Ah. I see. That makes sense.
I'd be interested in seeing them.
Sure. That's fine with me. Things will go faster that way.
-
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Official Poetry Critique Topic- Now Public to anyone!
- Thread starter Bazooka Lucca
- Start date
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2000
- Messages
- 5,649
Okay, from here on this topic is officially open for anyone to critique. This will get things going much faster and people will be more inclined to check the topic. Post away 
Please no one line critiques! No one cares for "Oh that was good" type of replies. Give honest feedback and don't feel afraid to get too opinionated.
El Nino - I'd appreciate your insight on this one if you have time. You might find it interesting. I wish I wasn't so lazy and would revise my stuff. Anyways thanks ahead of time.
"Out of Joint"
As we spread laughter in the room,
you placed your hands over mine.
You cracked my knuckles
and smiled.
It hurt,
the first several
snaps.
Repetition touched my
routine of placing
arthritis between
finger joints.
Two years to that time
my unconscious daily habits
idlely worship your
playful intentions of pressing
your hands over mine.
Please no one line critiques! No one cares for "Oh that was good" type of replies. Give honest feedback and don't feel afraid to get too opinionated.
El Nino - I'd appreciate your insight on this one if you have time. You might find it interesting. I wish I wasn't so lazy and would revise my stuff. Anyways thanks ahead of time.
"Out of Joint"
As we spread laughter in the room,
you placed your hands over mine.
You cracked my knuckles
and smiled.
It hurt,
the first several
snaps.
Repetition touched my
routine of placing
arthritis between
finger joints.
Two years to that time
my unconscious daily habits
idlely worship your
playful intentions of pressing
your hands over mine.
pikamon
Smash Ace
Here are a few poems that I wrote....
Who Am I?
I can see all the darkness that seems to trouble you.
I can hear your thoughts, the ones you wont let thru.
I can feel your breath as it grows louder and softer,
while all the world sleeps alone and together.
I can see everything, everyone and all.
The earth itself retains my awe.
I control life and death and everything after;
all beasts and twigs, all forms of matter.
I came to you once, a long time ago
When you were still young, yet I was so old.
I gave to you then, my greatest of dreams.
I came unto you, like a soft, gentle stream.
Those times are gone, at least for you.
My eyes are forever; I see all things true.
And I shall return again; expect it soon.
This time will be different, I shall be a typhoon.
Another one....
Untitled
Crimson moon and blackest day.
This one task to you I say:
Take in you–the dark and gloom,
To rid this world of all who choose;
Death and hate must be their way.
My crimson moon, my blackest day.
Despite what it sounds like, I'm not depressed
I wrote the small one for a fic I was writing.
Thanks to whoever critiques these
Who Am I?
I can see all the darkness that seems to trouble you.
I can hear your thoughts, the ones you wont let thru.
I can feel your breath as it grows louder and softer,
while all the world sleeps alone and together.
I can see everything, everyone and all.
The earth itself retains my awe.
I control life and death and everything after;
all beasts and twigs, all forms of matter.
I came to you once, a long time ago
When you were still young, yet I was so old.
I gave to you then, my greatest of dreams.
I came unto you, like a soft, gentle stream.
Those times are gone, at least for you.
My eyes are forever; I see all things true.
And I shall return again; expect it soon.
This time will be different, I shall be a typhoon.
Another one....
Untitled
Crimson moon and blackest day.
This one task to you I say:
Take in you–the dark and gloom,
To rid this world of all who choose;
Death and hate must be their way.
My crimson moon, my blackest day.
Despite what it sounds like, I'm not depressed
I wrote the small one for a fic I was writing.
Thanks to whoever critiques these
I'd critique your poem, Zook, but you're much deeper, and El Nino is more qualified than I.
pikamon - "Who Am I?"
Just one minor thing I found in your poem is your spelling and grammar. You may want to consider revising the word "thru" to "through". Maybe some of your semi-colons could be fixed, though I may be mistaken. Not big things, just some nitpicks.
Anyway, the content. I can definitely see this poem is really deep, like it's not something someone would understand by reading it once. I commend you on your figurative language and imagery.
First two stanzas are perfectly portrayed, as you are able to reach beyond the barrier and do the impossible. The only thing I'd consider is dropping the second stanza and putting something different in its place (see below for more details). It's not to say it doesn't fit in with the title, but names can be misleading and a much deeper story seems to reach into this poem than what's in this stanza. Otherwise, it's a really good stanza.
One thing I noticed, even though this is talking about you (judging by the title), the second stanza seems to not fit in with a bigger subject. I can see the deeper part of this is in the last two stanzas. In the last line in the third stanza, I would consider changing "unto" to "into", mainly because it makes more sense when a stream runs into something.
In the last stanza, the word "typhoon" implies that instead of being gentle and soft, you'll be returning reckless and destructive. One thing I see that seems missing is why you'd become a typhoon. Did the person do something to you, or not care? That's the part you need to include, or have some line stating you were hurt, or something of that matter.
Something else in the same stanza I'd suggest is changing "And I shall return again; expect it soon." to something not so suttle, such as "And I shall return back, soon you shall expect". Having the phrase "return again" is sort of contradictory, since it implies that that you're returning for the 2nd+ time.
Overall, good poem. As I said, it's very deep and portrays a good spirit and mind. It's creative, original, and well written. Just the things you may need to change are the grammar, sensibility, and what content you're mixing together.
pikamon - "Untitled"
Man, this is clever. I can't say as much about this as your other poem, mainly because it's shorter, but there's nothing really to fix. I'm guessing this is for a story of a hero to get rid of people believing in death and hate? I see this as an optional addition, but instead of a semi-colon after "choose", you could add the word "that" to either the end of the fourth line, or beginning of the fifth line. Nice portrayal of having the first line almost as the last line, though.
-----------------------------------------------------------
You've definitely got some nice writings here, pikamon. Much better than when I first started here. Keep up the writing, and it will take you farther and deeper.
pikamon - "Who Am I?"
Just one minor thing I found in your poem is your spelling and grammar. You may want to consider revising the word "thru" to "through". Maybe some of your semi-colons could be fixed, though I may be mistaken. Not big things, just some nitpicks.
Anyway, the content. I can definitely see this poem is really deep, like it's not something someone would understand by reading it once. I commend you on your figurative language and imagery.
First two stanzas are perfectly portrayed, as you are able to reach beyond the barrier and do the impossible. The only thing I'd consider is dropping the second stanza and putting something different in its place (see below for more details). It's not to say it doesn't fit in with the title, but names can be misleading and a much deeper story seems to reach into this poem than what's in this stanza. Otherwise, it's a really good stanza.
One thing I noticed, even though this is talking about you (judging by the title), the second stanza seems to not fit in with a bigger subject. I can see the deeper part of this is in the last two stanzas. In the last line in the third stanza, I would consider changing "unto" to "into", mainly because it makes more sense when a stream runs into something.
In the last stanza, the word "typhoon" implies that instead of being gentle and soft, you'll be returning reckless and destructive. One thing I see that seems missing is why you'd become a typhoon. Did the person do something to you, or not care? That's the part you need to include, or have some line stating you were hurt, or something of that matter.
Something else in the same stanza I'd suggest is changing "And I shall return again; expect it soon." to something not so suttle, such as "And I shall return back, soon you shall expect". Having the phrase "return again" is sort of contradictory, since it implies that that you're returning for the 2nd+ time.
Overall, good poem. As I said, it's very deep and portrays a good spirit and mind. It's creative, original, and well written. Just the things you may need to change are the grammar, sensibility, and what content you're mixing together.
pikamon - "Untitled"
Man, this is clever. I can't say as much about this as your other poem, mainly because it's shorter, but there's nothing really to fix. I'm guessing this is for a story of a hero to get rid of people believing in death and hate? I see this as an optional addition, but instead of a semi-colon after "choose", you could add the word "that" to either the end of the fourth line, or beginning of the fifth line. Nice portrayal of having the first line almost as the last line, though.
-----------------------------------------------------------
You've definitely got some nice writings here, pikamon. Much better than when I first started here. Keep up the writing, and it will take you farther and deeper.
pikamon
Smash Ace
Awsome critiquing (sp?), it really helps.
I was going to wait before posting another poem but since no one has posted anything for over a day now, I figured it would be ok.
Have You Ever
Have you ever been to the Cinian Falls or the country of Belizia?
Have you ever seen the oasis Marr when the moon comes out to visit?
Have you ever stared out into the distant sea, reflecting on your life?
Have you ever seen an old man walking, right next to his old wife?
Have you ever gone to the great halls and looked at its rare arts?
Have you ever been to the ice filled mountain and searched deep within its heart?
Have you ever been alone at night and thought the world asunder?
Have you ever sat and watched the rain fall or listened to its thunder?
Have you ever thought about such thing as I have done before?
And wondered what it was, that you were living for?
Within my life, I’ve seen great things, yet nothing still compares
To sharing such a life with you, an answer to a prayer.
My thoughts, my heart, my open mind, I give it all to you,
And with no regret or doubt I’ll stay, and share my soul with you.
that was my attempt at a love poem and it was written before the other two (a few months before). It sways a bit from my normal writing, in that it isn't very dark or anything.
I was going to wait before posting another poem but since no one has posted anything for over a day now, I figured it would be ok.
Have You Ever
Have you ever been to the Cinian Falls or the country of Belizia?
Have you ever seen the oasis Marr when the moon comes out to visit?
Have you ever stared out into the distant sea, reflecting on your life?
Have you ever seen an old man walking, right next to his old wife?
Have you ever gone to the great halls and looked at its rare arts?
Have you ever been to the ice filled mountain and searched deep within its heart?
Have you ever been alone at night and thought the world asunder?
Have you ever sat and watched the rain fall or listened to its thunder?
Have you ever thought about such thing as I have done before?
And wondered what it was, that you were living for?
Within my life, I’ve seen great things, yet nothing still compares
To sharing such a life with you, an answer to a prayer.
My thoughts, my heart, my open mind, I give it all to you,
And with no regret or doubt I’ll stay, and share my soul with you.
that was my attempt at a love poem and it was written before the other two (a few months before). It sways a bit from my normal writing, in that it isn't very dark or anything.
Critique - Bazooka Lucca
Bazooka Lucca
"Out of Joint"
I really liked the concept behind this one. It's original, a little strange, and unconventional. The off-center focus works really well too. I liked how the situation is played out in the first two stanzas, particularly the lines: "You placed your hands over mine./You cracked my knuckles/and smiled." It's a slightly offbeat sequence: someone reaches for someone else's hand, cracks the knuckles, then smiles. Not exactly what one would expect. Reaching for someone's hand is like requesting permission to enter into their personal space; then cracking their knuckles for them is like taking a risky and bold step further. The interpretation of this and the poem itself can be somewhat impressionist (possibly necessarily so). It's a nice effect.
Second stanza is also nice. Simple, effective, and gives sympathy pains. The ending has impact, handled with sufficient emotional distance to give or imply meaning to the entire poem.
For revision, I'd suggest reworking some of the lines for clarity. I'm not sure how well the first line works to set up the rest of the poem. It introduces setting in a way that draws attention to the "room," which later disappears. I don't think the setting is all that important. The first line could be made more immediate (example: as we laughed together, you placed your hands over mine). Also, some wording/phrasing could be changed in third and fourth stanza to make things less jumbled to the reader. Although I really liked "routine of placing/arthritis between/finger joints," the line "repetition touched my routine" seems a little confusing and unclear. Similarly, in the last stanza, I liked how the narrator has picked up this habit in memory of someone, but I'd question the choice of the phrase "intentions of placing your hands over mine." If I'm reading this correctly, I think of should be in.
Again, you show how to convey meaning with few words. The poem is simple and concise, but it hints at complicated emotions. An interesting perspective on something ordinary, with a voice I'm starting to recognize, seeming to come from a place between offbeat realism and romanticism, with a tone that carries emotional distance but attaches deeper feelings. Existentialist writing, I think.
Bazooka Lucca
"Out of Joint"
I really liked the concept behind this one. It's original, a little strange, and unconventional. The off-center focus works really well too. I liked how the situation is played out in the first two stanzas, particularly the lines: "You placed your hands over mine./You cracked my knuckles/and smiled." It's a slightly offbeat sequence: someone reaches for someone else's hand, cracks the knuckles, then smiles. Not exactly what one would expect. Reaching for someone's hand is like requesting permission to enter into their personal space; then cracking their knuckles for them is like taking a risky and bold step further. The interpretation of this and the poem itself can be somewhat impressionist (possibly necessarily so). It's a nice effect.
Second stanza is also nice. Simple, effective, and gives sympathy pains. The ending has impact, handled with sufficient emotional distance to give or imply meaning to the entire poem.
For revision, I'd suggest reworking some of the lines for clarity. I'm not sure how well the first line works to set up the rest of the poem. It introduces setting in a way that draws attention to the "room," which later disappears. I don't think the setting is all that important. The first line could be made more immediate (example: as we laughed together, you placed your hands over mine). Also, some wording/phrasing could be changed in third and fourth stanza to make things less jumbled to the reader. Although I really liked "routine of placing/arthritis between/finger joints," the line "repetition touched my routine" seems a little confusing and unclear. Similarly, in the last stanza, I liked how the narrator has picked up this habit in memory of someone, but I'd question the choice of the phrase "intentions of placing your hands over mine." If I'm reading this correctly, I think of should be in.
Again, you show how to convey meaning with few words. The poem is simple and concise, but it hints at complicated emotions. An interesting perspective on something ordinary, with a voice I'm starting to recognize, seeming to come from a place between offbeat realism and romanticism, with a tone that carries emotional distance but attaches deeper feelings. Existentialist writing, I think.
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2000
- Messages
- 5,649
"Intentions in placing" should be the correct form. That was my grammatical fault.
"Repitition touched my routine" simply means I cracked my knuckles so much in the way she had taught me that it became habitual.
The setting was non-important. But since I started with a physical setting it seemed to have come across as more important. But I don't know why I started it like that. I just had to start somehow and I was recalling the actual experience. Laughter in this big room is how I had imagined it. Most my poetry is based on experience. Existentialism seems to fit my work in description well.
Thank-you again. You never fail to provide me with insight. Let's rewrite Lyrical Ballads together and become the next Coleridge and Wordsworth. I wish there was more emphasis on poetry these days. We could start a poetic revolution. *Thinking out loud*
-------------------------------
This one seems unpopular on my DA site... So I'll put it here to see if our english scholar, El Nino, can understand it. I'm thinking of putting definitions of half the words in the description. Anyways I think you could enjoy this one once you understand the context of it. In my description I said something like "I'm been feeling tied down." *shrugs*
Optical Anxiety
A string tied to each finger,
everytime our eyes intersected,
but tenaciously tied tight.
Itinerant intentions intermit on
twine inventions like the day
gravity became too strong
for birds to fly.
"Repitition touched my routine" simply means I cracked my knuckles so much in the way she had taught me that it became habitual.
The setting was non-important. But since I started with a physical setting it seemed to have come across as more important. But I don't know why I started it like that. I just had to start somehow and I was recalling the actual experience. Laughter in this big room is how I had imagined it. Most my poetry is based on experience. Existentialism seems to fit my work in description well.
Thank-you again. You never fail to provide me with insight. Let's rewrite Lyrical Ballads together and become the next Coleridge and Wordsworth. I wish there was more emphasis on poetry these days. We could start a poetic revolution. *Thinking out loud*
-------------------------------
This one seems unpopular on my DA site... So I'll put it here to see if our english scholar, El Nino, can understand it. I'm thinking of putting definitions of half the words in the description. Anyways I think you could enjoy this one once you understand the context of it. In my description I said something like "I'm been feeling tied down." *shrugs*
Optical Anxiety
A string tied to each finger,
everytime our eyes intersected,
but tenaciously tied tight.
Itinerant intentions intermit on
twine inventions like the day
gravity became too strong
for birds to fly.
Wilted
I'm dancing on
The wilted bodies
Laughing
I'm swimming by
The drowned corpses
Smiling
But as I dance to the music
Of their silent heartbeat
When empty eyes open
My pride is wilting
I'm dancing on
The wilted bodies
Laughing
I'm swimming by
The drowned corpses
Smiling
But as I dance to the music
Of their silent heartbeat
When empty eyes open
My pride is wilting
Yeah, I'm majorly bad at critiquing, I noticed. I just can't do it!
Anyways
Speciation
The world is swirling, the world is swirling.
Aching at every step,
why doesn't anyone notice
that I'm a stumbling shipwreck?
My steps are heavy,
I can't feel my face.
Are you the only one
that isn't an alien to me?
Two and two, tied together.
We wouldn't do any good,
like a three-foot race.
We'd be a hopping, laughing disaster.
And suddenly.
The world explodes,
and I'm shot off sky high.
Out of the biosphere.
Out of all eyesight,
I'm gasping in stardust,
and you're still talking to me.
Taking me through this.
And then I can breathe.
I can move.
The world is gone.
But I have the universe.
Anyways
Speciation
The world is swirling, the world is swirling.
Aching at every step,
why doesn't anyone notice
that I'm a stumbling shipwreck?
My steps are heavy,
I can't feel my face.
Are you the only one
that isn't an alien to me?
Two and two, tied together.
We wouldn't do any good,
like a three-foot race.
We'd be a hopping, laughing disaster.
And suddenly.
The world explodes,
and I'm shot off sky high.
Out of the biosphere.
Out of all eyesight,
I'm gasping in stardust,
and you're still talking to me.
Taking me through this.
And then I can breathe.
I can move.
The world is gone.
But I have the universe.
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2000
- Messages
- 5,649
JediMasterYoda98 -
*Wilted*
Wow at first I wasn't sure what to think. But as I reread it this definitely has a deeper meaning to it. The first stanza opens it up nicely with the steady rhythm and apathetic atmosphere. I especially like "I'm swimming/smiling." The alliteration brings it together. I think some punctuation would have helped this out... as you can see there is none.
Dancing to the music of their heartbeat is maybe not cliche, but it's not very original either. However - it works for this poem. It fits in.
The poem leaves me a couple questions. Why is the narrarator dancing/swimming and laughing/smiling? Why are the people... dead? Their heartbeat is silent. So it cannot be heard. Dead people don't have heartbeats. Almost like you're dancing to a beat that doesn't exist. The poem is kind of vague. I see a person dancing around a bunch of dead people.
The meaning.... I'm not sure. I think since you used the word "wilted" a couple times you should have compared it to a flower of somesort. Some additional imagery that is used as a similie could have worked well. But that's where I would have gone with it. I'll have to let this poem sit in my mind before I can put a meaning behind it. Anyways not bad, I liked it.
*Wilted*
Wow at first I wasn't sure what to think. But as I reread it this definitely has a deeper meaning to it. The first stanza opens it up nicely with the steady rhythm and apathetic atmosphere. I especially like "I'm swimming/smiling." The alliteration brings it together. I think some punctuation would have helped this out... as you can see there is none.
Dancing to the music of their heartbeat is maybe not cliche, but it's not very original either. However - it works for this poem. It fits in.
The poem leaves me a couple questions. Why is the narrarator dancing/swimming and laughing/smiling? Why are the people... dead? Their heartbeat is silent. So it cannot be heard. Dead people don't have heartbeats. Almost like you're dancing to a beat that doesn't exist. The poem is kind of vague. I see a person dancing around a bunch of dead people.
The meaning.... I'm not sure. I think since you used the word "wilted" a couple times you should have compared it to a flower of somesort. Some additional imagery that is used as a similie could have worked well. But that's where I would have gone with it. I'll have to let this poem sit in my mind before I can put a meaning behind it. Anyways not bad, I liked it.
I've been a major Teen Titans fanatic lately, and for some reason I got inspiriation to start writing poems about the characters.
I only have two so far, and they're not all that great, but...
This first one is written in Haiku format (as far as I understand) and is about the character Raven.
Inside-Out
I'm feeling so cold.
Loneliness entangles me.
How can I stop this?
This feeling is old.
Day after day it plagues me;
It eats bit by bit.
Feelings lay hidden
Within the realms of my mind.
Can I let them out?
Feelings that have been
So lost that I cannot find
them; I'm feeling doubt.
At me they all gape,
For I'm so silent and odd.
They think I'm so strange.
How can I escape?
Can is stop this sad facade?
Perhaps I can change...
I'll leave my cacoon,
Spread my wings and find a way
To free my inside.
I must do this soon,
For if I don't, then someday
My heart may have died.
***
I also tried to write it in a ABC ABC style, too.
Anyway, there's that. I have another one written, too, but I'll post that later.
I only have two so far, and they're not all that great, but...
This first one is written in Haiku format (as far as I understand
) and is about the character Raven.Inside-Out
I'm feeling so cold.
Loneliness entangles me.
How can I stop this?
This feeling is old.
Day after day it plagues me;
It eats bit by bit.
Feelings lay hidden
Within the realms of my mind.
Can I let them out?
Feelings that have been
So lost that I cannot find
them; I'm feeling doubt.
At me they all gape,
For I'm so silent and odd.
They think I'm so strange.
How can I escape?
Can is stop this sad facade?
Perhaps I can change...
I'll leave my cacoon,
Spread my wings and find a way
To free my inside.
I must do this soon,
For if I don't, then someday
My heart may have died.
***
I also tried to write it in a ABC ABC style, too.
Anyway, there's that. I have another one written, too, but I'll post that later.
Critique - pikamon
pikamon
"Have you ever?"
Strong points - Very vibrant and exotic imagery. You mention highly imaginative and romantic settings that invoke grandeur and timelessness: "Have you ever seen the oasis Marr when the moon comes out to visit?" Nice, expressive line; pretty prose.
Weak points - Repetition of "have you ever" adds little to the poem. A couple lines of repetition would be fine, but starting off every line in stanzas 1-2 with it becomes tedious and unnecessary.
Suggestions - Do more with the settings you have mentioned: Cinian Falls, oasis Marr, great halls, ice filled mountains. It's a good start but it can be expanded on. Let us see more of these places. Try to work in better flow between lines, better connectivity between the different subjects you bring up. Searching the heart of the ice filled mountain in stanza 2 seems like a symbol for love, for seeking someone's core of emotions beneath a cold surface. If it is, then it's a good idea, but it can be brought out more. Be more specific with things like the "great halls" (which great halls, where?); embellish more on these aspects, or else it becomes bland. I also have a little problem with the line: "Have you ever seen an old man walking, right next to his wife?" The symbolism of love actually works well, and it leaves an impression because it's an ordinary sight following mentions of very exotic places. But still, there's not enough of that contrast, and it kind of tends to invoke an "uh yeah, all the time," type of reaction. Maybe it would have a stronger impact if you placed the old man and his wife in a place that we can see, or expanded on the context of two people spending their lives together until their old age. (Like: Have you ever stared out at the distant sea alone, reflecting on your life,/And saw an old,old man walking by its shore, arm-in-arm with his old, old wife?)
A wild, romantic imagination and nice, eloquent prose. There's untapped potential in this, as the themes and descriptions could be expanded much more than what is already here.
pikamon
"Have you ever?"
Strong points - Very vibrant and exotic imagery. You mention highly imaginative and romantic settings that invoke grandeur and timelessness: "Have you ever seen the oasis Marr when the moon comes out to visit?" Nice, expressive line; pretty prose.
Weak points - Repetition of "have you ever" adds little to the poem. A couple lines of repetition would be fine, but starting off every line in stanzas 1-2 with it becomes tedious and unnecessary.
Suggestions - Do more with the settings you have mentioned: Cinian Falls, oasis Marr, great halls, ice filled mountains. It's a good start but it can be expanded on. Let us see more of these places. Try to work in better flow between lines, better connectivity between the different subjects you bring up. Searching the heart of the ice filled mountain in stanza 2 seems like a symbol for love, for seeking someone's core of emotions beneath a cold surface. If it is, then it's a good idea, but it can be brought out more. Be more specific with things like the "great halls" (which great halls, where?); embellish more on these aspects, or else it becomes bland. I also have a little problem with the line: "Have you ever seen an old man walking, right next to his wife?" The symbolism of love actually works well, and it leaves an impression because it's an ordinary sight following mentions of very exotic places. But still, there's not enough of that contrast, and it kind of tends to invoke an "uh yeah, all the time," type of reaction. Maybe it would have a stronger impact if you placed the old man and his wife in a place that we can see, or expanded on the context of two people spending their lives together until their old age. (Like: Have you ever stared out at the distant sea alone, reflecting on your life,/And saw an old,old man walking by its shore, arm-in-arm with his old, old wife?)
A wild, romantic imagination and nice, eloquent prose. There's untapped potential in this, as the themes and descriptions could be expanded much more than what is already here.
Critique - Bazooka Lucca
-------------------------------
Bazooka Lucca
"Optical Anxiety"
I liked the last couple of lines best of all: "...Like the day/gravity became too strong/for birds to fly." Original, unexpected, and also very effective in conveying what it means. It gives an intense metaphor for feelings of something trapped and longing to flee. It's evidently not the same as someone running into a barrier; the forces that hold back those seeking escape are like gravity, unseen and unquestionably powerful. The image of the string provides a strong visual on an otherwise invisible force. It's not a cage than prevents escape; it's like the earth being greedy and clinging madly to its inhabitants, whether they want to be there or not. "Optical anxiety" is a clever way of putting it, referencing the second line of the first stanza, "everytime our eyes intersected." Anxiety could be then, the name of the invisible force. The image of the bird--struggling to fly, but unable to overcome, crashing to earth--comes to mind as a personification of this "anxiety." It fits. Anxiety incites an immediately "fight or flight" response; the bird may choose to flee, but that attractive force pulls it back, inescapable. I also liked "twine inventions" to describe the entrapment by strings.
Suggestions - The first line is probably more misleading than it has to be. "Tied" can be either a verb or an adjective. Maybe replace it with another word or phrase (like "wound around" or "a string caught each finger"), or switch it to present tense to make it more clear: A string ties to each finger,/everytime our eyes intersect,/but tenaciously tie tight. Maybe you could also further distinguish "each finger" as "my fingers," respective to the "our" mentioned in "our eyes."
"Itinerant intentions intermit" is complicatedly eloquent, but it sacrifices flow; the sound of the words in sequence can be a little grating. Of course, I can't really tell because each time I reread it, it flows more smoothly. But my first impression was that it's somewhat harsh on the ears. It's oddly fun to say though.
Grammatically, I would remove the commas in the first stanza (don't think they're necessary, and they add jolting pauses that seem more disruptive than helpful); in the second line of last stanza, I would add a comma between "inventions" and "like."
This is another strong piece of writing. Revision may help clarity.
-------------------------
Now I see with eye serene
The very pulse of the machine.
- Wordsworth
My ego has now been inflated to near fatal proportions... Let me pick up a dehabilitating opium habit and we'll be all set to go.
-------------------------------
Bazooka Lucca
"Optical Anxiety"
I liked the last couple of lines best of all: "...Like the day/gravity became too strong/for birds to fly." Original, unexpected, and also very effective in conveying what it means. It gives an intense metaphor for feelings of something trapped and longing to flee. It's evidently not the same as someone running into a barrier; the forces that hold back those seeking escape are like gravity, unseen and unquestionably powerful. The image of the string provides a strong visual on an otherwise invisible force. It's not a cage than prevents escape; it's like the earth being greedy and clinging madly to its inhabitants, whether they want to be there or not. "Optical anxiety" is a clever way of putting it, referencing the second line of the first stanza, "everytime our eyes intersected." Anxiety could be then, the name of the invisible force. The image of the bird--struggling to fly, but unable to overcome, crashing to earth--comes to mind as a personification of this "anxiety." It fits. Anxiety incites an immediately "fight or flight" response; the bird may choose to flee, but that attractive force pulls it back, inescapable. I also liked "twine inventions" to describe the entrapment by strings.
Suggestions - The first line is probably more misleading than it has to be. "Tied" can be either a verb or an adjective. Maybe replace it with another word or phrase (like "wound around" or "a string caught each finger"), or switch it to present tense to make it more clear: A string ties to each finger,/everytime our eyes intersect,/but tenaciously tie tight. Maybe you could also further distinguish "each finger" as "my fingers," respective to the "our" mentioned in "our eyes."
"Itinerant intentions intermit" is complicatedly eloquent, but it sacrifices flow; the sound of the words in sequence can be a little grating. Of course, I can't really tell because each time I reread it, it flows more smoothly. But my first impression was that it's somewhat harsh on the ears. It's oddly fun to say though.
Grammatically, I would remove the commas in the first stanza (don't think they're necessary, and they add jolting pauses that seem more disruptive than helpful); in the second line of last stanza, I would add a comma between "inventions" and "like."
This is another strong piece of writing. Revision may help clarity.
-------------------------
Now I see with eye serene
The very pulse of the machine.
- Wordsworth
pikamon
Smash Ace
Here's another poem that I wrote about 20 minutes ago. Thanks in advance to whoever critiques it
The Forgotten Voice
The sunset breaks, the sweet moon wonders;
The heart is dead, bring on the thunder.
It screams to me now, like a siren in mourning;
The wind is quiet, such is the warning.
Its radiant beauty shines through the dark,
Life fades from my sight, our love is apart.
Come back to me now, so far from here
Are treasures once had, now remains fear.
The voice is dead, I hear it not.
Where is the light that once was sought.
Where is the one that once came around,
I’ve forgotten your voice, I’ve missed the sound.
The Forgotten Voice
The sunset breaks, the sweet moon wonders;
The heart is dead, bring on the thunder.
It screams to me now, like a siren in mourning;
The wind is quiet, such is the warning.
Its radiant beauty shines through the dark,
Life fades from my sight, our love is apart.
Come back to me now, so far from here
Are treasures once had, now remains fear.
The voice is dead, I hear it not.
Where is the light that once was sought.
Where is the one that once came around,
I’ve forgotten your voice, I’ve missed the sound.
Critique - Luigitoilet
"Speciation"
The title itself makes for a nice metaphor; vague but challenging. I liked the lines: "I'm a stumbling shipwreck," and in the end, "The world is gone./But I have the universe." I'm reading connected symbolism between "alien," "biosphere," speciation," "stardust." Is the subject about alienation? Speciation, biologically, is the creation of a new species, a divergence in evolutionary lines. The new species becomes isolated from its ancestor; it can only reproduce with members of the new species.
Isolation comes to mind when I read: "Are you the only one/that isn't an alien to me?" When a group is isolated from the larger world, its members can only rely on each other for company: "Two and two, tied together." But the narrator has doubts that they willlast, even if they help each other: "We wouldn't do any good,/like a three-foot race./We'd be a hopping, laughing disaster." (Biologists would say, "an evolutionary dead-end.")
The isolation can be of any form. Speciation is symbolism. Maybe two people, unable to fit in with the world, find each other, but the narrator doubts that this new partnership will work.
It may be that I'm reading too much into it, or that I'm misreading the intent. It would help then to be less vague and give the reader something more concrete to hold on to. A vague meaning open to interpretation is fine, but what I mean by "concrete" is a solid image or concept that conveys an idea. I liked the use of the act of walking: "Aching at every step," "stumbling," "three-foot race," "hopping." Then the narration jumps to the exploding world, to floating out in space. I think it would help if I knew more of what I was seeing. Maybe give us something more to get a grip on this. You could take more time with the walking, stumbling, reaching to someone for balance. And work in the explosion to this context. Are they running from something? Trying to clear the explosion area? Does the explosion catch up to them because they can't run quickly enough, even working together?
Theme is complicated, intelligent. Use of language, voice, wording is all good quality, eloquent. It flows well. There's depth also, but the vagueness lessens the impact on the reader.
"Speciation"
The title itself makes for a nice metaphor; vague but challenging. I liked the lines: "I'm a stumbling shipwreck," and in the end, "The world is gone./But I have the universe." I'm reading connected symbolism between "alien," "biosphere," speciation," "stardust." Is the subject about alienation? Speciation, biologically, is the creation of a new species, a divergence in evolutionary lines. The new species becomes isolated from its ancestor; it can only reproduce with members of the new species.
Isolation comes to mind when I read: "Are you the only one/that isn't an alien to me?" When a group is isolated from the larger world, its members can only rely on each other for company: "Two and two, tied together." But the narrator has doubts that they willlast, even if they help each other: "We wouldn't do any good,/like a three-foot race./We'd be a hopping, laughing disaster." (Biologists would say, "an evolutionary dead-end.")
The isolation can be of any form. Speciation is symbolism. Maybe two people, unable to fit in with the world, find each other, but the narrator doubts that this new partnership will work.
It may be that I'm reading too much into it, or that I'm misreading the intent. It would help then to be less vague and give the reader something more concrete to hold on to. A vague meaning open to interpretation is fine, but what I mean by "concrete" is a solid image or concept that conveys an idea. I liked the use of the act of walking: "Aching at every step," "stumbling," "three-foot race," "hopping." Then the narration jumps to the exploding world, to floating out in space. I think it would help if I knew more of what I was seeing. Maybe give us something more to get a grip on this. You could take more time with the walking, stumbling, reaching to someone for balance. And work in the explosion to this context. Are they running from something? Trying to clear the explosion area? Does the explosion catch up to them because they can't run quickly enough, even working together?
Theme is complicated, intelligent. Use of language, voice, wording is all good quality, eloquent. It flows well. There's depth also, but the vagueness lessens the impact on the reader.
Maruiniq
Smash Ace
Don't Leave
Well, here's my poem. I don't know if its good, but i hope it is. Thanks for who ever comments on it
Don't Leave
Don’t say its the end of the road,
don’t say you have to go,
don’t say you can not stay,
don’t leave me now.
I needed you before,
I need you later,
I need you now,
babe, don’t leave me now.
Do you even have a reason?
Is it really that good?
Does it have to be this complicated?
Why can’t it just be us?
Please, don’t leave me now.
We’re so **** close,
I felt your heart in mine,
but when I saw your bags,
I felt your touch slipping,
don’t leave me now.
If you have to go,
then don’t ever return,
i will not go through this,
this separation,
this frustration,
this ending relation,
I can not do this again.
Don’t leave me now...
well, there mine is, i know i know. Its a crappy piece of work...
Well, here's my poem. I don't know if its good, but i hope it is. Thanks for who ever comments on it
Don't Leave
Don’t say its the end of the road,
don’t say you have to go,
don’t say you can not stay,
don’t leave me now.
I needed you before,
I need you later,
I need you now,
babe, don’t leave me now.
Do you even have a reason?
Is it really that good?
Does it have to be this complicated?
Why can’t it just be us?
Please, don’t leave me now.
We’re so **** close,
I felt your heart in mine,
but when I saw your bags,
I felt your touch slipping,
don’t leave me now.
If you have to go,
then don’t ever return,
i will not go through this,
this separation,
this frustration,
this ending relation,
I can not do this again.
Don’t leave me now...
well, there mine is, i know i know. Its a crappy piece of work...
Maruiniq
Smash Ace
Really? it would make a good song? cool! i'm a song writer now... anyway, here's another poem i wrote:
The Thin Ice
As you skate on the thin ice of modern life,
you’re having a great time, the time of your life!
But when you see that,
that breaking,
that aching,
that crack in the ice,
all the love, happieness, and fun,
just falls apart.
As you fall,
you feel the scare,
the scare of the world, the real world of life!
You fall and all the hapieness, just flashes before you!
You try to grab it, but its just too far,
and you’re already, an inch,
before the the coldness of the water,
the real life.
As you touch the water,
you feel the sarrow, the pain, and you can’t even see,
the happieness, the love, and anything good!
Instead you see, darkness and frightening sights!
The freezing grasp of the water, takes over your body,
and you can’t feel anything, except the pain!
Your eyes become black,
your skin, blue,
your heart, purple,
and your mind, nothing but darkness.
The current has taken you, fully under the ice,
the ice of modern life.
The chances of coming back, are slim!
By only a chance, you have come back to the air,
take in the air, and never ignore it.
If you are out of the ice,
breath,
breath that free air.
Don’t be greedy,
just take what you got!
Or you might find yourself, under the ice,
the ice of modern life,
once again...
Its probably going to sound like a song too, because its based on a song.
EDIT: "The Thin Ice" is a song of Pink Floyds. I LOVE Pink Floyd, and i guess thats why maybe. Thank you for the comment.
The Thin Ice
As you skate on the thin ice of modern life,
you’re having a great time, the time of your life!
But when you see that,
that breaking,
that aching,
that crack in the ice,
all the love, happieness, and fun,
just falls apart.
As you fall,
you feel the scare,
the scare of the world, the real world of life!
You fall and all the hapieness, just flashes before you!
You try to grab it, but its just too far,
and you’re already, an inch,
before the the coldness of the water,
the real life.
As you touch the water,
you feel the sarrow, the pain, and you can’t even see,
the happieness, the love, and anything good!
Instead you see, darkness and frightening sights!
The freezing grasp of the water, takes over your body,
and you can’t feel anything, except the pain!
Your eyes become black,
your skin, blue,
your heart, purple,
and your mind, nothing but darkness.
The current has taken you, fully under the ice,
the ice of modern life.
The chances of coming back, are slim!
By only a chance, you have come back to the air,
take in the air, and never ignore it.
If you are out of the ice,
breath,
breath that free air.
Don’t be greedy,
just take what you got!
Or you might find yourself, under the ice,
the ice of modern life,
once again...
Its probably going to sound like a song too, because its based on a song.
EDIT: "The Thin Ice" is a song of Pink Floyds. I LOVE Pink Floyd, and i guess thats why maybe. Thank you for the comment.
Critique - Destiny Smasher, pikamon, Maruiniq
Destiny Smasher
"Inside-Out"
I liked stanza 7 for the imagery and metaphor. The voice behind this poem is interesting; it manages to sound emotionally distant like the character I think you are portraying. However, the haiku form is awkward for this type of writing. Haiku poetry was designed for nature poems and it fits the Japanese language better than English. It can work for other things, but it is difficult. So I'm wondering why you chose that particular form.
You have the tone of voice done well. I'd suggest writing in a slightly more abstract way (as in stanza 7), otherwise the poem states its feelings and ideas a little too blatantly, which is fine in other forms of writing except for poetry. Find new angles to work with ideas and express feelings.
pikamon
"The Forgotten Voice"
You handle the rhymn very well. The poem flows, and the lines have a catchy, charming quality. One suggestion I have is to work on consistency. The writing tends to jump from idea or metaphor to another without much connection. Light, dark, sound, thunder, wind, etc. are all interesting metaphors, but a little cliched. I'd encourage you to find new ground. Lines like: "The voice is dead, I hear it not," don't help much. But your first stanza starts it off with some nice imagery: "The sunset breaks, the sweet moon wonders;/The heart is dead, bring on the thunder./It screams to me now, like a siren in mourning."
Maruiniq
"Don't Leave" and "The Thin Ice"
The first one could be a song. I could almost hear it while reading it. But without music, it's missing impact. We don't really see the narrator's depth of feeling. Put to music and voice, it can express more emotion. But as is, it's lacking something.
For the second one, I like the phrase the "thin ice of modern life." It implies something significant. The use of ice as a recurring metaphor is good, but I have problems understanding the "you" that is being addressed. It seems at times that the narrator is addressing the reader, but I'm not sure if "you" is supposed to be an arbitrary person or someone specific.
Not quite sure what to say. Sounds like Pink Floyd. A lot. I hope to see more of your work.
Destiny Smasher
"Inside-Out"
I liked stanza 7 for the imagery and metaphor. The voice behind this poem is interesting; it manages to sound emotionally distant like the character I think you are portraying. However, the haiku form is awkward for this type of writing. Haiku poetry was designed for nature poems and it fits the Japanese language better than English. It can work for other things, but it is difficult. So I'm wondering why you chose that particular form.
You have the tone of voice done well. I'd suggest writing in a slightly more abstract way (as in stanza 7), otherwise the poem states its feelings and ideas a little too blatantly, which is fine in other forms of writing except for poetry. Find new angles to work with ideas and express feelings.
pikamon
"The Forgotten Voice"
You handle the rhymn very well. The poem flows, and the lines have a catchy, charming quality. One suggestion I have is to work on consistency. The writing tends to jump from idea or metaphor to another without much connection. Light, dark, sound, thunder, wind, etc. are all interesting metaphors, but a little cliched. I'd encourage you to find new ground. Lines like: "The voice is dead, I hear it not," don't help much. But your first stanza starts it off with some nice imagery: "The sunset breaks, the sweet moon wonders;/The heart is dead, bring on the thunder./It screams to me now, like a siren in mourning."
Maruiniq
"Don't Leave" and "The Thin Ice"
The first one could be a song. I could almost hear it while reading it. But without music, it's missing impact. We don't really see the narrator's depth of feeling. Put to music and voice, it can express more emotion. But as is, it's lacking something.
For the second one, I like the phrase the "thin ice of modern life." It implies something significant. The use of ice as a recurring metaphor is good, but I have problems understanding the "you" that is being addressed. It seems at times that the narrator is addressing the reader, but I'm not sure if "you" is supposed to be an arbitrary person or someone specific.
Not quite sure what to say. Sounds like Pink Floyd. A lot. I hope to see more of your work.
"The forgotten voice" was a very good poem, and very similar to my styles. I thought your rhyming scheme was clever and the use of natural senses like the lack of wind signals danger and stuff...well, i've written other songs in my own poor thread of little repy, so i suppose ill start again, here...but with a New Song i just made, i hope ya'll enjoy it, and though constructive critism is nice..its a song, not a poem...just a reminder.
Control
The sun turns away, I fall to my knees
The dark wants to play with the past I can't see...
Lost in a void, collapsed in a hole
Without any light, I have no shadow
Ignoring all the craters beat into my soul
From thoughts...of you-
Time wasted, How I've obsessed
Reflecting idle dreams, I just want to forget
I wasn't good enough then, to tell you how I felt
But now...time has-
Made me unsheath my tempered despise
Cutting through regrets from guilts I can't hide
Exposing to you the maelstrom of my mind
Just left...waiting-
The moon blocks my pride, I stand in contempt
Nothing abides; all thieved from reminiscence...
Chaos is my strategy to reciprocate your thoughts
I permit a self-tragedy, to take what you have sought
Sapped from all my competence, you disregard my plea
Distracted into pertinence, I learn thats how you feed
I'll spit my tears right at you, I refuse to be subdued
You've founded new emotions in me, but I can be myself without you
Control
The sun turns away, I fall to my knees
The dark wants to play with the past I can't see...
Lost in a void, collapsed in a hole
Without any light, I have no shadow
Ignoring all the craters beat into my soul
From thoughts...of you-
Time wasted, How I've obsessed
Reflecting idle dreams, I just want to forget
I wasn't good enough then, to tell you how I felt
But now...time has-
Made me unsheath my tempered despise
Cutting through regrets from guilts I can't hide
Exposing to you the maelstrom of my mind
Just left...waiting-
The moon blocks my pride, I stand in contempt
Nothing abides; all thieved from reminiscence...
Chaos is my strategy to reciprocate your thoughts
I permit a self-tragedy, to take what you have sought
Sapped from all my competence, you disregard my plea
Distracted into pertinence, I learn thats how you feed
I'll spit my tears right at you, I refuse to be subdued
You've founded new emotions in me, but I can be myself without you
Choronis
Smash Lord
Haiku:
Sushi is so good
Especially when its fresh
It just rocks my world
that honestly took me a grand total of 10 seconds. i was counting
Sushi is so good
Especially when its fresh
It just rocks my world
that honestly took me a grand total of 10 seconds. i was counting
Critique: meleemasterx, Choronis
meleemasterx - "Control"
The poem has some memorable lines. In certain places, it sounds nice and reads well.
I liked the lines:
"The sun turns away, I fall to my knees"
"Just left...waiting-"
"Chaos is my strategy to reciprocate your thoughts"
I'd suggest not being so outright in saying what you mean. I don't mean be abstract for the sake of it. Poetry often uses artistic forms of expression that view emotions and situations from odd angles, or finds different ways of expressing things than saying them outright. Find original metaphors and make them more central to the poem when you write. The old rule of show not tell can apply here. Use words to show us feelings rather than just tell them. You have a definitive voice, and this could work as slam poetry, but it may help you to focus more on artistic expression.
Choronis - haiku
Sushi is good. What else can I say?
meleemasterx - "Control"
The poem has some memorable lines. In certain places, it sounds nice and reads well.
I liked the lines:
"The sun turns away, I fall to my knees"
"Just left...waiting-"
"Chaos is my strategy to reciprocate your thoughts"
I'd suggest not being so outright in saying what you mean. I don't mean be abstract for the sake of it. Poetry often uses artistic forms of expression that view emotions and situations from odd angles, or finds different ways of expressing things than saying them outright. Find original metaphors and make them more central to the poem when you write. The old rule of show not tell can apply here. Use words to show us feelings rather than just tell them. You have a definitive voice, and this could work as slam poetry, but it may help you to focus more on artistic expression.
Choronis - haiku
Sushi is good. What else can I say?
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2000
- Messages
- 5,649
Anxious Atmosphere
I walked a mile
in my dreams slowly
like smoke inhaled.
Buzzed.
Do I dare to exhale?
And blow you out
giving smoke-wind
to a sailboat dodging stars.
A paper blown out a window
dodging cars.
A feather falling,
floating far.
I walked a mile
in my dreams slowly
like smoke inhaled.
Buzzed.
Do I dare to exhale?
And blow you out
giving smoke-wind
to a sailboat dodging stars.
A paper blown out a window
dodging cars.
A feather falling,
floating far.
Astral Cars
I sit in the parlor by the fire,
the midnight bell barks me out of the house.
I grab the keys,
a few drinks,
a bag of sandwhiches.
I start the car,
engine roaring.
Into the dark street,
into the city.
A few hours pass,
and I finally feel something.
Something big is going to happen.
The car shoots a spark, and I brace myself.
Onlookers look on in awe,
as the car catches flame.
The brightest of flames,
the warmest.
Going a million miles a second,
in a brilliant burst of light,
It blasts off into the sky,
leaving the citizens in shock.
The hour has finally come,
after years and years.
I'm one with everything.
I'm no longer nothing.
---
I got the title from 'Pyramid Song'. And is that how you spell sandwhiches?
I sit in the parlor by the fire,
the midnight bell barks me out of the house.
I grab the keys,
a few drinks,
a bag of sandwhiches.
I start the car,
engine roaring.
Into the dark street,
into the city.
A few hours pass,
and I finally feel something.
Something big is going to happen.
The car shoots a spark, and I brace myself.
Onlookers look on in awe,
as the car catches flame.
The brightest of flames,
the warmest.
Going a million miles a second,
in a brilliant burst of light,
It blasts off into the sky,
leaving the citizens in shock.
The hour has finally come,
after years and years.
I'm one with everything.
I'm no longer nothing.
---
I got the title from 'Pyramid Song'. And is that how you spell sandwhiches?
This poem has real significance to me. I wrote it just tonight in lieu of a situation in my life. There isn't really any symbolism... it's just pretty frank.
How Could You, How Could I?
How could you...
How could you do what you did?
Betraying my trust
Like it was nothing.
I told you a secret, and
You opened your mouth.
That girl is hurt, but
I can't blame you.
I'm the one who broke the pact--
I'm the betrayer of souls, not you.
I'm sorry, my girl...
I deserve your wrath.
Don't confide in me,
Lest I hurt you again.
Those few minutes of pleasure
Can't justify your tears.
How Could You, How Could I?
How could you...
How could you do what you did?
Betraying my trust
Like it was nothing.
I told you a secret, and
You opened your mouth.
That girl is hurt, but
I can't blame you.
I'm the one who broke the pact--
I'm the betrayer of souls, not you.
I'm sorry, my girl...
I deserve your wrath.
Don't confide in me,
Lest I hurt you again.
Those few minutes of pleasure
Can't justify your tears.
Zook - Anxious Atmosphere
Wow. I really enjoyed this. The imagery is wonderful, and at first the poem makes no sense. I love that. It makes you go back and want to read it again so you can understand it. You did a great job at timing the lines in an abstract yet rythemic pattern. I can't really say much more, because you're above my level of writing. I enjoyed it very much though, fantastic work ^^
Luigi Toilet - Astral Cars
This was odd at first. In a good way, though. At first I wasn't really sure what to think of it, but now that I've read it some more I'm enjoying it more and more. Nice imagery, you always have a way of putting things bluntly and yet... not. If that made any sense, lol. You do not use pretty words to make your poetry beautiful, because you don't need it. And your poems aren't depressing, like 90% of poems in this topic, which is always a nice break. Again, I don't have much to say, because you're above my writing level, but I did enjoy it. I like the feeling of someone who's just another someone realizing who they are and that they are someone. Very well done, keep up the good work ^^
Crono - How Could You, How Could I?
Nice, but there was no imagery at all. It gave you nothing to imagine, and really nothing to think about either. I mean you don't need to think... it's just all there in a nice little poem explaining everything. It had a nice rythem, but I think the overall feel was cliche. Now I realize you based this off of an event in your life, but for it to be a poem meant to be a poem, I think it needed to be more of a story or a journey. In poems you usually shouldn't be direct, and you should beat around the bush. Or at least, if it's direct, make the story or situation complicated. Now I'm not trying to sound like a naggy little kid with nothing better to do than bash your poem because it doesn't talk about blood and tears and other random crap, because that's not what I'm doing. I'm just saying it could of had more imagery and it could of been less to-the-point. I still like it though, nice job ^^
I wrote a new poem the other day. Hope you like it...
Cube
Cold metal presses against my cheek
My body flat against the steel
Spinning, Blurring, you throw the die
Of my six-sided life
Hoping my luck will last you long enough
I can't seem to let go of it
I'm like a magnet
Clinging to things that were only lies
Things I thought you could give me
Don't throw me again
Don't expect to win
Don't toss the dice
Don't make a sacrifice
Wow. I really enjoyed this. The imagery is wonderful, and at first the poem makes no sense. I love that. It makes you go back and want to read it again so you can understand it. You did a great job at timing the lines in an abstract yet rythemic pattern. I can't really say much more, because you're above my level of writing. I enjoyed it very much though, fantastic work ^^
Luigi Toilet - Astral Cars
This was odd at first. In a good way, though. At first I wasn't really sure what to think of it, but now that I've read it some more I'm enjoying it more and more. Nice imagery, you always have a way of putting things bluntly and yet... not. If that made any sense, lol. You do not use pretty words to make your poetry beautiful, because you don't need it. And your poems aren't depressing, like 90% of poems in this topic, which is always a nice break. Again, I don't have much to say, because you're above my writing level, but I did enjoy it. I like the feeling of someone who's just another someone realizing who they are and that they are someone. Very well done, keep up the good work ^^
Crono - How Could You, How Could I?
Nice, but there was no imagery at all. It gave you nothing to imagine, and really nothing to think about either. I mean you don't need to think... it's just all there in a nice little poem explaining everything. It had a nice rythem, but I think the overall feel was cliche. Now I realize you based this off of an event in your life, but for it to be a poem meant to be a poem, I think it needed to be more of a story or a journey. In poems you usually shouldn't be direct, and you should beat around the bush. Or at least, if it's direct, make the story or situation complicated. Now I'm not trying to sound like a naggy little kid with nothing better to do than bash your poem because it doesn't talk about blood and tears and other random crap, because that's not what I'm doing. I'm just saying it could of had more imagery and it could of been less to-the-point. I still like it though, nice job ^^
I wrote a new poem the other day. Hope you like it...
Cube
Cold metal presses against my cheek
My body flat against the steel
Spinning, Blurring, you throw the die
Of my six-sided life
Hoping my luck will last you long enough
I can't seem to let go of it
I'm like a magnet
Clinging to things that were only lies
Things I thought you could give me
Don't throw me again
Don't expect to win
Don't toss the dice
Don't make a sacrifice
Critique: Bazooka, Luigitoilet, Crono, JediMasterYoda98
Bazooka - "Anxious Atmosphere"
Dreamlike tone, nice pacing, and some very sharp imagery. It starts off with a roll, jolts, then continues, gliding with the image of a floating feather. It manages to convey motion that parallels the flow of words. Also, the images give visual impression to the atmosphere, what is normally invisible, brought out by the anxiety of whether to exhale or not, surrounded by things that portray a delicate air. This way, it manages to describe the anxiety of holding one's breath to keep a wind from moving sailboats, a piece of paper from flying out the window, and a feather from falling.
One thing I would like to know though is who is the "you" that is being referred to, and what is the significance?
Luigitoilet - "Astral Cars"
Curious, imaginative and unexpected. It works its way from an ordinary start to a fantastical finish. It seems as if everything leads up to that final line: "I'm one with everything./I'm no longer nothing." This parallels how the events in the poem build up gradually, all leading to the end. I at first read the explosion as the car simply catching on fire, rather than shooting off like a rocket. I'm not sure if the ambiguity is intentional. We don't know the exact fate of the narrator, who gets propelled from the known (the parlor and the fire at home) into the unknown (into space). Even with the uncertainty, this fate is apparently a welcomed change from the ordinary. It seems metaphorical for the "rapture of the depths," typically portrayed through diving down, but here it's nicely reversed to surging into the sky, almost like a representation of the desire to give up all that is known for a venture into the unknown. I really liked the last line.
One thing on grammar: "Onlookers look on in awe" is kind of redundant. It can be shortened: "Onlookers in awe." And it's actually "sandwiches"... I think.
Crono - "How Could You, How Could I?"
Very honest, direct. The tone carries the emotion, and it seems severely regretful, angry. It fits with the usage of second person, directing its words for a specific person referred to as "you"; it reads like dialogue. It's harsh and realistic. I hope I don't contradict myself when I say that a poem can be direct and honest without stating things too simply. And here you haven't resorted to anything too blatant, I think.
What I wonder though is why you chose to withhold information on what event actually triggered these feelings? It seems like an interesting story, and it seems important to understanding the poem. I think you would gain more if you at least hinted as to what happened.
JediMasterYoda98 - "Cube"
Vivid details, well-defined description. Life from the perspective of a die is brought out by the touch of metal in the beginning, to the view of things from the game board. I liked the phrase "six-sided life," and the line "I'm like a magnet/Clinging to things that were only lies." There's a moral to the story in there, I think, about risking too much on a gamble. It's as if the cube opposes being used as an instrument of destruction. It seems to resent its role in something it has no control over. I think you touched on something interesting here, but it could be taken further. You have room to develop the idea in deeper ways.
"Spinning, Blurring, you throw the dice" is an interesting line. "Sprinning, Blurring" refers to the person who is throwing the dice, when it is actually the dice that are spinning and blurring. But then I realized that from the die's perspective, it would appear that the person is the one who is spinning. Interesting. Also, note on grammar: dice is plural for die.
Bazooka - "Anxious Atmosphere"
Dreamlike tone, nice pacing, and some very sharp imagery. It starts off with a roll, jolts, then continues, gliding with the image of a floating feather. It manages to convey motion that parallels the flow of words. Also, the images give visual impression to the atmosphere, what is normally invisible, brought out by the anxiety of whether to exhale or not, surrounded by things that portray a delicate air. This way, it manages to describe the anxiety of holding one's breath to keep a wind from moving sailboats, a piece of paper from flying out the window, and a feather from falling.
One thing I would like to know though is who is the "you" that is being referred to, and what is the significance?
Luigitoilet - "Astral Cars"
Curious, imaginative and unexpected. It works its way from an ordinary start to a fantastical finish. It seems as if everything leads up to that final line: "I'm one with everything./I'm no longer nothing." This parallels how the events in the poem build up gradually, all leading to the end. I at first read the explosion as the car simply catching on fire, rather than shooting off like a rocket. I'm not sure if the ambiguity is intentional. We don't know the exact fate of the narrator, who gets propelled from the known (the parlor and the fire at home) into the unknown (into space). Even with the uncertainty, this fate is apparently a welcomed change from the ordinary. It seems metaphorical for the "rapture of the depths," typically portrayed through diving down, but here it's nicely reversed to surging into the sky, almost like a representation of the desire to give up all that is known for a venture into the unknown. I really liked the last line.
One thing on grammar: "Onlookers look on in awe" is kind of redundant. It can be shortened: "Onlookers in awe." And it's actually "sandwiches"... I think.
Crono - "How Could You, How Could I?"
Very honest, direct. The tone carries the emotion, and it seems severely regretful, angry. It fits with the usage of second person, directing its words for a specific person referred to as "you"; it reads like dialogue. It's harsh and realistic. I hope I don't contradict myself when I say that a poem can be direct and honest without stating things too simply. And here you haven't resorted to anything too blatant, I think.
What I wonder though is why you chose to withhold information on what event actually triggered these feelings? It seems like an interesting story, and it seems important to understanding the poem. I think you would gain more if you at least hinted as to what happened.
JediMasterYoda98 - "Cube"
Vivid details, well-defined description. Life from the perspective of a die is brought out by the touch of metal in the beginning, to the view of things from the game board. I liked the phrase "six-sided life," and the line "I'm like a magnet/Clinging to things that were only lies." There's a moral to the story in there, I think, about risking too much on a gamble. It's as if the cube opposes being used as an instrument of destruction. It seems to resent its role in something it has no control over. I think you touched on something interesting here, but it could be taken further. You have room to develop the idea in deeper ways.
"Spinning, Blurring, you throw the dice" is an interesting line. "Sprinning, Blurring" refers to the person who is throwing the dice, when it is actually the dice that are spinning and blurring. But then I realized that from the die's perspective, it would appear that the person is the one who is spinning. Interesting. Also, note on grammar: dice is plural for die.
well, these are the lyrics to a song i wrote. If it helps to let you know, its Linkin'Park-ish..chorus slower and harsh, and other parts angry fast rap
i think this is my best work, i hope ya'll like it
Labryinth of Sentiment
I watch you from a ledge as I contemplate the thoughts
Each side of me is truth, and together they've fought
For the better of my halves, in hopes to find a way
To tell you how i feel, since i can't find words to say
Would speaking more help?...or maybe less
I can't blame you, I created this mess
From the doubts of the questions that echo in my head
Do I risk all for freedom, or am I just better dead?
The shallow thoughts of myself I can't take
I could try to impress, but thats how i break
I try to forget all the nonsense I make
When I'm dreaming of you, I'm the one who's a fake
Away from you, slaughtered of my pride
Rejected by you, from what I can't hide
Detested by you, you've scarred my inside
Wasted from you, lost control of my mind
Why...can't I feel the same...emotions avalanche onto my-
Brain...when I feel you there, but you can't see back so I go in-
(sane)
The rhythm of my heart beats to an unknown place
With each clue I come across, brings an image of your face
I crawl to my goal, lost since i thought to begin
But I find the cell locked, and the keys held within
My pessimistic perspectives donnot permit idle gain
And simple systems seem surrealistically sane
I hide in the corner and swallow all my despise
But all the walls fall down, and all my hopes turn to lies
Annoyed and disturbed you ignore my attempts
From not trying at all, to taking regrets
Of the foolish exhausts of pompous nonsense
You can't see through what lies in my conscience
Away from you, slaughtered of my pride
Rejected by you, from what I can't hide
Detested by you, you've scarred my inside
Wasted from you, lost control of my mind
Why...can't I feel the same...emotions avalanche onto my-
Brain...when I feel you there, but you can't see back so I go in-
(sane)
I tear down the visions of you fooled as pure ground
I take the wrong chances, and talk til I'm down
I scheme amongst notions mutated from plan
but it boils to nothing, when ego has no fan
My memories tend to be disbelieving my needs
So I open my eyes, but there is nothing to see
I'm offered your pity, but you won't learn til' tomorrow
The brighter light you shine on me, the darker my shadow
Why can't I just chill, and play it off cool?
I get too tensed up, and get myself schooled
Be mellow and calm, is what I can't fake
And in return, I only aggravate...
Away from you, slaughtered of my pride
Rejected by you, from what I can't hide
Detested by you, you've scarred my inside
Wasted from you, lost control of my mind
Why...can't I feel the same...emotions avalanche onto my-
Brain...when I feel you there, but you can't see back so I go in-
Sane....insane...insane...insane, when I can't find the right...words to...say!
i think this is my best work, i hope ya'll like it
Labryinth of Sentiment
I watch you from a ledge as I contemplate the thoughts
Each side of me is truth, and together they've fought
For the better of my halves, in hopes to find a way
To tell you how i feel, since i can't find words to say
Would speaking more help?...or maybe less
I can't blame you, I created this mess
From the doubts of the questions that echo in my head
Do I risk all for freedom, or am I just better dead?
The shallow thoughts of myself I can't take
I could try to impress, but thats how i break
I try to forget all the nonsense I make
When I'm dreaming of you, I'm the one who's a fake
Away from you, slaughtered of my pride
Rejected by you, from what I can't hide
Detested by you, you've scarred my inside
Wasted from you, lost control of my mind
Why...can't I feel the same...emotions avalanche onto my-
Brain...when I feel you there, but you can't see back so I go in-
(sane)
The rhythm of my heart beats to an unknown place
With each clue I come across, brings an image of your face
I crawl to my goal, lost since i thought to begin
But I find the cell locked, and the keys held within
My pessimistic perspectives donnot permit idle gain
And simple systems seem surrealistically sane
I hide in the corner and swallow all my despise
But all the walls fall down, and all my hopes turn to lies
Annoyed and disturbed you ignore my attempts
From not trying at all, to taking regrets
Of the foolish exhausts of pompous nonsense
You can't see through what lies in my conscience
Away from you, slaughtered of my pride
Rejected by you, from what I can't hide
Detested by you, you've scarred my inside
Wasted from you, lost control of my mind
Why...can't I feel the same...emotions avalanche onto my-
Brain...when I feel you there, but you can't see back so I go in-
(sane)
I tear down the visions of you fooled as pure ground
I take the wrong chances, and talk til I'm down
I scheme amongst notions mutated from plan
but it boils to nothing, when ego has no fan
My memories tend to be disbelieving my needs
So I open my eyes, but there is nothing to see
I'm offered your pity, but you won't learn til' tomorrow
The brighter light you shine on me, the darker my shadow
Why can't I just chill, and play it off cool?
I get too tensed up, and get myself schooled
Be mellow and calm, is what I can't fake
And in return, I only aggravate...
Away from you, slaughtered of my pride
Rejected by you, from what I can't hide
Detested by you, you've scarred my inside
Wasted from you, lost control of my mind
Why...can't I feel the same...emotions avalanche onto my-
Brain...when I feel you there, but you can't see back so I go in-
Sane....insane...insane...insane, when I can't find the right...words to...say!
I'm sorry everyone. I seriously don't know how to critique poems, or else I would. =\ (Only poem I've written since 5th grade (ending 9th now))
Adoration of the Earth
On this starry night
Staring into wonderous lights
Burning fearlessely illuminating the darkness
Painting the sky with texture
This vast sphere in which I live, explore, adore
Ministers the beasts of soil, of sea, of the heavens
Creates a home for the enchantments of night and day
Blissfully I awaken to the sound of light
Fabricated by Sol, our incandescent auxiliary
Whose negative, Luna, watches over our fantasies
And aspirations as we slumber
The humans, souls, marvelous minds
Rule our lands like the new mother nourishing her offspring
Inspire the artistic brains fresh with creativity to compose, create
Beautiful a land to respect
Its complexity fascinating
All spoken by one, accepted by many
Home, sweet home
Adoration of the Earth
On this starry night
Staring into wonderous lights
Burning fearlessely illuminating the darkness
Painting the sky with texture
This vast sphere in which I live, explore, adore
Ministers the beasts of soil, of sea, of the heavens
Creates a home for the enchantments of night and day
Blissfully I awaken to the sound of light
Fabricated by Sol, our incandescent auxiliary
Whose negative, Luna, watches over our fantasies
And aspirations as we slumber
The humans, souls, marvelous minds
Rule our lands like the new mother nourishing her offspring
Inspire the artistic brains fresh with creativity to compose, create
Beautiful a land to respect
Its complexity fascinating
All spoken by one, accepted by many
Home, sweet home
Critique: meleemasterx, Fantasia
meleemasterx - "Labyrinth of Sentiment"
I think this is a poem that is meant to be read outloud. Like slam poetry or spoken word, it has the kind of quality that can be missed by silent reading. Tone is aggressive, very direct. It narrates with a strong voice. The frustration of the narrator comes through very well.
Some suggestions: watch grammar. In stanza 7, "I hide in the corner and swallow all my despise" should probably be "swallow what I despise." The tone radiates frustration, but beyond that I have trouble understanding what the main subject of the poem is. I have trouble understanding the significance of "you," and "you" is what the poem is mainly directed at. The only other critique I have is that some of the stanzas seem to make the same point with different words. So I'd suggest using greater variation or slightly different angles when working on a consistent theme.
Overall, this is good writing. I just wish I knew more about the source of the emotions portrayed here.
Fantasia - "Adoration of the Earth"
Certainly different from what I've been reading around here. The tone and word choice kind of invoke a majestic quality. The narrator is an observer, stepping back and looking at the natural world. It reads like simple adoration and proud magnificence.
That sentiment is carried through pretty well in the language.
I have to question this line though: "Rule our lands like the new mother nourishing her offspring." The way it's structured, this is comparing humans ruling the land like a mother nourishing her offspring, which is an interesting reversal of the more common metaphor of the earth as mother. I'd like to see an example of this in the poem, since I'd like to be convinced that the role reversal can work. The next line, "Inspire the artistic brains..." is structured to imply that humans inspire art in other humans, or do you mean that the earth inspires art? To me, the latter makes more sense than the former, but that point could be clarified.
Also, "the sound of light" is a curious little phrase that peaked my interest. I wonder if you meant anything in particular by this...?
meleemasterx - "Labyrinth of Sentiment"
I think this is a poem that is meant to be read outloud. Like slam poetry or spoken word, it has the kind of quality that can be missed by silent reading. Tone is aggressive, very direct. It narrates with a strong voice. The frustration of the narrator comes through very well.
Some suggestions: watch grammar. In stanza 7, "I hide in the corner and swallow all my despise" should probably be "swallow what I despise." The tone radiates frustration, but beyond that I have trouble understanding what the main subject of the poem is. I have trouble understanding the significance of "you," and "you" is what the poem is mainly directed at. The only other critique I have is that some of the stanzas seem to make the same point with different words. So I'd suggest using greater variation or slightly different angles when working on a consistent theme.
Overall, this is good writing. I just wish I knew more about the source of the emotions portrayed here.
Fantasia - "Adoration of the Earth"
Certainly different from what I've been reading around here. The tone and word choice kind of invoke a majestic quality. The narrator is an observer, stepping back and looking at the natural world. It reads like simple adoration and proud magnificence.
That sentiment is carried through pretty well in the language.
I have to question this line though: "Rule our lands like the new mother nourishing her offspring." The way it's structured, this is comparing humans ruling the land like a mother nourishing her offspring, which is an interesting reversal of the more common metaphor of the earth as mother. I'd like to see an example of this in the poem, since I'd like to be convinced that the role reversal can work. The next line, "Inspire the artistic brains..." is structured to imply that humans inspire art in other humans, or do you mean that the earth inspires art? To me, the latter makes more sense than the former, but that point could be clarified.
Also, "the sound of light" is a curious little phrase that peaked my interest. I wonder if you meant anything in particular by this...?
I like your observations, El Nino.
Rule our lands like the new mother nourishing her offspring
When a new mother nourishes her offspring, she does it with great care. When a ruler rules a great land, s/he does it with great care. We don't want destruction to happen to either, and that's why I chose that line.
Inspire the artistic brains fresh with creativity to compose, create
I chose this line because as a growing adolescent, I've been inspired more by other people than by nature itself. I do believe though that original creativity came from earth. Perhaps what I'm trying to say is that the inspiration of certain things about nature has been passed down and changed into new forms of creativity.
Blissfully I awaken to the sound of light
I'm a musician, not a writer, visual artist, dancer, etc... It has been proven that light exists forty octaves above sound. When that line was written, I was creating a relationship between them. I'm fascinated by that and actually want to write music to describe different colors. When asked the question, "What is music?" what do you say? A combination of sound and rhythm aligned in such a way to produce a pleasing sound, I tend to disagree. Not all music is "pleasing to the ear" so that definition is impossible. What is music? I want to describe it in terms of colors. Each instrument provides not only a different color as in "association of sound" but combined with colors as light, it can be used as a language. It is not a literal language, but more of an 'interpreted based on your history' language. What do you see in sound? What do you hear in light? The uniqueness in everyone produces different answers.
Rule our lands like the new mother nourishing her offspring
When a new mother nourishes her offspring, she does it with great care. When a ruler rules a great land, s/he does it with great care. We don't want destruction to happen to either, and that's why I chose that line.
Inspire the artistic brains fresh with creativity to compose, create
I chose this line because as a growing adolescent, I've been inspired more by other people than by nature itself. I do believe though that original creativity came from earth. Perhaps what I'm trying to say is that the inspiration of certain things about nature has been passed down and changed into new forms of creativity.
Blissfully I awaken to the sound of light
I'm a musician, not a writer, visual artist, dancer, etc... It has been proven that light exists forty octaves above sound. When that line was written, I was creating a relationship between them. I'm fascinated by that and actually want to write music to describe different colors. When asked the question, "What is music?" what do you say? A combination of sound and rhythm aligned in such a way to produce a pleasing sound, I tend to disagree. Not all music is "pleasing to the ear" so that definition is impossible. What is music? I want to describe it in terms of colors. Each instrument provides not only a different color as in "association of sound" but combined with colors as light, it can be used as a language. It is not a literal language, but more of an 'interpreted based on your history' language. What do you see in sound? What do you hear in light? The uniqueness in everyone produces different answers.
kazooiemon
Smash Cadet
Well, I wrote this one for me friend. He was coming out of a relationship, and was down, so I tried to write a poem that would help him understand, and.....well, the results were mixed. Tell me what you think
.
I was Lost, I was Lost
Looking for help
As I wondered the lonely streets
Tears cutting across my face
Like lines that I couldn’t cross
I was scared, I was scared
Pitied, Forgotten, and alone
Then taken by the hand…
Sweet hands of the demon of youth
Committing young, foolish acts all the way
Please, please, oh, please
Come back, come live me
I’ve killed my demon to realize
I put another demon in its place
If you go and leave me on my own
My demons might never come back…
And I’ll never be able to face them.
.
I was Lost, I was Lost
Looking for help
As I wondered the lonely streets
Tears cutting across my face
Like lines that I couldn’t cross
I was scared, I was scared
Pitied, Forgotten, and alone
Then taken by the hand…
Sweet hands of the demon of youth
Committing young, foolish acts all the way
Please, please, oh, please
Come back, come live me
I’ve killed my demon to realize
I put another demon in its place
If you go and leave me on my own
My demons might never come back…
And I’ll never be able to face them.
Aha...i can't critique poetry for nuts (I was never a critical person : P) but yeah.
Kazooiemon
Mmm...I find it slightly confusing to fully understand whats going on here, but i'm not very good at analyzing : P But i like some of the words you've used here, "Sweet hands of demon youth" is a very interesting line and I think it describes i guess, teenage 'love' really well (if that's what you're describing ^^; ). Repeating the first line of each stanza gives this a bit of a lyrical quality in my opinion and would probably sound better when spoken aloud rather than read.
I personally find the ending a lil abrupt...it works, but I dunno, it just seems to suddenly stop the flow that works through your poem. If you wanted that effect, fair enough i guess.
Good work though! :3
Something from me now...I haven't written anything in ages so yeah...kinda crummy but i'd like some feedback anyway.
In This City With No Eyes
In a city with no eyes,
Where nothing is seen,
Maybe
We would trust just,
A little more.
As we cannot see a lie
and Really
Believe
in each other's words.
Perhaps
Our words will mean more,
And they'll be treated
Carefully.
I love yous,
Could be real
Falling for personality
Instead of lusting after illusion
And racism could be abolished,
As colours would not exist.
There would really be no
Perfect.
We'd all be the most
Beautiful
People in the world.
Maybe.
We could learn to
Love
Ourselves
Just that little more
And recognise,
Treasure this
Inner beauty,
Currently cloaked
by what our eyes
Think
They see instead.
In this city with no eyes.
~TM
Kazooiemon
Mmm...I find it slightly confusing to fully understand whats going on here, but i'm not very good at analyzing : P But i like some of the words you've used here, "Sweet hands of demon youth" is a very interesting line and I think it describes i guess, teenage 'love' really well (if that's what you're describing ^^; ). Repeating the first line of each stanza gives this a bit of a lyrical quality in my opinion and would probably sound better when spoken aloud rather than read.
I personally find the ending a lil abrupt...it works, but I dunno, it just seems to suddenly stop the flow that works through your poem. If you wanted that effect, fair enough i guess.
Good work though! :3
Something from me now...I haven't written anything in ages so yeah...kinda crummy but i'd like some feedback anyway.
In This City With No Eyes
In a city with no eyes,
Where nothing is seen,
Maybe
We would trust just,
A little more.
As we cannot see a lie
and Really
Believe
in each other's words.
Perhaps
Our words will mean more,
And they'll be treated
Carefully.
I love yous,
Could be real
Falling for personality
Instead of lusting after illusion
And racism could be abolished,
As colours would not exist.
There would really be no
Perfect.
We'd all be the most
Beautiful
People in the world.
Maybe.
We could learn to
Love
Ourselves
Just that little more
And recognise,
Treasure this
Inner beauty,
Currently cloaked
by what our eyes
Think
They see instead.
In this city with no eyes.
~TM
"I love yous,
Could be real
Falling for personality
Instead of lusting after illusion"
I love those lines, they have such meaning. In fact, the whole poem has such a deep meaning. I love your (oi crap, just got dejavu!) choice of words.
Could be real
Falling for personality
Instead of lusting after illusion"
I love those lines, they have such meaning. In fact, the whole poem has such a deep meaning. I love your (oi crap, just got dejavu!) choice of words.
A Walking Tornado
Here she comes again,
with her rattlesnake boots,
Her all-knowing smile,
Her voice a tenor.
But only I notice,
nobody else sees her stroll into town,
The dust picking up,
Can't anyone feel it?
Is this just a siren,
singing me to disaster?
Here she comes now,
Her sly cat eyes,
a coat full of guns,
a stride in her step.
This one's the real thing,
I can taste it.
With her big ideas,
She's come to swallow me whole.
Here she comes again,
with her rattlesnake boots,
Her all-knowing smile,
Her voice a tenor.
But only I notice,
nobody else sees her stroll into town,
The dust picking up,
Can't anyone feel it?
Is this just a siren,
singing me to disaster?
Here she comes now,
Her sly cat eyes,
a coat full of guns,
a stride in her step.
This one's the real thing,
I can taste it.
With her big ideas,
She's come to swallow me whole.
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2000
- Messages
- 5,649
awesome LT. awesome
why the heck don't you write more? You're talented. =D
why the heck don't you write more? You're talented. =D
Luigitoilet - "A Walking Tornado"
This piece is really solid. I don't know what to criticize. I liked: "Her sly cat eyes,/a coat full of guns." The way you open it draws the reader in, and I also liked how you ended it. It paints a very vivid picture with nicely detailed descriptions.
This piece is really solid. I don't know what to criticize. I liked: "Her sly cat eyes,/a coat full of guns." The way you open it draws the reader in, and I also liked how you ended it. It paints a very vivid picture with nicely detailed descriptions.
Young Danny
Smash Journeyman
Hope this is good....
And then he was gone
He chose to walk alone, though others wondered why
Refused to look before him, kept eyes cast upwards towards the sky
He didn't have companions; no need for earthly things
Only wanted freedom from what he felt were puppet strings
He longed to be a bird, that hhe might fly away
He pitied every blade of grass, for planted they would stay
He longed to be a flame that brightly danced alone
Felt jealous of the steam that made the air its only home
Some say he wished too hard; some say he wished too long
But we awoke one autumn day to find that he was gone
The trees, they say, stood witness; the sky refused to tell
But someone who had seen it said the story played out well
He spread his arms out wide, breathed in the break of dawn
He just let go of all He held...and then He was gone
And then he was gone
He chose to walk alone, though others wondered why
Refused to look before him, kept eyes cast upwards towards the sky
He didn't have companions; no need for earthly things
Only wanted freedom from what he felt were puppet strings
He longed to be a bird, that hhe might fly away
He pitied every blade of grass, for planted they would stay
He longed to be a flame that brightly danced alone
Felt jealous of the steam that made the air its only home
Some say he wished too hard; some say he wished too long
But we awoke one autumn day to find that he was gone
The trees, they say, stood witness; the sky refused to tell
But someone who had seen it said the story played out well
He spread his arms out wide, breathed in the break of dawn
He just let go of all He held...and then He was gone
Labryinth of Sentiment
I watch you from a ledge as I contemplate the thoughts
Each side of me is truth, and together they've fought
For the better of my halves, in hopes to find a way
To tell you how i feel, since i can't find words to say
Would speaking more help?...or maybe less
I can't blame you, I created this mess
From the doubts of the questions that echo in my head
Do I risk all for freedom, or am I just better dead?
The shallow thoughts of myself I can't take
I could try to impress, but thats how i break
I try to forget all the nonsense I make
When I'm dreaming of you, I'm the one who's a fake
Away from you, slaughtered of my pride
Rejected by you, from what I can't hide
Detested by you, you've scarred my inside
Wasted from you, lost control of my mind
Why...can't I feel the same...emotions avalanche onto my-
Brain...when I feel you there, but you can't see back so I go in-
(sane)
The rhythm of my heart beats to an unknown place
With each clue I come across, brings an image of your face
I crawl to my goal, lost since i thought to begin
But I find the cell locked, and the keys held within
My pessimistic perspectives donnot permit idle gain
And simple systems seem surrealistically sane
I hide in the corner and swallow all my despise
But all the walls fall down, and all my hopes turn to lies
Annoyed and disturbed you ignore my attempts
From not trying at all, to taking regrets
Of the foolish exhausts of pompous nonsense
You can't see through what lies in my conscience
Away from you, slaughtered of my pride
Rejected by you, from what I can't hide
Detested by you, you've scarred my inside
Wasted from you, lost control of my mind
Why...can't I feel the same...emotions avalanche onto my-
Brain...when I feel you there, but you can't see back so I go in-
(sane)
I tear down the visions of you fooled as pure ground
I take the wrong chances, and talk til I'm down
I scheme amongst notions mutated from plan
but it boils to nothing, when ego has no fan
My memories tend to be disbelieving my needs
So I open my eyes, but there is nothing to see
I'm offered your pity, but you won't learn til' tomorrow
The brighter light you shine on me, the darker my shadow
Why can't I just chill, and play it off cool?
I get too tensed up, and get overruled
Be mellow and calm, is what I can't fake
And in return, I only aggravate...
Away from you, slaughtered of my pride
Rejected by you, from what I can't hide
Detested by you, you've scarred my inside
Wasted from you, lost control of my mind
Why...can't I feel the same...emotions avalanche onto my-
Brain...when I feel you there, but you can't see back so I go in-
Sane....insane...insane...insane, when I can't find the right...words to...say!
I watch you from a ledge as I contemplate the thoughts
Each side of me is truth, and together they've fought
For the better of my halves, in hopes to find a way
To tell you how i feel, since i can't find words to say
Would speaking more help?...or maybe less
I can't blame you, I created this mess
From the doubts of the questions that echo in my head
Do I risk all for freedom, or am I just better dead?
The shallow thoughts of myself I can't take
I could try to impress, but thats how i break
I try to forget all the nonsense I make
When I'm dreaming of you, I'm the one who's a fake
Away from you, slaughtered of my pride
Rejected by you, from what I can't hide
Detested by you, you've scarred my inside
Wasted from you, lost control of my mind
Why...can't I feel the same...emotions avalanche onto my-
Brain...when I feel you there, but you can't see back so I go in-
(sane)
The rhythm of my heart beats to an unknown place
With each clue I come across, brings an image of your face
I crawl to my goal, lost since i thought to begin
But I find the cell locked, and the keys held within
My pessimistic perspectives donnot permit idle gain
And simple systems seem surrealistically sane
I hide in the corner and swallow all my despise
But all the walls fall down, and all my hopes turn to lies
Annoyed and disturbed you ignore my attempts
From not trying at all, to taking regrets
Of the foolish exhausts of pompous nonsense
You can't see through what lies in my conscience
Away from you, slaughtered of my pride
Rejected by you, from what I can't hide
Detested by you, you've scarred my inside
Wasted from you, lost control of my mind
Why...can't I feel the same...emotions avalanche onto my-
Brain...when I feel you there, but you can't see back so I go in-
(sane)
I tear down the visions of you fooled as pure ground
I take the wrong chances, and talk til I'm down
I scheme amongst notions mutated from plan
but it boils to nothing, when ego has no fan
My memories tend to be disbelieving my needs
So I open my eyes, but there is nothing to see
I'm offered your pity, but you won't learn til' tomorrow
The brighter light you shine on me, the darker my shadow
Why can't I just chill, and play it off cool?
I get too tensed up, and get overruled
Be mellow and calm, is what I can't fake
And in return, I only aggravate...
Away from you, slaughtered of my pride
Rejected by you, from what I can't hide
Detested by you, you've scarred my inside
Wasted from you, lost control of my mind
Why...can't I feel the same...emotions avalanche onto my-
Brain...when I feel you there, but you can't see back so I go in-
Sane....insane...insane...insane, when I can't find the right...words to...say!
Waiting for the Shoe
I am small as an insect in a world that passes by...
It doesn't even care if I live, or if I die.
If my actions are moral, or if my statements are true,
I'm simply passing the time while I wait for the shoe.
An ant carrying food for thought, a thousand times greater;
A mind like an icecube with the thoughts of a glacier.
If I solved all the problems, then what would I do?
It would make little difference to me or the shoe.
Where will I go when all's said and done?
I can't answer that, when even living's no fun...
It's toil and work, and I serve a master who,
cares not if I live, or if I die by the shoe.
Maybe some day I will grow strong and tall,
And with omniscient view somehow make sense of it all,
But fantasy gives me no solace; it's true,
that I'm just passing the time while I wait for the shoe.
I am small as an insect in a world that passes by...
It doesn't even care if I live, or if I die.
If my actions are moral, or if my statements are true,
I'm simply passing the time while I wait for the shoe.
An ant carrying food for thought, a thousand times greater;
A mind like an icecube with the thoughts of a glacier.
If I solved all the problems, then what would I do?
It would make little difference to me or the shoe.
Where will I go when all's said and done?
I can't answer that, when even living's no fun...
It's toil and work, and I serve a master who,
cares not if I live, or if I die by the shoe.
Maybe some day I will grow strong and tall,
And with omniscient view somehow make sense of it all,
But fantasy gives me no solace; it's true,
that I'm just passing the time while I wait for the shoe.