D
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Thanks Alphine for these wonderful words.Can I be real for a second? I understand how you're feeling(because I used to feel and act that exact way during my worst phases on this site) but it does feel a tad disingenuous how you keep playing the "woe is me" bit while simultaneously being glued to this site like its the only thing you have.
Like, I get it - I have adhd and autism too, I can't read social cues for ****. But - there is still a point where its gotta be you taking a concrete effort to improve yourself first instead of wallowing in your own pity. I didn't really have any actual friends until last year(I thought i did in 2022 but as it turns out "People I met staffing a furry discord server" on average tend to be assholes and political backstabbers more often then not, go figure) and a toxic relationship that I was emotionally attached to nonetheless - what finally got me out of that negative spiral of self loathing and mental breakdowns was meeting key friends who spiraled out into a friendgroup, got me into hobbies I hold dear now(I met a person who happened to be born in the same city I was nearly a month apart exactly, plays the same games I do, and happens to be a furry too, just by pure coincidence, and they got me into competitive splatoon and learning Japanese at the same time)
I'm also at the point where I'm making okay irl friends too, just cause I take the initiative and go out there to meet up with people irl by any means necessary - I roomed with a friend for a night just to make it to Nashville by 8am last Saturday because that was the only way I was gonna get to be in the pride parade(I hate American infrastructure because its so much goddamn gas money just to see my friend 45 minutes away in the next town over, smh, that's a different problem though)
Basically what I'm trying to say is - it really feels like you aren't taking any steps to improve yourself(especially not compared how you were acting a few years ago), just coping with your issues by venting it out on a public forum for a fighting game. And I mean like, there's nothing inherently wrong with that. But, at least imo, you gotta take that step of self improvement, instead of wallowing in your issues hoping they'll magically solve themselves. Do you know why I haven't been active here as much for years? Because I have more important things to do on the daily then care about what say, Noipoi thinks about me, or you, or Dutch, or Wade(who I haven't talked to in ages) I love ya'll here, but its just simply how it is, and I think that self reflection of "Do I really need to care about what they think of me?" would do wonders for you, mentally.
Not sure what else to say, because you are practically on point. I do need to stop delving so much into my issues and just focus on self-improvement. Hopefully I get into that media realization career I wanna get into because I really enjoyed my experience on media production. Basically something to be proactive and get myself busy.
I really appreciate all the time you took to write all of this