Official Poetry Critique Topic- Now Public to anyone!

[El Nino]

Critique: Shadow Swordsman

*Shadow Swordsman*
"War: Will it End?"

I liked the opening lines for the description of the battlefield. It's a good place to start considering the subject. I understand your point, but it seems to run into trouble in certain places by being too obvious.

Lines like: "Hasn't this senseless destruction gone on long enough?" summarize the entire poem, which causes a problem in that I don't have to read through the rest of it to get what you're trying to say. You start off describing "destruction", which is good and can be brought out more. The "senseless"-ness of it is implied when you ask "why?" Was it the government's fault? It's a good point. Maybe lead into it from the images of the battlefield to wondering where are the leaders who were responsible for the bloodshed, who are hiding somewhere safe while ordering their people to die. Sometimes it helps to utilize your perspective, maybe expand more on the immediate and in-your-face details (like a war-torn field) and then connecting them to abstract concepts (like politics, human nature and history).

"The innocent die, the righteous fall," is a good instance of poetic flow; the phrase is nearly symmetrical, but the following phrase, "by the hand of another person" sounds a little awkward and isn't necessary.

The idea behind this is strong and has good potential. With more attention on the poetic effects, it can leave a greater impression.

 

[El Nino]

Critique: MasterMewtwo

*MasterMewtwo*
"The 11th Day"

The tone is innocent, and it ends on a hesitantly optimistic note. The effect is nice; unexpectedly gentle. Personally, though, I would not have chosen this topic.

"The 11th day could have been a normal day," is a good line; simplistic, matter-of-fact. By saying this, it almost immediately implies that the 11th day was not a normal day. I also liked saving the message of the poem for the final stanza. It's a good way of concluding it.

Some suggestions: be careful with grammar and word choice. The 2nd line of the 1st stanza, in my opinion, reads awkwardly. I would also suggest changing the last line of the 2nd stanza: "A Day that no living soul will forget." Maybe, "a day that one nation will never forget" or something to that effect. "No living soul" seems somewhat overly dramatic to me.

Overall, I like your poetic voice and the tone coming from this. You show sympathy and cynicism without really overdoing either. Hope to see more of your work.

 

[El Nino]

Critique: KirbyMan3000

*KirbyMan3000*
"Monster"

You did pretty well with this poem, especially considering both structure and subject matter. Sonnets have a reputation for being difficult, and taking a literary character as the subject doesn't make it easier.

For problems with rhyming, I'd suggest playing around with the sentence structure. For instance, if you were to have problems like rhyming "forevermore" in line 2, you can switch around the entire line: "By man's society forever shunned," or something. Manipulating sentence structure would open up more possibilities for word choice to fit a rhyming scheme.

Content-wise, it's a very sympathetic portrayal of Frankenstein's monster, with a heavy emphasis on his loneliness, which is true to the novel. If anything, you mention his loneliness too often when there are other aspects of his character that could have been included (like his bitterness and anger directed at his creator that drove him to seek revenge). But then, I realize it might have been too much trouble considering the difficult format.

Sonnets were Shakespeare's thing. They trip up most poets. But you keep to the rhyming scheme rather well, while maintaining the iambic pentameter. I also liked the couplet at the end, closing it off where the book closed.

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

Stars of Radiation

These tracks you left behind
For me to follow fall
Clear off a cliff.

There I sat and watched the
World set
To an atomic bomb.

Radiation shimmering on the scene
Like stars in skies
On the darker nights.

The atmosphere leaks like
Black blots from a
Broken pen.

Non-substitutable molecules of oxygen
Escape the grasps of my
Breathless lungs.

 

[El Nino]

Critique: Bazooka Lucca

*Bazooka Lucca*
"Stars of Radiation"

Again, your work is very concise, yet descriptive. The images brought out here are vivid; the theme is subtle and abstract.

It seems that the narrator could be situated in a real, physical setting, though by the first stanza, it's more likely that the setting is metaphorical. Maybe both? Following something/someone to the edge of a cliff infers climbing to high ground, then gaining an overreaching view of the world. "Radiation shimmering ... like stars" reminds me of urban skylines, how the city at night can look like a human attempt to imitate a star-lit sky.

Metaphorical or not, the setting is handled as if it were real, which is very effective. "The atmosphere leaks like/Black blots from a/Broken pen," is a memorable line. Good use of language. Could also be a subtle reference to the writer.

Suggestions: maybe, remove "the" from the last line of the 3rd stanza. I kind of tripped over that part. Also, "grasps" in the 2nd line of the last stanza could be changed to non-plural. The only real advise I can think of is to work in a smoother transition from 4th to 5th stanza. The 5th sounds similiar to the previous two in sentence structure, which makes it read a litle awkwardly, though I like the content of it.

I nitpick. I know. Or else I would have nothing to say to you. This is talented writing, with a good handle on tone, imagery and atmosphere.

 

[Masque]

Young Love

I wrote this poem for Laura, one of the people I care about most. I went out with her last year, and things didn't work out (parental interference, so to speak). Over the past year, I've liked her on and off, and I have since the beginning of this school year. She doesn't know that, but me and many of my friends do. We are good friends and coincidentally share many of the same best friends. She may not share my affections, but I can live with that for now. :D

"Young Love"
©MRF (aka Aeris) - Sept. 22nd, 2003

Young love is like a rose in bloom
That sweet aroma fills the room
Its petals, soft and luscious red
Leave fanciful dreams in a lover's head

Aye, but a gardener, full of scorn
Kills the rose, its petals torn
No happiness, no hopes and dreams
All of them, ripped at the seams

The love is lost, all left is fake
Time stands still in winter's wake
No stem nor leaf will e'er be found
Amidst the frost on the wintry ground

The days go by, an hourglass' sand
A robin peeks across the land
His chirp is now a roaring chorus
Hark! The lovers stand before us

Each one gives a nervous glance
And on the meadow, they share a dance
They vow not to make mistakes once made
And under a tree, they sit in the shade

Two mature people sit there now
Their love will flourish, they certainly know
And since they've grown with soul and class
Their rose will bloom in greener grass

:D

 

[Luigitoilet]

Aeris- "Young Love"

This is a nice poem. In my opinion, you did wonderfully with the rhyming, which is a hard thing to do.

Comparing love to a rose isn't a new idea, of course, but the gardener (the parents, obviously) seems a fresh thing

I also like how you described winter as a barren, scornful thing, as it works with the rose metaphor, also.

Yeah, I'm not the best critic.

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

Aye, remember to avoid cliche's. (Time stands still for example). I liked "Winter's wake," that had caught my eye. I'm not big into sappy poetry like this, so sorry if I come across so negative. (I just have different views on love poetry.) I would say avoid rhyming since that is the only thing you have going (aesethically) in this poem. To make a poem beautiful, or aesthetic, you should broaden what the poem contains. All poems should contain a certain tone (maybe several mixed tones) and love seems to be yours.

But we've seen this before. Birds and roses. Your strongest point is the flow in this. It flows off nicely. (Except in the last stanza "now" does not rhyme with "know.") Aye, keep writing. And please if you wish to respond, send the critiquer a private message instead of posting in this thread; we need to keep things raw around here.

 

[Ragnagion]

Nothing much. Just a poem I needed to do in English class.


The truth I gave you've torn asunder
The pain felt like a bolt of thunder
Your promise of friendship I took to heart
But you lies and deceit tore us apart

Your shadow, a dream I walked away
Your foolish games I dared not to play
Escaped your little puppet strings
A toy to you no more I bring

For all the pain I had to face
No more of your disgrace
I thought it would be till the end
Goodbye to you, my "dearest" friend.

 

[Aurora Grid]

Hey I haven't posted here for a long time. Well heres my poem.. The moral of this poem is " If you ignore the problem get ready to deal with the consequences "

The Storm

You wake up at the morning
You turn on the Radio then a person says
Warning a storm is coming!
But you ignore it

Soon the people around you get more terrified
As you listen to the people you just ignore what is going on
Soon you stare at the sky.
This giant dark cloud blocking the sun

Then you realize that too late
As you race home the storm is alomst sweeping you off your feet
When you arrive in the shelter... The storm takes you away
Your vision goes black afterwards you wake up

You see the great damage around you
And you finally realize you weren't prepared
As you rebuild your life you stop and think
Always take shelter when a storm comes.

 

[Luigitoilet]

MasterMewtwo
"The Storm"

This doesn't flow too well, and it seems more like a prose type thing.

You don't keep a rythym, or any kind of pattern.

It would be better to create some mystery in the poem, by that I mean not make everything blatantly obvious. Also, more imagery.

Quite a few grammatical errors, also.

Keep at it, though.

 

[Incrediblorian]

Emotional Straightjacket

This emotional straightjacket holding my love and my hate
Taking this heartbreak was just another mistake
Realizing a dream, it seems so easy
Taking the next step, can make anyone queasy
But all for that feeling we strive to achieve
Makes it all better when its received
But all of the feelings holed up inside
Brings out an ending in which we collide
But we can control where this will go
As long as we realize each other from head to toe


A barrier keeping everyone out
A wall that was made of all of my doubts
The stronger I feel the weaker it gets
My pride and my heart leaving no more regrets


I walk along, a day closer to death
Thinking to hope this wont be my last breath
I look back, just to see what I’ve done
See what I’m proud of, and what I’ve begun
I cant seem to get this out of my head
But this feelings too strong to be shed
I’m feeling cornered and utterly trapped
I’ll learn to deal with it, I learn to adapt
But losing perfection is not an ordeal
It’s a mind changing process that tries to reveal

A barrier keeping everyone out
A wall that was made of all of my doubts
The stronger I feel the weaker it gets
My pride and my heart leaving no more regrets

The way I can look into your eyes
Makes me forget all our goodbyes
Through my mind and my soul
Nothing matters when my hearts in control
It holds all of me, under my skin
Letting it out would be such a sin
Only to those who id wish to know
Where my thoughts of you can flourish and grow
Ill show a side they never did see
A part of me I wish I could be

one of my many many poems.....be nice, lol...peace

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

Well, it's vaque as the what you're talking about, but blunt with your feelings. This is a mood poem, but it's completely constant. I think if you tried rewriting this poem without the rhyme and with some imagery in it, it could be much more effective in expressing your idea to the reader.

I loved your first line "This emotional straighjacket." That was a great line. Try doing more stuff like that. I would avoid rhyme, it binds your freedom and makes you feel forced to end a line that rhymes with the previous. I would strongly urge you to stay away from it.

Rhyme can be good, but it's so hard. Any poem I have liked that had rhyme in it did not have only rhyme as its main aesthetic quality. Try throwing in rhymes here and there for emphasis on different parts. I would try looking up some poems by T.S. Elliot (early 20th century poet) who did just this. He knew what he was doing when it came to rhyme. Rhyme is just such a difficult element to use effectively. Sure, anyone can rhyme, but learning how to rhyme when it counts is what's hard. Keep writing though, I see some potential.

 

[Incrediblorian]

this is awesome i think i found my new favorite board to post on, and like you said about the rhyming, its true and i have some poems without rhymes in them and they will follow, i dont want to clog up the topic with all my stuff but i just find this very helpful, well because i love to write this stuff but after these i wont post anymore as to let other people get critiqued, and if you feel i posted again to soon you could just ignore these for now i guess.....


Time

Without hate there is no love, with out life there is no death, without night there is no day. Only one thing is this world stands alone with no rival, and that is Time itself. Time stands still for nothing, no one love, no one life and no one great day. In Time there is death, hate and night, and without Time we would have nothing. Time is forever! Then why is it we never have enough Time to love? To live and see the next day? We waste Time on things that once were and that never will be instead of things that are and things that will come!


Backbone for Life

In the tunnel of darkness, your hope, your face, is the shining light, the light at the end of the tunnel. Your hope showing everyone a person who truly cares and gives a s*** at how things end. A person with hope is a beam of light in this monstrosity we call humanity. A person with hope, is the only hope this world has. And the only hope this world has, is but the needle in the haystack. When things get unbearable, thats when we'll want, need, pray, and hope those "needles" to show themselves and bring back a chance at a bearable world with truth and honesty, and an optomistic view as its backbone for life.

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

Well at first glance I like your paragraph format, I don't see that often. Right away some people might classify that has prose rather than poetry. *Shrugs* I don't know.

"Time"

Man... this is one big cliche. (The biggest was time stands still for nothing). Good writers don't use cliches. Don't use common language in poetry. It's hard to critique something htat is full of cliche's. Technicaly it's not your own words, but words we hear way too much. Phrases that are often found in everyday conversation.

"Backbone for life"

Again, lots of cliches. (Needle in a haystack, Light at the end of the tunnel.) I found that when I first started writing I used alot of cliches and didn't really think much about it. But to someone who knows some basics about writing would find unattractive. (It's standard to look down on cliches.) I like the optimistic message in this. One thing to remember. "Show the reader, don't tell." You do alot of telling. If you want your writing to stand out, use imagery and metaphors. It gives the reader something to visualize while they are reading. This is another key in good writing. Keep at it though, the process is slow. I'm still learning alot myself.

 

[Evil Sacrafice]

This poem was not written by me, it was in fact written by psionicxero on these forums. He told me to put it up because he was having problems, so sir james has all the credit cause i cant write. He would also like to know your opinions on it so here i go to put it up

The skies bear the trials of man
For the seas bring the terrors of judgment

Screaming from the lakes of fire
Mourning for the gates of eternity
Halted are those who plummet into mystery
Send my peace for I give thou insanity



-Sir James

Once again, i get no credit for this poem, sir james or psionic xero does.

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

Okay, that's cool, no problem. Thanks for posting for him, that was very kind of you (I can give you that much).

Well... This seems to be a religious poem. Dominately Protestant or Catholic. So I'm going to be following up with a bias based on such a view. (I'm a christian myself and I can see how this poem could relate).


The skies bear the trials of man
For the seas bring the terrors of judgment

Skies - Symoblic of heavens? If so - good, I'm glad you said "skies" instead of heavens. Why? Because people refer to the skies way too much as the heavens. And this seems to go deeper. "The seas bring the terrors of judgement" - Could this be referring to hell? If not, and if this poem is something irrelevant to the afterlife, then perhaps it's describing a hassling situation in your personal life. If it was hell - it would make sense because, in a sense, **** is a punishment (a judgement) brought onto people in the afterlife.


Screaming from the lakes of fire
Mourning for the gates of eternity
Halted are those who plummet into mystery
Send my peace for I give thou insanity

"Screaming[....]," I can definitly see this being hell now. Screaming from torture, and then mourning for the gates (heaven's gates?). Lots of emotion there, you could have stretched it out more. Maybe if you focused more on the agony, and perhaps contrasted heaven and hell. I love "plummet into mystery." As if hell were a bottomless pit (according the Bible, it is).

The last line has me. I understand "Send my peace..." but as soon as you hit "...for I give thou insanity," I'm not sure what to think. Insanity would seem to come from the constant torture in the horrible place. I dunno, you have me here.

How to improve -
Well, your poem seems to be a descriptive piece showing the idea of eternal punishment. I think giving the reader something more to look at would help (if you want your description to stick out - use imagery, show the reader, don't tell), but, you've got the benefit of the doubt. That is to say - hell gives the reader several images, but if you were creative you could play with those images. Play around with fire, heat, mixed with the anger and cries. Just a thought. I liked it over, it's short and interesting. I just wish I knew the meaning behind that last line. Good work.

 

[Psionic Xero]

thanks for replying to this, but y dont you poeple reply to The Unforgiven

 

[Evil Sacrafice]

DUDE, dont do that

He is so new to the boards he doesnt want to read certain things, here is the unforgiven by him...again all credit is his, and ****..

Love is powerless, a losing fight
Realm of darkness cast at twilight
Menacing limber death renders gleam
The final peace forever deemed
Light and shadow twin
Malice thoughts thrash out within
Let yourself love what you’ve lost
Deviate, and never accost

- sir james

There it is, his other work.

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

Psionic Xero - Please read the first post in this topic. And I didn't see "The Unforgiven" written previously, so that's why I didn't respond to it. But now that I see it, I'll take a look.


Underneath each line is my interpretation. I dont' know how accurate I am. But I think I could translate this pretty good. (You used some tough words here, so I had a hard time).

Love is powerless, a losing fight
-Good way to open up the poem, it's descriptive and sets the topic clear.

Realm of darkness cast at twilight

-Imagery here. A dark landset at nighttime.

Menacing limber death renders gleam

-???

Okay... This is where it gets contemplative. Menacing limber death... (Thinking out loud here) A destructive something, the ending (death) of something. Of love? It renders gleam. Contrast of darkness? So it's "death of the light" in other words?

The final peace forever deemed

-Peace? AKA - Equilibrium of a break-up in a relationship.

Light and shadow twin

-Okay.. the dark and light again contrasted (Good, I like this). And this is the two sides.

Malice thoughts thrash out within

-Anger. Frustration more likely. "How could this happen?" "If only I..." I can relate, I see where you are going with this.

Let yourself love what you’ve lost

-Don't refrain from thinking about it. Let the griefing process do its work.

Deviate, and never accost

Turn away, but not boldly?
------------------------------

Well I liked the length of your poetry, short and to the point, But it still says alot despite its length. Try expressing yourself more. That's a vague statement, but what I mean is try to expand on some of the main ideas in your poetry. Express them with imagery, emphasize them with an occasional rhyme. (Speaking of rhyme, I liked your rhyme scheme, it worked well and this is one of the poems I've seen in a while that I didn't think the rhyme didn't detract from the poem itself). Anyways good work. It was an interesting way of putting things. I hope my interpretation was correct. You can always private message me if you want to tell me something. (Or AIM me: Bazooka Lucca)

Keep writing

 

[Incrediblorian]

Cardboard Universe

something new and different from what i usually do....


Six sides of neverendign fun
one taped up
and the opposite torn open with undying excitement
the light shines in
beaming all around the 4' by 3' by 6' playground of imagination
I slither in as the 4 walls surround me
and what does it become
Is it a Spaceship?
A racecar?
A jungle Safari?
or am i on the beach takin in the rays?
As i pull the lid shut leaving one crack of light
It becomes clear
These 4 walls, one ceiling and one floor are all i need
A universe all its own
I can examine each corner 100 times and find something new on each adventure i take
The ignition button, the key to King Tut's tomb, the spatula that feeds the world around, or the hat that makes the pope so tall
But all good things must come to an end
Ill turn around and come back again
So i peak my head out and what do i see
a whole real world of adventure waiting for me
i pull myself out and run around some more
look back with a tear in my eye and remember...my cardboard universe 6' by 3' by 4'

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

Wow. I strangely like this. The creativity. I like the message to. What I got out of this was " Don't box yourself up, reach out and explore." I wish you could have made the questions symbols (The spaceship/race car/jungle safari part). Maybe they are, I doubt it.

Lots of images here. Good job on that. I liked the last rhyme too, it sums up the poem well and brings it to a solid conclusion (But leaves you wondering still).

Nitpicking:

Okay, I didn't like "takin in the rays." I wish you could have expressed that differently. I think the overall tone bugged me a little. Keep in mind it's not what you say, it's how you say it. This is just my personal preference in poetry though. Keep writing, I think you're getting somewhere.

 

[Badboy Bighead]

I play the game, and will not be beat.
One day, I hope to join the elite.
Dribbling forward with all my might.
Blurry colors, weaving in and out of my sight.
The ball is mine, I do a trick.
To keep the ball, and make the winning kick.
With all my strength, I drive the ball.
Nobody can stop me, I make the calls.
Running back and forth, I always try.
To make sure the other team cannot pass by.
With all that said, one thing remains.
I'm a soccer player, and I've got game.

Well, that's my poem. It's a school assignment. I also need some help deciding on a name too.

 

[Sherminater]

Too shy to comply

There you are again, running through my mind.
Here it comes again, my heart’s in a bind.
Why’m I so shy, too shy to comply.
I can’t speak my feelings, and I don’t know why.
I know it isn’t you, you’re too beautiful.
It is your beauty, that has my soul.
Those gorgeous blue eyes, that perfect smile.
If I were an inch, you’d be a mile.
I can’t get over, the way you look at me.
Again with the smile, if you could only see.
The way I really feel, how I wanna be with you.
How I wanna hold you tight, let my love come through.
But I guess I can’t, and as I sigh.
I realize that I am too shy too comply.
I say ‘hi’ to you in the hall, you smile and wave back,
every time you do that, I bout’ have a heart attack.
I see you standing alone, there’s a lot of tension,
just don’t have the guts, to ask you the question.
I talk to you, but in the end,
I go without a girlfriend.
So we go on with our lives, nothing ever done.
Not ever knowing, what we could have become.
All because I’m a foolish guy... too shy to comply.


there is a second part to this but I don't feel like sharing it yet.

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

I've been avoiding this topic because I hate sports and didn't want to really respond to the poem by Badboy Bighead. No offense man, but I can't relate to sports. I had trouble coming up with anything to say about your poem. I was hoping el nino or luigitoilet would respond so I wouldn't have to, but I haven't seen them around for a week or so now.

Right now I am extremely busy. I've got something going on like every night of the week plus homework. Plus I'll be leaving next wednesday on my senior trip (with Gideon I might add) for a good week and a half. Maybe if someone with some type of knowledge of poetry could critique while I'm gone, or even now. Please Please Please private message me or contact me on AIM (Bazooka Lucca). I want like 3-4 more people to help out critiquing. Maybe if you don't feel "good enough" then contact me anyway and we could teach you some basic stuff.

So for now, the topic is on hold until luigitoilet or el nino responds, or until some more people want to help out. I really want this topic to keep going, it's good for anyone who wants to learn more about poetry.

Thanks for your understanding,
-Zook

 

[Incrediblorian]

ok, first time critiquing, wish me luck

ok, well bazooca lucca has now assigned me as a new critiquer, and since he is not a sports kinda guy, and i have played soccer my whole life i feel this is a good place to start, although its been so long since you posted this you probably already
handed the assignment in with a name for it, but ill still do my best, wish me luck!!!!

Originally posted by Badboy Bighead
I play the game, and will not be beat.
One day, I hope to join the elite.
Dribbling forward with all my might.
Blurry colors, weaving in and out of my sight.
The ball is mine, I do a trick.
To keep the ball, and make the winning kick.
With all my strength, I drive the ball.
Nobody can stop me, I make the calls.
Running back and forth, I always try.
To make sure the other team cannot pass by.
With all that said, one thing remains.
I'm a soccer player, and I've got game.

Well, that's my poem. It's a school assignment. I also need some help deciding on a name too.

ok, the first thing i think is that, this poem really isn't important to you, or reflective of anything too important, especially if it is for school. you probably jsut wrote this to get a grade in school, but i could be wrong, maybe this means more to you than i think, but here goes....

i myself usually like rhyming in poems, it gives it rhythm and makes it easier to comprehend, especially with a pattern,and yours certainly does have one, the ever so popular 2 by 2 rhyming, lol

your first 2 lines kinda say, your a good player on a good team, but you want to be the best, on the best or 'elite' team. maybe you aspire to play when you grow up maybe not, but i really dont think that can mean anything else

lines 3 and 4:3 states how you try your hardest, and then line 4 is interesting, "blurry colors", firstly it says, the jerseys of both teams running around, but maybe it could more the the jerseys...your surroundings maybe blur themselves leaving you nothing but the game to think about, and they 'weave in and out of your sight' points to the players wearing jerseys and running around as well, passing and opening up for one another, coming in and out of your line of sight. also it could be youre a little confused and cant keep track of whats happening so it all becaomes one big blur, who knows, lol....you do!

line 5 and 6:these simply point to glory hog, you want to nutmeg(driblle it through theres legs after pulling a move) someone, make someone fall on their face and then score with one H*ll of a shot, everyone will notice you and you will feel satisfied

lines 7 and 8:'with all your strenth you drive the ball', does it mean just that you keep the ball low and hit hard and fast, i think you control or 'drive' the ball, it does what you want it to do when its at your feet, and line 8 makes me think you are kind of a captain or leader of the team, its simple but a different way of say it, 'i make the calls'

lines 9 and 10: i liked these because they tell me what posistion you play, only cause i know what each position has to do, i woudl guess you play defensive mid maybe, but definetly defensive positions if you have to stop them from 'passing by', this is good cause it makes it a tad more personal and teh reader knows someting more about you now and what you do

lines 11 and 12:sums up the poem strongly and with arrogance at that, you clearly state 'you got game' and that gives you an attidue the reader can relate with, and stating you are a soccer player is a good idea, because with out that, some people would have no clue as to what sport you are playing

all in all, its a good poem, i myself didnt' like it too much, but if its jsut for school id think youd get a good grade on it, good job keeping a rhyming scheme, it makes it easier for the writer and reader, but i think it was way to direct, i didn't have to think too much about what you were saying, try using similies and imagery and maybe tricking us into thinking soemthing else with what you say, just try and make it more subliminal than just 'im a soccer player', but to every man his own.....peace

p.s. i hope this is a good critique, its my first one, lol

 

[El Nino]

Critique: Sherminater

*Sherminator*
"Too shy to comply"

There are some nice lines in this poem. I liked: "There you are again, running through my mind./Here it comes again, my heart’s in a bind." The subject is one that transgresses time and culture, young love and opportunities lost to hesitation and inexperience. It's handled very honestly, with a tone of simple, genuine sincerity. Also, the rhyming scheme keeps a decent flow.

Some suggestions I have would include altering the line: "Too shy to comply." I know it's central to the poem (it's the title, and it's repeated 3 times in the body) but I'm not sure what it means. "To comply" means to submit to an authority, like obeying an order. Is the implication that the narrator is too shy to comply to the girl, who is maybe inviting him to take the initiative? This point is a little unclear; it would be an interesting point to elaborate on.

Also, I wonder about the use of 2nd person. The narrator addresses "you", the girl, and in places like line 5, this makes very good sense. But in line 16, it seems like something that would be addressed to the reader, not the girl. If every "you" in the poem were replaced with "she" it would work equally well, maybe better. But if this is intended to be unspoken feelings that the narrator is telling to the girl, I think you have a good opportunity here to do more with it.

And I would avoid cliques as in line 7: "gorgeous blue eyes" and "perfect smile".

You have a nice ability to work with rhyme, and this helps the sound of the poem. There are opportunities here to go in deeper than what is already offered. If you ever feel like sharing the 2nd part of this, I would like to see it.

 

[Sherminater]

sorry it took me awhile to get this on here. I know it isn't as good as the first the first one but I'll share.

Too shy to Comply: part ii

I talk to you more now, not nearly as shy.
you look at me wondering, what’s up with this guy?
why won’t he say it, why won’t he ask me out?
you know I want to, but there’s still a little doubt.
Yeah I’m still a little shy, too shy to comply.
But I’m getting closer, to being your guy.
I crack little jokes, just to see your smile,
yeah I’m still that inch, and your still that mile.
But this is a mile that I’m willing to run,
I’m ready to start, just waiting for the gun.
but the gun won’t fire, unless I pull the trigger.
but every time I try, the shyness grows bigger.
the shyness that almost makes me cry.
Because I’m too shy to comply.
I lay awake at night, thinking of you.
planning how to ask, wondering what to do
How can I get this girl, who is so beautiful.
to share with me, passion red as a coal.
the passion deep inside, buried within my mind.
buried so deep that only I know where to find.
It’s a passion that needs let out, to be set free.
you are the door, and asking you is the key.
But I’m still just a foolish guy... too shy to comply.

Too shy to comply means he's too shy to do what his brain is telling him to do, hope that clears that up. umm... i want to write a third part but i don't know if the main character should finnely ask her or not, and if he does if she says yes or no.

 

[Aurora Grid]

Another Poem from Master Mewtwo

Well heres my latest poem. I put alot of effort into this so I guess that's what matters. Well this poem is about a person who's hoping that His friend ( Which is a Dark person in the outside but Good in the Inside ) bring his good out so here goes.


A DIVDED FRIEND


He is a night without Darkness sitting by my side
Staring Ruthlessly with Cold Freezing eyes
In this struggle of Who to be Who
Theres a friend divided into two


In the outside
It's nothing more than a Cold Night
Where Dawn never appears
In the Shadows full of fears


But deep inside that Night theres day
Where happiness is found in Every single way
Where the wind runs Peacefully
And the Sun shines Gracefully


But soon the Moon will fade
And the Darkness will escape
The sun will rise
Carrying it's Shimmering light.


But for now his world is Dark in the outside
And Light in the inside
One day this will change
in the struggle of who to be who
In this Friend Divided by two

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

Sherminator -

My only advice would be to try working with some more visuals. People respond better to literature with metahpors/similies. And avoid the cliches. Your poem was full of them.


MasterMewtwo -

Wow, much to take in there. A little too much. This poem is fairly vague, I don't think I could pinpoint an exact meaning behind this. But I like the tone of a poem. You started the last 3 stanzas with "But" I'm not sure if you tried that or not. Just something to think about. The sun rising is a big cliche and I would say to not use it at all in writing... or if so, use with discretion. Keep writing though... I think you have a good grasp on the mood of the poem, just work on expressing it more. I challenge you to use a similie (phrase that starts with "like or as") and a metaphor (Ex. "A sea of troubles."). Sometimes comparing something to something else helps the reader understand more. It's more poetic that way. Plus it gives something to appeal to your sense.

One of the best words that will trigger your sense in writing is PUKE. You can see it, smell it, taste it, feel it, and you can even hear the "noise" people make when it happens.... When you hear the word you start to think of those things. What it looks like, what it tastes like coming out of your mouth, what it feels like, and that horrible smell.

Now... I know you will all use "barf" in your next poem (Jk ). But that's just an example of what a single word can do in literature.

 

[El Nino]

Some brief comments

*Sherminator*

He's too shy to do what his brain is telling him? I guess that makes sense now. It's a good idea. I didn't expect it to be a reference to an interpersonal conflict. I thought it was external. Well, in this case, it would benefit you to make this point more clear. I don't mean explicitly state it, but add some lines that hint towards interpersonal conflict. Show the two parts of his mind arguing over what to do. Maybe one part says, "Go for it," and the other says, "No way in h*ll." I don't mean literally, but a mental dialogue would be interesting. In any case, I don't think you want your reader to guess at what you mean by "too shy to comply." I read it and got it wrong. And it's not an interpretation error, either. It's something I can't find evidence of in the text. So, hope this helps.

*MasterMewtwo*

"In this struggle of Who to be Who/Theres a friend divided into two." I like this line (watch grammar though). I think your overall tone is impressive--dark and moody. Also, "a night without Darkness" is an interesting phrase. Not sure what it means, but it stands out for some reason. The overall vagueness of the poem makes it difficult to understand. You do a good job with broad descriptions that gloss over the mood and the situation of being a divided personality, but I think you could benefit from balancing this with more concrete details on this individual's characteristics. "Staring Ruthlessly with Cold Freezing eyes" is a good example, one of the strongest visual elements of the poem. You could do well with more lines like this.

 

[DragonSlayersBaK]

OK dont make fun of me yes im a guy but this is my favorite poem ive written even though it is about love and i never came up with a name
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So often when I am embracing you,
It seems that you exist in this world
only because of me and I exist because of you.

It's not easy to wander in this world
and not lose one's way,
but the greatest happiness of all
is in giving joy to one's beloved.

And if the king can have his throne,
and if the bird can have his Spring nest,
and God can have his heaven,
then I, my sweetheart, I can have you!

 

[Incrediblorian]

critiwue numba 2..up up and awaaaaay

DragonSlayersBak-----



Ok,well anyone who writes poetry has certainly written about love, because love is an emotion and that’s what poetry is about, expressing emotion. So there is nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of here.

The poem seems direct, there is someone you love, and she loves you, and that you two are the most important things/reasons for being in this world. When you hold each other or are in each other’s presence that’s when you feel this the most. Or maybe all you need to be doing is thinking about each other and you fell this emotion of complete and total dependence or love.

Now your second stanza or verse really confused me, you have two completely non-related ideas stuck together. I mean… “It's not easy to wander in this world and not lose one's way,” is a good line, it shows how maybe you were both lost, not knowing where to go, but with each other you can never be lost again. But you should have stuck with that idea throughout the second part, because then…“but the greatest happiness of all is in giving joy to one's beloved,” what does that have to do with being lost? It kinda takes away from the poem because when I read it, I had to stop to think about what the connection in the lines of the second verse were, and then it just makes it less powerful.

But I do love your last part. I really like the visual it gives, how ever role in this world ‘needs’ something, maybe not the biggest most important ‘thing’, but no matter what you do, you have a set of necessities. A king has a throne to sit on and rule his kingdom from, a bird has a nest to bare children, and house them and take care of them, and God has all of heaven to rule and watch over and abide in, and you, you have your one and only, beloved!

Over all good poem, work on keeping your ideas in each verse or stanza related to each other, and try and use less direct words or ideas, try and hide what your writing a little, just to make the reader think more, imagery, similes, metaphors, I don’t know exactly, its really up to you…and for name I could suggest…..maybe….“Beloved”..im not to good with titles unless they are for mine, lol….peace

 

[DragonSlayersBaK]

Ty incrediblorian for the advice i am going to rework the second stanza in it ill PM you with it

 

[Luigitoilet]

Heroine

You make me itch,
you make me smile.
I can taste my insides
when you're with me.

You make my throat burn,
you make me carefree.
I've fallen in love with you,
you've rescued me.

You're my queen,
you make me sick,
you're my heroine.
---

This is actually a bit of a song I wrote, so I didn't work nearly as much on the words.

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

This poem is short and very revealing. I like the contrast in the 2 lines into each stanza.

I like how it's portrayed. Good job.

My mind is drawing a blank.

Kind of like this:









Exciting huh?
I think symbols/imagery might have taken away from this. Anyways I like it.

 

[Incrediblorian]

--Stain--


With a heavy heart ill stand to fight
to forget it now, be reborn tonight
its gonna be hard and take some will
this is more than a bump, its a hill
love can be an evil to big to contain
but its the kind of thing to leave a stain
a stain on my mind and soul
a stain so strong it leaves a hole
in my heart and in my thoughts
my feelings for you will never be stopped
tears were brought out and shed with a sob
its reasons like this my faith weakens in God

i know you guys dont like rhyming too much, but its what i do best, sorry, lol.....peace

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

Sounds like a poem on the subject of "not being able to except" something (Like a girl doesn't like you). To be honest, I'm tired of reading poems like this. The subject itself is cliche. So it's hard to be original.

It's a little too direct. But I like what you did with the last 4 lines (compared to the rest of the poem). Mainly because of the middle rhyme "brought out." Try doing some funky stuff with you rhymes if you are going to do rhyme schemes. Like work rhymes in the middle of the poem mixed with alliteration. That type of stuff is always fun to read.

 

[El Nino]

Critique

*Luigitoilet - Heroine*

Although it's short, it manages to convey some interesting sentiments. Strangely, when I first read it, I misread "heroine" as "heroin." The similarity though is a nice irony: "You're my queen,/you make me sick, /you're my heroine." Maybe you didn't do much wordplay, but it isn't all that necessary. I can see how this would work as a song. Just one thing: "you've rescued me." I like this line, a reference to the concept of "heroine." But I'd like to know, rescued from what?

*Incrediblorian - Stain*

I don't hate rhyme. It all depends on what a writer does with it. The main problem I see with rhyme is that it might disrupt the flow of a poem if it causes the writer to make sporadic jumps to fit a rhyming scheme. I think it's apparent that you can work rhyme effectively into a poem. There are some problems with consistency though: "its gonna be hard and take some will/this is more than a bump, its a hill." This works moderately well. But it jumps from a direct statement about the difficulty of a task to a metaphor, an image of a landscape. It works if the reader makes the connection that the difficult task is climbing a hill. Well, hills aren't always meant to be climbed. They may be fun to look at for some people. Maybe the allusion to climbing can be brought out more: "a single step takes my entire will/and the road to you transverses not a plain, but a hill."

It's unfortunate that the subject is cliche. That doesn't mean you can't do it, but I think it would be a challenge to do something new with it. I like the connection of love to evil. The last lines also impressed me: "tears were brought out and shed with a sob/its reasons like this my faith weakens in God" (grammar check). I like this because of a concrete detail (tears) that is associated with a more abstract statement (faith in God). There is potential here. Just feel free to experiment more.

 

[Aruun]

Well, Zook already commented on this on AIM, but I thought I'd post here anyways. ^^; BTW, it's supposed to sound like song lyrics.
---
Carousel


I feel my life is going nowhere
Everyday is just another day
I'm walking down the road
alone
But nothing's new, I'm afraid

I try to learn the things they've taught me
Everything is just a complicated puzzle
I'm trying to fit the pieces in
again
But I can't when half the puzzle's missing

I'm riding on a haunted carousel
That's cursed to never end
It travels
'Round and 'round
Just once I wish
Just once I dream
I want to stop this carousel in me

I fear I'm never gonna leave this place
To be stuck in this never-ending circle
The kids I see go by
The ones I saw pass yesterday
Do I have to see them one more time?
Do I have to see their happy faces?

I'm riding on a haunted carousel
That's cursed to never end
It travels
'Round and 'round
Just once I wish
Just once I dream
I want to stop this carousel in me