I know the feeling. I'd give my right arm, I'd give my left leg (the one that still works properly), I'd give up anything and everything, I'd give the whole world just to be able to hold him in my arms again.
He was the most beautiful person inside and out I had ever met before. We were best friends after bonding over being ness mains. We talked and talked and realized we had a lot in common and enjoyed each other's company. He fell in love with me, but I was already in another relationship and he was willing to just be my best friend forever (but I eventually left that relationship in a mutual breakup, the guy and I are still close). He was so devoted to me, he knew I was going to apex 2012 and that I was sad he wouldn't be there, so he flew down on the friday night and set up an elaborate scheme to surprise me by showing up at the hotel. I couldn't believe it. Shortly later I realized I was falling for him too and it was pointless to fight it. I don't think I had ever seen him so happy. And as the relationship progressed he kept amazing me by what an incredible and loving person he was. He honestly had me convinced we would be together forever, and I believed him. I'd never felt so safe with someone, I've never felt so loved, I had never trusted somebody the way I trusted him. I've been with a lot of people by now, and I know there is nobody else in the world I want to be with. I knew what I feel for him is just love.
We had our issues though, he and I both have a lot of problems and are very hard to deal with in relationships. But I knew in my heart they were not issues that couldn't be fixed. He didn't agree.
And you know what, I talk to him too. Almost every day I completely break down and plead to him, beg to give me another chance, for the opportunity to show him that it's worth it.
And it's degrading. It's humiliating, it's embarrassing, it makes me feel so pathetic. He made my love and efforts feel completely worthless. He always pulls the "I want to be friends" thing, but I know if he can't give me another chance I will never be able to trust him. But I keep trying. And honestly, it's been bad for me. My life has fallen apart. I'm a depressed and distraught wreck. I used to be the happiest, sunniest person I knew, and now I am nothing like that. It continues to destroy me. It's been a month now and I feel like a moron. Why do I spend so much energy on him? Why am I giving so much when I know I'm going to get nothing? I don't know the answers to this, and it continues to kill me inside.
And it'll do the same to you. I know this makes me a hypocrite, but you need to cut off contact. It hurts a lot to do, I tried it. But I don't want anyone to ever go through what I am right now. The pain is too much. You've got a life to live, and you don't deserve what he's putting through.