Critique: Shadow Swordsman
*Shadow Swordsman*
"War: Will it End?"
I liked the opening lines for the description of the battlefield. It's a good place to start considering the subject. I understand your point, but it seems to run into trouble in certain places by being too obvious.
Lines like: "Hasn't this senseless destruction gone on long enough?" summarize the entire poem, which causes a problem in that I don't have to read through the rest of it to get what you're trying to say. You start off describing "destruction", which is good and can be brought out more. The "senseless"-ness of it is implied when you ask "why?" Was it the government's fault? It's a good point. Maybe lead into it from the images of the battlefield to wondering where are the leaders who were responsible for the bloodshed, who are hiding somewhere safe while ordering their people to die. Sometimes it helps to utilize your perspective, maybe expand more on the immediate and in-your-face details (like a war-torn field) and then connecting them to abstract concepts (like politics, human nature and history).
"The innocent die, the righteous fall," is a good instance of poetic flow; the phrase is nearly symmetrical, but the following phrase, "by the hand of another person" sounds a little awkward and isn't necessary.
The idea behind this is strong and has good potential. With more attention on the poetic effects, it can leave a greater impression.
*Shadow Swordsman*
"War: Will it End?"
I liked the opening lines for the description of the battlefield. It's a good place to start considering the subject. I understand your point, but it seems to run into trouble in certain places by being too obvious.
Lines like: "Hasn't this senseless destruction gone on long enough?" summarize the entire poem, which causes a problem in that I don't have to read through the rest of it to get what you're trying to say. You start off describing "destruction", which is good and can be brought out more. The "senseless"-ness of it is implied when you ask "why?" Was it the government's fault? It's a good point. Maybe lead into it from the images of the battlefield to wondering where are the leaders who were responsible for the bloodshed, who are hiding somewhere safe while ordering their people to die. Sometimes it helps to utilize your perspective, maybe expand more on the immediate and in-your-face details (like a war-torn field) and then connecting them to abstract concepts (like politics, human nature and history).
"The innocent die, the righteous fall," is a good instance of poetic flow; the phrase is nearly symmetrical, but the following phrase, "by the hand of another person" sounds a little awkward and isn't necessary.
The idea behind this is strong and has good potential. With more attention on the poetic effects, it can leave a greater impression.