HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF MEN'S WEARHOUSE. THE EAST COAST WEST COAST CREW BATTLE WILL BE THE MOST BITTER, BLOODY BATTLE SINCE THE BURNING BOWELS OF BEELZEBUB BURST OPEN TO MEET MY BURGEONING BALLAST OF BELLIGERENT BOMBARDMENT LAST TUESDAY.
AS AN ARMCHAIR PHILOSOPHER AND SCHOLAR, I SHOULD NOTE THE SOCIOLOGICAL SYMBOLS OF THIS SMASH BROS SORTIE. MANGO IS THE NOUVEAU RICHE THAT THE WEST COAST HAS COME TO REPRESENT. HE IS LIKE UNTO A NOT-GAY STEVE JOBS. MANGO, LIKE MY PEN1S, WILL BE A HARD OPPONENT.
THE EAST COAST ELITE, WHO HAVE BEEN IN POWER SO LONG, REPRESENT OLD MONEY, EXCEPT FOR PC CHRIS, WHO REPRESENTS AGRICULTURE OR SOMETHING. THEIR CULTURED PEOPLE PROUDLY PRODUCED THE OIL AND STEEL THAT PLACED THIS PILE OF PROVINCES ON THE MAP AS A PEERLESS POWER. THEY ARE LIKE UNTO AN UNDEAD JD ROCKEFELLER, ANDREW CARNEGIE, AND JOHN PIERPONT MORGAN.
THIS WILL BE A TITANIC TANGO, TELLING A TORMENTED TALE OF CLASS STRUGGLE. THE CREW BATTLE WILL BE SO COURAGEOUSLY CUMTASTIC THAT EVERY CLEAR-EYED COURTESAN IN THE COUNTRY WILL BE CALLED ON TO COMMEMORATE THE CONSUMMATE COMBOS CAREENING OUT OF THE CONTROLLERS. THERE WILL BE MUCH ORGASMING. I GUARANTEE IT.