To all the people who want me to examine what kind of "fan" I am, despite the fact that you don't deserve a response, I can't help myself from putting at least 100 hooks in my mouth at any given time, I am a ****ing bait addict. I'll tell you what kind of fan I am, I'm the kind of fan that at age 9 picked up Super Smash Bros knowing good and god damn well that it was a multiplayer party game that I would likely never be able to enjoy as intended because I am an only child who, at the time, had 1 friend who was a stereotypical early 90s baby whose parents would not allow near a video game. I just wanted to know what it was about, how a game could possibly let me play as Mario and Link and Pikachu all in the same world, and I fell in love with it. I was introduced to Metroid, F-Zero and Earthbound through this game and because of the latter, I can say that Smash Bros 64 effectively changed my life.
I'm the kind of fan who bought a Gamecube on launch day and played Luigi's Mansion until Melee came out and then Melee almost never left my console. I had acquired exactly 1 more friend in those two years and this one played video games, so he and I played the everloving **** out of Melee and I began to learn about tournaments and the competitive scene of Smash at this point and I learned that I was absolute garbage at Melee and so stepped my game up tremendously over the following years. I never went to a single tournament because I was still so young, but it's safe to say that for the second time in its history, Smash as a franchise changed my life.
I'm the kind of fan who was up bright and early every morning, checking the Brawl Dojo before school or in my morning programming class if I didn't manage to wake up early enough to do it at home. Every day, I rooted for Geno or Isaac or Lloyd to show up, and after Lucas, I hoped for his adversary, Masked Man. I rode the ups and downs of that release cycle like everyone else, had my mind blown by Sonic and had my expectations slashed by the generic "check out this character's down tilt" posts or "look at this cool new item" *. I was out here in the trenches when a true all star cast of characters was soiled by the oh so creative addition of R.O.B. and Toon Link. Beyond all of this, what kind of fan am I? I didn't take a hot steamy dump on everyone who wanted to play Brawl competitively. I gave it a fair shake and my first Smash tournaments were playing this beautiful trainwreck. I sat around and endured endless * from Melee players because I enjoyed the roster over the mechanics. Did I switch to Brawl+ when it became available? **** yeah I did, to hell with tripping... But I looked forward to the future of the franchise.
I'm the kind of fan who hinged his decision to purchase a whole ass Wii U because they said of course Smash Bros was coming to it. Like Brawl before it, I was there every night on the Smash Dojo looking out, once again, for Geno. I was happy to see returning characters, thrilled by the addition of Mega Man, confused by the waifubait inclusions of Lucina and Palutena, angered at the concept of Mii Fighters, excited by Greninja, Shulk and Robin and ****ing heartbroken by the cut of Wolf, Snake and Lucas. The DLC cycle for Smash 4 was truly an exciting time for me because for the first time in Smash's history, after the game had come out we could hold onto hope. They brought Lucas back despite being a trophy and Ness having all of his moves, truly anything was possible... But Nintendo wanted to turn heads more than they wanted to please fans after Mewtwo and Lucas. I'm sure Cloud did both for some, but not for me, and the Geno costume... I don't think I was too upset. It was, at that time, hope. Hope, once again, to look forward to the future of the franchise.
Finally, I am the kind of fan who, despite being burnt on the fact that Bayonetta was added to Smash 4 with zero semblance of care for balance, despite being burnt on the quality of some of the Wii U's late-life releases (Star Fox Zero hurts me in ways I didn't think I could be hurt by video games), and despite being burnt by the fact that the Wii U sucked absolute ass... I picked up a Switch. Well after release, sure, but I still got a Switch because I trusted the quality of the games, what Nintendo would do for their fans. Despite thinking that Ultimate was going to be a Smash 4 port with some more DLC, I still held out a little hope for it, and when it was shown off at E3 with every character returning, I was hyped up. The massive roster that I had dreamed about since Melee was really becoming a reality... Almost everything from this point is so recent there's no need to describe it.
So if the fact that I don't sit down at the table and say with excitement "itadakimasu" when Nintendo serves me **** doesn't make me a fan despite all of this, then I don't want to be a fan.
You might be saying "how is Nintendo putting the most vapid antagonist of the most entry level Final Fantasy game into Smash 'serving [you] *'", and all I have to say in response to that is that you simply will never understand how I feel. Sephiroth isn't *, of course not. This is a massive reveal that pleases a lot more people than it disappoints and answers the question of "how do they outdo Steve?". But I didn't sign up to see Steve outdone. I didn't sign up to see ****ing Steve. There's a small handful of holes in Smash Ultimate that keep it from truly being "Ultimate" or even "Special" as the Japanese name implies, and those holes aren't filled by massive picks like this, they're filled by little guys that the Smash community has been requesting for over a decade. But fan polls mean nothing in the face of big money deals.
All of this DLC, even pass 1, has been mostly just head turning characters, nothing to appeal to fan requests. Joker? "Look at us, we got weeb garbage to join the roster before the fans got anything they asked for!" Hero? "Look at us we got the biggest RPG franchise in Japan to join the roster" Banjo? Banjo...
I'm *ing bitter and I want to put these words on paper, and know that I mean them from the bottom of my heart - if you like Banjo then * you. I hate you for the fact that you got your dumb cereal mascot from a trashy knockoff Mario 64 before we got virtually anyone else. This goes beyond Geno, *ing Waluigi would have been a better pick than Banjo. I'm glad that he's just a ****ty Mario semi-clone that'll never amount to anything competitively because I ****ing hate looking at him and hearing his sound effects and his music. He was added as nothing more than yet another "look at us, we went to our direct competitor and shilled their console so we could pretend to appeal to fans but actually we just wanted to turn heads and be a media sensation", but blinded by nostalgia for an objectively awful pair of video games you guys think they finally listened to the fans for once. It's sad. And for the record? Geno could be the next three characters and I'd still feel this way about Banjo. * him and **** his fans.
Terry is a genuine enigma and I'm glad they added him. Byleth needs no explanation.
I've said so many times that the DLC for Ultimate is about characters who have mechanics that are really unique. Joker has a semi-uncontrollable limit gauge that turns him from Sheik to Ganondorf, Hero has a whole ass spells menu, Banjo has... nothing really special, honestly. I guess the neutral B is unique but not really useful. Terry has fighting game inputs with a meter equivalent built in and Byleth is a Fire Emblem character with blue hair without a counter (who finally represents the variety of weapons available in the game). Min Min is like what if Mega Man's projectiles couldn't be reflected and Steve is so far out of the realm of plausible that he literally doesn't fit in with the rest of the cast. It really did feel like this was the development mindset, to make experiences unique to each character and put something special in the game, "and where did that bring you?"
Anime Swordsman: Back to me.
Seriously, they went out of their way to get the most iconic Final Fantasy villain right next to *ing Kefka, put him and the full length of his massive tool in the game only to give him a ****ing counter. They're out of ideas and they clearly don't give a damn about unique characters or characters that are pushing the limit of the game's balance. * me for being wrong about the one thing that would have spelt something good for Smash's future. They just want to turn heads or shill their own ****.
In the end, Ovaltine is right - this isn't on Square, this is on Nintendo. Nintendo didn't go to Square and say "gimme Geno" only for Square to say "Cloud first", they went to Square and said "gimme Cloud" and Square said "he's kind of old". This situation didn't happen with a single Square character. Nintendo asked for who we got and we got them. Nintendo ****ing hates the fact that Mario can be more than vapid platforming save the princess haha funny plumber fireballs go plt plt. They hate that Mario and his universe can be the vehicle of heartwarming stories with quirky dialogue that can evoke actual emotion from real humans, and above all, their pride as a company hates the fact that one of the most popular Mario characters of all time wasn't made by them. They never want us to be able to play as Geno again. Call it dooming all you want, it's the ****ing God's honest truth. If Nintendo wanted Geno, we would have had him three times by now.
That's what makes this **** sting even more. I've brought it up in the past but I'll bring it up again - there was an interview, long ago, where Sakurai said that he doesn't like to string people along or play with their expectations. Well, that was a ****ing lie because it is undeniable that our expectations have been played with and we've been strung along. If this was the plan all along then just put the ****ing Geno costume back in the game with Hero and end our ****ing misery. Let us ****ing rest from this endless speculation and harassment from internet randos and ****ing paid professionals moonlighting as insiders. Whoever's making these decisions up at Nintendo can rot in the deepest pit in hell for playing with the emotions of this fanbase and letting us be the whipping boys of an entire community. Thinking about it, hell's probably too nice of a place for them.
I hope Wynn is riding high right about now, he's a king and should be exalted like one.
And why do I want to throw Ultimate in the garbage and delete my account? Because Smash has changed. The future I imagined back in Melee was one in which Nintendo characters and maybe third party characters relevant to Nintendo's storied history would be added in droves to make this perfect dream fighting game... But we've gotten almost the exact opposite. Characters that mean nothing to Nintendo and in some cases have barely appeared on a Nintendo console get added in and the world goes ape**** for them, just a byproduct of the corruption of the wish that everyone liked video games.
As it stands right now, I look at the roster and it makes me *ing angry. Who the hell is Bayonetta? Corrin? Piranha Plant? Incineroar? Joker? Byleth? Why the hell did someone photoshop Minecraft Steve onto this character select screen and make me accept it as real? I just can't with this *. The pandemic has robbed me of the joys that Smash brought into my life and they can't be replaced with the shoddy online, and even when it inevitably ends and things can return to normal, the damage of the character picks is going to remain. The world is give and take, and I feel like all I've gotten is the "take" half of it. All I have to look forward to in the Smash section of my life is going back to a tournament in which a bunch of zoomers are playing ****ing Steve and Sans Undertale and I've gotten a big fat goose egg when it comes to characters I want that can balance out this nightmare. I don't want to suffer hearing Steve's victory screen when I can't move that cursor on the character select screen over to someone that I genuinely begged to have added to the game. I just don't want to put up with it. Again, if you can't understand my sentiments here, whatever, you just won't ever understand it.
I just want to put all of this behind me and pretend I never cared. I'm tired of losing and I'd rather pretend that I won.