This semester of school has been tough for me financially and academically. I didn't get as much financial aid this time as I'd hoped; I don't have a job or the qualifications for one; I'm constantly crippled by feelings like I'm unable to do anything at all in life, like it'll be pointless for me to try so I just sit around feeling awful; I don't have a vehicle to go out and do many things with friends; I don't have too many people I'm close to around here, and in general my family doesn't communicate well with me on a conversational level, nor do they seem to make many efforts to validate my feelings. Rather, they think things are their own way (meaning from their perspective), and just spew out the same advice no matter what my problem is. Usually, all this is is "get a job and you'll gain confidence" or "come live back home" which is not an option because my parents are awfully opinionated, argumentative, and a list of other things that make them stressful to live with. The same goes for the rest of my family, though my sister and her husband, whom I live with, are the closest things to "exceptions".
Even then, though, I feel trapped and isolated in almost every way I can think of. There are things I want to do, but I'm not particularly supported by anyone... My lifestyle choices aren't exactly looked upon with pride, but the sad thing is I only show maybe 10% of who I actually am to people at any given time. I'm a very needy, emotional, sexual, calm, collected person as a whole, but the opposite is what I show. All people know/think is I'm lazy, abrasive, antisocial, and a prude. There are little things in life I want to be able to do, like dress how I want, watch what I want, act how I want to; these are things I could do, but I have to keep in mind that with how unstable I am, it would be an unwise decision to piss anyone off or make them feel uneasy. I have few people around me who will tolerate me even for my more reserved behavior, so keeping them close is important to me, because without them I'm nothing. I'm weak and frail, naive and incapable of functioning in this society that I hate quite a lot.
I don't feel like I can express how I feel without being embarrassed, ashamed, or ridiculed, as these things have happened in the past. When it comes to times of struggling like this, I can't explain how I feel to family without feeling outright coddled by people who don't understand me and wouldn't accept me for who I am. They'll throw their attention toward me until I diverge from the path they want me to take, at which point I'm being ungrateful.
Since I moved from my parents' place, I've been getting ideas about things I want to try, things I want to do... I want to be cute, endeared, delicate, but also respectable, kind, understanding, and knowledgeable. Frankly, I guess I should say that I want to be quite feminine, but still recognizable as a boy... I'm not even quite sure how to explain it, nor do I know how the details would work out, mostly because--well, I've never been able to try these things. There's more to it than that, but it's the gist.
Best I can do for myself is spit my feelings out on a public board like this, where I might hopefully get some insight from someone outside of myself. But frankly, even in doing this, I feel self-conscious, like I'm just some annoying attention hog with a confused identity or something. That is, pathetic and despicable. But the thing is, I feel so ****ing horrible. I don't know what I want, I don't have any /real/ support (not that I blame them, but my family is too poor to support me while I'm "finding myself" even if they approved of who I am), and I just feel stuck. I feel like my only options are to continue on in life without any guidance, weary and unobservant and unaware of opportunities around me; or, to just end things. I'm not being very productive, useful, or helpful to anyone or any goal, just living for what small few joys I can get out of simple things like gaming, my art, and smut while I still can.
Ugh, kind of feel like I'm billowing over with pedantic detail here, so this is all I'll say for now.
