"MK is a jack of all trades, good at everything and -should- be best at none, but is so good at them all that it doesn't matter."
He has the most versatile recovery in the game. He has the most of the best disjointed moves in the game. He has the best air dodge. The best forward roll. The best uair. The 'best' priority (transcended, technically loses to super armour or moves with greater disjoints, refer before).
I'd say Wario has the best air dodge, and his recovery doesn't beat Wario's by that much, although those two are undeniably better than everyone else. I'd argue the 'most' in the disjointed hitboxes (Turtle and Fishbowl are pretty **** good, off the top of my head), but he does have alot of very good ones, true.
"He hasn't got absurd infinites that turn 60-40s into 90-10s,"
He is able to dash grab cg both Ness and Lucas to the ledge and then undeniably gimp them.
Lucas and Ness have horrible anti-grab games (don't know how to put it) against most characters, so they should be used to not getting grabbed. Although, true, if he does pull the grab off, it is pretty free.
"he hasn't got absurd projectiles that force bad approaches to approach and die,"
He has some of the better evasive properties in the game. Including his ability to outzone just about every character in the game with his moveset (tilts, shuttle loop oos, tornado). Approaching MK is like signing your death warrant.
He can't really force an approach, though. Both players can pretty much just sit back and chill due to his lack of projectiles, and due to Lucas' (if used well) fairly safe projectiles, Lucas does have a better 'effective' range. Also, as far as I know, Lucas' dair's absurdly weird hitbox beats out Mach Tornado if spaced correctly.
"and he hasn't got massive range with disjointed hitboxes to force everyone close."
Are you joking?
If you think MKs range is massive, I don't know what to say. Its good, but its not really Snake-like.
"He's got the tools to be the best and be better than everyone, but he hasn't got the tools to have absurd matchup ratios like Dedede or IC because he doesn't own so much at one aspect of the game that anyone else who tries to play that aspect gets dominated."
His aspects PER aspect beat out just about every character below high tier. Things like Aerial Mobility that he loses in, his other options trump dominantly. If a character has no safe approaches, and the character has no way to stop MK from approaching it, and then you have the characters who have no reliable kill set up on MK either. Just because the punishment from all three of those aspects that characters like ICs and D3 DEAL is severely worse, MK is more likely to force those punishments on you than those two characters.
Yes, but in some matchups, his ability to force punishable options is lessened, and due to his lack of way to deal absurd damage as a punishment, he has to capitalize on those few times more than Dedede would. And with Lucas' (relatively) safe ways to outrange MK, there'll be even less opportunities to force a punish than against Bowser, as an example.
"Thus, all his matchups are in his favour, but none are WOAH 80-20 UNWINNABLE GAMES (except Ganondorf and Falcon)."
Of course. But MK dominates bad/subpar characters in just about every aspect, as I've stated. A character who cannot at least beat out multiple aspects of MK has no chance in the match up; this is of course understanding that both players are playing at a high and similar level.
Lucas can compete on enough levels for it to not be that horrible of a matchup, though. I'm not saying MK shouldn't be top, or its in Lucas' favour, its just not that bad of a matchup (although Lucas prob. should be a bit higher than he is now).