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And with that, I'll leave you guys alone for the next *insert random number* hours. Have a splendid day.I rarely feel like behavioral analysis. Love hasn't been the issue for a while now (and believe me, love it was). With 'having it my way', I meant not having to think about you anymore, because that went oh so well and it was a beautiful thing. The only bitterness I could feel about it was the fact that I never had the balls to want to have you as a friend, and that whichever way I wanted to approach it, I knew I'd do it all wrong if I were to try and approach you that way regardless. I'm mad at myself because I haven't been able to act the way I want to ever since 6 months ago: like someone who could take it.
Last time I saw you, November? I don't know, I didn't feel like seeing you anymore. I didn't feel like being so happy whenever I had seen you, without you caring about it one bit. I wanted it to stop, and for the millionth time I took the initiative to just let you go. That went well. I was finally happy again, and I could just do my thing without my thoughts moving towards you every night. I did so many new things, experienced so many new experiences, and just about everything I once wanted to have from you were given to me by others. Just like that. Everything made sense. Jane came into my life and distracted me from you, she showed me that I was in fact, exactly the guy I thought I was.
I know that I ruined more than I made up the last couple of months (if I made anything up in the first place, that is). The only thing I've been wanting all that time is rebuilt my friendship with you, but I never saw an opening for that and it disappointed me that I tried to spot one anyway. Your book contributed to that, and that was the main reason I wanted to bring it back. Every time I wanted to read it, I was subconsciously making the decision whether or not I should just completely let you go, shut you off, or whether I should just have you make the initiative, or whatever, something else I couldn't even think about.
During New Year's Eve, John was extremely frustrated and upset. I tried to cheer him up by sharing a few drinks, and I managed to help him out with a lot of issues. His issues reminded me of too many things. I wasn't even that wasted, by the time I got to your front door I was sober, even. I just wanted to get rid of it, I wanted to end it. I spent the last couple of days being bitter. I didn't want to talk to you, I didn't want to see you. I just wanted to drop the damn book in the mailbox and be done with it. Apparently, that wasn't how it was meant to be. For the first time in 2 years, I started to cry. Everything I wanted was us to stay friends, and the choice not to make contact with you, hoping you would take that initiative instead, was a choice made purely out of frustration. I wanted to see you never really cared all that much, I wanted to you be an example, an example of how to ignore people out of my life.
Yeah, you ask me: why would I continue to bother you with this, all you have done is being honest. You must understand that oftentimes, I had to mentally torture myself just to be able to leave you alone. It's in my nature to want to talk about it, that's how I differ from you. I don't know whether that makes me a crybaby, or simply someone with different needs. For all I know I'm just a wuss, but I wouldn't be ashamed of that even if I were one.
I could write a whole bunch more about it but it wouldn't do anyone any good. I leave the choice whether or not to revive our friendship entirely in your hands. I won't expect anything, and you won't hear me complain if you just don't feel like it anymore.
It's a shame I allowed it all to happen like this. I was wrong, have always been wrong and have always been aware of that. At least I learned. A lot, even. That's the one thing I'll never regret about this, and about which I'll always be thankful to you, as well as for the beautiful times I was able to spend with you. As said: I'm not mad at you, I'm just disappointed. In myself.
Until whenever,
Steve
Brutal Honesty or just being a ****? I can't tell lolNike vs Espy vids were funny because Nike played like garbage. You beat Sonic by not playing like garbage.
First one, then the other.Brutal Honesty or just being a ****? I can't tell lol