Any Good Jokes?

[Fiend's_Knee]

As you should..these were nasty rather then funny..infact, never tell these again. *Not offending/trolling you*

Agreed, I regretted posting them and I will now replace them with a more suitable joke, if you looked at the disclaimer you would know how I feel about them, also can you do me a favour and delete the quote of me so these jokes can't be seen anymore, thanks

 

[GreenKirby]

A guy, holding a duck, walks into a bar.
Ouch!
Quack!

Three guys are walking down the street . They're were minding their own business until a raper/murderer criminal stops them. The criminal said "If your 3 ***** add up to 15 inches, I'll let you go freely". The first guy, we'll call him Fred, unzips and pulls out his ****, the criminal gets his ruler out and measures it. It was 8 inches. The second guy , Tom, climbs out of the car pulls out his **** and it is 6 inches. The third guy, Jeff, pulls out his ****, it was 1 inch. The criminal says "Ok guys your free to go, but next time I'll make it 16 inches". On the way home Tom says "God we were lucky he was nice for a maniac", and Jeff says "God we were lucky I had a boner".

 

[MojoMan]

So a blonde is watching Tv with a red head. they see someone about to jump off a building. The redhead said "I bet you 5 bucks he'll jump". The blonde took up th e bet, and he jumped. But the red head felt bad, and said "I saw that on last night's tv. I knew he was going to jump'. Then the blonde says "so did i, i never thought that he would do it again!"

 

[Overload]

Oh man these jokes are too good.
I have one:
A guy is sleeping in his home one night when he hears something outside in his shed. So he calls up the police and says "I think someone is in my shed, can you send someone over?" The lady says "Sorry, nobody is available right now, but if you hang tight I will send someone over as soon as someone becomes available." The guy hangs up, waits a minute or two, calls back and says "Don't worry, you don't have to send anyone over anymore." The lady asks "Why?" He says "I went out and shot them dead." She hangs up the phone and within two minutes there a cop cars, and ambulances at the guy's house. They rush into the shed only to find the guys are still alive, and they arrest them. The cops say "I thought you said you shot them dead?" The guy goes "I thought you said nobody was available?"

this one is too long to post: http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/longest-joke-ever.html

 

[Creo]

A guy, holding a duck, walks into a bar.
Ouch!
Quack!

Three guys are walking down the street . They're were minding their own business until a raper/murderer criminal stops them. The criminal said "If your 3 ***** add up to 15 inches, I'll let you go freely". The first guy, we'll call him Fred, unzips and pulls out his ****, the criminal gets his ruler out and measures it. It was 8 inches. The second guy , Tom, climbs out of the car pulls out his **** and it is 6 inches. The third guy, Jeff, pulls out his ****, it was 1 inch. The criminal says "Ok guys your free to go, but next time I'll make it 16 inches". On the way home Tom says "God we were lucky he was nice for a maniac", and Jeff says "God we were lucky I had a boner".

I laughed hard (pun not i
ntended) at this..very nice!

That longest joke ever was kind of a good story..KINDA!

 

[Omis]

I laughed hard (pun not i
ntended) at this..very nice!

That longest joke ever was kind of a good story..KINDA!

Well spent thirty minutes.

 

[Creo]

Well spent thirty minutes.

Yeah I know...>_>

Person1: Why did the chicken... CROSS THE ROAD!?

Person2: ..to get to the other side..(?)

Person1: CUZ IT WAS TOO FAR TO FLY!

*First person to figure out where I got this get's +2 rep!*

 

[plasmawisp6633]

A bear and a rabbit are walking in the woods. And they come across a Genie. The Genie says:

I will grant you both three wishes.

The bear grins and says, "I wish I was the only male bear in the entire forest."

*Granted*

The rabbit thinks for a second and says, "I wish for a helmet."

*Granted, a helmet is placed on his head*

The bear goes next, grins wider and says, "I wish I were the only male bear on the entire continent."

*Granted*

The rabbit thinks for a moment and says, "I wish I had a motorcycle."

*Granted, a Harley drops in front of him*

The bear, in his euphoria shouts, "I wish I was the only male bear in the entire WORLD."

*Granted*

The rabbit, expressionless, says

Spoiler

"I wish the bear was gay."

 

[TheSundanceKid]

What's an easy way to kill a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of a pool....

<.< >,>

 

[Moy]

Two blonde jokes:

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!
__________________________

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

 

[TheSundanceKid]

A Blonde Decides To Try Horseback Riding, Even Though She Has Had No Lessons Or Prior Experience. She Mounts The Horse Unassisted And It Immediately Springs Into Motion. It Gallops Along At A Steady And Rhythmic Pace, But The Blonde Begins To Slip From The Saddle. In Terror, She Grabs For The Horse''s Mane, But Cannot Seem To Get A Firm Grip.

She Tries To Throw Her Arms Around The Horse''s Neck, But She Slides Down The Side Of The Horse Anyway. The Horse Gallops Along, Seemingly Ignorant Of Its Slipping Rider.

Finally, Giving Up Her Frail Grip, The Blonde Attempts To Leap Away From The Horse And Throw Herself To Safety. Unfortunately, Her Foot Becomes Entangled In The Stirrup, And She Is Now At The Mercy Of The Horse's Pounding Hooves As Her Head Is Struck Against The Ground Over And Over.

She Starts To Lose Consciousness, But To Her Great Fortune, Bobby, The Wal-mart Greeter, Sees Her And Unplugs The Horse.

Lmao!! That One Is So Good!

 

[LinkSpecialist]

(I forgot where I read this from but....)

There are 3 kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those that can't.

 

[GreenKirby]

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

 

[TheDuplexDuo]

Jokes eh? The ol' one two are my favourites. Get ready to ROFFLE at questionable jokes!

What do you call a smart blond?

Spoiler

A labrador.

How do you get a fat gal' into bed?

Spoiler

Piece of Cake.

What do you call a blonde with brain cells?

Spoiler

Pregnant

Why wouldn't the Jewish Canninbal eat the dead German?

Spoiler

Becouse Germans give him gas.

How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?

Spoiler

She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can't find her cigarette.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Spoiler

Mega-saur-A$$

How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler

Only one, but you won't want it back. *Wink Wink*

How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler

Three, one to screw it in and the others to say how "FABULOUS" it looks.

How many abstract artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler

Giraffe .

​

 

[Overload]

How many abstract artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler

Giraffe .

​

I lol'd.
__________________________________________________________________________
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

 

[Muzga]

whats the difference beetween a blonde and a brick?


Once you lay a brick, it doesnt follow you around!
Zing!

 

[Greenstreet]

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

i like it alot.

 

[Moy]

Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?

They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.

 

[Deleted member]

A guy died and went to Heaven. St. Paul told that he was allowed to enter the gates to Heaven. Then the guy asked what Hell looked like. St. Paul didn't know, so he pointed the guy to an elevato to Hell. The elevator would go all the way down to Hell, open up, and stay open for five minutes. The guy was told to not leave the elevator.

So the elevator went down, the guy poked his head out, and he looked around. Five minutes later, the elevator doors closed and came back up. The guy came out and started walking towards the gates.

Just then, St. Paul asked what Hell looked like. Said the guy, "It was kinda cold, probably frozen over."

St. Paul gasped, adding, "Oh, crap, did Pikafan become a mod at Smash World Forums?"

 

[TheSundanceKid]

In America, you can always find a party.
In Soviet Russia, Party finds you!

lol...I read that today

 

[Greenstreet]

i've heard that pharmacist one in the paper.

 

[Vyse]

So three friends are out hunting in the woods when one of them slips over and cracks his head open on a rock.

Of course the first thing to do would be to ring the emergency services, so one of his friends took out a cell phone and called them.

"Hello! I think my friend is dead!" he blurted out in exasperation.

The person on the other end replied, "Okay okay, now the first thing you need to do is make sure he's dead".

The operator was about to explain more when suddenly the sound of a loud shotgun blast rang through the receiver.

"Okay now what?"

 

[brod1986]

What's worse than ten dead babies nailed to a telephone pole?










One dead baby nailed to ten telephone poles.

Normaly I find gross jokes funny, this just made me feel sad.

 

[i1337]

How do you know if an Asian person has robbed your home?

Your homework's done, all your rice is gone, and your car is in a ditch behind your house.


Kind of racist....but I still find it funny

 

[F1r3w0lf]

St. Peter is explaining how things work in Heaven to 2 guys who have just died:
"Okay, your life in heaven is based on how good you were on Earth. First guy, how good were you?"
Guy1: "I only cheated on my wife once"
St. Peter: "OK, we'll give you this Lamborghini because we like you."
so the guy takes the Lambo and drives off into Heaven.
St. Peter: "Okay, how good were you?"
Guy 2: "I cheated on my wife 3 times."
He gets an old beat up lemon
Guy 1 is driving through Heaven and sees Guy 2 at a stoplight crying, Guy 1 pulls up to him and asks
"Why are you crying?"
"I saw my wife, and she was on a skateboard!"
_____________________________________________________________________________________

St. Peter: OK guys, you're in, but just for the record, how did you die?
Guy 1: Well, I came home one night and saw another pair of shoes in the entry, and I think my wife is cheating on me, so I search the house and find fingers hanging from the balcony. I say "I've got you now! and step on the guy's fingers. But he bounces off an awning and lands in a park across the street. So I get the refrigerator and throw it off the balcony, it bounces off the awning and lands on the guy. I laugh so hard I have a heart attack and die.
Guy 2: I was washing windows, but I slipped and grabbed onto a balcony. Then some psycho comes and steps on my fingers. Luckily I bounced off an awning and landed across the street. Then a bloodstained refrigerator lands on me!
Guy 3: I was just hiding in a refrigerator!

 

[KirbyKaze]

I'm running my few jokes thin with the people I tell them to every so often. Does anyone have any of those jokes you just tell to people and they are GENUINELY funny?

in b4 this thread or similar answer

 

[LÉØN]

where to fortune tellers go to dance

Spoiler

the CRYSTAL ball

 

[GreenKirby]

Osama died and was escorted by arch angel Micheal into Heaven. Micheal told him something and Osama went along his own merrily way.

There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" says Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!"

Micheal replies "I told you there would be 72 VIRIGIANS waiting for you...
What the hell did you think I said?

 

[The Executive]

A guy walks into a bar.


Ouch.

 

[Cyndi]

Two fish are swimming. One runs into a cement wall and yells: "Dam!"

 

[The Executive]

Chuck Norris is the only person in the history of mankind to successfully rickroll God.

 

[brod1986]

Been to see my new friends baby today. She asked if i wanted to wind it. Thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave it a dead leg!

 

[The Executive]

The Wii.

Spoiler

lololol

 

[OmegaXXII]

Well this one guy asks a chick at a bar "what two letters in the alphabet should go out together"? he says: "U and I". meh...

 

[Omis]

Funny joke pickup line

I'm a pirate looking for treasure, can I search your chest?

 

[The Executive]

Actually, my favorite pirate pickup line is prepare to be boarded.

 

[Nintendood]

how many irish people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


4

One to hold the lightbulb and three to drink till the room spins.

 

[Muzga]

booty ahoy!

 

[Xanthyr]

How do you know if you have a drummer at your door?

He keeps knocking faster and faster

How do you know if you have a guitarist at your door?

He has the pizza you ordered

How do you know if you have a singer at your door?

They always lose the key and come in at the wrong times

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

5, one to screw it in, and four to discuss how they are more talented than the first.
5, one to put in the new bulb and four to discuss how the vintage lightbulb was better.

How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, the keyboardist does it with his left hand.

What is the fastest way to break up a band?

Dude, the brew is missing...

How do you know if your stage is perfectly level?

If drool is coming out of both sides of your drummer's mouth.




A duck walks into a hardware store and stares at the clerk.

Clerk- "What can I help you with today?"

Duck- "You got any corn?"

Clerk- "Uh... no, this is a hardware store. We don't have corn."

Without a word, the duck leaves. The very next day, he appears once more and inquires about corn. After the fourth time of this happening, the clerk snaps.

Duck- "You got any corn?"

Clerk- "No, we don't have any corn you stupid P.O.S. duck! I swear if you come in here again I will nail your freakin' feet to the wall!"

The duck leaves, but without fail, makes his presence known. It walks into the store...

Clerk- "Oh GOD no. I'm going to lose my mind duck!"

Duck- "Hey, you got any nails?"

The clerk, very surprised responds much more gracefully,

Clerk- "... Well, actually no, we sold out an hour ago, but this Tuesday we should have a fresh shipment."

Duck- "You got any corn?"

 

[crewster]

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two if they fit.