I'm in an emotional rut right now. Part of me really wants to continue chasing after this girl I mentioned last week, and another wants to just give up.
See, I've had about three years of talking to girls and trying to get them to like me, and this year was no different. I found one I thought I'd like, and decided to talk to her. No big deal, I just had a mindset switch, so I was all "Yeah! This'll be great!". And to an extent I still do, but... then I started noticing similarities between this year and the years before. I've been going at this from different angles for the past three years, but it's like the longitudinal lines on a globe. No matter which line you choose, they all meet at one point. I've gotten the same expressions, the same tone of voice, the same body language, etc. out of this girl that I got out of the other girls I've talked to. The blushy smile (although this time she looks wide-eyed, not that it affects much), the same holding of the hands close to her body, the same fiddling around with things in her hands, the same trying to make me laugh as all the other girls to make her feel less 'nervous'. It's not her that's making me rethink this whole idea, it's the striking similarities between now and then.
I would love to eventually start hanging out with her, but I can't seem to get past the feeling that she'll start and end like all the others. She'll start off 'liking' me, then when we talk more she'll get comfortable but won't talk on her own. After three months of this, she'll probably act the same way she did when we first met. I'll probably ask for her number at some point, which will trigger a surprised reaction, but nothing else. After that, my feelings may be growing, but in my gut I have a feeling she isn't nearly feeling the same way. When I try to talk about it, she'll probably just shut it down. She'll become content, and never talk unless prompted. She may want to talk to me, but she just... doesn't. The truth is, she will probably lose any interest she could possibly have long before anything of note happens. Eventually, I give up in frustration and may end up not talking to her. I know this is just ridiculous speculation, because how could I possibly know what is going to happen? "You haven't talked to her for more than a week, and you're already assuming what's going to happen within THREE MONTHS from now? That's absurd!" Some of you may be saying. And you're absolutely right. I don't deny this is basically the equivalent to romantic heresy, but hear me out.
The fact of the matter is that I've gone through this exact process, one step after another, with every girl I've ever been interested in. No joke. All of them have been exactly like my prediction above. Sure, one of them I've actually become friends with, but even still, she followed the same steps. She led me on for almost two years through this process. And don't get me wrong, she's a great friend -one of the best I've had- but she still started out that way. Who's to say this girl right now WON'T go through this process? I think it's a lot more likely then what I feel comfortable with. Guys, I really, really want to believe she'll be the black sheep in all of this. The one to break the seemingly endless cycle of lead-ons that every girl I've ever liked felt the need to role out. I really want to believe it. She's cute, perky, talented, and likes to laugh, but all of that is meaningless is she's just going to lead me on like all the others. I've been hurt by this cycle. I really have. I don't want to go into it again for all my hard work, effort, money, and time to be wasted. To work really hard, only to have the "False alarm" light to go on. When that happens... it's just disheartening, and I slowly start to withdraw back into my little box. More times than I can count, I've contemplated just staying single the rest of my life because I'm starting to genuinely think that girls can't help but lead me on. And I know deep down that that isn't true... but life experiences speak otherwise. After all, seeing is believing. For better or worse.
I'm just so fed up with the heartache. I'm fed up with girls who basically refuse to talk to me even though I've talked to them every day for three months. I mean, is a little bit of feedback too much to ask? Ladies, we're men, not mind readers. You have to do SOMETHING to try and get the point across, considering body language is basically useless in my case. I don't want to believe that every girl I'll ever meet who I like will lead me on, but I can't help remembering past experiences. Not a single one of those experiences -bar one- has been worth my time. I've lost my persistence, I've lost my patience, and I've nearly lost my incentive. Some of you will look at this and say "You're just being overly dramatic." I don't disagree, but you have to see this from my perspective. I was born a very emotionally sensitive child, and that holds true today. It's difficult to control my emotions, and I don't take pain very well. Even just a small amount of pain. Each little bit of pain feels like a paper cut, but sticks like a scar. So big things like this plus the amplified effects of emotions due to being a teenager absolutely kill me inside. It's so hard for me.
Murlough
That's the sad thing about learning to have friendships. Sometimes you make friends with the wrong people and they end up taking advantage of you. I've been there, and it makes you feel like you can't trust anyone. I suggest you talk with this guy about how you feel like he's been taking advantage of you and be honest with him. I'm not saying you should give him a "reasons you suck" speech, but you need to be clear with him that he can't treat you like ****. I know it can be intimidating, especially if you're someone like me who's worried about making people upset, but you can't be a doormat to this guy. Be clear, mean what you say, and most importantly, keep your cool if he's acting like a ********. There's nothing worse than attacking him just because he's being a prick to you. I've been there too.
But SB is a poor substitute for human to human interactions. My off days are Sun-Tues, so I know where you are coming from as far as that goes.
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