On an even more unrelated note:
My sadness (I'm more willing to call it depression now) is getting worse I think :/.
I figured it was just a phase. A long one. I'm starting to doubt that. Instead of it going away, it's getting worse. During those previous 3 months, despite not wanting to do concerts due to being nervous, I never got tired of playing music, which is what I previously planned on doing in college. I also never got tired of being on the computer. I also never got tired of playing a specific rhythm game (osu!). Those were the three things I ALWAYS relied on for happiness. This all changed after I made that post. I've slowly lost interest in the rhythm game (playing 2-3 (if any) songs a day instead of 30-40). I've also planned to stop using the computer for things that aren't homework after I'm done with my Pokemon hack, something that I've honestly lost all interest in. Now for those two, this should be a good thing if it weren't for the fact that these were things that gave me at least half of my daily happiness previous to these few weeks.
Music is different. Very different. I've been losing interest gradually. Previous to these few weeks, I loved playing music. I wanted to do it for my whole life. I could get behind my marimba, play relaxing chords and a few exercises along with some music for marching band, and I'd always feel better. It was something that I'd resort to doing. It'd calm me down when I was upset, and I didn't need people because I could play the marimba. When I was alone with the marimba, I was happy. However, starting these past few weeks, I've been gradually losing interest in not only the marimba, but the friends I had through music. My instructor (more on this later), who I loved (as a friend obviously) and was awesome as could be... I started to hate him just by his presence. He started to piss me off way more just because he was doing his job. I didn't like him anymore. I was always tired because of the fact that I'd have to spend 30 minutes with him telling me things that I felt I wouldn't ever use again because I was certain that I was dropping music after the school year. I hated playing the marimba at this point. It was a big waste of time to me, and although I had nothing to replace it with, I'd rather do nothing then play that thing ever again. Almost all of the people I met through music that were my friends were people that I started to either feel neutral towards or started to hate. At this point there are three people in my band class that I actually like being around. There used to be 20-30. Over a few weeks. It's really scaring me to lose interest in this many people so suddenly.
The reason why I'm posting this is because I actually realized how dark I was becoming through my instructor Thursday. I wanted to post it right away Thursday, but I didn't. I wanted to talk to someone personally about it, but I didn't see him online Thursday, and he wouldn't be able to verbally communicate with me because I would NOT talk about this in person. Anyways, to the thing with my instructor. Note that this day was on an extreme low side of my depression. I've never felt that bad before.
We were doing something called a "group lesson" in preparation for the Marching Band season. He gathered three vets to the keyboard-percussion section (where I play the marimba), and we all played through our warm ups. The goal was for us to see how different our technique, posture, etc was while playing, and for us to correct each other. I "corrected" the girl to my right once. (It was a joke comment. This girl is also one of the people I still consider my friend in band) That is important later. Besides that though, I pretty much complained to the same girl about how useless this whole experience was. I knew it had purpose, but I was probably dropping band, so why did it matter to me? I hated this guy, too. So I just kept on talking **** about it.
Until after it was over. We were supposed to start moving stuff soon, but it was right after we got done playing, so I was taking a break, thinking about things. Things that were apparently making me look depressed. Whenever I look depressed in front of my instructor, he always asks me if I'm tired. I usually say yes, but today, I was really aggravated so I just said "Yeah right". This changed everything. He asked if I felt like how a person normally feels after having a dream. A dream that is better than my current living state. I could agree to this, so I said "Yeah". He said "if only I could tell you about my life" and I responded with "Why can't you?", and from there, he told me one thing and one thing alone. "I broke up with my fiancee". I literally had a "Oh, I'm sorry" response planned for whatever he said, got through half of it, stopped and was like "Wait, what did you say again?"
This guy just had a child and apparently this happened. I was treating him and his lesson like ****, and he openly tells me this. It shows that he trusts me. What... He decided that today was the day. After that, he told me that if I ever needed to tell him anything, that I could, and that he'd tell me more the next time I saw him. He also said "good job for correcting -the girl that was playing to my right's name-. That's exactly what you need to do". He was complimenting me, being nice to me, and showing signs of trust. I was being a **** to him. It took me that much to realize how much I was truly changing and that I was becoming more depressed than I've ever previously been.
I don't know if the above will change anything with my depression, but I've never felt this horrible about anything. Ever. I've treated someone so badly, and they freely trust me like I'm someone that matters to them. It's so wrong...
Basically, I've realized the following over the past three months of this depression:
- I've lost and am still losing interest in everything that previously made me happy
- I've started to hate or feel neutral towards the people that previously made me happy
- I've had a general gloomy feeling for the past three months, varying from mild to extreme
along with things that weren't talked about in this post but have still occurred to me over the past three months:
- I've been way more hateful and aggressive towards others compared to my previous "never say something mean unless they deserve it" attitude that I spent a while building up
- I've had a tired feeling all the time. I always want to sleep, and my sleeping schedule has been horrible.
- I've gained weight, and I've been wanting to replace my rhythm game and computer time with eating
- I've gained feelings regarding my future, such as not having one due to committing suicide or I'll have a bad one since I'm changing careers all of a sudden, and it's to something that I haven't even decided on yet
- I've started to hate myself way more, especially after the above event, but before that as well. The above event really amplified it, though.
- Most of my thoughts when daydreaming (something I've been doing way more often) or thinking when I'm asleep involve me committing suicide or harming myself or things along those lines.
- I've been generally irritable.
- I've been having random pain all over my body off and on for the past few weeks
- I'm doing way worse in school, test scores dropping nearly 20%. I can't focus in class for anything, and I end up staring at the walls more often than paying attention to teachers (although it doesn't matter at this point in the year. I'm pretty much done with this year).
- I've had no energy at all.
So to end this post, I'd like to say sorry for ranting, but I also have a few questions.
Am I over-exaggerating this? I feel that it could be clinical depression, but at the same time, it could easily be a phase, since I know most teenagers go through depression at some point in their life. I haven't had a specific life changing event trigger any of these emotions (besides hating myself, but even then, it's not really a big event), and I could easily see me over-reacting to all of this, since I've been over-reacting lately as well.
Would talking to a person (my instructor) about this be enough or do I need to seek a therapist? I've never tried venting to someone, and I don't know how much my instructor plans to let me vent. I don't know what he meant by "if you ever need anything". I've also always despised talking to a professional about my minor, useless problems compared to what he's heard from people that are seriously depressed due to traumatic events.
I thought about these things for the past two days, and I haven't come up with anything at all. I don't know what to do with any of this or what to think about it. When I'm posting about it, I feel like I'm over-reacting, but whenever I'm away from the computer, one of my only happy places at this point, this is how I feel. :/. Any thoughts or advice would be amazing.
Really sorry about ranting. I just needed to get that out and I really needed to ask for advice without it being too awkward in one on one conversation. @_@.
