Mm...I need help with this. :x

[momochuu]

Link to original post: [drupal=1915]Mm...I need help with this. :x[/drupal]



I tried to take a nap just now and started thinking about this, and this situation has been in my head for a long time so I'll just ask you all for advice on it.

It's about college and being separated from my boyfriend and some of my friends. Mostly my boyfriend because he'll be much farther away. For college, I'm staying in IL to be near my family and a lot of my friends. However, my boyfriend is going to New Jersey. He has family there, and he's always wanted to live there or something for whatever reason. I dunno. He's crazy.

Anyway, I can't really ask him to stay in IL with me. He hasn't filled out any applications to any colleges out here to my knowledge, and he really wants to be there. It'd be pretty selfish, and I'd really feel uncomfortable with him asking me to go there with him because I just don't want to be that far away.

I'm not even sure if it's the fact that I don't want to be alone again (I really don't like being alone. At all.) or that I'll probably never meet someone like him again. I'm not sure if I can tell you how perfect he and I for each other. It's insane. He's like my best friend.

So umm...yeah. That's the end of my venting and stuff. I'd just really like some advice. I've never really been in a situation like this before, but I guess it's one of the things that you have to deal with when going out on your own and becoming an adult. @_@ I really don't like the idea of a long distance relationship. >_< Help please.<!--break-->

 

[Jim Morrison]

Nah, that won't work. Either one of you will have to give in or the love isn't worth it. If you were really perfect for each other he'd come with you/you'd come with him.
You could try, but it depends on for how long and if you actually have plans of seeing each other often.

I wouldn't really bother with it, because you could meet just as awesome people in college.

/Gf2tw's love advice LOLOLOL

 

[Turbo Ether]

I'll probably never meet someone like him again.

Sounds like one helluva guy, so that kinda sucks! Especially since he's moving to NJ, there's a 57% chance he'll be converted to a homosexual if he plays Smash. Keep him out of NJ or your relationship is destined to fail! Check my signature.

If he doesn't play Smash at all, disregard this post.

 

[Fatmanonice]

The best way to approach this is to just say in contact with each other and arrange to try to see each other at least once a semester even if it's just during the breaks. Going where he is or have him come where you are is an absolutely God awful idea because, if things fall apart, then what? If you go with him and things turn to crap then you're basically stranded and , worst of all, you've missed out on a big oppurtunity in your life so you'll be forced to either 1. start over with your plans or 2. adapt to the new area you're in. You're not married so you shouldn't be building your lives around each other yet.

If anything, consider this a test and you pretty much have two options:

1. Work with a long distance relationship and, if one of you burns out on it, that's it, move on. Both of you strongly have to have the desire for the relationship to work and, if this is the case, you guys will find a way to make it work.

2. Take a break from each other and just meet up at the end of each semester so you guys can focus on school/work. If you absolutely have to write/call each other, do it like once every two months at most. Again, if you both have a desire to make it work, you won't cheat on each other. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but, even though I'm sounding like a broken record at this point, this has to be the mentality of you both for it to work.

At this point, you need to have a talk with your boyfriend. You need to have a long talk about your options and propose the two ideas I offered above. You need to get a straight answer from him to see if he thinks this will work out. If you both believe it will and you're both honest about it, you'll find a way to make it work out with one of the two options I said. If he honestly doesn't believe it will work out, simply move because, if he cares about you, he won't force you to build his life around you and you shouldn't expect him to do the same for you either. You're both young, remember that; don't limit yourselves so much during this time in your life. This is a time of exploration and discovery so don't build the next 4-5 years of your life around a relationship that hasn't been truly put through the crucible yet.

 

[Teran]

What I said on AIM.
I can't be nice on here, unfortunately.

 

[Ishiey]

******, this is going to be me in a year. I'd go with what FMOI said (parenthetical text for emphasis), and if they're really that important to you as a friend, try to avoid putting extra strain on a relationship that might ruin the potential of continuing the friendship if things don't work out.

I just don't get it though. I've lived in IL for a good while and I'm now in NJ. For the life of me, I will never understand why someone would willingly come to this state, especially if they had IL as an alternative...

Good luck. And what FMOI said. Again.

 

[Hylian]

These situations happen more often then you would think.

Long distance relationships suck trust me, you don't want to be in one. In my experience anyways. Not being able to hold the girl I love would torture me.

I would sit down and talk with him about how serious you guys want your relationship to be. Is it worth you going to Jersey or him staying? If not then you two need to figure out if you plan to stay together and visit each other often, mutually break up, or maybe meet again later in life after you have college out of the way and see how things go from there.

This is another one of those roadblocks life throws at you. Both of you just need to talk about it and be aware of how whatever choice you make will affect both of you.

 

[momochuu]

2. Take a break from each other and just meet up at the end of each semester so you guys can focus on school/work. If you absolutely have to write/call each other, do it like once every two months at most. Again, if you both have a desire to make it work, you won't cheat on each other. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but, even though I'm sounding like a broken record at this point, this has to be the mentality of you both for it to work.

This might have to be the case. =/

At this point, you need to have a talk with your boyfriend. You need to have a long talk about your options and propose the two ideas I offered above. You need to get a straight answer from him to see if he thinks this will work out. If you both believe it will and you're both honest about it, you'll find a way to make it work out with one of the two options I said. If he honestly doesn't believe it will work out, simply move because, if he cares about you, he won't force you to build his life around you and you shouldn't expect him to do the same for you either. You're both young, remember that; don't limit yourselves so much during this time in your life. This is a time of exploration and discovery so don't build the next 4-5 years of your life around a relationship that hasn't been truly put through the crucible yet.

Yeah, I know. I mentioned it before but it didn't go anywhere. I don't even really like to think about it.

I just don't get it though. I've lived in IL for a good while and I'm now in NJ. For the life of me, I will never understand why someone would willingly come to this state, especially if they had IL as an alternative...

I don't understand it either...at all. >_>

These situations happen more often then you would think.

Long distance relationships suck trust me, you don't want to be in one. In my experience anyways. Not being able to hold the girl I love would torture me.

I would sit down and talk with him about how serious you guys want your relationship to be. Is it worth you going to Jersey or him staying? If not then you two need to figure out if you plan to stay together and visit each other often, mutually break up, or maybe meet again later in life after you have college out of the way and see how things go from there.

This is another one of those roadblocks life throws at you. Both of you just need to talk about it and be aware of how whatever choice you make will affect both of you.

Yeah. You're right. If it doesn't turn out too well at least it's another learning experience. =/

 

[Indigo Jeans]

Hmmmm, I've alway's feared long-distance relationships; no matter how perfect you two are for each other, there'll always be that hint of doubt. I hated to do it, but when I moved from El Paso to here in Woodbridge, I broke up with my girlfriend. I hurt, but I just didn't want to be awake at night, or stressing during the day, about that da*n hint of doubt.

So what I'm saying here is, it might hurt, but in my opinion, breakup would be the best way to go.
</3







Lol, I never thought I'd give love advice, much less on SWF.XD

 

[|RK|]

Yeah. You're right. If it doesn't turn out too well at least it's another learning experience. =/

Learning experiences don't have to hurt. I agree with what Hylian said. But you obviously love each other and to give up that love would keep haunting you for life and beyond. There's really one choice here, if you want to put him ahead of yourself: are you going with him or not? Actually, you can also plan it so that somehow you end up in New Jersey together in the end, regardless of where he goes to college. You don't want to get in separate states, trust me. Sometimes people are different once you meet up with them after long periods of time. And you want to go through those changes together, so you truly understand.

 

[PhoenixoKaZe]

hmm, I`ve seen this before with my bro lol, being seperate does has it doubt, so I think it`s better to hve faith and just stay together like most of the ppl said above me ^^

not rly the best advice, I tryed o-o

 

[Fatmanonice]

This might have to be the case. =/



Yeah, I know. I mentioned it before but it didn't go anywhere. I don't even really like to think about it.

As Hylian said, long distance relationships absolutely suck because most people handle it the wrong way by not having the right mindset. It's hard... really hard, I'm not going to lie but, as I mentioned before, you two will have to decide if your relationship is strong enough to withstand the extreme stain that it will no doubt be put over from it.

Depriving yourself of someone you love is very much like depriving yourself of food, it's possible but it gets harder and harder overtime if you go about it the wrong way. Let's think about a diet: a lot of times, you train yourself to eat less of certain foods until you can go very long times without wanting them. A lot of people (or should I say most) go about this the wrong way and completely deprive themselves of certain foods. This usually only works for short periods of time because they are not used to such the sudden change and then you wind up finding them in the hall closet with their face and hands smothered with chocolate cake.

A relationship works the same way. Maybe before you head off to college, start being around each other less to help kick start it so it doesn't feel so heart treading at first. Again, it's important that you both reach a mutual agreement concerning this and come up with a reasonable battle plan and I do mean battle plan because this will be very hard on both of you if you don't mentally and emotionally prepare yourselves for the months ahead. You really need to express to him how important this is to you and if he still can't talk about it, dump him; strong relationships are not for cowards and standing around with your finger in your nose with a scared, puzzled look on your face will get you nowhere.

Again, this will not be easy. THIS WILL SUCK but it will SUCK MUCH, MUCH LESS if you go about it the right way.

 

[momochuu]

FMOI that's a lot to respond to, haha. I'll talk to him again about it...soon. Too much of holding it off until the last minute isn't a good idea.

 

[REL38]

As most everyone above has above: Distance + Relationships = Disaster

Imo I don't see why anyone would want to willingly move to Jersey. I was born there, but I wouldn't want to move there if given a choice. Sacrifice comes with love. If he has no legitimate reason for wanting to move to Jersey, then I recommend not going along. If he just wants to go for the hell of it, then that's no reason to sacrifice what you already have at your current location.

 

[Deleted member]

This is one of those lose-lose situations. You've gotta take a big risk and have little chance of reward, I don't have any advice, sorry .

 

[Chaco]

Too much of holding it off until the last minute isn't a good idea.

Like I've told you before.

I'm not gonna type a big long thing because I've talked to you before about it.

If you really want a first hand account, talk to Tagz. I won't say anymore than that. But, it'd be good to hear.

Also, what you think might be perfect for you know could also not be the case in the future. I know this.

 

[2.72]

I HATE THE BACK KEY ON MY COMPUTER! EVERY SINGLE ****ING TIME I TRY TO TYPE UP A LONG POST I HIT IT HALF-WAY THROUGH.

Ahem... had to get that off my chest.

1. I've known one couple that pulled off a long-distance relationship and was relatively happy. Talk to each other a lot. I know that there's such a thing as too much contact, but you're far more likely to not get enough. Anyway, I would never kill a relationship preemptively because it might get bad, but it's a different matter entirely if you know that it will.

2. OK, this is awkward to type tactfully, so I'm sorry if it's blunt. Does your boyfriend want to keep dating you? If he refuses to talk to you about this, my money's on "no, but he doesn't want to end it quite yet." I don't know him (or you), so it's a difficult call to make. I've never understood how people can continue to enjoy a relationship once it gets an expiration date, but apparently some people do.

3.

I'm not even sure if it's the fact that I don't want to be alone again (I really don't like being alone. At all.) or that I'll probably never meet someone like him again. I'm not sure if I can tell you how perfect he and I for each other. It's insane. He's like my best friend.

If you didn't feel this way, I'd tell you to end the relationship here and now. Nevertheless, I'd bet that you're wrong. If you get to know anyone really closely, romantically or not, they'll feel special. Cheesy, I know. Yeah, you'll probably never meet anyone exactly like him again, but you might (probably will) meet someone that you like just as much.

One last piece of advice, mostly in response to the line about you not wanting to be alone again. In general, I wouldn't start dating someone else immediately if you and he break up. You wouldn't have to wait until you got completely over him, either. It's hard to explain why, but I'll try. I've seen a lot of people try to recapture the old relationship exactly with a new person, forcing the new boyfriend or girlfriend into exactly the same role the other was in.

Good luck. I hope whatever you do turns out well.

 

[Heartz♥]

You, Fanny, and I seem to be having similar problems with this long-distance relationship thing. You can never be alone unless you allow yourself to think that way. Just because someone isn't right there; just because you cannot see them does NOT mean you aren't together.

I really hate being cheesy and corny on a video game forum, but heart and spirit are important assets of a human being. If we rely on materialism in everything that we do, we will be lost. I haven't seen Morris in months. It is killing me, but I can feel him inside me (that's what she said), just because the time we spent when we were together was so magical and worth repeating.

That stuff sticks with you in a spiritual and memorable way.

 

[Jim Morrison]

You should really wonder what will happen when you finish college. Are you going to move to Jersey, is he moving to where you will be/somewhere else? Will he still be the same person?

ASK YOURSELF QUESTIONS

In the meantime shove the problem under the carpet.

 

[Fatmanonice]

You, Fanny, and I seem to be having similar problems with this long-distance relationship thing. You can never be alone unless you allow yourself to think that way. Just because someone isn't right there; just because you cannot see them does NOT mean you aren't together.

I really hate being cheesy and corny on a video game forum, but heart and spirit are important assets of a human being. If we rely on materialism in everything that we do, we will be lost. I haven't seen Morris in months. It is killing me, but I can feel him inside me (that's what she said), just because the time we spent when we were together was so magical and worth repeating.

That stuff sticks with you in a spiritual and memorable way.

Very deep Heartz, very deep. Basically, if you both feel this way, it will work out but, again, you shouldn't starve yourself from them nor should you call them every other day. You need to find a good balance for it to work.

 

[Terios the Hedgehog]

Oh ****. I'd hate to have to deal with that. But my friend met his gf online and they talked for like 4 years before actually even meeting up and now they live together and are happy. It CAN work. Or are you saying even after college you want to stay in your own areas?

 

[The Truth!]

<.< yeah Chaco's right. Let me know if you want to hear about it (not here), or maybe Ill just tell you sometime.

 

[Super_Sonic8677]

Really, the only thing you can do is like Hylian said, talk to him about it.

In the end though, you're going to have to figure out what you want to do. Most of us don't know the specifics of your situation and can only help based on the little we know and our own experience.

I don't think..you're going to like it no matter what decision you make though...but whatever you do, don't wait until the last second and make it a stressfull mess for the two of you if you can help it. I would take care of it as soon as you can. That way you'll know one way or the other.

Personally I don't like not knowing, I'd rather find out in that kind of situation and get it over with. But that's just me.

 

[Ladybug]

I disagree with all the long distance doesn't work. I dated a guy for three years, two of them were long distance. The funny part was, our relationship didn't fall apart until we were together. Not because of the long distance. Long distance relationships can work. Especially if you feel strongly about a person. The thing you have to do with them is make sure you're both always on the same page. You can't start moving in two different directions. You have to maintain an open line of communication and grow with each other the same way you would in person. It's hard, I'm not going to lie, but if this person is your best friend, then communication shouldn't be a problem anyway. It isn't a fair situation to be put into. I'm about to be put into a similar one and I'm not looking forward to it.

You'll make the right decision. Because generally the first decision is the right one. The most common statement is "trust your heart". If you feel you're supposed to be together, then you'll find a way, no matter what. If you feel you're supposed to take a break and kind of reflect on the relationship and see how everything in your life goes, then do it. You're both just now entering college where there are so many new people and oppertunities. And if you're both dead set on it, then whoever said it is right, you won't cheat or look at other people but you'll find a way back to the person you obviously want more than anything.

I am sorry you have to go through this though. I understand how you feel.

 

[gallax]

i was in a similar situation once bunny. i was actually engaged to a girl who went to a college 3 hours away from me. then she had to leave the country due to her visa expiring and her lawyer messing up her documents. shes in canada right now about a 2000 miles away from me right now. i decided to not do the long distance thing and it has worked out fine since. i havent met anyone like her again. we really were perfect for each other but it seems that we weren't meant for each other.

if you really love the guy though give it a try. you dont want to make a mistake of saying no to that person if you two are really into each other. if you find yourself wanting to be with other guys while you two are separated or your bf is the same then you will know for sure.

 

[Man of Popsicle]

You'll break up anyways. Say goodbye :/

 

[momochuu]

You're a dumb***.

 

[Grey Belnades]

You'll break up anyways. Say goodbye :/

Dude, your a douchebag.

As for advice, I really don't have any sorry and all I can say is you choose what's best.

 

[Jam Stunna]

You pretty much hit the nail on the head yourself, Kawaii, when you said this is all part of becoming an adult. Eventually, we all have to go our own ways, and unfortunately, it's unavoidable.

If you don't want a long-distance relationship, then you have to come to terms with the fact that you don't want a relationship with this person anymore, because your lives are going in different directions. It'll hurt, but you'll get over it. And you'll find someone new at some point. That's just the way it goes.

 

[Shadow Moth]

Uh... I don't have to much experience (none really) with this but here's my take:

You really shouldn't bring yourself down for the sake of love at this point. As cruel as it sounds, this world doesn't allow people to truly be happy without a steady income and that means a college degree.

IMO you should be going to the college you want to if that is the case because, especially if you have a specific field of work in mind, you're going to want to study for a degree you're actually interested in... Plus in my experience being at a school you want to be at makes school life much more enjoyable.

Secondly, if you really don't like the idea of a long-distance relationship than don't get into one.

It sounds silly but really it's fine if you're not with your boyfriend all the time. I mean, it's not like colleges don't have summer break.

Not only that but you said you and your boyfriend are like best friends. If that's really true than use the internet. Even if you can't keep a romantic relationship going long-distance doesn't mean you can't have a long distance friendship.

Let's see. What else...?

Oh yeah!

Thirdly, I feel this could be a chance to see how your boyfriend will react to a situation like this. His reaction might reveal his true feelings (not thinking in terms of cheating or breaking up in particular but it's certainly a possibility if he is).

That's my three cents. Hope it helps.

DISCLAIMER: The author of the preceding statement(s) has no experience with any such situation as the one described... Nor has he ever had a girlfriend. T_T

DISCLAIMER (#2): Ignore the first disclaimer...

 

[highfive]

There is a point in everyone's life where they flourish into their own persona, their own self calling. You really have to ask yourself, "I can flourish, but do I have what it takes to let others flourish for themselves?" Should he be in your life in order to flourish or should he flourish by himself, allow him to decide what he wants. What he sees as his goal; to be with you or to go on and go to where he may want to be.