My roommate goes to bed at 8:30 ****ing PM and sleeps like a mouse in the middle of a thunderstorm. She questions how I cook, rearranged my kitchen, sings at all times everywhere in the house, constantly interrupts whatever we're doing in the living room to show us a Tumblr pic or something else equally as inane, and asked me to turn off the feature where my Xbox goes straight to cable TV on sign-in because one time Law and Order SVU was on when it signed in and she doesn't like that so she wanted me to eliminate the sheer
possibility of that happening again just in case by turning off the feature.
She hung her **** on my walls while I wasn't home. She has half a million plants and put them on every window sill in the house. She likes using this thing called "buy nothing", like Craigslist but everything's freely given instead, and she once left a book for a stranger on our front porch after giving him our address and saying "no one will be home all day so I left it on the front porch, get it whenever you want", and when I told her why you can't do that she went on a rant about how I can't "force my male authority on her" despite it being
my. goddamn. house.
She once asked me to give her a ride to do something important, and I drove fifteen minutes to give some lady neither of us knew peppers. For free. Because she asked for them on the buy nothing thing for her dinner tonight. So my roommate had me use my car, and my gas, and my time, to drive her to another town to hand a stranger two ****ing goddamn peppers and then go home.
She is the epitome of everything I hate about Portland rolled up into one person who thinks she's far more mature than she actually has ever been. And I swear to God I'll--
....
Okay I feel better. What was this about mac'n'cheese? Can I have some?