I hate myself

[•Col•]

Link to original post: [drupal=3149]I hate myself[/drupal]



I've been severely depressed for over the past month. You know when you feel overwhelmed by everything in life? Well that's pretty much how my depression first started... But when I feel depressed I don't feel motivated to do anything... I can't even fall to sleep.... The only thing I can really do is try to distract myself.... Mostly by browsing Smashboards/other websites, watching television, or playing games... That's all I've really done in the past 3-4 weeks... In other words, I have barely been to any of my college classes and I haven't really done any work. And now I'm afraid its too late for me to catch up. I might be in danger of losing scholarships...

I'm a horrible son. I know. I'm just wasting their money...

I'm not very sociable... It's not because I'm anti-social or whatever, it's just that I'm kind of introverted and I'm not one for many words... So I don't have many friends... And any friends I do have... I don't feel like I can talk to them.... I don't like to bother other people with my own problems... Hell, I've barely said anything to my own housemates this year (I don't even know what the one looks like)... I try to avoid people sometimes... Because I'm a really nervous person... I don't think a lot of people know that about me, either... Because again, I really try not to show it... I get so nervous about so many things, no matter how great or little they are...

But anyway, I do love my family and friends very much though... Although to them it may not seem like it... My brother probably understands me the best out of my family, but even then... That's not saying much... The people that probably know me the best are a couple online friends... But like I said before, I really don't like to bother other people with my problems, so even they don't know how I'm truly feeling a lot of the time...

The only people who really know that I've been feeling down lately are my parents and my brother... They came to visit me a couple weeks ago to try to cheer me up... And I was happy for the weekend... But as soon as they left, I immediately got depressed again...

I don't even know why I'm in college now... I don't even know what I want to do with my life... I guess I could give the answer that many parents give, "To get a good job" a.k.a make better money... But even then... Why do I want a "good job"... I don't need many things to make me happy... In fact,, I don't really need anything as long as I have a couple good friends and loving family members... The only reason I'd need a good job would be to maybe one day support a family of my own... But.... I don't deserve to have my own family, nor am I going to try to make one.

I've truly hated myself for years now... You know how everybody has a lit of traits about a person that they dislike? Well, I fulfill many of the traits on my own list... And I guess you could argue that some of the traits are part of human nature, but just whatever... I hate myself. And to be honest... I think there could be quite a lot of positive things to happen if I were to die... But don't worry, I'm definitely NOT suicidal or anything, I'm just depressed and self-loathing... I know NOTHING good would come of me killing myself, and I don't have any intentions of doing so.

And as for the reason why I'm writing this post... I'm not entirely sure... I'm not doing it for sympathy... I know I said that I don't like to bother other people about when I'm troubled.... But I think for once, I just want to let everyone know how I'm feeling... I just hope none of them/you think I'm crazy... And I hope they don't think of me or treat me much differently.....

And as for "Why Smashboards?", well... I just feel natural posting here I guess, and I feel like a have a lot of friends out there in the Smash community, even though many of you probably have never even heard of me...


But... What I'm going to do now... I'm going to link this to people and within the next few days a large portion of my family/friends will have read at least some of it...

Tomorrow I'm going to call my parents and talk to them about all of this, and then probably talk to my Adviser here on campus the day after tomorrow, to see if I can do anything about my grades, or maybe I should just pull out for the semester...

If you read this whole thing... Then... Thanks, I guess... I don't expect many of you to...

 

[M@v]

called/im'd you.

 

[DarkLouis331]

You sound ALOT like me. Ever since November, I've been feeling slightly depressed too. Maybe for slightly different reasons than you (relationship drama is involved with me), but I feel really distant from my friends (I've lost a few this winter), I'm an introvert as well (I know exactly how misunderstood our type is), and I have no clue why I'm in college right now. I'm stuck in a major I hate right now and I feel like my grades are slipping at the moment. It's like I have no motivation for being there right now.

Maybe it involves seasonal affective disorder? It seems like every single one of my winters have been ****ty ever since I became an adult...but at least the hell known as winter will be over soon.

If you ever wanna talk, send me a message...my AIM is LouisK331 too.

 

[SkylerOcon]

Hey, cheer up man. At least you're trying to get through this. I've seen you post before and you seem like a perfectly nice and cool guy, so don't look down on yourself. Times will get tough, but you have to be confident that you'll get through it. You do have good friends and a loving family, from what I can tell from your post. The people around you really do care about you.

And don't think it's bad that you wrote this. Sometimes it's just good to write your feelings down.

 

[Suntan Luigi]

Get well soon. Just remember, no matter how bad things may get/seem, there will always be somebody worse off then you. For example, a lot of people have recently lost their homes in a 8.8 magnitude earthquake in Chile. I know it might be hard to think this way but I'm only trying to help you feel better.

 

[_umbra_]

A lot of what you're describing sounds exactly like what I've been going through down at psu. Odds are it's for different reasons, but I've felt just like you described in the past for quite a while. Depression sucks. Talking to my family and getting counseling helped me out a lot.

Just try to remember that while you may have fallen behind with schoolwork, it's never good to give up. Get counseling and talk to your professors about what's been going on; it'll help you out a great deal. I made the mistake of keeping everything I was going through to myself, and ended up having to withdraw before the end of my second semester. When my health problems and my depression came back in my third semester, I talked to everyone about my problems and, through everyone's help, I managed to pass. Honestly, sometimes it's really surprising how much professors are willing to help. My parents also helped me so much, just by talking to me and keeping me focused.

Giving up and sitting around are never the solution, and taking that route got me into so much trouble with financial aid and stuff that I'm still trying to get things back to normal. Getting counseling and talking to my family about my problems helped me so much, and I'm on a much better track now.

If you ever need someone to talk to, hit me up on aim (umbra223) or if you want hit up me or mav for my phone number, I don't want to post it on the boards. I hope things get better for you man.

 

[RyuReiatsu]

Got AIM or MSN? I don't feel like replying on a post.
It would be good to have a little discussion... As I went through the same thing. Even tried killing myself once.

Anyway, hit me up.

MSN: Tang.Kenley@hotmail.com
AIM: Adaylikeanother

 

[NintendoMan07]

I don't mean to sound offensive or anything, but... this sounds a LOT like me. TOO much like it. I know I've been a bit silly with the depressing stuff lately, so I guess I deserve a bit of mockery, if this IS one.

But... I'm gonna go with the naive side and assume that this isn't, in which case, I'd really like to talk with you.

I'm going through nearly the exact same thing. Skipping classes, family's the only people that care, playing videogames for distraction, the whole deal.

Seriously though, I'm NintenMan07 on AIM, and of course you can VM/PM me if you need to. I know everyone else is making the same offer...

On a related note: I'm gonna vouch for the taking action option. I know the nature of depression itself makes this insanely difficult, but I actually pushed myself to talk to one of my profs today.

 

[Falconv1.0]

Two things

One, do something about it, I didn't get over myself by dwelling on it.

Secondly, for the love of god don't use a thousand ellipses to let people know you're sad, please.

 

[OfTheEarth]

Bro
honestly i don't know you
but if you write me a message telling em you're interested
I will talk to you
and give you my number
i want to help a fellow gamer out
I hope you don't give up in pursuing happiness

 

[mountain_tiger]

I waste too much time on the internet as well. Like, I get the core work done, but considering I've got major exams in 2 1/2 months (And due to a new ruling retakes are basically worthless), I need to step it up.

I've found that the best days are the ones where you think about things the least. Distracting yourself with music is a great way to stop yourself thinking too much, and thus make you happier. Staying in silence allows your mind to brood much more... I wouldn't consider myself fully depressed, but I am VERY suicidal. As in, I think about it every day, but I don't hate life itself.

Also, I doubt many people start thinking about starting a family at age 19. I wouldn't worry about that so much...

 

[Today]

Ayah!

Spoiler

I've been severely depressed for over the past month. You know when you feel overwhelmed by everything in life? Well that's pretty much how my depression first started... But when I feel depressed I don't feel motivated to do anything... I can't even fall to sleep.... The only thing I can really do is try to distract myself.... Mostly by browsing Smashboards/other websites, watching television, or playing games... That's all I've really done in the past 3-4 weeks... In other words, I have barely been to any of my college classes and I haven't really done any work. And now I'm afraid its too late for me to catch up. I might be in danger of losing scholarships...

D'aw. I'm so sorry about your depression! I really do hope you can get over it!! ): I think what you are doing is focusing on the negative things moreso than the positive things. And you're just giving up because of that. You should most definitely keep at it! Talk to all of your teachers about trying to catch up.. don't think it's too late, it's never too late! You have to try and talk to them as soon as possible! You have to work at it. D:

Spoiler

I'm a horrible son. I know. I'm just wasting their money...

I'm not very sociable... It's not because I'm anti-social or whatever, it's just that I'm kind of introverted and I'm not one for many words... So I don't have many friends... And any friends I do have... I don't feel like I can talk to them.... I don't like to bother other people with my own problems... Hell, I've barely said anything to my own housemates this year (I don't even know what the one looks like)... I try to avoid people sometimes... Because I'm a really nervous person... I don't think a lot of people know that about me, either... Because again, I really try not to show it... I get so nervous about so many things, no matter how great or little they are...

And don't think you are a horrible son. Your parents talk to you because they love you. They don't think you're horrible. Even if you don't have tons of friends, just having a few whom really care about you is important, right? A lot of people don't have true friends and that's really lucky of you! So be happy with the ones you got. And it's not bad to talk to people about your feelings. That's what friends are for. To listen! Even if it is just two friends or even one, that is more than enough!

Spoiler

But anyway, I do love my family and friends very much though... Although to them it may not seem like it... My brother probably understands me the best out of my family, but even then... That's not saying much... The people that probably know me the best are a couple online friends... But like I said before, I really don't like to bother other people with my problems, so even they don't know how I'm truly feeling a lot of the time...

The only people who really know that I've been feeling down lately are my parents and my brother... They came to visit me a couple weeks ago to try to cheer me up... And I was happy for the weekend... But as soon as they left, I immediately got depressed again...

And I'm sure your family loves you! ): Talk to them!! They care about you and they're worried. You are really lucky to have that, so use that as much as possible! Otherwise they'll worry about you even more. It's really okay to talk about how you feel sometimes!
And there will always be fun times. And you have to remember the fun times. You keep thinking now that the fun time is over let's just focus on the negative. When there is no point into doing that because you have SOOO much positive! The love and the careness of your friends and family. That's just great.

Spoiler

I don't even know why I'm in college now... I don't even know what I want to do with my life... I guess I could give the answer that many parents give, "To get a good job" a.k.a make better money... But even then... Why do I want a "good job"... I don't need many things to make me happy... In fact,, I don't really need anything as long as I have a couple good friends and loving family members... The only reason I'd need a good job would be to maybe one day support a family of my own... But.... I don't deserve to have my own family, nor am I going to try to make one.

Yuh, sadly that college does = more money = a better living. But also, you should try and find something you enjoy. If you like to talk to people do something that talks to people or helping them. If you like video games become a video game designer! etc. And you said you don't need many things that make you happy except a couple of good friends and a loving family. but you have that!! So cheer up and be happy like you said! And what do you mean by "deserve" to have your own family? XP Silly goose!! People don't "deserve" families! They want and try for families! If you want a family what is stopping you? You'll find someone whom will love you for you and you doing the same. It only takes one person out of so many we have. So stay positive and wait for her!

Spoiler

I've truly hated myself for years now... You know how everybody has a lit of traits about a person that they dislike? Well, I fulfill many of the traits on my own list... And I guess you could argue that some of the traits are part of human nature, but just whatever... I hate myself. And to be honest... I think there could be quite a lot of positive things to happen if I were to die... But don't worry, I'm definitely NOT suicidal or anything, I'm just depressed and self-loathing... I know NOTHING good would come of me killing myself, and I don't have any intentions of doing so.

Again. Focusing on the negative only! When you have soooo much positive. Stop doing that!! And what kind of positive will happen when you die?? Do you know how you family and friends will feel? They'll be devastated and depress. I don't see how that's any happier! Stop focusing on the negative..

Spoiler

And as for the reason why I'm writing this post... I'm not entirely sure... I'm not doing it for sympathy... I know I said that I don't like to bother other people about when I'm troubled.... But I think for once, I just want to let everyone know how I'm feeling... I just hope none of them/you think I'm crazy... And I hope they don't think of me or treat me much differently.....

And as for "Why Smashboards?", well... I just feel natural posting here I guess, and I feel like a have a lot of friends out there in the Smash community, even though many of you probably have never even heard of me...

And hey. Maybe the reason you post here is because you just need to talk to someone. And that's not bad at all. There are people whom are willing to read and comment back because there are people who do care! And that's a lot. I don't know you, but I'm worried about you and I do care and the other people whom are posting feels the same way!

Spoiler

But... What I'm going to do now... I'm going to link this to people and within the next few days a large portion of my family/friends will have read at least some of it...

Tomorrow I'm going to call my parents and talk to them about all of this, and then probably talk to my Adviser here on campus the day after tomorrow, to see if I can do anything about my grades, or maybe I should just pull out for the semester...

Yus! Show people and let them help! Everyone cares about you! ): Just let them care. You have a lot of positive..y ou really do need to focus on that. And I think that's a fantastic idea to talk to your adviser. Talk to your teachers, too and try and catch-up and work at it! Good luck! I really do hope all is well. x-x

 

[PurDi]

Alright, I feel for you. Without trying to be too cliche, I almost got to where you're at. A few years ago I didn't know what I was doing at all. I was bored all the time and it lead to me thinking A LOT. Too much. My friends could see it but they couldn't do anything.

All I did to get out of it was find someone that would listen to me. They didn't even need to try to make me feel better. I just needed to spill everything, tell them my problem and hope they would understand. It worked for me, you should try it! Find one of your friends that cares enough about you that they'd listen and talk to em. If you can't do that then definitely talk with your family, especially your bro. He'll listen for sure.

Also, to keep you away from all of that, try to pick up a hobby that you physically do something in. And no video games and computer don't count. Personally I either run or paint when I'm sad. It helps a ton, especially painting, it lets you spill out how you feel onto paper and then look at it.

Anyway, you're on the right track. I can tell just because you posted this. Keep it up and try to get out of it. I sincerely believe that you can, and want to!

 

[Professor :3]

Me too sometimes when I do dumb ****.

 

[Sleepz]

I Know How You Feel, But I'm Coming from A Different Route My Mom Recently Died
And I Feel Like I Can't Keep On Living

I Feel Like Now I'm Walking Thru Life Missing Both My Legs

*Sigh*

 

[Kmar]

Just talk to people. But don't talk to people that are overly happy or positive, because they won't understand you. Or at least that's how things have been in my experience. They usually say stuff like, "well just be proactive, take charge of life!" ... which is just annoying.

Also, I don't know if this applies to you, but don't be afraid to join a video game club in RL. Due to my mom's influence, I used to think that video games were bad things that didn't help me at all, and that if I wanted to do anything extracurricular, it had to be academic/philanthropic/athletic. However, I recently threw all of this out the window and joined my school's Smash Bros. club. It's been pretty fun, and it's been giving me just what I needed!

And to Sleepz:

My deepest condolences. Remember that your mom will never die as long as she remains in your memory...

 

[XFadingNirvanaX]

I'm happy to hear that you're going to talk to your parents about this. As for homework, you need to push yourself to do it. Most of the time when you're depressed and you force yourself to do something, you'll be happy that you did it.

PM me if you want to talk about anything, but you should try to get all of these things sorted out irl first.

 

[PhoenixoKaZe]

i`m kinda like that too, u can talk to me if u like, even tho we don`t quite know each other haha. Do what u think it`s right

 

[3747373796432]

I think I can relate you. I do have friends and family that really do care about me. Although, call me greedy, I seek people who understand me, not just care about me. So I keep to myself most of the time, holding in all my problems. All I can I say keep on keepin' man, you'll find someone.