I was born to a drug-addled mother, who callously tossed me into a nearby dumpster after birthing me. So, alone, riddled with various drugs of all kinds, and cold, I did the only thing I could do: I cried.
I soon realized, however, that crying wasn't helping my situation, and I was rapidly coming ever closer to a cold, frozen death. Knowing this, I proceeded to physically beat the drugs out of my bloodstream with my tiny, yet powerful fists. I then ate my way through the plastic roof of the dumpster I was in, and warmed myself up with a light cross-country jog.
As I reached the Rocky Mountains, I suddenly found myself surrounded by hungry wolves. I managed to crush several of their skulls, but, tired as I was from my voyage, they eventually overpowered me. My still-soft cranium was literally inside the jaws of the pack leader when my first parents: Aslan, Bagheera, and Mufasa. The three mountain lions swiftly drove away the remaining wolves, and were about to claim their reward (my broken, bloody body)...but they sensed the pure, unfiltered greatness present within me, and, rather than consuming me, placed me on their shoulders and carried me back to their mountainside cave.
And so, for the next three years, I was raised in the most wild reaches of the Rocky Mountain Range, learning the ways of the world: hunting and preying on the weak, emitting feral screams to attract a mate, being only active near dusk and dawn, and (perhaps most importantly) being a combat helicopter.
However, it was not meant to be. One day, my adopted parents were all cruelly shot by local hunters. Only Mufasa managed to limp back to our cave, where I cradled him in my small, but already powerful arms, tears of pure love rolling down my cheeks. I believe I gave him some level of solace in his final moments.
The next day, I assassinated every man, woman and child in the area who has or had ever owned a hunting license, a rifle, camouflage pants, or who had in their life used the word "sport" in reference to the cold, inhuman act of taking another living thing's life for nothing but the sheer, barbaric thrill.
And so, with nothing left for me in the Rockies, I continued on in my quest, turning north, and eventually making my way to the Canadian outback.
/////
One day, I was casually eating my fill of the Caribou herd I had, moments before, brought down using nothing but a single pebble, when a large Grizzly Bear approached me, obviously looking for his next meal. I stood my ground, and as he approached, so did I.
During our epic, mortal struggle, the sheer force of will present within me contacted the bear's spirit, and instantly, we knew each other. While tending my fresh gouge wounds in a nearby stream, I learned my new parent's name: Wojtek. He had been the subject of several Canadian Government-funded experiments, resulting in him being bereft in a total, unending state of starvation; no matter how much Wojtek ate, he never could satiate himself. So, compassion filling my tiny, four-year frame, I devoted myself to helping him.
And so I hunted. Over the course of the next seven years, I made myself known across the country as "The Windigo", though of course, I was only a small boy at this time. Of course, I was uneducated in the ways of numbers, so had no notion at the time of how many animals I defeated in single combat for Wojtek's sake, but looking back, I would say...anywhere from five to seventy-eight hundred thousand.
At the end of this bloody, noble trail lay the Canadian Scientist's Headquarters, also known as "Mount Villainy". I climbed the jagged, sulfurous cliffs of that accursed rock for five days, never resting--for below me was Wojtek, barely alive and on his own: I had to do this as fast as possible. I infiltrated their foul lair, and found the anitdote to the illness afflicting my pitiable foster father. However, the Canadians discovered me on my way out, and I was forced into combat against an elite sect of Canada's greatest fighters: the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. When all was said and done, I limped out of the laboratory, bullet and saber wounds all across my battered body. One had even managed to gouge out one of my eyes with a hook mounted on a stump, where I presume a hand once was.
Despite my great cause, I found I could not maintain consciousness any longer. As I crested the summit, I passed out, cursing myself for failing at the task set before me...
/////
...Yet soon, I awoke: a cool breeze awakening me from my rest. I felt beneath me, and my hand touched against enormous, silken feathers. Yes, I was being held aloft on the back of a tremendous golden eagle. I reached out with my pure, most bare of emotions to the creature, telling her of Wojtek's plight.
...But, to my utter despair, she informed me that Wojtek had perished at the base of Mount Villainy. Her name was Aquila, and her nine siblings, Corvus, Flint, Cygnus, Huginn and Muginn, Simurgh, Mynah, and Old Great Auk, were on their way to Wojtek's aid on the command of the Bird King, Phoenix. But alas and alack, they arrived too late. Perhaps due to my leading him around the countryside, he was without the aid of the birdfolk.
I have always...blamed myself for that, I suppose.
With nothing to be done for poor Wojtek, I swore vengeance against the Royal Canadian Mountain Police, and continued East with my new, feathered family.
/////
I did not stay with the eagles for long, though. As we were flying over Tennesee, Huginn and Muginn attempted to steal the eyes from my sockets as I slept atop Old Great Auk's back. They held no alleigance to me or my journey, and so I do not blame them for this: it is only the natural law that when a thing is hungry, it must eat.
...However, it is also the way of the world that only the strongest survive. And so, reacting like barbed lightning, I arose, and tore the tongues from my attacker's gizzards, sending them both into uncontrollable, pain-induced free falls. I could immediately tell how well this went over with the other birds, and so I leapt from Auk's wing, pummeting to the ground hundreds of miles below me.
It is never a good idea to let oneself be surrounded by wrathful servants of the Bird King.
Handily, I had learned much from Aquila of the ways of flight, and though I possessed no wings, I used my knowledge to directionally influence myself toward a giant red and white speck, miles below me. As I reached terminal velocity, and the terrible inertia began to peel the very flesh from my bones, I again could not hold out, and I saw black.
When I awoke, I was staring up into the murderous eyes of an enormous African Elephant, or loxodonta africana, as they say in the West. Before he had the chance to gore or trample me, I sprung to my feet and delivered a kick so fierce it could shatter the trunk of a full-grown Redwood tree (and indeed, during my time in the North, it had done so, on several occasions) to the beast's head...but to my complete amazement, it bucked me away but with a brush of it's head! Suddenly and horrifyingly, I knew fear. For the first time in my life, I truly did not know whether I would be the victor of this contest of strength.
...Amazingly, though I no longer held any conception of victory, the thing did not approach me. It merely eyed me up, from head to toe several times, then, deciding something, turned to leave. With this relief, I examined my surroundings for the first time since arriving in this foreign locale. I discovered I had landed on the top of a giant circus tent, which would explain how all my bones were not of dust at this point. But I had little time to ponder the past, as my immortal warrior's soul was calling to me.
Thus, I was trained. My master, Orwell, was a fine teacher indeed. Raised on the barren plains of the Savannah, he had been born weak and alone, much like myself. He had spent most of his time there migrating from herd to herd, never fully accepted, and often physically assaulted for his ignoble origins and lowly station. But through it all, he never gave in, eventually defeating the Bull of a rival tribe in single combat, and thus becoming their herdmaster. For fifty years, he and his tribe roamed the Great Plains, conquering all and sparing none in their paths. He sired countless calves, and those he did not approve of were swiftly exiled. Like me, he held dearly to the Ways of the World. However, one day, while he was away on an expedition, black-suited men with loud, booming sticks and red, maple leaves on their backs came and destroyed his entire clan, stealing their proud tusks, not allowing even for a respectful burial. Enraged, Orwell took to the coast, hounding the men in black. Though they boarded their iron fish before he could catch them, he could see the way they traveled, and so, with a deep breath of the African air he loved more than life itself, he plunged beneath the waves, and ran along the Ocean's floor toward a new, alien world.
Once there, he was tired from his journey, and so laid down beneath a tall tree for rest. But--the fiends!--they ambushed him while he slept! He awoke, and crushed many underfoot, and his tusks were lined with bodies that day, but through sheer numbers and a traitorous tranquilizing poison, they brought him to his knees, and carried him off to their stronghold.
...Thankfully, he escaped: breaking out of the belly of their giant iron snake, he rampaged his way south until he found a lonely, secluded stretch of open land. It reminded him of his homeland, and that was good. For seven days and seven nights he wept for those lost to him. He would never see them again.
And so, when the circus came and erected their giant shelters, Orwell approached them. At first, they panicked, but in time, they came to accept him. Ever since, he had stayed with the group as they toured the country, performing for humans from all walks of life. It was not a dignified life, he told me, but a simple one. One deserving of a man who could not protect those closest to him.
/////
Under his tutelage, I learned much. In the span of a single year, I became a rival even to his great strength, and began to finally integrate myself into the world of man--through my performances in the circus as "The Whild Child", I learned the human tongue, and even made several "friends". In time, though, this was our downfall. Word spread of our famed performances, which eventually attracted the very same forces that had stolen so much from both my and Orwell's lives...
One fateful day, during the highlight act of our performance, Orwell toppled to the ground. I rushed to his side, but he batted me away with his trunk as he regained his footing. It was then I saw the enormous needle protruding from the side of his head. Furthermore, I finally noticed how oddly quiet the crowd had been, and looking out past the glare of the stage lights, I saw not a normal crowd--but the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. They had come to reclaim what was not theirs! I gave a roar that would enrapture even the coldest of puma vixens, and lunged toward my sworn enemies, but my way was suddenly blocked by Orwell's hulking body, which shuddered as a second salvo of poisoned darts punctured his thick hide. I knew what he was doing, but would not accept it--he was all that I had left.
...But, against my dearest wishes, he lifted me, kicking and screaming, in his trunk, trundled outside the tent, with every step being more harried as more and more Canadian venom assaulted his old body...and threw me into the sky with all of his remaining strength.
/////
I spent the following day, and part of the night soaring through the air, tears lashing their way off my face, falling behind me into my windstream. I beat my chest, gnashed my teeth, pulled my hair, and tore my flesh in penitence: once again, I had not been able to stand up and deliver justice, as a man should.
/////
I finally began to lose altitude as I came over the Atlantic Ocean, the same one Orwell had traveled on his road of revenge. After ricocheting off the surface of the waves for several miles, I was finally able to obtain my sea legs...or lack thereof. This was my first experience with the ocean, and I lacked Orwell's powerful elephantine lungs, so had no hope of walking back to shore. I though for sure I would perish, broken and alone, out there in the Great, Uncaring Blue...when something large and smooth wrapped itself around my leg. In a flurry of rushing water and coursing foam, I was pulled under, and found myself face to face with a truly gigantic creature--at least ten times the size of my now-deceased master! It's hundred arms grabbed me from all sides and tore at me, intent on breaking me open like some crude chestnut. But I would not have this. There was still much evil for me to cleanse in this world, and so I held off the monster's fatal embrace, making my body as steel. Apparently surprised at this turn of events, the leviathan brought me to the surface, and, in what seemed the blink of an eye, brought me to a nearby, remote and uninhabited island.
I learned the kraken's name: Jormungandr, and since then (this was roughly four months ago, mind) have been peacefully enjoying my time on the same island, which I have named "Chief Mendez's Island". As I have not yet been able to communicate effectively with Jormungandr (and indeed, he rarely is around to attempt communication with), I have had nothing to do with myself but lie around, tend the fertile land of Chief Mendez's Island, and hang out on SWF with all my pals (using my wind-powered laptop made of sand and hermit crabs).
But one day soon, I will taste revenge. I will hunt down the red-leaf'd demons that stole my parents from me, and I will tear them limb from limb with my bear hands. The Earth will run red with blood. The accumulated filth of all their murder will foam up about their waists and all those *******s will look up and shout "Save us!"...
...and I will look down, and whisper "No."
/////
Aside from the kraken (whom I now reside with), all of my parents have at one point tried to devour me alive. Only constant vigilance and devotion to my martial studies have kept me alive this long.
Yes, it has been a harrowing journey. But I have survived. And I am all the stronger for it.
I was born to a drug-addled mother, who callously tossed me into a nearby dumpster after birthing me. So, alone, riddled with various drugs of all kinds, and cold, I did the only thing I could do: I cried.
I soon realized, however, that crying wasn't helping my situation, and I was rapidly coming ever closer to a cold, frozen death. Knowing this, I proceeded to physically beat the drugs out of my bloodstream with my tiny, yet powerful fists. I then ate my way through the plastic roof of the dumpster I was in, and warmed myself up with a light cross-country jog.
As I reached the Rocky Mountains, I suddenly found myself surrounded by hungry wolves. I managed to crush several of their skulls, but, tired as I was from my voyage, they eventually overpowered me. My still-soft cranium was literally inside the jaws of the pack leader when my first parents: Aslan, Bagheera, and Mufasa. The three mountain lions swiftly drove away the remaining wolves, and were about to claim their reward (my broken, bloody body)...but they sensed the pure, unfiltered greatness present within me, and, rather than consuming me, placed me on their shoulders and carried me back to their mountainside cave.
And so, for the next three years, I was raised in the most wild reaches of the Rocky Mountain Range, learning the ways of the world: hunting and preying on the weak, emitting feral screams to attract a mate, being only active near dusk and dawn, and (perhaps most importantly) being a combat helicopter.
However, it was not meant to be. One day, my adopted parents were all cruelly shot by local hunters. Only Mufasa managed to limp back to our cave, where I cradled him in my small, but already powerful arms, tears of pure love rolling down my cheeks. I believe I gave him some level of solace in his final moments.
The next day, I assassinated every man, woman and child in the area who has or had ever owned a hunting license, a rifle, camouflage pants, or who had in their life used the word "sport" in reference to the cold, inhuman act of taking another living thing's life for nothing but the sheer, barbaric thrill.
And so, with nothing left for me in the Rockies, I continued on in my quest, turning north, and eventually making my way to the Canadian outback.
/////
One day, I was casually eating my fill of the Caribou herd I had, moments before, brought down using nothing but a single pebble, when a large Grizzly Bear approached me, obviously looking for his next meal. I stood my ground, and as he approached, so did I.
During our epic, mortal struggle, the sheer force of will present within me contacted the bear's spirit, and instantly, we knew each other. While tending my fresh gouge wounds in a nearby stream, I learned my new parent's name: Wojtek. He had been the subject of several Canadian Government-funded experiments, resulting in him being bereft in a total, unending state of starvation; no matter how much Wojtek ate, he never could satiate himself. So, compassion filling my tiny, four-year frame, I devoted myself to helping him.
And so I hunted. Over the course of the next seven years, I made myself known across the country as "The Windigo", though of course, I was only a small boy at this time. Of course, I was uneducated in the ways of numbers, so had no notion at the time of how many animals I defeated in single combat for Wojtek's sake, but looking back, I would say...anywhere from five to seventy-eight hundred thousand.
At the end of this bloody, noble trail lay the Canadian Scientist's Headquarters, also known as "Mount Villainy". I climbed the jagged, sulfurous cliffs of that accursed rock for five days, never resting--for below me was Wojtek, barely alive and on his own: I had to do this as fast as possible. I infiltrated their foul lair, and found the anitdote to the illness afflicting my pitiable foster father. However, the Canadians discovered me on my way out, and I was forced into combat against an elite sect of Canada's greatest fighters: the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. When all was said and done, I limped out of the laboratory, bullet and saber wounds all across my battered body. One had even managed to gouge out one of my eyes with a hook mounted on a stump, where I presume a hand once was.
Despite my great cause, I found I could not maintain consciousness any longer. As I crested the summit, I passed out, cursing myself for failing at the task set before me...
/////
...Yet soon, I awoke: a cool breeze awakening me from my rest. I felt beneath me, and my hand touched against enormous, silken feathers. Yes, I was being held aloft on the back of a tremendous golden eagle. I reached out with my pure, most bare of emotions to the creature, telling her of Wojtek's plight.
...But, to my utter despair, she informed me that Wojtek had perished at the base of Mount Villainy. Her name was Aquila, and her nine siblings, Corvus, Flint, Cygnus, Huginn and Muginn, Simurgh, Mynah, and Old Great Auk, were on their way to Wojtek's aid on the command of the Bird King, Phoenix. But alas and alack, they arrived too late. Perhaps due to my leading him around the countryside, he was without the aid of the birdfolk.
I have always...blamed myself for that, I suppose.
With nothing to be done for poor Wojtek, I swore vengeance against the Royal Canadian Mountain Police, and continued East with my new, feathered family.
/////
I did not stay with the eagles for long, though. As we were flying over Tennesee, Huginn and Muginn attempted to steal the eyes from my sockets as I slept atop Old Great Auk's back. They held no alleigance to me or my journey, and so I do not blame them for this: it is only the natural law that when a thing is hungry, it must eat.
...However, it is also the way of the world that only the strongest survive. And so, reacting like barbed lightning, I arose, and tore the tongues from my attacker's gizzards, sending them both into uncontrollable, pain-induced free falls. I could immediately tell how well this went over with the other birds, and so I leapt from Auk's wing, pummeting to the ground hundreds of miles below me.
It is never a good idea to let oneself be surrounded by wrathful servants of the Bird King.
Handily, I had learned much from Aquila of the ways of flight, and though I possessed no wings, I used my knowledge to directionally influence myself toward a giant red and white speck, miles below me. As I reached terminal velocity, and the terrible inertia began to peel the very flesh from my bones, I again could not hold out, and I saw black.
When I awoke, I was staring up into the murderous eyes of an enormous African Elephant, or loxodonta africana, as they say in the West. Before he had the chance to gore or trample me, I sprung to my feet and delivered a kick so fierce it could shatter the trunk of a full-grown Redwood tree (and indeed, during my time in the North, it had done so, on several occasions) to the beast's head...but to my complete amazement, it bucked me away but with a brush of it's head! Suddenly and horrifyingly, I knew fear. For the first time in my life, I truly did not know whether I would be the victor of this contest of strength.
...Amazingly, though I no longer held any conception of victory, the thing did not approach me. It merely eyed me up, from head to toe several times, then, deciding something, turned to leave. With this relief, I examined my surroundings for the first time since arriving in this foreign locale. I discovered I had landed on the top of a giant circus tent, which would explain how all my bones were not of dust at this point. But I had little time to ponder the past, as my immortal warrior's soul was calling to me.
Thus, I was trained. My master, Orwell, was a fine teacher indeed. Raised on the barren plains of the Savannah, he had been born weak and alone, much like myself. He had spent most of his time there migrating from herd to herd, never fully accepted, and often physically assaulted for his ignoble origins and lowly station. But through it all, he never gave in, eventually defeating the Bull of a rival tribe in single combat, and thus becoming their herdmaster. For fifty years, he and his tribe roamed the Great Plains, conquering all and sparing none in their paths. He sired countless calves, and those he did not approve of were swiftly exiled. Like me, he held dearly to the Ways of the World. However, one day, while he was away on an expedition, black-suited men with loud, booming sticks and red, maple leaves on their backs came and destroyed his entire clan, stealing their proud tusks, not allowing even for a respectful burial. Enraged, Orwell took to the coast, hounding the men in black. Though they boarded their iron fish before he could catch them, he could see the way they traveled, and so, with a deep breath of the African air he loved more than life itself, he plunged beneath the waves, and ran along the Ocean's floor toward a new, alien world.
Once there, he was tired from his journey, and so laid down beneath a tall tree for rest. But--the fiends!--they ambushed him while he slept! He awoke, and crushed many underfoot, and his tusks were lined with bodies that day, but through sheer numbers and a traitorous tranquilizing poison, they brought him to his knees, and carried him off to their stronghold.
...Thankfully, he escaped: breaking out of the belly of their giant iron snake, he rampaged his way south until he found a lonely, secluded stretch of open land. It reminded him of his homeland, and that was good. For seven days and seven nights he wept for those lost to him. He would never see them again.
And so, when the circus came and erected their giant shelters, Orwell approached them. At first, they panicked, but in time, they came to accept him. Ever since, he had stayed with the group as they toured the country, performing for humans from all walks of life. It was not a dignified life, he told me, but a simple one. One deserving of a man who could not protect those closest to him.
/////
Under his tutelage, I learned much. In the span of a single year, I became a rival even to his great strength, and began to finally integrate myself into the world of man--through my performances in the circus as "The Whild Child", I learned the human tongue, and even made several "friends". In time, though, this was our downfall. Word spread of our famed performances, which eventually attracted the very same forces that had stolen so much from both my and Orwell's lives...
One fateful day, during the highlight act of our performance, Orwell toppled to the ground. I rushed to his side, but he batted me away with his trunk as he regained his footing. It was then I saw the enormous needle protruding from the side of his head. Furthermore, I finally noticed how oddly quiet the crowd had been, and looking out past the glare of the stage lights, I saw not a normal crowd--but the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. They had come to reclaim what was not theirs! I gave a roar that would enrapture even the coldest of puma vixens, and lunged toward my sworn enemies, but my way was suddenly blocked by Orwell's hulking body, which shuddered as a second salvo of poisoned darts punctured his thick hide. I knew what he was doing, but would not accept it--he was all that I had left.
...But, against my dearest wishes, he lifted me, kicking and screaming, in his trunk, trundled outside the tent, with every step being more harried as more and more Canadian venom assaulted his old body...and threw me into the sky with all of his remaining strength.
/////
I spent the following day, and part of the night soaring through the air, tears lashing their way off my face, falling behind me into my windstream. I beat my chest, gnashed my teeth, pulled my hair, and tore my flesh in penitence: once again, I had not been able to stand up and deliver justice, as a man should.
/////
I finally began to lose altitude as I came over the Atlantic Ocean, the same one Orwell had traveled on his road of revenge. After ricocheting off the surface of the waves for several miles, I was finally able to obtain my sea legs...or lack thereof. This was my first experience with the ocean, and I lacked Orwell's powerful elephantine lungs, so had no hope of walking back to shore. I though for sure I would perish, broken and alone, out there in the Great, Uncaring Blue...when something large and smooth wrapped itself around my leg. In a flurry of rushing water and coursing foam, I was pulled under, and found myself face to face with a truly gigantic creature--at least ten times the size of my now-deceased master! It's hundred arms grabbed me from all sides and tore at me, intent on breaking me open like some crude chestnut. But I would not have this. There was still much evil for me to cleanse in this world, and so I held off the monster's fatal embrace, making my body as steel. Apparently surprised at this turn of events, the leviathan brought me to the surface, and, in what seemed the blink of an eye, brought me to a nearby, remote and uninhabited island.
I learned the kraken's name: Jormungandr, and since then (this was roughly four months ago, mind) have been peacefully enjoying my time on the same island, which I have named "Chief Mendez's Island". As I have not yet been able to communicate effectively with Jormungandr (and indeed, he rarely is around to attempt communication with), I have had nothing to do with myself but lie around, tend the fertile land of Chief Mendez's Island, and hang out on SWF with all my pals (using my wind-powered laptop made of sand and hermit crabs).
But one day soon, I will taste revenge. I will hunt down the red-leaf'd demons that stole my parents from me, and I will tear them limb from limb with my bear hands. The Earth will run red with blood. The accumulated filth of all their murder will foam up about their waists and all those *******s will look up and shout "Save us!"...
...and I will look down, and whisper "No."
/////
Aside from the kraken (whom I now reside with), all of my parents have at one point tried to devour me alive. Only constant vigilance and devotion to my martial studies have kept me alive this long.
Yes, it has been a harrowing journey. But I have survived. And I am all the stronger for it.
I was born to a drug-addled mother, who callously tossed me into a nearby dumpster after birthing me. So, alone, riddled with various drugs of all kinds, and cold, I did the only thing I could do: I cried.
I soon realized, however, that crying wasn't helping my situation, and I was rapidly coming ever closer to a cold, frozen death. Knowing this, I proceeded to physically beat the drugs out of my bloodstream with my tiny, yet powerful fists. I then ate my way through the plastic roof of the dumpster I was in, and warmed myself up with a light cross-country jog.
As I reached the Rocky Mountains, I suddenly found myself surrounded by hungry wolves. I managed to crush several of their skulls, but, tired as I was from my voyage, they eventually overpowered me. My still-soft cranium was literally inside the jaws of the pack leader when my first parents: Aslan, Bagheera, and Mufasa. The three mountain lions swiftly drove away the remaining wolves, and were about to claim their reward (my broken, bloody body)...but they sensed the pure, unfiltered greatness present within me, and, rather than consuming me, placed me on their shoulders and carried me back to their mountainside cave.
And so, for the next three years, I was raised in the most wild reaches of the Rocky Mountain Range, learning the ways of the world: hunting and preying on the weak, emitting feral screams to attract a mate, being only active near dusk and dawn, and (perhaps most importantly) being a combat helicopter.
However, it was not meant to be. One day, my adopted parents were all cruelly shot by local hunters. Only Mufasa managed to limp back to our cave, where I cradled him in my small, but already powerful arms, tears of pure love rolling down my cheeks. I believe I gave him some level of solace in his final moments.
The next day, I assassinated every man, woman and child in the area who has or had ever owned a hunting license, a rifle, camouflage pants, or who had in their life used the word "sport" in reference to the cold, inhuman act of taking another living thing's life for nothing but the sheer, barbaric thrill.
And so, with nothing left for me in the Rockies, I continued on in my quest, turning north, and eventually making my way to the Canadian outback.
/////
One day, I was casually eating my fill of the Caribou herd I had, moments before, brought down using nothing but a single pebble, when a large Grizzly Bear approached me, obviously looking for his next meal. I stood my ground, and as he approached, so did I.
During our epic, mortal struggle, the sheer force of will present within me contacted the bear's spirit, and instantly, we knew each other. While tending my fresh gouge wounds in a nearby stream, I learned my new parent's name: Wojtek. He had been the subject of several Canadian Government-funded experiments, resulting in him being bereft in a total, unending state of starvation; no matter how much Wojtek ate, he never could satiate himself. So, compassion filling my tiny, four-year frame, I devoted myself to helping him.
And so I hunted. Over the course of the next seven years, I made myself known across the country as "The Windigo", though of course, I was only a small boy at this time. Of course, I was uneducated in the ways of numbers, so had no notion at the time of how many animals I defeated in single combat for Wojtek's sake, but looking back, I would say...anywhere from five to seventy-eight hundred thousand.
At the end of this bloody, noble trail lay the Canadian Scientist's Headquarters, also known as "Mount Villainy". I climbed the jagged, sulfurous cliffs of that accursed rock for five days, never resting--for below me was Wojtek, barely alive and on his own: I had to do this as fast as possible. I infiltrated their foul lair, and found the anitdote to the illness afflicting my pitiable foster father. However, the Canadians discovered me on my way out, and I was forced into combat against an elite sect of Canada's greatest fighters: the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. When all was said and done, I limped out of the laboratory, bullet and saber wounds all across my battered body. One had even managed to gouge out one of my eyes with a hook mounted on a stump, where I presume a hand once was.
Despite my great cause, I found I could not maintain consciousness any longer. As I crested the summit, I passed out, cursing myself for failing at the task set before me...
/////
...Yet soon, I awoke: a cool breeze awakening me from my rest. I felt beneath me, and my hand touched against enormous, silken feathers. Yes, I was being held aloft on the back of a tremendous golden eagle. I reached out with my pure, most bare of emotions to the creature, telling her of Wojtek's plight.
...But, to my utter despair, she informed me that Wojtek had perished at the base of Mount Villainy. Her name was Aquila, and her nine siblings, Corvus, Flint, Cygnus, Huginn and Muginn, Simurgh, Mynah, and Old Great Auk, were on their way to Wojtek's aid on the command of the Bird King, Phoenix. But alas and alack, they arrived too late. Perhaps due to my leading him around the countryside, he was without the aid of the birdfolk.
I have always...blamed myself for that, I suppose.
With nothing to be done for poor Wojtek, I swore vengeance against the Royal Canadian Mountain Police, and continued East with my new, feathered family.
/////
I did not stay with the eagles for long, though. As we were flying over Tennesee, Huginn and Muginn attempted to steal the eyes from my sockets as I slept atop Old Great Auk's back. They held no alleigance to me or my journey, and so I do not blame them for this: it is only the natural law that when a thing is hungry, it must eat.
...However, it is also the way of the world that only the strongest survive. And so, reacting like barbed lightning, I arose, and tore the tongues from my attacker's gizzards, sending them both into uncontrollable, pain-induced free falls. I could immediately tell how well this went over with the other birds, and so I leapt from Auk's wing, pummeting to the ground hundreds of miles below me.
It is never a good idea to let oneself be surrounded by wrathful servants of the Bird King.
Handily, I had learned much from Aquila of the ways of flight, and though I possessed no wings, I used my knowledge to directionally influence myself toward a giant red and white speck, miles below me. As I reached terminal velocity, and the terrible inertia began to peel the very flesh from my bones, I again could not hold out, and I saw black.
When I awoke, I was staring up into the murderous eyes of an enormous African Elephant, or loxodonta africana, as they say in the West. Before he had the chance to gore or trample me, I sprung to my feet and delivered a kick so fierce it could shatter the trunk of a full-grown Redwood tree (and indeed, during my time in the North, it had done so, on several occasions) to the beast's head...but to my complete amazement, it bucked me away but with a brush of it's head! Suddenly and horrifyingly, I knew fear. For the first time in my life, I truly did not know whether I would be the victor of this contest of strength.
...Amazingly, though I no longer held any conception of victory, the thing did not approach me. It merely eyed me up, from head to toe several times, then, deciding something, turned to leave. With this relief, I examined my surroundings for the first time since arriving in this foreign locale. I discovered I had landed on the top of a giant circus tent, which would explain how all my bones were not of dust at this point. But I had little time to ponder the past, as my immortal warrior's soul was calling to me.
Thus, I was trained. My master, Orwell, was a fine teacher indeed. Raised on the barren plains of the Savannah, he had been born weak and alone, much like myself. He had spent most of his time there migrating from herd to herd, never fully accepted, and often physically assaulted for his ignoble origins and lowly station. But through it all, he never gave in, eventually defeating the Bull of a rival tribe in single combat, and thus becoming their herdmaster. For fifty years, he and his tribe roamed the Great Plains, conquering all and sparing none in their paths. He sired countless calves, and those he did not approve of were swiftly exiled. Like me, he held dearly to the Ways of the World. However, one day, while he was away on an expedition, black-suited men with loud, booming sticks and red, maple leaves on their backs came and destroyed his entire clan, stealing their proud tusks, not allowing even for a respectful burial. Enraged, Orwell took to the coast, hounding the men in black. Though they boarded their iron fish before he could catch them, he could see the way they traveled, and so, with a deep breath of the African air he loved more than life itself, he plunged beneath the waves, and ran along the Ocean's floor toward a new, alien world.
Once there, he was tired from his journey, and so laid down beneath a tall tree for rest. But--the fiends!--they ambushed him while he slept! He awoke, and crushed many underfoot, and his tusks were lined with bodies that day, but through sheer numbers and a traitorous tranquilizing poison, they brought him to his knees, and carried him off to their stronghold.
...Thankfully, he escaped: breaking out of the belly of their giant iron snake, he rampaged his way south until he found a lonely, secluded stretch of open land. It reminded him of his homeland, and that was good. For seven days and seven nights he wept for those lost to him. He would never see them again.
And so, when the circus came and erected their giant shelters, Orwell approached them. At first, they panicked, but in time, they came to accept him. Ever since, he had stayed with the group as they toured the country, performing for humans from all walks of life. It was not a dignified life, he told me, but a simple one. One deserving of a man who could not protect those closest to him.
/////
Under his tutelage, I learned much. In the span of a single year, I became a rival even to his great strength, and began to finally integrate myself into the world of man--through my performances in the circus as "The Whild Child", I learned the human tongue, and even made several "friends". In time, though, this was our downfall. Word spread of our famed performances, which eventually attracted the very same forces that had stolen so much from both my and Orwell's lives...
One fateful day, during the highlight act of our performance, Orwell toppled to the ground. I rushed to his side, but he batted me away with his trunk as he regained his footing. It was then I saw the enormous needle protruding from the side of his head. Furthermore, I finally noticed how oddly quiet the crowd had been, and looking out past the glare of the stage lights, I saw not a normal crowd--but the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. They had come to reclaim what was not theirs! I gave a roar that would enrapture even the coldest of puma vixens, and lunged toward my sworn enemies, but my way was suddenly blocked by Orwell's hulking body, which shuddered as a second salvo of poisoned darts punctured his thick hide. I knew what he was doing, but would not accept it--he was all that I had left.
...But, against my dearest wishes, he lifted me, kicking and screaming, in his trunk, trundled outside the tent, with every step being more harried as more and more Canadian venom assaulted his old body...and threw me into the sky with all of his remaining strength.
/////
I spent the following day, and part of the night soaring through the air, tears lashing their way off my face, falling behind me into my windstream. I beat my chest, gnashed my teeth, pulled my hair, and tore my flesh in penitence: once again, I had not been able to stand up and deliver justice, as a man should.
/////
I finally began to lose altitude as I came over the Atlantic Ocean, the same one Orwell had traveled on his road of revenge. After ricocheting off the surface of the waves for several miles, I was finally able to obtain my sea legs...or lack thereof. This was my first experience with the ocean, and I lacked Orwell's powerful elephantine lungs, so had no hope of walking back to shore. I though for sure I would perish, broken and alone, out there in the Great, Uncaring Blue...when something large and smooth wrapped itself around my leg. In a flurry of rushing water and coursing foam, I was pulled under, and found myself face to face with a truly gigantic creature--at least ten times the size of my now-deceased master! It's hundred arms grabbed me from all sides and tore at me, intent on breaking me open like some crude chestnut. But I would not have this. There was still much evil for me to cleanse in this world, and so I held off the monster's fatal embrace, making my body as steel. Apparently surprised at this turn of events, the leviathan brought me to the surface, and, in what seemed the blink of an eye, brought me to a nearby, remote and uninhabited island.
I learned the kraken's name: Jormungandr, and since then (this was roughly four months ago, mind) have been peacefully enjoying my time on the same island, which I have named "Chief Mendez's Island". As I have not yet been able to communicate effectively with Jormungandr (and indeed, he rarely is around to attempt communication with), I have had nothing to do with myself but lie around, tend the fertile land of Chief Mendez's Island, and hang out on SWF with all my pals (using my wind-powered laptop made of sand and hermit crabs).
But one day soon, I will taste revenge. I will hunt down the red-leaf'd demons that stole my parents from me, and I will tear them limb from limb with my bear hands. The Earth will run red with blood. The accumulated filth of all their murder will foam up about their waists and all those *******s will look up and shout "Save us!"...
...and I will look down, and whisper "No."
/////
Aside from the kraken (whom I now reside with), all of my parents have at one point tried to devour me alive. Only constant vigilance and devotion to my martial studies have kept me alive this long.
Yes, it has been a harrowing journey. But I have survived. And I am all the stronger for it.
I was born to a drug-addled mother, who callously tossed me into a nearby dumpster after birthing me. So, alone, riddled with various drugs of all kinds, and cold, I did the only thing I could do: I cried.
I soon realized, however, that crying wasn't helping my situation, and I was rapidly coming ever closer to a cold, frozen death. Knowing this, I proceeded to physically beat the drugs out of my bloodstream with my tiny, yet powerful fists. I then ate my way through the plastic roof of the dumpster I was in, and warmed myself up with a light cross-country jog.
As I reached the Rocky Mountains, I suddenly found myself surrounded by hungry wolves. I managed to crush several of their skulls, but, tired as I was from my voyage, they eventually overpowered me. My still-soft cranium was literally inside the jaws of the pack leader when my first parents: Aslan, Bagheera, and Mufasa. The three mountain lions swiftly drove away the remaining wolves, and were about to claim their reward (my broken, bloody body)...but they sensed the pure, unfiltered greatness present within me, and, rather than consuming me, placed me on their shoulders and carried me back to their mountainside cave.
And so, for the next three years, I was raised in the most wild reaches of the Rocky Mountain Range, learning the ways of the world: hunting and preying on the weak, emitting feral screams to attract a mate, being only active near dusk and dawn, and (perhaps most importantly) being a combat helicopter.
However, it was not meant to be. One day, my adopted parents were all cruelly shot by local hunters. Only Mufasa managed to limp back to our cave, where I cradled him in my small, but already powerful arms, tears of pure love rolling down my cheeks. I believe I gave him some level of solace in his final moments.
The next day, I assassinated every man, woman and child in the area who has or had ever owned a hunting license, a rifle, camouflage pants, or who had in their life used the word "sport" in reference to the cold, inhuman act of taking another living thing's life for nothing but the sheer, barbaric thrill.
And so, with nothing left for me in the Rockies, I continued on in my quest, turning north, and eventually making my way to the Canadian outback.
/////
One day, I was casually eating my fill of the Caribou herd I had, moments before, brought down using nothing but a single pebble, when a large Grizzly Bear approached me, obviously looking for his next meal. I stood my ground, and as he approached, so did I.
During our epic, mortal struggle, the sheer force of will present within me contacted the bear's spirit, and instantly, we knew each other. While tending my fresh gouge wounds in a nearby stream, I learned my new parent's name: Wojtek. He had been the subject of several Canadian Government-funded experiments, resulting in him being bereft in a total, unending state of starvation; no matter how much Wojtek ate, he never could satiate himself. So, compassion filling my tiny, four-year frame, I devoted myself to helping him.
And so I hunted. Over the course of the next seven years, I made myself known across the country as "The Windigo", though of course, I was only a small boy at this time. Of course, I was uneducated in the ways of numbers, so had no notion at the time of how many animals I defeated in single combat for Wojtek's sake, but looking back, I would say...anywhere from five to seventy-eight hundred thousand.
At the end of this bloody, noble trail lay the Canadian Scientist's Headquarters, also known as "Mount Villainy". I climbed the jagged, sulfurous cliffs of that accursed rock for five days, never resting--for below me was Wojtek, barely alive and on his own: I had to do this as fast as possible. I infiltrated their foul lair, and found the anitdote to the illness afflicting my pitiable foster father. However, the Canadians discovered me on my way out, and I was forced into combat against an elite sect of Canada's greatest fighters: the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. When all was said and done, I limped out of the laboratory, bullet and saber wounds all across my battered body. One had even managed to gouge out one of my eyes with a hook mounted on a stump, where I presume a hand once was.
Despite my great cause, I found I could not maintain consciousness any longer. As I crested the summit, I passed out, cursing myself for failing at the task set before me...
/////
...Yet soon, I awoke: a cool breeze awakening me from my rest. I felt beneath me, and my hand touched against enormous, silken feathers. Yes, I was being held aloft on the back of a tremendous golden eagle. I reached out with my pure, most bare of emotions to the creature, telling her of Wojtek's plight.
...But, to my utter despair, she informed me that Wojtek had perished at the base of Mount Villainy. Her name was Aquila, and her nine siblings, Corvus, Flint, Cygnus, Huginn and Muginn, Simurgh, Mynah, and Old Great Auk, were on their way to Wojtek's aid on the command of the Bird King, Phoenix. But alas and alack, they arrived too late. Perhaps due to my leading him around the countryside, he was without the aid of the birdfolk.
I have always...blamed myself for that, I suppose.
With nothing to be done for poor Wojtek, I swore vengeance against the Royal Canadian Mountain Police, and continued East with my new, feathered family.
/////
I did not stay with the eagles for long, though. As we were flying over Tennesee, Huginn and Muginn attempted to steal the eyes from my sockets as I slept atop Old Great Auk's back. They held no alleigance to me or my journey, and so I do not blame them for this: it is only the natural law that when a thing is hungry, it must eat.
...However, it is also the way of the world that only the strongest survive. And so, reacting like barbed lightning, I arose, and tore the tongues from my attacker's gizzards, sending them both into uncontrollable, pain-induced free falls. I could immediately tell how well this went over with the other birds, and so I leapt from Auk's wing, pummeting to the ground hundreds of miles below me.
It is never a good idea to let oneself be surrounded by wrathful servants of the Bird King.
Handily, I had learned much from Aquila of the ways of flight, and though I possessed no wings, I used my knowledge to directionally influence myself toward a giant red and white speck, miles below me. As I reached terminal velocity, and the terrible inertia began to peel the very flesh from my bones, I again could not hold out, and I saw black.
When I awoke, I was staring up into the murderous eyes of an enormous African Elephant, or loxodonta africana, as they say in the West. Before he had the chance to gore or trample me, I sprung to my feet and delivered a kick so fierce it could shatter the trunk of a full-grown Redwood tree (and indeed, during my time in the North, it had done so, on several occasions) to the beast's head...but to my complete amazement, it bucked me away but with a brush of it's head! Suddenly and horrifyingly, I knew fear. For the first time in my life, I truly did not know whether I would be the victor of this contest of strength.
...Amazingly, though I no longer held any conception of victory, the thing did not approach me. It merely eyed me up, from head to toe several times, then, deciding something, turned to leave. With this relief, I examined my surroundings for the first time since arriving in this foreign locale. I discovered I had landed on the top of a giant circus tent, which would explain how all my bones were not of dust at this point. But I had little time to ponder the past, as my immortal warrior's soul was calling to me.
Thus, I was trained. My master, Orwell, was a fine teacher indeed. Raised on the barren plains of the Savannah, he had been born weak and alone, much like myself. He had spent most of his time there migrating from herd to herd, never fully accepted, and often physically assaulted for his ignoble origins and lowly station. But through it all, he never gave in, eventually defeating the Bull of a rival tribe in single combat, and thus becoming their herdmaster. For fifty years, he and his tribe roamed the Great Plains, conquering all and sparing none in their paths. He sired countless calves, and those he did not approve of were swiftly exiled. Like me, he held dearly to the Ways of the World. However, one day, while he was away on an expedition, black-suited men with loud, booming sticks and red, maple leaves on their backs came and destroyed his entire clan, stealing their proud tusks, not allowing even for a respectful burial. Enraged, Orwell took to the coast, hounding the men in black. Though they boarded their iron fish before he could catch them, he could see the way they traveled, and so, with a deep breath of the African air he loved more than life itself, he plunged beneath the waves, and ran along the Ocean's floor toward a new, alien world.
Once there, he was tired from his journey, and so laid down beneath a tall tree for rest. But--the fiends!--they ambushed him while he slept! He awoke, and crushed many underfoot, and his tusks were lined with bodies that day, but through sheer numbers and a traitorous tranquilizing poison, they brought him to his knees, and carried him off to their stronghold.
...Thankfully, he escaped: breaking out of the belly of their giant iron snake, he rampaged his way south until he found a lonely, secluded stretch of open land. It reminded him of his homeland, and that was good. For seven days and seven nights he wept for those lost to him. He would never see them again.
And so, when the circus came and erected their giant shelters, Orwell approached them. At first, they panicked, but in time, they came to accept him. Ever since, he had stayed with the group as they toured the country, performing for humans from all walks of life. It was not a dignified life, he told me, but a simple one. One deserving of a man who could not protect those closest to him.
/////
Under his tutelage, I learned much. In the span of a single year, I became a rival even to his great strength, and began to finally integrate myself into the world of man--through my performances in the circus as "The Whild Child", I learned the human tongue, and even made several "friends". In time, though, this was our downfall. Word spread of our famed performances, which eventually attracted the very same forces that had stolen so much from both my and Orwell's lives...
One fateful day, during the highlight act of our performance, Orwell toppled to the ground. I rushed to his side, but he batted me away with his trunk as he regained his footing. It was then I saw the enormous needle protruding from the side of his head. Furthermore, I finally noticed how oddly quiet the crowd had been, and looking out past the glare of the stage lights, I saw not a normal crowd--but the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. They had come to reclaim what was not theirs! I gave a roar that would enrapture even the coldest of puma vixens, and lunged toward my sworn enemies, but my way was suddenly blocked by Orwell's hulking body, which shuddered as a second salvo of poisoned darts punctured his thick hide. I knew what he was doing, but would not accept it--he was all that I had left.
...But, against my dearest wishes, he lifted me, kicking and screaming, in his trunk, trundled outside the tent, with every step being more harried as more and more Canadian venom assaulted his old body...and threw me into the sky with all of his remaining strength.
/////
I spent the following day, and part of the night soaring through the air, tears lashing their way off my face, falling behind me into my windstream. I beat my chest, gnashed my teeth, pulled my hair, and tore my flesh in penitence: once again, I had not been able to stand up and deliver justice, as a man should.
/////
I finally began to lose altitude as I came over the Atlantic Ocean, the same one Orwell had traveled on his road of revenge. After ricocheting off the surface of the waves for several miles, I was finally able to obtain my sea legs...or lack thereof. This was my first experience with the ocean, and I lacked Orwell's powerful elephantine lungs, so had no hope of walking back to shore. I though for sure I would perish, broken and alone, out there in the Great, Uncaring Blue...when something large and smooth wrapped itself around my leg. In a flurry of rushing water and coursing foam, I was pulled under, and found myself face to face with a truly gigantic creature--at least ten times the size of my now-deceased master! It's hundred arms grabbed me from all sides and tore at me, intent on breaking me open like some crude chestnut. But I would not have this. There was still much evil for me to cleanse in this world, and so I held off the monster's fatal embrace, making my body as steel. Apparently surprised at this turn of events, the leviathan brought me to the surface, and, in what seemed the blink of an eye, brought me to a nearby, remote and uninhabited island.
I learned the kraken's name: Jormungandr, and since then (this was roughly four months ago, mind) have been peacefully enjoying my time on the same island, which I have named "Chief Mendez's Island". As I have not yet been able to communicate effectively with Jormungandr (and indeed, he rarely is around to attempt communication with), I have had nothing to do with myself but lie around, tend the fertile land of Chief Mendez's Island, and hang out on SWF with all my pals (using my wind-powered laptop made of sand and hermit crabs).
But one day soon, I will taste revenge. I will hunt down the red-leaf'd demons that stole my parents from me, and I will tear them limb from limb with my bear hands. The Earth will run red with blood. The accumulated filth of all their murder will foam up about their waists and all those *******s will look up and shout "Save us!"...
...and I will look down, and whisper "No."
/////
Aside from the kraken (whom I now reside with), all of my parents have at one point tried to devour me alive. Only constant vigilance and devotion to my martial studies have kept me alive this long.
Yes, it has been a harrowing journey. But I have survived. And I am all the stronger for it.
I was born to a drug-addled mother, who callously tossed me into a nearby dumpster after birthing me. So, alone, riddled with various drugs of all kinds, and cold, I did the only thing I could do: I cried.
I soon realized, however, that crying wasn't helping my situation, and I was rapidly coming ever closer to a cold, frozen death. Knowing this, I proceeded to physically beat the drugs out of my bloodstream with my tiny, yet powerful fists. I then ate my way through the plastic roof of the dumpster I was in, and warmed myself up with a light cross-country jog.
As I reached the Rocky Mountains, I suddenly found myself surrounded by hungry wolves. I managed to crush several of their skulls, but, tired as I was from my voyage, they eventually overpowered me. My still-soft cranium was literally inside the jaws of the pack leader when my first parents: Aslan, Bagheera, and Mufasa. The three mountain lions swiftly drove away the remaining wolves, and were about to claim their reward (my broken, bloody body)...but they sensed the pure, unfiltered greatness present within me, and, rather than consuming me, placed me on their shoulders and carried me back to their mountainside cave.
And so, for the next three years, I was raised in the most wild reaches of the Rocky Mountain Range, learning the ways of the world: hunting and preying on the weak, emitting feral screams to attract a mate, being only active near dusk and dawn, and (perhaps most importantly) being a combat helicopter.
However, it was not meant to be. One day, my adopted parents were all cruelly shot by local hunters. Only Mufasa managed to limp back to our cave, where I cradled him in my small, but already powerful arms, tears of pure love rolling down my cheeks. I believe I gave him some level of solace in his final moments.
The next day, I assassinated every man, woman and child in the area who has or had ever owned a hunting license, a rifle, camouflage pants, or who had in their life used the word "sport" in reference to the cold, inhuman act of taking another living thing's life for nothing but the sheer, barbaric thrill.
And so, with nothing left for me in the Rockies, I continued on in my quest, turning north, and eventually making my way to the Canadian outback.
/////
One day, I was casually eating my fill of the Caribou herd I had, moments before, brought down using nothing but a single pebble, when a large Grizzly Bear approached me, obviously looking for his next meal. I stood my ground, and as he approached, so did I.
During our epic, mortal struggle, the sheer force of will present within me contacted the bear's spirit, and instantly, we knew each other. While tending my fresh gouge wounds in a nearby stream, I learned my new parent's name: Wojtek. He had been the subject of several Canadian Government-funded experiments, resulting in him being bereft in a total, unending state of starvation; no matter how much Wojtek ate, he never could satiate himself. So, compassion filling my tiny, four-year frame, I devoted myself to helping him.
And so I hunted. Over the course of the next seven years, I made myself known across the country as "The Windigo", though of course, I was only a small boy at this time. Of course, I was uneducated in the ways of numbers, so had no notion at the time of how many animals I defeated in single combat for Wojtek's sake, but looking back, I would say...anywhere from five to seventy-eight hundred thousand.
At the end of this bloody, noble trail lay the Canadian Scientist's Headquarters, also known as "Mount Villainy". I climbed the jagged, sulfurous cliffs of that accursed rock for five days, never resting--for below me was Wojtek, barely alive and on his own: I had to do this as fast as possible. I infiltrated their foul lair, and found the anitdote to the illness afflicting my pitiable foster father. However, the Canadians discovered me on my way out, and I was forced into combat against an elite sect of Canada's greatest fighters: the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. When all was said and done, I limped out of the laboratory, bullet and saber wounds all across my battered body. One had even managed to gouge out one of my eyes with a hook mounted on a stump, where I presume a hand once was.
Despite my great cause, I found I could not maintain consciousness any longer. As I crested the summit, I passed out, cursing myself for failing at the task set before me...
/////
...Yet soon, I awoke: a cool breeze awakening me from my rest. I felt beneath me, and my hand touched against enormous, silken feathers. Yes, I was being held aloft on the back of a tremendous golden eagle. I reached out with my pure, most bare of emotions to the creature, telling her of Wojtek's plight.
...But, to my utter despair, she informed me that Wojtek had perished at the base of Mount Villainy. Her name was Aquila, and her nine siblings, Corvus, Flint, Cygnus, Huginn and Muginn, Simurgh, Mynah, and Old Great Auk, were on their way to Wojtek's aid on the command of the Bird King, Phoenix. But alas and alack, they arrived too late. Perhaps due to my leading him around the countryside, he was without the aid of the birdfolk.
I have always...blamed myself for that, I suppose.
With nothing to be done for poor Wojtek, I swore vengeance against the Royal Canadian Mountain Police, and continued East with my new, feathered family.
/////
I did not stay with the eagles for long, though. As we were flying over Tennesee, Huginn and Muginn attempted to steal the eyes from my sockets as I slept atop Old Great Auk's back. They held no alleigance to me or my journey, and so I do not blame them for this: it is only the natural law that when a thing is hungry, it must eat.
...However, it is also the way of the world that only the strongest survive. And so, reacting like barbed lightning, I arose, and tore the tongues from my attacker's gizzards, sending them both into uncontrollable, pain-induced free falls. I could immediately tell how well this went over with the other birds, and so I leapt from Auk's wing, pummeting to the ground hundreds of miles below me.
It is never a good idea to let oneself be surrounded by wrathful servants of the Bird King.
Handily, I had learned much from Aquila of the ways of flight, and though I possessed no wings, I used my knowledge to directionally influence myself toward a giant red and white speck, miles below me. As I reached terminal velocity, and the terrible inertia began to peel the very flesh from my bones, I again could not hold out, and I saw black.
When I awoke, I was staring up into the murderous eyes of an enormous African Elephant, or loxodonta africana, as they say in the West. Before he had the chance to gore or trample me, I sprung to my feet and delivered a kick so fierce it could shatter the trunk of a full-grown Redwood tree (and indeed, during my time in the North, it had done so, on several occasions) to the beast's head...but to my complete amazement, it bucked me away but with a brush of it's head! Suddenly and horrifyingly, I knew fear. For the first time in my life, I truly did not know whether I would be the victor of this contest of strength.
...Amazingly, though I no longer held any conception of victory, the thing did not approach me. It merely eyed me up, from head to toe several times, then, deciding something, turned to leave. With this relief, I examined my surroundings for the first time since arriving in this foreign locale. I discovered I had landed on the top of a giant circus tent, which would explain how all my bones were not of dust at this point. But I had little time to ponder the past, as my immortal warrior's soul was calling to me.
Thus, I was trained. My master, Orwell, was a fine teacher indeed. Raised on the barren plains of the Savannah, he had been born weak and alone, much like myself. He had spent most of his time there migrating from herd to herd, never fully accepted, and often physically assaulted for his ignoble origins and lowly station. But through it all, he never gave in, eventually defeating the Bull of a rival tribe in single combat, and thus becoming their herdmaster. For fifty years, he and his tribe roamed the Great Plains, conquering all and sparing none in their paths. He sired countless calves, and those he did not approve of were swiftly exiled. Like me, he held dearly to the Ways of the World. However, one day, while he was away on an expedition, black-suited men with loud, booming sticks and red, maple leaves on their backs came and destroyed his entire clan, stealing their proud tusks, not allowing even for a respectful burial. Enraged, Orwell took to the coast, hounding the men in black. Though they boarded their iron fish before he could catch them, he could see the way they traveled, and so, with a deep breath of the African air he loved more than life itself, he plunged beneath the waves, and ran along the Ocean's floor toward a new, alien world.
Once there, he was tired from his journey, and so laid down beneath a tall tree for rest. But--the fiends!--they ambushed him while he slept! He awoke, and crushed many underfoot, and his tusks were lined with bodies that day, but through sheer numbers and a traitorous tranquilizing poison, they brought him to his knees, and carried him off to their stronghold.
...Thankfully, he escaped: breaking out of the belly of their giant iron snake, he rampaged his way south until he found a lonely, secluded stretch of open land. It reminded him of his homeland, and that was good. For seven days and seven nights he wept for those lost to him. He would never see them again.
And so, when the circus came and erected their giant shelters, Orwell approached them. At first, they panicked, but in time, they came to accept him. Ever since, he had stayed with the group as they toured the country, performing for humans from all walks of life. It was not a dignified life, he told me, but a simple one. One deserving of a man who could not protect those closest to him.
/////
Under his tutelage, I learned much. In the span of a single year, I became a rival even to his great strength, and began to finally integrate myself into the world of man--through my performances in the circus as "The Whild Child", I learned the human tongue, and even made several "friends". In time, though, this was our downfall. Word spread of our famed performances, which eventually attracted the very same forces that had stolen so much from both my and Orwell's lives...
One fateful day, during the highlight act of our performance, Orwell toppled to the ground. I rushed to his side, but he batted me away with his trunk as he regained his footing. It was then I saw the enormous needle protruding from the side of his head. Furthermore, I finally noticed how oddly quiet the crowd had been, and looking out past the glare of the stage lights, I saw not a normal crowd--but the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. They had come to reclaim what was not theirs! I gave a roar that would enrapture even the coldest of puma vixens, and lunged toward my sworn enemies, but my way was suddenly blocked by Orwell's hulking body, which shuddered as a second salvo of poisoned darts punctured his thick hide. I knew what he was doing, but would not accept it--he was all that I had left.
...But, against my dearest wishes, he lifted me, kicking and screaming, in his trunk, trundled outside the tent, with every step being more harried as more and more Canadian venom assaulted his old body...and threw me into the sky with all of his remaining strength.
/////
I spent the following day, and part of the night soaring through the air, tears lashing their way off my face, falling behind me into my windstream. I beat my chest, gnashed my teeth, pulled my hair, and tore my flesh in penitence: once again, I had not been able to stand up and deliver justice, as a man should.
/////
I finally began to lose altitude as I came over the Atlantic Ocean, the same one Orwell had traveled on his road of revenge. After ricocheting off the surface of the waves for several miles, I was finally able to obtain my sea legs...or lack thereof. This was my first experience with the ocean, and I lacked Orwell's powerful elephantine lungs, so had no hope of walking back to shore. I though for sure I would perish, broken and alone, out there in the Great, Uncaring Blue...when something large and smooth wrapped itself around my leg. In a flurry of rushing water and coursing foam, I was pulled under, and found myself face to face with a truly gigantic creature--at least ten times the size of my now-deceased master! It's hundred arms grabbed me from all sides and tore at me, intent on breaking me open like some crude chestnut. But I would not have this. There was still much evil for me to cleanse in this world, and so I held off the monster's fatal embrace, making my body as steel. Apparently surprised at this turn of events, the leviathan brought me to the surface, and, in what seemed the blink of an eye, brought me to a nearby, remote and uninhabited island.
I learned the kraken's name: Jormungandr, and since then (this was roughly four months ago, mind) have been peacefully enjoying my time on the same island, which I have named "Chief Mendez's Island". As I have not yet been able to communicate effectively with Jormungandr (and indeed, he rarely is around to attempt communication with), I have had nothing to do with myself but lie around, tend the fertile land of Chief Mendez's Island, and hang out on SWF with all my pals (using my wind-powered laptop made of sand and hermit crabs).
But one day soon, I will taste revenge. I will hunt down the red-leaf'd demons that stole my parents from me, and I will tear them limb from limb with my bear hands. The Earth will run red with blood. The accumulated filth of all their murder will foam up about their waists and all those *******s will look up and shout "Save us!"...
...and I will look down, and whisper "No."
/////
Aside from the kraken (whom I now reside with), all of my parents have at one point tried to devour me alive. Only constant vigilance and devotion to my martial studies have kept me alive this long.
Yes, it has been a harrowing journey. But I have survived. And I am all the stronger for it.
I was born to a drug-addled mother, who callously tossed me into a nearby dumpster after birthing me. So, alone, riddled with various drugs of all kinds, and cold, I did the only thing I could do: I cried.
I soon realized, however, that crying wasn't helping my situation, and I was rapidly coming ever closer to a cold, frozen death. Knowing this, I proceeded to physically beat the drugs out of my bloodstream with my tiny, yet powerful fists. I then ate my way through the plastic roof of the dumpster I was in, and warmed myself up with a light cross-country jog.
As I reached the Rocky Mountains, I suddenly found myself surrounded by hungry wolves. I managed to crush several of their skulls, but, tired as I was from my voyage, they eventually overpowered me. My still-soft cranium was literally inside the jaws of the pack leader when my first parents: Aslan, Bagheera, and Mufasa. The three mountain lions swiftly drove away the remaining wolves, and were about to claim their reward (my broken, bloody body)...but they sensed the pure, unfiltered greatness present within me, and, rather than consuming me, placed me on their shoulders and carried me back to their mountainside cave.
And so, for the next three years, I was raised in the most wild reaches of the Rocky Mountain Range, learning the ways of the world: hunting and preying on the weak, emitting feral screams to attract a mate, being only active near dusk and dawn, and (perhaps most importantly) being a combat helicopter.
However, it was not meant to be. One day, my adopted parents were all cruelly shot by local hunters. Only Mufasa managed to limp back to our cave, where I cradled him in my small, but already powerful arms, tears of pure love rolling down my cheeks. I believe I gave him some level of solace in his final moments.
The next day, I assassinated every man, woman and child in the area who has or had ever owned a hunting license, a rifle, camouflage pants, or who had in their life used the word "sport" in reference to the cold, inhuman act of taking another living thing's life for nothing but the sheer, barbaric thrill.
And so, with nothing left for me in the Rockies, I continued on in my quest, turning north, and eventually making my way to the Canadian outback.
/////
One day, I was casually eating my fill of the Caribou herd I had, moments before, brought down using nothing but a single pebble, when a large Grizzly Bear approached me, obviously looking for his next meal. I stood my ground, and as he approached, so did I.
During our epic, mortal struggle, the sheer force of will present within me contacted the bear's spirit, and instantly, we knew each other. While tending my fresh gouge wounds in a nearby stream, I learned my new parent's name: Wojtek. He had been the subject of several Canadian Government-funded experiments, resulting in him being bereft in a total, unending state of starvation; no matter how much Wojtek ate, he never could satiate himself. So, compassion filling my tiny, four-year frame, I devoted myself to helping him.
And so I hunted. Over the course of the next seven years, I made myself known across the country as "The Windigo", though of course, I was only a small boy at this time. Of course, I was uneducated in the ways of numbers, so had no notion at the time of how many animals I defeated in single combat for Wojtek's sake, but looking back, I would say...anywhere from five to seventy-eight hundred thousand.
At the end of this bloody, noble trail lay the Canadian Scientist's Headquarters, also known as "Mount Villainy". I climbed the jagged, sulfurous cliffs of that accursed rock for five days, never resting--for below me was Wojtek, barely alive and on his own: I had to do this as fast as possible. I infiltrated their foul lair, and found the anitdote to the illness afflicting my pitiable foster father. However, the Canadians discovered me on my way out, and I was forced into combat against an elite sect of Canada's greatest fighters: the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. When all was said and done, I limped out of the laboratory, bullet and saber wounds all across my battered body. One had even managed to gouge out one of my eyes with a hook mounted on a stump, where I presume a hand once was.
Despite my great cause, I found I could not maintain consciousness any longer. As I crested the summit, I passed out, cursing myself for failing at the task set before me...
/////
...Yet soon, I awoke: a cool breeze awakening me from my rest. I felt beneath me, and my hand touched against enormous, silken feathers. Yes, I was being held aloft on the back of a tremendous golden eagle. I reached out with my pure, most bare of emotions to the creature, telling her of Wojtek's plight.
...But, to my utter despair, she informed me that Wojtek had perished at the base of Mount Villainy. Her name was Aquila, and her nine siblings, Corvus, Flint, Cygnus, Huginn and Muginn, Simurgh, Mynah, and Old Great Auk, were on their way to Wojtek's aid on the command of the Bird King, Phoenix. But alas and alack, they arrived too late. Perhaps due to my leading him around the countryside, he was without the aid of the birdfolk.
I have always...blamed myself for that, I suppose.
With nothing to be done for poor Wojtek, I swore vengeance against the Royal Canadian Mountain Police, and continued East with my new, feathered family.
/////
I did not stay with the eagles for long, though. As we were flying over Tennesee, Huginn and Muginn attempted to steal the eyes from my sockets as I slept atop Old Great Auk's back. They held no alleigance to me or my journey, and so I do not blame them for this: it is only the natural law that when a thing is hungry, it must eat.
...However, it is also the way of the world that only the strongest survive. And so, reacting like barbed lightning, I arose, and tore the tongues from my attacker's gizzards, sending them both into uncontrollable, pain-induced free falls. I could immediately tell how well this went over with the other birds, and so I leapt from Auk's wing, pummeting to the ground hundreds of miles below me.
It is never a good idea to let oneself be surrounded by wrathful servants of the Bird King.
Handily, I had learned much from Aquila of the ways of flight, and though I possessed no wings, I used my knowledge to directionally influence myself toward a giant red and white speck, miles below me. As I reached terminal velocity, and the terrible inertia began to peel the very flesh from my bones, I again could not hold out, and I saw black.
When I awoke, I was staring up into the murderous eyes of an enormous African Elephant, or loxodonta africana, as they say in the West. Before he had the chance to gore or trample me, I sprung to my feet and delivered a kick so fierce it could shatter the trunk of a full-grown Redwood tree (and indeed, during my time in the North, it had done so, on several occasions) to the beast's head...but to my complete amazement, it bucked me away but with a brush of it's head! Suddenly and horrifyingly, I knew fear. For the first time in my life, I truly did not know whether I would be the victor of this contest of strength.
...Amazingly, though I no longer held any conception of victory, the thing did not approach me. It merely eyed me up, from head to toe several times, then, deciding something, turned to leave. With this relief, I examined my surroundings for the first time since arriving in this foreign locale. I discovered I had landed on the top of a giant circus tent, which would explain how all my bones were not of dust at this point. But I had little time to ponder the past, as my immortal warrior's soul was calling to me.
Thus, I was trained. My master, Orwell, was a fine teacher indeed. Raised on the barren plains of the Savannah, he had been born weak and alone, much like myself. He had spent most of his time there migrating from herd to herd, never fully accepted, and often physically assaulted for his ignoble origins and lowly station. But through it all, he never gave in, eventually defeating the Bull of a rival tribe in single combat, and thus becoming their herdmaster. For fifty years, he and his tribe roamed the Great Plains, conquering all and sparing none in their paths. He sired countless calves, and those he did not approve of were swiftly exiled. Like me, he held dearly to the Ways of the World. However, one day, while he was away on an expedition, black-suited men with loud, booming sticks and red, maple leaves on their backs came and destroyed his entire clan, stealing their proud tusks, not allowing even for a respectful burial. Enraged, Orwell took to the coast, hounding the men in black. Though they boarded their iron fish before he could catch them, he could see the way they traveled, and so, with a deep breath of the African air he loved more than life itself, he plunged beneath the waves, and ran along the Ocean's floor toward a new, alien world.
Once there, he was tired from his journey, and so laid down beneath a tall tree for rest. But--the fiends!--they ambushed him while he slept! He awoke, and crushed many underfoot, and his tusks were lined with bodies that day, but through sheer numbers and a traitorous tranquilizing poison, they brought him to his knees, and carried him off to their stronghold.
...Thankfully, he escaped: breaking out of the belly of their giant iron snake, he rampaged his way south until he found a lonely, secluded stretch of open land. It reminded him of his homeland, and that was good. For seven days and seven nights he wept for those lost to him. He would never see them again.
And so, when the circus came and erected their giant shelters, Orwell approached them. At first, they panicked, but in time, they came to accept him. Ever since, he had stayed with the group as they toured the country, performing for humans from all walks of life. It was not a dignified life, he told me, but a simple one. One deserving of a man who could not protect those closest to him.
/////
Under his tutelage, I learned much. In the span of a single year, I became a rival even to his great strength, and began to finally integrate myself into the world of man--through my performances in the circus as "The Whild Child", I learned the human tongue, and even made several "friends". In time, though, this was our downfall. Word spread of our famed performances, which eventually attracted the very same forces that had stolen so much from both my and Orwell's lives...
One fateful day, during the highlight act of our performance, Orwell toppled to the ground. I rushed to his side, but he batted me away with his trunk as he regained his footing. It was then I saw the enormous needle protruding from the side of his head. Furthermore, I finally noticed how oddly quiet the crowd had been, and looking out past the glare of the stage lights, I saw not a normal crowd--but the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. They had come to reclaim what was not theirs! I gave a roar that would enrapture even the coldest of puma vixens, and lunged toward my sworn enemies, but my way was suddenly blocked by Orwell's hulking body, which shuddered as a second salvo of poisoned darts punctured his thick hide. I knew what he was doing, but would not accept it--he was all that I had left.
...But, against my dearest wishes, he lifted me, kicking and screaming, in his trunk, trundled outside the tent, with every step being more harried as more and more Canadian venom assaulted his old body...and threw me into the sky with all of his remaining strength.
/////
I spent the following day, and part of the night soaring through the air, tears lashing their way off my face, falling behind me into my windstream. I beat my chest, gnashed my teeth, pulled my hair, and tore my flesh in penitence: once again, I had not been able to stand up and deliver justice, as a man should.
/////
I finally began to lose altitude as I came over the Atlantic Ocean, the same one Orwell had traveled on his road of revenge. After ricocheting off the surface of the waves for several miles, I was finally able to obtain my sea legs...or lack thereof. This was my first experience with the ocean, and I lacked Orwell's powerful elephantine lungs, so had no hope of walking back to shore. I though for sure I would perish, broken and alone, out there in the Great, Uncaring Blue...when something large and smooth wrapped itself around my leg. In a flurry of rushing water and coursing foam, I was pulled under, and found myself face to face with a truly gigantic creature--at least ten times the size of my now-deceased master! It's hundred arms grabbed me from all sides and tore at me, intent on breaking me open like some crude chestnut. But I would not have this. There was still much evil for me to cleanse in this world, and so I held off the monster's fatal embrace, making my body as steel. Apparently surprised at this turn of events, the leviathan brought me to the surface, and, in what seemed the blink of an eye, brought me to a nearby, remote and uninhabited island.
I learned the kraken's name: Jormungandr, and since then (this was roughly four months ago, mind) have been peacefully enjoying my time on the same island, which I have named "Chief Mendez's Island". As I have not yet been able to communicate effectively with Jormungandr (and indeed, he rarely is around to attempt communication with), I have had nothing to do with myself but lie around, tend the fertile land of Chief Mendez's Island, and hang out on SWF with all my pals (using my wind-powered laptop made of sand and hermit crabs).
But one day soon, I will taste revenge. I will hunt down the red-leaf'd demons that stole my parents from me, and I will tear them limb from limb with my bear hands. The Earth will run red with blood. The accumulated filth of all their murder will foam up about their waists and all those *******s will look up and shout "Save us!"...
...and I will look down, and whisper "No."
/////
Aside from the kraken (whom I now reside with), all of my parents have at one point tried to devour me alive. Only constant vigilance and devotion to my martial studies have kept me alive this long.
Yes, it has been a harrowing journey. But I have survived. And I am all the stronger for it.
I was born to a drug-addled mother, who callously tossed me into a nearby dumpster after birthing me. So, alone, riddled with various drugs of all kinds, and cold, I did the only thing I could do: I cried.
I soon realized, however, that crying wasn't helping my situation, and I was rapidly coming ever closer to a cold, frozen death. Knowing this, I proceeded to physically beat the drugs out of my bloodstream with my tiny, yet powerful fists. I then ate my way through the plastic roof of the dumpster I was in, and warmed myself up with a light cross-country jog.
As I reached the Rocky Mountains, I suddenly found myself surrounded by hungry wolves. I managed to crush several of their skulls, but, tired as I was from my voyage, they eventually overpowered me. My still-soft cranium was literally inside the jaws of the pack leader when my first parents: Aslan, Bagheera, and Mufasa. The three mountain lions swiftly drove away the remaining wolves, and were about to claim their reward (my broken, bloody body)...but they sensed the pure, unfiltered greatness present within me, and, rather than consuming me, placed me on their shoulders and carried me back to their mountainside cave.
And so, for the next three years, I was raised in the most wild reaches of the Rocky Mountain Range, learning the ways of the world: hunting and preying on the weak, emitting feral screams to attract a mate, being only active near dusk and dawn, and (perhaps most importantly) being a combat helicopter.
However, it was not meant to be. One day, my adopted parents were all cruelly shot by local hunters. Only Mufasa managed to limp back to our cave, where I cradled him in my small, but already powerful arms, tears of pure love rolling down my cheeks. I believe I gave him some level of solace in his final moments.
The next day, I assassinated every man, woman and child in the area who has or had ever owned a hunting license, a rifle, camouflage pants, or who had in their life used the word "sport" in reference to the cold, inhuman act of taking another living thing's life for nothing but the sheer, barbaric thrill.
And so, with nothing left for me in the Rockies, I continued on in my quest, turning north, and eventually making my way to the Canadian outback.
/////
One day, I was casually eating my fill of the Caribou herd I had, moments before, brought down using nothing but a single pebble, when a large Grizzly Bear approached me, obviously looking for his next meal. I stood my ground, and as he approached, so did I.
During our epic, mortal struggle, the sheer force of will present within me contacted the bear's spirit, and instantly, we knew each other. While tending my fresh gouge wounds in a nearby stream, I learned my new parent's name: Wojtek. He had been the subject of several Canadian Government-funded experiments, resulting in him being bereft in a total, unending state of starvation; no matter how much Wojtek ate, he never could satiate himself. So, compassion filling my tiny, four-year frame, I devoted myself to helping him.
And so I hunted. Over the course of the next seven years, I made myself known across the country as "The Windigo", though of course, I was only a small boy at this time. Of course, I was uneducated in the ways of numbers, so had no notion at the time of how many animals I defeated in single combat for Wojtek's sake, but looking back, I would say...anywhere from five to seventy-eight hundred thousand.
At the end of this bloody, noble trail lay the Canadian Scientist's Headquarters, also known as "Mount Villainy". I climbed the jagged, sulfurous cliffs of that accursed rock for five days, never resting--for below me was Wojtek, barely alive and on his own: I had to do this as fast as possible. I infiltrated their foul lair, and found the anitdote to the illness afflicting my pitiable foster father. However, the Canadians discovered me on my way out, and I was forced into combat against an elite sect of Canada's greatest fighters: the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. When all was said and done, I limped out of the laboratory, bullet and saber wounds all across my battered body. One had even managed to gouge out one of my eyes with a hook mounted on a stump, where I presume a hand once was.
Despite my great cause, I found I could not maintain consciousness any longer. As I crested the summit, I passed out, cursing myself for failing at the task set before me...
/////
...Yet soon, I awoke: a cool breeze awakening me from my rest. I felt beneath me, and my hand touched against enormous, silken feathers. Yes, I was being held aloft on the back of a tremendous golden eagle. I reached out with my pure, most bare of emotions to the creature, telling her of Wojtek's plight.
...But, to my utter despair, she informed me that Wojtek had perished at the base of Mount Villainy. Her name was Aquila, and her nine siblings, Corvus, Flint, Cygnus, Huginn and Muginn, Simurgh, Mynah, and Old Great Auk, were on their way to Wojtek's aid on the command of the Bird King, Phoenix. But alas and alack, they arrived too late. Perhaps due to my leading him around the countryside, he was without the aid of the birdfolk.
I have always...blamed myself for that, I suppose.
With nothing to be done for poor Wojtek, I swore vengeance against the Royal Canadian Mountain Police, and continued East with my new, feathered family.
/////
I did not stay with the eagles for long, though. As we were flying over Tennesee, Huginn and Muginn attempted to steal the eyes from my sockets as I slept atop Old Great Auk's back. They held no alleigance to me or my journey, and so I do not blame them for this: it is only the natural law that when a thing is hungry, it must eat.
...However, it is also the way of the world that only the strongest survive. And so, reacting like barbed lightning, I arose, and tore the tongues from my attacker's gizzards, sending them both into uncontrollable, pain-induced free falls. I could immediately tell how well this went over with the other birds, and so I leapt from Auk's wing, pummeting to the ground hundreds of miles below me.
It is never a good idea to let oneself be surrounded by wrathful servants of the Bird King.
Handily, I had learned much from Aquila of the ways of flight, and though I possessed no wings, I used my knowledge to directionally influence myself toward a giant red and white speck, miles below me. As I reached terminal velocity, and the terrible inertia began to peel the very flesh from my bones, I again could not hold out, and I saw black.
When I awoke, I was staring up into the murderous eyes of an enormous African Elephant, or loxodonta africana, as they say in the West. Before he had the chance to gore or trample me, I sprung to my feet and delivered a kick so fierce it could shatter the trunk of a full-grown Redwood tree (and indeed, during my time in the North, it had done so, on several occasions) to the beast's head...but to my complete amazement, it bucked me away but with a brush of it's head! Suddenly and horrifyingly, I knew fear. For the first time in my life, I truly did not know whether I would be the victor of this contest of strength.
...Amazingly, though I no longer held any conception of victory, the thing did not approach me. It merely eyed me up, from head to toe several times, then, deciding something, turned to leave. With this relief, I examined my surroundings for the first time since arriving in this foreign locale. I discovered I had landed on the top of a giant circus tent, which would explain how all my bones were not of dust at this point. But I had little time to ponder the past, as my immortal warrior's soul was calling to me.
Thus, I was trained. My master, Orwell, was a fine teacher indeed. Raised on the barren plains of the Savannah, he had been born weak and alone, much like myself. He had spent most of his time there migrating from herd to herd, never fully accepted, and often physically assaulted for his ignoble origins and lowly station. But through it all, he never gave in, eventually defeating the Bull of a rival tribe in single combat, and thus becoming their herdmaster. For fifty years, he and his tribe roamed the Great Plains, conquering all and sparing none in their paths. He sired countless calves, and those he did not approve of were swiftly exiled. Like me, he held dearly to the Ways of the World. However, one day, while he was away on an expedition, black-suited men with loud, booming sticks and red, maple leaves on their backs came and destroyed his entire clan, stealing their proud tusks, not allowing even for a respectful burial. Enraged, Orwell took to the coast, hounding the men in black. Though they boarded their iron fish before he could catch them, he could see the way they traveled, and so, with a deep breath of the African air he loved more than life itself, he plunged beneath the waves, and ran along the Ocean's floor toward a new, alien world.
Once there, he was tired from his journey, and so laid down beneath a tall tree for rest. But--the fiends!--they ambushed him while he slept! He awoke, and crushed many underfoot, and his tusks were lined with bodies that day, but through sheer numbers and a traitorous tranquilizing poison, they brought him to his knees, and carried him off to their stronghold.
...Thankfully, he escaped: breaking out of the belly of their giant iron snake, he rampaged his way south until he found a lonely, secluded stretch of open land. It reminded him of his homeland, and that was good. For seven days and seven nights he wept for those lost to him. He would never see them again.
And so, when the circus came and erected their giant shelters, Orwell approached them. At first, they panicked, but in time, they came to accept him. Ever since, he had stayed with the group as they toured the country, performing for humans from all walks of life. It was not a dignified life, he told me, but a simple one. One deserving of a man who could not protect those closest to him.
/////
Under his tutelage, I learned much. In the span of a single year, I became a rival even to his great strength, and began to finally integrate myself into the world of man--through my performances in the circus as "The Whild Child", I learned the human tongue, and even made several "friends". In time, though, this was our downfall. Word spread of our famed performances, which eventually attracted the very same forces that had stolen so much from both my and Orwell's lives...
One fateful day, during the highlight act of our performance, Orwell toppled to the ground. I rushed to his side, but he batted me away with his trunk as he regained his footing. It was then I saw the enormous needle protruding from the side of his head. Furthermore, I finally noticed how oddly quiet the crowd had been, and looking out past the glare of the stage lights, I saw not a normal crowd--but the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. They had come to reclaim what was not theirs! I gave a roar that would enrapture even the coldest of puma vixens, and lunged toward my sworn enemies, but my way was suddenly blocked by Orwell's hulking body, which shuddered as a second salvo of poisoned darts punctured his thick hide. I knew what he was doing, but would not accept it--he was all that I had left.
...But, against my dearest wishes, he lifted me, kicking and screaming, in his trunk, trundled outside the tent, with every step being more harried as more and more Canadian venom assaulted his old body...and threw me into the sky with all of his remaining strength.
/////
I spent the following day, and part of the night soaring through the air, tears lashing their way off my face, falling behind me into my windstream. I beat my chest, gnashed my teeth, pulled my hair, and tore my flesh in penitence: once again, I had not been able to stand up and deliver justice, as a man should.
/////
I finally began to lose altitude as I came over the Atlantic Ocean, the same one Orwell had traveled on his road of revenge. After ricocheting off the surface of the waves for several miles, I was finally able to obtain my sea legs...or lack thereof. This was my first experience with the ocean, and I lacked Orwell's powerful elephantine lungs, so had no hope of walking back to shore. I though for sure I would perish, broken and alone, out there in the Great, Uncaring Blue...when something large and smooth wrapped itself around my leg. In a flurry of rushing water and coursing foam, I was pulled under, and found myself face to face with a truly gigantic creature--at least ten times the size of my now-deceased master! It's hundred arms grabbed me from all sides and tore at me, intent on breaking me open like some crude chestnut. But I would not have this. There was still much evil for me to cleanse in this world, and so I held off the monster's fatal embrace, making my body as steel. Apparently surprised at this turn of events, the leviathan brought me to the surface, and, in what seemed the blink of an eye, brought me to a nearby, remote and uninhabited island.
I learned the kraken's name: Jormungandr, and since then (this was roughly four months ago, mind) have been peacefully enjoying my time on the same island, which I have named "Chief Mendez's Island". As I have not yet been able to communicate effectively with Jormungandr (and indeed, he rarely is around to attempt communication with), I have had nothing to do with myself but lie around, tend the fertile land of Chief Mendez's Island, and hang out on SWF with all my pals (using my wind-powered laptop made of sand and hermit crabs).
But one day soon, I will taste revenge. I will hunt down the red-leaf'd demons that stole my parents from me, and I will tear them limb from limb with my bear hands. The Earth will run red with blood. The accumulated filth of all their murder will foam up about their waists and all those *******s will look up and shout "Save us!"...
...and I will look down, and whisper "No."
/////
Aside from the kraken (whom I now reside with), all of my parents have at one point tried to devour me alive. Only constant vigilance and devotion to my martial studies have kept me alive this long.
Yes, it has been a harrowing journey. But I have survived. And I am all the stronger for it.
I was born to a drug-addled mother, who callously tossed me into a nearby dumpster after birthing me. So, alone, riddled with various drugs of all kinds, and cold, I did the only thing I could do: I cried.
I soon realized, however, that crying wasn't helping my situation, and I was rapidly coming ever closer to a cold, frozen death. Knowing this, I proceeded to physically beat the drugs out of my bloodstream with my tiny, yet powerful fists. I then ate my way through the plastic roof of the dumpster I was in, and warmed myself up with a light cross-country jog.
As I reached the Rocky Mountains, I suddenly found myself surrounded by hungry wolves. I managed to crush several of their skulls, but, tired as I was from my voyage, they eventually overpowered me. My still-soft cranium was literally inside the jaws of the pack leader when my first parents: Aslan, Bagheera, and Mufasa. The three mountain lions swiftly drove away the remaining wolves, and were about to claim their reward (my broken, bloody body)...but they sensed the pure, unfiltered greatness present within me, and, rather than consuming me, placed me on their shoulders and carried me back to their mountainside cave.
And so, for the next three years, I was raised in the most wild reaches of the Rocky Mountain Range, learning the ways of the world: hunting and preying on the weak, emitting feral screams to attract a mate, being only active near dusk and dawn, and (perhaps most importantly) being a combat helicopter.
However, it was not meant to be. One day, my adopted parents were all cruelly shot by local hunters. Only Mufasa managed to limp back to our cave, where I cradled him in my small, but already powerful arms, tears of pure love rolling down my cheeks. I believe I gave him some level of solace in his final moments.
The next day, I assassinated every man, woman and child in the area who has or had ever owned a hunting license, a rifle, camouflage pants, or who had in their life used the word "sport" in reference to the cold, inhuman act of taking another living thing's life for nothing but the sheer, barbaric thrill.
And so, with nothing left for me in the Rockies, I continued on in my quest, turning north, and eventually making my way to the Canadian outback.
/////
One day, I was casually eating my fill of the Caribou herd I had, moments before, brought down using nothing but a single pebble, when a large Grizzly Bear approached me, obviously looking for his next meal. I stood my ground, and as he approached, so did I.
During our epic, mortal struggle, the sheer force of will present within me contacted the bear's spirit, and instantly, we knew each other. While tending my fresh gouge wounds in a nearby stream, I learned my new parent's name: Wojtek. He had been the subject of several Canadian Government-funded experiments, resulting in him being bereft in a total, unending state of starvation; no matter how much Wojtek ate, he never could satiate himself. So, compassion filling my tiny, four-year frame, I devoted myself to helping him.
And so I hunted. Over the course of the next seven years, I made myself known across the country as "The Windigo", though of course, I was only a small boy at this time. Of course, I was uneducated in the ways of numbers, so had no notion at the time of how many animals I defeated in single combat for Wojtek's sake, but looking back, I would say...anywhere from five to seventy-eight hundred thousand.
At the end of this bloody, noble trail lay the Canadian Scientist's Headquarters, also known as "Mount Villainy". I climbed the jagged, sulfurous cliffs of that accursed rock for five days, never resting--for below me was Wojtek, barely alive and on his own: I had to do this as fast as possible. I infiltrated their foul lair, and found the anitdote to the illness afflicting my pitiable foster father. However, the Canadians discovered me on my way out, and I was forced into combat against an elite sect of Canada's greatest fighters: the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. When all was said and done, I limped out of the laboratory, bullet and saber wounds all across my battered body. One had even managed to gouge out one of my eyes with a hook mounted on a stump, where I presume a hand once was.
Despite my great cause, I found I could not maintain consciousness any longer. As I crested the summit, I passed out, cursing myself for failing at the task set before me...
/////
...Yet soon, I awoke: a cool breeze awakening me from my rest. I felt beneath me, and my hand touched against enormous, silken feathers. Yes, I was being held aloft on the back of a tremendous golden eagle. I reached out with my pure, most bare of emotions to the creature, telling her of Wojtek's plight.
...But, to my utter despair, she informed me that Wojtek had perished at the base of Mount Villainy. Her name was Aquila, and her nine siblings, Corvus, Flint, Cygnus, Huginn and Muginn, Simurgh, Mynah, and Old Great Auk, were on their way to Wojtek's aid on the command of the Bird King, Phoenix. But alas and alack, they arrived too late. Perhaps due to my leading him around the countryside, he was without the aid of the birdfolk.
I have always...blamed myself for that, I suppose.
With nothing to be done for poor Wojtek, I swore vengeance against the Royal Canadian Mountain Police, and continued East with my new, feathered family.
/////
I did not stay with the eagles for long, though. As we were flying over Tennesee, Huginn and Muginn attempted to steal the eyes from my sockets as I slept atop Old Great Auk's back. They held no alleigance to me or my journey, and so I do not blame them for this: it is only the natural law that when a thing is hungry, it must eat.
...However, it is also the way of the world that only the strongest survive. And so, reacting like barbed lightning, I arose, and tore the tongues from my attacker's gizzards, sending them both into uncontrollable, pain-induced free falls. I could immediately tell how well this went over with the other birds, and so I leapt from Auk's wing, pummeting to the ground hundreds of miles below me.
It is never a good idea to let oneself be surrounded by wrathful servants of the Bird King.
Handily, I had learned much from Aquila of the ways of flight, and though I possessed no wings, I used my knowledge to directionally influence myself toward a giant red and white speck, miles below me. As I reached terminal velocity, and the terrible inertia began to peel the very flesh from my bones, I again could not hold out, and I saw black.
When I awoke, I was staring up into the murderous eyes of an enormous African Elephant, or loxodonta africana, as they say in the West. Before he had the chance to gore or trample me, I sprung to my feet and delivered a kick so fierce it could shatter the trunk of a full-grown Redwood tree (and indeed, during my time in the North, it had done so, on several occasions) to the beast's head...but to my complete amazement, it bucked me away but with a brush of it's head! Suddenly and horrifyingly, I knew fear. For the first time in my life, I truly did not know whether I would be the victor of this contest of strength.
...Amazingly, though I no longer held any conception of victory, the thing did not approach me. It merely eyed me up, from head to toe several times, then, deciding something, turned to leave. With this relief, I examined my surroundings for the first time since arriving in this foreign locale. I discovered I had landed on the top of a giant circus tent, which would explain how all my bones were not of dust at this point. But I had little time to ponder the past, as my immortal warrior's soul was calling to me.
Thus, I was trained. My master, Orwell, was a fine teacher indeed. Raised on the barren plains of the Savannah, he had been born weak and alone, much like myself. He had spent most of his time there migrating from herd to herd, never fully accepted, and often physically assaulted for his ignoble origins and lowly station. But through it all, he never gave in, eventually defeating the Bull of a rival tribe in single combat, and thus becoming their herdmaster. For fifty years, he and his tribe roamed the Great Plains, conquering all and sparing none in their paths. He sired countless calves, and those he did not approve of were swiftly exiled. Like me, he held dearly to the Ways of the World. However, one day, while he was away on an expedition, black-suited men with loud, booming sticks and red, maple leaves on their backs came and destroyed his entire clan, stealing their proud tusks, not allowing even for a respectful burial. Enraged, Orwell took to the coast, hounding the men in black. Though they boarded their iron fish before he could catch them, he could see the way they traveled, and so, with a deep breath of the African air he loved more than life itself, he plunged beneath the waves, and ran along the Ocean's floor toward a new, alien world.
Once there, he was tired from his journey, and so laid down beneath a tall tree for rest. But--the fiends!--they ambushed him while he slept! He awoke, and crushed many underfoot, and his tusks were lined with bodies that day, but through sheer numbers and a traitorous tranquilizing poison, they brought him to his knees, and carried him off to their stronghold.
...Thankfully, he escaped: breaking out of the belly of their giant iron snake, he rampaged his way south until he found a lonely, secluded stretch of open land. It reminded him of his homeland, and that was good. For seven days and seven nights he wept for those lost to him. He would never see them again.
And so, when the circus came and erected their giant shelters, Orwell approached them. At first, they panicked, but in time, they came to accept him. Ever since, he had stayed with the group as they toured the country, performing for humans from all walks of life. It was not a dignified life, he told me, but a simple one. One deserving of a man who could not protect those closest to him.
/////
Under his tutelage, I learned much. In the span of a single year, I became a rival even to his great strength, and began to finally integrate myself into the world of man--through my performances in the circus as "The Whild Child", I learned the human tongue, and even made several "friends". In time, though, this was our downfall. Word spread of our famed performances, which eventually attracted the very same forces that had stolen so much from both my and Orwell's lives...
One fateful day, during the highlight act of our performance, Orwell toppled to the ground. I rushed to his side, but he batted me away with his trunk as he regained his footing. It was then I saw the enormous needle protruding from the side of his head. Furthermore, I finally noticed how oddly quiet the crowd had been, and looking out past the glare of the stage lights, I saw not a normal crowd--but the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. They had come to reclaim what was not theirs! I gave a roar that would enrapture even the coldest of puma vixens, and lunged toward my sworn enemies, but my way was suddenly blocked by Orwell's hulking body, which shuddered as a second salvo of poisoned darts punctured his thick hide. I knew what he was doing, but would not accept it--he was all that I had left.
...But, against my dearest wishes, he lifted me, kicking and screaming, in his trunk, trundled outside the tent, with every step being more harried as more and more Canadian venom assaulted his old body...and threw me into the sky with all of his remaining strength.
/////
I spent the following day, and part of the night soaring through the air, tears lashing their way off my face, falling behind me into my windstream. I beat my chest, gnashed my teeth, pulled my hair, and tore my flesh in penitence: once again, I had not been able to stand up and deliver justice, as a man should.
/////
I finally began to lose altitude as I came over the Atlantic Ocean, the same one Orwell had traveled on his road of revenge. After ricocheting off the surface of the waves for several miles, I was finally able to obtain my sea legs...or lack thereof. This was my first experience with the ocean, and I lacked Orwell's powerful elephantine lungs, so had no hope of walking back to shore. I though for sure I would perish, broken and alone, out there in the Great, Uncaring Blue...when something large and smooth wrapped itself around my leg. In a flurry of rushing water and coursing foam, I was pulled under, and found myself face to face with a truly gigantic creature--at least ten times the size of my now-deceased master! It's hundred arms grabbed me from all sides and tore at me, intent on breaking me open like some crude chestnut. But I would not have this. There was still much evil for me to cleanse in this world, and so I held off the monster's fatal embrace, making my body as steel. Apparently surprised at this turn of events, the leviathan brought me to the surface, and, in what seemed the blink of an eye, brought me to a nearby, remote and uninhabited island.
I learned the kraken's name: Jormungandr, and since then (this was roughly four months ago, mind) have been peacefully enjoying my time on the same island, which I have named "Chief Mendez's Island". As I have not yet been able to communicate effectively with Jormungandr (and indeed, he rarely is around to attempt communication with), I have had nothing to do with myself but lie around, tend the fertile land of Chief Mendez's Island, and hang out on SWF with all my pals (using my wind-powered laptop made of sand and hermit crabs).
But one day soon, I will taste revenge. I will hunt down the red-leaf'd demons that stole my parents from me, and I will tear them limb from limb with my bear hands. The Earth will run red with blood. The accumulated filth of all their murder will foam up about their waists and all those *******s will look up and shout "Save us!"...
...and I will look down, and whisper "No."
/////
Aside from the kraken (whom I now reside with), all of my parents have at one point tried to devour me alive. Only constant vigilance and devotion to my martial studies have kept me alive this long.
Yes, it has been a harrowing journey. But I have survived. And I am all the stronger for it.
I was born to a drug-addled mother, who callously tossed me into a nearby dumpster after birthing me. So, alone, riddled with various drugs of all kinds, and cold, I did the only thing I could do: I cried.
I soon realized, however, that crying wasn't helping my situation, and I was rapidly coming ever closer to a cold, frozen death. Knowing this, I proceeded to physically beat the drugs out of my bloodstream with my tiny, yet powerful fists. I then ate my way through the plastic roof of the dumpster I was in, and warmed myself up with a light cross-country jog.
As I reached the Rocky Mountains, I suddenly found myself surrounded by hungry wolves. I managed to crush several of their skulls, but, tired as I was from my voyage, they eventually overpowered me. My still-soft cranium was literally inside the jaws of the pack leader when my first parents: Aslan, Bagheera, and Mufasa. The three mountain lions swiftly drove away the remaining wolves, and were about to claim their reward (my broken, bloody body)...but they sensed the pure, unfiltered greatness present within me, and, rather than consuming me, placed me on their shoulders and carried me back to their mountainside cave.
And so, for the next three years, I was raised in the most wild reaches of the Rocky Mountain Range, learning the ways of the world: hunting and preying on the weak, emitting feral screams to attract a mate, being only active near dusk and dawn, and (perhaps most importantly) being a combat helicopter.
However, it was not meant to be. One day, my adopted parents were all cruelly shot by local hunters. Only Mufasa managed to limp back to our cave, where I cradled him in my small, but already powerful arms, tears of pure love rolling down my cheeks. I believe I gave him some level of solace in his final moments.
The next day, I assassinated every man, woman and child in the area who has or had ever owned a hunting license, a rifle, camouflage pants, or who had in their life used the word "sport" in reference to the cold, inhuman act of taking another living thing's life for nothing but the sheer, barbaric thrill.
And so, with nothing left for me in the Rockies, I continued on in my quest, turning north, and eventually making my way to the Canadian outback.
/////
One day, I was casually eating my fill of the Caribou herd I had, moments before, brought down using nothing but a single pebble, when a large Grizzly Bear approached me, obviously looking for his next meal. I stood my ground, and as he approached, so did I.
During our epic, mortal struggle, the sheer force of will present within me contacted the bear's spirit, and instantly, we knew each other. While tending my fresh gouge wounds in a nearby stream, I learned my new parent's name: Wojtek. He had been the subject of several Canadian Government-funded experiments, resulting in him being bereft in a total, unending state of starvation; no matter how much Wojtek ate, he never could satiate himself. So, compassion filling my tiny, four-year frame, I devoted myself to helping him.
And so I hunted. Over the course of the next seven years, I made myself known across the country as "The Windigo", though of course, I was only a small boy at this time. Of course, I was uneducated in the ways of numbers, so had no notion at the time of how many animals I defeated in single combat for Wojtek's sake, but looking back, I would say...anywhere from five to seventy-eight hundred thousand.
At the end of this bloody, noble trail lay the Canadian Scientist's Headquarters, also known as "Mount Villainy". I climbed the jagged, sulfurous cliffs of that accursed rock for five days, never resting--for below me was Wojtek, barely alive and on his own: I had to do this as fast as possible. I infiltrated their foul lair, and found the anitdote to the illness afflicting my pitiable foster father. However, the Canadians discovered me on my way out, and I was forced into combat against an elite sect of Canada's greatest fighters: the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. When all was said and done, I limped out of the laboratory, bullet and saber wounds all across my battered body. One had even managed to gouge out one of my eyes with a hook mounted on a stump, where I presume a hand once was.
Despite my great cause, I found I could not maintain consciousness any longer. As I crested the summit, I passed out, cursing myself for failing at the task set before me...
/////
...Yet soon, I awoke: a cool breeze awakening me from my rest. I felt beneath me, and my hand touched against enormous, silken feathers. Yes, I was being held aloft on the back of a tremendous golden eagle. I reached out with my pure, most bare of emotions to the creature, telling her of Wojtek's plight.
...But, to my utter despair, she informed me that Wojtek had perished at the base of Mount Villainy. Her name was Aquila, and her nine siblings, Corvus, Flint, Cygnus, Huginn and Muginn, Simurgh, Mynah, and Old Great Auk, were on their way to Wojtek's aid on the command of the Bird King, Phoenix. But alas and alack, they arrived too late. Perhaps due to my leading him around the countryside, he was without the aid of the birdfolk.
I have always...blamed myself for that, I suppose.
With nothing to be done for poor Wojtek, I swore vengeance against the Royal Canadian Mountain Police, and continued East with my new, feathered family.
/////
I did not stay with the eagles for long, though. As we were flying over Tennesee, Huginn and Muginn attempted to steal the eyes from my sockets as I slept atop Old Great Auk's back. They held no alleigance to me or my journey, and so I do not blame them for this: it is only the natural law that when a thing is hungry, it must eat.
...However, it is also the way of the world that only the strongest survive. And so, reacting like barbed lightning, I arose, and tore the tongues from my attacker's gizzards, sending them both into uncontrollable, pain-induced free falls. I could immediately tell how well this went over with the other birds, and so I leapt from Auk's wing, pummeting to the ground hundreds of miles below me.
It is never a good idea to let oneself be surrounded by wrathful servants of the Bird King.
Handily, I had learned much from Aquila of the ways of flight, and though I possessed no wings, I used my knowledge to directionally influence myself toward a giant red and white speck, miles below me. As I reached terminal velocity, and the terrible inertia began to peel the very flesh from my bones, I again could not hold out, and I saw black.
When I awoke, I was staring up into the murderous eyes of an enormous African Elephant, or loxodonta africana, as they say in the West. Before he had the chance to gore or trample me, I sprung to my feet and delivered a kick so fierce it could shatter the trunk of a full-grown Redwood tree (and indeed, during my time in the North, it had done so, on several occasions) to the beast's head...but to my complete amazement, it bucked me away but with a brush of it's head! Suddenly and horrifyingly, I knew fear. For the first time in my life, I truly did not know whether I would be the victor of this contest of strength.
...Amazingly, though I no longer held any conception of victory, the thing did not approach me. It merely eyed me up, from head to toe several times, then, deciding something, turned to leave. With this relief, I examined my surroundings for the first time since arriving in this foreign locale. I discovered I had landed on the top of a giant circus tent, which would explain how all my bones were not of dust at this point. But I had little time to ponder the past, as my immortal warrior's soul was calling to me.
Thus, I was trained. My master, Orwell, was a fine teacher indeed. Raised on the barren plains of the Savannah, he had been born weak and alone, much like myself. He had spent most of his time there migrating from herd to herd, never fully accepted, and often physically assaulted for his ignoble origins and lowly station. But through it all, he never gave in, eventually defeating the Bull of a rival tribe in single combat, and thus becoming their herdmaster. For fifty years, he and his tribe roamed the Great Plains, conquering all and sparing none in their paths. He sired countless calves, and those he did not approve of were swiftly exiled. Like me, he held dearly to the Ways of the World. However, one day, while he was away on an expedition, black-suited men with loud, booming sticks and red, maple leaves on their backs came and destroyed his entire clan, stealing their proud tusks, not allowing even for a respectful burial. Enraged, Orwell took to the coast, hounding the men in black. Though they boarded their iron fish before he could catch them, he could see the way they traveled, and so, with a deep breath of the African air he loved more than life itself, he plunged beneath the waves, and ran along the Ocean's floor toward a new, alien world.
Once there, he was tired from his journey, and so laid down beneath a tall tree for rest. But--the fiends!--they ambushed him while he slept! He awoke, and crushed many underfoot, and his tusks were lined with bodies that day, but through sheer numbers and a traitorous tranquilizing poison, they brought him to his knees, and carried him off to their stronghold.
...Thankfully, he escaped: breaking out of the belly of their giant iron snake, he rampaged his way south until he found a lonely, secluded stretch of open land. It reminded him of his homeland, and that was good. For seven days and seven nights he wept for those lost to him. He would never see them again.
And so, when the circus came and erected their giant shelters, Orwell approached them. At first, they panicked, but in time, they came to accept him. Ever since, he had stayed with the group as they toured the country, performing for humans from all walks of life. It was not a dignified life, he told me, but a simple one. One deserving of a man who could not protect those closest to him.
/////
Under his tutelage, I learned much. In the span of a single year, I became a rival even to his great strength, and began to finally integrate myself into the world of man--through my performances in the circus as "The Whild Child", I learned the human tongue, and even made several "friends". In time, though, this was our downfall. Word spread of our famed performances, which eventually attracted the very same forces that had stolen so much from both my and Orwell's lives...
One fateful day, during the highlight act of our performance, Orwell toppled to the ground. I rushed to his side, but he batted me away with his trunk as he regained his footing. It was then I saw the enormous needle protruding from the side of his head. Furthermore, I finally noticed how oddly quiet the crowd had been, and looking out past the glare of the stage lights, I saw not a normal crowd--but the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. They had come to reclaim what was not theirs! I gave a roar that would enrapture even the coldest of puma vixens, and lunged toward my sworn enemies, but my way was suddenly blocked by Orwell's hulking body, which shuddered as a second salvo of poisoned darts punctured his thick hide. I knew what he was doing, but would not accept it--he was all that I had left.
...But, against my dearest wishes, he lifted me, kicking and screaming, in his trunk, trundled outside the tent, with every step being more harried as more and more Canadian venom assaulted his old body...and threw me into the sky with all of his remaining strength.
/////
I spent the following day, and part of the night soaring through the air, tears lashing their way off my face, falling behind me into my windstream. I beat my chest, gnashed my teeth, pulled my hair, and tore my flesh in penitence: once again, I had not been able to stand up and deliver justice, as a man should.
/////
I finally began to lose altitude as I came over the Atlantic Ocean, the same one Orwell had traveled on his road of revenge. After ricocheting off the surface of the waves for several miles, I was finally able to obtain my sea legs...or lack thereof. This was my first experience with the ocean, and I lacked Orwell's powerful elephantine lungs, so had no hope of walking back to shore. I though for sure I would perish, broken and alone, out there in the Great, Uncaring Blue...when something large and smooth wrapped itself around my leg. In a flurry of rushing water and coursing foam, I was pulled under, and found myself face to face with a truly gigantic creature--at least ten times the size of my now-deceased master! It's hundred arms grabbed me from all sides and tore at me, intent on breaking me open like some crude chestnut. But I would not have this. There was still much evil for me to cleanse in this world, and so I held off the monster's fatal embrace, making my body as steel. Apparently surprised at this turn of events, the leviathan brought me to the surface, and, in what seemed the blink of an eye, brought me to a nearby, remote and uninhabited island.
I learned the kraken's name: Jormungandr, and since then (this was roughly four months ago, mind) have been peacefully enjoying my time on the same island, which I have named "Chief Mendez's Island". As I have not yet been able to communicate effectively with Jormungandr (and indeed, he rarely is around to attempt communication with), I have had nothing to do with myself but lie around, tend the fertile land of Chief Mendez's Island, and hang out on SWF with all my pals (using my wind-powered laptop made of sand and hermit crabs).
But one day soon, I will taste revenge. I will hunt down the red-leaf'd demons that stole my parents from me, and I will tear them limb from limb with my bear hands. The Earth will run red with blood. The accumulated filth of all their murder will foam up about their waists and all those *******s will look up and shout "Save us!"...
...and I will look down, and whisper "No."
/////
Aside from the kraken (whom I now reside with), all of my parents have at one point tried to devour me alive. Only constant vigilance and devotion to my martial studies have kept me alive this long.
Yes, it has been a harrowing journey. But I have survived. And I am all the stronger for it.
I was born to a drug-addled mother, who callously tossed me into a nearby dumpster after birthing me. So, alone, riddled with various drugs of all kinds, and cold, I did the only thing I could do: I cried.
I soon realized, however, that crying wasn't helping my situation, and I was rapidly coming ever closer to a cold, frozen death. Knowing this, I proceeded to physically beat the drugs out of my bloodstream with my tiny, yet powerful fists. I then ate my way through the plastic roof of the dumpster I was in, and warmed myself up with a light cross-country jog.
As I reached the Rocky Mountains, I suddenly found myself surrounded by hungry wolves. I managed to crush several of their skulls, but, tired as I was from my voyage, they eventually overpowered me. My still-soft cranium was literally inside the jaws of the pack leader when my first parents: Aslan, Bagheera, and Mufasa. The three mountain lions swiftly drove away the remaining wolves, and were about to claim their reward (my broken, bloody body)...but they sensed the pure, unfiltered greatness present within me, and, rather than consuming me, placed me on their shoulders and carried me back to their mountainside cave.
And so, for the next three years, I was raised in the most wild reaches of the Rocky Mountain Range, learning the ways of the world: hunting and preying on the weak, emitting feral screams to attract a mate, being only active near dusk and dawn, and (perhaps most importantly) being a combat helicopter.
However, it was not meant to be. One day, my adopted parents were all cruelly shot by local hunters. Only Mufasa managed to limp back to our cave, where I cradled him in my small, but already powerful arms, tears of pure love rolling down my cheeks. I believe I gave him some level of solace in his final moments.
The next day, I assassinated every man, woman and child in the area who has or had ever owned a hunting license, a rifle, camouflage pants, or who had in their life used the word "sport" in reference to the cold, inhuman act of taking another living thing's life for nothing but the sheer, barbaric thrill.
And so, with nothing left for me in the Rockies, I continued on in my quest, turning north, and eventually making my way to the Canadian outback.
/////
One day, I was casually eating my fill of the Caribou herd I had, moments before, brought down using nothing but a single pebble, when a large Grizzly Bear approached me, obviously looking for his next meal. I stood my ground, and as he approached, so did I.
During our epic, mortal struggle, the sheer force of will present within me contacted the bear's spirit, and instantly, we knew each other. While tending my fresh gouge wounds in a nearby stream, I learned my new parent's name: Wojtek. He had been the subject of several Canadian Government-funded experiments, resulting in him being bereft in a total, unending state of starvation; no matter how much Wojtek ate, he never could satiate himself. So, compassion filling my tiny, four-year frame, I devoted myself to helping him.
And so I hunted. Over the course of the next seven years, I made myself known across the country as "The Windigo", though of course, I was only a small boy at this time. Of course, I was uneducated in the ways of numbers, so had no notion at the time of how many animals I defeated in single combat for Wojtek's sake, but looking back, I would say...anywhere from five to seventy-eight hundred thousand.
At the end of this bloody, noble trail lay the Canadian Scientist's Headquarters, also known as "Mount Villainy". I climbed the jagged, sulfurous cliffs of that accursed rock for five days, never resting--for below me was Wojtek, barely alive and on his own: I had to do this as fast as possible. I infiltrated their foul lair, and found the anitdote to the illness afflicting my pitiable foster father. However, the Canadians discovered me on my way out, and I was forced into combat against an elite sect of Canada's greatest fighters: the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. When all was said and done, I limped out of the laboratory, bullet and saber wounds all across my battered body. One had even managed to gouge out one of my eyes with a hook mounted on a stump, where I presume a hand once was.
Despite my great cause, I found I could not maintain consciousness any longer. As I crested the summit, I passed out, cursing myself for failing at the task set before me...
/////
...Yet soon, I awoke: a cool breeze awakening me from my rest. I felt beneath me, and my hand touched against enormous, silken feathers. Yes, I was being held aloft on the back of a tremendous golden eagle. I reached out with my pure, most bare of emotions to the creature, telling her of Wojtek's plight.
...But, to my utter despair, she informed me that Wojtek had perished at the base of Mount Villainy. Her name was Aquila, and her nine siblings, Corvus, Flint, Cygnus, Huginn and Muginn, Simurgh, Mynah, and Old Great Auk, were on their way to Wojtek's aid on the command of the Bird King, Phoenix. But alas and alack, they arrived too late. Perhaps due to my leading him around the countryside, he was without the aid of the birdfolk.
I have always...blamed myself for that, I suppose.
With nothing to be done for poor Wojtek, I swore vengeance against the Royal Canadian Mountain Police, and continued East with my new, feathered family.
/////
I did not stay with the eagles for long, though. As we were flying over Tennesee, Huginn and Muginn attempted to steal the eyes from my sockets as I slept atop Old Great Auk's back. They held no alleigance to me or my journey, and so I do not blame them for this: it is only the natural law that when a thing is hungry, it must eat.
...However, it is also the way of the world that only the strongest survive. And so, reacting like barbed lightning, I arose, and tore the tongues from my attacker's gizzards, sending them both into uncontrollable, pain-induced free falls. I could immediately tell how well this went over with the other birds, and so I leapt from Auk's wing, pummeting to the ground hundreds of miles below me.
It is never a good idea to let oneself be surrounded by wrathful servants of the Bird King.
Handily, I had learned much from Aquila of the ways of flight, and though I possessed no wings, I used my knowledge to directionally influence myself toward a giant red and white speck, miles below me. As I reached terminal velocity, and the terrible inertia began to peel the very flesh from my bones, I again could not hold out, and I saw black.
When I awoke, I was staring up into the murderous eyes of an enormous African Elephant, or loxodonta africana, as they say in the West. Before he had the chance to gore or trample me, I sprung to my feet and delivered a kick so fierce it could shatter the trunk of a full-grown Redwood tree (and indeed, during my time in the North, it had done so, on several occasions) to the beast's head...but to my complete amazement, it bucked me away but with a brush of it's head! Suddenly and horrifyingly, I knew fear. For the first time in my life, I truly did not know whether I would be the victor of this contest of strength.
...Amazingly, though I no longer held any conception of victory, the thing did not approach me. It merely eyed me up, from head to toe several times, then, deciding something, turned to leave. With this relief, I examined my surroundings for the first time since arriving in this foreign locale. I discovered I had landed on the top of a giant circus tent, which would explain how all my bones were not of dust at this point. But I had little time to ponder the past, as my immortal warrior's soul was calling to me.
Thus, I was trained. My master, Orwell, was a fine teacher indeed. Raised on the barren plains of the Savannah, he had been born weak and alone, much like myself. He had spent most of his time there migrating from herd to herd, never fully accepted, and often physically assaulted for his ignoble origins and lowly station. But through it all, he never gave in, eventually defeating the Bull of a rival tribe in single combat, and thus becoming their herdmaster. For fifty years, he and his tribe roamed the Great Plains, conquering all and sparing none in their paths. He sired countless calves, and those he did not approve of were swiftly exiled. Like me, he held dearly to the Ways of the World. However, one day, while he was away on an expedition, black-suited men with loud, booming sticks and red, maple leaves on their backs came and destroyed his entire clan, stealing their proud tusks, not allowing even for a respectful burial. Enraged, Orwell took to the coast, hounding the men in black. Though they boarded their iron fish before he could catch them, he could see the way they traveled, and so, with a deep breath of the African air he loved more than life itself, he plunged beneath the waves, and ran along the Ocean's floor toward a new, alien world.
Once there, he was tired from his journey, and so laid down beneath a tall tree for rest. But--the fiends!--they ambushed him while he slept! He awoke, and crushed many underfoot, and his tusks were lined with bodies that day, but through sheer numbers and a traitorous tranquilizing poison, they brought him to his knees, and carried him off to their stronghold.
...Thankfully, he escaped: breaking out of the belly of their giant iron snake, he rampaged his way south until he found a lonely, secluded stretch of open land. It reminded him of his homeland, and that was good. For seven days and seven nights he wept for those lost to him. He would never see them again.
And so, when the circus came and erected their giant shelters, Orwell approached them. At first, they panicked, but in time, they came to accept him. Ever since, he had stayed with the group as they toured the country, performing for humans from all walks of life. It was not a dignified life, he told me, but a simple one. One deserving of a man who could not protect those closest to him.
/////
Under his tutelage, I learned much. In the span of a single year, I became a rival even to his great strength, and began to finally integrate myself into the world of man--through my performances in the circus as "The Whild Child", I learned the human tongue, and even made several "friends". In time, though, this was our downfall. Word spread of our famed performances, which eventually attracted the very same forces that had stolen so much from both my and Orwell's lives...
One fateful day, during the highlight act of our performance, Orwell toppled to the ground. I rushed to his side, but he batted me away with his trunk as he regained his footing. It was then I saw the enormous needle protruding from the side of his head. Furthermore, I finally noticed how oddly quiet the crowd had been, and looking out past the glare of the stage lights, I saw not a normal crowd--but the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. They had come to reclaim what was not theirs! I gave a roar that would enrapture even the coldest of puma vixens, and lunged toward my sworn enemies, but my way was suddenly blocked by Orwell's hulking body, which shuddered as a second salvo of poisoned darts punctured his thick hide. I knew what he was doing, but would not accept it--he was all that I had left.
...But, against my dearest wishes, he lifted me, kicking and screaming, in his trunk, trundled outside the tent, with every step being more harried as more and more Canadian venom assaulted his old body...and threw me into the sky with all of his remaining strength.
/////
I spent the following day, and part of the night soaring through the air, tears lashing their way off my face, falling behind me into my windstream. I beat my chest, gnashed my teeth, pulled my hair, and tore my flesh in penitence: once again, I had not been able to stand up and deliver justice, as a man should.
/////
I finally began to lose altitude as I came over the Atlantic Ocean, the same one Orwell had traveled on his road of revenge. After ricocheting off the surface of the waves for several miles, I was finally able to obtain my sea legs...or lack thereof. This was my first experience with the ocean, and I lacked Orwell's powerful elephantine lungs, so had no hope of walking back to shore. I though for sure I would perish, broken and alone, out there in the Great, Uncaring Blue...when something large and smooth wrapped itself around my leg. In a flurry of rushing water and coursing foam, I was pulled under, and found myself face to face with a truly gigantic creature--at least ten times the size of my now-deceased master! It's hundred arms grabbed me from all sides and tore at me, intent on breaking me open like some crude chestnut. But I would not have this. There was still much evil for me to cleanse in this world, and so I held off the monster's fatal embrace, making my body as steel. Apparently surprised at this turn of events, the leviathan brought me to the surface, and, in what seemed the blink of an eye, brought me to a nearby, remote and uninhabited island.
I learned the kraken's name: Jormungandr, and since then (this was roughly four months ago, mind) have been peacefully enjoying my time on the same island, which I have named "Chief Mendez's Island". As I have not yet been able to communicate effectively with Jormungandr (and indeed, he rarely is around to attempt communication with), I have had nothing to do with myself but lie around, tend the fertile land of Chief Mendez's Island, and hang out on SWF with all my pals (using my wind-powered laptop made of sand and hermit crabs).
But one day soon, I will taste revenge. I will hunt down the red-leaf'd demons that stole my parents from me, and I will tear them limb from limb with my bear hands. The Earth will run red with blood. The accumulated filth of all their murder will foam up about their waists and all those *******s will look up and shout "Save us!"...
...and I will look down, and whisper "No."
/////
Aside from the kraken (whom I now reside with), all of my parents have at one point tried to devour me alive. Only constant vigilance and devotion to my martial studies have kept me alive this long.
Yes, it has been a harrowing journey. But I have survived. And I am all the stronger for it.
I was born to a drug-addled mother, who callously tossed me into a nearby dumpster after birthing me. So, alone, riddled with various drugs of all kinds, and cold, I did the only thing I could do: I cried.
I soon realized, however, that crying wasn't helping my situation, and I was rapidly coming ever closer to a cold, frozen death. Knowing this, I proceeded to physically beat the drugs out of my bloodstream with my tiny, yet powerful fists. I then ate my way through the plastic roof of the dumpster I was in, and warmed myself up with a light cross-country jog.
As I reached the Rocky Mountains, I suddenly found myself surrounded by hungry wolves. I managed to crush several of their skulls, but, tired as I was from my voyage, they eventually overpowered me. My still-soft cranium was literally inside the jaws of the pack leader when my first parents: Aslan, Bagheera, and Mufasa. The three mountain lions swiftly drove away the remaining wolves, and were about to claim their reward (my broken, bloody body)...but they sensed the pure, unfiltered greatness present within me, and, rather than consuming me, placed me on their shoulders and carried me back to their mountainside cave.
And so, for the next three years, I was raised in the most wild reaches of the Rocky Mountain Range, learning the ways of the world: hunting and preying on the weak, emitting feral screams to attract a mate, being only active near dusk and dawn, and (perhaps most importantly) being a combat helicopter.
However, it was not meant to be. One day, my adopted parents were all cruelly shot by local hunters. Only Mufasa managed to limp back to our cave, where I cradled him in my small, but already powerful arms, tears of pure love rolling down my cheeks. I believe I gave him some level of solace in his final moments.
The next day, I assassinated every man, woman and child in the area who has or had ever owned a hunting license, a rifle, camouflage pants, or who had in their life used the word "sport" in reference to the cold, inhuman act of taking another living thing's life for nothing but the sheer, barbaric thrill.
And so, with nothing left for me in the Rockies, I continued on in my quest, turning north, and eventually making my way to the Canadian outback.
/////
One day, I was casually eating my fill of the Caribou herd I had, moments before, brought down using nothing but a single pebble, when a large Grizzly Bear approached me, obviously looking for his next meal. I stood my ground, and as he approached, so did I.
During our epic, mortal struggle, the sheer force of will present within me contacted the bear's spirit, and instantly, we knew each other. While tending my fresh gouge wounds in a nearby stream, I learned my new parent's name: Wojtek. He had been the subject of several Canadian Government-funded experiments, resulting in him being bereft in a total, unending state of starvation; no matter how much Wojtek ate, he never could satiate himself. So, compassion filling my tiny, four-year frame, I devoted myself to helping him.
And so I hunted. Over the course of the next seven years, I made myself known across the country as "The Windigo", though of course, I was only a small boy at this time. Of course, I was uneducated in the ways of numbers, so had no notion at the time of how many animals I defeated in single combat for Wojtek's sake, but looking back, I would say...anywhere from five to seventy-eight hundred thousand.
At the end of this bloody, noble trail lay the Canadian Scientist's Headquarters, also known as "Mount Villainy". I climbed the jagged, sulfurous cliffs of that accursed rock for five days, never resting--for below me was Wojtek, barely alive and on his own: I had to do this as fast as possible. I infiltrated their foul lair, and found the anitdote to the illness afflicting my pitiable foster father. However, the Canadians discovered me on my way out, and I was forced into combat against an elite sect of Canada's greatest fighters: the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. When all was said and done, I limped out of the laboratory, bullet and saber wounds all across my battered body. One had even managed to gouge out one of my eyes with a hook mounted on a stump, where I presume a hand once was.
Despite my great cause, I found I could not maintain consciousness any longer. As I crested the summit, I passed out, cursing myself for failing at the task set before me...
/////
...Yet soon, I awoke: a cool breeze awakening me from my rest. I felt beneath me, and my hand touched against enormous, silken feathers. Yes, I was being held aloft on the back of a tremendous golden eagle. I reached out with my pure, most bare of emotions to the creature, telling her of Wojtek's plight.
...But, to my utter despair, she informed me that Wojtek had perished at the base of Mount Villainy. Her name was Aquila, and her nine siblings, Corvus, Flint, Cygnus, Huginn and Muginn, Simurgh, Mynah, and Old Great Auk, were on their way to Wojtek's aid on the command of the Bird King, Phoenix. But alas and alack, they arrived too late. Perhaps due to my leading him around the countryside, he was without the aid of the birdfolk.
I have always...blamed myself for that, I suppose.
With nothing to be done for poor Wojtek, I swore vengeance against the Royal Canadian Mountain Police, and continued East with my new, feathered family.
/////
I did not stay with the eagles for long, though. As we were flying over Tennesee, Huginn and Muginn attempted to steal the eyes from my sockets as I slept atop Old Great Auk's back. They held no alleigance to me or my journey, and so I do not blame them for this: it is only the natural law that when a thing is hungry, it must eat.
...However, it is also the way of the world that only the strongest survive. And so, reacting like barbed lightning, I arose, and tore the tongues from my attacker's gizzards, sending them both into uncontrollable, pain-induced free falls. I could immediately tell how well this went over with the other birds, and so I leapt from Auk's wing, pummeting to the ground hundreds of miles below me.
It is never a good idea to let oneself be surrounded by wrathful servants of the Bird King.
Handily, I had learned much from Aquila of the ways of flight, and though I possessed no wings, I used my knowledge to directionally influence myself toward a giant red and white speck, miles below me. As I reached terminal velocity, and the terrible inertia began to peel the very flesh from my bones, I again could not hold out, and I saw black.
When I awoke, I was staring up into the murderous eyes of an enormous African Elephant, or loxodonta africana, as they say in the West. Before he had the chance to gore or trample me, I sprung to my feet and delivered a kick so fierce it could shatter the trunk of a full-grown Redwood tree (and indeed, during my time in the North, it had done so, on several occasions) to the beast's head...but to my complete amazement, it bucked me away but with a brush of it's head! Suddenly and horrifyingly, I knew fear. For the first time in my life, I truly did not know whether I would be the victor of this contest of strength.
...Amazingly, though I no longer held any conception of victory, the thing did not approach me. It merely eyed me up, from head to toe several times, then, deciding something, turned to leave. With this relief, I examined my surroundings for the first time since arriving in this foreign locale. I discovered I had landed on the top of a giant circus tent, which would explain how all my bones were not of dust at this point. But I had little time to ponder the past, as my immortal warrior's soul was calling to me.
Thus, I was trained. My master, Orwell, was a fine teacher indeed. Raised on the barren plains of the Savannah, he had been born weak and alone, much like myself. He had spent most of his time there migrating from herd to herd, never fully accepted, and often physically assaulted for his ignoble origins and lowly station. But through it all, he never gave in, eventually defeating the Bull of a rival tribe in single combat, and thus becoming their herdmaster. For fifty years, he and his tribe roamed the Great Plains, conquering all and sparing none in their paths. He sired countless calves, and those he did not approve of were swiftly exiled. Like me, he held dearly to the Ways of the World. However, one day, while he was away on an expedition, black-suited men with loud, booming sticks and red, maple leaves on their backs came and destroyed his entire clan, stealing their proud tusks, not allowing even for a respectful burial. Enraged, Orwell took to the coast, hounding the men in black. Though they boarded their iron fish before he could catch them, he could see the way they traveled, and so, with a deep breath of the African air he loved more than life itself, he plunged beneath the waves, and ran along the Ocean's floor toward a new, alien world.
Once there, he was tired from his journey, and so laid down beneath a tall tree for rest. But--the fiends!--they ambushed him while he slept! He awoke, and crushed many underfoot, and his tusks were lined with bodies that day, but through sheer numbers and a traitorous tranquilizing poison, they brought him to his knees, and carried him off to their stronghold.
...Thankfully, he escaped: breaking out of the belly of their giant iron snake, he rampaged his way south until he found a lonely, secluded stretch of open land. It reminded him of his homeland, and that was good. For seven days and seven nights he wept for those lost to him. He would never see them again.
And so, when the circus came and erected their giant shelters, Orwell approached them. At first, they panicked, but in time, they came to accept him. Ever since, he had stayed with the group as they toured the country, performing for humans from all walks of life. It was not a dignified life, he told me, but a simple one. One deserving of a man who could not protect those closest to him.
/////
Under his tutelage, I learned much. In the span of a single year, I became a rival even to his great strength, and began to finally integrate myself into the world of man--through my performances in the circus as "The Whild Child", I learned the human tongue, and even made several "friends". In time, though, this was our downfall. Word spread of our famed performances, which eventually attracted the very same forces that had stolen so much from both my and Orwell's lives...
One fateful day, during the highlight act of our performance, Orwell toppled to the ground. I rushed to his side, but he batted me away with his trunk as he regained his footing. It was then I saw the enormous needle protruding from the side of his head. Furthermore, I finally noticed how oddly quiet the crowd had been, and looking out past the glare of the stage lights, I saw not a normal crowd--but the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. They had come to reclaim what was not theirs! I gave a roar that would enrapture even the coldest of puma vixens, and lunged toward my sworn enemies, but my way was suddenly blocked by Orwell's hulking body, which shuddered as a second salvo of poisoned darts punctured his thick hide. I knew what he was doing, but would not accept it--he was all that I had left.
...But, against my dearest wishes, he lifted me, kicking and screaming, in his trunk, trundled outside the tent, with every step being more harried as more and more Canadian venom assaulted his old body...and threw me into the sky with all of his remaining strength.
/////
I spent the following day, and part of the night soaring through the air, tears lashing their way off my face, falling behind me into my windstream. I beat my chest, gnashed my teeth, pulled my hair, and tore my flesh in penitence: once again, I had not been able to stand up and deliver justice, as a man should.
/////
I finally began to lose altitude as I came over the Atlantic Ocean, the same one Orwell had traveled on his road of revenge. After ricocheting off the surface of the waves for several miles, I was finally able to obtain my sea legs...or lack thereof. This was my first experience with the ocean, and I lacked Orwell's powerful elephantine lungs, so had no hope of walking back to shore. I though for sure I would perish, broken and alone, out there in the Great, Uncaring Blue...when something large and smooth wrapped itself around my leg. In a flurry of rushing water and coursing foam, I was pulled under, and found myself face to face with a truly gigantic creature--at least ten times the size of my now-deceased master! It's hundred arms grabbed me from all sides and tore at me, intent on breaking me open like some crude chestnut. But I would not have this. There was still much evil for me to cleanse in this world, and so I held off the monster's fatal embrace, making my body as steel. Apparently surprised at this turn of events, the leviathan brought me to the surface, and, in what seemed the blink of an eye, brought me to a nearby, remote and uninhabited island.
I learned the kraken's name: Jormungandr, and since then (this was roughly four months ago, mind) have been peacefully enjoying my time on the same island, which I have named "Chief Mendez's Island". As I have not yet been able to communicate effectively with Jormungandr (and indeed, he rarely is around to attempt communication with), I have had nothing to do with myself but lie around, tend the fertile land of Chief Mendez's Island, and hang out on SWF with all my pals (using my wind-powered laptop made of sand and hermit crabs).
But one day soon, I will taste revenge. I will hunt down the red-leaf'd demons that stole my parents from me, and I will tear them limb from limb with my bear hands. The Earth will run red with blood. The accumulated filth of all their murder will foam up about their waists and all those *******s will look up and shout "Save us!"...
...and I will look down, and whisper "No."
/////
Aside from the kraken (whom I now reside with), all of my parents have at one point tried to devour me alive. Only constant vigilance and devotion to my martial studies have kept me alive this long.
Yes, it has been a harrowing journey. But I have survived. And I am all the stronger for it.
I was born to a drug-addled mother, who callously tossed me into a nearby dumpster after birthing me. So, alone, riddled with various drugs of all kinds, and cold, I did the only thing I could do: I cried.
I soon realized, however, that crying wasn't helping my situation, and I was rapidly coming ever closer to a cold, frozen death. Knowing this, I proceeded to physically beat the drugs out of my bloodstream with my tiny, yet powerful fists. I then ate my way through the plastic roof of the dumpster I was in, and warmed myself up with a light cross-country jog.
As I reached the Rocky Mountains, I suddenly found myself surrounded by hungry wolves. I managed to crush several of their skulls, but, tired as I was from my voyage, they eventually overpowered me. My still-soft cranium was literally inside the jaws of the pack leader when my first parents: Aslan, Bagheera, and Mufasa. The three mountain lions swiftly drove away the remaining wolves, and were about to claim their reward (my broken, bloody body)...but they sensed the pure, unfiltered greatness present within me, and, rather than consuming me, placed me on their shoulders and carried me back to their mountainside cave.
And so, for the next three years, I was raised in the most wild reaches of the Rocky Mountain Range, learning the ways of the world: hunting and preying on the weak, emitting feral screams to attract a mate, being only active near dusk and dawn, and (perhaps most importantly) being a combat helicopter.
However, it was not meant to be. One day, my adopted parents were all cruelly shot by local hunters. Only Mufasa managed to limp back to our cave, where I cradled him in my small, but already powerful arms, tears of pure love rolling down my cheeks. I believe I gave him some level of solace in his final moments.
The next day, I assassinated every man, woman and child in the area who has or had ever owned a hunting license, a rifle, camouflage pants, or who had in their life used the word "sport" in reference to the cold, inhuman act of taking another living thing's life for nothing but the sheer, barbaric thrill.
And so, with nothing left for me in the Rockies, I continued on in my quest, turning north, and eventually making my way to the Canadian outback.
/////
One day, I was casually eating my fill of the Caribou herd I had, moments before, brought down using nothing but a single pebble, when a large Grizzly Bear approached me, obviously looking for his next meal. I stood my ground, and as he approached, so did I.
During our epic, mortal struggle, the sheer force of will present within me contacted the bear's spirit, and instantly, we knew each other. While tending my fresh gouge wounds in a nearby stream, I learned my new parent's name: Wojtek. He had been the subject of several Canadian Government-funded experiments, resulting in him being bereft in a total, unending state of starvation; no matter how much Wojtek ate, he never could satiate himself. So, compassion filling my tiny, four-year frame, I devoted myself to helping him.
And so I hunted. Over the course of the next seven years, I made myself known across the country as "The Windigo", though of course, I was only a small boy at this time. Of course, I was uneducated in the ways of numbers, so had no notion at the time of how many animals I defeated in single combat for Wojtek's sake, but looking back, I would say...anywhere from five to seventy-eight hundred thousand.
At the end of this bloody, noble trail lay the Canadian Scientist's Headquarters, also known as "Mount Villainy". I climbed the jagged, sulfurous cliffs of that accursed rock for five days, never resting--for below me was Wojtek, barely alive and on his own: I had to do this as fast as possible. I infiltrated their foul lair, and found the anitdote to the illness afflicting my pitiable foster father. However, the Canadians discovered me on my way out, and I was forced into combat against an elite sect of Canada's greatest fighters: the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. When all was said and done, I limped out of the laboratory, bullet and saber wounds all across my battered body. One had even managed to gouge out one of my eyes with a hook mounted on a stump, where I presume a hand once was.
Despite my great cause, I found I could not maintain consciousness any longer. As I crested the summit, I passed out, cursing myself for failing at the task set before me...
/////
...Yet soon, I awoke: a cool breeze awakening me from my rest. I felt beneath me, and my hand touched against enormous, silken feathers. Yes, I was being held aloft on the back of a tremendous golden eagle. I reached out with my pure, most bare of emotions to the creature, telling her of Wojtek's plight.
...But, to my utter despair, she informed me that Wojtek had perished at the base of Mount Villainy. Her name was Aquila, and her nine siblings, Corvus, Flint, Cygnus, Huginn and Muginn, Simurgh, Mynah, and Old Great Auk, were on their way to Wojtek's aid on the command of the Bird King, Phoenix. But alas and alack, they arrived too late. Perhaps due to my leading him around the countryside, he was without the aid of the birdfolk.
I have always...blamed myself for that, I suppose.
With nothing to be done for poor Wojtek, I swore vengeance against the Royal Canadian Mountain Police, and continued East with my new, feathered family.
/////
I did not stay with the eagles for long, though. As we were flying over Tennesee, Huginn and Muginn attempted to steal the eyes from my sockets as I slept atop Old Great Auk's back. They held no alleigance to me or my journey, and so I do not blame them for this: it is only the natural law that when a thing is hungry, it must eat.
...However, it is also the way of the world that only the strongest survive. And so, reacting like barbed lightning, I arose, and tore the tongues from my attacker's gizzards, sending them both into uncontrollable, pain-induced free falls. I could immediately tell how well this went over with the other birds, and so I leapt from Auk's wing, pummeting to the ground hundreds of miles below me.
It is never a good idea to let oneself be surrounded by wrathful servants of the Bird King.
Handily, I had learned much from Aquila of the ways of flight, and though I possessed no wings, I used my knowledge to directionally influence myself toward a giant red and white speck, miles below me. As I reached terminal velocity, and the terrible inertia began to peel the very flesh from my bones, I again could not hold out, and I saw black.
When I awoke, I was staring up into the murderous eyes of an enormous African Elephant, or loxodonta africana, as they say in the West. Before he had the chance to gore or trample me, I sprung to my feet and delivered a kick so fierce it could shatter the trunk of a full-grown Redwood tree (and indeed, during my time in the North, it had done so, on several occasions) to the beast's head...but to my complete amazement, it bucked me away but with a brush of it's head! Suddenly and horrifyingly, I knew fear. For the first time in my life, I truly did not know whether I would be the victor of this contest of strength.
...Amazingly, though I no longer held any conception of victory, the thing did not approach me. It merely eyed me up, from head to toe several times, then, deciding something, turned to leave. With this relief, I examined my surroundings for the first time since arriving in this foreign locale. I discovered I had landed on the top of a giant circus tent, which would explain how all my bones were not of dust at this point. But I had little time to ponder the past, as my immortal warrior's soul was calling to me.
Thus, I was trained. My master, Orwell, was a fine teacher indeed. Raised on the barren plains of the Savannah, he had been born weak and alone, much like myself. He had spent most of his time there migrating from herd to herd, never fully accepted, and often physically assaulted for his ignoble origins and lowly station. But through it all, he never gave in, eventually defeating the Bull of a rival tribe in single combat, and thus becoming their herdmaster. For fifty years, he and his tribe roamed the Great Plains, conquering all and sparing none in their paths. He sired countless calves, and those he did not approve of were swiftly exiled. Like me, he held dearly to the Ways of the World. However, one day, while he was away on an expedition, black-suited men with loud, booming sticks and red, maple leaves on their backs came and destroyed his entire clan, stealing their proud tusks, not allowing even for a respectful burial. Enraged, Orwell took to the coast, hounding the men in black. Though they boarded their iron fish before he could catch them, he could see the way they traveled, and so, with a deep breath of the African air he loved more than life itself, he plunged beneath the waves, and ran along the Ocean's floor toward a new, alien world.
Once there, he was tired from his journey, and so laid down beneath a tall tree for rest. But--the fiends!--they ambushed him while he slept! He awoke, and crushed many underfoot, and his tusks were lined with bodies that day, but through sheer numbers and a traitorous tranquilizing poison, they brought him to his knees, and carried him off to their stronghold.
...Thankfully, he escaped: breaking out of the belly of their giant iron snake, he rampaged his way south until he found a lonely, secluded stretch of open land. It reminded him of his homeland, and that was good. For seven days and seven nights he wept for those lost to him. He would never see them again.
And so, when the circus came and erected their giant shelters, Orwell approached them. At first, they panicked, but in time, they came to accept him. Ever since, he had stayed with the group as they toured the country, performing for humans from all walks of life. It was not a dignified life, he told me, but a simple one. One deserving of a man who could not protect those closest to him.
/////
Under his tutelage, I learned much. In the span of a single year, I became a rival even to his great strength, and began to finally integrate myself into the world of man--through my performances in the circus as "The Whild Child", I learned the human tongue, and even made several "friends". In time, though, this was our downfall. Word spread of our famed performances, which eventually attracted the very same forces that had stolen so much from both my and Orwell's lives...
One fateful day, during the highlight act of our performance, Orwell toppled to the ground. I rushed to his side, but he batted me away with his trunk as he regained his footing. It was then I saw the enormous needle protruding from the side of his head. Furthermore, I finally noticed how oddly quiet the crowd had been, and looking out past the glare of the stage lights, I saw not a normal crowd--but the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. They had come to reclaim what was not theirs! I gave a roar that would enrapture even the coldest of puma vixens, and lunged toward my sworn enemies, but my way was suddenly blocked by Orwell's hulking body, which shuddered as a second salvo of poisoned darts punctured his thick hide. I knew what he was doing, but would not accept it--he was all that I had left.
...But, against my dearest wishes, he lifted me, kicking and screaming, in his trunk, trundled outside the tent, with every step being more harried as more and more Canadian venom assaulted his old body...and threw me into the sky with all of his remaining strength.
/////
I spent the following day, and part of the night soaring through the air, tears lashing their way off my face, falling behind me into my windstream. I beat my chest, gnashed my teeth, pulled my hair, and tore my flesh in penitence: once again, I had not been able to stand up and deliver justice, as a man should.
/////
I finally began to lose altitude as I came over the Atlantic Ocean, the same one Orwell had traveled on his road of revenge. After ricocheting off the surface of the waves for several miles, I was finally able to obtain my sea legs...or lack thereof. This was my first experience with the ocean, and I lacked Orwell's powerful elephantine lungs, so had no hope of walking back to shore. I though for sure I would perish, broken and alone, out there in the Great, Uncaring Blue...when something large and smooth wrapped itself around my leg. In a flurry of rushing water and coursing foam, I was pulled under, and found myself face to face with a truly gigantic creature--at least ten times the size of my now-deceased master! It's hundred arms grabbed me from all sides and tore at me, intent on breaking me open like some crude chestnut. But I would not have this. There was still much evil for me to cleanse in this world, and so I held off the monster's fatal embrace, making my body as steel. Apparently surprised at this turn of events, the leviathan brought me to the surface, and, in what seemed the blink of an eye, brought me to a nearby, remote and uninhabited island.
I learned the kraken's name: Jormungandr, and since then (this was roughly four months ago, mind) have been peacefully enjoying my time on the same island, which I have named "Chief Mendez's Island". As I have not yet been able to communicate effectively with Jormungandr (and indeed, he rarely is around to attempt communication with), I have had nothing to do with myself but lie around, tend the fertile land of Chief Mendez's Island, and hang out on SWF with all my pals (using my wind-powered laptop made of sand and hermit crabs).
But one day soon, I will taste revenge. I will hunt down the red-leaf'd demons that stole my parents from me, and I will tear them limb from limb with my bear hands. The Earth will run red with blood. The accumulated filth of all their murder will foam up about their waists and all those *******s will look up and shout "Save us!"...
...and I will look down, and whisper "No."
/////
Aside from the kraken (whom I now reside with), all of my parents have at one point tried to devour me alive. Only constant vigilance and devotion to my martial studies have kept me alive this long.
Yes, it has been a harrowing journey. But I have survived. And I am all the stronger for it.
I was born to a drug-addled mother, who callously tossed me into a nearby dumpster after birthing me. So, alone, riddled with various drugs of all kinds, and cold, I did the only thing I could do: I cried.
I soon realized, however, that crying wasn't helping my situation, and I was rapidly coming ever closer to a cold, frozen death. Knowing this, I proceeded to physically beat the drugs out of my bloodstream with my tiny, yet powerful fists. I then ate my way through the plastic roof of the dumpster I was in, and warmed myself up with a light cross-country jog.
As I reached the Rocky Mountains, I suddenly found myself surrounded by hungry wolves. I managed to crush several of their skulls, but, tired as I was from my voyage, they eventually overpowered me. My still-soft cranium was literally inside the jaws of the pack leader when my first parents: Aslan, Bagheera, and Mufasa. The three mountain lions swiftly drove away the remaining wolves, and were about to claim their reward (my broken, bloody body)...but they sensed the pure, unfiltered greatness present within me, and, rather than consuming me, placed me on their shoulders and carried me back to their mountainside cave.
And so, for the next three years, I was raised in the most wild reaches of the Rocky Mountain Range, learning the ways of the world: hunting and preying on the weak, emitting feral screams to attract a mate, being only active near dusk and dawn, and (perhaps most importantly) being a combat helicopter.
However, it was not meant to be. One day, my adopted parents were all cruelly shot by local hunters. Only Mufasa managed to limp back to our cave, where I cradled him in my small, but already powerful arms, tears of pure love rolling down my cheeks. I believe I gave him some level of solace in his final moments.
The next day, I assassinated every man, woman and child in the area who has or had ever owned a hunting license, a rifle, camouflage pants, or who had in their life used the word "sport" in reference to the cold, inhuman act of taking another living thing's life for nothing but the sheer, barbaric thrill.
And so, with nothing left for me in the Rockies, I continued on in my quest, turning north, and eventually making my way to the Canadian outback.
/////
One day, I was casually eating my fill of the Caribou herd I had, moments before, brought down using nothing but a single pebble, when a large Grizzly Bear approached me, obviously looking for his next meal. I stood my ground, and as he approached, so did I.
During our epic, mortal struggle, the sheer force of will present within me contacted the bear's spirit, and instantly, we knew each other. While tending my fresh gouge wounds in a nearby stream, I learned my new parent's name: Wojtek. He had been the subject of several Canadian Government-funded experiments, resulting in him being bereft in a total, unending state of starvation; no matter how much Wojtek ate, he never could satiate himself. So, compassion filling my tiny, four-year frame, I devoted myself to helping him.
And so I hunted. Over the course of the next seven years, I made myself known across the country as "The Windigo", though of course, I was only a small boy at this time. Of course, I was uneducated in the ways of numbers, so had no notion at the time of how many animals I defeated in single combat for Wojtek's sake, but looking back, I would say...anywhere from five to seventy-eight hundred thousand.
At the end of this bloody, noble trail lay the Canadian Scientist's Headquarters, also known as "Mount Villainy". I climbed the jagged, sulfurous cliffs of that accursed rock for five days, never resting--for below me was Wojtek, barely alive and on his own: I had to do this as fast as possible. I infiltrated their foul lair, and found the anitdote to the illness afflicting my pitiable foster father. However, the Canadians discovered me on my way out, and I was forced into combat against an elite sect of Canada's greatest fighters: the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. When all was said and done, I limped out of the laboratory, bullet and saber wounds all across my battered body. One had even managed to gouge out one of my eyes with a hook mounted on a stump, where I presume a hand once was.
Despite my great cause, I found I could not maintain consciousness any longer. As I crested the summit, I passed out, cursing myself for failing at the task set before me...
/////
...Yet soon, I awoke: a cool breeze awakening me from my rest. I felt beneath me, and my hand touched against enormous, silken feathers. Yes, I was being held aloft on the back of a tremendous golden eagle. I reached out with my pure, most bare of emotions to the creature, telling her of Wojtek's plight.
...But, to my utter despair, she informed me that Wojtek had perished at the base of Mount Villainy. Her name was Aquila, and her nine siblings, Corvus, Flint, Cygnus, Huginn and Muginn, Simurgh, Mynah, and Old Great Auk, were on their way to Wojtek's aid on the command of the Bird King, Phoenix. But alas and alack, they arrived too late. Perhaps due to my leading him around the countryside, he was without the aid of the birdfolk.
I have always...blamed myself for that, I suppose.
With nothing to be done for poor Wojtek, I swore vengeance against the Royal Canadian Mountain Police, and continued East with my new, feathered family.
/////
I did not stay with the eagles for long, though. As we were flying over Tennesee, Huginn and Muginn attempted to steal the eyes from my sockets as I slept atop Old Great Auk's back. They held no alleigance to me or my journey, and so I do not blame them for this: it is only the natural law that when a thing is hungry, it must eat.
...However, it is also the way of the world that only the strongest survive. And so, reacting like barbed lightning, I arose, and tore the tongues from my attacker's gizzards, sending them both into uncontrollable, pain-induced free falls. I could immediately tell how well this went over with the other birds, and so I leapt from Auk's wing, pummeting to the ground hundreds of miles below me.
It is never a good idea to let oneself be surrounded by wrathful servants of the Bird King.
Handily, I had learned much from Aquila of the ways of flight, and though I possessed no wings, I used my knowledge to directionally influence myself toward a giant red and white speck, miles below me. As I reached terminal velocity, and the terrible inertia began to peel the very flesh from my bones, I again could not hold out, and I saw black.
When I awoke, I was staring up into the murderous eyes of an enormous African Elephant, or loxodonta africana, as they say in the West. Before he had the chance to gore or trample me, I sprung to my feet and delivered a kick so fierce it could shatter the trunk of a full-grown Redwood tree (and indeed, during my time in the North, it had done so, on several occasions) to the beast's head...but to my complete amazement, it bucked me away but with a brush of it's head! Suddenly and horrifyingly, I knew fear. For the first time in my life, I truly did not know whether I would be the victor of this contest of strength.
...Amazingly, though I no longer held any conception of victory, the thing did not approach me. It merely eyed me up, from head to toe several times, then, deciding something, turned to leave. With this relief, I examined my surroundings for the first time since arriving in this foreign locale. I discovered I had landed on the top of a giant circus tent, which would explain how all my bones were not of dust at this point. But I had little time to ponder the past, as my immortal warrior's soul was calling to me.
Thus, I was trained. My master, Orwell, was a fine teacher indeed. Raised on the barren plains of the Savannah, he had been born weak and alone, much like myself. He had spent most of his time there migrating from herd to herd, never fully accepted, and often physically assaulted for his ignoble origins and lowly station. But through it all, he never gave in, eventually defeating the Bull of a rival tribe in single combat, and thus becoming their herdmaster. For fifty years, he and his tribe roamed the Great Plains, conquering all and sparing none in their paths. He sired countless calves, and those he did not approve of were swiftly exiled. Like me, he held dearly to the Ways of the World. However, one day, while he was away on an expedition, black-suited men with loud, booming sticks and red, maple leaves on their backs came and destroyed his entire clan, stealing their proud tusks, not allowing even for a respectful burial. Enraged, Orwell took to the coast, hounding the men in black. Though they boarded their iron fish before he could catch them, he could see the way they traveled, and so, with a deep breath of the African air he loved more than life itself, he plunged beneath the waves, and ran along the Ocean's floor toward a new, alien world.
Once there, he was tired from his journey, and so laid down beneath a tall tree for rest. But--the fiends!--they ambushed him while he slept! He awoke, and crushed many underfoot, and his tusks were lined with bodies that day, but through sheer numbers and a traitorous tranquilizing poison, they brought him to his knees, and carried him off to their stronghold.
...Thankfully, he escaped: breaking out of the belly of their giant iron snake, he rampaged his way south until he found a lonely, secluded stretch of open land. It reminded him of his homeland, and that was good. For seven days and seven nights he wept for those lost to him. He would never see them again.
And so, when the circus came and erected their giant shelters, Orwell approached them. At first, they panicked, but in time, they came to accept him. Ever since, he had stayed with the group as they toured the country, performing for humans from all walks of life. It was not a dignified life, he told me, but a simple one. One deserving of a man who could not protect those closest to him.
/////
Under his tutelage, I learned much. In the span of a single year, I became a rival even to his great strength, and began to finally integrate myself into the world of man--through my performances in the circus as "The Whild Child", I learned the human tongue, and even made several "friends". In time, though, this was our downfall. Word spread of our famed performances, which eventually attracted the very same forces that had stolen so much from both my and Orwell's lives...
One fateful day, during the highlight act of our performance, Orwell toppled to the ground. I rushed to his side, but he batted me away with his trunk as he regained his footing. It was then I saw the enormous needle protruding from the side of his head. Furthermore, I finally noticed how oddly quiet the crowd had been, and looking out past the glare of the stage lights, I saw not a normal crowd--but the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. They had come to reclaim what was not theirs! I gave a roar that would enrapture even the coldest of puma vixens, and lunged toward my sworn enemies, but my way was suddenly blocked by Orwell's hulking body, which shuddered as a second salvo of poisoned darts punctured his thick hide. I knew what he was doing, but would not accept it--he was all that I had left.
...But, against my dearest wishes, he lifted me, kicking and screaming, in his trunk, trundled outside the tent, with every step being more harried as more and more Canadian venom assaulted his old body...and threw me into the sky with all of his remaining strength.
/////
I spent the following day, and part of the night soaring through the air, tears lashing their way off my face, falling behind me into my windstream. I beat my chest, gnashed my teeth, pulled my hair, and tore my flesh in penitence: once again, I had not been able to stand up and deliver justice, as a man should.
/////
I finally began to lose altitude as I came over the Atlantic Ocean, the same one Orwell had traveled on his road of revenge. After ricocheting off the surface of the waves for several miles, I was finally able to obtain my sea legs...or lack thereof. This was my first experience with the ocean, and I lacked Orwell's powerful elephantine lungs, so had no hope of walking back to shore. I though for sure I would perish, broken and alone, out there in the Great, Uncaring Blue...when something large and smooth wrapped itself around my leg. In a flurry of rushing water and coursing foam, I was pulled under, and found myself face to face with a truly gigantic creature--at least ten times the size of my now-deceased master! It's hundred arms grabbed me from all sides and tore at me, intent on breaking me open like some crude chestnut. But I would not have this. There was still much evil for me to cleanse in this world, and so I held off the monster's fatal embrace, making my body as steel. Apparently surprised at this turn of events, the leviathan brought me to the surface, and, in what seemed the blink of an eye, brought me to a nearby, remote and uninhabited island.
I learned the kraken's name: Jormungandr, and since then (this was roughly four months ago, mind) have been peacefully enjoying my time on the same island, which I have named "Chief Mendez's Island". As I have not yet been able to communicate effectively with Jormungandr (and indeed, he rarely is around to attempt communication with), I have had nothing to do with myself but lie around, tend the fertile land of Chief Mendez's Island, and hang out on SWF with all my pals (using my wind-powered laptop made of sand and hermit crabs).
But one day soon, I will taste revenge. I will hunt down the red-leaf'd demons that stole my parents from me, and I will tear them limb from limb with my bear hands. The Earth will run red with blood. The accumulated filth of all their murder will foam up about their waists and all those *******s will look up and shout "Save us!"...
...and I will look down, and whisper "No."
/////
Aside from the kraken (whom I now reside with), all of my parents have at one point tried to devour me alive. Only constant vigilance and devotion to my martial studies have kept me alive this long.
Yes, it has been a harrowing journey. But I have survived. And I am all the stronger for it.
I was born to a drug-addled mother, who callously tossed me into a nearby dumpster after birthing me. So, alone, riddled with various drugs of all kinds, and cold, I did the only thing I could do: I cried.
I soon realized, however, that crying wasn't helping my situation, and I was rapidly coming ever closer to a cold, frozen death. Knowing this, I proceeded to physically beat the drugs out of my bloodstream with my tiny, yet powerful fists. I then ate my way through the plastic roof of the dumpster I was in, and warmed myself up with a light cross-country jog.
As I reached the Rocky Mountains, I suddenly found myself surrounded by hungry wolves. I managed to crush several of their skulls, but, tired as I was from my voyage, they eventually overpowered me. My still-soft cranium was literally inside the jaws of the pack leader when my first parents: Aslan, Bagheera, and Mufasa. The three mountain lions swiftly drove away the remaining wolves, and were about to claim their reward (my broken, bloody body)...but they sensed the pure, unfiltered greatness present within me, and, rather than consuming me, placed me on their shoulders and carried me back to their mountainside cave.
And so, for the next three years, I was raised in the most wild reaches of the Rocky Mountain Range, learning the ways of the world: hunting and preying on the weak, emitting feral screams to attract a mate, being only active near dusk and dawn, and (perhaps most importantly) being a combat helicopter.
However, it was not meant to be. One day, my adopted parents were all cruelly shot by local hunters. Only Mufasa managed to limp back to our cave, where I cradled him in my small, but already powerful arms, tears of pure love rolling down my cheeks. I believe I gave him some level of solace in his final moments.
The next day, I assassinated every man, woman and child in the area who has or had ever owned a hunting license, a rifle, camouflage pants, or who had in their life used the word "sport" in reference to the cold, inhuman act of taking another living thing's life for nothing but the sheer, barbaric thrill.
And so, with nothing left for me in the Rockies, I continued on in my quest, turning north, and eventually making my way to the Canadian outback.
/////
One day, I was casually eating my fill of the Caribou herd I had, moments before, brought down using nothing but a single pebble, when a large Grizzly Bear approached me, obviously looking for his next meal. I stood my ground, and as he approached, so did I.
During our epic, mortal struggle, the sheer force of will present within me contacted the bear's spirit, and instantly, we knew each other. While tending my fresh gouge wounds in a nearby stream, I learned my new parent's name: Wojtek. He had been the subject of several Canadian Government-funded experiments, resulting in him being bereft in a total, unending state of starvation; no matter how much Wojtek ate, he never could satiate himself. So, compassion filling my tiny, four-year frame, I devoted myself to helping him.
And so I hunted. Over the course of the next seven years, I made myself known across the country as "The Windigo", though of course, I was only a small boy at this time. Of course, I was uneducated in the ways of numbers, so had no notion at the time of how many animals I defeated in single combat for Wojtek's sake, but looking back, I would say...anywhere from five to seventy-eight hundred thousand.
At the end of this bloody, noble trail lay the Canadian Scientist's Headquarters, also known as "Mount Villainy". I climbed the jagged, sulfurous cliffs of that accursed rock for five days, never resting--for below me was Wojtek, barely alive and on his own: I had to do this as fast as possible. I infiltrated their foul lair, and found the anitdote to the illness afflicting my pitiable foster father. However, the Canadians discovered me on my way out, and I was forced into combat against an elite sect of Canada's greatest fighters: the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. When all was said and done, I limped out of the laboratory, bullet and saber wounds all across my battered body. One had even managed to gouge out one of my eyes with a hook mounted on a stump, where I presume a hand once was.
Despite my great cause, I found I could not maintain consciousness any longer. As I crested the summit, I passed out, cursing myself for failing at the task set before me...
/////
...Yet soon, I awoke: a cool breeze awakening me from my rest. I felt beneath me, and my hand touched against enormous, silken feathers. Yes, I was being held aloft on the back of a tremendous golden eagle. I reached out with my pure, most bare of emotions to the creature, telling her of Wojtek's plight.
...But, to my utter despair, she informed me that Wojtek had perished at the base of Mount Villainy. Her name was Aquila, and her nine siblings, Corvus, Flint, Cygnus, Huginn and Muginn, Simurgh, Mynah, and Old Great Auk, were on their way to Wojtek's aid on the command of the Bird King, Phoenix. But alas and alack, they arrived too late. Perhaps due to my leading him around the countryside, he was without the aid of the birdfolk.
I have always...blamed myself for that, I suppose.
With nothing to be done for poor Wojtek, I swore vengeance against the Royal Canadian Mountain Police, and continued East with my new, feathered family.
/////
I did not stay with the eagles for long, though. As we were flying over Tennesee, Huginn and Muginn attempted to steal the eyes from my sockets as I slept atop Old Great Auk's back. They held no alleigance to me or my journey, and so I do not blame them for this: it is only the natural law that when a thing is hungry, it must eat.
...However, it is also the way of the world that only the strongest survive. And so, reacting like barbed lightning, I arose, and tore the tongues from my attacker's gizzards, sending them both into uncontrollable, pain-induced free falls. I could immediately tell how well this went over with the other birds, and so I leapt from Auk's wing, pummeting to the ground hundreds of miles below me.
It is never a good idea to let oneself be surrounded by wrathful servants of the Bird King.
Handily, I had learned much from Aquila of the ways of flight, and though I possessed no wings, I used my knowledge to directionally influence myself toward a giant red and white speck, miles below me. As I reached terminal velocity, and the terrible inertia began to peel the very flesh from my bones, I again could not hold out, and I saw black.
When I awoke, I was staring up into the murderous eyes of an enormous African Elephant, or loxodonta africana, as they say in the West. Before he had the chance to gore or trample me, I sprung to my feet and delivered a kick so fierce it could shatter the trunk of a full-grown Redwood tree (and indeed, during my time in the North, it had done so, on several occasions) to the beast's head...but to my complete amazement, it bucked me away but with a brush of it's head! Suddenly and horrifyingly, I knew fear. For the first time in my life, I truly did not know whether I would be the victor of this contest of strength.
...Amazingly, though I no longer held any conception of victory, the thing did not approach me. It merely eyed me up, from head to toe several times, then, deciding something, turned to leave. With this relief, I examined my surroundings for the first time since arriving in this foreign locale. I discovered I had landed on the top of a giant circus tent, which would explain how all my bones were not of dust at this point. But I had little time to ponder the past, as my immortal warrior's soul was calling to me.
Thus, I was trained. My master, Orwell, was a fine teacher indeed. Raised on the barren plains of the Savannah, he had been born weak and alone, much like myself. He had spent most of his time there migrating from herd to herd, never fully accepted, and often physically assaulted for his ignoble origins and lowly station. But through it all, he never gave in, eventually defeating the Bull of a rival tribe in single combat, and thus becoming their herdmaster. For fifty years, he and his tribe roamed the Great Plains, conquering all and sparing none in their paths. He sired countless calves, and those he did not approve of were swiftly exiled. Like me, he held dearly to the Ways of the World. However, one day, while he was away on an expedition, black-suited men with loud, booming sticks and red, maple leaves on their backs came and destroyed his entire clan, stealing their proud tusks, not allowing even for a respectful burial. Enraged, Orwell took to the coast, hounding the men in black. Though they boarded their iron fish before he could catch them, he could see the way they traveled, and so, with a deep breath of the African air he loved more than life itself, he plunged beneath the waves, and ran along the Ocean's floor toward a new, alien world.
Once there, he was tired from his journey, and so laid down beneath a tall tree for rest. But--the fiends!--they ambushed him while he slept! He awoke, and crushed many underfoot, and his tusks were lined with bodies that day, but through sheer numbers and a traitorous tranquilizing poison, they brought him to his knees, and carried him off to their stronghold.
...Thankfully, he escaped: breaking out of the belly of their giant iron snake, he rampaged his way south until he found a lonely, secluded stretch of open land. It reminded him of his homeland, and that was good. For seven days and seven nights he wept for those lost to him. He would never see them again.
And so, when the circus came and erected their giant shelters, Orwell approached them. At first, they panicked, but in time, they came to accept him. Ever since, he had stayed with the group as they toured the country, performing for humans from all walks of life. It was not a dignified life, he told me, but a simple one. One deserving of a man who could not protect those closest to him.
/////
Under his tutelage, I learned much. In the span of a single year, I became a rival even to his great strength, and began to finally integrate myself into the world of man--through my performances in the circus as "The Whild Child", I learned the human tongue, and even made several "friends". In time, though, this was our downfall. Word spread of our famed performances, which eventually attracted the very same forces that had stolen so much from both my and Orwell's lives...
One fateful day, during the highlight act of our performance, Orwell toppled to the ground. I rushed to his side, but he batted me away with his trunk as he regained his footing. It was then I saw the enormous needle protruding from the side of his head. Furthermore, I finally noticed how oddly quiet the crowd had been, and looking out past the glare of the stage lights, I saw not a normal crowd--but the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. They had come to reclaim what was not theirs! I gave a roar that would enrapture even the coldest of puma vixens, and lunged toward my sworn enemies, but my way was suddenly blocked by Orwell's hulking body, which shuddered as a second salvo of poisoned darts punctured his thick hide. I knew what he was doing, but would not accept it--he was all that I had left.
...But, against my dearest wishes, he lifted me, kicking and screaming, in his trunk, trundled outside the tent, with every step being more harried as more and more Canadian venom assaulted his old body...and threw me into the sky with all of his remaining strength.
/////
I spent the following day, and part of the night soaring through the air, tears lashing their way off my face, falling behind me into my windstream. I beat my chest, gnashed my teeth, pulled my hair, and tore my flesh in penitence: once again, I had not been able to stand up and deliver justice, as a man should.
/////
I finally began to lose altitude as I came over the Atlantic Ocean, the same one Orwell had traveled on his road of revenge. After ricocheting off the surface of the waves for several miles, I was finally able to obtain my sea legs...or lack thereof. This was my first experience with the ocean, and I lacked Orwell's powerful elephantine lungs, so had no hope of walking back to shore. I though for sure I would perish, broken and alone, out there in the Great, Uncaring Blue...when something large and smooth wrapped itself around my leg. In a flurry of rushing water and coursing foam, I was pulled under, and found myself face to face with a truly gigantic creature--at least ten times the size of my now-deceased master! It's hundred arms grabbed me from all sides and tore at me, intent on breaking me open like some crude chestnut. But I would not have this. There was still much evil for me to cleanse in this world, and so I held off the monster's fatal embrace, making my body as steel. Apparently surprised at this turn of events, the leviathan brought me to the surface, and, in what seemed the blink of an eye, brought me to a nearby, remote and uninhabited island.
I learned the kraken's name: Jormungandr, and since then (this was roughly four months ago, mind) have been peacefully enjoying my time on the same island, which I have named "Chief Mendez's Island". As I have not yet been able to communicate effectively with Jormungandr (and indeed, he rarely is around to attempt communication with), I have had nothing to do with myself but lie around, tend the fertile land of Chief Mendez's Island, and hang out on SWF with all my pals (using my wind-powered laptop made of sand and hermit crabs).
But one day soon, I will taste revenge. I will hunt down the red-leaf'd demons that stole my parents from me, and I will tear them limb from limb with my bear hands. The Earth will run red with blood. The accumulated filth of all their murder will foam up about their waists and all those *******s will look up and shout "Save us!"...
...and I will look down, and whisper "No."
/////
Aside from the kraken (whom I now reside with), all of my parents have at one point tried to devour me alive. Only constant vigilance and devotion to my martial studies have kept me alive this long.
Yes, it has been a harrowing journey. But I have survived. And I am all the stronger for it.
I was born to a drug-addled mother, who callously tossed me into a nearby dumpster after birthing me. So, alone, riddled with various drugs of all kinds, and cold, I did the only thing I could do: I cried.
I soon realized, however, that crying wasn't helping my situation, and I was rapidly coming ever closer to a cold, frozen death. Knowing this, I proceeded to physically beat the drugs out of my bloodstream with my tiny, yet powerful fists. I then ate my way through the plastic roof of the dumpster I was in, and warmed myself up with a light cross-country jog.
As I reached the Rocky Mountains, I suddenly found myself surrounded by hungry wolves. I managed to crush several of their skulls, but, tired as I was from my voyage, they eventually overpowered me. My still-soft cranium was literally inside the jaws of the pack leader when my first parents: Aslan, Bagheera, and Mufasa. The three mountain lions swiftly drove away the remaining wolves, and were about to claim their reward (my broken, bloody body)...but they sensed the pure, unfiltered greatness present within me, and, rather than consuming me, placed me on their shoulders and carried me back to their mountainside cave.
And so, for the next three years, I was raised in the most wild reaches of the Rocky Mountain Range, learning the ways of the world: hunting and preying on the weak, emitting feral screams to attract a mate, being only active near dusk and dawn, and (perhaps most importantly) being a combat helicopter.
However, it was not meant to be. One day, my adopted parents were all cruelly shot by local hunters. Only Mufasa managed to limp back to our cave, where I cradled him in my small, but already powerful arms, tears of pure love rolling down my cheeks. I believe I gave him some level of solace in his final moments.
The next day, I assassinated every man, woman and child in the area who has or had ever owned a hunting license, a rifle, camouflage pants, or who had in their life used the word "sport" in reference to the cold, inhuman act of taking another living thing's life for nothing but the sheer, barbaric thrill.
And so, with nothing left for me in the Rockies, I continued on in my quest, turning north, and eventually making my way to the Canadian outback.
/////
One day, I was casually eating my fill of the Caribou herd I had, moments before, brought down using nothing but a single pebble, when a large Grizzly Bear approached me, obviously looking for his next meal. I stood my ground, and as he approached, so did I.
During our epic, mortal struggle, the sheer force of will present within me contacted the bear's spirit, and instantly, we knew each other. While tending my fresh gouge wounds in a nearby stream, I learned my new parent's name: Wojtek. He had been the subject of several Canadian Government-funded experiments, resulting in him being bereft in a total, unending state of starvation; no matter how much Wojtek ate, he never could satiate himself. So, compassion filling my tiny, four-year frame, I devoted myself to helping him.
And so I hunted. Over the course of the next seven years, I made myself known across the country as "The Windigo", though of course, I was only a small boy at this time. Of course, I was uneducated in the ways of numbers, so had no notion at the time of how many animals I defeated in single combat for Wojtek's sake, but looking back, I would say...anywhere from five to seventy-eight hundred thousand.
At the end of this bloody, noble trail lay the Canadian Scientist's Headquarters, also known as "Mount Villainy". I climbed the jagged, sulfurous cliffs of that accursed rock for five days, never resting--for below me was Wojtek, barely alive and on his own: I had to do this as fast as possible. I infiltrated their foul lair, and found the anitdote to the illness afflicting my pitiable foster father. However, the Canadians discovered me on my way out, and I was forced into combat against an elite sect of Canada's greatest fighters: the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. When all was said and done, I limped out of the laboratory, bullet and saber wounds all across my battered body. One had even managed to gouge out one of my eyes with a hook mounted on a stump, where I presume a hand once was.
Despite my great cause, I found I could not maintain consciousness any longer. As I crested the summit, I passed out, cursing myself for failing at the task set before me...
/////
...Yet soon, I awoke: a cool breeze awakening me from my rest. I felt beneath me, and my hand touched against enormous, silken feathers. Yes, I was being held aloft on the back of a tremendous golden eagle. I reached out with my pure, most bare of emotions to the creature, telling her of Wojtek's plight.
...But, to my utter despair, she informed me that Wojtek had perished at the base of Mount Villainy. Her name was Aquila, and her nine siblings, Corvus, Flint, Cygnus, Huginn and Muginn, Simurgh, Mynah, and Old Great Auk, were on their way to Wojtek's aid on the command of the Bird King, Phoenix. But alas and alack, they arrived too late. Perhaps due to my leading him around the countryside, he was without the aid of the birdfolk.
I have always...blamed myself for that, I suppose.
With nothing to be done for poor Wojtek, I swore vengeance against the Royal Canadian Mountain Police, and continued East with my new, feathered family.
/////
I did not stay with the eagles for long, though. As we were flying over Tennesee, Huginn and Muginn attempted to steal the eyes from my sockets as I slept atop Old Great Auk's back. They held no alleigance to me or my journey, and so I do not blame them for this: it is only the natural law that when a thing is hungry, it must eat.
...However, it is also the way of the world that only the strongest survive. And so, reacting like barbed lightning, I arose, and tore the tongues from my attacker's gizzards, sending them both into uncontrollable, pain-induced free falls. I could immediately tell how well this went over with the other birds, and so I leapt from Auk's wing, pummeting to the ground hundreds of miles below me.
It is never a good idea to let oneself be surrounded by wrathful servants of the Bird King.
Handily, I had learned much from Aquila of the ways of flight, and though I possessed no wings, I used my knowledge to directionally influence myself toward a giant red and white speck, miles below me. As I reached terminal velocity, and the terrible inertia began to peel the very flesh from my bones, I again could not hold out, and I saw black.
When I awoke, I was staring up into the murderous eyes of an enormous African Elephant, or loxodonta africana, as they say in the West. Before he had the chance to gore or trample me, I sprung to my feet and delivered a kick so fierce it could shatter the trunk of a full-grown Redwood tree (and indeed, during my time in the North, it had done so, on several occasions) to the beast's head...but to my complete amazement, it bucked me away but with a brush of it's head! Suddenly and horrifyingly, I knew fear. For the first time in my life, I truly did not know whether I would be the victor of this contest of strength.
...Amazingly, though I no longer held any conception of victory, the thing did not approach me. It merely eyed me up, from head to toe several times, then, deciding something, turned to leave. With this relief, I examined my surroundings for the first time since arriving in this foreign locale. I discovered I had landed on the top of a giant circus tent, which would explain how all my bones were not of dust at this point. But I had little time to ponder the past, as my immortal warrior's soul was calling to me.
Thus, I was trained. My master, Orwell, was a fine teacher indeed. Raised on the barren plains of the Savannah, he had been born weak and alone, much like myself. He had spent most of his time there migrating from herd to herd, never fully accepted, and often physically assaulted for his ignoble origins and lowly station. But through it all, he never gave in, eventually defeating the Bull of a rival tribe in single combat, and thus becoming their herdmaster. For fifty years, he and his tribe roamed the Great Plains, conquering all and sparing none in their paths. He sired countless calves, and those he did not approve of were swiftly exiled. Like me, he held dearly to the Ways of the World. However, one day, while he was away on an expedition, black-suited men with loud, booming sticks and red, maple leaves on their backs came and destroyed his entire clan, stealing their proud tusks, not allowing even for a respectful burial. Enraged, Orwell took to the coast, hounding the men in black. Though they boarded their iron fish before he could catch them, he could see the way they traveled, and so, with a deep breath of the African air he loved more than life itself, he plunged beneath the waves, and ran along the Ocean's floor toward a new, alien world.
Once there, he was tired from his journey, and so laid down beneath a tall tree for rest. But--the fiends!--they ambushed him while he slept! He awoke, and crushed many underfoot, and his tusks were lined with bodies that day, but through sheer numbers and a traitorous tranquilizing poison, they brought him to his knees, and carried him off to their stronghold.
...Thankfully, he escaped: breaking out of the belly of their giant iron snake, he rampaged his way south until he found a lonely, secluded stretch of open land. It reminded him of his homeland, and that was good. For seven days and seven nights he wept for those lost to him. He would never see them again.
And so, when the circus came and erected their giant shelters, Orwell approached them. At first, they panicked, but in time, they came to accept him. Ever since, he had stayed with the group as they toured the country, performing for humans from all walks of life. It was not a dignified life, he told me, but a simple one. One deserving of a man who could not protect those closest to him.
/////
Under his tutelage, I learned much. In the span of a single year, I became a rival even to his great strength, and began to finally integrate myself into the world of man--through my performances in the circus as "The Whild Child", I learned the human tongue, and even made several "friends". In time, though, this was our downfall. Word spread of our famed performances, which eventually attracted the very same forces that had stolen so much from both my and Orwell's lives...
One fateful day, during the highlight act of our performance, Orwell toppled to the ground. I rushed to his side, but he batted me away with his trunk as he regained his footing. It was then I saw the enormous needle protruding from the side of his head. Furthermore, I finally noticed how oddly quiet the crowd had been, and looking out past the glare of the stage lights, I saw not a normal crowd--but the Royal Canadian Mountain Police. They had come to reclaim what was not theirs! I gave a roar that would enrapture even the coldest of puma vixens, and lunged toward my sworn enemies, but my way was suddenly blocked by Orwell's hulking body, which shuddered as a second salvo of poisoned darts punctured his thick hide. I knew what he was doing, but would not accept it--he was all that I had left.
...But, against my dearest wishes, he lifted me, kicking and screaming, in his trunk, trundled outside the tent, with every step being more harried as more and more Canadian venom assaulted his old body...and threw me into the sky with all of his remaining strength.
/////
I spent the following day, and part of the night soaring through the air, tears lashing their way off my face, falling behind me into my windstream. I beat my chest, gnashed my teeth, pulled my hair, and tore my flesh in penitence: once again, I had not been able to stand up and deliver justice, as a man should.
/////
I finally began to lose altitude as I came over the Atlantic Ocean, the same one Orwell had traveled on his road of revenge. After ricocheting off the surface of the waves for several miles, I was finally able to obtain my sea legs...or lack thereof. This was my first experience with the ocean, and I lacked Orwell's powerful elephantine lungs, so had no hope of walking back to shore. I though for sure I would perish, broken and alone, out there in the Great, Uncaring Blue...when something large and smooth wrapped itself around my leg. In a flurry of rushing water and coursing foam, I was pulled under, and found myself face to face with a truly gigantic creature--at least ten times the size of my now-deceased master! It's hundred arms grabbed me from all sides and tore at me, intent on breaking me open like some crude chestnut. But I would not have this. There was still much evil for me to cleanse in this world, and so I held off the monster's fatal embrace, making my body as steel. Apparently surprised at this turn of events, the leviathan brought me to the surface, and, in what seemed the blink of an eye, brought me to a nearby, remote and uninhabited island.
I learned the kraken's name: Jormungandr, and since then (this was roughly four months ago, mind) have been peacefully enjoying my time on the same island, which I have named "Chief Mendez's Island". As I have not yet been able to communicate effectively with Jormungandr (and indeed, he rarely is around to attempt communication with), I have had nothing to do with myself but lie around, tend the fertile land of Chief Mendez's Island, and hang out on SWF with all my pals (using my wind-powered laptop made of sand and hermit crabs).
But one day soon, I will taste revenge. I will hunt down the red-leaf'd demons that stole my parents from me, and I will tear them limb from limb with my bear hands. The Earth will run red with blood. The accumulated filth of all their murder will foam up about their waists and all those *******s will look up and shout "Save us!"...
...and I will look down, and whisper "No."
/////
Aside from the kraken (whom I now reside with), all of my parents have at one point tried to devour me alive. Only constant vigilance and devotion to my martial studies have kept me alive this long.
Yes, it has been a harrowing journey. But I have survived. And I am all the stronger for it.
You asked for it, man. When I do things, I do them RIGHT.
-Full credit to Chief Mendez. May God have mercy on his soul.-