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Ben Holt

Ben Holt

Smash Master 30 From The Moon
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  • Ben Holt
    To whomever's deleting my cries for help, I have nowhere else to go. I have no irl friends. I don't even know if anyone here considers me a friend here. I really can't infer that. Every relationship seems parasocial to me. I hate even myself. I hate every neuron that I am trapped with. Therapy hasn't helped for over 20 years. I wish I was a better person. I wish I wasn't damaged. I wish that perhaps there is a soul inside of me to be reborn into a better place where I don't suffer.
    I wish I had friends. I wish I had a loving family. I wish I had someone that wanted to make babies with me. I wish I had a future to look forward to. Every night, sober or intoxicated, I lie in agony. No one loves me. No one feels lost without me. I don't even like myself.
    I pray that there's a better place for me, but even oblivion is better than the hell I live in.
    I love you all, even if you don't see me. My bonds to people Are distant and parasocial. If there is a god, I wish to return for their factory to be repaired or replaced. I wish I could've been a better person.
    View previous comments…
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    Ultimately, I wish to be loved, to be told that I'm irreplaceable, and to feel "at home" somewhere, whether that home be a physical place or an online community.
    xzx
    xzx
    If you want to have someone to text to then feel free to PM me. We can have a conversation, or you can just write to me and I'll listen (and maybe ask qurstions).
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    xzx xzx I'll DM you soon.
    • Like
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    Ben Holt
    I wish to live on the moon.
    I'd still be alone, but at least people would think of me when they see my reflection at night.
    Ben Holt
    I always dreamed of being an important person, so I could express my sadness and be seen as an emotional artist type. Someone loved by the masses.
    But as an Average Joe, my sadness is viewed as a burden. My heart has no home.
    Doc Monocle
    Doc Monocle
    "Average Joe" is an illusory construct inspired by the masses. People tend to idolize those who are idolized by large numbers of people, and that large number idolizes these public icons because of envy. In general, a person and their 'fans' have no true bond between each other, and the 'fans' do not really value the celebrity, for the most part. They are only fixated on the wealth and status of the celebrity as an 'important member of society.' However, if this celebrity insults their fans, or loses everything that makes them a celebrity, then they will lose almost every friend they have, so do not envy them. Most celebrities have a false wealth.

    What is more, you ARE an important person, despite how others would have you feel. Every one of us is on this earth for a reason, and everyone of us is of value... yes, even a unique value...
    Ben Holt
    People feel uncomfortable around me; I feel uncomfortable around people.
    The feeling is mutual.
    Ridley64
    Ridley64
    School would be better if it had a camera I could keep off.
    Doc Monocle
    Doc Monocle
    I am always uncomfortable around people, even around people I know well. My advice to you: Be friendly, have only good intentions, respect others' wishes, and do expect some to judge you. As long as you are well-meaning, that is all that counts.
    Ben Holt
    I'm sad because I'm two inches fatter than before Covid.
    Yes, little **** like that upsets me.
    Doc Monocle
    Doc Monocle
    Secret (though not for long): I am upset by small things sometimes too. I am bothered by the double-digit prime number that is my current age. When I eat crackers, depending on the size, I obsess over the number I eat-- I hate seeing 9, 13, 19, 23... of them. However, it calms me down when I count my blessings as I engage in deep thought.
    Ben Holt
    Sometimes I feel like I don't have any true friends, only placeholders. I'll cling to anyone that makes me feel less lonely.
    Ridley64
    Ridley64
    Sometimes I feel like that. It never turns out to be true, though.
    Ben Holt
    I have no outlet for my pain.
    I wish people understood me.
    I miss you, Toji. Why did you choose to hurt me? You knew my pain. My heart was in your hand, but you chose to squeeze it until it burst. You knew I was different. You were one of my only friends. Why didn't you love me?

    You knew that I don't have many friends.
    You knew that I struggled with communication.
    You knew that I held my friends close to my heart.
    I tried to find my place, a sense of belonging.
    I tried to mold myself to your needs.
    You made me doubt myself.

    You made me question my own morals.
    You made me think that I was evil and had fooled even myself.
    You made me feel that love wasn't enough to keep my friends.
    You reinforced all my fears of being an alien, alone among "real" people.
    You made me feel undeserving.

    I could never say this to your face, so I have to hide here on Twitter SmashBoards, where you'll likely never see it.
    You hurt me, Toji.
    I feel like less of a person without you.
    All I ever wanted was what everyone else took for granted: love, acceptance, belonging.
    But I couldn't have that.
    Ben Holt
    It was inevitable that some of us would be born damaged, but why did I have to be one?
    Unlike an object, I cannot be returned to the factory and repaired.
    I am stuck in this brain until death sets me free.
    But I do not wish for death; I wish for happiness.
    Ben Holt
    Love is the greatest double edged sword.
    When reciprocated, it creates a high that no drug could replicate, but when it is unrequited, it is a torturous pain that no physical pain could ever match; it cannot be healed with medicine.
    Ben Holt
    Acknowledging that a woman is attractive is not inherently sexist, but saying that Trump's Press Secretary was better than Biden's because she's more physically attractive IS sexist.
    Unless you're a stripper, physical attractiveness is not a job requirement.
    Ben Holt
    Random chunk of wisdom:
    Ever wonder if a fart you hear on TV is real or fake?
    Listen for a hiss.
    If you hear an airy hiss, it's probably real. If you only hear a tone, it's probably fake.
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    Example of a real TV fart:
    Ben Holt
    I need a personal beautician.
    View previous comments…
    Doc Monocle
    Doc Monocle
    Sorry. My communicative shortcoming often lies in separating humor from serious intent, as well as joking in a way others understand. I have much difficulty getting around on the internet, and many things look like pitfalls to me, so I am cautious and point things out too.
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    Are you also Autistic?
    Trouble with taking jokes and sarcasm seriously is actually a symptom of Autism.
    Doc Monocle
    Doc Monocle
    I know that is a symptom, but I do not think I am autistic. I am just a quirky individual with little social experience. Much of what I say is fueled by intuition.
    Ben Holt
    One thing I hate about Liberalism is that once you agree that social hierarchy can be justified, you immediately allow groups to believe that they belong on top of that social hierarchy.
    We call those groups Fascists.
    Ben Holt
    I wish people loved and accepted me.
    I try my best to be a good person with strong moral character. But I always seem to hurt people.
    Ben Holt
    It makes me sad to know that one of my favorite musicians is a rapist and an abuser.
    Your music MEANT something to me.
    **** you, Marilyn Manson!
    Ben Holt
    I know a thing or two about her.
    I know she'll only make you cry.
    She'll let you walk the street beside her.
    But when she wants she'll pass you by.
    Everybody says she's lookin' good.
    And the lady knows it's understood.
    Strutter!
    Ben Holt
    MY PAIN

    I hate being Autistic.
    I hate that half the Autism Awareness Organizations want us to be prevented from being born rather than teaching normal people to accept us.
    I hate being rejected from every social group I try to fit into.
    I hate that people see themselves as my babysitter rather than my friend.
    I hate being a burden on my family, friends, and government.
    I hate having a genius level IQ but never being taken seriously.
    I hate being prone to anxiety and depression.
    I hate having to struggle for the things most people take for granted: love, acceptance, a sense of social belonging.
    I hate feeling like I am an alien among humans, or that I'm the only real human among aliens.
    I hate that I hurt people unintentionally, and because I know that I hurt them, I feel their pain recoiling onto myself.
    I hate being seen as a project rather than a person.
    I hate that my brother has to warn new people that meet me that I'm odd.
    I hate living by my morals of honesty, kindness, and altruism, but knowing that my motives will always be questioned.
    I hate knowing that my romantic options are limited, which is compounded by my hypersexuality and inability to be satisfied with vanilla sex.
    I hate knowing that I'm 10 times more likely to commit suicide than a normal person, which is compounded by being non-heterosexual and having an unsupportive family, which raises the multiplier to 450.
    I hate knowing that my death will be rationalized by, "He's not suffering anymore."
    And most of all, I hate being trapped in the only life I will ever live. No resets. No rerolling the dice. No afterlife. No cure.
    ​
    • Like
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    Ridley64
    Ridley64
    You're living through that and still sane. There are many people who wouldn't say the same if they were in your position. That's a start. Also, those people wronged you. They did a wrong thing. You are not worse then them. Some of those people, well, the politest way to describe them is inappropriate for a R rated movie.
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    Ridley64 Ridley64
    Remember Haku from Naruto?
    He was so universally rejected that he clinged onto anyone that would acknowledge him. He ended up with Zabuza.
    That is much like me. I cling easily to anyone that gives me the time of day, no matter how toxic.
    Ben Holt
    Question for the girls:
    Is it possible/common for a guy to express romantic feelings and for you to not believe him?
    View previous comments…
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    "Perhaps even you heard me say, "I love you," but didn't think I was sincere, but please know that I really did love you. I really, really loved you. And losing you, especially having just expressed the most important feelings a person could feel, broke my heart. I wish I knew what had gone wrong, so that I could have avoided it, or if it couldn't have been avoided, then fixed it."
    S
    StoicPhantom
    I'm not a girl, but expression is more than just words. A lot of what you might constitute sincerity comes from other things like one's own actions or more subtle nuances. If a girl thinks that a guy's love is self-centered and needy then they might reject them. Because you might say that sincere love isn't based in one's personal desires, but in cultivating the object of their love's own desires and happiness.

    If a guy is going into this with a desire for the girl to save them from their loneliness or otherwise be dependent on them for their happiness, then it can be taken as being in love with some ideal version of the girl and not the real them. Or rather, the girl doesn't enter the equation at all and the guy is only after something that will fulfill his needs.

    Thus no matter how much the guy professes his love or how self-deprecating he might be, he's already signaled that it is all about him in the first place. And that's because his conception of love was about fulfilling his own desires and the other is ultimately just a vehicle for that.


    So it's certainly possible, but whether it is common depends what type of guy we are talking about. What I illustrated above is one way a girl might not believe a guy is actually in love with her.
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    It's just speculation right now. I have a million theories as to what could have gone wrong.
    Ben Holt
    Republicans in 2018:
    "AOC is a radical."

    Republicans in 2021:
    "California wildfires are caused by secret Jew lasers."

    I WISH I were making this up.
    • Like
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    Janx_uwu
    Janx_uwu
    The same person who blamed those fires on Jewish space lasers also think Muslims don't belong in the government, and that 9/11 was an inside job.
    Something tells me she doesn't speak for all Republicans.
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    Not all, but enough.
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    Also Janx_uwu Janx_uwu I grew up in the Rural South. It's an EXTREMELY common belief that Muslims should be legally barred from government.
    I even heard my own father suggest a Muslim immigration ban long before Trump did.
    Ben Holt
    I was going to call another far-right world leader a **** today, but immediately after I called Modi a ****, India ruled that groping child breasts is not sexual assault if the breasts are clothed.
    So Modi gets to be the first two-day ****. **** him, and **** reactionaries.
    Ben Holt
    It still kills my OCD that Min Min is playable, but not Spring Man.
    It's like having Luigi before Mario! Gah!
    • Like
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    View previous comments…
    R
    RetrogamerMax
    Well, Sakurai said in the Min Min Presentation that Mr. Yabuki the Arms creator said all the Arms characters are the protagonist and not just Spring Man. You would think it's Spring Man because of him being on the cover for the game, but according to Yabuki it's everybody. Implying this same logic to other fighting games, you could say everyone that's playable is the protagonist or the main character.
    D
    Deleted member
    Heck, even in Street Fighter back in the day Capcom couldn't decide for a worldwide main character.

    In Japan It seemed to be Ryu, but in the West they pushed the idea of Guile as the main character.
    KirbyWorshipper2465
    KirbyWorshipper2465
    Even King of Fighters has revolving door main characters (especially in the weird time when Ash hijacked the position from Kyo/Iori).

    It definitely feels good to know that asking for characters like Max Brass, Lola Pop and Dr. Coyle doesn't feel so hopeless, though.
    Ben Holt
    Erdogan's a ****.
    Doc Monocle
    Doc Monocle
    Does something have you intensely upset again, sir?
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    No. I'm just starting a meme where every day, I pick a reactionary world leader and call them a ****.
    Doc Monocle
    Doc Monocle
    Be careful, Mr. Holt! We should be free to speak our minds, but I should warn you that if you do not like having enemies, having harsh language directed at politically significant figures is a sure fire way of acquiring some. Our words are the most impactive forces of nature, and we should take care with them. Take the word of someone who frequently says things that are easily misconstrued.
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