I got it like, a week ago and have just been trying it out. It's ****ing trash.
This essay's not going to be nearly as good as it was the first time around.
So Lucas, here's the deal with Raleigh. Like what was said in your thread, I really didn't want to go to Raleigh. I pretty much only decided to go to prevent letting Kaila down (this was before you had extended an offer to her). By the time you did, I had already acquired Ether, Zucco, and NinjaLink in my carpool and didn't want to **** them over. I had pretty much no desire or aspiration to do well in singles there. We had arrived after 2 AM on Friday and I was ****ing exhausted. My loss to TurtL was legit, but I certainly was not playing my best due to lack of energy and desire to win. After that, we returned to our hotel and got sleep for the next day. While there, Zucco told me I'd have to play him and Dave in losers. I already felt like I had no motivation at all (Sky, Kirin, Zucco, etc. can vouch for this), but this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I did not want to fight New Jersey for the THIRD time at a national or OOR tournament in August.
The next morning, I was still feeling extremely drained and unenthusiastic. I went into the venue feeling discouraged and bored with the game, not really wanting to have to deal with playing it and feeling even worse that I'd have to play people from New Jersey at a national or out of region tournament for the THIRD time in August. I weighed my options before I picked ZSS on that kid; Playing while completely unmotivated + hearing that I would have to play my own state vs. spending the whole day freely and hanging out with everyone, being able to make a lasting impression on people from far away by playing them individually rather than them watching...kind of an easy choice to me.
Why did I do so well in teams? The answer is simple. I was way more pumped and wanted to succeed there. Ask Shadow how excited I was once I made arrangements to team with Big Lou, one of my favorite people in the community and somebody I felt I could do well with. We ended up doing very well, taking 7th (could have done better but oh well, it happens).
As for whether I attend to compete or socialize...as of the last few months, it's definitely been to socialize. Here's how my timeline has gone.
My original goal in Smash since the first Brawl tournament I entered was to be ranked top 10 in NJ. The first time I achieved that goal, I felt like it was lucky or because the rest of the state was inactive (especially after I dropped to 11th the season after), but then I held a top 10 spot for 3 more seasons in a row. That confirmed to me that I was capable of achieving my original goal in Smash, and I was satisfied. However, I love the community way too much to quit, and still attend and enter events because I can afford to and it's fun.
The first goal I had was amended just before the season that started with Viridian City. HEERO said he thought I could be top 5 in NJ that season. After I started off with beating Fatal, you, and Cura, that goal seemed pretty realistic. Other people started saying that I could and should end up taking a top 5 spot. I didn't want to let those people down. If you recall, this is when the whole tournament nerves thing became an extremely prevalent issue for me. Long story short, I ended up falling one place short of top 5 that season, and it rubbed salt in the wound to see Nairo there over me, whose skill I was still unsure of (read: I was salty that a 13 year old kid was above me. Obviously my opinions have since changed).
At this point, I decided it wasn't worth it to live up to the expectations of others. All that came out of it was pressure and me not feeling satisfied, so there was no sense in bothering. Since I had accomplished my first goal, though, I felt like it was enough. I lacked motivation for a large portion of that season, especially towards the beginning. I was losing to players I shouldn't normally lose to and not really having a problem with it. I talked a lot about wanting to be the best again and using my newly acquired job to fund Smash trips to out of region tournaments by plane or to the Smashers nearby who still cost $10+ to get to and from like ksizzle and dmbrandon, but it was all empty words I used attempting to remotivate myself.
Not long after, Orion reemerged into the tournament scene due to his Saturday school ending. When I saw him taking out names as big as Atomsk, I realized something. If he can do it, why can't I? The skill gap between us isn't large, if existent at all. I had some newfound inspiration by the time of PSI2 and wanted to be back in action. At PSI, although unfortunately having ADHD round 2, I beat MIB, TUSM, and even knocked out Orion himself, giving him by far his worst finish of that entire season. I felt proud and accomplished. Most people after that would want to keep up the good work and remain consistent, but my laziness convinced me otherwise. I had proven myself capable of beating the person slated for 3rd or 4th on the rankings, that was enough to make me happy, and didn't want to deal with the stress and pressure of remaining consistent. I again dropped all forms of caring for a while.
Fast forward to Gametable, the second-to-last tournament of the season. There, I knew I had to step my **** up. I was in danger of being at the bottom of the barrel on the rankings list, and possibly not even on it at all due to unexpected Yes! ****, as well as a disappointing-but-active Keitaro, plus NAKAT, Delta-cod, Jband (who ended up being inactive), etc. I ended up beating Vinnie, you, and John#s there. I was pleased and knew I had at the very least secured a top 10 spot for the third time in a row, fourth time ever.
Immediately following was family vacation and my mom's wedding. I didn't touch Brawl a single time until I drove the Japanese for Apex after Gametable, and wasn't really looking forward to singles. However, I was looking forward to teaming with Darc, who is another one of my favorites and one of the people I think could and would be absolutely beyond amazing again if he played. After all the driving I'd done between the three major airports in the area on Wednesday and Thursday (1700 miles, 30 hours, and little to no profit due to undercharging), I get a call on Thursday night from an angry and screaming mother telling me I can't go to the tournament on Friday, and instead have to go to work to avoid the risk of losing my job (I work for her boss).
This pretty much killed me. All of this work (seriously, I was more responsible for what Brawl at Apex was than anybody sans Alex and VGbootcamp, and I'm very upset that Alex never credited me for anything in his thread) for essentially nothing. No money, no teams. I nearly cried watching the livestream that day, wishing I could be there commentating or being a captain for crews. What really made up for it, though, was going to the venue after work. I showed up fully equipped with my trademark suit, fashionably late, to a whole bunch of people extremely excited and happy to see me. It really warmed my heart and affirmed how much more I love the community than the game itself, and instantly made any disappointments I had about missing teams go away. I spent Friday enjoying myself and playing friendlies with people, just generally having a good time and not having to worry about the pressure on me to do well at a national right after driving all that time on such little sleep. The same thing happened on Saturday, I only took 2nd seed in my round 1 pool but was just enjoying the relaxation.
When round 2 pools were announced, the fire came back.
Eggz, John#s, Kingtoon, Xionix, and Sweet Pea were in my pool. Although there were two players from NJ/NY, everyone else there was somebody I'd never played in tournament before and from far away (Kingtoon being the exception, but I never go to or play PA anyway). I had the drive to win my pool and make a lasting impression on all these foreign (plus one super foreign) players. I ended up taking second seed again, beating Eggz/Kingtoon/Xionix but losing to John#s and Sweet Pea, all while trying 100% and playing at or near my best. In brackets, when I heard I had to play San and then Kel, I knew I'd receive massive recognition for doing so and my drive continued to stay strong. I tried my hardest against Lain and lost as well, and then became extremely discouraged to see you in losers.
So, you're partially right. I do sandbag too much and it's hurting my growth as a player. However, the ability to stop caring does help in some ways, as it helps me play to learn in friendlies rather than always playing to win. You play to win in friendlies, especially in teams, and it makes you angry when you lose. I don't want to have to get mad over friendlies, so I play nonchalantly but still intelligently and observatory. Was I sandbagging you at MLG? Nah. Was I trying to my fullest? Not really. I enjoy having casual fun, and being Mr. Try Hard kind of ruins that. Friendlies are there to experiment and enjoy yourself, unless under certain circumstances.
Though, there have been instances where I've cared lately. I had a lot of drive to beat Atomsk at DNA after taking game 1. Unfortunately, it hurt my chances at winning because if I want something a lot, I get nervous, and I'd have done better without caring (as much). Sadly, immediately after in losers, I felt like **** going into my set with Zucco. At MLG when I played M2K/Ally in teams, I went in with the idea that we'd get stomped, and we ended up getting really close. Pressure and stress ruin me, and I'd much rather not have added that to my MLG experience after being on the road from 10:30 AM until 2:30 AM, as well as having to lie to my parents about not taking my car there.
Regarding my "ego", I swear to you up and down that I am not genuinely arrogant whatsoever and anything you hear from me is mindless trash talk in order to mask my true negative opinions on my own skill. I know where I stand based on my W's and L's. Ask my MLG carpool...on the way back, I was talking about how somebody referred to me as "one of the top MKs in the country" and I strongly voiced my disagreement.
Take it as no joke now that I'm changing my attitude. After making that "levels of play" blog and talking to a few insightful people about it (in addition to your post), I've realized how much my mindset really hurts me. I personally believe that I have the potential to be one of the most skilled Smash players around here, but my mindset is absolutely terrible and I need to change it if I want to do better. I'm also setting a new goal of top 5 in NJ for MYSELF, not from or for anyone else, so watch out this season. I'm done with empty words. 100% Juice has something big in store for everyone that's going to be ****ing awesome, and it definitely inspires me to reach that goal.
tl;dr: I have an awful defeatist attitude and terrible anxiety problems, so I sandbag and don't try so I can prevent feeling ****ty at tournaments and just socialize/have a good time instead. Like you said, I suck once I'm hit into losers or something dumb happens to me, so I'm going to legitimately work on fixing my mindset issues and become a real tournament threat because right now I'm garbage.
