Official Poetry Critique Topic- Now Public to anyone!

[JOBOT]

Ya man that was a very strict rhyme scheme AABB which is something I would try to avoid. It limits your writing and makes the poem fairly boring if not used right... poems dont need to rhyme its more important to have imagery but shown in an interesting way.

I gotta say though the ending kinda surprised me lol

ok another of my poems,

Untitled

The sea reaches out
at the cool night sky,
leaving glassy blue beads
~Suspended~
In swirls of starshine.

It pulls at the heavens
with moonlit eye,
the distance of lights
where night birds fly.

Within the beast
full of calm pulsations,
smooth the world with echos
save our ringing minds.

Call to the sky
in righteous out loud,
the crashing waves howl
~Drift along~
Under midnight stars...

 

[Florida]

Well, it was a ballad. Some of the strict points of creating a ballad are:

1) Regular rhythm and rhyme.
2) Tells a story.
3) Uses refrain.
4) (not so much necessary) Tragic ending.

 

[JOBOT]

Well, it was a ballad. Some of the strict points of creating a ballad are:

1) Regular rhythm and rhyme.
2) Tells a story.
3) Uses refrain.
4) (not so much necessary) Tragic ending.

I'm just saying man, imagery is one of the most important aspects of a poem or writing in general and you're lacking it. This is called the poetry critique thread which is what I'm doing

 

[Xivii]

The Love I gave was so quickly forgotten
Once hatred came to, it was soon left to rotten

Sinful mistakes, betraying your trust;
The greatest of the sins, the sin of lust.

My addiction to power, my craving for more
Which caused you now to see me with abhor.

The pain I had caused to you and your clan,
Using you all along, as apart of my plan.

After realizing this, we soon parted ways,
Leaving me to be alone, for the rest of my days.

The love which we shared, was it fake? I wonder…
Was their truth in what we had, these things… I ponder.

I saw you again
And I realized it then,
I really did love you
It was not just pretend


I came to you now, I sought to repent.
But forgive you could not, for the pain I had sent

Alone I had been, so filled with sorrow,
To a point where I could no longer, see a tomorrow

I now gave up hope, pitiful I lay;
What would you say, when you saw me that way?

I came to you again, to try one last time.
I dropped to my knees as if committing a crime
I begged for forgiveness, letting go of all pride,
Showing all emotion, with nothing to hide.

You looked at me now, in such a sorrowful way,
A look as if you did not know what to say.
You hugged me now tightly, with tears in your eyes,
And I did the same, with welcoming cries.

You now had forgave me, Or so you had said,
But from the look in your eyes, that was not what was read.

Pain, sorrow, and Hatred, you hid…
In truth there was no forgiving the things that I did.

I realized this now, that no matter what I may do,
You will always hate me…always some part of you.

 

[JOBOT]

You like poetry too zen ^__^ cool man and nice job its obviously a poem expressing your feelings which is a great thing to write for, but I think you can be more creative with the lines.... nice purple font

The Minds Monochromatic Manner


The chirping sounds of a rushed generation,

perfectly intertwined.


It spins a web of electric fornication,

and barbiturate minds.


The bouncing heads in synchronized chaos,
beating in rhythm of marmalade times.
Wire-frame relations break,
its abortion amphetamine lines.

You are part of the system
they'll fit you where you belong
with forced cracks and chipped edges
they'll force you where you belong...

Beauty rain down your sulfur,
the thick tar sizzles cement.
Gloop into night light gutters,
that overflow with unpaid rent.

City sight whores on corner side bite,
have scars like valley cracked red clay.
Smooth the path for gentle tears,
and soothe all those overgrown fears.

You are part of the system
they'll fit you where you belong
with forced cracks and chipped edges
they'll force you where you belong...

Choke on chalk dust,
car rust,
unfaithful lust,
cold asphalt puddles see it all.
Its rippled neon light view,
with the hue,
of its monochromatic manner...

 

[Xivii]

Yes=), Though I'm not that knowledgeable in all the types, schemes, techniques, and such...


Your are really nicely done, nice use of vocabulary!

 

[GSUB]

Hmm. It's been awhile.
Haha.



The Sun is a Star

-

Like the Sun,
You blind me with your beauty.

Like the Sun,
You strengthen me with your presence.

Like the Sun,
You brighten every day of my life.

Also, like the Sun,
You leave me to myself, in the dark.

And also, like the Sun,
When you're gone, I am cold.

Like the Sun,
You weaken me with your absence.

Like the Sun,
You dissapear, and I can not see.

Yet, like the Sun,
You always, eventually, come back.

And like the Sun,
You do not need me for anything.

Like the Sun,
I need you,
For everything.

 

[Silentprotector]

Gsub i like your peom, i can relate to it. also nice use of repetation and good choice of words.
I use to be in creative writting last year so i learned many diffrent types of peotry so i'll be happy to help as well...

 

[GSUB]

Gsub i like your peom, i can relate to it. also nice use of repetation and good choice of words.
I use to be in creative writting last year so i learned many diffrent types of peotry so i'll be happy to help as well...

Thanks.

I like the repetition too. But I was considering making the poem, well, less obvious, by removing the "Like the Sun parts," as to leave more to the reader to figure out,
Like so:





The Sun is a Star

-

You blind me with your beauty.

You strengthen me with your presence.

You brighten every day of my life.

You leave me to myself, in the dark.

When you're gone, I am cold.

You weaken me with your absence.

You dissapear, and I can not see.

You always, eventually, come back.

You do not need me for anything.

I need you,
For everything.



Just a thought. ;p

 

[INSANE CARZY GUY]

i liked the starting and the ending and i liked it more with the like the sun

 

[Niko_K]

This piece I have written is about the misinterpretation of the symbolism behind Satan's true implications of his actions in overthrowing Heaven. The principal behind his action is to symbolize individualism, free-will, wisdom, self-confidence and one very prominent fact that exists in society today.

That Satan is a metaphor for mans inherent behavior.

Please keep in mind that what is portrayed in this piece doesn't reflect my personal beliefs, but those of an atheistic satanist. One who believes in the symbolism behind Satanism but not worshipping him as his own deity

Opposite Perception

A predominant figure, often perceived as baneful
His symbolic imagery dark, yet auspiciously wise
Misinterpreted through time as pugnacious and hateful
An entire morality, quietly falsified

Resembling man's inherent nature, no intent of criticism
Only acceptance and realization, of one's human traits
Wisdom, Free Will, attained by individiualism
Invalidated as one, personified through hate

This elevated aptitude, god if you will
Seeks good and no evil, but good he has killed
Through masking an intelligent moral belief
Feeds him guarenteed dependance, in redundant times of grief

Irony so lucid, so clear, you're quick to adhere
He who preaches independence in aplomb
Merely becomes silenced like scum
Reminders from Earth, of and how ignorance is fear

This glorified image, of purity, free of sin
Is one seeking dependance of him, from deep within
Blindly praised and worshipped, ring a bell?
He lives in perceived paradise, or is it hell....?

 

[kamimari36]

Ah man...Everyone has all of these fancy long poems, and all I got is a three line Haiku...XD.
It is about our economic recession, through the lives of a 2nd grader.

Crying by the bed,
Economy in turmoil,
Daddy lost his job.


I need a title, any ideas?

 

[JOBOT]

its not the size that matters

 

[JOBOT]

a double post poem
because i am not a poet


pulse, a breath, feel

pinch off limbs under chewed fingernails
dagger ridden cuticles pluck keys
in such a screaming ceremony
lit by the eager pens
of spilling red ink
come in lines to feed off
tasteless similes and imagery

"does it tickle you, the sight of blood under moonlit monitor?"

begin the chant of ones and zeros
drumming flames pour
circling circuit sensations
of a 21th century ritual.
as we worship and give thanks
to the perpetual stream.

"sacrifice?"
*looks around*

 

[Silentprotector]

Ah man...Everyone has all of these fancy long poems, and all I got is a three line Haiku...XD.
It is about our economic recession, through the lives of a 2nd grader.

Crying by the bed,
Economy in turmoil,
Daddy lost his job.


I need a title, any ideas?

Yeah sieze doesn't matter
hm... for a title why not title it "Crash to lost"

 

[HolyNightmaress]

No one takes this one seriously...like, Idk. Here it is. I heard the message is hard to read, I'm just extremely curious now.

Angel Amnesia :3

A dream so distant, there’s no mistake,
That it reaches somewhere in the HIGH Heavens.
A shooting star that blazes its beauty for all its worth,
Refuses to go down fading.
It will still be firing furiously even when it’s fallen.
Will my dream do that;
Can I achieve victory even in my defeat?
Forever and forever, but won’t I eventually get bored?
Will I weaken when there isn’t anything,
Left to strengthen?
Clasp my cold hands and don’t I dare,
Hinder your words, because even those precious
Things can lose their meaning,
And be lost to oblivion.
You’re so young, we are old, it’s no lie that Heaven is there
For those wanting to revisit their dream.
Did God ever go wrong, was I ever right?
A dream that went above Heaven’s clouds is worth,
Re-fighting for.
Open your eyes, there’s another set of blinds blocking the view.
A shining wish I hold refuses to go out fading.
And with the power of my hands I’m reaching high up,
To the shooting stars.
Goodnight, goodnight,
How I wonder what will happen,
If I sleep again?
Random thoughts on the other side of me,
Tinkering bells wandering aimlessly.
Goodmorning, goodmorning,
Here I am wishing,
I could go on unconsciously,
Control the unimaginable infinitively,
Surf on the sun across the black sea.
Hello, goodbye,
Most of everyone I’ve met is gone from my memory,
But I’m sure back then they brought out the best,
And worst of me.
Did they influence my final wish, did their smiles
Ever flash before my eyes?
I can’t recall who was beside me when I died.
God’s glory glowing gracefully, and watch over till
It’s bright. My spirit and soul, out of control.
Writing this I can’t remember where I am-
Where is the Great I AM?
Dawn is shining brightly, though it seems so dim,
The temperature is rising until dark, and then it ends.
A shooting star passes; I reach out and feel-
It seems so fake, how can it be so real?
Chase and keep pace, the planets are a walkway,
Sought to seek you, don’t you want to play?
To think that these tears, saved you and got you,
To where I am-the HIGH Heaven.
How many chances do I have to prove
My dream-never ends, and doesn’t fade away?
I fought for your fingers, tangled with the truth,
Please forgive me; whoever, whyever you are.
My human purpose is fulfilled-now it’s time to get
Back my dreams of forever.
What exactly is a ‘never’?
As long as I am happy,
Knowing how I help or have helped the others,
Go ahead, give me amnesia.
Darkness is just the absence of light,
And God glows brighter at night

 

[KnnySm3]

"Things Most Dire"

Time waits for no man, nor woman, nor child.
Hapless towards its continuation,
I stand here broken, defeated, and trialed,
Nevermore feeling sweetest temptation,
Gather in mind, nor create sensation.
Singing now my despair, however mild,
Making out my dire situation
On attempt to bring back hope, cared not styled
So as to weep but still have turning cheek.
Turn back time but not relive or take my
Da*n life. No salvation for me to seek
If I can not receive it. So don't cry
Readily at my fate. I have lost an
Eternity, sold for an ugly sin.​

---

This is a sonnet I wrote a while back about a man that has sold his soul to the devil and is now reflecting upon it years down the line.

Kinda depressing.

 

[Crimson King]

"Things Most Dire"

Time waits for no man, nor woman, nor child.
Hapless towards its continuation,
I stand here broken, defeated, and trialed,
Nevermore feeling sweetest temptation,
Gather in mind, nor create sensation.
Singing now my despair, however mild,
Making out my dire situation
On attempt to bring back hope, cared not styled
So as to weep but still have turning cheek.
Turn back time but not relive or take my
Da*n life. No salvation for me to seek
If I can not receive it. So don't cry
Readily at my fate. I have lost an
Eternity, sold for an ugly sin.​

---

This is a sonnet I wrote a while back about a man that has sold his soul to the devil and is now reflecting upon it years down the line.

Kinda depressing.

While I like the imagery, wordiness kills this poem. In the first line, you could have said everyone instead of "every man, every woman, and every child."

With sonnets, you cannot overwrite, or the reader will feel you are pushing for that formula too much. If you take the reader out of the experience, you will kill the experience.

 

[KnnySm3]

I didn't want to break the "10 syllables per line" rule.

That usually ends up making me writing more than I want to or less than I want to when I do these kinds of poems but at the same time, I enjoy the challenge of having to abide by that rule.

 

[Diakonos]

I saw a little girl today
Dress tattered and sullied
Like her mom's reputation in town

Her skinny legs were pendulums
Contrasting a childish cheeriness
Against the backdrop of grey in my city

She sat on that bench waiting
Like Godot for a life that will never come
But you wouldn't have known from her smile

Tangled hair and muddy cheeks
Mangled heir of bloody shreiks
Then the bus came and took her away

 

[Crimson King]

I didn't want to break the "10 syllables per line" rule.

That usually ends up making me writing more than I want to or less than I want to when I do these kinds of poems but at the same time, I enjoy the challenge of having to abide by that rule.

It's fine to do that on the first few drafts. In fact, not every poem is meant to be a certain form. Try writing a sestina about ANYTHING - it's not easy at all. Try your poem in different forms, and see which one sounds most natural. I love the villanelle style best.

 

[Diakonos]

No criticism for me, CK? I'm sorry I don't have much practice with poetic systems. I know quite a bit about literary theory though. My two cents are that if you can make a given form work and come alive, then you have done a wonderful thing. If you can manage it without it sounding forced, then the style stands to its original splendour. I guess I side with T.S. Eliot in that sense. Tradition!

 

[Silentprotector]

well i don't care what people think about this, i was streesed when writting it
so here u go
"Never Endng Friendship"
Laughter, joy, Happinies
sadness and sarrow,

The many emtions we went through high school,
But never did we ever stop to think,

Think about the day those memorys well be like a pool,
A pool of twining links,

Those memories well live on,
As the years go by,

this freindship we share is a never ending bond,
thats one thing that is surly not a lie,

Upon those links thier are memories,
memories that hold thier own story,

so good many good lucks and wishes to you i say my friend,
Till the day we met again

 

[A~Kid/ToonethLinkage]

There once was a man from China
Who wasn't a very good climba
He tripped on a rock
And tore off his co*k
So now he has a vagi*a

 

[Ehecatl]

Prisoners in cells
Sometimes sprout wings and fly east
They stop each other

An empty table
Enamored with a white moon
extricate me please

 

[HolyNightmaress]

I lol'd at A~Kid's. I'm sorry that's just...lmao..

 

[INSANE CARZY GUY]

Whats in my head


In my head their is a fight
happy things turn to torture
bad things wait to pop up when needed
soon I suck at things I never tried
deeper I slip in to it's trap
but soon I see what's around me
nothing dissolving me
no one hurting me
No one stopping me
only friends who never knew
soon I see more around me
the love and rain
a chance and possibles
I become the limit
I am the limit

There is no end
and if there is so what
I see more
unbelieveing I see
I see more than what can be seen
I feel more than one has ever felt
better than a dream
nothing but an idea, hope ,and the will to help
amazing I show this...
as the deaf listen and the blind watch
I understand I am alone
someone wishing to help with no one to help
the h*** in my head returns
I sink into place
till the next time I break free with hope
and dreams
till the next time I tell myself there is more

till the next I am the limit
the next time I decide to be more
till then I wait in past chains that have made themselfs
As I wait


I just wrote it and just let it flow. but now I rarly ever hurt myself like that(never cut self), now I am A really happy person

 

[Zook]

Never mind.

 

[Thunder Of Zeus]

ROB faces the foe
His ROBot eyes gleam with red
Only ashes remain

hmmm? hmmmmmmmm?

 

[JOBOT]

another poem that nobody will comment on.
.
.
.
.

Text trickles down
in organic swirls,
such cold pixels buzz
each the printed pigment
of a bigger picture...

They line up,
to brick in a mortar-less
wall of protection.
circuits split cracks
in the static,
popping sensations.
of stone cold love



Have we forgotten the warmth
of a hand hard (h)at work,
the clay cut fingers
layered in the persistence
of dried paint
The drained feeling
of finishing an idea
when an idea is only,
really,
abandoned in
self-satisfaction.

The melancholy ending
that pulls us back for more
is to be,
no longer
ignored.

 

[Hydra.]

blah,....ew

 

[Dodongo]

I never knew this topic existed.



No words so sweet have left my tongue
As she who scratches at my door
Her gentle kiss so soft and numb
It always leaves me wanting more

My lady sing this heart untorn
And while we dance we'll watch it fade
Your beauty stolen and reborn
So perfect by my razor blade

There is no night that I don't taste
The tears that fall from angels eyes
And lose myself in her embrace
Beneath a thousand smiling skies

 

[JustKindaBoredUKno]

i do some stuff on occasion. I won't pretend that I'm good, I don't do it to show people, more or less just relieves a little stress. I did have to edit this a little.


Pointless


all the dumb drama
its always the same
someone screws up
no one takes the blame

tired of nonsense
gotta suck up your pride
no one admits defeat
behind lies we all hide

life's so stressful
life's just not fair
everyone's connected
its the pain we all share

its the pain that keeps us human
brings us to reality
so just suck it up
realize the fallacy

the words of a good friend
who's been there more
"let it go or screw it
it isn't worth stress anymore"

whats there to do
in a world so imperfect
its hard to believe
any of its worth it

What is the point?
Whats there to prove?
Whats there to gain?
Whats there to lose?

we're all so flawed
in our design
if there's a god
give me a sign

not just the fighting
that tears us apart
the lying, the cheating
those deceitful at heart

"She cheated on me again,
but i still forgive her"
"I really hate booze
but i'm still a drinker"

the hypocrites
all crying for help
in a world they
made for themselves

Those corrupt with power
in love with their wealth
money and strength
all meant for themselves

Lifes too short
for the bull****
nothing gets better
i'm getting sick of it

smile or laugh
or pout and cry
just live your life
in the end we all die

 

[AKC12]

poem for a girl i really like... simple stuff, but looking at the posts its likely im not gonna get a response soon... here's two

Hey Amy
Hey Amy
What do you see
When you look at me?
Is it fear? Is it doubt? Is it lov…
Hey Amy
When I look at you
I see a mystery
That is waiting to be solved
By someone special
Like me?
Hey Amy
Don’t be afraid
Of the road that’s laid
For us to see.
It’s better for us to go together.
I’d rather go away if it ain’t meant to be.
Hey Amy
If I said I love you
What will you do?
Will you leave me, sad
Or will you make me happy.
I’m still afraid of what’s to be when I tell you.
Hey Amy
Did I ever tell you
That you are a shining star when I see you happy
And all my problems seem to fade away when I see you that way.
And when you’re sad, I’ll be sad with you.
I’ll never ignore your thoughts and feelings.
Hey Amy
I want to share everything with you
Food, friends, feelings, fears and far more.
Because I love you
And by just looking at you
I feel complete
And without you
I’m incomplete.
Hey Amy
How about you?
What do you see
When you look at me?
Angelo Coelho
August 13, 2009

What Would You Do?
What would you do
If I were hurt?
Would you comfort me? Help me? Save me?
If it were me, I’ll do all I can to heal you.
What would you do?
What would you do
If I were away?
Would you keep me occupied? Would you cry? Would you stay faithful?
If it were me, I would want to talk to you as much as possible.
What would you do?
What would you do
If we weren’t meant to be
Would you stay with him? Would you stay in the light? Would you remember me?
If it were me, I’ll never forget you, yet move on.
What would you do?
What would you do
If our eyes met
Would you flirt? Admire them? Make out with me?
If it were me, I’d tell you your eyes are simply beautiful.
What would you do?
What would you do
If I said I love you?
Would you stay with me forever? Would you say the same back to me?
If it were me, I’ll kiss you instantly.
What would you do?
What would you do
If we never met?
Would you still be happy? Would you be sad?
If it were me, I wouldn’t know what to do.
What would you do
If I were gone from you?
Would you cry? Would you fade? Would you die?
If it were me, I wouldn’t know what to do.
What would you do?
Angelo Coelho
August 13, 2009

 

[W.A.S.T.E.]

Obgyn

OBGYN

Let’s begin in the end and work backwards.
Let’s aim for the mushy feelings in your head and in your stomach.
The ones you can barely stomach.
So find your clothes and slowly put them on and let’s begin before this retrogression closes.
If I weren’t a doctor, I’d tell you I think you have lovely milky skin,
But I am a doctor so let’s just begin.
Put on your clothes and I’ll close this door.
Let’s go back to how it was before.
I’ll stay Dr. and you’ll stay Mrs.
Let’s go back and hold on to your kisses, and secrets, and fingertips.
Let’s begin again and begin things right.
I’ll be tight lips and stony eyes this time around.
So let’s begin.
Let’s aim for a different end.
Know this: We are not friends.
Let’s remember who we are.
I am Dr. and you are Mrs.

JM

 

[JLynn943]

I'm not claiming to be even a decent poet or anything, this was just something I wrote a couple years ago and it has stuck with me since


This is what it comes to
This is where it ends
This is where we get off
Here's where we begin

 

[D13]

This is a song a friend of mine wrote on another forum. It was sort of lost in time, but I think it's really cool. Don't bother critiquing it or anything (like I said before, I didn't write it). I just wanted to share it with you guys.

Untitled

O, if I were the king of the world
what a fabulous king I would be.
I'd line up and kiss all my enemies
and before me the babies would flee.

I'd command a hundred brave princesses
and I'd marry the fairest of knights.
I'd throw the most miserable parties and
I would lose the most glorious fights.

I'd have a great treasury filled up with roasts,
and a table set nightly with gold,
and a sword that would take the strength of a young man
and replace it with that of an old.

I'd send men out questing to seek the dragon
and others to slay The Grail.
I'd go on a hike to the ocean's end,
to the peaks of the mountains I'd sail.

And when I grew tired of ruling the world,
and the time for a new king drew nigh?
Why then I would have myself buried alive,
because that way I never would die.

 

[TigerWoods]

Nvm............

 

[iLight]

so much for waiting for him or others to critique i guess...

 

[AssaultFalcon]

This is a rap, but i consider rap poetry, I don't usually write about brawl, was just in the mood
Tell me what you think..

My main is Captain Falcon
2nd in command is Mario
Predict every possible outcome
through aura like lucario
My friends Clash both in real life and up in smash
They think some hack
can change the fact
that they lack the combat skills
necessary
to make them legendary
No strategy guide is fine as mine
which exist only in ma mind
which i flip through from time to time
My sacred combo goes..
Raptor boost to Up air
Up air to Down B
Sends em off the stage
follow up with a falcon knee
A neutral B for noobs
who couldn't show me their moves
It's a shame
Gettin pissed off over a game....