I've been reflecting a lot on my pessimism and just generally feeling overwhelmed lately.
I'm playing for popularity (even if it's for the sole intent of my character, it's still trying to get
my name out there via my performances) and feeling concerned on that, so it creates this pressure that hinders me both in bracket and in the long run. It takes a toll mentally, and I'm not looking at these brackets as stepping stones and learning experiences as much.
I'm looking at them as end-all experiences where I have to catch up to VoiD, Ryo, Sethlon, etc. right away and make everyone aware of what my character can do by performing well or else I've failed. My pride and playing Roy almost every day for 9-10 months while some good player could just pocket Roy with almost no investment or some new blood could surpass me easily really just tears at my brain and makes me feel useless.
I know comparing ourselves to others really hurts artists in different forms of art, so I should look at it the same way as a competitor. Some of us aren't meant to amount to anything truly successful in things we're passionate about (it's happened to me in particular a lot), some people who seem that way keep drilling until it hits (see:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKZmZfiIsto&t=8m55s, M2K needed years and thousands of hours to start doing well), and some of us are naturals who just understand what's needed.
These amazing players I feel inferior to have built the fundamentals they need to succeed no matter what they do, and they're putting in the same (if not more) time as me or have put in the time long, long ago. Some are just naturals or have found the secrets to how to maximize time spent. If I keep comparing myself, I'll never build myself up properly. Results will come naturally with time and fundamentals, and even if they don't, the rest of the ride is worth it. I focus too much on one or two things and let them drag my mental state down. I need to have some fun and loosen the grip a bit. If I focus so much on the wrong things, then the chance of me building myself up decreases. I need to remember that it takes years, it takes continued hard work rather than 3-6 month bursts, and it takes patience.
RDR7
, I don't intend to switch to Diddy, since he's never been my character and I don't think I could do well with anyone besides Roy. However, there's a Diddy in Colorado who's only been playing Smash Bros. for
3 months named BANG and making many upsets happen, and I doubted him at first after hearing about him. That's what I meant when I talked about Diddy. I figured BANG was just a gimmick, that he was overhyped, yada yada, but I sat down to play him in friendlies and I was amazed. His fundamentals, option coverage, reaction time, and ability to make decisions were above my own and terrifying to play against. I naturally felt extremely envious, like my work for the game was all for nothing. I've been playing in tournaments and practicing a lot for this game ever since I was able to watch tournaments and streams of Japanese 3DS copies, and I played Brawl/Melee/PM 2.1 to the end of 3.0 competitively, so I had that entitled veteran feeling that cut at my pride more. I watched the first Shockwave the day the YouTube uploads went up. Little Mac, Villager, and Sheik being some of the first characters to make WF/LF/GF was a pretty cool experience.
My biggest weakness (maybe my biggest, I have a lot of big weaknesses as a person) is envy. I get really envious when I work hard on something only for others to do better, especially when I feel like I'm working harder. It's happened with programming, it's happened with Spanish, it's happened with Smash, it's happened in my family a LOT, it's happened with friendships, and it's happened with relationships over and over in hard-hitting ways that make it hard for me to trust anyone or feel like I have any future in them. I get two-timed or left for better guys (in two cases, girls) no matter how much things look up and it just eats at me over time. I can never avoid it and I feel more useless each time. The future looks brighter each time, and I get closer, but the same thing happens. I'm still not over something from January and might not be for a long time. It's this empty feeling in my core (probably my chest lolol) that just sucks. Knowing that I wasn't good enough but somebody else who didn't work as hard is, well. It's happened a lot, and I hate the feeling. It's part of what makes me think living isn't worth it now and then, just on principle of how the world works and how it repeats so easily whenever I finally feel secure again.
Getting that out helped me relieve a bit on my mind, don't mind it too much.
I just need to keep building, having fun, putting in time, and not worry so much. The future is uncertain and I have to invest in what could give me the most while putting faith in, rather than questioning like 20 paths at once and the immediate. I will keep investing in Roy and hopefully I can make you proud too.
Thank you
Lady Kuki
for helping pick me back up and checking to make sure if I really felt like that. I've been rude to you time and time again as recent as a few weeks back and acting in ways that might distance or make you feel alienated from the community. You don't deserve that and I feel terrible thinking on what else could have happened, especially since these are all meant to be safe spaces that don't need the convicting I've done. We're all here for the same reasons. I do look up to you and think you're pretty cool, I'm just, well, not an exemplary being of non-confusing communication. That sentence might be a good example of how
I'm really happy to see you speak with a lot of strength and conviction lately, it inspires me when I've been trying to put up a facade for the longest time out of desperation while losing steam. I desperately
want my character to be a threat competitively, and if I didn't throw everything I had into making myself or others believe in any scrap of potential, I'd fail. I got on peoples cases and threw everything I had into it.
When that facade fell apart, it polarized. I figured that if I just gave up, buffs would be more likely and it'd be much easier to avoid getting
too passionate. People would respect me more, and outsiders would leave me alone. I mean, is it worth it? I can improve myself without doing that, which took until yesterday/today to realize. I don't know if Roy has competitive potential or not as he stands, but I do cool things with him and surprise people, and I have a lot of fun. It's not fair to lean towards the negative automatically just because I see core issues that I haven't optimized and just gave up on.
All of my losses this weekend can be attributed to
my weaknesses and being outplayed, this is a stepping stone where I know what I need to work on.
I read your post before going to bed last night, and I thought about it that night and at work a lot. I was ready to take a break, but with my TV now next to my desktop and no more gamepad smash, I felt like sitting back and playing some FG before bed. I just messed around with Roy, did some really cool things I saved replays of, and occasionally picked someone like Robin or Falcon to mess around with. I did this for a few hours, off of some gut instinct despite knowing I'd lose hardcore sleep for the first time in a really long time. I slept for four hours, but it was worth following. I felt like I gained or learned something from that, and I messed around on FG today while sleep deprived with work fatigue. Work didn't really take a hit at all from a lack of sleep, I did fine. I'm just not gonna make this a habit. That messing around is helping me lean towards finding balance in things again and just putting my mind back in gear. It feels like my mind's a lot more clear now. I'll have to see if I missed anything later and finish this message, I know I had something deeper or cooler to say. Something with superpowers. Maybe. Maaaaaybe. I have doubts.
I wish I could proofread and write more, I'm having a lot of trouble completing proper sentences and proofreading. It's almost 2AM, I've been up since 7AM with 4 hours of sleep after a long trip. A lot feels abrupt or unrevised, but I'm posting anyways
> : )) it'll give people time to look at this first before I catch up properly.
I feel like I'm gonna topple, and I can't read anything properly, so zzzzzzz I'll check back tomorrow and see what I missed.
I'll probably regret sentence structuring and some of how I used English in the morning, not really messages themselves besides rambling in a more chaotic manner than usual while not getting to everything yet.
