Hey guys. Haven't been on in a while since my laptop broke...
On an unrelated note, want to know how pathetic I am?
Okay for a little background, there's this girl I've loved going on 3 years now, who recently has been reciprocating those feelings now that she's single. I'm also still single. She doesn't want to go out with me because... wait for it... distance. 70 miles apart.
I worry, daily, that I will lose the only girl that's liked me back. I have anxiety attacks over it. And I let her know too. By being extremely blunt about it. Every time. She puts up with me. She tells me not to worry. But 70 miles... she could easily just find someone else.
We've had our ups and downs... but my anxiety and depression usually get the best of me and I accidentally question the trust betweenn us constantly even though my brain tells me that I trust her fully.
It hurts her, and it hurts me that it hurts her.
Also, she tends to ignore my texts and tweets to like... tweet and stuff with her other friends. I don't know. At least that's what it seems like.
And I HATE twitter. I only use it to follow her and get her attention when necessary...
Anyway, its 4AM right now. Her lady friend is with her and she sleeping like a normal person would at 4am. I woke up early, probably from some nightmare. I get on the intnernet and I see her smilingn face on tumblr with her friend.
Then I break down.
I'm laying here, crying, heavy hearted, because I realized how pathetic I actually am. To keep her smiling, I should just not talk to her for a while! At least that's what my dumb *** told her... while she's asleep. I told her I wouldn't talk to her today so I don't ruin her day. I cry. I vennt to my other friend, also asleep, because I have uncontrolable feels at the moment and would like sleep. That doesn't help. I cry more. Then I send a really long sob story message to my love; pretty much apologizing for everything, telling her I am so very much in love with her, asking for forgiveness, and some longwinded explaination that can only be described with some frankenstine abomanation of cheesy love songs.
And right now, its 4:44. I'm crying still. Slightly. My chest really hurts and I find it hard to breathe. All I want is her happiness. And all I do is screw things up. I'm such a terrible awful pathetic screwup.
Thanks for reading. I just needed to get this somewhere where someone awake could possibly read it so I would feel less pathetic.
-Kevin