Zook
Perpetual Lazy Bum
Q: Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
A: Have you seen the size of their fingers...?
A: Have you seen the size of their fingers...?
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Any Good Jokes?
- Thread starter M.K
- Start date
- Status
Tornadith
Smash Journeyman
DEAD BABY JOKE
CAUTION - DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT LIKE THESE JOKES
How many babies can fit in a car?
CAUTION - DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT LIKE THESE JOKES
How many babies can fit in a car?
1,005. Two in the front, three in the back and a thousand in the ashtray.
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.
Worker #1: "Why are we in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is up there in the shade of a tree?"
Worker #2: "I don't know, I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss.
Worker #2: "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"
Boss: "Intelligence."
Worker #2: "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?"
Boss: "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."
The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.
Boss: "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole.
Worker #1: "What did he say?"
Worker #2: "He said we are down here because of intelligence."
Worker #1: "What's intelligence?"
The ditch digger put his hand on his face.
Worker #2: "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
Worker #1: "Why are we in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is up there in the shade of a tree?"
Worker #2: "I don't know, I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss.
Worker #2: "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"
Boss: "Intelligence."
Worker #2: "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?"
Boss: "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."
The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.
Boss: "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole.
Worker #1: "What did he say?"
Worker #2: "He said we are down here because of intelligence."
Worker #1: "What's intelligence?"
The ditch digger put his hand on his face.
Worker #2: "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
Arty
Smash Lord
A plane with 100 passengers was crashing. A woman gets up and says, "Is there anyone on this plane that is going to make me feel like a woman one last time" A man gets up, takes off his shirt, and says, "Here, Iron this."
Ryan Ludovic
Smash Journeyman
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2008
- Messages
- 217
Where does a pirate get his coffee?
StaRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRFGVBUCCKKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssss
:LOLOL<OHMAN!!!!!!!!!!
That's a doooseeeyy
StaRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRFGVBUCCKKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssss
:LOLOL<OHMAN!!!!!!!!!!
That's a doooseeeyy
abit_rusty
Smash Lord
Three famous celebrities: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Denzel Washington, and Beyonce Knowles were having lunch one day. Arnold claimed to be the strongest man on the planet, Denzel claimed to be the sexiest man on earth, and Beyonce claimed to be the most beautiful.
They were having a long drawn out dispute over this until they finally decided to let the infamous Magic Mirror tell them the truth ("Mirror mirror on the wall...yadda yadda"). They agree to meet the following day.
The next day, Arnold comes in with a grin. He says "The mirror tells me I truly am the strongest!"
Beyonce steps in, also smiling, and says "The mirror says I am the most beautiful woman on the planet!"
Dezel comes in with a sad face. He lifts his head and mutters, "Who the **** is abit_rusty??"
They were having a long drawn out dispute over this until they finally decided to let the infamous Magic Mirror tell them the truth ("Mirror mirror on the wall...yadda yadda"). They agree to meet the following day.
The next day, Arnold comes in with a grin. He says "The mirror tells me I truly am the strongest!"
Beyonce steps in, also smiling, and says "The mirror says I am the most beautiful woman on the planet!"
Dezel comes in with a sad face. He lifts his head and mutters, "Who the **** is abit_rusty??"
D
Deleted member
Guest
How 'bout some good ol' blonde jokes?
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
_____________
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
________________
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee."
Okay, I'll stop.
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
_____________
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
________________
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee."
Okay, I'll stop.
marthmaster59
Smash Journeyman
- Joined
- Sep 27, 2008
- Messages
- 225
this is pretty good.but is kind of an inside joke. say "smash debater" outloud. all i could think of.
F1r3w0lf
Smash Apprentice
more dumb blonde jokes:
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead go for a walk. They come to a cliff which they can't get past. They ask a wise man who lives nearby how to go past the cliff. The man tells them that there is a magic log near the cliff, and if they step over it while saying something, they become what they're saying.
The redhead steps over the log and says, "balloon." She turns into a balloon and floats over the cliff.
The brunette steps over the log and says, "bird." She turns into a bird and flies over the cliff.
The blonde trips over the log and says, "crap."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
While driving down the highway, a blonde cuts off a trucker, causing him to rear end her. Both of them step out of their vehicles, the trucker carrying a flamethrower. The trucker burns a circle into the ground and tells the blonde to stand in it. If she stepped out, he would kill her. Then he key scratches her car, and she giggles. He slashes her tires, and she giggles again. Then he smashes her windows, and, once again, the blonde giggles. The trucker asks, "what's so funny?" The blonde replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead go for a walk. They come to a cliff which they can't get past. They ask a wise man who lives nearby how to go past the cliff. The man tells them that there is a magic log near the cliff, and if they step over it while saying something, they become what they're saying.
The redhead steps over the log and says, "balloon." She turns into a balloon and floats over the cliff.
The brunette steps over the log and says, "bird." She turns into a bird and flies over the cliff.
The blonde trips over the log and says, "crap."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
While driving down the highway, a blonde cuts off a trucker, causing him to rear end her. Both of them step out of their vehicles, the trucker carrying a flamethrower. The trucker burns a circle into the ground and tells the blonde to stand in it. If she stepped out, he would kill her. Then he key scratches her car, and she giggles. He slashes her tires, and she giggles again. Then he smashes her windows, and, once again, the blonde giggles. The trucker asks, "what's so funny?" The blonde replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle."
Rhyme
Smash Lord
A lawyer is driving his car home from the court house one day when he is signaled by a police car. He mutters to himself and pulls over. The cop gets out of the car and approaches the lawyer's driver-side window.
Officer: License and registration, please.
Lawyer: Would you mind telling me what it is that I did wrong?
Officer: You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign back there. License and registration.
Lawyer: You can't give me a ticket. I slowed down, I looked both ways.
Officer: It doesn't matter. You have to come to a complete stop, it's the law.
Lawyer: How about this: if you can prove to me that there's a difference between what I did and what you want me to do, then you can write me the ticket. If you can't, you have to let me go free.
Officer: Alright. Please step out of the vehicle, sir.
The lawyer gets out of his car. At this point, the cop takes out his knight stick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer.
Officer: Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?
Officer: License and registration, please.
Lawyer: Would you mind telling me what it is that I did wrong?
Officer: You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign back there. License and registration.
Lawyer: You can't give me a ticket. I slowed down, I looked both ways.
Officer: It doesn't matter. You have to come to a complete stop, it's the law.
Lawyer: How about this: if you can prove to me that there's a difference between what I did and what you want me to do, then you can write me the ticket. If you can't, you have to let me go free.
Officer: Alright. Please step out of the vehicle, sir.
The lawyer gets out of his car. At this point, the cop takes out his knight stick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer.
Officer: Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?
DonQuixote
Smash Apprentice
- Joined
- Aug 15, 2008
- Messages
- 89
haha lol.
ok so these three friends go out clubbing, they get pretty drunk and go home. The next day
they meet up and are talking about the night before.
The first guy says, dude i was so drunk last night when i got home a blew chunks.
The second guy is like pshh thats nothing! When i woke up my nails were painted.
Then the third guys like, thats weak. I woke up in my neighbors garden.
Then the first guy is like... I dont think you guys get it... Chunks is my dog....
D
Deleted member
Guest
I made up these two and they're cheesy:
What's a chip's favorite type of music?
Salsa.
Why did the alcoholic switch is phone service to At&t?
He wanted more bars in more places.
WARNING: VVVVVVV
What do you tell a black jew?
Go to the back of the oven.
WARNING ----------------------
A black person, a doctor , a boyscout, and hilary clinton were all on a plane. The plane started having engine trouble, so the pilot told them, "There are only 3 parachutes on board this plane, so one of you is going to die." The black person said, "My race has been oppressed by you people for years, you have crushed my hopes and dreams, so I deserve a parachute." He grabbed one and jumped off the plane. The doctor says, "I help save lives, and I spent years becoming educated to help change the world. Therefore, I deserve to live." He grabs the secong one and jumps off.
Then Hilary clinton says, "I'm the smartest woman in the world! I have to fight for equality and prove women are equal. I must survive!" So Hilary grabs the last one in jumps off.
Now the boy scout starts crying. the pilot, feeling sorry for him says, "I'm sorry it had to end this way, little guy."
Then the boy scouts says, "The smartest woman in the world just stole my backpack!"
=)
What's a chip's favorite type of music?
Salsa.
Why did the alcoholic switch is phone service to At&t?
He wanted more bars in more places.
WARNING: VVVVVVV
What do you tell a black jew?
Go to the back of the oven.
WARNING ----------------------
A black person, a doctor , a boyscout, and hilary clinton were all on a plane. The plane started having engine trouble, so the pilot told them, "There are only 3 parachutes on board this plane, so one of you is going to die." The black person said, "My race has been oppressed by you people for years, you have crushed my hopes and dreams, so I deserve a parachute." He grabbed one and jumped off the plane. The doctor says, "I help save lives, and I spent years becoming educated to help change the world. Therefore, I deserve to live." He grabs the secong one and jumps off.
Then Hilary clinton says, "I'm the smartest woman in the world! I have to fight for equality and prove women are equal. I must survive!" So Hilary grabs the last one in jumps off.
Now the boy scout starts crying. the pilot, feeling sorry for him says, "I'm sorry it had to end this way, little guy."
Then the boy scouts says, "The smartest woman in the world just stole my backpack!"
=)
Ryan Ludovic
Smash Journeyman
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2008
- Messages
- 217
I love jokes where hillary clinton dies at the end
A man drives over his wife with a car. Whose fault is it?
The man's. He shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen.
The man's. He shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen.
Oracle
Smash Master
So an Irish man walks out of a bar.
Brawl > Melee.
Blooqkazoo
Smash Journeyman
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2008
- Messages
- 292
Pudding!
HA! He said pudding.
I got nothing....
HA! He said pudding.
I got nothing....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJCz4sQYSRI
Biggest joke and disgrace to true Death metal and Metal in general.
Tossed out joke
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6iNK9zqaRs
My favourite band that turned into a Emo Metalcore joke
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RPkED8Y0sQ
My life sucks.
Biggest joke and disgrace to true Death metal and Metal in general.
Tossed out joke
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6iNK9zqaRs
My favourite band that turned into a Emo Metalcore joke
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RPkED8Y0sQ
My life sucks.
Blooqkazoo
Smash Journeyman
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2008
- Messages
- 292
Oh wait, you know what's funny?
BRAWLGASM!! HAHAHAHA
No, it is one of the worst videos I have seen on YouTube.
BRAWLGASM!! HAHAHAHA
No, it is one of the worst videos I have seen on YouTube.
notftomearth7
Smash Lord
Two guys walk into a bar....
the other ducked
the other ducked
urdailywater
Smash Hero
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2008
- Messages
- 5,563
So three men are talking about how stupid their wives are.
1st man: My wifes so stupid, she bought a toilet and we don't have any indoor plumbing.
2nd man: Well, my wifes so stupid she bought a lightbulb and we don't even have any electricity.
3rd man: My wife has both of yall's beat. She bought a condom and she doesn't even have a *****.
1st man: My wifes so stupid, she bought a toilet and we don't have any indoor plumbing.
2nd man: Well, my wifes so stupid she bought a lightbulb and we don't even have any electricity.
3rd man: My wife has both of yall's beat. She bought a condom and she doesn't even have a *****.
The Sauce Boss
Smash Ace
two muffins are baking inside of an oven. The first muffin says "man its hot in here!", the second muffin says "Holy crap a talking muffin!".
How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?
The hot dogs taste like crap.
A blond, brunette, and red head die and go to heaven. God says "We're a bit tight on space, so only one of you can live, we'll have 2 stages, laugh at the joke in each, and you go to hell". So they approach the first stage, and God tells the joke. The redhead laughed, and she is thrown of the staircase in to hell. The next stage, the brunette laughs, the same fate is given to her. God and the blond approach the door to heaven. "Congratulations, you've made it to heaven" God says. The blond starts laughing. God asks her, "Why are you laughing?" The blond says, "I just got the first joke".
The hot dogs taste like crap.
A blond, brunette, and red head die and go to heaven. God says "We're a bit tight on space, so only one of you can live, we'll have 2 stages, laugh at the joke in each, and you go to hell". So they approach the first stage, and God tells the joke. The redhead laughed, and she is thrown of the staircase in to hell. The next stage, the brunette laughs, the same fate is given to her. God and the blond approach the door to heaven. "Congratulations, you've made it to heaven" God says. The blond starts laughing. God asks her, "Why are you laughing?" The blond says, "I just got the first joke".
Ooooooooooooh careful now!
Matt
Banned via Administration
*si gh*
- Status