I'm just going to throw my thoughts out there, because I don't really know what to do with them at this point. Read, don't read, give thoughts, laugh at me, do what you will. I just don't want to hold this in anymore personally, and having these thoughts out there will hopefully make me feel a little bit better, especially if someone can relate to them.
I'm not mentally stable. I haven't been for quite a while now. I can't really deal with it anymore, honestly. I have something wrong mentally that is making me depressed, and it's also giving me anxiety issues. I can be perfectly fine one minute, and then I just get depressed, like someone just pulled a switch in my head and was like "Time to make him feel like crap!"
I know I need medication. Here's the thing. I don't drive. I know I have to learn at some point, but I've been pushing it because 1) my parents have openly offered to drive me anywhere I need to get to (which they have done pretty well so far) and 2) because it scares the living **** out of me. Cars trigger my anxiety issues like no other, and I basically freeze and just stare at the road in front of me unless I have someone constantly engaging me in conversation, which is not something I can guarantee. That's only in the passenger's seat. I don't even want to imagine what it's like to be in the driver's seat. It's something I'll have to conquer, but I haven't been able to yet to say the least.
What does that have to do with anything? My parents have to drive me places since I can't do it myself. Yay! I've had medication waiting for me for the past 3+ weeks, and I've constantly reminded them to take me to get the medication. Guess what they haven't done? :D :D :D. I cancelled both my counseling and psychiatrist appointments because they're both supposed to be post-medication follow ups, and now that schools over, I'm not sure if I will be able to reschedule them (which means I may not be able to get refills on the medication after I've gone through this month). The store where I'm getting the medication from is not in walking distance, either, and even if I made the walk, one of the roads I'd have to walk across is VERY well known for having really reckless drivers (more-so than usual) and it's actually somewhat common for people to get hit walking across that road because there are almost no crosswalks, which scares the living **** out of me.
I'm honestly scared to start medication. I kind of feel like if I were to go through any route of suicide, overdosing would be the path I'd resort to. I feel that if I were to reach a really low point through this (which is completely possible, as the medication supposedly makes me feel worse and makes me have more suicidal thoughts before it starts to make me not sad), I may kind of find a place to hide pills instead of taking them, and start saving them up so that I can just take them all at once at some point. I don't like thinking like this, and I doubt I would do it because I'd worry about someone finding the pills along with the fact that I don't really know how the whole overdosing process works, but it just really scares me. I don't know. I'm kind of just putting my thoughts out there.
I ****ed up in college this semester. Failed a class. Got a C- in another one. I missed a test in the one I failed because I wanted to make it up with a friend that had to miss a majority of the classes due to him figuring out he had cancer and having to go through all of the treatments for that and such. He ended up making the test up without me, and I gave up on the class after I got a 20% on another one of the tests because we were supposed to study for the test together and he studied without me because I had a ****ed up schedule or something. Doesn't help that how I am mentally right now has literally tore apart any motivation I have towards my major and school in general (or anything, really), which was a huge contributing factor to both that failure and my C-. I know I would do quite a bit better next semester since I know where I made my huge mistakes, and I know what to do if a friend has to miss x amount of weeks due to getting cancer now, but I don't even know if I should keep on trying at this point.
To continue that note, I got offered a job doing what I thought I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Kind of. I got to teach part of the percussion section in a marching band! For a day. Then I got fired because I was too much of an introvert. I came across as nervous, and I was shy, and the band director didn't like it. This is the second time something like this has happened. I know x job isn't for everybody, but what in the hell is an introvert supposed to do? I was really happy working with those group of kids. I learned a lot. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I would definitely do it again. I can't though, because of how I am as a person. It's just upsetting that I find what I want to do for the rest of my life, and directors are telling me that my personality traits are holding me back. I'm afraid that I'm going to get more job opportunities, the process repeats, and then word starts to spread through the job vines and people are going to think of me as this shy nervous wreck that can't teach a group of kids. I'm starting to wonder if I should just work a job with a stable income that doesn't have me dealing with people as much as teaching would, regardless of how I feel towards teaching. Maybe that would be better in the long run?
Counseling didn't help much. She asks me for my thoughts, I tell her my thoughts. She tells me things I already know (my thoughts are irrational, my worry is not really necessary), I nod and continue to talk through my thoughts. I don't feel any different from when I go in and when I come out, and it's not making me feel any different towards myself or towards my situation. She's really nice and everything, and she's a fantastic person, but counseling just isn't working for me so far.
I kinda just feel like I'm losing options, losing motivation for anything, and I'm kind of losing my will to keep on going. The only things that keep me going at this point are my friends, and even then I'm starting to worry about my relationships with most of them. I have two or three friends I'm living for at this point, and that's it, really. People say that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm not seeing it. Be it school, my future, my mental state, and even my friends, I just don't see the bright future that is supposed to be ahead like everyone says. I'd say to give it time, but that hasn't helped for these past few months, so I'm kind of reluctant to say that myself.
Yeah, I just ranted for a while. Sorry about that. Just wanted to get these things off my chest. Thanks guys.
