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Ben Holt
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  • Sometimes I feel like I don't have any true friends, only placeholders. I'll cling to anyone that makes me feel less lonely.
    Sometimes I feel like that. It never turns out to be true, though.
    I have no outlet for my pain.
    I wish people understood me.
    I miss you, Toji. Why did you choose to hurt me? You knew my pain. My heart was in your hand, but you chose to squeeze it until it burst. You knew I was different. You were one of my only friends. Why didn't you love me?

    You knew that I don't have many friends.
    You knew that I struggled with communication.
    You knew that I held my friends close to my heart.
    I tried to find my place, a sense of belonging.
    I tried to mold myself to your needs.
    You made me doubt myself.

    You made me question my own morals.
    You made me think that I was evil and had fooled even myself.
    You made me feel that love wasn't enough to keep my friends.
    You reinforced all my fears of being an alien, alone among "real" people.
    You made me feel undeserving.

    I could never say this to your face, so I have to hide here on Twitter SmashBoards, where you'll likely never see it.
    You hurt me, Toji.
    I feel like less of a person without you.
    All I ever wanted was what everyone else took for granted: love, acceptance, belonging.
    But I couldn't have that.
    It was inevitable that some of us would be born damaged, but why did I have to be one?
    Unlike an object, I cannot be returned to the factory and repaired.
    I am stuck in this brain until death sets me free.

    But I do not wish for death; I wish for happiness.
    Love is the greatest double edged sword.
    When reciprocated, it creates a high that no drug could replicate, but when it is unrequited, it is a torturous pain that no physical pain could ever match; it cannot be healed with medicine.
    Acknowledging that a woman is attractive is not inherently sexist, but saying that Trump's Press Secretary was better than Biden's because she's more physically attractive IS sexist.
    Unless you're a stripper, physical attractiveness is not a job requirement.
    Random chunk of wisdom:
    Ever wonder if a fart you hear on TV is real or fake?
    Listen for a hiss.
    If you hear an airy hiss, it's probably real. If you only hear a tone, it's probably fake.
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    Example of a real TV fart:
    I need a personal beautician.
    Doc Monocle
    Doc Monocle
    Sorry. My communicative shortcoming often lies in separating humor from serious intent, as well as joking in a way others understand. I have much difficulty getting around on the internet, and many things look like pitfalls to me, so I am cautious and point things out too.
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    Are you also Autistic?
    Trouble with taking jokes and sarcasm seriously is actually a symptom of Autism.
    Doc Monocle
    Doc Monocle
    I know that is a symptom, but I do not think I am autistic. I am just a quirky individual with little social experience. Much of what I say is fueled by intuition.
    One thing I hate about Liberalism is that once you agree that social hierarchy can be justified, you immediately allow groups to believe that they belong on top of that social hierarchy.
    We call those groups Fascists.
    I wish people loved and accepted me.
    I try my best to be a good person with strong moral character. But I always seem to hurt people.
    It makes me sad to know that one of my favorite musicians is a rapist and an abuser.
    Your music MEANT something to me.
    **** you, Marilyn Manson!
    I know a thing or two about her.
    I know she'll only make you cry.
    She'll let you walk the street beside her.
    But when she wants she'll pass you by.
    Everybody says she's lookin' good.
    And the lady knows it's understood.

    I hate being Autistic.
    I hate that half the Autism Awareness Organizations want us to be prevented from being born rather than teaching normal people to accept us.
    I hate being rejected from every social group I try to fit into.
    I hate that people see themselves as my babysitter rather than my friend.
    I hate being a burden on my family, friends, and government.
    I hate having a genius level IQ but never being taken seriously.
    I hate being prone to anxiety and depression.
    I hate having to struggle for the things most people take for granted: love, acceptance, a sense of social belonging.
    I hate feeling like I am an alien among humans, or that I'm the only real human among aliens.
    I hate that I hurt people unintentionally, and because I know that I hurt them, I feel their pain recoiling onto myself.
    I hate being seen as a project rather than a person.
    I hate that my brother has to warn new people that meet me that I'm odd.
    I hate living by my morals of honesty, kindness, and altruism, but knowing that my motives will always be questioned.
    I hate knowing that my romantic options are limited, which is compounded by my hypersexuality and inability to be satisfied with vanilla sex.
    I hate knowing that I'm 10 times more likely to commit suicide than a normal person, which is compounded by being non-heterosexual and having an unsupportive family, which raises the multiplier to 450.
    I hate knowing that my death will be rationalized by, "He's not suffering anymore."
    And most of all, I hate being trapped in the only life I will ever live. No resets. No rerolling the dice. No afterlife. No cure.

    You're living through that and still sane. There are many people who wouldn't say the same if they were in your position. That's a start. Also, those people wronged you. They did a wrong thing. You are not worse then them. Some of those people, well, the politest way to describe them is inappropriate for a R rated movie.
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    Ridley64 Ridley64
    Remember Haku from Naruto?
    He was so universally rejected that he clinged onto anyone that would acknowledge him. He ended up with Zabuza.
    That is much like me. I cling easily to anyone that gives me the time of day, no matter how toxic.
    Question for the girls:
    Is it possible/common for a guy to express romantic feelings and for you to not believe him?
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    "Perhaps even you heard me say, "I love you," but didn't think I was sincere, but please know that I really did love you. I really, really loved you. And losing you, especially having just expressed the most important feelings a person could feel, broke my heart. I wish I knew what had gone wrong, so that I could have avoided it, or if it couldn't have been avoided, then fixed it."
    I'm not a girl, but expression is more than just words. A lot of what you might constitute sincerity comes from other things like one's own actions or more subtle nuances. If a girl thinks that a guy's love is self-centered and needy then they might reject them. Because you might say that sincere love isn't based in one's personal desires, but in cultivating the object of their love's own desires and happiness.

    If a guy is going into this with a desire for the girl to save them from their loneliness or otherwise be dependent on them for their happiness, then it can be taken as being in love with some ideal version of the girl and not the real them. Or rather, the girl doesn't enter the equation at all and the guy is only after something that will fulfill his needs.

    Thus no matter how much the guy professes his love or how self-deprecating he might be, he's already signaled that it is all about him in the first place. And that's because his conception of love was about fulfilling his own desires and the other is ultimately just a vehicle for that.

    So it's certainly possible, but whether it is common depends what type of guy we are talking about. What I illustrated above is one way a girl might not believe a guy is actually in love with her.
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    It's just speculation right now. I have a million theories as to what could have gone wrong.
    Republicans in 2018:
    "AOC is a radical."

    Republicans in 2021:
    "California wildfires are caused by secret Jew lasers."

    I WISH I were making this up.
    • Like
    Reactions: Champion of Hyrule
    The same person who blamed those fires on Jewish space lasers also think Muslims don't belong in the government, and that 9/11 was an inside job.
    Something tells me she doesn't speak for all Republicans.
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    Not all, but enough.
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    Also Janx_uwu Janx_uwu I grew up in the Rural South. It's an EXTREMELY common belief that Muslims should be legally barred from government.
    I even heard my own father suggest a Muslim immigration ban long before Trump did.
    I was going to call another far-right world leader a **** today, but immediately after I called Modi a ****, India ruled that groping child breasts is not sexual assault if the breasts are clothed.
    So Modi gets to be the first two-day ****. **** him, and **** reactionaries.
    It still kills my OCD that Min Min is playable, but not Spring Man.
    It's like having Luigi before Mario! Gah!
    Well, Sakurai said in the Min Min Presentation that Mr. Yabuki the Arms creator said all the Arms characters are the protagonist and not just Spring Man. You would think it's Spring Man because of him being on the cover for the game, but according to Yabuki it's everybody. Implying this same logic to other fighting games, you could say everyone that's playable is the protagonist or the main character.
    Heck, even in Street Fighter back in the day Capcom couldn't decide for a worldwide main character.

    In Japan It seemed to be Ryu, but in the West they pushed the idea of Guile as the main character.
    Even King of Fighters has revolving door main characters (especially in the weird time when Ash hijacked the position from Kyo/Iori).

    It definitely feels good to know that asking for characters like Max Brass, Lola Pop and Dr. Coyle doesn't feel so hopeless, though.
    Erdogan's a ****.
    Doc Monocle
    Doc Monocle
    Does something have you intensely upset again, sir?
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    No. I'm just starting a meme where every day, I pick a reactionary world leader and call them a ****.
    Doc Monocle
    Doc Monocle
    Be careful, Mr. Holt! We should be free to speak our minds, but I should warn you that if you do not like having enemies, having harsh language directed at politically significant figures is a sure fire way of acquiring some. Our words are the most impactive forces of nature, and we should take care with them. Take the word of someone who frequently says things that are easily misconstrued.
    I just found out that the creator of Earthworm Jim is a far-right lunatic. Oof.
    I still want Earthworm Jim in Smash, though. Platforming masterpiece.
    • Like
    Reactions: RealPokeFan11
    RealPokeFan11 RealPokeFan11 Don't tell Smash fans that put too much stock in dumb politics that the music composer for the Dragon Quest music they love is a politician that hates America or else they will try to obligate themselves to not be happy with good music for no reason.
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    DrCoeloCephalo DrCoeloCephalo
    I am aware. He's also homophobic.
    Hell, even Nintendo basically said that the reason that only Japan got the original Super Mario Bros. 2 (Lost Levels) is because Americans are too stupid and angry for such a difficult game. Japan, unfortunately, has a very strong subculture of Nationalism and Ethnonationalism. Their immigration practices would make Western Nationalists like Trump and Viktor Orbán blush. Just ask Venus of the Desert Bloom Venus of the Desert Bloom . But Nationalism must be fought everywhere, even when it coincides with otherwise positive beliefs (like Arab Nationalism).
    Even I, as a Metalhead, have to to ignore the fact that Dave Mustaine of Megadeth, one of my favorite bands, is a homophobic, Jewish Questioning Nationalist who's collaborated with Alex Jones, the king of online conspiracy theories.

    While it important to separate art from the artists, as there is zero shame in liking a piece of media no matter how odeus the creator may be, we mustn't give free passes simply because someone created an enjoyable piece of media.
    Ben Holt Ben Holt Never said you have to give free passes. That's what seperating art from artist is for.

    "Hell, even Nintendo basically said that the reason that only Japan got the original Super Mario Bros. 2 (Lost Levels) is because Americans are too stupid and angry for such a difficult game."
    Considering American game journalists are dumb parasites that are treated as an object of ridicule because they find games like even SpongeBob Battle for Bikini Bottom Rehydrated or Spyro Reignited too hard, it's difficult to say that they were even remotely wrong.

    From my own experience, westerners that play Pokemon and nothing else have tried to claim other monster collectors for young audiences like Dragon Quest Monsters and Yo-Kai Watch are full of "bad game design" just for having bosses that force players to strategize and try new teams instead of being to just press the A button and win with no brain power required like they would in Pokemon. Pokemon fans even think Whitney is hard because of precisely that even though she really isn't. She just requires basic counter strategy and teambuilding skills, something Pokemon almost never makes you do.

    TLDR; They were hardly wrong.
    Ugh. Anyone who's ever suffered from depression or BPD knows what I'm talking about.
    I had a streak of good days going, and I went to the gym today, and it was full capacity. Now I'm upset, and my entire mood is ruined.
    Despite losing my best friend just a couple days ago, I feel eerily okay.
    I know that I should be more upset than I am.
    Perhaps I have reached an emotional plateau.
    Doc Monocle
    Doc Monocle
    "Eerily?" I would say it is grand that you are feeling okay. Furthermore, there is no "should be" in feeling upset. If you are happy, that is not a bad thing. Cheers!
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    Not happy. Just ok. Not suffering.
    Doc Monocle
    Doc Monocle
    It is still an improvement from perpetual grief, and for that, at least I am glad.
    I am...
    A hornet with butterfly wings.
    A banshee that beautifully sings.
    A rosebush that's tainted by thorns.
    My halo's held by demon horns.
    Biting my tongue, trying not to shoot back.
    No compromise; my heart won't pump the other way.
    Oof. Was in bed from 2AM to 6PM today.
    Might be a record.
    Doc Monocle
    Doc Monocle
    If they were truly your best friend, they not only will not, but cannot dump you. True friendship is permanent, and is only resolved at the end of time.
    Ben Holt
    Ben Holt
    Then I guess I don't really have friends.
    I always get betrayed. Even my former best friend from this site left me. 😔
    I just want to be liked and not treated like a pariah.
    There aren't very many people who can say they have true friends. Even now, I only have one friend that stuck by me through all the various issues life throws at you that makes you drift apart. All the others were really just ones of convenience at the end of the day. I wouldn't be too worried about quantity of friendship after that.

    I think the best thing you can do is to gain respect for yourself before worrying about others. I don't want to speak to things I don't know, but just seeing your posts and general demeanor I get the feeling you don't feel good or respect yourself. And that tends to attract the wrong kinds of people. I've always been a fan of the phrase "The good attracts the good" and I feel like maybe you need to respect yourself so that you attract others that will respect you. Because if you just cling to anyone that will pay attention to you then you'll just end up creating relationships of convenience and not mutual respect and friendship.

    Doing that is an entire other thing though, but it is the biggest step and the first step towards building solid relationships. Because if you're just looking for love and friendship to avoid loneliness and feel like you're worth something then it will turn into a one-sided affair that the other person isn't going to appreciate after a while. Having respect for yourself and a selfless desire to help others that isn't tied to your own personal gain is needed to obtain a true friendship. Because you are otherwise putting a major burden on someone to act as your everything which isn't going to be something they can realistically do.

    So if you're losing friends then you need to listen to their criticisms and figure which are things that need to change and which are fundamentally part of you that aren't able to be changed. Things about you that are universally unappealing or things about you that are only unappealing to those specific people. Oversensitivity and defensiveness stemming from insecurity and lack of self-respect is universally unappealing. Sticking to one's beliefs and convictions isn't. Figuring out what you don't like about yourself in the critiques of others while identifying and accepting the parts about you that can draw ire from others but are too important to you are part of this process.

    If you can change the parts about you stemming from insecurity or an unnatural desire to please everyone around you (for the purpose of your own selfish desires) and center those parts that are natural and fundamental to who you are around your core self then you can start building up a completely natural state of self that someone might find attractive at some point. And if somehow that isn't the case then you can at least be at peace with who you are.
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