Was randomly linked back to a post in the old houston thread while laughing and kinda recollecting on p4's "illmatic's mom" account that he used to troll me with like four years back. then i looked back on this thread. i want everyone who personally knows me and who has shared moments w/ all of us through those times to just chill for a sec. stop for just a moment and seriously think or recollect on that period of our lives. wasn't that freakin' sick n4sty awesome? Look at how much FUN we enjoyed together!! do you guys truly understand how good we had it?
I wasn't going to type this out, i honestly feel as though some of this stuff is just best kept tucked within my mind rather spinning under thought/possibilities rather than being shared by like a 400 page random post but i want you guys to remember. Remember what we were, know where i plan to go and why i'm absent + done with the series from this point on. I want us all (future players included) to appreciate what houston has been and where its potential can possibly head.
It doesn't take much either. Look through xyro's brawl videos, i like to think of this one as a prime example:
Or seriously just pick any page on the brawl houston thread within the 1000s and you'll soon realize this. i landed within the period where pj held his first and only house "fest" before moving in with austin. we all worked together in order to play and were willing to pick anyone up for rides for company. and it happened so quickly without any negativity or feint-jabs at each other. i remember every single moment of that thread, wherever i land i can remember what i was doing or what was running through my mind. why is it then.. now, when i post i can barely even recall what i may have said a week back? or - looking at it, i don't even recognize my own writing? i find myself asking, "did i seriously write that?" not even due to what may have been said but just a complete lack of memory. the reason is because smash is realistically no longer a part of me
My existence is prolonged in smash/houston exclusively based off of memories. there's honestly no growth for me in smash 4, i consider it to be a far weaker game as far as options or reads are concerned and i think we all agree that tech is nearly absent this time around. custom debates, 2-stocks or 3-stocks, stagelists.. whatever. i truly don't care lmao. i think it's been apparent from the beginning that i don't. a few may be thinking i'm arguing "selfishly" for my own agenda but the real truth is that i'm arguing against all of you to have just a small fragment of hope behind reasoning to stay with you. it's like i'm fighting you guys verbally just to have more incentive to see you more often if that makes any sense. and then when i do see you guys i'm fighting you literally in a game lmao which is even crazier especially considering i barely mind what happens anyways. a relationship won't' grow if you're stuck constantly trying to remember the past
I've been desparately craving to reinvent myself
Illmatic is over. it's been over, really. but there's never been a true, relentless desire to continue its drive akin to the passion it brought forth. up until recently. where i finally just started doing music stuff for "fun" rather than feeling pressured by myself or smash/friends/life or whatever you wanna call it. like one day i just opened up FL studio and started playing around for curiosity's sake. i finally felt it. yeah, it sounds stupid lmao cause it is.. like isn't that what you're SUPPOSED to do, christian? but once you start putting something aside and trick yourself into thinking everything in life can just be "checked off" like some sort of grocery list it can become habitual. habitual enough to where you put pretty much everything in your life aside and you no longer have anything to want to actually "do" because there's so many options or connections already established that you feel as though you need to eventually meet. friendships, stories, girls, etc. it stacks up quick - and everyone knows i've rarely ever been the one to say "no" to a request on meeting up that i can only act on in a moment's notice. it's because i care. i care about all of you so much lmao. samantha was ****ed, but to this day i still care. thaddeus IS ****ed as we speak, but i care and i want to make sure he's well. i guess i'm just the type to care under almost any circumstance, i forgive easily and in a way it can make me become the world's *****, rarely focusing on myself and always others being
But that's an excuse.. after all, im not entirely a saint lmao. i genuinely enjoy meeting others, and to an extent even further than i enjoy music. if i could; i would go around and just travel the world and attempt to understand various people - learn their culture or their stories and establish a connection w/ them that can't be broken. because i've always considered music at its root to be exactly that, you take someone who's lived their entire life up to that point (usually mid 20s or older) and just get to know them, or an idea that's influenced them enough to bring it to light in their own way. if the person is interesting or unique enough in how honest their expression is the album can be remarkably addicting - just like kindling up a new friendship or experiencing some sort of fun hobby for the first time. we rarely forget that. similar to albums, people can become mundane.. they can wear off. it's a sad truth to both friendship and life, not everyone grows or constantly changes enough to where they're always interesting. it's how we push ourselves to innovate. sure, you can keep a friendship and they can probably be the same awesome person they've been all along but it's exceptionally rare to come in contact with someone who's constantly (and usually purposefully) striving for their own form of revision or switch in perspective on themself. i've never been good with just "ignoring" people or slowly not talking to them. i want to be efficient and learn as much as i can but there's this butthole nature and honest grief behind a dissolving friendship or not pursuing one that's foreseeable as boring/lame. which would hurt me because i want them to always know we're cool but we're somehow out of reach communication wise or things just fell off. music would fill that void. 4000+ albums, all my friends. with any i went into there was no worry about not feeling guilt on not revisiting it if it didn't fit my emotional needs or desires at the time. i could simultaneously learn theory through my own interpretation and have an infinite emotional communication outlet on top of it to boot. it became an addiction
Playing persona 4 near the last quarter of 2014 assured me on a bunch of theories i've been thinking about regarding all of this lately. but i had to dig deeper to find it, revisit areas and people within the game's story to flesh it out. i loved the game dearly, it's likely one of the best ever released and that's with all sorts of favoritism/bias cast aside. the concept of "personas" and "shadows" facing the hidden traits of your psyche and accepting them a part of your self triggered a lot within me because idk im just naturally into stuff like that but to push it even further i repeatedly tried to relate it to my own life
Quickly i realized how the "sad truth" i was talking about earlier regarding friends was also apparent in persona. you establish all these heartfelt and beautiful relationships with whoever you please and then can just leave them in an instant, drop of a dime. it was almost laughable. as if you're --using-- them but all the while genuinely enjoying time spent. i related to this immensely. the most intense part for me was finally reaching the 10th social link of a person and knowing that the more time you spend with them the less efficient you are becoming in moving forward towards what you set out to do. the game allows you to delicately balance everyone on a finger and reach out to each character with their problems while still getting what you need to do done.. and by doing this exclusively you can reach the "true" ending. where everyone reaches their full potential, including you. in a way, the game became a reflection of how i percieve my life and it reminded me to value time past my previous understanding. nearly everyone in houston is at a max social link w/ me, we'll keep in contact from time to time but it'll be a while before i can reach that true ending. i still have the rest of my game to play and i feel like a lot of other people within this community do as well, whether they realize it yet or not
So with that out of the way, what is a complex of my own? better yet, what even is a complex? (i.e google defined: PSYCHOANALYSIS a related group of emotionally significant ideas that are completely or partly repressed and that cause psychic conflict leading to abnormal mental states or behavior) it's funny because one of my favorite albums taught me its definition subconsciously, anima. if you're still reading by now i guess it's worth noting what that is and why it links up to all of this in smash for me so... i'mma take an excerpt from a summary on that release, "Melody and rhythm are sometimes more implied than expressed, allowing for your brain to fill in the blanks, and at other times coalesce effortlessly, flawlessly and gracefully all on their own. Stagnation is the enemy as a few notes of wash background are about the only element allowed to loop for any great length of time. The piece ends by gradually, almost unwillingly, dissolving and fading away finally concluding with a crash and sampled dialogue … “I might never go to sleep again, I might stay awake forever!” Absolutely gorgeous. Pure genius. Yet another masterpiece."
It's a slab of some of the most serene and virtually alive sounds i've ever heard. imagine a deep fresh breath of air or glowing light within a monitor of a computer. a shade of blue that's illuminated in an almost surreal manner, as if some sort of power is just constantly gyrating within it, waiting to be set free. the album changed my life in a various amount of ways and snagged me from the moment i first heard its design but i could never pin down an emotion behind what it was trying to express. these are usually my favorite, i feel as though we all have hidden intuition embedded deep inside us and often albums can excavate it out or help us come to a better understanding of our lives. the more i listened to anima it revealed a nature of "refreshing" or a type of baptizing, how when you came out of its sound it left you with an open-ness of your perspective on things and how you perceived ideas or thoughts. the first and only time i tried lsd i had similar ideas and my mind raced in the same manner as anima - i could fetch thoughts or things i had learned almost instantly within any corner of my mind with no drawbacks. a sense of purity, like it was my very being condensed with no dilution and brought forth in a manner i knew i was capable of but rarely attempted to evict. words were easy, i could speak quickly and say anything i wanted.. pinning down exactly what i was trying to express. as if the swells in anima are for a brief moment directly linked to the feelings or thought process in the height of someone under the influence of lsd. there's potential behind the drug and not just in a vain or or selfish manner either, i'm thoroughly convinced it could benefit our society if tapped into and understood properly. what does have to do with an album? the more i heard anima, the more i speculated that perhaps the album was purposefully created with an intent to replicate the therapeutic properties of lsd. to sum all of this up, this is a convo i had w/ a friend before realizing this, "it sucks cause i feel like i barely have anyone to talk to about music anymore. it's not going to change my personality or anything and i don't blame others cause it's more of an experience/something that is felt - but a type of transcendence or "trip" through sound is what i'm more into now i guess? which is why i suppose most people who share that enjoyment out of music wouldn't want to discuss it heavily - their own reasoning behind liking it may be vastly different than another's due to just how severely personal the record actually is. but i just love hearing stuff like that from people who are genuine about their enjoyment in music, even if i don't share the same insight. everyone is usually so pent up about their own expression - or they just don't appreciate what's being presented in the same light i or others do (which isn't a problem, but i prefer hearing why people love something opposed to why they hate it). i just feel as though im kinda on the opposite scale of that, i always wanna share experiences. anima is so disgustingly reflective too, like a dive into one's own psyche in an effort to gain a heightened sense of spirituality. ugh i don't even want to begin talking about the sounds cause i might sound crazy/misunderstood but how vladislav always has you second guessing what's coming next - or how he implies a bit is about to happen, but you just have to guess on your own intuition. like it doesn't care about the norm in how individuals normally approach sound, it exists as is - in a constant oscillation- and never falters from you're initial engagement with it. i think my favorite part are those moments around 35:28, i don't even know how to begin putting words to those types of sounds but that whole portion had me raked up almost in tears. it all feels so distant and lush, no mark on a specific point in time can be placed on it - infinite, and you're just peering in for an hour's listen to catch a glimpse of it's immensity. i love the ending so much, how the splashing wakes him up - similar to how one would after a "healing" deep sleep that seems to last forever, how water can shock you back into reality. "i'm a wreck." "when was the last time i (??) with you?" as if he's suddenly appreciative of things and wants to turn his life around. and how he just sits and cries to the woman who is coping with him - reassuring hiim that he's safe after it's all over, "i can't pretend anymore. i might never go to sleep again, i might stay awake forever" as if anima had put him locked under its spell for his own growth, he's come out refreshed like a baptism. he begins to view things how they naturally are - his own life included and he wants to make an effort to be more sincere/genuine. i've NEVER sat in silence after listening to an album before but today i listened to anima entirely - completely locked and astonished in nearly every moment - it physically affected me, like some points had me experiencing involuntary cringes or sudden jolts from how powerful the music felt. was insane. this is the kind of stuff where just leave when it starts and come back when it ends. i bet it would sound real good laying on the ground or within an enclosed space at a proper volume. i wanna mess with it more... i can't believe it exists, i could barely even talk after listening. everything felt renewed and day-to-day sounds were so sharp, separated and clear. and the way the album starts, it's almost as if the man knows anima is approaching, like there's some sort of individual preparation beforehand. how he has to go into it empty or hollow - "are you ready?"
HOW does this pertain to the album? how does this tie into smash or persona or seriously anything at all, right? well.. like i said i would in that convo i repeatedly tried to come to a further understanding of anima. i came to the lsd idea and then off a hunch i started researching into what "anima" even was defined as. apparently the artist (vladislav delay) WAS trying to recreate a drug experience (wasn't explicitly stated) but i firmly believe it was lsd. then i looked into anima and why it related so much to me and ohohohoho, lemme show you what i found:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anima_and_animus
Literally just read that lmao, "manifesting itself by appearing in dreams" "unconscious female psychological qualities that a male possesses or the masculine ones possessed by the female, respectively" "Jung said that "the encounter with the shadow is the 'apprentice-piece' in the individual's development...that with the anima is the 'masterpiece'".[1] Jung viewed the anima process as being one of the sources of creative ability"
It relates to persona 4 and me perfectly. persona 4 even mentions all of this (if you ever take the time in golden to talk to that one professor dude who mentors classes with his speeches at a specific portion of the game). it's crazy how coincidental everything was and naturally falling into place within the last year my life as long as i put effort into understanding what i chose to invest my time in - -
Lol.. so yea, despite how long i've loved it... holding nothing back and relentlessly pursuing music is my own complex. it's a suppression that i never faced for whatever reason to completely understand. running. never doing "it", for whatever reason falling into that dormant stagnancy. looking back, it's ironic how anima's description states "stagnation is the enemy" lol. and my shadow? i think a good majority of you have already witnessed it early on. that crazy kid who never stopped, regardless of who's feelings were hurt or who stood before him. someone who was going to do whatever it took to improve and then be vocal about it once said achievement was met. exceedingly cocky (to an extent), arrogant and almost annoyingly headstrong. competitive. MONEY MATCH? or perhaps that's my true being and the current state i'm in is the shadow that has nearly consumed me. lmao this is like some cute kind of thought straight of an anime but i'll live to prove its worth
I'm not sure what made me hide it or damper all of these traits publicly but in doing so it consumed me into something i'm not. which was a part of my very definition of fun. over the years of smash and i guess just knowing someone else isn't trying their hardest, "this game is lame", people's opinions on my attitude or behavior, "sandbagging", etc. it just all took a toll on how i perceived life i guess. suddenly it was okay to just slowly mellow out and take everything in stride - accepting whatever it may be for what it was and slowly refusing to ask questions so i wouldn't "irritate" anyone. part of my spirit became dormant and it led to a slow burn of stagnancy. i "stopped playing smash" and ran to music as an outlet of self understanding. which prolonged the dormancy of my competitiveness because i was guised to believe that music lacks a competitive nature. afterall, in public light music is often perceived as even more of a game of "don't hurt anyone's feelings". look at kanye west @ the grammys lmao and how half of our nation despises him, that would be me. i mean, yeah throughout all of this time suppressed.. i cultivated my own taste beyond levels i could ever imagine but i never "competed". there was a point in my life where through my eyes, playing was competing regarding music. but at that time when i started becoming a lil ***** ass ***** everyone's music was "cool", even if i didn't like it. "why should i start playing right now?" turned into "i'm just having so much fun listening and learning!" which led into a bunch of "eventually..."'s because i was literally caught in a vortex of endless knowledge and procrastination
Tf2, yugioh, LMAO now SMASH 4 etc. it's as if i was trying to find that competitive spark that i had lost in smash in new things. tricking myself into thinking the gratification of succeeding in a new creative or unique way sufficed. and all the while running away from what i truly wanted and knew i needed (music) but perhaps i subconsciously was preparing myself for because i wasn't ready for it yet. i met new people and established tons of new relationships / emotions that opened my mind to different perspectives on sound. i wouldn't be able to examine my life and sculpt decisions that i'm making right now in both my music and personality if i hadn't been for briefly falling. things just naturally opened up for me (musically) when i needed them to at just the right time. even if i had been making mistake after mistake after mistake. somehow these mistakes allowed me to come to a better understanding of myself through life or even music. but why me? why am i so blessed to be able to interpret music in such a full and genuine way? is it due to constantly wanting to understand people and emotions despite whatever subjective criticism may be soon to follow in a distance? do i even care about criticism or do i just sincerely want to mine out good and worth in whatever or whoever i find, then kind of "pocket" it as my own? this is currently my best guess and it might not be entirely true - perhaps it's just talent but if one thing's for certain, in hindsight i know i've been taking it for granted . . .
Whenever i used to practice w/ people in brawl and they felt as though they couldn't improve or figure out a situation i'd ask, "are you trying your hardest?" because that's how i seriously viewed smash. that's how i view any "hobby" i don't even think of it as a hobby - it's 100% all or nothing. and for smash 4 it's seriously not even a question as to how much percent i'm putting into wanting to win. like.. possibly 5%? it'd be cool if i beat denti or someone every now and then but it no longer matters to me. yeah, i could play melee.. it'd fit the speed and nature that i feel as though complements me best in smash. but what's the point of playing if i'm not accepting of my work's reward? i don't personally care what i do in smash anymore - i care more about how the public eye perceives my skill level. that's not a good reason to play
Jumping back into the entire "all or nothing" mindset and not creating hobbies but rather relentless passion behind something then jumping to the next thing once it's complete.. it's always been coursing throughout my life whether i realized it or not, mainly in gaming. like i've been designed to just hold that mindset behind whatever i do because of all the games i've played or MMORPGs i've destroyed have taught me that if you're going to do something do it until it's complete or it's pointless. with music i feel like this type of mindset that i was suppressing while having all sorts of other things going on led to further procrastination. i wouldn't put my all in music cause i felt as though i couldn't any longer. i was too worried about growing up or having responsibilities, smash, friends, college, etc. tl;dr lmao i was being beyond idiotic
Playing guitar with jerm, "you're holding back" he was right, thankfully. tough love at times is unparalleled, kinda ironic how we played covered in frogs together at fitzgerald's, huh? hey friend i've got to gooo, sorry i cannot stayyyy. i wish i had more time, i wish i had all day.. but hey friend, T-T-II-II-I-IIIMEEEE GOESSSS FAAAAASTTTTTT!!!!. i wasn't trying my hardest, i don't think i ever have and he recognized it because he knew me. lmao i don't even think i was trying at all!
It's been a long time coming but we're here now. about to set the roof on fire baby UH OHHHH. i barely listen to music anymore or even have a desire to. i barely play smash lmao WTF is happening i've become a fatboy textbook definition of a smashboards marth. i scroll the houston threads and forums far more often then i put a controller in my hand to practice. i see listening to music or even playing smash as masturbatory now, like what's the point?? you can listen to music but music will never listen to you. and lol what am i even proving or doing in smash 4? what am i giving back to the world by playing smash? sure, i may inspire some kids to join a scene so they can experience the smash community's love and possibly entertain others so they'll want to do the same but that doesn't sit well with me. too many variables, it's not enough
I'm going to reinvent myself
Reinvent my personality into something i deem fit. and create music that elicits the same type of pressure that my playstyle would have on someone's shield until it pops, holds the love that i've found within moments in gaming, this community (houston), and competition in general. the emotion we felt as a kid, hearing the gamecube melody play out as we saw the logo unfold and knew melee would soon follow. or other games.. like the ambience and warmth of sunflowers brisking against lucas' body in chapter 6 of mother 3, and here in smash; the anticipation and assurance you feel mid-match when the crowd (or friends) starts to cheer for you or your character's name. i'll take the spirit of illmatic that's been harbored inside of me since the day i joined this scene, the spirit i almost let die and transplant it into a new PASSION that has a plot and design ready to unfold
Do you perceive gaming like this?
There's a common misconception that circles around music / gaming in general lacks intelligence. that "fun" can't be directly linked to anything worthwhile or of merit. why not? we're dawning near an age in time where gaming has become a serious and respectable art-form and has potential to grow into something even more formidable. and music is legitimately mining out unfathomable ideas + possibilities. i feel like i fall in an era where the envelope's being pushed in both and i want to be a part of it. primarily in music but while still giving a headnod to my roots and where my heart also lies (growing up in competitive gaming). i want to create sounds that transcend traditional dancefloor 4/4 beats while still having rhythm that's fun and knows how to have a good time. show the emotion behind gaming that not everyone has the opportunity to witness through another artform. something that would fit perfectly in the background to a melee smash-fest (multi-task listening) but then later on be critically analyzed and reveal all sorts of layers or meaning. but above all i want sound that's so certain it can't be properly placed or judged.. it doesn't divide, its speed and aggression are so certain with fury nothing can stand against it
"The assault of laughter" is gonna be the title to my first release. it's one of my favorite quotes from mark twain. "against the assault of laughter nothing can stand" and if you know me enough i think you'll agree that it fits my personality and these ideas for the sounds im working on pretty well ^^
I likely won't look back on this thread after this post. feel free to say or think whatever you want. and i refuse to enter another tournament. but i will promise to create art unique to my own personality from what you all have helped mold out of me these past five years. i know there's different sides to all of us. throughout the years we've all seen plenty and i'm sure we all have hidden traits that we've yet to show, but you guys know me because you're a part of my very being. you're family, and i won't forget that. times where austin would take money out of his very own pocket to make sure i'd be okay and allowed me to have a place to live. where jerm would continuously have faith in me through music.. pick me up to take me places and experience them despite my lack of effort and drive. p4 and i's friendship earlier on, how he'd always have my back for transportation to/from tournaments and how we've always been chill throughout the years. xyro's CONSTANT help in hosting things.. driving down to katy to hang out, pushing me further in smash or ddr and all the laughs we've shared. razer and i's endless aim convos late at night and laughing at stupid sick fish pictures or helping each other with homework. pj's long drawn out but super purposeful conversations and how we used to have rap battles and pick apart his rhymes to a point where we both felt like they could take on anything. and now as they continue to grow we're both certain they can. pobrecito vinnie ;-;, the wind rises night with smoom, how kilik and i would just casually hang out and head to the movies together or talk about random stuff alongside training for smash. watching kadin throw baby-fits at our first smash-fest then later on maturing and reaking havoc on 90% of houston (including me) for a good while when smash 4 came out. the one night trela randomly slept over at my place and we'd go to his old smash forums and laugh at captain neckbeard's posts. how flip got me into the scene from allisbrawl, tesh's perfect sense of humor and knack for value, party times with maharba, pc music night with johnny socal, everything zoribrawl in general, philosophical hipsters 3 w/ zano, bad movie hours with asa, j dilla talk with run c.t... and how nearly each and every one of you showed up to support me while i was stuck in the hospital with crohn's. there's too much, it's all too much to even recollect on here through smashboards by .0001% but i remember each and every bit of it. i've missed out on a ton i'm sure but you've all been more than best friends. and i think the fact that i'm saying in a kind of way it's never been about this game, it's been about the community attests to that
If you guys can't tell by now.. i have a hard time w/ transitional periods in my life LMAO. mainly due to my love for friends but idk also a lot of other stuff. i feel guilty, it's hard to say goodbye.. ;__; but i'mma be real, it's time to pull a shadow1pj and 8mile. just want y'all to know i'll be around and definitely care. i guess the last thing i wanna pull out of my butt from all of this that relates to all of this. probably my second or third favorite game ever.. majora's mask and its ending:
The friendship between skull kid and the giants still exists, it always will. in majora's mask a character's tendencies or behaviors always stayed true to their desire regardless of setting or set schedule. at the end of the game if everything was properly examined and implemented on with haste, the characters reached their full potential. i love the stillness of the ending, the ambience within the air and the lack of music. it feels so empty at first glance but holds such a powerful/beautiful message and sad truth to something we all have to go through in life, parting. regardless of all of my friends' faith in me (although i'd appreciate it), i'll always be ready to support any of you in life akin to how the giants helped skull kid at the end of majora's mask. also thaddeus is currently literally skullkid before majora's mask's evil is purged lmao
"Whenever there is a meeting, a parting is sure to follow. however, that parting need not last forever... whether a parting be forever or merely for a short time... that is up to you"
Each of y'all are like a mask to me.. it may sound kinda corny but wherever we all may stray or succeed we're still friends, i want to keep in touch and i'll wear your personalities/think of you wherever i go. we've brought each other great happiness, and the happiness each one of you have given to me is truly good. thanks for that
Well, similar to link riding off on epona in the last few moments of that video.. i'm off. i've achieved what i was after and my time's through, but i won't forget what smash has given and taught to me
Love you guys<3
z00ted
, although I didn't get into the general Houston community until 2014. It was a pleasure commentating with you on multiple occasions, and now I wish I accepted the Shulk money match at TGC. It would've been fun.
