MYM5 needs moar jokesets...
The somewhat fun Prop Moveset that references E3
and has only one throw!
This moveset contains 20% of your reccommended daily allowance of awesome, and is suitable for vegans.
"Hey! You know what would be a great idea?"
"Let's make a moveset about ourselves! We could load it with obvious references to this years E3 conference!"
"ZOMG yes! We must do this NOW!!1"
And so they did just that...
"So.. erm, will we be a damage racker who can't KO, or a trap laying guy who controls the stage?"
"... I was hoping we could just be a regular character, you know? Balanced and junk?"
"BOOOORIIINGG! But whatever! We'll just jazz it up later with a generic Time Control mechanic"
"erm... since when has time control been boring?"
"Since MYM3? Like, duh? The point is, you just can't have a good moveset without some incomprehensible special mechanic to provide the razzle dazzle!"
"Look. I don't care what the 'cool kids' are doing, I just want a regular character guy... who attacks with props."
"lol hypocrite! props went out of style in MYM2! Any shmuck can write a prop set"
"Fine, I don't care anymore! we'll put in a stupid special mechanic."
"Good. So this moveset will be me with you tagging along behind of course?"
"No, it's just me. You're an alternate costume, like Wario's overalls."
"okay, Wario's cool so I'll let that slide. Hey wait! If it's just you, this moveset will be very slow and have no redeeming qualities"
"... I guess I will be slow, and we're both just kids.. and I do have short reach.. and low jumps. But that's why I'm fighting with props! Those disjointed wonders can make a top tier out of even the gayest swordsman!"
"I'm going to stop you there and cry 'broken'.."
"well, here's the part where it all becomes balanced somehow. I have to earn my prop moves while fighting!"
"That's great! And because you explicitly said that this moveset will be balanced, noone will suspect that we just cobbled it together on the fly!"
"I know! That completely unworkable idea probably earned us three positive comments!"
And then they made some stats up, I guess...
Size: 5/10 Mario is this, I think.
Weight: 2/10 Being lightweight somehow makes it okay that you can combo like a fiend.
Speed: 3/10 Because we're pretending to not be Metaknight
Jumps: 2/10 Low weight and bad jumps = balance
Floatiness: 8/10 directly contradicts the previous stat, but who honestly reads these anyway?
Recovery: ??/10 becuz recoveries are always situational
Glide/Crawl/Wallcling/Walljump/morningpaperRun: No. Why does this part even exist if noone does these things?!
After the stats, they jumped the gun and went straight for the specials
"Neutral B; ANNOUNCEMENT
So, erm this character, who we'll just refer to in the first person from now on, starts to brood on a computer desktop. Don't ask how it got there, because I don't care/know. As you hold the B button down, I'll get deeper and deeper in thought. Once you let go, the computer will recieve a twitter update with some new details of a game I've never heard of, and I'll give out an audible yippee! Also, a holographic image of one of the props used in the boring part of the moveset will appear above my head. It's big enough to see what it is, but it doesn't interact with anything, due to being a hologram
The exact prop that appears is entirely random, but if I repeat this move over and over, I'll never get the same prop twice in the same stock. That's because, once the move ends, that prop will be unlocked in my moveset (meaning I can then perform moves that involve that specific prop). I guess I have to explain that in more mindnumbing detail;
Every A attack in my moveset requires a prop, if you don't have that prop unlocked, I'll perform a much weaker version of that move. I won't tell you what the weaker moves are, because that's just the most retardedly boring thing ever. Suffice to say, they are weak and generic punches and junk.
anyway...
Just like it sounds, Announcement is a neccessary move in my moveset and I can't function without it. Therefore this move takes far too long to possibly use in a competitive situation.
Charging the move does nothing, but a Smash attack I'll explain later looks just like this attack. This apparently constitutes a mindgame, though dashdancing would probably work just as well."
"Down B; TEASER TRAILER
oh.. great start there brother! \sarcasm
Well, whatever! The down-b is so much better than the neutral-b. To begin, I turn into a cloud that might possibly have a face or something on it. Who knows? It's probably just a regular cloud though. When I'm a cloud, I can't be hurt, but attacks and stuff will push me around.
Pointless spot dodge alternative? Check
Punishable end lag? Check (duh! useful moves always have end lag)
Superfluous extra effect? not yet.. wait a sec while I think of something.
Anyway, when I'm done being a cloud I release the B button and I'll jump out of the cloud in the direction I hold the analogue stick while screaming "Duh! I'm Kojima! What else was I going to make?". Now, if I touch an opponent when I jump out, they'll be cursed (wo000oo!). The curse will activate next time they perform a certain special attack, making it backfire on them. The exact move varies depending on the direction I jumped out of the cloud... nifty right?
..
..
HOLY COW! I CAN GIMP UP-B'S WITH THIS!"
"Up B; SEQUEL POLICE
Oh no! I must recover and my jumps are really bad! That's OK, because my Up-B renders the whole process of recovering, useless. When Up-B is pressed I scream "Super Mario Galaxy.... 2!" and clap my hands together. When I clap my hands, and for as long as I hold B, gravity takes on the Mario Galaxy effect. This new gravity makes everything fall towards the nearest land mass, as if it were some crazy planetoid in space. This means that if anyone's off-stage, they'll fall back onstage rather than dieing. This also makes it possible to play on the underside of a stage, run up walls and other stuff that will only make sense if you played Mario Galaxy. Don't worry about me being vulnerable though, I can move and attack as usual (but I can't use specials because I'm holding B... duh!)
...hmm. I guess that's broken. Let's just pretend it isn't. You can only use it for 5 seconds at a time, and you have to wait 15 seconds between uses. There! Totally balanced now."
"Side B; DEMO+FREE GAME
*OmegaFacePalmCannon* how can I top an infinite range, un-gimpable recovery? bleh..
For this special I bundle a demo of myself in with a full copy of a game you already have. I then leave this game on the ground. From then on, play resumes and everything seems normal. What could have changed? Could that game possibly do something when I press Side-B again? Correct!
When Side-B is pressed again, a holographic projection of me appears on top of the game. It can be dispelled by any attack whatsoever, but it will mimic every attack I perform from then on, including more Side-B's (ZOMG paradox!)! The holograph's attacks hurt every bit as much as my own, so don't shy up on the butt whomping. Want an army of yours truly? Then use Side-B!
I guess there's some lag or whatever, but I haven't bothered timing it. It's not like you can use this on scrolling stages or anything "
And then our intrepid heroes got to the regular attacks...
"Neutral A; 4 DAYS
oh I hate these attacks. And you can't put Jab-Jab-Kick because there's aparently something wrong with that..
I take out my calender with a certain set of days circled, and bludgeon the foe with it twice. The first hit does only 3% and blah blah yada. And the second hit does 4% and knocks the foe away a little bit.
This attack is quick, and damaging. But like every other move, it will fail if I don't have the prop unlocked (in this case its the calender I have to unlock)
But then suddenly, creativity! If I perform this attack when the Wii's internal clock is set to the actual date of E3, I perform a third hit afterwards, knocking the foe upwards and dealing an extra 6% damage.
There is also a 1/20 chance of a cabbage spawning at my feet when I land this attack. I should gobble it up like the waifing leper I am, because it heals 6% damage
"Dash Attack; RIDE THE LEGO TRAIN
I'm sure we've all been there before. You're running along and you need to attack. You could just stop still and use a better one, but then again you're a lazy excuse for a human and you want to press A now! That's ok, because all dash attacks are required to be better than every other attack. I don't know why, because noone reads them, they just do.
I stop still, and start throwing lego bricks into a pile. The longer I hold A, the more bricks I'll throw and the stronger the atack will be. Once I release A, I'll hop aboard my newly created Lego Gravy Train and ride it forewards like Wario's Bike (you ever seen a train pull a wheelie?). At the very least, this train will deal 5% damage on its warpath. At the most (3 seconds of throwing bricks) it will deal 30%. I'll also be superarmored, but only up to the amount of damage the train can deal. The train is twice my size in all dimensions, but that's still rather small. I also need the Lego Prop unlocked to perform this attack.
I guess stopping still to use a dash attack defeats the point, but where else were we going to put the mandatory Wario bike clone?"
"Foreward A; BOOTH POLICY LOOPHOLE
Foreward A's are supposed to be quick balanced attacks right? So making it slow and situational will make it better!
From out of nowhere, I take out a stupidly attractive woman who is twice my size (because I'm a ******). But there's a catch. She's fully clothed! I hold her out in front of me for as long as I hold A down. She acts somewhat like a foreward facing shield.
On its own, this attack does nothing, but if the woman is hit my any attack, her clothes begin to fall off (ZOMG!). 4 attacks is all it takes to get her down to the old E3 ways. But after that fourth hit, the woman will exude some sort of love dust into the foe who hit her last. This dust deals 15% damage and ludicrous knockback, though its range is too short to hit people using projectiles.
Getting hit by four attacks is rather unlikely, but most opponents will be too keen to see her flesh to realise this is a competitive fight.
But that's not all the titillation this attack provides! If the foe tries to grab you from the front, they'll grab her instead. For the next 10 seconds, she will cling to the opponent, reducing their movement speed and getting in the way of some of your attacks (50/50 chance). She can also be put under the effects of Super/poison mushrooms if they hit her. I need the woman prop to use my foreward tilt.
oh, and if I'm in my alternate costume... I'll still take out a woman.
"Up A; IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S A PLATFORM
I take out the shiny limited edition tin for Left 4 dead 2 and hold it up above my head. This creates a small platform above my head that others can stand on (it also protects me from d-airs). I can run and jump as normal now, but when I press A again, the tin will open to reveal... Shock! Left 4 Dead 2 is remarkably similar to Left 4 Dead 1! Anyone closeby will be stunned by this fact, which helps cover the moves end lag. They will also take 12% damage for some reason that eludes me right now...
I need the limited edition tin prop to use this attack"
"Downward A; IMAGINE EA
Who uses Down tilts nowadays? Whatever, I'll just put a limit on the number of times you can use this attack per stock (Because limited uses = creativity!)
Anyway, I kneel down and place a Microsoft Surface mat on the ground and begin to sketch out an absolutely mindblowing idea onto it. Of course, by "mindblowing idea" I mean a shallow, girl stereotyping series of games. But wait! It's NOT the imagine series! OMG alert the presses!
Anyone standing on the mat itself when I sketch the idea, will be blown away (literally lol!) by the concept but take no damage... unless they are a girl, in which case they'll take 12% damage and no knockback instead.
I can press Down-A more than once to sketch out multiple ideas in a single Surface session (basically allowing me to attack more than once before ending the move and suffering the long end lag), but if I sketch out more than 5 ideas in a single stock, I will lose all my creativity, rendering me incapable of using props in my attacks until I'm KO'd. Speaking of which, I need the Microsoft Surface prop to perform this attack.
"Foreward Smash; OBVIOUS CAMEO
For this attack I dissapear into a cloud of smoke and then reappear. But surprise! It's not me! It's Kratos, making a completely expected cameo in a beat-em-up! Kratos, who is superarmoured for the attack, performs a generic shoulder barge, despite wielding a massive sword.
The short range, and the delay in transforming makes this genuinely unworkable in a competitive situation. But at least it does hoardes of damage (up to 36%) and knocks the opponent far away.
Also, if someone tries to approach Kratos from behind, they'll walk right into his sword, and fly up as if hit by spikes. If I don't have the Glowey Sword prop, this part of the attack won't work, but the main attack will still work."
"Downward Smash; VITALITY SENSOR
During the charge animation of this smash, I brood at my computer desktop, an action remarkably similar to my Neutral B. Of course, when I release the attack, the computer dissapears and I do something completely unrelated, I slip Nintendo's Vitality Sensor onto my forefinger. It will stay on my finger for 4 times the length of time spent charging the attack.
So, where's the bit that hurts the opponent? Nowhere in this attack I'm afraid.
Anyway, while wearing the sensor, your controller will vibrate in time with my heartbeat (usually 1 per second, though it'll increase if I exert myself or if I take damage). If I land an attack on the opponent when the controller is vibrating, that attack will do double damage AND knockback.
That's an awsome buff, but I need to find the time to use the Down-Smash, and THEN I have to time my attacks correctly.
"Upward Smash; GAMETRAK
I rake around in my pockets and find a remote style controller with motion sensor capabilities. Of course, it could be nothing other than the... GameTrak Freedom Controller! Better get my fill of it now, because Microsoft's making their own innovative motion controller which will crush the poor Game Trak out of existence.
As it sounds, I merely wave the controller above my head, dealing a series of short range strikes dealing a total of up to 37% damage. It's slow, it's hard to hit and it's boring as sin. But that's only because you're playing this game with the WRONG controller.
If you play using the Wiimote, you can flick the remote to give the opponent a little extra push in your chosen direction. You still have to land the attack, but that push will be invaluable for setting up combos and stuff.
Of course, I need to have the Game Trak prop to use this attack."
"Foreward Air; SWAG BAG
The swag bag, something we can all relate to. It's a bag, and it's full of random tat. It's also linked somewhat to my Neutral-B, if for no other reason than for an excuse to remind you what the Neutral special does.
Remember how the Neutral B unlocks the props neccessary for my regular attacks? Well, the more props you unlock, the slower and stronger this attack becomes (because the bag gets laden down with props!). Isn't that an ingenius and obvious twist!
As for the attack itself, I swing the bag rather generically in front of me. With no props, the attack is instantaneous and deals only 2% and flinching. With all my props the attack takes half a second to come out, but deals a meaty 11% and great knockback.
Finding the right number of props for this attack is the key to getting the most out of it (obvious hint is obvious)
"Neutral Air; SWAG BAG 2
This move is pretty important, and its start lag looks a lot like the last move (which equals mindgames I think). I take the swag bag out again, but this time I dump out a single prop. The prop drops straight down and deals 7% damage on contact. It also knocks the foe quite a distance, but without any props, the attack can't happen, so don't worry about it being broken. Any props I dump out of my bag will be lost and have to be unlocked again via my Neutral B.
The prop that is dropped is random, so I might end up dropping a really useful one! But dropping props is the only way to increase the speed of my Foreward-Air"
"Backward Air; ECTO 1
Who doesn't like Ghostbusters? ... don't answer that.
I reach out behind me and snap my fingers. Anyone who touches my fingers at this exact point will enter freefall. But this is a special kind of freefall. It lasts until the foe falls below the stage (or lands), then they regain full control. This means I can't gimp with this, and nothing will happen if we're already below the stage. But the snapping of my fingers wasn't the real attack, I was summoning the Ecto 1. It appears from the opposite end of the stage to where I am, and drives clear across the stage. It's pretty big (it IS a car!) and the knockback is mighty impressive. But the Ecto 1 trundles along rather slowly, and is easily avoided. The only way to hit with it, is to force the foe to the ground with the finger snap, but even then...
All in all, an impressive move that is funny AND useless. Oh, yeah, and don't forget I need the Ecto 1 prop to use this move"
"Downward Air; NEW! DOWN AIR WII
Here comes the mandatory gimping aerial! Yay!
I hold out a miniature cow below me, which somehow spawns Marios. It creates 4 Mario's, one after the other, which fall downward. These Marios look identical to... well.. Mario, but all they can do is move left and right while falling. Each one will, via simple AI, try to fall into the nearest foe. If one manages to do this without getting hit, it will footstool jump off the opponent and vanish. Each Mario can perform a footstool jump, and together, they can easily gimp an unwary opponent. They don't deal damage though, and they will dissapear if hit by any attack or if they land on the ground. This attack, as I just said, is great for gimping, but doesn't deal damage, takes a while to end, and features too many Marios.
There is a 20% chance of this attack spawning Toon Links instead of Marios, though no other aspect of the attack changes. And don't forget I need the Mario prop to use this move"
"Upward Air; BILL BOARD
Oh thank god, we're almost done!
I take out a large roll of paper and hold it up above me. If you just tapped A, nothing will happen. You have to hold it down (that's totally intuitive and not confusing at all!). When holding A, I will start unfurling the paper as I fall, posting a giant promotional poster in midair. The longer you hold A, the further I'll fall, and the taller the poster will be. The poster appears in the foreground, though it doesn't interact with anything so pasting this over a vital part of the stage will surely aggravate the opponent. The poster will be three times as wide as me, and the picture on it will be different every time I use the move, though I can only have one of them on stage at a time.
As much fun covering bits of stage in paper sounds, that's not the real reason for this attack. 10 seconds after posting the poster, it will fall off and plop to the ground.. taking anyone under it down too. The taller the poster, the greater the range of this obvious gimp. This also works well with my Back air, setting the opponent up for the Ecto 1. But be warned.. the poster will also affect me if I'm stupid enough to get caught in it. I need the poster prop for this attack."
"Z-Air; Really bad PR
A Z-air!? Lolwut? A random idea that doesn't fit anywhere else? Why not?
For this, I require a very special prop; a rather indimidating looking armored bloke (or generic armored bloke on a horse, for short.). He's rather large, which makes the fact I throw him forewards all the more mind-bogglingly impossible. Hey, don't laugh! It's not a random prop doing a random thing! ok, I lied, it is.
This generic armored bloke on a horse will hurtle forewards, having no real effect on anything or anyone, until it's just about to reach a ledge. He then stops. Utilising my super crazy pikmin powers, I immediately jump to where he is.. and enter Free-fall, mere fractions of an inch away from the ledge. Totally useless Self Destruct right? Wrong... duh!
The armored bloke will hover right at the ledge, indefinitely, until someone touches him (it's actually really easy to overlook the fact he's even there). He will then audibly complain to that player about how he isn't on the stage. This will hex the player with an absolute festival of crazy negative effects. You name it, the player will now have it.
And no, I will not tell what these effects are, because I don't want to.
..and if you use this and the armored bloke can't find a ledge to "almost" reach, you'll end up Self Destructing, like a Marth Final Smash"
With the regular attacks behind them, and their spirits low, they took a shortcut and said there was only one throw... CREATIVE!
"Hey! I didn't agree to jus one throw! That's lazy!"
"So, you got any ideas for the other 3 throws?"
"On second though, one throw is fine. We'll just say you can do it in any direction, and we'll technically have 4 throws."
"Grab; DEMO STATION
What a greasy looking grab! From out of nowhere I pull out a large demo station for the latest Halo game or whatever and start fervently playing it. This lasts until I press A, and it heals me 2% per second. If I managed to use this grab near to an opponent, they'll get jealous of me and push me away, desperate to play on teh Haloz. They'll be stuck playing the game, while I'm free to do whatever I please. If the opponent mashes A, they will pummel the controls like the clumsy social rejects they are and heal 2% per attack. The opponent can escape from playing on the demo station, just like escaping from any other grab.
This is a wierd grab, but you'd complain if it was ordinary or, god forbid, intuitive."
"Throw; MY TURN
To perform a throw, I have to grab the foe while they are stuck playing on the demo station. I'll then automatically punch the foe away in the direction I tilt the analogue stick. This deals 7% damage and knocks the foe a reasonable distance away, but now I'M stuck playing on the demo station! I'll have to press A to stop playing, so I can't follow up my throws with anything.
Though I only have one throw, the fact I can choose a direction to throw them in makes it all better. Really, it does."
And with the grab finished, they were finally.. oh crap! Final Smash!
"Final Smash; SUPER SPECIAL MECHANIC!
Woo! I got the Smash Ball! Do you even play with these turned on anymore?!
From out of nowhere (as usual), a stampede of people congregate on the stage. They have no effect on anything and are just there for the lulz. I'll appear to perform my Neutral B, but instead of just one prop, I get them all! Yay! Now I can actually use my moveset, rather than playing with whatever attacks I managed to unlock. This'll totally put the fear of god into my foes. But just in case it doesn't, time will be slowed down for them for 6 seconds.
I get to keep all those props until I'm KO'd... yeah, that doesn't undermine the whole point of my special mechanic whatsoever!"
With the moveset truly finished, the two siblings set about retroactively making up a playstyle for it...
"So... erm, we should have put a little more planning into this."
"Looking at it in hindsight, there's a few gimping attacks. Let's say it's a gimp-centric moveset"
"That works. Most of the ground attacks look defensive-ish. And I don't see a lot of moves that actually do any damage"
"That just means it enchews the normal rules of brawl and focuses more deeply on mindgamez!"
"Really?"
"No lol! But that's what we'll tell everyone at least."
"Great! I was worried we'd have to go back and... change the moves or something"
"It'll be a cold day in the Sahara before we go change that moveset!"
"I'm with you there! Thinking of random stuff to tag onto the end of each move was just tortuous"
"So... want to make another moveset?"
"Yeah! Let's make a Penfold moveset!"
The End
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