this all,
So much more than you.
Is it wrong? I don’t really care.

From the soft, liquid tubes,
To the dark pink hues of his memories,
The claustrophobia,
The horror. The horror.

[...]

I feel a burning in my stomach,
And I begin to understand the woes,
And the seductions of the needle.
I watch as my shadow glides over the turbulent sea."

But I'm sure that's not it. It just made it a little more interesting.

The imagery here is great. Opening line is perfect: "My dreams are like cloudy tubes of grays and navy blues." 2nd stanza is great, I have nothing but praise for you on that one.

It's got a nice flow to it, a nice broken rhythm. It feels great.

Submit more poetry like this man, this is the kind of stuff I like reading.
 

Vaerix

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Jun 27, 2003
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Location
Sugar Land, TX
My first time posting a poem...

In the night, when the sky is clear
I know I have nothing to fear
Because I know I am well protected
By what I have done and what I have said

All of those things have no meaning to me
Because all of those things are lost at sea
And further down the road, I see nothing but wasteland
A world I had destroyed with my own hand

I have done too much to be forgiven
For what I have done and what I have been
This cursed trend
Has banished me to time's end...
 

Bazooka Lucca

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Well, I'm going to start listing cliches in the poems I see. This will help people out. One of the keys to good writing is to avoid cliches.

Cliches
  • "[...]lost at sea."
  • "[...]further down the road[.]"
  • "[...]time's end."

And perhaps some in the third stanza. Sorry to begin on a negative note, but that's what I often see when reading poems like this. Well this poem has alot of loose ends. If you are going to do that, at least make it interesting loose ends. Loose ends that make you think. There is no specifics in here, which means you were general, however it's a bland general. General can be good, when you are being brief. But by brief I mean a couple words describing a whole situation. I'm kind of rambling on, but I think you should be able to make sense of that.

So some things to keep in mind: Punctuation, Imagery (or at least more colorful words), and avoid cliches. Keep writing though. =D
 

El Nino

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Critique: Luigitoilet

*Luigitoilet*
Well, I don't think you have any reason to be intimidated, not by me, anyway. Your material is very well written.

The greatest strength of your poem is the imagery. Very well detailed, and it has a potent dreamlike quality. The feeling behind it is also made tangible by a defined narrative voice and the things you choose to describe. I like the second to last stanza for the image it conveys--very much like a dream image. And also, the references to "his ice-tipped wings" and "dark pink hues of his memories" are good descriptive lines. It's interesting that memories can have colors, and how does one envision "dark pink" anyway?

I'm bad with interpretation. I can only hesitantly guess that it's an inference to drug use? Well, just the cloudy tube, the needle, and the escapism... Or, maybe not.

The only possible suggestion I have to mention concerns the first line of stanza 7 sounding too similar to the last line of stanza 6. Maybe substitute "away" in stanza 7 for something else?

Regardless, it's a good, visual poem. Traces of subtlety, and a little haunting, in a good way.
 

El Nino

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Critique: Shadow Swordsman

*Shadow Swordsman*

Hey, not bad for a first post. Your poem gives me the impression of someone brooding over past actions, considering the future, trying not the regret the past, but failing. There's a sense of remorse behind it, and a distinct contradiction between the beginning, when the narrator says, "I have nothing to fear", and the end, with the reference to being "banished" for things done in the past. The narrator seems to go from feeling "protected" to feeling regret.

Lines that I liked:
"In the night, when the sky is clear"
"I have done too much to be forgiven"

The first I like because it opens the poem with a visual setting. It places the narrator in a background, physically and mentally. Calm night can be a metaphor for quiet contemplation, or a place and time when memories start to resurface. The second I like just because it seems so definitive and fatalistic, blunt and honest.

Suggestions: More imagery would work well. The first line presents a visual setting, but the next line jumps into a blatant expression. I would expand on the setting; a narrator's state of mind can be revealed with greater impact by how the surroundings are described.

Also, the middle stanza could tell more. Don't make it too explicit, but you could hint at the nature of the past, what about it makes the future a "wasteland". This way the reader can better identify with your narrator. Or, you could take one of the metaphors you introduced (sea, road, wasteland) and use it to visually symbolize the narrator's past and journey to the present.

Well, just suggestions. Keep up your writing, and I hope to see more of your work.
 

Bazooka Lucca

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Yeah, my apologies for being so harsh at times. Somtimes I wont' take the time to go through a poem when I've got other things to do. So I added Luigi Toilet and El Nino to help out critiquing it they want. So now I can submit stuff.

So here's a short poem I wrote describing a particular evening. I got stuck here and decided there wasn't anything real negative about its short length. I wish I could have drug it out longer, but it just didn't happen.
--------------

"The Arrival Home"

The climax comes to an end, and,
We split like amoebas; Call it a night.
Your smell never leaves,
Till sleep comes; It surrounds me like bed sheets;
Where your love seeps through by osmosis from my
Shirt serving as a pillow case.
 

Luigitoilet

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I think with the subject of the poem, keeping it brief was the wisest choice.

I like how you have details in it that wouldn't necessarily be related to love, like amoebas and osmosis.

Nothing really wrong with this, and it's an enjoyable read. Not too long to get tedious, as I think it could've if you drug it out.

Sorry, I can't find much to critique!
 

greenfire

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First of all, i know these aren't rhyming a lot, i know it is probably long, but please just read it.....

LOVE

Love is like a raging river.
starts off as a gorge,
waiting to be known,
like a talented actor
or a true champion.
waiting to be found,
like a lost puppy,
waiting for someone to hold and love.
being alone,
feeling like no one will ever care.

Then you go to rapids.
which is kinda like a friend's party,
getting bumped and shoved,
like river rapids would be,
crashing into rocks.
swishing and swirling,
water going faster and faster.
waiting when it'll settle down,
thinking you'd die right then and there.

Then you see her.
and that is the quiet pool.
all is peaceful and placid.
not a single wave,
or disturbance in mood.
she is so beautiful,
and you two look eye into eye.
knowing you two were having a connection.
and not saying a word,
you two become comepletely quiet.
and you seem to have known each other for ever.
and and finally you become known to each other.
finally she speaks,
which calms the party mood.
and soothes the soul.
her voice fluttering on the air,
so light it can be used to float a planet.
it seems gravity is pulling you two together.
and your voice is choked by her beauty.
after a long, what seemed forever conversation,
you two kiss.
she tasted kinda funny,
like a candy you've never had.
your body feels like the search is over,
and she found.
and finally you're happy as if you'd never been before,
like you've won the lottery a million times.
you wish a thousand wishes that day never ended.

The next week,
the journey is almost over.
and the river is almost complete,
but two pieces lie ahead.
and the most treacherous comes,
the falls.
a ring from the phone comes,
like a buzzer from your alarm clock at two in the morning.
startling you in your slumber.
hoping once again it is your one and only love,
but is not.
instead is was her..........
boyfriend.
but wait, she didn't have a boyfriend at the party?
she told me.....
awwwwwwww man. she lied to me.
feeling like a horrible mistake was bestowed apuon your life,
what seemed like a sweet, beautiful girl,
was a demon,
slashing at your heart,
since you two kissed.
the tumbling and turning of the falls is inside your stomach,
like a ghostly parasite tormenting your soul.
the boyfriend cusses you out,
making you and your life feel more like crap.
he hangs up without you saying a word.
and you remember,
how she tasted kinda funny.
oh geez, she was drunk,
thats why she didn't tell me,
she was probably drunk.
and you go back to bed,
trying to think she is still innocent....

The last trial is finally here,
the river has overcome many treacheries,
and now he empties to the ocean.
where that mistake will hopefully never be repeated.
she never called back, by the way.
and he was transformed,
and overcome with knowledge,
that there is still more fish in the world.

i know there might be a lot of mistakes, in puctuation, poetry schemes, etc. but i just felt like writing something.
 

Bazooka Lucca

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Well, it was an interesting read. It was an interesting idea. And I must say, you kept my interest all the way through. It is riddled with cliches. I like the subtle forms of alliteration all throughout this poem. It's note very "poetic" all the way through. That is, the way it flows. I like the imagery, and the constant water theme. I liked how you compared each part of the river to a part in a relationship with a girl. I like how it's very unique from the other poems in this topic. Good job.

Lengthy reading isn't bad if it's a story. Just as long as it progresses fast enough.
 

El Nino

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Critique: Bazooka Lucca

*Bazooka Lucca*
"The Arrival Home"

I think you did a really nice job with this. It's short, but it still says a lot. It catches the mood of a moment almost perfectly. And because you keep it simple, you don't waste any words.

I liked this part:
"We split like amoebas; Call it a night."

The metaphor is deep. It implies that when together, the "we" mentioned are like a single entity. Separation forces them to be individuals when they are away from each other. The metaphor is carried through when you mention love by "osmosis", how two separate cells communicate and trade substance between them.

What is interesting also is the abstract way of telling how a person or experience affects the narrator's senses in the immediate surroundings, the mentioning of "bed sheets" and the line professing, "Your smell never leaves". It all tells something about, I'm guessing, a relationship?... of being with someone but by describing the separation. An ironically effective approach.

The punctuation threw me off a little, but that doesn't affect the reading of the poem very much. It's still a good example of concise, meaningful writing.
 

greenfire

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Downey, CA
ok, this one is not like my other one. and i know this doesn't apply to everyone. so here it goes......
TECHNOLOGY

I'm so happy,
i finally got my new computer.
i feel like dancing in a way a never had before.
and giving a million thanks to my parents,
who bought it for me.
it has a 3 gigahert,
pentium four processor.
512 mb sdram,
cdrw/dvd combo drive,
windows XP,
four usb ports,
one firewire,
and much more.
oh my god, i feel like i could just fly.

what seemed like a week later......

what the ****?
now they have a four giga hert,
pentium four processor?
one million mb sdram?
and now windows XP professional?
oh man...
i bought my crap computer too early.
now mine sucks.
i feel so below.
like a lower classman in highschool again.
like i'm not up to date.
technology sucks........


ok, now i know there are probably more mistakes than in my first one, and i know my first one is better (i guess). i just felt like writing something again. and if you don''t know about computers, sorry.....
 

Bazooka Lucca

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LoL that's funny.

It's not poetic, really. It's got a message though, and is somewhat humerous.
 

Vaerix

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Jun 27, 2003
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Time for another poem...

War: Will it End?

The heated battlefield of tanks and guns,
The blood-stained plain of lost men and women,
War has caused this,
This inescapable torment of hate and destruction.

What gave a person the right to take the life of another?
Why, why must these people suffer the pain of a lost loved one?
Was it the power-hungry government? Or the deadly opposing side?
Why, I ask, do things have to be this way?

The innocent die, the righteous fall, by the hand of another person.
Hasn't this senseless destruction gone on long enough?
Or do people plan on keeping it alive through constant threats
Of terroristic actions?

This bloodshed is tearing this planet apart
And it doesn't plan on stopping
The wild raging fury of missile fire.
I wish for it to end, but greed and jealousy have kept this horrible thing alive
Since the beginning of time.
 

Bazooka Lucca

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Some of my favorite phrases in this were: "The blood stained-plain," "The wild raging fury of missile fire."

You get your point across, which is good. It's not really poetic though. By that I mean that it doesn't seem to flow poetically. I think all the questions didn't do a whole lot for you. Well you had the right idea with some lines like those ones I liked. Try building from there. This isn't horrible or anything. Keep writing.

*Edit*

Dang I can sound mean sometimes. Anyways, look at what el nino wrote, he summed it up more effectively than I.
 

Aurora Grid

Smash Lord
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Messages
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Somewhere
Hey It's me again I made this poem as a tribute to 9/11 here you go.

The 11th Day


The 11th day could have been a normal day.

But the Tragic thing that happened Kept it from being normal.

The Two High Towers fell.

And not only the Building vanished.

But the people as well.


The 11th day was bathed with Tears

Tears of Love, Tears of Anger, Tears of sorrow.

It was a day... Where the soil was watered.

A day where people tought that all seemed lost.

A Day that no living soul will forget.


All this makes me wonder about the future

And what things will it store for us

It's time to start a better tomorrow

But humanity is too blind to do that

But If that happens..

Let's hope that humanity won't destroy themselves until then.
 

El Nino

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Critique: greenfire

*greenfire*
"LOVE" and "TECHNOLOGY"

The first poem starts off with a nice metaphor comparing love to a river. I've seen this before, but you do a good job of showing the different parts of a river, from the rapids to the pools, and the reference to the sense of drowning. It took me a second read-through to realize that it's the story of a river's journey to the ocean (maybe I'm slow), and I think that concept is very fitting for the situation you described.

I would have liked to see a greater visual development of the metaphor. Around the third stanza and in other places, I think you could also trim it down. I liked the first half of the second stanza: "Then you go to rapids./which is kinda like a friend's party,/getting bumped and shoved,/like river rapids would be". Nice sense of poetic flow. But I want to warn against using too many words and being too explicit, as I think is what happens in the second half of the poem. If you give the reader enough to sense what is going on, they will put the pieces together without needing you to expliciting state the experience to them.

For instance, in your second poem, you can say the same thing in the first stanza with fewer words. If you cut the first two lines, it might become something like: "I feel like dancing/and giving a million thanks to my parents./It has a 3 gigahert,/pentium four processor..." etc.

When you say "I feel like dancing," the reader knows that the narrator is happy, so you don't need to state it in the first line. Then the reader might wonder, "Why is this person happy?" By describing the machine a part at a time, the reader gets introduced to it gradually, but it's obvious that the thing the narrator is so happy about is a computer. So you don't always have to state things so explicitly like "I got a new computer" when you've already done a pretty good job of describing it.

The subject matter is funny though, and it can make for good satire. Technology frustrates a lot of people; more or less than love, the subject of your first poem...? I can't say....
 

KirbyMan3000

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A school assignment that I want critiqued before turned in

I had to write a sonnet describing the monster in the novel of Frankenstein, and I think it came out pretty decent but I want it critiqued first. BTW, I suck at rhyming...so yeah, here goes:

Monster

He is cursed with loneliness forever,
Shunned by society forevermore,
Created by a strange man’s endeavor,
Lives his life truthfully, and furthermore,
Thrust into the wide world, without knowledge,
He’s educated of love, hate, and truth,
Lives through life without company, his edge,
Is lost, his life, an empty, worthless booth,
He is never belonging anywhere,
Truth be told, he shall die a lonely death,
Not deserving to breathe the rich, crisp air,
Life is sucked from his unnatural breath.
A barren wasteland of the frozen north,
Shall be the last place this horror comes forth.
 

Bazooka Lucca

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Good job keeping to the sonnet form. I can see you took time to do this. Even iambic pentameter, good job. *shrugs* You were limited with the subject though. It would be hard to submit something like this for a class and still fully express yourself. When, in actuality, you are expressing something else. Good job though, Did you get a good grade?

Don't worry about rhyming, it's hard to do and limits you. It's hard to make something rhyme and have it not seem cliche or uninteresting.
 
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