Official Poetry Critique Topic- Now Public to anyone!

[El Nino]

Critique

JediMasterYoda98 - "Carousel"

Well, I guess it does kind of sound like song lyrics. You've done some nice things here. "Haunted carousel" is a very good metaphor for monotony in daily life. The narrator seems dissatisfied, "I'm never gonna leave this place." It makes for interesting subject matter.

Some suggestions. The second stanza could tie in better with the central theme. Here the narrator tries to figure out a meaning to life and constantly fails in that attempt. It's an interesting idea, but more could be done to make it fit in better with the idea that life is mundane, repeating things over and over again. The second stanza presents life as a puzzle, something too complicated to be figured out, which contrasts the suggestion that the narrator's life is routine and going in circles. I guess if the carousel were to represent confusion, that would make more sense. But the first stanza, "nothing's new," seems to suggest that the carousel represents repetition and routine. Of course, it could represent both, but if that's the case, the confusion has to be brought out more.

The fourth stanza touches on some good points, other people's happiness brings frustration to the narrator. I would then like to know why the narrator fears, "I'm never gonna leave this place." What holds this person back? Why can't this person leave? Why does the narrator want to leave? And is the resentment here directed at the kids with "happy faces"? Or something else? Also, is this really a display of frustration at the monotony of life, or am I just reading too much into it?

The tone of it actually works pretty well throughout. The strongest lyrical qualities are in the chorus. What would help you, I think, would be to keep in mind that the reader can be expected to draw connections within a piece of writing, but they can't be expected to make complete assumptions. You seem to have a good, developing poetic voice that keeps the flow in your prose. I hope to see you develop this more.

 

[CerbKirby]

The Beast

I have finally felt the encouragement to write a new poem for the likings of you people. Now bow down to it as it pwnz you!

--

The Beast

He lies on the couch, lazy and crude
The protector of his children, the love of his wife
He's the endulger of food, the king of comical
Working the days, slacking through simply

He's lazy and fat, as well as balding
The signs of danger or adventure will be his calling.
Reckless, meniacle, ape-like, cunning
That's him all day, as well as all night.

Drunken in taverns, or watching T.V.
Meeting new people, torturing his son
He remains yellow-belly, careless, and dumb
But he's great to his kin, and mostly to us.

-

Well, enjoi!

 

[Aurora Grid]

Another Piece of Poetry from MM

Well it's been a long time since I have written any poems. But well Today is one of the Days I leave stuff to be critiqued. Well this poem was written for my high school. I had to make a poem about Africa's Slave Trade where slaves tried to Resist the british armies but were eventually out numbered. The Poem is from the Slaves View of that Time, so that's a little information. The Poem uses two sentences from my last poem " Where Sunlight Never Appears / In these Shadows full of Fears " I tought it would fit well so I put it in this poem as well. Enjoy it

" The Suffering "


Deep in the Darkness I hide
From the Terrors that Might rise
Locked inside in Suffering
While outside their conquering

Taking our Food and Crops
Even our most precious rocks
Making us Slaves
On our own Landscapes

We Try to resist
But they surround us like Mist
Blinding us from hope
In this Cruel World

Using us like Tools
Treating us like Fools
In this life of Despair
Where we can't escape from anywhere

What is the point of Living like this
Being Trapped in this Abyss
Where Light never appears
In these Shadows full of Fears

My only way to releif
Is to find my way to Peace
By Breathing my Last Breath
And resting in my Death

But for now I am here
And to you making clear
Of my hard time
In this Slavery Life.

 

[El Nino]

Critique

CerbKirby - "The Beast"

There are some things that I liked about this one. Particularly the opening line: "He lies on the couch, lazy and crude/The protector of his children, the love of his wife/He's the endulger of food, the king of comical." Rhyming 'crude' to 'food' works rather well here. It's provides a good image too, like: "He's lazy and fat, as well as balding." Well described. I also liked the strangeness of the subject of this poem. Something faintly disturbing about it just by tone and the words used. "Meeting new people, torturing his son/He remains yellow-belly, careless, and dumb." Some strong language here. The contradiction between the first two phrases (meeting new people, torture) is interesting.

I'd suggest making some changes to the second and third stanzas. He's "lazy" but adventure will be his "calling"? It would be interesting to know what you mean by this. He's "dumb" but also "cunning"? Instead of just listing adjectives, I think the words would do more work on the reader if some of these traits were demonstrated. Such as how lying on the couch shows us that "he" is "lazy and crude." I'd like to see more of this.

Also, "working the days, slacking through simply"? A weird contradiction. Work and slacking. It's interesting, but it could be explained more so that the reader is intrigued rather than just plain confused. The last line makes me wonder: "he's great to his kin, and mostly to us." Throughout the poem, you seem to consciously mention only "him" and other persons in relation to him, as in his son, his wife--third-person narration. Now you take it into first person by mentioning "us". It seems very deliberate, but who is "us"?

Some very interesting ideas in this poem. Good use of language and details. My main suggestion is to just make your words count more and don't rely on the reader to make assumptions.

 

[El Nino]

Critique

MasterMewtwo - "The Suffering"

Appropriately titled. Again, you have a unique voice and a nice poetic flow: "What is the point of Living like this/Being Trapped in this Abyss/Where Light never appears/In these Shadows full of Fears." The use of light and darkness to show good and evil is consistent; rhyme plays well tonally most of the time. Contrasting light/dark is a good dynamic, especially in relation to sight/blindness, how blindness is metaphorical for oppression, loss of free will: "We Try to resist/But they surround us like Mist/Blinding us from hope." Yet darkness also provides a comfort: "Deep in the Darkness I hide/From the Terrors that Might rise." Nothing left to do but deal, survive this. Significant, considering how the slaves managed to be resilient under captivity and how they managed to gain their freedom after a long struggle.

Suggestions I'd offer include matching your tone to your subject. The tone seems subtle, abstract, almost delicate. Yet sometimes the words are very specific (conquering, stealing crops/minerals). It almost plays false because of the contrast. If you want to focus on the specifics, I'd recommend fully immersing the reader into the details (the smell of the sea from the slave boat, the pain of the shackles, a view of a devastated agricultural field). If you'd prefer subtlety, I'd work more with abstract feelings (suffering under oppression, how such treatment dehumanizes a person, a population, and consequences that extend for generations, the damage it does onto society and culture and the sense of nationality, ethnicity, etc.). I could also nitpick on the last stanza. Certain parts of this read awkwardly, particularly that stanza. Almost seems to trivialize the subject matter.

Again, a good demonstration of your skills as a writer. I'm beginning to recognize your voice as a poet. More attention to details, more understanding of the subject matter perhaps, would really improve your writing.

 

[Aruun]

Alrighty, another crappy poem from yours truely ^^; Whatever. I tried to not be direct on this one, to keep the reader guessing, but... I don't know if they'll just get confused or not ^^; Ah well, here it goes. Oh yes, it is supposed to sound like song lyrics again, that's how I write all my poems ^^;

---

Moonlight


Laying in prairies of dead grass, haunting black veil above
I keep making the same mistakes again and again
Purifying flames ripping through the fields
I catch myself on fire

I try to paint the sun's memory with my cut hands
But all I see is blood

I embrace the torn bloody rose upon my chest
As my soul spills into the crimson lake below
Glimmering under the moon's pale light
This rose is my life

Moonlight reflects my being in my tears
But all I see is sin

So I continue praying to the moon...

Will your blood not save me?

---

Thanks for checking it out in advance ^^;

 

[El Nino]

Critique

JediMasterYoda98 - "Moonlight"

This one is fairly impressive. Language and tone flow well. There's a nice lyrical quality that resonates. Wording is also mostly consistent. The whole thing holds together. The visual elements too are especially vivid, handled with just enough detail and description. Mood and emotion are shown through symbols very effectively. It's not too direct or obvious, which is good, and even though the reader may not know what caused the narrator to feel this way, it's not important because the feelings come across as believable and real. It's very convincing.

I liked the phrase: "haunting black veil above," and also, "I try to paint the sun's memory." Interesting connection between sun's memory and the moon at night. "Moonlight reflects my being," is good too, and I liked the last line. Makes me wonder.

I'd recommend changing the second line of the first stanza: "I keep making the same mistakes again and again." I don't know what this is referring to. I would either do something more with it, or leave it out. In the third line of the same stanza, maybe you could alter "purifying" and "ripping" so that you don't have two words with the "-ing" ending too close together. "Flames of purification" or "purifying flames rip through" may work better. Second stanza, first line, I'd take out "my." Seems too wordy. The reader knows they are the narrator's hands. Maybe, also change "bloody" in the third stazna, first line, because you used the word "blood" in the last line of the previous stanza. "Torn red rose" or "torn bleeding rose" would work. I say this because I don't think you intended for repetition to be a theme in this poem.

This is good work. Decide whether you want to use many words or be simplistic. Either way, I'd suggest that you make every word do work, do something, to enchance the piece. I think this one is better than your others. Hope to see more from you.

 

[El Nino]

poem *edited*

A/N: A short one, fantasy-esque, untitled.

Hide me in me. These eyes
Know not the trouble reflected
Waters bring. Moonlight on
Supple surface streams
Calls for fish to dance
And stars to sing. Their revelry
Brings a halt to heaven, earth
And sea, whose hidden palace
Drowns the feathered heart
In a chalice reserved
For hallowed prophecy.

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

Jedimasteryoda - Great job on this. I love the "I try to paint the sun's memory with my cut hands/But all I see is blood" I can understand it to a degree too, despite it's touch of vagueness.

Great imagery.

El Nino - "hidden palace drowns the feathered heart," "fish to dance" Oh my word - genius! I've been very inactive with this topic lately, and to my suprise I come across two great poems - my apologies to everyone. I've been busy and kind of pushing it aside. Anyways back to your poem.

It's very surreal, very idealistic. I'd like to see more stuff like this from you. It's got a solid mellow tone, but not depressing. Just soothing. I'm at loss for words. I've read it over and over and I like it better each time.

Chalice? What did you mean by this? It's a cup - right? There seems to be several spiritual undertones in this. Which adds to it in a serene way. The imagery is what makes it so tastey.

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

Last Snowflake

And you left like
the last snowflake,
unique and falling,
the beauty is failing.
I drank the glass of water
you melted in.
The one you left half empty.

 

[El Nino]

Critique

A/N - Bazooka Lucca: Thanks for your critique. Chalice is a cup. But even I don't know what I meant by that. Guess it rhymes with "palace"? And coincidentally, it holds water, which was also mentioned. *shrugs* Randomness. On to yours.

Bazooka Lucca - "Last Snowflake"

There's a softness to the tone that fits remarkably well with the visual elements--the snowflake metaphor. There's significance and feeling too, expressed with very few words. It's minimalist, but profound in that simplicity. Somehow, the voice and flow of the poem reads like the falling of a snowflake--not entirely conscious of its importance, not sure whether or not its actions matter.

I initially misread the fourth line as, "the beauty is falling," but then I adjusted my screen and realized it was, "the beauty is failing." And so that became my favorite line. How the snowflake melts into a glass of water is important in relation to that line. "Leaving" is then not a disappearance; it's a change of form, dissolution into something no longer recognizable or distinguishable from the surroundings. "I drank the glass of water/you melted in," so "I" drank "you" and "you" became a part of "I" but "you" still managed to leave me. No longer there. Half-empty. Like in death, when the corpse stays but the living thing is gone.

Eh, too deep for me. If I'd suggest any alterations, it would be to change the first line. "And you left," sounds too much like a jump start because of the "and." Though starting off with "You left" might be too direct, and "Like the last snowflake" sounds a little cliche. Maybe "Unique and falling"?

Just as a sidenote, I don't think you always have to use the word "like" to apply symbolism. Here, the subject of the poem is described to be leaving like a snowflake, and then later is said to have melted into a glass of water. So the question is whether this individual is like a snowflake, or is an actual snowflake. For instance, a person could be like a snowflake, slipping quietly out the door, unnoticed. The writer would establish a similie, then follow up with an example. Or a person could actually be a snowflake, falling from the sky and melting. Not saying that either one is better, but I would suggest picking one and running with it. You could maybe begin with a metaphor, then bring it around to describe the actual person ("you"), or maybe keep the snowflake as a snowflake but then use the word "you" to imply a personality to it, to suggest that the poem isn't really about an inanimate object but a person.

As it is, the poem is compact, thought-provoking. It makes good use of the words (it's very careful writing), and it tells the reader just enough to get a taste of the mood/situation.

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

Thanks nino. I didn't quite mean for the poem to go that deep. I guess I can see how it all makes sense. I actually meant for the line "the beauty is failing" to be a reference to something else. The poem, when first wrote, served no real purpose for coherence. It was an emotional poem. It was careful writing, I had much trouble revising it. I like the start because it implies there was stuff before, it kind of leaves the reader wondering what it was. But whatever it was, it didn't matter, because "you" left (original version was "she" and not "you").

The morph from the snowflake to the water is just saying "you're" gone. Sure there's the transformation, but she's gone. She's gone.

You are a very good critiquer, I am humbled everytime you comment on a piece of mine.

Speaking of critiquers - I need more people! Right now I have 4, and I'd like to get several more. So anyone interested please private message me asking me about it. If you think you have an insightful mind in the field of poetry/literature please consider. The point of this topic is to help people with their poetry by providing them with constructive criticism. Anyone interested just PM me - it can't hurt.

Thanks,
Zook

 

[Maruiniq]

this is a short one, but i think its good. oh and, the word "gold" is meant as youthful, just ta let ya know.

Nothing Gold shall stay


Nature's first was gold,
Its hardest hue to hold,
but easiest to gain.
It can be found anywhere,
even in the sun, or rain,
until your youth is done.
But when age covers youth,
and night covers day,
nothing gold shall stay.

By Suicide

EDIT: thanx Zook, i fixed the miss spelling and now its done. Oh and, i did say it to my girl friend, she loved it, nice advice. Thanx again.

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

Well suicide boy...

"Nothing Gold Shall Stay"

Natures should be Nature's and It's should be Its. I like "hardest hue to hold." That is good work with alliteration and the contrast on the next line ties the two together (good detail work there). Good work tieing in the middle lines with the last lines (The sun part). It's a short poem, but there's nothing wrong with short poems.

Usually using day/night is a cliche. So perhaps avoid that in the future. It's so hard to be original nowadays.

Remember this poem when you find a girl you really like.

 

[Luigitoilet]

Sorry about me not critiquing at all. Everytime I try, I can't find what to say!

Anyways:

Unnamed Poem 2

In a town full of robots,
Covered in the smell of smoke,
the taste of depression,
I curl up and weep.

My legs are twitching,
my skin is freezing,
nobody stops.
I can only hope.

But one day, I'll grow wings,
fly off into the sun.
You know where you'll be when the world is ending.

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

"Unnamed Poem 2"


The tone in this is perfect. I read through in awe everytime.

Though... the world ending by robots destroying it. That is the newest cliche. It's an overdone concept. But I like what you did with it here. You're emphasis wasn't on that so much that you elaborated on it, you just mentioned it. Which I like.

Smell of smoke/taste of depression - Good alliteration with smell//smoke and the appealing part to the senses (freezing skin).

My only concern is "nobody stops." I wonder... who would stop? It sounds like the world has allready been taken over by robots.

The last stanza. Is. so pretty. Is growing wings a cliche? Maybe. But I like it. I like how "You" is referred to no one in the poem.

 

[Aruun]

Another poem I wrote quite a while ago... and it's not as good as my Moonlight poem, just so you know ^^; Ah well. Just trying to use an analogy I came up with a little bit ago.
***
Snowflake


Crunching beneath my feet
Shivers up my spine
So cold
And yet so beautiful

Sky's frozen tears
The snow
It is falling
Clinging to my pale skin
I wish it would let go
Mind's too numb to fight it
Chilling my own thoughts

Sparkling above my head
Blinding my dead eyes
Too cold
And yet so beautiful

Sky's frozen tears
Myself
I am falling
Clinging to your pale skin
I wish I would let go
I don't want to taste your blood again
***
I know it's lame, I just wanted it critiqued. Thanks in advance ^^;

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

*Snowflake*

Whoa! Lame? You're kidding me. This is great.

First off, I love the imagery. All you see in this poem is white white white. It's great. You see snow, snowflakes. And then, bam, pale skin. Then there is "blinding" which makes you think of something bright or very white. (then you see blood at the end) Great continuity. Nice contrast in the stanzas where it says "Too (or so) cold / and yet so beautiful."

The ending came out of no where, which is why I like this so much. I kind of expected the poem to keep going in the direction it was, but then you allude to a person. And that just changes the whole meaning. Drastic changes aren't really drastic. You were just building up the whole time. This is good writing here.

"Frozen" might refer to the fact that the speaker is "stuck" on someone and can't let go.

Personally I might have phrased the last stanza differently. I'm not sure where blood comes from. But it's cool because white is so pure and perfect, and then you mention something red. Red is notorious for staining things. Actually it's the hardest color to get out of anything. And we all know that white is the easiest color to stain.

I praise you for the concept and the valiant effort for expressing it. It wasn't the perfect poem, but I can see (by example of this poem) that you are becoming a good writing. Keep writing man, I hope this topic has helped you.

(as you guys can see if your poem excites me I will tend to look into it more and write more - perhaps incentive to put more thought into your poems that you guys submit)

 

[Maruiniq]

poem

I've decided since this topic is so kool, i'm putting my 200th post in here!
okay, this is another short one. And i like the word gold, so i put it in again. heh, so tell me what you think!

Golds first

As night comes to day,
golds first comes to play.

you can’t look at it,
but it always looks at you

It can’t be touched,
but touchs you.

It has no limits,
but can not go far.

It’s faster then life,
but slower then death.

It always starts,
and will always end.

-sushi

tell me what you think.
YAY! My 200th post!

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

*Golds first*
[Gold's First?]

Is this about Light, or the Sun? If not, then I'm clueless of this meaning. I like the contrast in each couplet. Though, the first one lacks contrast but has rhyme. Did you start off rhyming and then change?

The life/death couplet is boarderline cliche. I think the lines are well written, and clever too. But it's lacking something. There's not much tone, not much emotion. It's a descriptive poem, but that doesn't mean it has to lack what appeals to all readers: emotion.

Emotion is poetry. Pretty words aren't enough sometime. Keep writing though.

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

Okay. So have you ever heard of Jones Soda? They have fortunes under their caps. And here is a picture of a bottle I got. They have different pictures on each bottle. Anyways I guess I related a drink to myself. (I couldn't get a good picture of the cap - and the picture of the bottle is still blurry.)

Photograph of inspiration:

"Lady Luck"

Ripples fizzle in a newly
opened Root Beer. Soon half gone,
and soon half full.

Under the cap I’m told,
“Lady Luck will soon visit you.”
Well, I’m still waiting.

So, I drown myself
in another twelve fluid ounce.

On the wrapper,
an old man sits by himself smoking,
still waiting.

-----------------
A friend wanted me to submit this to see what you'd say El Nino. I still wrote it, but he was interested to see what you could dig out of it. Thanks.

 

[El Nino]

Critique

A/N: I've been told that I have a tendency to read more into a piece of work than what is actually "on the page." Sometimes I read a writer's intention for a piece and carry it through, even though that intention isn't fully developed in the writing. Other times I simply misread the intent and make a work something that it's not. So I'll try not to overextend my reading here.

Bazooka Lucca - "Lady Luck"

There's something intriguing about this poem. It's atmospheric, and it offers momentary observations that wouldn't normally be interesting, but they are presented with an air of mystery. The meaning is implicit, not blunt and explicit, and the tone works well with it.

The first line invokes the sound of fizzing soda and the look of bubbles rising to the surface of a drink. "Newly opened" stands out, and anyone who has opened a can of soda will immediately know the sound it makes. The description of the man on the label is an effective way of giving a visual on the bottle as well as on the narrator. It seems apparent that the man on the label is meant to parallel the narrator (they are both waiting), and this is a good way of providing a description of the narrator without bringing in details about the surroundings or anything that would distract from the focus. The focus remains the bottle, and the writing manages to both describe the bottle itself and use it as a mirror for the individual interacting with it.

Waiting seems to be the theme. Luck is a "lady" who is expected to "visit." So the man on the label smokes a cigarette, the narrator drinks, and these are both activities that people do while waiting, to pass the time without appearing idle. Like a man drinking at a bar while he waits for a woman. Then it makes me wonder about the significance of the lines: "Soon half gone,/and soon half full." Since the bottle is the source that predicts the arrival of Lady Luck, then could it be that the power of the prediction is limited to the amount of drink? A beverage only has the ability to affect a person while it is being consumed. So when the drink runs out, does its power also run out? Does its prediction fall short then, if the Lady doesn't show up before the bottle is empty? Luck is never fair. It can work for you at the moment and then turn its back on a dime. So Luck as a lady is one who operates on whim. She may or may not keep an appointment; she feels no obligation to even the most devoted (how long has the smoking man been waiting?).

Similarly, the man on the label, once he finishes the cigarette, has the choice of lighting another one or leaving. How long until he runs out? But he's a picture, so he will never finish, and she will never arrive (for him).

I think it's interesting that the poem is about root beer instead of alcohol. It would be too easy to write something like this for alcohol; beer can make you feel lucky, as long as you keep drinking. But regular soda is unexpected. So it comes across as surprisingly playful (bubbly) and hopeful (maybe luck is on my side today) for an inanimate object. I read this as a characterization of Lady Luck--hopeful but unreliable.

One thing I'd suggest is changing one of the "still waiting" phrases. "Still" doesn't have much meaning when there's been no previous mention to "waiting" for either the narrator or the man on the label (though it works better for the latter than the former). If you want to add more to this piece, I'd suggest adding to the third stanza. I'm undecided on how well "drown" works in describing the situation. It's not just submergence; it suggests going under so completely that resurfacing may not be possible, like intoxication. If it is like intoxication, then that would be interesting. If I were to add anything, I would add something about how the act of drinking feels, tastes, etc.

This comes across with mood, atmosphere, and possibly what could be called an existentialist or impressionist quality. Keeping it minimal was a good idea, though I think it wouldn't hurt if the reader could feel more of what the narrator feels (3rd stanza, sensory), what it's like to "drown" in the hope that a bottlecap predication might come true. The premise alone though, peaks my interest and keeps it.

 

[El Nino]

Critique

Luigitoilet - "Unnamed Poem 2"

Surreal, haunting, apocalyptic. And open to interpretation, without being too general. It could be science fiction--the destruction of humankind by the machine, as indicated by the first line, a town occupied by robots, and the last line, the end of the world. Or, "robots" could be people. A thriving city can still smell like smoke and taste of depression. These things don't necessarily have to indicate destruction. Maybe "nobody stops" suggests that there are people who might stop (they haven't been killed off by robots, because maybe they are the robots), and maybe they don't stop because they've become automatic in their movement, like machines. Sort of like how on a busy city street, pedestrian traffic keeps pushing forward, and no one stops for anything or anyone. Not even for someone who may be physically curled up on the sidewalk. Maybe the only thing that has been destroyed is that single human being.

I might be misreading it completely, but that's what I think when I read it. I lean towards the second interpretation because of the line "nobody stops" on the guess that if the town is full with robots, then there are no people who would stop for the narrator. But since the narrator comments on this, it seems to suggest that there are people, but they keep moving, as opposed to "no one is left," which would suggest that robots have taken over and killed everyone. And also the line, "one day I'll grow wings," suggests to me that there is still a future, time for the narrator to wait for wings to fly away, as opposed to imminent threat of destruction, in which "I want wings to fly" would make more sense. But either way, the meaning, I think, is the same. Mourning a loss of humanity; despair and alienation (feeling like the last human on earth? regardless of whether the "robots" are machines or people); longing for escape, leaving the dying world behind, or maybe just hope for the individual strength to rise and help oneself out of a desperate situation.

The last line is beautiful. It caught me off guard with the shift from "I" to "you," but it seems to work. I kind of look at it and want the second half to be its own line though. If I could suggest anything, it would be, what if you were to end the last line, 2nd stanza, with elipses, and switch "but" in the 1st line, 3rd stanza, with "that." The transition isn't bad as is; I guess I just don't like "but" because it suggests a contrast between "I can only hope" and "one day, I'll grow wings" that isn't explained. Unless it was something like, "Today I can only hope" followed by "But one day, I'll grow wings." Or "I can only hope" followed by "Maybe one day I'll grow wings," or something. It depends on what you want to say here. It just confuses me as to what the contrast is.

I know I b*tch at little details, but no good work goes unpunished. I like this for concept, tone, and the emotional shift from depression to hope, even if "robots" and "growing wings" are overused. I can see in this poem how, at the end of everything, it can be easy to hope rather than to despair. It is actually hard to imagine the death of all we know in the face of an imminent threat; the mind protests, believes that it must live. And so it is easier to imagine death and destruction when all is peaceful and secure; it is less real, so the mind handles it from a safe distance.

I'm talking too much. Nice job, good writing and imagination.

 

[Crotchfire]

Confrontation

Observe bewildering dichotomy,
See that therein lay quantities unknown:
Facades mislead the unaware to be
Misled, believing I am fully shown.
The level first entirely then revealed
Shows laughs and smiles, shows no blood, is not deep.
A shallow cut on skin of soul concealed
Brings forth no secrets guarded in my sleep.
Of course, there is a face that’s rarely seen
A side not allied with the side of light,
An aspect very thin, as wolves are lean.
An endless depth the hue of sky at night.
My truth has nothing left of false to slay,
Been both the black and white, now shades of gray.

 

[Venom Dream]

Go to the link in my sign - there is a link to the poetry page on the right hand side, you may have to scroll down a bit.
Eather critique 'Too Human' or 'Something More' - I don't care which.
And take your time, I'm not in any hurry for a responce, and I know there are a post before me you still have to do.

 

[Crono]

Crono's a poet...

I've got two poems. The only two poems to this date that I've ever written voluntarily. I'm going to be writing a lot more poetry nowadays, though. Anyway, here they are.

I wrote this one on a whim ... wow, 2 years ago. It's not that good, but here it is anyway.

Emotic Powder
The snow, still pure from its heavenly descent
Glows a soft white, which instills in me
Feelings of joy and wonder
That could otherwise only be brought on
By the eternal beauty
That exists in your heart.

The second one... it's basically a summation of something that happened to me last night.

A Frozen Fling
And there we lay,
The Painters emanating from the speakers.

The moon gleams, peering,
Vigilant of our fateful mistake.

The sweet taste, the smooth feel,
Too dangerous for us to press on.

The lake in the rear view: the final reminder
That what once flourished
Has now frozen and shattered.


EditEDIT: I just now wrote another poem. It's about sledding... the "spiraling" has double meaning: referring both to the snowflakes and to my own body. Because I flew off of a ramp and landed on my back in the snow, and then rolled over and stuck my face in it. My spine didn't break, but that's just for effect... or something.

The Chortling Snow
The flakes meander through the sky.
Spiraling
Spiraling
Spiraling
Downward.
A face full of white and a broken spine, and
The snow laughs.

 

[SAU Saga]

I know we're suppose to wait for other's poems to get critiqued before we post another one, but Crono's has been here since the 1st and I'm just going to go ahead and post mine too.

Anything I post in this thread will be song lyrics I have written. I a singer in a band so I just want to see how you guys like what I write. This one is my most recent called "Mostly Harmless"

It isn't laid out into verse/chorus form because it hasn't been set into a song yet. Anyways, here it is.

Mostly Harmless

Mostly harmless…
I breath to die,
Exhale to lie
Not so forgiving anymore…

I know it’s all right here…
I bite down hard to feel
My skin ripped from me
I guess this is what’s it like…

Let me explain my mind,
Emptied to empty a bottle…
Let me show you this place…
Let me show you this face…

This inverted hand --
Covers my shame…
Holds my pain…
This converted man --
The only one slain…
Smashes my brain…

Blind and shackled…
My flashing sword
Breaks on twisted rope…
Ropes upon chains upon sight…

 

[El Nino]

Critique

A/N: I'll do this one at a time. Don't know what happened to the other three critiquers.

Crotchfire - "Confrontation"

Nice wordplay here. Interesting use of rhyme also, especially in the way the sentences contort themselves. Sophisticated structuring and phrasing. Subject deals with depth of perception, what lies beneath the superficial, and the path to greater truths. Many different symbols, metaphors used to describe various aspects of the facade in contrast to the reality. Some of the lines read very well, smoothly but twisted in an intriguing way.

Suggestions: The sentence structure is more complicated than it has to be. It's good sometimes, but don't overdo it. The imagery varies, which is good, but it's too much and too sporadic. It mentions blood, skin, facial expression, night, wolves, something slayed, sleep, etc. I like some of these ("as wolves are lean"; "nothing left of false to slay") but the consistency could be improved. Which one of these metaphors represents the lie? If it is a smile or a surface cut on skin, how is it "slayed"? It's okay if you want to use all of these metaphors, but take the time to develop them, follow them through to the end. Return to a constant image/object. This would improve its effectiveness.

 

[El Nino]

Critique

A/N: Venom Dream, I copied and pasted your poem here so I could refer to it. If you'd rather not have it here, PM me and I will remove it.
-----

Venom Dream - "Something More"

We look to the sky, wondering what is there,
So we build, and we see star, planets, more.
But we don’t see what we want; we look deeper,
So we build, and send men to the moon, machines to Mars,
And we still don’t have enough…
What are we really looking for?
Giant balls of gas and rocks floating in space?
Or something bigger, more important?
-----

An accurate, imaginative perspective on the human condition, what makes this species strive toward the stars, and what we hope to find out there. The sequencing works, starting with curiousity shown in the first line, to descriptions of the endeavors to reach space, and once there, the question of what we are doing there in the first place returns. I liked the repetition of the phrase, "So we build," and also the use of the word "more" as an ambiguious entity.

Suggestions: The overall feeling behind this piece could be further developed. The sentiment is there, but as it is, it reads a little flat, more like commentary than poetry. Imagery used is good, such as "Giant balls of gas and rocks floating in space?" and "men to the moon, machines to Mars" - I like the parallel between men and machines, the idea that we are the things we build. You could use more of this, but also expand on what you want it to mean. If space is just gas and floating rocks, is it worth it? How much time and energy is spent on missions to space versus the effort put into ending the wars going on around the world? What does it mean for a species to reach out into space when it hasn't settled its own conflicts on Earth?

Also, just as a suggestion, I'd change the last line from: "Or something bigger, more important?" to "Or something bigger, something more?" (just to work in the title, I guess).

I liked the ideas behind this. It'd be interesting to see those ideas developed further.

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

Re: Critique

Originally posted by El Nino
Don't know what happened to the other three critiquers.

Sorry, I get bouts of apathy towards replying in this topic.

 

[Incrediblorian]

first id like to apoloigze for not critiqueing in a long time...for some reason i just stopped....but i will try and start doing it again, i just kinda felt like my critique were too infereior to the other ones ive seen that someone would almost be dissappointed to get my critique, but since you guys are wondering where we all went, well her i am again, lol....but i just have a poem this time.....

ok this poem is untitled....and i personally do not like this poem for some reason, im dont know why...but tell me what you think

*title N/A*

A path through the wavering heat
With a canteen full of faith
To escape my inevitable defeat

You pull me from this whole
With every thing you stole
From me, you pull me from this sleep
Even when my hole is 6 ft deep

Cars drive past
With colors waving a friendly hi
They say hello and goodbye
Way to fast

In the passengers side
As the trees zip by
Green flashes of prayers
Are passed with a sigh
Rain drops racing to die
Rolling over themselves
Quickening their demise
My salt-less tears
Going nowhere but back
At 65 miles per hour
On a car window racetrack

Since I am the who, when you call ‘who’s there?’
I am the silenced echo reaching your ear
Long strides through space
Kicking up dirt, revealing another pretty face

Everywhere my body goes
My mind is sure to follow
Every word in every talk
Paves my life its very own sidewalk

And As the sidewalk winds
The wind blows the leaves behind
In one second of mine
It’s one leaf’s time to shine

Cause every second is precious
As are the leaves we waste them on
Let me be one of your leaves
And I’ll make your seconds last a life time


just tell me what you think and maybe i can find out what i dont like about it myself, lol...thanks

 

[CerbKirby]

Hmm, this place seems to have died, mayhap. Well, as maybe a few of you might have noticed, I've started up writing poetry again, and I've been looking at many poems lately and started to write more seriously, but not so generalized with annoying emotions, like sadness or that. Well, I'll let you decide that in showing these next two poems. They're rather short, shorter than my past ones, but probably better I think.

Intimate Irises

As I stare into the mirror, I'm stricken with shock
My appearance has changed, I am no longer what I was.
What used to fill emptiness with navy blue hues,
Is a color of what represents open emptiness, again.

I noticed no change, but it was there for sure
passion mishapen, the soul taking new forms.

It was not just a color, but a part of myself
As their colors were changing, I too, changed with them.

Ceaseless Torment

Whenever you touch me
All I can feel,
Is that double-edged blade
Poking at me,
Yet tearing me apart.

--

Well, tell me what you think. I am really anxious to see if I've notably improved or not.

 

[El Nino]

Critique - Crono

Originally posted by Bazooka Lucca
Sorry, I get bouts of apathy towards replying in this topic.

I'm like that too.

Incrediblorian - I've seen you do a fairly detailed line-by-line critique. It helps writers to have their work reviewed by people with different views and knowledge, so it would be good to diversify the responses here. We're all amateurs anyway.

------------------------------
Crono - "A Frozen Fling"
------------------------------
I think this is the best out of the three. Just enough detail to suggest the situation without going into excess. The 2nd stanza establishes time of day (night), and the last stanza tells the setting, all without being blatant. We know it's dark, in a car, parked in an isolated area with a lake in view. The mood is set in the first stanza, and subtle details emerge as to the subject of the poem. It's very implicit: "The sweet taste, the smooth feel,/Too dangerous for us to press on." It handles the feelings of the moment very well using few words. Also, the frozen lake becomes a sharp visual impression that symbolizes the significance of what has happened. Even though the narration takes place afterwards and the details are solely focused on the moment, we kind of can guess what happened prior.

Suggestions: Watch grammar. Common mistake in first stanza. "There we lay," should be "There we lie." If anything, you can expand on some of the details, tell more about the situation. What is it that shatters? There is much implied, and I can guess the meaning, but adding greater detail would help the understanding of it so that the reader doesn't have to guess. What you have right now is a good foundation to build on.

"Emotic Powder" - Nice writing. But the sentencing and phrasing seems more like prose writing than poetry. It says exactly what it means, which kind of negates the purpose of poetry. It also doesn't help that it resembles a greeting card.

"The Chortling Snow" - Vivid, simplistic, set in the very moment it happens. Be careful with word choice though. "Meandering" may not be the best word to describe snowfall. Rivers meander, but snow drifts. Also, curious about the "broken spine," since snow is soft...

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

Another poem with some winter themes, but for valentine's day. I'd be interested to see what you say about this.

Frozen Roseflake

Whatever was in the air
that night,
froze and fell
over our grave revisited
while red hues
sullenly sunk with the sun
like a dozen roses hanging
from a dormant apple tree
on Valentine's Day.

 

[El Nino]

A/N: I'm trying, I'm trying.... (Critique - Sage_HW)

Originally posted by Sage_HW
I know we're suppose to wait for other's poems to get critiqued before we post another one, but Crono's has been here since the 1st and I'm just going to go ahead and post mine too.

Patience is a virtue.

Critique: Sage_HW - "Mostly Harmless"

I can see how this would work as song lyrics. It does kind of lash out, throwing emotions into the face of the audience without being coy or remorseful about it. It's not a bad thing by any means. Punk lyrics are like that too. But it does seem to rely on something else that is missing, most likely the accompanying music. Anyway, I'll try to comment based on the poetic aspects alone.

I like the title, and how it enters into the first stanza: "Mostly harmless…/I breath to die,/Exhale to lie/Not so forgiving anymore…" (grammar: breath-->breathe; "..." and "--" not necessary at the end of lines). So we know that "mostly harmless" refers to the narrator. Nice structured phrasing. It flows well. Stanzas 2 and 5, I think show the most poetic value. The imagery is vivid, even if the meaning is vague: biting down, ripping skin, swords breaking on ropes. But the stanzas between (3-4) don't offer much in terms of content. It says, "Let me explain my mind," but then explains nothing. There's mention of pain and shame, emptiness, but then, what is the shame? What is the pain? All of it suggests deeper meaning than what is actually offered, and it's hard to follow because the connections between these elements are difficult to place.

Suggestions: Changing stanzas 3-4 may make it more effective. You start off elegantly and end it strong, but the middle has trouble carrying it through. I'd like to see a stronger connection between the "mostly harmless" theme and the imagery of "blind and shackled" in the last stanza. I think if you work with imagery/metaphors that help develop one constant, underlying theme, this poem will have a greater impact. Hope this helps you somewhat.

End note: Apologies for the long wait. I try to give conscientious reviews, and it takes me a while.

 

[El Nino]

Critique - Incrediblorian

Incrediblorian - "untitled"

You show a very strong handling of the language here, and a steadfast hold to rhyme. Some of the imagery is impressive, especially in the way it's told. Like, "Rain drops racing to die/Rolling over themselves/Quickening their demise." The world passing by a car window becomes like a metaphor for the passage of time. Words paving the sidewalk of a person's life is an interesting way to bring this to light.

I think what would help this piece is revision. Try to cut down on unnecessary words and lines, and try to be as concise as possible. For instance, the first stanza would work just as well if it were: "Through the wavering heat/With a canteen of faith/To escape inevitable defeat..." The word 'through' implies a 'path'. Also, the third stanza mentions a car ride, but the fourth stanza implies it just as well: "In the passengers side/As the trees zip by.../My salt-less tears/Going nowhere but back/At 65 miles per hour/On a car window racetrack." It's already apparent that the perspective comes from a passenger looking out the window of a car, so the third stanza isn't necessary. I don't see it adding anything much to the piece. Because you are particularly strong with language use, it's probably more tempting to add in lines of prose that are excessive.

Even though you adhere strongly to the rhyme, I would cut the lines that are only there to make the rhyme work. Particularly if they don't add something to the whole. I would cut it down to the minimum of what has to be said in order for the meaning to come through and work with that to fit the rhyming scheme. The ambiguous and arbitrary "you" is also problematic, unless ambiguity is part of the poem, but I don't see anything that would suggest that.

Obviously, I don't have all the answers. The most helpful thing to you would most likely be to read more poetry. Some of the elements introduced in this piece are really insightful and well told. Cleaning up the prose may bring those parts out more.

 

[Haha Monkey]

Hmmm Zook you've already these I think, so don't feel like you need to reply.
8p
_________________________________________

Special Friend

The one who,
quietly,
while you slumber,
talks to the moon,
asks her to glow a little brighter,
just for you.

The one who,
softly,
while you're gone,
whispers to the wind,
bids him to hold his temper today,
just for you.

The one who,
longingly,
while you're apart,
thinks of you,
wishes safety and contentment,
just for you.

The one who,
wistfully,
while you're resting,
watches you,
eyes and smile unwavering,
just for you.

The one who,
joyfully,
while they're dreaming,
clings to you,
would gladly die,
just for you.

Morning, slowly waking,
you leave your dreaming.
Eyes closed, fresh thoughts of the one who knows you best,
flutter round your mind.
Lids lifting, creeping open,
the images fade,
true sight replacing them.
What do you see?
Were they just a dream?
Or are they right beside you now,
wide awake,
staring,
smiling...
________________________________________

Stubborn Self Pity

In deepest darkest space,
lies a small and lonely planet,
in who's oldest coldest land,
lies a crying crumbling city,
where in the dullest dampest corner,
sits the saddest poorest man,
in whom a bruised and battered heart
dreams of the joy it once knew.

Because he's falling, he dreams of flying,
he has thoughts of smiling, when in truth he's crying,
imagining living, when really he's dying,
long ago this man ceased trying.

But the saddest part of the sad man's tale,
is that his bruised and battered heart
is what is making him fail.
If he would only stand up,
from that corner where he hides,
he'd see the saddest poorest girl,
who feels just like him inside.

Together they sit there alone.

Get up.

_____________________________________________

Angel Baby

The painful joy as an angel arrives
mingles with the grief of another's passing.
The greatest gift is given and taken at once.
New blood pours forth,
some warming a fragile heart,
but some cooling and blackening on the floor.
Tiny crystals open and shine brightly for their first time,
while dim diamonds flicker and fade in a weary finale.
Full price is paid for a new beginning,
and some relief is found in a tiny wailing.

Across the hall another cry sounds,
but the small voice here is silent.
Comprehension hasn't yet met the woman
forced to carry the heavy burden
lying limply and lightly in her arms.
She doesn't want to let go
of this piece of her,
she doesn't know why
this beginning had an end before her own.

Viewed from above, two tiny angels
weave towards the earth.
One passes calmly to his goal,
the other struggles with forces unseen.
He looks on in sadness,
unable to join his friend.
It was not for either of them to know a mother in life,
but slowly a caring figure rises from below,
takes his hand, and together, mother and son,
they wend their way heavenwards.

_______________________________________________

Thanks in advance for thoughts and advice.
8/

 

[El Nino]

So alone. (Critique - CerbKirby)

Originally posted by CerbKirby
Hmm, this place seems to have died, mayhap.

Uh, I guess. Or I'm just really slow.

Critique - CerbKirby
"Intimate Irises" and "Ceaseless Torment"

The better of two is "Ceaseless Torment," I think. It shows careful choice of wording and stronger imagery. For instance, comparing someone's touch to a "double-edge blade" seems to suggest something intense. Double-edge almost always means or implies deception, two faces of the same coin. Only thing I'd suggest with this involves the last two lines: "Poking at me,/Yet tearing me apart." Poking seems a little odd given the context. Yet implies opposites, so poking and tearing are suggested as actions with opposing meaning (I guess one is more playful and harmless while the other is destructive), but that effect doesn't entirely come through. If anything, I'd recommend exaggerating the duality of opposites here, such as: "caressing yet tearing me apart," or even adding an adjective: "playfully poking yet tearing me apart." Or something like that, just to bring out the point.

"Intimate Irises" would be better if it were a little less outright about its meaning. I think I understand the concept, and there's a lot that can be expressed by a narrator considering his own eyes in his reflection. But I'd suggest experimenting more with style and the way you explain the situation. For instance, there are ways of expressing sentiments in the first two lines that would have a greater impact on the reader. As it is now, it states things in a way that would be fine in regular prose, but it's less effective as poetry. "As I stare into the mirror, I'm stricken with shock/My appearance has changed, I am no longer what I was," would actually be fine to read in an essay or short story format, but the poetic quality is lacking. Do more with the metaphors here; make your words count for more. For instance, you don't need to place the narrator in front of the mirror so obviously. If it starts off simply saying that I am staring at my eyes staring back at myself, the reader can already guess the mirror and what the narrator is doing, etc., and you can focus on more important aspects of the poem.

Actually, I think this is an improvement over your earlier writing. It's good that you've been looking at other poems to help your own work. I hope you keep writing.

A/N: Eh. Um. I'll try to comment on the last two submissions (Zook and Haha Monkey) by the end of the day. Sorry for lagging.

 

[El Nino]

Critique - Bazooka Lucca and Haha Monkey

A/N: Hi. Anyone still here? Or am I just talking to the padded walls?

Critique - Bazooka Lucca
"Frozen Roseflake"

I really liked what you've done here. The title itself is creative, even for being simplistic. It subtly switches a common convention, and so takes the reader by surprise. I had to read it over again to make sure my eyes weren't fooling me. Roses and snowflakes are common symbols of beauty, but the obvious contrast in characteristics is that of one beauty which is warm and another which is cold. One is passionate and embracing, while the other refuses to be touched, the kind you can only admire from a distance.

The opening line has a way of pulling you in, and the rest leaves you to fend for yourself as you stumble on to a curious little ending. It's a nice effect. The final image of the dozen roses hanging leaves a lasting impression. And the way you wrote in a "dormant" apple tree is very fitting. There's also some nice work with the color red (roses, sun, apple tree) against a dark background (night, frozen). The play on contrasting themes continues until the end: "sullen" red hues, hanging roses. A metaphor for frozen passion or unrequited love? I'm not sure, but it's interesting and it makes me think.

One line confused me: "over our grave revis(i)ted." Just had a hard time understanding this in relation to the rest. Maybe because of the wording. "Our grave" as in something shared between two or more people that has died; "revisited" suggests a return, in this case to something that no longer exists. It implies a lot with very few words, possibly too much to hit the reader with at once in a single line. Maybe take more time with this? Just a couple more words, or another line at most.

I'd be more inclined to buy Valentine's Day cards if they had stuff like this written on the inside.

Critique - Haha Monkey
"Stubborn Self Pity"

Alliteration is the most prominent stylistic quality here. The effect has the narration leading the reader by the hand throughout the work. Very interesting, since I haven't seen much of this style of late. Tone is almost childlike, but wisely innocent (like an older voice addressing a younger audience). That the content seems to deal with harsh subject matter makes this ironic.

The flow holds up rather well with a significant degree of charm: "In deepest darkest space,.../in who's oldest coldest land,/lies a crying crumbling city,/where in the dullest dampest corner,/sits the saddest poorest man..." With a voice like the narrator of a children's tale, it comes off with an almost eerie, haunting quality.

Because I relate it to a children's tale, I expect some sort of a moral, which does come through near the end: "the saddest part of the sad man's tale,/is that his bruised and battered heart/is what is making him fail." If the sad man had a name, I'd guess it would be the poem's title, "Stubborn Self Pity." Stubborn Self Pity is too busy feeling sorry for himself that he doesn't realize the possibility for companionship, and he doesn't realize that he is the cause of all his problems. "If he would only stand up."

One suggestion I have regards the last line. "Get up," seems misplaced. It implies that the poem's narrator is speaking to the sad man, but throughout the poem, the narrator's voice seems to be addressing a third party audience. I can see that such a disruptive last line would have shock value, but it doesn't seem to shock the reader in a way that helps the poem. I would be interested to see a stronger lead in to this last line, another stanza that maintains the narrator's voice up until the end. I would not forget the presence of the third party audience, and I would maintain their presence until the end. Something to the extent of saying that 'together the man and girl sit alone, and there will be no end to their suffering until they find the key to living: Get up.' These last two words could work very well in this poem, but I'd vote for a stronger lead in.

"Special Friend" and "Angel Baby" - Very nice prose, narrative voice. Strong command of poetic flow; again, that haunting, near-innocent tone of voice. You show good work with wording and tone. Much of these poems read like "storybook" lyrics. If anything though, I'd encourage you to experiment more with the content, find new angles and perspectives to deal with some of these themes.

------------------
Endnote to all: How's my driving? Critique your critiquer (quick, before this topic dies). PM me with your questions, complaints and whining (if you care that much). If not, that's cool. Have a nice day.

 

[Bazooka Lucca]

Yeah... well "revisited" was supposed to be the word. I'll edit my post to correct that.

I meant grave as in a monument. A place where our love had come to an end. Though it wasn't really a grave. It's just a place I went to and felt dead inside. Because at one time I had felt so alive there. It sounds like a grave to me. This was based on a true story of myself during this valentine's day when I revisited a 'special place' I had once shared with someone else. The sunset was so beautiful - it was brilliant red with celstial clouds. Though... still sad.

I actually went out and for my photography project found an apple tree orchard and hung a dozen red roses on them. I'll have some prints of this soon (black and white) that I can post.

Thanks for the critique - I'm thinking of opening this topic up for a "public critique." It takes us too long, and I never do it anymore. So basically it's just you. You're critiques are perfect - providing insight and good advice for all readres. So I think letting this go public would hurt that quality. But people have complained to me that it's too slow and they want a critique. So if you think it's okay (El Nino) then I say let's go with it. We can still critique the poems we feel like critiquing this way.

That's all I have for now. Thank-you kindly for the critique, I appreciate your insight.