Brinzy
Godfather of the Crimean Mafia
I'll start, of course.
I'm self-loathing. Very, very self-loathing. I downplay my strengths and exacerbate my weaknesses because I always feel that I'm less deserving of things in life. I earned a full scholarship to college a few years ago and right now I'm sitting at home because I spent too much time ruminating about the things I couldn't do and ended up getting academic suspension, and every single day I tell myself that I'm pathetic and ignorant and flat out useless.
I seclude myself from family because I'm so insecure with myself that I imagine nothing but hateful things coming from them, even on my birthday. I avoid professors that praise me for the things I do right and brightly because I have wild imaginations that they're just saying it to not make me feel bad. I abstain from involving myself with peers because I fantasize about the things they're going to say behind my back, which aren't hurtful but actually reinforce my own beliefs of myself.
I knew deep down inside that I had to do something to help myself, but instead of talking to someone or simply letting out pent-up issues, I began to drink, a lot. I haven't had any alcohol in a while but that's only because my mother would really hate me if she caught me drinking. Instead of trying to help myself, I let my self-loathing get to me, and as a result in the past few years of my life I've gained over 70 pounds and I look terrible. A few people in my life picked up on this behavior of mine and tried to help me but, again, my insecurities led me to believe that they only intended to reprimand me when all was said and done, and so I just stopped talking to those people completely.
The sensible part in me knows that a lot of this isn't really the truth about other people but the irrationality that I've sunk myself into refuses to let this sense come to light whenever I make mistakes or meet new people. I'm sick of this but I can't bring myself to get help, so I just sit here and let it get worse and worse. Even this post has me on the defensive and, as I'm typing it, I could simply delete it and nobody would ever know it'd exist, but I'm forcing myself to post this to learn about others but, most importantly, to see if anyone is like me so I can stop feeling like this.
I'm self-loathing. Very, very self-loathing. I downplay my strengths and exacerbate my weaknesses because I always feel that I'm less deserving of things in life. I earned a full scholarship to college a few years ago and right now I'm sitting at home because I spent too much time ruminating about the things I couldn't do and ended up getting academic suspension, and every single day I tell myself that I'm pathetic and ignorant and flat out useless.
I seclude myself from family because I'm so insecure with myself that I imagine nothing but hateful things coming from them, even on my birthday. I avoid professors that praise me for the things I do right and brightly because I have wild imaginations that they're just saying it to not make me feel bad. I abstain from involving myself with peers because I fantasize about the things they're going to say behind my back, which aren't hurtful but actually reinforce my own beliefs of myself.
I knew deep down inside that I had to do something to help myself, but instead of talking to someone or simply letting out pent-up issues, I began to drink, a lot. I haven't had any alcohol in a while but that's only because my mother would really hate me if she caught me drinking. Instead of trying to help myself, I let my self-loathing get to me, and as a result in the past few years of my life I've gained over 70 pounds and I look terrible. A few people in my life picked up on this behavior of mine and tried to help me but, again, my insecurities led me to believe that they only intended to reprimand me when all was said and done, and so I just stopped talking to those people completely.
The sensible part in me knows that a lot of this isn't really the truth about other people but the irrationality that I've sunk myself into refuses to let this sense come to light whenever I make mistakes or meet new people. I'm sick of this but I can't bring myself to get help, so I just sit here and let it get worse and worse. Even this post has me on the defensive and, as I'm typing it, I could simply delete it and nobody would ever know it'd exist, but I'm forcing myself to post this to learn about others but, most importantly, to see if anyone is like me so I can stop feeling like this.