Unfunny Garbage
THE DAILY BUGLE
DISNEY BUYS OUT NINTENDO
PUTS MARVEL CHARACTERS IN SMASH 4
J. JONAH JAMESON PLAYABLE
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M IN THIS STUPID GAME?!? It’s only meant to be played by stupid kids! I said I wanted to be in UMvC3, da
mmit! There’s nobody to antagonize Spidey in that game!
. . .Wait, what? Did you say Spiderman is in –THIS- game?
So he is. . .Well, I’ll be d
amned! Fine, I’ll take the job. Brant, get your overpaid behind in here! We’re going to do some journalism. . .
AHA! THERE’s Spiderman! What? What do you mean it’s Halloween?!? Godd
ammit it all, this is gonna be harder than I first thought if we’re gonna catch him tonight. . .No, no I’m not gonna put on a d
amn costume, Brant. There are already enough freaks roaming the street every day of the year around here! . . .Then again, if I put on a costume, maybe I could blend in and Spiderman couldn’t figure me out so easily. . .
There, perfect! . . .What?!? It’s as good a costume as any of those losers who just grabbed a mask and said they were mobsters from some obscure cartoon! Just go get the equipment, pronto! I’m not gonna be doing this “Brawl” sh
it all by myself! What do you think I pay you for?!?
STATS
Size: 6.5
Aerial Control: 5
Aerial Speed: 5
Weight: 5
Ground Movement: 5
Falling Speed: 5
Jumps: 4
Traction: 3
Average stats for a human? How is that a bad thing? You want me to have some freaky Spider like stats? I’m not a mutant, Brant, for god’s sake! Don’t you dare compare me to him again if you value your job!
Got that equipment and fetched the other employees? D
amn, must be at least 10 of you back there. Good, good! Not sure we needed all this crap, but lord knows they’d just jerk off the moment I left them in the building by yourselves. Just make sure they all stay in the background so the boys can get a clear shot of –me- being the one to unmask Spiderman, huh?
SPECIALS
SIDE SPECIAL – PICTURES! PICTURES OF SPIDERMAN!
Holy crap! There’s Spiderman! Quick, you idiots, gimme your camera, I want pictures! Pictures of that web slinging mutant vigilante! Ha ha, the flash from the camera stunned him for a bit (5%)!
Wha. . .Are you just –TRYING- to make my job easy now, Spiderman? You can’t punch to save your life! Stick to the mutant powers! Heh heh, that’s right, now I’ll take a picture of you assaulting me and this innocent civilian!
Good thing the great J. Jonah Jameson can hold his ground when he takes a picture, your weak punches won’t phase my superarmor, Spiderman!
Now, just to get over to the copier machine the boys brought with us to the Brawl. . .I’ll just take out the camera and send the picture to the press, and let the boys do the rest! Instant propaganda! With –my- propaganda, a cop’ll show up in 10 seconds flat to apprehend this masked menace for attacking me, a good, upstanding citizen of New York city!
Yeah, look at what that cop’s doing to him! Handcuffing him from a range before he even fights to keep him from running, then beating up on him in a close range fight, knocking him clean across the stage! These cops are why I’m proud to be an American. . .
. . .That was just a loser in a costume, Brant? Well how can I tell? It’s not implausible Spiderman gained a little weight!
NEUTRAL SPECIAL – PAPERWORK
YOU! THAT LOSER IN THE BACKGROUND! DO YOU EVEN WORK HERE?!? You’ve worked here for 10 years you say? I haven’t seen you in my life! YOU’RE FIRED!
. . .Actually I’m in a Brawl right now, so, you’re rehired if you bring me over that gigantic stack of paperwork over there. Now just set it down on the ground nice and e-
ON WHAT PLANET DO YOU CALL THAT NICE AND EASY? YOU JUST FLUNG THE PAPERS IN MY FACE! You think this could hurt those stupid people in the Halloween costumes? It doesn’t damage em at all! Well, it makes them flinch I guess, but that’s besides the point! Your 15 minutes of fame are over, get back in the background!
DOWN SPECIAL – COFFEE BREAK
Miss Brant, most secretaries don’t have to be –TOLD- to get me my coffee every day. Do I have to tell you to breathe too? Anyway, now that I’ve told you, go over to the coffee machine and get me my coffee. How are you supposed to give the coffee to me if you’re in the background?!? Get your lazy a
ss into the fray! FINALLY. Ah, good coffee. . . I feel 10% fresher! Good stuff, why don’t you go get me some more, Brant?
Oh good lord, Brant, you walked RIGHT INTO that idiot with the cheap bed-sheet ghost costume! Really, -who- does that anymore? Haven’t seen that since the Confed-GAAAAHHH WHY DID YOU SPILL YOUR COFFEE ON ME GOD SO HOT GAAAAAHHH I SHOULD TOTALLY SUE YOU (10%)
. . .
Well, anything that previous coffee did for my spirits is now TOTALLY gone. Brant, why don’t you try doing that to, y’know, SPIDER MAN next time?
. . .
Seeing she blatantly won’t, I’ll just take it as a chance to get more propaganda on Spider Man when he tries to spill hot coffee on me, heh heh. . .Yeah, and I’ll do the exact same thing when that loser comes up to me with my paperwork. No way that wuss would hold on to it if he was attacked. . .
UP SPECIAL – CORPORATE LADDER
Crap! Some fat kid dressed as a penguin shoved his a
ss into me and I was knocked off the stage! You there, employees! Make a single file line next to the edge I’m closest to, then make a chain to reach down off the ledge to try and grab me! I don’t care if the fat kid can attack you to break the chain, you’re expendable! More people’ll come in to the background if you die! I can afford it, since Romney and Cain won’t force me to pay for your healthcare benefits!
. . .I’m on the ground! I don’t need you to make a big stupid chain to reach me! This some sort of d
amn conga line? I know it’s Halloween and there are ret
arded ghosts goin’ around doing this sort of thing, but keep it out of the Bugle!
If you wanna form a conga line so bad, why don’t one of you just go up and make a conga line with anybody wearing a Spiderman costume and push his sorry a
ss outta my city (5%, platform set knockback)!
STANDARDS
NEUTRAL ATTACK – BIGGEST FAN
Wait, you mean this isn’t somebody who reads the bugle? Dear god, that’s the worst pun I’ve heard since whenever Spiderman last opened his mouth! Anyway, Brant, why don’t you turn on the fan over there at center-stage? I could use a nice breeze. . .Heh, look, that yellow rat’s so scrawny the fan’s pushing him across the stage! Enough of that, Brant, I told you to bring it to –ME-. I really shouldn’t have to give you more input to bring the fan over to where I am to cool me off. Again, basic stuff here. If you don’t know such basic stuff, you must be one of those illegals! Alright, alright, that’s enough. I’m inputting you to turn it off now.
Hey, that paperwork seems to be gettin blowed around by the fan. . .Guess I could maybe blow them at Spider Man, but what good’s that gonna do? Death by paper cuts? No, that’s stupid. . . Maybe if I push Spiderman into attacking somebody so I can take a picture of it? Yes, that’s brilliant! Jameson you clever devil. . .
DASHING ATTACK – LUNGE
An inspector, eh? If you were a real inspector you’d have found out who Spiderman is! It’s not my d
amn job! All I do is tell the people who are too stupid to think for themselves what to think – it’s hard work, I tell ya! Why, I oughta show ya some respect for my line of work, “inspector”, show you what a REAL lunge looks like! RAAAAHHHH-OH GOD MY KIDNEY YOWCH. Guess I had that coming when I threw my body at you like that, but wow. If you’re so savage, you wouldn’t mind doing that again so I could take a picture, eh?
DOWN TILT – FLIPPIN’ TABLES
GOD D
AMN IT! GOD D
AMN IT ALL! WHAT’S THAT?!? MY BLOOD PRESSURE?!? THE HELL WITH MY BLOOD PRESSURE! RAAAAGHG! I’M SO MAD I FEEL LIKE FLIPPING ONE OF THOSE USELESS TABLES YOU BROUGHT AND PUT IN THE BACKGROUND! THEY PRACTICALLY COVER THE WHOLE STAGE! GRAH!
Ha ha, it hit some idiot in a gorilla suit, and knocked him pretty far away, too (14%)! Heh heh, why don’t I do it to his friend too! . . .What do you mean you don’t have a table for me to flip?!? Put the table back up! No wait, put it back down, I need it to shield me from the peanuts they’re throwing at me!
FORWARD TILT – FIST SLAM
Gah! Why are people growing so attached to this vigilante when he won’t show his face! Iron Man revealed who he was and everything went just fine and dandy for him, so what’s Spiderman got to hide, huh? It just burns me up. . .Brant, quick, give me something to slam my fist on for dramatic effect! You don’t have anything? Bah! Punching that fatso Spiderman again will have to do (7%)! Nevermind, there’s that table over there I flipped. D
AMN YOU SPIDERMAN (11%)!
UP TILT – THE DAILY BUGLE
Alright boys, bring in the Bugle, we’re gonna drop it straight on ‘em! Better than having it be in a city alongside such a ruthless killer as that so-called “vigilante”. . .
GAAAAH! JUST WHAT IS THAT HORRIBLE CREATURE?!? MOVE US BACK, MOVE US BACK!
Seeing we can’t afford to move the entire building on a regular basis due to some budget cuts, guess the actual paper’ll have to do. You people in the background, toss me a fresh copy of the Bugle, would ya? Good, now I’ll smack that monstrosity with this and send him up into the air (8%)! Let’s see if your Spiderman’ll help ya now! Have a taste of the bugle and educate yourself! Lemme just unravel this paper here and swing it up to wrap ya up in it – now wherever ya look, you’ll see nothing but my propaganda! You’re on the right track to becoming a contributing member of society. . .
Heh, seems the guy doesn’t know how to read, Brant. Look at him just flailing away with his attacks as the paper cancels them out! . . .Welp now he’s so mad that he knocked it off himself. Paper’s light, who’d of thought? Brant, distract him by appealing to his primal instincts while I get outta here.
Addendum: This actually happened in the stupid show and is mocking 60s racism.
SMASHES
FORWARD SMASH – LIKE A BOSS
THAT’S IT! SPIDERMAN, YOU CAN TAKE MY TOWN, THE MINDS OF THE PEOPLE, AND ALL MY MONEY, BUT WHEN YOU TAKE AWAY MY HATRED OF YOU I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE!
I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DO TO ME! I’M NOT EVEN GONNA SO MUCH AS –FLINCH-! IF YOU LAY SO MUCH AS ONE FINGER ON ME I SWEAR I’LL SMACK THAT SMUG SMILE UNDER THAT MASK RIGHT OFF YOUR FACE!
Bloodpressure? Schmudsmessure! Keep your hands off me or else I’ll. . .I’ll. . .
Well, do that! Can somebody get an ambulance for Brant? No, officer, no I did not smack her upside the head and across the room (Damage of enemy move +15-25%, you don’t have to be hit for the punch to come out). That was that guy behind the desk over there. . .Parker, was that you the whole time? God
damn it all, Halloween is BANNED from the bugle!
Now, when I see the real Spiderman I should try and get all enraged like that again. He’ll think I’m just gonna take a picture of him like always, but boy, he’ll have another thing coming!
UP SMASH – CIGAR
It’s good being the only one in New York with any common sense – think I’ll celebrate with a nice cigar. Crap, there’s some skanky wh
ore! I’ll just blow out a cloud of smoke to obscure her so she can’t see what’s what. . .Hey, this is workin’ better than I thought. I oughta try this when there’s some employees in here – I’ll get a photo of her being a wh
ore and getting it on with some of em. Pictorial evidence! Also could be useful against Spiderman, but whatever. In any case, good thing the camera flash is nice and bright to make things clear. . .Last one I got was false advertising. I got ripped off twenty five cents from that guy!
Alright, the sl
ut in the skin tight suit’s mad. I guess I’ll just cancel outta this smoking crap to hold the cigar in my hand normally, and now I’ll throw it at her (3%)! Eh, that just pissed her off more. Wait, I know! You there, bring me some more paperwork! I’ll throw my cigar at it and set it on fire! Heh heh, now that b
itch is burning up (3% per second per each of the 10 pieces of paper). Not gonna let her get away. . .Let’s light the tables on fire (5% per second)! They can be replaced, just like you useless employees! . . .Whaddaya mean we can’t afford more tables? Tables are worth more than a man these days? Well, I knew a lot of people needed work these days cause of the economy and all, but D
AMN.
DOWN SMASH – TELEPHONE FOR MR. JAMESON
The telephone closest to Spiderman’s ringin’! D
amn straight it’s for me, Brant! Who would want to talk to any of you losers. . . Let’s see if I can make it in time. . .Ha! Spiderman was shocked by the telephone ringing cause he was right next to it and fell on his a
ss (5%)! Alright, I’m at the phone. It’s Kingpin and I’m jabberin’ away, nothing important. He hasn’t discovered jack about Spiderman. Whoop de doo. Seeing I’m in the middle of fight and all, I’ll walk and talk. Good thing I got telephones with nice long cords – those wireless ones take up too much electricity to charge. Oh, ‘scuse me, Kingpin, there’s some idiot dressed as a plumber coming up behind me. I’ll just use this move again and swing the telephone wire around to grab the sucker! Serves him right! You should be here to see it Kingpin, he’s just struggling around in the wire, trying to attack me, but he can’t move one inch!
. . .Kingpin? You there? Kingpin? That was barely 10 seconds! Well, since he hung up, guess I’ll release the phone here. . .That plumber was in the way of the phone, so he got dragged all the way over there where it originally was, and there was nothing he could do about it! Get to the toilet Brant clogged when she had her period already, would ya?
GRAB-GAME
PUMMEL – CRUMPLE/POSE
Why’d you drop all those stupid pieces of paper, huh? Let me grab it and see what was on it. . .Eh, just threats from unions. The hell with the unions! Lemme just crumple up this useless paper so nobody else finds it. . .On second thought, I’m bored, so I’ll crumple it into an airplane. I don’t need any fancy webslinging freak powers to fly, see? I can throw my plane in any direction and it’ll sail off (7%). Nothing’ll stop it – not fire (15%, makes a fiery trail behind it for 1% and flinching for 3 seconds), spiders, hell, it can go superspeed if it has wind backing it! I can do all sorts of fancy tricks with em too. If I throw it backwards, it’ll do a loop de loop before goin’ forwards again, heh heh!
. . .What’re YOU looking at? You think this is funny? Why, I oughta make some propaganda outta you! Don’t struggle, da
mmit! All I’m doing is setting you up to look like you’re gonna hit me, so when you get outta the grab I can take a nice picture of ya! Guh, struggling a lot are ya? I only need you to stand still for –one- second. Just one. You so hyperactive you won’t let me do it for one second? Yeesh.
FORWARD THROW – CAFFIENE RUSH
Brant, get over here! I want some more coffee! Not for me, for my friend here! Nah, forget the cup, just bring over the whole coffee machine and pour it down (12%)! What’s the matter? Can’t keep down some coffee? You should keep well away from the town pub then, pal.
Heh, the youngster here is just vibrating from the pure caffeine, moving back a good platform or so, and now he’s vibratin’ up and down. He’s trying to do crazy aerial attacks, but he just keeps hitting the ground, and he gets sucked up into the air before he can do almost any attack on the ground! Sucker. He can’t do shi-CRAP HE JUMPED INTO THE AIR AND IS GOING TO PLOP HIS FAT A
SS ON ME! YOU THERE! WANT A PROMOTION? GET OVER HERE FAST!
That wasn’t so bad, I didn’t feel a thing! And that caffeine rush only lasted what, 5 seconds? Either way. . .Seems they can still attack if they jump up into the air, though when they come down their attack’ll be really predictable. I’ll have my camera ready next time, just you wait, Spiderman!
BACK THROW – POWER OF THE PRESS
Alright, boys. Roll up the presses, we’re gonna put Spider Man THROUGH the propaganda machine known as the Daily Bugle. No, not by taking pictures of him – I mean literally. Yowch! That looks painful (15%). . .Make it print twice as fast!
Heh heh, now he’s gone through the machine and he’s paper thin – as thin as his legitimacy as a vigilante, that is. Now he’s so light he’d go flying if I laid my hands on him (Jigglypuff’s weight)! If he’s thin as paper, bet the fan could be put to some good use too. Blow him right off the stage with the rest of those violations on my desk! Wha? It only lasts for 7 seconds? Money doesn’t buy what it used to, I tell ya!
UP THROW – GIMME A RAISE
You? A raise? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH-Wait, you’re serious, Parker? I’ve seen some of your crappy photos, and some of them look like you just picked up a cheap Halloween costume and took pictures of yourself! No, you and the others are gonna come over here and give ME a raise (2.5 Ganons). Three cheers for the best boss around! And just cause I’m in a particularly good mood, this pal of mine I brought with me can have one too. But make sure you don’t throw him as high into the air as high as you do for me (1.5 Ganons set knockback, 8%) – that’d make me look bad!
DOWN THROW – HELP WANTED
Eh, I won’t hire you, Spiderman, but I think I’ll hire that wh
ore in the skin tight suit from earlier. You, yeah you! You’re hired. You people in the background! Get her a suit so she matches the rest of you drones! Individuality is forbidden in the Bugle! The last time people started thinking for themselves, they tried to form a union!
Now, your first job is to carry these –VERY- important papers back to the bugle. Hopefully, unlike –somebody else-, you won’t fling them in my face. That’ll keep ya busy. You can’t do anything but walk and jump carrying that mountain of paper! Yeah, you could try and attack me, but then all the paper would just fall in your ugly face. Think twice before disobeying a man’s orders and get back to the kitchen, woman! Yeah, guys, you can just have the office wh
ore here go get me my coffee and my papers from now on – no not Miss Brant, THIS one.
Whaddya mean she won’t bring me my coffee and papers? Well fine, just give her the coffee at least. After I forced her to chugg down so much last time, not like she’ll drink it. If she dashes, she’ll spill it all over herself, and if I hit her the same thing’ll happen, so let’s see her fight while carrying the coffee! And she already can barely carry all that paper – hell, let’s make her carry multiple things at once for a nice juggling act! She’ll just trip and spill it all on herself, dumb woman.
Oh for the love of. . .You’ve got till the fat lady sings to overload her with paperwork! She can’t dodge forever. Fine, if you’re so incompetent, I’ll give her more important things to worry about.
. . .Or rather I would, if she hadn’t gone in front of Brant in the background to quit (Hit up like a SSE door). Who installed that giant flashing red arrow pointing at Brant anyway?!? Ah well, it’s shorted out now. Brant, stop letting employees fill out forms to quit and go pay the power bill for crap’s sake! Note to self: don’t let the newblood talk with Brant. Don’t want them getting any ideas.
AERIALS
NEUTRAL AERIAL – HAYMAKER
Enough with all of these office supplies! I don’t care how much OfficeMax paid me to advertise for them – I’ve done more than enough as is. C’mon, Spiderman, let’s fight man to man! First let’s sneak in a nice little jab here (4%). . .Ha! Fooled ya! That was just a distraction for this giant haymaker punch (13%)!
FORWARD AERIAL – BRIEF SWING
I carry all sorts of important stuff in my briefcase! Far more important than that stupid lawyer who just uses his suitcase as a battering weapon. Lemme show ya! Well. . .There’s nothing in it right now, I used it to carry some of this junk to the stage from the Bugle, ya see? Lemme just close it back up (8%). Wuzzat? You say –nothing- is worse than what that lawyer puts in his briefcase? Well, I’ll have you know I contain all my papers inside this briefcase! Lemme just go grab some of them from that guy who STUPIDLY just dropped them everywhere. . .No, no I do not know why some of them are on fire and some are crumpled into airplanes. Best send them back outta the case before somebody –important- sees it. Hey, it could be worse! Mayor Fleming keeps photos of his previous affairs inside –HIS- briefcase. . .Was one of the best articles we ever did at the Bugle!
BACK AERIAL – TRUST
I’ve come up with a new method of testing how loyal all you no-name employees are – we’re gonna play a little game called trust. I’ll fall over backwards and speed towards the ground (10%), and one of you lot’ll come out to catch me. No, I don’t give a d
amn if I’m off the stage, you’ll come catch me anyway! Did I –SAY- not to do it if I was off the stage? If I don’t tell you not to do things, then do them anyway! . . .You can stop holding me up in mid-air now, sport. Throw me back to the stage (2 platforms, can be angled in any direction)!
Well, that –would- have went well, but unfortunately that employee didn’t get the memo he needed to come back to the stage. So then, let’s try this again. You there! You’re next! I’ll go up into the air and-what’s that stupid yellow rat doing there? No, don’t catch him, catch me! Gack! Forget this stupid trust game, I’m canceling out of it! Stop cuddling the stupid rat and throw him at me, I’ll teach him not to mess with J. Jonah JAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
UP AERIAL – WHY I OUGHTA. . .
D
AMMIT THERE GOES SPIDERMAN SWINGING OVERHEAD LIKE THE LITTLE COWARD HE IS! I’M GONNA SHAKE MY FIST MENACINGLY AT YOU IF YOU DON’T COME DOWN AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN (3 hits of 3%)!
DOWN AERIAL – PUTTING HIS FOOT DOWN
You employees try to make a union, ask for raises, spill scalding hot coffee on me, AND fail to catch me when I’m falling to my death! This is it, I’m putting my foot down (16%)! I’m not taking any more crap from you lot when there’s a bunch of Mexicans outside who’d be willing to do all your work for half the price!
FINAL SMASH
Godd
amn all of these cheap mobsters! Death to people who are honoring characters with two seconds of screen time. . .What a way to go. I’ll give ‘em some more screen time. . .After I reveal to the world that they’re the masked menace terrorizing the city! Cm’here, Wolf Man. Put on this nice Spidey suit here and. . .OH MY GOD IT’S SPIDERMAN! COPS, COME QUICK! Heh heh, that didn’t long. You need –at least- 10 cops to take down a menace as big as him. Personally, if I had it my way we’ve have the entire army come in and-Naaaaah. That’s giving the lazy good for nothing far too much credit!
PLAYSTYLE SUMMARY
While Jameson has some good ways of pressuring the foe at close range to prompt attacks he can use Side Special on, things only truly come together when Jameson’s stage control is brought into the mix, as the foe is left with too many things to dodge to worry about the aftermath of attacking Jameson – they want to attack him when they can, before he just runs off to hide behind more paperwork, tables, and cigar smoke, healing himself with coffee to boot. During this phase, Jameson will want to be constantly summoning his employees in his Neutral and Down Specials to use as walls. No, they don’t directly stop the foe from doing anything, but attacking while overlapping them is massively discouraged, enabling Jameson to use them as such. There’s not much to set-up here, but it can catch the foe off guard if you play campy at first only to start smacking them around suddenly. There are two big moves to transition out of this – use fair to store all the paperwork you’ve been working on to use for later when in close combat, or grab the foe with the telephone cord to prevent them from running.
Once you have one cop, things tend to snowball in your favor as the cop handcuffs the foe to them, forcing them to fight back against the cop to enable to you get easy photos to summon more cops. When you have multiple cops out you’ll want to transition back to being more campy and largely letting them do the work for you – you’ve done your part already. That said, the easier it is to camp the more shocked the foe will be when you suddenly come in and smack them with a fsmash.
If you manage to get in a grab, employing them with dthrow is generally the way to go at low percentages. It gives the foe a constant area they have to work to go towards, and you can just sit back and defend that position. Not only do you have your papers at your disposal now, but employees are constant hitboxes in the background the foe has to avoid regardless of their location, assuming they’re on stage, assuming you properly spam Neutral and Down Special. Once they get to you, they’ll have no choice but to engage in close combat to force you to move.
The dthrow is the reason the foe will be rather hesitant to use their shield, considering that just invites a grab from you. Even when they’re already employed, all of your other throws are quite threatening. Fthrow and uthrow may not seem as good as bthrow, but they prompt aerial combat from the foe where they can’t shield even if they wanted to, and your nair/dair do a good enough job of dealing with the foe’s dodges.
You may be left wondering just what the hell JJJ’s weakness is when he’s so good at applying pressure in so many different ways, to which case I would tell you that if he takes many hits without superarmor that he’ll be facing a very early grave due to his only average weight and terrible, terrible recovery. Even with all the healing JJJ can potentially get, it won’t matter when he only needs to be thrown a slight distance off-stage, then the foe is left to gimp mindless employee drones rather than JJJ himself.