Being social, and trying to make, and keep friendships.

[Rubyiris]

Since the main issue of the previous thread got horribly derailed, I'd like to start fresh. The issues are the following:

I want to be more social. I'm not trying to meet girls/boys/etc.. I'm trying to build friendships. I can count the number of friends I have on one hand, and most of them don't live in the state as I do. That eliminates the ability to go to things with friends.

When it comes to social events like raves, concerts, etc, I'm straight edge, and I really can't cut loose. I'm that type of person that stands somewhere safe, and tries to enjoy the music.

My biggest problem is a combination of my own dislike for most things that are considered the social norm, and peoples disinterest, or ignorance with my hobbies, so it's difficult to keep engaged/engage someone.

 

[Teran]

People who ask for advice are generally the ones that never even listen anyway, they will just deconstruct every bit of advice they are given and label it as stupid with their own rationalisations, and therein the problem is exposed.

You are just not compatible with most of humanity.

 

[Rubyiris]

Or maybe we ask for advice because we want to be happy, or successful, or whatever other reasons we ask for.guidance?

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[Teran]

Stop focusing on how everyone is stupid and how everything sucks, that's a good start. Step by step.

 

[Rubyiris]

My problems with swf, and real life are mutually exclusive.

 

[Pachinkosam]

Just be funny and problem solved.

 

[Teran]

Wow SW96 just summed it up perfectly.

It's actually true.

 

[Rubyiris]

It has to be more than just humor, or I wouldn't be lonely.

 

[satowolf]

Say big words and humor people with your wit. Or better yet play it old school and whip out your 3DS someone is bound to come to you and be like "Hey I have one! Let's streetpass :D" And develope a conversation O:

 

[Pachinkosam]

Well if you wanna have friends act funny thats my choose. But being funny is not easy.

 

[#HBC | Ryker]

People who ask for advice are generally the ones that never even listen anyway, they will just deconstruct every bit of advice they are given and label it as stupid with their own rationalisations, and therein the problem is exposed.

You are just not compatible with most of humanity.

And then

Just be funny and problem solved.

It has to be more than just humor, or I wouldn't be lonely.

Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool

 

[Vinylic.]

I gained friends out of the blue. Mostly by talking and meeting up.

All you do is talk and hang out discussing a current topic irl. Pretty much it.

 

[satowolf]

With being funny you gotta be smart too. You can say a joke or two but don't go as far as being offensive. Since people will look at you like "....really?"

I've also made friends out of the blue ranging from bumping into them on the street to internet chatting.

 

[Holder of the Heel]

You don't have to be social and like all of the events typically associated with socializing, as you've proposed examples of. You can perhaps try and be open to some of the things you dislike, it may be surprising how under certain lights, or more lights, you can be more accepting of things; but I also must say there is no necessity to rely on these things and to "conform". Just take the passions you have and focus on them, try to make a life out of them. The fewer the better I'd say, that means you become familiar with these interests and master them, instead of being so scattered and being a "jack-of-all-trades and the master on none". Through doing this, you won't need others, but at the same time, you'll be exposed to people that you can relate to. I believe you said before that the act of socializing is not your problem, but the fact that most things don't interest you and most people (which is generally the case with most introverts). Well, once you get into the environment that puts you with the right people, and in a situation where you won't even have a huge dependence on them, you should be better. But again I feel compelled to remind you that some things you don't like or have trouble with are potentially tentative and worthy of consideration in combination with everything else I've described.

 

[Luigitoilet]

Ruby, your personality is absolutely repellant. You could look like Channing Tatum and have trouble befriending people because of that.

You need to stop "otherizing" yourself in the context of society. There are people who like the same obscure things you do, but at the same time it's important to not define yourself solely by your interests. You're going to have to indulge other people and THEIR interests a little bit if you expect them to indulge yours. It's a give/take thing. If you truly want to be more social, it's going to take doing some things that you might not want to do. That might mean pretending to listen and care about whatever they are talking about, even if it doesn't interest you in the slightest.

Also, just try to make yourself a better and more interesting person. Pick up more hobbies, read more books, learn interesting and useful things so you have something to talk about with people besides how terrible your life is, Smash Bros, FLACs and headphones. Go to the Y and join a game of ball. Go to a show/concert and find friendly people to talk to about music. It's a matter of putting yourself out there.

Most of all, if your real life personality is half as unpleasant as your internet personality you need to do some serious re-prioritizing and instead try focusing on not hating yourself and other people so much before you try befriending others.

 

[Rubyiris]

Say big words and humor people with your wit. Or better yet play it old school and whip out your 3DS someone is bound to come to you and be like "Hey I have one! Let's streetpass :D" And develope a conversation O:

I have some pretty bad memories from doing exactly this.

Also, I don't own any game systems, portable or otherwise.

Probably good advice, but I gave it a try in the past and it went really badly.

 

[satowolf]

Ruby, your personality is absolutely repellant. You could look like Channing Tatum and have trouble befriending people because of that.

You need to stop "otherizing" yourself in the context of society. There are people who like the same obscure things you do, but at the same time it's important to not define yourself solely by your interests. You're going to have to indulge other people and THEIR interests a little bit if you expect them to indulge yours. It's a give/take thing. If you truly want to be more social, it's going to take doing some things that you might not want to do. That might mean pretending to listen and care about whatever they are talking about, even if it doesn't interest you in the slightest.

Also, just try to make yourself a better and more interesting person. Pick up more hobbies, read more books, learn interesting and useful things so you have something to talk about with people besides how terrible your life is, Smash Bros, FLACs and headphones. Go to the Y and join a game of ball. Go to a show/concert and find friendly people to talk to about music. It's a matter of putting yourself out there.

Most of all, if your real life personality is half as unpleasant as your internet personality you need to do some serious re-prioritizing and instead try focusing on not hating yourself and other people so much before you try befriending others.

This. 100x this.

 

[Rubyiris]

I don't think I will ever have the capability to not hate myself. I would rather focus my efforts outwardly.

 

[Teran]

You can't love others if you don't love yourself brotherjack.

 

[Falconv1.0]

You know even Falcon has friends and he's a huge *******. But see, I'm a fairly confident *******, and that allows me to not be all AWW MAN WHY NO ONE LOVE ME ;~; and hey look, friends.

Also **** you Teran, stop giving good advice to people who won't follow it. THIS PLACE NEEDS MORE NEGATIVITY.

 

[Rubyiris]

And that's where you're wrong, teran. Just because I'm self-depreciating doesn't stop me from having empathy, and caring for others.

LT, how am I supposed to put myself out there if I don't enjoy the things you suggest?

I would totally go to concerts if ****-all happened in Arizona

 

[satowolf]

I think everyone should go and watch Clannad. That's just me though.

 

[Rubyiris]

I hated clannad. Everyone should watch mahou shoujo lyrical nanoha the first.

 

[Master Xanthan]

I don't think I will ever have the capability to not hate myself. I would rather focus my efforts outwardly.

Find a way then. You'll never enjoy your life if you just hate yourself all the time.

 

[#HBC | Ryker]

Say big words and humor people with your wit. Or better yet play it old school and whip out your 3DS someone is bound to come to you and be like "Hey I have one! Let's streetpass :D" And develope a conversation O:

I have some pretty bad memories from doing exactly this.

Also, I don't own any game systems, portable or otherwise.

Probably good advice, but I gave it a try in the past and it went really badly.

I don't think I will ever have the capability to not hate myself. I would rather focus my efforts outwardly.

You can't love others if you don't love yourself brotherjack.

And that's where you're wrong, teran. Just because I'm self-depreciating doesn't stop me from having empathy, and caring for others.

LT, how am I supposed to put myself out there if I don't enjoy the things you suggest?

I would totally go to concerts if ****-all happened in Arizona

Oh my God, it never stops.

Even off-topic

I think everyone should go and watch Clannad. That's just me though.

I hated clannad. Everyone should watch mahou shoujo lyrical nanoha the first.

This guy, yo. Thiiiiiiis guy.

 

[ciaza]

I think everyone should go and watch Clannad. That's just me though.

this is the greatest life advice ever

 

[Alberto1866]

To be honest you sound like me, I can count my friends on one hand, straight edge at concerts and stuff... Im a very anxious and nervous person. All you really have to do is talk, start a conversation if it keeps going then cool you made a friend if it doesn't then you guys must not have that much in common and oh well.

 

[satowolf]

I hated clannad. Everyone should watch mahou shoujo lyrical nanoha the first.

 

[Teran]

And that's where you're wrong, teran. Just because I'm self-depreciating doesn't stop me from having empathy, and caring for others.

It's a saying, and it's more abstract. It doesn't mean if you hate yourself you are a psychopathic monster, it means it means that your self doubt and self loathing will constantly bleed into your life in hamper your social progress at every turn.

Want to get a boyfriend, oh **** I'm not going to meet up with this guy because OMG MY HAIR IS SO UGLY. I want to hang out with more people but OMG WHAT IF THEY ALL DISLIKE ME.

You know, you are doing exactly what I predicted though, you're getting defensive and shutting out everything people suggest, which is actually your problem. You need to work this out for yourself, just sit down and have an honest talk with yourself, because you are too self important to listen to anyone else, and that's not really a criticism because that's the case with almost everyone.

It's why I don't think people should really ask for advice, they are not open and not ready.

 

[Holder of the Heel]

That's not what Teran is saying. He is saying that you can't see things positively if you see yourself, the thing that sees everything, negatively. That, and love is generally considered to have some reciprocation, trust, understanding, confidence... In other words, people just say, "You can't love others if you don't love yourself" because it is true and much shorter and simpler to say, and most people typically understand why it is true. One of the few platitude-seeming phrases that actually has some legitimate weight to it.

 

[Teran]

That's not what Teran is saying. He is saying that you can't see things positively if you see yourself, the thing that sees everything, negatively. That, and love is generally considered to have some reciprocation, trust, understanding, confidence... In other words, people just say, "You can't love others if you don't love yourself" because it is true and much shorter and simpler to say, and most people typically understand why it is true. One of the few platitude-seeming phrases that actually has some legitimate weight to it.

Very well put.

It's funny how Holder is one of the few people with actual comprehension ability. Well, one of the few vocal ones anyway.

 

[Holder of the Heel]

Thank you kindly, good sir. You help me out though, I recall when we first interacted on here, you thought that incomprehensible **** was pouring out of me. Not even sure what we were discussing, but... it was probably true.


Another thing I want to add on the topic: Also, hating yourself, like Teran just said, causes you to be a bit self-important. It is its own form of pride. That is why pessimism and optimism tend to be considered naive and undesired compared to someone who is a realist, for as a result you aren't inflating anything. Imagine a person who is suffering a physical ailment, a headache, sore throat, ear infection, etc. They are likely to be irritable, and the forefront of their mind is going to be dedicated to curing themselves of that pain and suffering before anything else, and acknowledgment of anything else is either lacking or clouded. Then we have people who find themselves and their lives to be suffering. See where I am going with this? You're like a bed ridden person who is suffering from an illness.

 

[satowolf]

If only my friend could read this thread. I'm seeing some great points here. Since I have also fallen into the same "bed ridden" category. I used to think that everyone was stupid and that I had more sense then they did and that I would go as far as following my own selfish path while other would linger behind me 'cause I never gave a rat's *** about them. Heck, I didn't think I need anyone in my life because no one understood me like I did.

That's only because I never spoked to anyone about my issues and when I did I felt like they never cared.

In the end though, I've come across some interesting people that helped me get back on my feet. It was hard because I've came across elderly people that seemed washed up and miserable. Even when you try to help them. It was like they needed help but was stuck in their one-tracked mind about whatever they were going through. I didn't want to become like that. So I tried to make more time with my old friends and my boyfriend while making new friends on the way.

But that's just me xD

 

[Shorts]

It's too hard, give up.

 

[Azua]

Stop being negative. Start being awesome.

 

[Luigitoilet]

And that's where you're wrong, teran. Just because I'm self-depreciating doesn't stop me from having empathy, and caring for others.

LT, how am I supposed to put myself out there if I don't enjoy the things you suggest?

I would totally go to concerts if ****-all happened in Arizona

I already said that you are going to have to indulge in things you don't enjoy if you want to build a social life. Stop being a *****, life isn't all about "enjoying things". It takes work to achieve desirable results. Also, taking part in activities can lead to a change of heart about them. Even if not, you've met some new people.

 

[VietGeek]

yo Rubyiris I'm gonna be real straight here (as straight as my lines in geometry class so not that straight)

Use your self-loathe to its advantage, it's how I get friends and get friendzoned to EVEN HAVE MORE FRIENDS (+1 for Asian chicks not being allowed to date before they're married. No I don't need to explain that obv )

If you truly have some deplorable personality then fake it to make it. Let other people do the talking and you just follow-up to keep the **** going. Never go see movies? No ****ing problem, ask them what movie(s) they like, what it's about, his/her favorite actor/actress and why, etc.

Yo you play fighting games so you know winning is a balance of proactive and reactive positioning/planning/manipulation (no not the bad one, let's invoke the good feelings)

Life and "socializing" are the same way.

Had an hour long conversation with someone doing this and it was pretty fine. Got to know a lot about her, and when she tried to spin it onto me? Yeah well that's like hard reading the dragon punch/shine/burst to punish. Know where this is going and casually go on about the generic interests you do have in common with the rest of the world. You love pizza with feta cheese and salami on it? That's legit bro, run with that.

If the rest of our homeboys here are correctly assessing you, then I'm gonna go on a hunch and say you might have a tendency to start spewing that misanthropic, nihilistic philosophy ****. Don't do that. You'll scare everyone, and I MEAN EVERYONE, INCLUDING YOURSELF, within a 50 mile radius, including on weekends. Damn yo don't ruin your weekends.

Now I know someone is gonna rat on me with the whole "being fake" **** but let's be real here, friendship is an accumulative thing. Some people you may know may be "friends" but lean toward being just an acquaintance. Just means you two are mutually okay with each other but there's not a big commonality between you two. That's cool. But get enough of those people and eventually someone is gonna pop out the Shoujo-ai and you may think it's the most hurpderp weeaboo thing ever but there you go: "common interest." Build off of that, be open to new ideas, etc. No one likes haters but most people I find are okay with haters that don't make a ruckus about ****.

Also know that first impressions are everything. They will very likely define your role to your friend(s). If you are a snide, condescending *******, keep it to a minimum and do apologize, but chances are if they want to hang with you, they'll foresee your role in the group dynamic and won't be taken aback if you accidentally burst out an offensive joke unless it crosses the line. Where the line is drawn depends on everyone else, sometimes people don't draw very good lines you know? Ever try using chalk on the sidewalk? Yeah, not easy huh?

obv

 

[Rubyiris]

To be honest you sound like me, I can count my friends on one hand, straight edge at concerts and stuff... Im a very anxious and nervous person. All you really have to do is talk, start a conversation if it keeps going then cool you made a friend if it doesn't then you guys must not have that much in common and oh well.

Yo vietgeek, you just made my day. That post made me laugh out loud in class. <3

Talking to people is easy. Making lasting friendships is not.

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[Jim Morrison]

It's why I don't think people should really ask for advice, they are not open and not ready.

I disagree man, I frequent the /adv/ board on 4chan a loooot, and I hardly ever see the behaviour of shutting down and not being open to suggestions. A lot of people really are open to advice, but it's more specifically the type of person like Ruby asking for advice where I see the same behaviour. It's not part of asking advice, it's part of his personality.

 

[Rubyiris]

I'm open to advice. You guys just chose not to see me accepting advice. The issue is that I know, or do a lot of, or all of what is suggested, or the advice isn't always relevant to my specific problems. When I mention these things, you people automatically assume I'm just arbitrarily ignoring advice, when there is always a good reason why I'm not taking it. I even acknowledge it's good advice, and explain why it doesn't relate to me specifically, and people still give me **** for it.

I'm sorry I have unique issues.

Vietgeek made me laugh out loud during class. <3

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