Like that's hardly fair. I've been getting better too! Hell, I BEAT Batman ****it!
Anyway, I get to rant this week, and this weeks Topic is one that I've learned to massively dislike for 2 years. What topic is this? Who is this one character of hate?
MARTH.
Which stands for....
M-assively
A-nal
R-etarded
T-ransvestite
H-uman
Let's look at her, shall we?
Yes, I believe Marth is a woman. That's trying so hard to be a man. But failing. Tiara? Pansy Voice? The lack of metallic armor over those budding busums? Ca'mon. If the slight off chance that Marth IS indeed male,someone loosen the vice grip on his nuts. Please. Anyway, continuing on....
Let's look at the facts, shall we? As the previous owner of Fire Emblem, I can tell you that this isn't a game, merely that is. People DIE in Fire Emblem. There is none of this pansy reincarnation crap. When you die in the game, your in your **** grave. Period. With that Said, marth has had 8 or so games, because the Japanese demand pansiatic main characters. Squall? Tidus? Sora? Virginia? Ashley? F;int? I rest my **** case (From FF8, FF10, Kingdom Hearts, Wild Arms 3, Wild Arms 2, and another game from PS1 history...)
Case in point, Marth is a prince. That said it is his (Oops. Her) job...to protect his people. Now, given the fact that he has 8 games, you'd think he would have done this. Nope. Hell no. Marth be one lazy sunza beeyotch. The fact that she has so many games kinda ****s on this fact. Marth ain't doing his job + More evil bad guys to be anally ***** by Marth & co = More Fire Emblem Games = More Money. Its' da truth.
But enough about that crap. We're here about this abombination of Marth in Smash. I hate her. I hate the reach, I hate the speed, I hate the way the sword works, I hate the way she has with edge guarding, and I espicially hate the way Marth vs. Roy encounters go SOURLY. Of course if it were a Cool Match, Roy would win hands down. (Not down there Marth. Nasty *******.) Fighting her is backward Principled. In order to fight the sword weilding fe-male, you have to get in close. Great. Get close to a sword. But if you dodge away, you get hit even HARDER than usual. Besides, can you think of ONE sword that works this way? NO. NOT A **** ONE.
And now we get to the segment of what I'd want done to Marth, and the part where I get to have the most fun. See this Batman and Loran? This is what I want done to Marth.
Sir Roy's Twelve Step Plan to make Money and make the world a better place.
(After Tying Marth down. Wouldn't want the leacherous little ***** to get away, do we?)
The first thing? Take her sword, and douse it lightly in sulfiric acid. Shove it into each of Marth's limbs several times, causing her to scream in pain. Record the said screamings with high quality tape.
Second. Take a rake and run it over Marth's belly until it bleeds. Take a flaming torch and scorch the skin there. Record said screamings with a high quality tape.
Third. Play a sexual tape of Sandra O' Connor and President Bush getting it on. Force Marth's eyes open. Ask if she prefers to keep watching the tape, or run her eyes over several hundred sharp rocks. Reguardless of answer, do it anyway. No one cares about her. Record said screams of terror/pain with a high quality tape.
Fourth. Shave Marth Bald. Collect blue hairs. Remove Tiara. Heat Tiara to white hot temperatures. Place it back on her head. Record said screams of pain with a high quality tape.
Fifth. Take the blue hairs. Freeze them with Frozen Nitrogen. Throw the needle like projectiles into Every single one of Marth's fingers, toes, and ears. Collect spilled blood. Record Screams with the usual.
Sixth. Finish collecting as much blood as possible. Mix with Lemon Acid. Throw on the female's wounds. Record Screaming with the usual.
Seventh. Release Marth's bindings. Fire Taser gun. Blood soaked clothes make for extra pain. Record Screams.
Eighth. Take a hammer. Slam them into Marth's fingers and toes till they have the consistancy of play dough. Throw her the flachion (Marth's sword) Laugh pitiously as sheis unable to stand or defend herself. Record whimperings of pain.
Ninth. Leave Marth in dark, enclosed room for a few days, giving her only moldy Brownies laced with crack and spoiled milk laced with LSD. Play all the screamings of the previous acts of torture and pain. Watch as Marth goes giddy in thinking she has friends that sound exactly like her. Laugh at her misfortune.
Tenth. Find a high quality video camera and record marth's stumbling and worthless mumbling.
Eleventh. Send Tape to FOX Television Network.
Finally. M.A.R.T.H. Goes live as a reality show. Make lots and lots of money off of her misfortune. When show goes off air, pull the deluded marth into a random back alley and point a sawed off shotgun to Her head. Grab random undead Jigglypuff. Make it fire. Once it does, the C4 Planted on it's back will explode, covering the Dead Marth in sugar. Assorted rats and birds will pick at corpse until there is nothing but bones.
And so ends the story of Marth.
Until next time!