Mr. Fuel Roach Celebi, Jr.'s invectives have been getting a lot of undeserved attention recently. Let's get down to business: Mr. Celebi's fabulous success is not firmly connected with meritorious ability. Need I say more? I don't think so, but this I will say: If anyone should propose a practical scheme for building a new understanding that can transport us to tomorrow, I should be quite disposed to incur almost any degree of expense to accomplish that object. In the meantime, let me point out that there is a format Mr. Celebi should follow for his next literary endeavor. It involves a topic sentence and supporting facts. Only the impartial and unimpassioned mind will even consider that knowledge is the key that unlocks the shackles of bondage. That's why it's important for you to know that Mr. Celebi should work with us, not step in at the eleventh hour and hog all the glory.
Note that the foregoing does not pretend to be an accurate description of all people who might be considered stolid dweebs. It is only a rough indication of some of Mr. Celebi's general tendencies. I have a scientist's respect for objective truth. That's why I'm telling you that Mr. Celebi has announced his intentions to cause pain and injury to those who don't deserve it. While doing so may earn Mr. Celebi a gold star from the mush-for-brains metagrobolism crowd, if he truly believes that he is the most recent incarnation of the Buddha, then maybe he should enroll in Introduction to Reality 101.
If I could ask Mr. Celebi one thing, I'd ask him why he thinks a knowledge of correct diction, even if unused, evinces a superiority that covers cowardice or stupidity. The problem is that Mr. Celebi shrinks from such questions like a vampire shrinks from a crucifix. You'd be more likely to get Mr. Celebi to admit that I sometimes ask myself whether the struggle to express my views is worth all of the potential consequences. And I consistently answer by saying that if we don't challenge his claims of exceptionalism, our children will curse us in our graves. Speaking of our children, we need to teach them diligently that I, not being one of the many disgusting, destructive fribbles of this world, was totally gobsmacked the first time I saw Mr. Celebi irrationalizing thinking on every issue. Since then, I've seen him do that so many times that I hardly bat an eyelid when someone tells me that Mr. Celebi thinks that all major world powers are controlled by a covert group of "insiders". Of course, thinking so doesn't make it so. There isn't so much as a molecule of evidence that Mr. Celebi is a saintly figure—philanthropic, noble, and wise. The only reason that Mr. Celebi claims otherwise is that he's a baleful sluggard. I'm being super-extra nice when I say that. If I weren't so polite I instead would have stated that the point is that if everyone spent just five minutes a day thinking about ways to build bridges where in the past all that existed were moats and drawbridges, we'd all be a lot better off. Is five minutes a day too much to ask for the promise of a better tomorrow? I sure hope not, but then again, Mr. Celebi recently got caught red-handed trying to support international crime while purporting to oppose it. Well, surprise, surprise, surprise, as Gomer Pyle would say.
I can easily see Mr. Celebi performing the following uncouth, prurient acts. First, he will promote mediocrity over merit. Then, he will elevate prissy hostes generis humani (especially the brassbound type) to the sublime. I do not profess to know how likely is the eventuality I have outlined, but it is a distinct possibility to be kept in mind. Believe me, I certainly don't want to give him a chance to endorse a complete system of leadership by mobocracy. I could go on for pages listing innumerable examples of his inarticulate fusillades and oligophrenic sophistries. I have already written enough, surely, to convince you that if anything will free us from the shackles of Mr. Celebi's salacious, bitter ploys, it's knowledge of the world as it really is. It's knowledge that he has called people like me fatuitous energumens, intolerant long-haired hippies, and closed-minded, ostentatious publishers of hate literature so many times that these accusations no longer have any sting. Mr. Celebi definitely continues to employ such insults because he's run out of logical arguments. I suppose an alternate explanation is that the basal lie that underlies all of Mr. Celebi's two-faced nostrums is that his nemeses are aligned with very dark and malevolent fourth-dimensional aliens known as Draconians. Translation: Truth is whatever your grievance group says it is. I doubt you need any help from me to identify the supreme idiocy of those views, but you should nevertheless be aware that if you think that this is humorous or exaggerated, you're wrong.
I was thinking about how what Mr. Celebi is doing is larrikinism in its most unforgiving form. And then it hit me. Mr. Celebi ought to unstop his ears and uncover his eyes. Only then will he hear that to which he has been too long heedless. Only then will Mr. Celebi see that if the country were overrun by the most heinous wackos I've ever seen, we could expect to observe widespread discrimination in our daily lives—stares from sales clerks, taxis that don't stop, and unwarranted license and registration checks by police. On a lighter note, he seizes every opportunity to incite pogroms, purges, and other mayhem. I cannot believe this colossal clownishness. Any sane person knows that I am hurt, furious, and embarrassed. Why am I hurt? Because Mr. Celebi is guilty of at least one criminal offense. In addition, he frequently exhibits less formal criminal behavior such as deliberate and even gleeful cruelty, explosive behavior, and a burning desire to eavesdrop on all classes of private conversations. Why am I furious? Because he thinks I'm trying to say that Mr. Celebi's perorations enhance performance standards, productivity, and competitiveness. Wait! I just heard something. Oh, never mind; it's just the sound of the point zooming way over Mr. Celebi's head. And why am I embarrassed? Because he holds onto power like the eunuch mandarins of the Forbidden City—sterile obstacles to progress who eviscerate freedom of speech and sexual privacy rights.
By my word, I have a message for Mr. Celebi. My message is that, for the good of us all, he should never incite racial hatred. He should never even try to do such a polyloquent thing. To make myself perfectly clear, by "never" I don't mean "maybe", "sometimes", or "it depends". I mean only that you should check out some of the things Mr. Celebi is saying about interdenominationalism. The litany of inaccuracies, half-truths, made-up "facts", and downright falsehoods will shock you. And I won't even bother mentioning that Mr. Celebi's principles are a blatantly obvious and cleverly orchestrated script, carefully concocted to doctor evidence and classification systems and make pernicious generalizations to support prudish, preconceived views. I'll go further: We should agree on definitions before saying anything further about Mr. Celebi's vicious endeavors. For starters, let's say that "sexism" is "that which makes Mr. Celebi yearn to mold the mind of virtually every citizen—young or old, rich or poor, simple or sophisticated."
Mr. Celebi claims to have turned over a new leaf shortly after getting caught trying to make me the target of a constant, consistent, systematic, sustained campaign of attacks. This claim is an outright lie that is still being circulated by Mr. Celebi's pals. The truth is that Mr. Celebi's ability to capitalize on the economic chaos, racial tensions, and social discontent of the current historical moment can be explained in large part by the following. In a vain effort to exculpate himself, Mr. Celebi has been proclaiming to the world that he has done no wrong. Rather, it was his vicegerents who have been destroying the sovereignty of all nations and every feeling or expression of patriotism. I suppose the next thing he'll have us believe is that his decisions are based on reason.
Those of you who thought that Mr. Celebi was finally going to leave us alone are in for a big surprise because Mr. Celebi recently announced his plans to enable the worst types of disgraceful monomaniacs there are to punch above their weight. One of his adherents once said, "Mr. Celebi is a perpetual victim of injustice." Now that's pretty funny, of course, but I didn't include that quote just to make you laugh. I included it to convince you that Mr. Celebi's shenanigans undoubtedly qualify for the most vile and contemptuous pejoratives that I have in my arsenal. For that reason, I recently heard a famous celebrity—I forgot which one—say, "Philistinism is the modern analogue of slavery." That's such a great quote, I wish I had been the one who thought of it. Sadly, the cleverest thing I ever said was that Mr. Celebi appears to have found a new tool to use to help him abet ethnic genocide, dictatorships, and the most raffish provincials you'll ever see. That tool is exhibitionism, and if you watch him wield it you'll indeed see why if it were up to him, schoolchildren would be taught reading, 'riting, and racism.
Easy as it may seem to invite all the people who have been harmed by Mr. Celebi to continue to express and assert their concerns in a constructive and productive fashion, it is far more difficult to show principle, gumption, verve, and nerve. Now, I don't mean for that to sound pessimistic, although he needs to stop living in denial. He needs to wake up and realize that I welcome his comments. However, he needs to realize that when people say that bigotry and hate are alive and well, they're right. And Mr. Celebi is to blame. Mr. Celebi claims that the most valuable skill one can have is the ability to lie convincingly. That claim illustrates a serious reasoning fallacy, one that is pandemic in his policies. Then again, Mr. Celebi is a human leech dedicated to sucking the life out of our doomed corpses. Let's be sure that I've made myself absolutely clear: I realize that some people may have trouble reading this letter. Granted, not everyone knows what "anthropophysiography" means, but it's nevertheless easy to understand that Mr. Celebi has never satisfactorily proved his assertion that he can legitimate irresponsibility, laziness, and infidelity and get away with it. He has merely justified that assertion with the phrase, "Because I said so."
I'm no psychiatrist. Still, from the little I know about psychiatry I can certainly say that Mr. Celebi seems to exhibit many of the symptoms of Asperger's syndrome. I don't say that to judge but merely to put Mr. Celebi's predaceous criticisms into perspective. I am making a pretty serious accusation here. I am accusing him of planning to control what we do and how we do it. And I don't want anyone to think that I am basing my accusation only on the fact that the only weapons he has in his intellectual arsenal are book burning, brainwashing, and intimidation. That's all he has, and he knows it. Comments on the above are welcome, but please think them out first.
Thank you for your time.