Official Poetry Critique Topic- Now Public to anyone!

[DerpDaBerp]

word


I would just never be able to guess what connection you were trying to make without telling me

 

[johnbriner]

"Soulless"
© Giygas 2003

I'm walking alone
All I have is fear
I've lost everything
That much is clear

What I have seen
What I have done
It plays back in my head
Like a bad rerun

I never knew
Did not presume
That my whole world
Would drop with gloom

Time stands still
I look to the sky
The one thing on my mind
Is only why

These things are done
What must happen now?
I can't accept
I simply disavow

I won't leave my past
I won't forget my plight
I can't move on
Or swallow my fright

Because I have no name
And I have no role
I lead a lost life
A life without a soul

Nice poem, and nice writing! You must be very hurt, or did I guess it right? But then try working with your punctuations, I bet, It will be more full of emotions if you'll out punctuation marks!

 

[DerpDaBerp]

Rock Bottom

A mountain empty of hope,
cracked from top to bottom;
somewhere lies a dead goat,
forever shall this haunt em'.

The past has taken it's toll,
the mountain could stand no more;
defeat begins to play it's role,
crashing down to a level once before.

The clouds fill with ire,
the world begins to shake;
there was nothing else to admire,
lying next to a dried up lake.

Now a rock once filled with life,
blocking the paths of many;
never can they be cut by knife,
blaming everyone for their insanity.

------------------------------------------
I'm a beginner at poetry. So give me all you've got.

So, I think the first thing that distracted me from the content, which I enjoyed, was the syllabic organization. There wasn't any. The beat in my head is thrown off when one line is conspicuously longer or shorter than the rest (the last line of the 2nd stanza is probably the best example). And different line lengths would be fine, but none of the stanzas do it the same way.
This almost seems like a job for just a thesaurus. Condense or extend or whatever, but consistency is what I'd look for.

I am in no way opposed to the rhyme of "bottom" and "haunt 'em", but that sort of slang-like abbreviation didn't show up anywhere else. This is a relatively minor problem, but, its uniqueness makes the rhyme seem out of place and kind of forced.

IMO

I liked it otherwise.

 

[Alien Vision]

So, I think the first thing that distracted me from the content, which I enjoyed, was the syllabic organization. There wasn't any. The beat in my head is thrown off when one line is conspicuously longer or shorter than the rest (the last line of the 2nd stanza is probably the best example). And different line lengths would be fine, but none of the stanzas do it the same way.
This almost seems like a job for just a thesaurus. Condense or extend or whatever, but consistency is what I'd look for.

I am in no way opposed to the rhyme of "bottom" and "haunt 'em", but that sort of slang-like abbreviation didn't show up anywhere else. This is a relatively minor problem, but, its uniqueness makes the rhyme seem out of place and kind of forced.

IMO

I liked it otherwise.

I concur. I didn't even know they were called stanzas; if that shows you how much I need to learn about poetry. I thought it was doable the way I did it. Everything still connects. Everything isn't that awfully positioned atleast. It does have a faint side of dissonance - but I do believe that is what gives it that genuine atmosphere. Thankyou for your critique. I am glad you liked it besides those errors. What was your interpretations?

Instead of making new threads. Should I just post my poems in here?

 

[DerpDaBerp]

Yes, the Official Poetry Critique Thread is probably the best for poetry critiquing

 

[Alien Vision]

A Past Memory

A girl I once knew as a child,
laughing in a muddled world;
a time when she first smiled,
the tears in my eyes swirled.

My eyes watched her change,
as time begin to pass me by;
our connection lost it's range,
it begins to rain as I cry.

Her shadow I now despise,
taking away her soul;
she soon met her demise,
silently we took our toll.

My heart without reason,
still holds on to you;
I live another sad season,
drowning in tears of blue.

 

[DerpDaBerp]

So I happened upon this in a folder in my computer. I remember writing it for a poetry class I had a couple of years ago and found it charming enough to share with you
sods

I know I call it a ballad, and while it's not in ballad meter (and is in fact just a bunch of limericks ), it does tell a story.

The Ballad of Socrates' Pig

There once was a man called wise,
believed to have spoken no lies.
Apt indeed was his mind
but its passion declined--
world-weariness in his eyes.

One troubling evening he
bade his son sit on his knee.
“Claim happiness, you’ll
be an ignorant fool!”
His last words, unfortunately.

Now, the sons of wise men ought
to believe in all they are taught.
But as the wise do,
it felt only right to
ask, “Why?” of father’s last thought.

After some years’ worth of growth,
the son swore to himself an oath:
to find a joy real
and wisdom ideal
and not to come back without both.

And not to come back without both


It’s been many years from that date
and no one yet knows of his state,
but until the day when
the son looms again,
his loved ones they sit and they wait.

tell me what you think

 

[Alien Vision]

So I happened upon this in a folder in my computer. I remember writing it for a poetry class I had a couple of years ago and found it charming enough to share with you
sods

I know I call it a ballad, and while it's not in ballad meter (and is in fact just a bunch of limericks ), it does tell a story.




tell me what you think

I believe this ''ballad'' is about how knowledge can turn us into a grey machine that speaks of only truth, and perfection. In the end we forget about something that perfection can never compete with. Happiness, and it's bursting array of elements. I wrote something a few years ago similar in context regarding your ''ballad''. Take it as you will.

|''You Cannot Be Happy And -Wise- At The Same Time.''|

''The -wise- I speak of is when you take knowledge and turn it into a monster.''

''You become a ghost to your reality.''

''How can one lay down their -wise- words, if they have no solid ground to stand upon?''

''The moment you become a ghost, is the moment you become transparent to all of what your ghost within has confined''

''You become a zombie. There is a difference between you, and those that are in horror flicks. They have a goal. You don't.''

''When you take knowledge into a larger, corporatized level. That is being -wise-.
You are drifting away from what is true to us from the beginning, for something that doesn't even exist.''​

Happiness is the edge that wise men cannot see because being wise is about sacrificing the layers of ignorance we placed subconsciously to protect ourselves.

This is why a person should never want to know everything. It makes you question the very elements that give you life.

 

[DerpDaBerp]

I wasn't trying to draw any conclusion, and especially not to demonize wisdom.


I heard a phrase once that went:
"It is better to be a dissatisfied Socrates than a satisfied pig."

I didn't like how it suggested a mutual exclusivity.

 

[Alien Vision]

I wasn't trying to draw any conclusion, and especially not to demonize wisdom.


I heard a phrase once that went:
"It is better to be a dissatisfied Socrates than a satisfied pig."

I didn't like how it suggested a mutual exclusivity.

You could've been a bit more specific when you said ''Tell me what you think''. I did just that.

That quote sounds like it has alot of things wrong with it. Not that it just sounds like an opinion.

 

[DerpDaBerp]

...It was kind of a fleeting request I guess.


I think if anything, I'd like to know how many of you find limericks more annoying than anything.

Or rather even more generally:

Do more of you prefer meter or free-verse?

 

[Alien Vision]

...It was kind of a fleeting request I guess.


I think if anything, I'd like to know how many of you find limericks more annoying than anything.

Or rather even more generally:

Do more of you prefer meter or free-verse?

New Discussion ! ! !

Why are the names for alternate poem structures so weird?​

Stanzas. Limericks. Really?

 

[DerpDaBerp]

really?

 

[Alien Vision]

really?

Stanza sounds like an alternative way of saying one-night stand.

Limerick sounds like diet cocaine.

Need I say more?

 

[DerpDaBerp]

If anyone else has some OC, I'd love to be entertained by you

 

[Alien Vision]

If somehow my idea offends you, I am sorry. It's just weird names.

 

[DerpDaBerp]

welll... how about some actual poetry discussion and or actual critiquing

 

[Alien Vision]

You've never critiqued my latest poem. I've been waiting patiently.

 

[The Nameless Wanderer]

I feel great I'd say
what are words and thoughts?
Wonder what I shall do today
swimming lights
A step closer to dreams.

Days passing by me, forgetting them
I hope to soon remember
Always find myself lost,
I'll find my way back on December
finding the way to dreams.

Though hesitation may invade my thoughts
I know that I have my faults
I accept them and move on

Where am I now I wonder?

Eh I kind of forgotten why I wrote this piece or even what I was trying to get at lol.



A puppy is born into this world
It sees unknown vastness
Soon all enclosed in a fence
Don't let curiosity die.

All a measure of meters?
I only count steps.
How much would it take for global distance?
Guess it's time to start the journey.

With time everything withers away
or so they say...
Do things ever lose their beauty?
That is up to us.

I guess I could of done a way better opening but nothing else was coming to me.


Critque away and don't pull any punches.

 

[Alien Vision]

Something I wrote for my personal reasons..

My mind is playing chess,
Lost in it's own worlds;
I try to do my very best,
Soon my chaos unfurls.

From darkness to light,
I am alienated from;
Nothing but a blight,
Even worse than a bum.

My might is silent,
My tears are unknown;
I cannot be complient,
With chills down my bone.

There is no escape for me,
I tried, I tried, and I tried;
Somebody there I cannot see,
Made rules I've learned to abide.

-

Time was once my friend,
Now it is my enemy;
A scar that I cannot mend,
Nobody can fend for me.

The seed of burden is now,
The gravity has spoken;
A drop of sweat on my brow,
Balance is now broken.

Melted images cross my mind,
I am no longer my boss;
Everything turns me blind,
Forever I shall be lost.

The endless screams I hear,
I am now my own burden to bear,
The hollow shadows that appear;
Imprisoned in my shadow's lair..

 

[Deleted member]

I watched him straying from afar
Mind wandering without pause
As if he's a lost orphan
Unsure of his own cause

Tears lost amidst that pale skin
Adorning his beautiful face
I take a few steps closer
Oddly, leaving no trace

I figure I could comfort him
A move that might seem bold
But shivers travel down his spine
A sign he's getting cold

A shaky sneeze issues forth
Frost emanating from his chest
A wintery air surrounding him
Delivering a sweet caress

Closing in, I try to warm
This fragile, frozen child
But it seems it's all in vain
His heart is far from mild

His boots come to a slow halt
He seems to have reached his end
But here lay his destination
The grave of an old friend

Following him here, to my surprise
Leads my eyes to see
The grave over whom he weeps for
Is none other than me...


~Ghost~​

 

[Alien Vision]

cool story bro

 

[Deleted member]

Anyone gonna critique mine? :3

 

[darkgirku]

Hmm, I've coincidentally been stumbling upon ghost related stories and music and literature a lot. So I read yours and was immediately interested after reading "oddly leaving no trace"

Anyways, The last few lines about the entity wanting to comfort a past friend and the friend maybe thinking the same thing for the ghost, speaks to me of broken connections that stay alive despite years of no communications, perhaps unknown to both parties. Connections broken for inevitable reasons, or perhaps by choice.

That's at least the metaphoric aspect I can take from your poem, regardless if it was supposed to be metaphoric or not

 

[Veetaak]

I have never done this before but I got an urge to do this.

I was inspired by the Kingdom Hearts games.

Worlds away but still so near
My eyes cannot reach
What we share can
I feel you
I know that you are out there

The darkness cannot hinder
This piercing chain of light
To cross it's path

Soon I'm with you
It is our destiny

I never gave up hope
To see you once more
That was my promise

Filled with light
It will guide us
Back to where we started

Our hearts

We are connected

 

[darkgirku]

Haven't played Kingdom Hearts in forever, and I only really played the first one.
But it was still an alright poem.
A lot of it seemed to broken up. Like the stanzas were just individual lines and unrelated thoughts instead of whole flows.
examples:

"This piercing chain of light
To cross it's path"
and
"I never gave up hope
To see you once more"

I mean, while reading, i was confused on how to read it.
Sometimes it felt like a period should go there, but the next sentence would tell me "oh wait, this is still the same sentence"

I dunno, just what I got from a few readings of it.

I did like some of the lines and thoughts behind it though

"Filled with light
It will guide us
Back to where we started"

Back to the start with light instead of a darkness, or the future.
i dunno, thats all i got lol.

I wish this thread got a bit more traffic.

 

[DerpDaBerp]

line breaks can be really important. Just like the spoken word, emphasizing certain parts of sentences by giving them their own lines can change people's perception of what you're saying, if only to the extent that you know when to pause.
Some poems lose a lot of impact when they're not minimizing negative space.

Personally, I don't think punctuation really matters since I think poems are more fit to be spoken anyway.

 

[darkgirku]

Yeah agreed. I was saying "a period there" as in, knowing when to stop speaking.
However, just because a line is separate doesn't mean it can't flow through this negative space.

hmm maybe ill post a few of mine sometime so i can get some criticism
dunno who even still looks at this thread though lol
whatevs, ill do it anywhos

 

[saigatachi]

Personally, I don't think punctuation really matters since I think poems are more fit to be spoken anyway.

Punctuation is vital! Even more vital to poetry, where one word here and another word there means everything to the purpose of a poem. With punctuation properly used, you can guide your readers to receive your poem how you want them to receive it.

 

[DerpDaBerp]

Their absense can do the same thing.

It's not that I never use punctuation, I just acknowledge the value of none

 

[darkgirku]

I usually try to avoid punctuation if possible. Makes it look nicer in my eyes.
Sometimes though, it's just gotta happen lol

 

[Veetaak]

Didn't notice I got a response, thx for that

It was my first poem ever but I felt like sharing it anyways, haha

I agree that this thread should have more traffic

 

[Jim Morrison]

The only punctuation I use in my poems are periods. If I want notify someone taking a break somewhere, I usually don't put a comma, just start a new line below.

 

[Qlaw]

Time for some depressing Qlaw poems(Yaaaayyy)

"loose ends"
I'm sitting in a corner screaming, crying in my pain
The world so dark now, does any light remain
my mind is full of abstract thoughts that I just can't pull in

Don't ask me if I'm ok
When it is obvious I am not
And don't ask me for the rain
when the sun melting hot

Is that all i am to you
Just a pillow for your abuse
Then leave me here in this room, I can tie my own damn noose

Hanging from the wall
will you remember me at all
Or just remember all those goddamn pictures that helped produce my fall?

I don't need to clarify all the mistakes that I have made
Is it enough to say I'm sorry it won't happen again
I guess it's a little late
To be tying up loose ties
But when your funeral's tomorrow there's no time to say goodbye

I never got all those chances that I think I could take
They just slipped through my fingers it was all just up to fate
And when I finally fade away
Just remember that I cared
I was there yesterday
but no one else was there

 

[~Tac~]

I think it's about time for some revival this new year. Unlikely, but optimistic.

 

[Elessar]

Not sure if this would technically qualify as a poem or not, but here it goes. I wrote this back on 2008.

Hope Anew

Long forgotten, buried in memories old,
Lies this tale begotten, from the myths of the few bold,
Who upon their shoulders was carried, our fate and theirs,
As to have their legacy never buried, the answer to our prayers.

Of these days few memories survive, for such is their fate,
To never fully thrive. Yet in us lies, duty so great,
To remember this lore, as to avoid another such war.

Yet forgotten in time, also forgotten in mind,
And for centuries buried, at last the tale’s brought back to light,
By those who’ve been harried, by those sired by this same knight

So all ye hear and hearken, for wisdom is due,
A hope against this new omen, a hope that is all too true.
So grip this knowledge tightly, take heart and breathe anew,
Cuddling by it nightly, letting the words cut through bone and sinew.

Twenty centuries have passed, more if one begins from the start,
Since this day unsurpassed, in love, in miracle, in deeds from the heart.
Darkness all over crept, when the prophecy became flesh,
A promise which heeds all those who wept, to make hope and life once more fresh.

A foe merrily ruled the land, much like what we have at hand,
A darkness not heeded, which brought pain not needed,
Through strive, through famine, through disease; his hunger was never appeased.

A similar foe rules today, kept in check, barely at bay,
By a handful of brave, a handful not deprave.
These are the heirs to the throne, brothers in blood, brothers in soul,
These are the ones who atone, the ones who seek to be made whole.

Yet as in all dark times a hero arose, to change our fate, to challenge all foes.
Bravely he stood and in defiance he lived, preparing the path, our salvation so swift,
Walking in light, walking in grace, sharing a life which all sought to embrace.

The king upon his throne sat, a throne of pain, a throne of blood,
Nourished content and fat, while the people ailed with crud.
The king seemed to care not, of all else besides him he utterly forgot.

Injustice he imparted to old and young, reigning merrily free of threat and want,
Yet hearing the prophecy its meaning stung, leaving this fat selfish monarch all but daunt.
Rising swiftly, filled with despair, he made his face solemn for all to bear,
Turning fear to ire he ordered a hunt, dispatched all the army up to the very last grunt.

To bring the saviour’s head they had, to hunt and kill like wolves gone mad,
Obey they did, their souls being his, children slit as if nothing amiss.
Yet hope anew arose, despite the chaos brought by the foes,
For here the hero was saved, spirited away, never to be enslaved.

And so the years went by, the time of freedom ever more nigh.
The tyrant monarch restless grew, his fear consuming, his downfall too true.
A decade times three came and went, nothing ever diminishing his torment.

Day and night he trembled and despaired, knowing his doom to be prepared,
To escape from fate he could not, of all else besides the hero he forgot.
Obsession ravaged his mind, his body and soul followed close behind.
Estranged from the world he became, enclosed in his own madness never tamed.

And so another myth was born, of the cruel tyrant upon the throne,
Never dying, his people forever forlorn, his cruelty and malice having only grown,
To him by folklore immortality bestowed, in nightmares alone he now abode.

Of the hero people forgot, the prophecy legends and myth became,
His name uttered was not, his birth and memory rapidly losing fame.
Yet when time was ripe he started his quest, to rid the land of tyrant so obsessed.

From town to town he went, showing the people their torment,
Denouncing the crimes of the crown, his fame like fire spread all around.
Followers his cause gained, their respect and admiration obtained,
By one so humble yet proud, one who touched the hearts of the crowd.

Messengers he named and away they were sent, to spread the news of the hero they went,
News of life, news of freedom renewed, news that no person should exclude.
They summoned the brave and the bold, summoned they for whom fate would unfold.
A revolt he planned, to face the king he meant, on freeing his people his will was bent.

Of this the malevolent king learnt, hate and fear on his soul burnt.
To kill the hero, to kill the hope, this only solution could his mind grope,
To destroy his memory, to stop his crusade, of this inciter and rebel became afraid.

His time was nigh, his doom at hand, yet fall he won’t without a last stand.
He summoned his forces, he summoned his spies, he summoned all bringers of demise.
The tyrant arose, the king now stood, to ride out and guide his army he would,
He marched out to battle, he marched out to fate, he went to destroy the target of his hate.

The people arose and the summons they heeded, a change of fate the desperately needed.
To the hero they went with arms in hands, their blood they offered to free their lands,
Peasants and farmers, soldiers and guards, of such a mighty army sing the bards.

On the field of the skull the met, two huge armies which bespoke of threat,
Threat of doom, threat of change, with a king barely sane on brink of derange,
Of truce and arrangements he cared not, in blind blood lust he was caught.

Utter silence fell on both crowds, in fear and hope they were shroud,
Fear of death, hope of life, yet all looking forward to strife.
The hero came to the front sword in hand, the army was his to command.
And as the drums of war began playing, hearts and souls began swaying.

The king’s horns of war first blew, into frenzy this his soldier’s threw,
Under a spell of blood, a king of gone mad, gone was the humanity they once had.
Demons of blood, fiends of gore they were, the witch king left no room to err,
An ancient shadow cast upon the host, and an evil transformation fell on most.

The hero this noticed as did his men, fear and doubt growing in them again.
Yet our hero this saw and acted fast, with a loud war cry he charged at last,
“Unto me brave men of Gwyer” he cried, “It is to a life of freedom that we ride!”

In no man’s land they loudly clashed, against the shields many a man smashed,
With cries of pain scores of men fell, for hours on end the victor impossible to tell.
Day and night, night and day, continuously the fought without dismay,
To give their lives they had come, and while having breath they would not succumb.

A fortnight if not more did the battle last, before the die seemed to be cast,
In favour of the king the tide went, rendering his selfish heart quite content.
Yet peace and glee he had not, for the hero had still not been caught.

Impatience at last swayed his heart, the ruling king charged with a start,
His fury was great with hunger and desire, no man or beast could stand his ire,
He cut through the ranks ever so swiftly, of only one foe his mind worried chiefly.

A deafening cry pierced the air, startling the hero, filling his host with despair,
They all parted giving way to the king, thus forming around both a fighting ring.
The king sitting tall upon his horse, glared in contempt at one so mighty,
He it was who of his fear has been the source, the one who slain would be so rightly.

“Prepare yourself, your bells have tolled! I am here for all to behold,
How beneath my might you succumb! Cry for mercy; your reaper has come!"
At the king’s words all around trembled, all battle ceased to see what this becomes,
The entire host in awe assembled, the only faint sound being that of the war drums.

Shrinking not but standing proud and tall, the hero cried this as to be heard by all,
“You threats are void as is your heart! Tremble I do not, neither do I fear!
The time has come for you to depart, your demise now draws quite near!”

“Then come and meet terror and death! Let this farce be over and done!
I shall see you draw your last breath, that all you efforts are undone!
Your ideals and dreams will now cease to be, and with it your band of rebellious scum!
The only king they’ll ever know is me, the only hope they shall ever have is none!”

“Your terror is over, the nightmare is done! The Night passed away, morning has come!
Slay me you might, destroy me is your will, but my ideals and dreams thou shall not kill!
To perish in battle might my fate, yet for your ruling the hour is all too late!”

“Cease your babbling you pestering fool! The full strength of my power you know not!
If you think that so far I have been cruel, I shall teach you better wisdom in this very spot!
Behold your demise, behold your downfall, behold the god who this people shall enthral!”

“You fashion yourself immortal, you fashion yourself undying,
I shall render you utterly mortal, wounded, prostrated and for death crying!
Cease this talk, cease this threat! To your reign I shall put an end!
Face me in battle, dismount and regret, for to Hades your soul I shall send!”

With those words said the hero took his stand, teasing the monarch with sword in hand.
The evil ruler believe his ears he could not, this insect had cursed him in front of the lot!
A challenge had been cast by one so daring, decline it he could not, for that would be erring
Rising to the challenge dismount he did, already laughing while his own fear he hid.

“So the deer defies the wolf’s might, the prey believes he can win the struggle.
Come now; you shall die before this knight, you shall lie in your own blood’s puddle!”
Rising high and standing tall, this sovereign king was amazing to behold.

As one they both charged to the battle, their footsteps silencing all other rattle.
Loudly their swords clashed in the field, their postures perfect, none would yield.
Like distant thunder they sounded, and as bright lightning they seemed,
The host was now confounded, how come their swords so gleamed.

The king clad in full black plate, was quite a sight to behold,
He looked liked a god of hate, like one of the demons of old.
His sword red as his ire, it gleamed as if alight with fire.

The hero clad in silver armour, shone quite bright in contrast,
His very presence seemed like glamour, the difference being quite so vast.
Shield raised high and sword in the ready, he seemed the victor already.

Nigh an hour the fiercely fought, of the other’s demise they only thought.
With waning strength, tired and bleeding, now the hero seemed to be succeeding!
Yet the betraying king lose would not, with a raised had a spell he shot,
“Weak cur ‘tis you I spurn! Now feel, hell flame’s burn!”

Crimson flames sprouting on his body, his spirit already beginning to disembody,
The hero shouted falling on his knees, as he allowed his body his spirit to release;
“Soldiers do not despair, but rather for victory you must prepare!
My sacrifice shall set you free tonight, fight and bring victory to this holy knight!”

With that his body shattered, his spirit over the entire host was scattered,
Renewed strength and power they gained, what had happened they could not explain.
Yet upon that terrible sight, they heartened and at once fiercely renewed their fight.

The king what happened knew not, how had his victory been robbed at the spot?
From where did the peasants such vigour claimed, such power by him could not be named.
His dark powers now were of no avail, his kingdom for long would not prevail.
As a growing vast tide on him they fell, try as he might, he could only yell.

On that day his evil reign was overthrown, and to the people now belongs his throne.
The monarch died yet was not utterly defeated, his power all but depleted.
His evil spirit lingers still, using his power to bring on us ill.

It bears memories of old, it bears doom to all.
A red sun rises today again, A red sun that despairs all men,
Memories of carnage and gore, memories forgotten nevermore.

Ravaging all who stand oppose, vicious fiends, enmities of old,
Demons who summon all woes, spirits of horrors untold.
Yet a hero must arise, a with him hope make anew
The hero who in us resides, the hero who is always true.

Him who defies carnage and gore, and is spoken of in ancient lore,
Him who death can not keep, and who comforts all those who weep.
He is the one who rallies you to his side, the one who in you wants to abide.
Make your stand, forget the past, your true hero and saviour has arrived at last.

So cast away all doubt, and in joy begin to shout,
For the drums of war fall silent, and with it all who are violent.
So make a stand, and make no move, for your life is about to improve.

 

[DerpDaBerp]

omg I love you
I have to go to work right now but I'll be reading this later

 

[DerpDaBerp]

It's good that the length kind of allows you to not be entirely concerned with perfect rhymes all the way down. I mean the majority of them were pretty spot on, but seeing an imperfect rhyme didn't take away anything from the reading.
You also seemed to be able to fit more rhymes in with the help of rearranging the words in the sentence which has the advantage of also making the whole tone kind of ancient and legend-like as I'm sure it was meant.
The first and probably only noticeable bump was when the two begin to argue with each other about the other's campaign coming to an end. It's actually kind of funny that each character tells the other to cease their talking lol, I agree Maybe a block for each of them and it would be smoother.

I had fun.

 

[Elessar]

Well, I did my best to make all the rhymes work, and I think that they do mostly, only that the rhyming part of the verses begin to jump around at random as you advance in the reading. Also, it definitively was meant to sound like that, so everything just came together.

And it was freaking hard to keep on the rhyming going, so yeah, bump is evil indeed. But I wanted them to have this epic verbal fight though, since it's int he spirit of old writings as well, like when you read Sir Gawain and the Green knight or Chaucer.

Anyways, thx a lot for reading it and commenting!

 

[Master Slice]

This is a recording of me narrating the poem, it's on Facebook so you might have to be logged in. Let me know what you think....

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=276640432379912

Please and Thank You!!!