WWYP 5 -- Figure Drawing 101 (Contest closed! Good luck everyone)

[McCloud]

haha, no problem. Read mine and post here, and I'll put up my review for you tomorrow.

 

[demoncaterpie]

I really liked yours McCloud. Your style was consistent, and how you used letters to describe it was pretty new and fresh. I laughed when he mentioned that Tim looked like Sarah. The dramatic irony was killing me (if that's the right term).

As for criticism, the ending seemed out of place. Usually, a plot twist is supposed to leave you gasping, but it really didn't do anything. It could have also been because you were rushed, but there wasn't enough lead up to that ending. It just kind of made the character feel pointless. That may have been what you were getting at, but it left a bad feeling inside me. Not the good kind of bad feeling, but I think you know what I mean.

All in all, it was a very good piece. You may get hurt for having very little plot, but you should still place high. The song was also great. Is that a real song, or did you make it up?

Good luck to you dude!

 

[McCloud]

The end is important; the dialogue exchange lets you know Sarah is a perversion of Tim.

Yeah, I probably will get hurt for a lack of plot, but I felt that character development was more important.

p.s. that song is one of my favorite songs. It's The Postal Service - Such Great Heights. You should check it out. It's really a lovely song but I wanted it to use it in a light that wasn't in line with the song's tone.

 

[demoncaterpie]

The end is important; the dialogue exchange lets you know Sarah is a perversion of Tim.

Yeah, I probably will get hurt for a lack of plot, but I felt that character development was more important.

p.s. that song is one of my favorite songs. It's The Postal Service - Such Great Heights. You should check it out. It's really a lovely song but I wanted it to use it in a light that wasn't in line with the song's tone.

I got that part of it, it just didn't seem like it worked with me. I don't know, maybe it was the wording or something Your story's still great though.

I'll definitely check out that song. Bittorrent away!

 

[Xsyven]

timzonez don exits!

Procrastination killed THIS cat. I like what I'm writing so far, though. I'm going to save it for WWYP6, k? Unless it somehow doesn't follow prompts. Then I'll Creative Mindz it.

 

[OnYourMark]

Procrastination killed THIS cat.

it's a good thing i'm not a cat =P

 

[demoncaterpie]

After reading the entries, I'm going to have to say that it's a tie between Jam Stunna and Tom. While Jam's was the best written of the entries, Tom's was the most interesting. It was one of the few times where I had to keep reading just to find out what happened. But, at the same time, Jam had some great descriptions and characterizations. All in all, one of those two guys will win.

Aruun's was pretty good to, but it felt more like remanicing than an actual story. If his had more of a plot, his story would rank higher for me.

Plasmawisp gets most improved. If he spent a little more time on it, his story could have easily been the winner. Nice job dude!

I'm sorry OnYourMark, but your story was too boring for me to finish. There was just too much summary. I had a hard time trying to figure out who was ruling who. Still, you get huge props for bringing an epic story down to under 5000 words.

I already talked about McCloud's story. He's deffinitely going to place high.

I wish Xsyven could have finished his story. It was coming out so nicely too. Oh well, I can't wait to see what your WWYP6 entry will be like.

Rapid Assasian's was weird. Egghead did remind me of Sonic, so you get my blessing for that.

I just realized I haven't read Lombardi's yet. I'll be sure to check it out after my tennis practice. The parts I did read were good, so his story might create an upset of some kind.

So everyone did a great job, and you all should be very proud of yourselves. Good luck in the contest everyone!

 

[Xsyven]

My entry was Dairy Queened. D:

 

[Matt]

What's cooler than being cool? ICE COLD!

You and Eor are in the special auto-win category. Congrats!

 

[McCloud]

omgz matt.

shake it like a polaroid picture.

edit - review for DCP -

I liked it. Maybe I should have spent more time reading it, but I'm a fast reader. Anyway, I thought it was well written, but some points of dialogue seemed out of place. Also, the word dastardly... like.. never comes out of anyone's mouth... unless they're a superhero saying "Who could have done such a dastardly deed?" Which is usually followed by "Gee wilickers Batman, do you think it could have been the Joker?" The characterization for Benny was a bit strange to me, for him to be a fisher/sailor guy with eyes on the horizon. However, major points for effectively conveying the awkward subconscious thoughts that run through people's minds when they see others at parties. All in all, a very nice effort and I'd be surprised if you didn't place high as well.

 

[demoncaterpie]

omgz matt.

shake it like a polaroid picture.

edit - review for DCP -

I liked it. Maybe I should have spent more time reading it, but I'm a fast reader. Anyway, I thought it was well written, but some points of dialogue seemed out of place. Also, the word dastardly... like.. never comes out of anyone's mouth... unless they're a superhero saying "Who could have done such a dastardly deed?" Which is usually followed by "Gee wilickers Batman, do you think it could have been the Joker?" The characterization for Benny was a bit strange to me, for him to be a fisher/sailor guy with eyes on the horizon. However, major points for effectively conveying the awkward subconscious thoughts that run through people's minds when they see others at parties. All in all, a very nice effort and I'd be surprised if you didn't place high as well.

What's parts exactly? I made dialogue a center piece in my story, so I'd like to know which parts in particular.

About that dastardly comment: You may have been confused by the character of Elizabeth's dialgoue. If that's true, know that her dialect was completely intentional for creating her character.

Yeah, characterizing Benny was a huge challenge for me. I was originally going to make him a computer nerd, but thought that was a bit cliche. I like to think that his references to the sea and ships kind of forshadowed his previous life on the water, whether is be a fisherman or whatever.

Mainly, I was trying to express this story through symbolism, motifs, and forshadowing. Also, I wanted to be subtle. I like to think of this more as a writing experiment for me, to see if I could do all of those things. All in all, I think I did a good job.

The only part I don't like was the ending, which I started writing about 8 o' clock (which was 10 o' clock in judging time). I had a clear idea of what I wanted to happen, but I wasn't very clear on how to express it. It was heavily rushed, and I knew that.

Anyway, if you could go back and give me comments on my symbolism and motifs, I would really appreciate it. That was what I was trying to do, and I'd like to know if I did a good job with it.

 

[Jazzy Jinx]

Oh so we're reviewing each other's stories now? Let me see here, "Tales of a Lonesome Nothing"... DAMMIT! I screwed up!

I curse incompotence...

 

[Mr.Lombardi34]

The only story that nobody has said stuff about is mine. Oh well, guess others did way better.

 

[Evil Eye]

Man I think I might judge Eor's story just for the hell of it.

Where's that rubric...

 

[Eor]

I think that Matt needs to stop being biased and let me enter my story, which I slaved over for a full hour.

http://www.gopetition.com/online/13691.html

Sign to end the injustice

 

[Mr.Lombardi34]

Why wouldn't he let you enter your story? Am I missing something?

 

[Evil Eye]

Because he's racist against Texan people.

Fight the power! Click here!

 

[OnYourMark]

Grade It, Don't Judge It!

i'd sign it just for that catchy phrase, but really, i have no idea why matt took it off, so i won't.

 

[demoncaterpie]

i'd sign it just for that catchy phrase, but really, i have no idea why matt took it off, so i won't.

Well, and this is definitely a stretch, but it might be because the main character's name was Matt.

Nah, that can't be it.

Bring Back The Bear!

 

[Evil Eye]

i'd sign it just for that catchy phrase, but really, i have no idea why matt took it off, so i won't.

Well, actually, it was moved to the BRoom for being almost as raunchy as a certain entry to WWYP3. That said, it was turned in on time and fits the prompt. Horrifyingly enough, it could have actually been a really good story with the right amount of time.

So, basically, there's nothing ostensibly holding the story back.

 

[McCloud]

But... raunch is good... I mean, it's bold, breaking internet boundaries, he's like the Duchamp of internet writing.

 

[Jam Stunna]

After reading the entries, I'm going to have to say that it's a tie between Jam Stunna and Tom. While Jam's was the best written of the entries, Tom's was the most interesting. It was one of the few times where I had to keep reading just to find out what happened. But, at the same time, Jam had some great descriptions and characterizations. All in all, one of those two guys will win.

Thanks. I've always sucked at plots, but I'm okay with characters. I've been a little busy lately, but I fully intend to read everyone's entry at some point.

 

[Tom]

Well, actually, it was moved to the BRoom for being almost as raunchy as a certain entry to WWYP3. That said, it was turned in on time and fits the prompt. Horrifyingly enough, it could have actually been a really good story with the right amount of time.

So, basically, there's nothing ostensibly holding the story back.

I only saw the story once, while it was still in CM and not the BRoom, but I'm fairly certain it was turned in two minutes late.

 

[Matt]

but I'm fairly certain it was turned in two minutes late.

Correct.

I win.

 

[Eor]

But as Matt himself edited it to add the WWYP tag, he validated it anyways. By adding the tag, Matt wavered the two minutes

 

[Matt]

I'm obsessive-compulsive and like consistency.

YOU CAN'T TAKE THIS WIN FROM ME JERK

 

[Eor]

But as you then moved it from the WWYP section into the Broom section, without any WWYP tags, you just caused more problems for yourself

 

[Xsyven]

If it had a WWYP tag in the BRoom, that would be inconsistent as well.

Matt's argument wins.

 

[McCloud]

Xsyv killed the WWYP

At any rate DCP:

I know it's in the girl's character, but I just didn't find it believable for her to be saying "the protagonist, the nemesis" etc cause no one says that unless they're writing a rhetorical analysis..

"we thanked that man the entire night, screaming out our praises"

maybe it's because I notice alliteration but it kind of served to distract me from reading which I think is detrimental..the first bit of alliteration was fine but the second kind of stopped suspension of disbelief

"If that girl down there is dead, than my vengeance will rain down upon that dastardly man and all his despicable ways!" Eh.

The thing about Benny's character, and his thing about being a sailor, is that it makes up such a small amount of the dialogue that I don't think it was given it's proper time and place, and for something that is so character defining I wish there was more time devoted to it, though that might be your intention to show how his character is hidden throughout the story.

I guess it's just the noir-style elements in the story that stick out to me. It reminded me of someone commenting on that particular style "The gravity of the situation made it so I can only speak in elaborate metaphors."

p.s. I still like the story a lot. Just small nuances of what stood out to me. If you had anything that bothered you from mine I'd love to hear it.

 

[demoncaterpie]

Xsyv killed the WWYP

At any rate DCP:

I know it's in the girl's character, but I just didn't find it believable for her to be saying "the protagonist, the nemesis" etc cause no one says that unless they're writing a rhetorical analysis..

"we thanked that man the entire night, screaming out our praises"

maybe it's because I notice alliteration but it kind of served to distract me from reading which I think is detrimental..the first bit of alliteration was fine but the second kind of stopped suspension of disbelief

"If that girl down there is dead, than my vengeance will rain down upon that dastardly man and all his despicable ways!" Eh.

The thing about Benny's character, and his thing about being a sailor, is that it makes up such a small amount of the dialogue that I don't think it was given it's proper time and place, and for something that is so character defining I wish there was more time devoted to it, though that might be your intention to show how his character is hidden throughout the story.

I guess it's just the noir-style elements in the story that stick out to me. It reminded me of someone commenting on that particular style "The gravity of the situation made it so I can only speak in elaborate metaphors."

p.s. I still like the story a lot. Just small nuances of what stood out to me. If you had anything that bothered you from mine I'd love to hear it.

I appreciate the tips McCloud!

Again, I was rushed when I wrote this, so certain parts of dialogue may not be exactly perfect. I agree with you on that particular line, since nobody really says "screaming out his praises" anyway.

I still like that one line though. I'm sorry you didn't like it

And to say that the fisherman part was character defining proved that you were fooled by the story. In reality, that fact became useless at the end of the book. Besides, he wasn't trying to remember that part of his life when he was talking to people, so he wouldn't mention it in a lot of dialogue.

The main idea here (and don't read this if you'd rather figure it out) is that it didn't matter if Benny was at sea or with Kyle. In both aspects, he was being controlled by something, whether is was a person or an entity. This ultimately leads to the theme (which I wont say here, because I hate saying my own themes).

About your story McCloud: My biggest problem with it is that there wasn't a lot to it. It was about a man writing letters to a girl who didn't exist. There were no real conflicts, and no real reason for me to feel connected to the main character.

Presenting the stories in letters was creative, but at the same time it made it kind of restricting. The ending tried to save it a little bit, but it just didn't seem right to me.

Also, the letters are relatively short, and they all pretty much say the same thing. The song was a nice touch, and sometimes was the only thing keeping me going (a kind of "have to know how it ends" kind of thing).

The ending was too much of a twist as well. It really seemed like it came out of nowhere. I know you probably spent a lot of time on it, but because of rushing through it or whatever, it came out gimmicky.

But you still wrote an interesting story. Your style was consistent, which is always great to see, and despite some downfalls the main character came out pretty interesting.

Good luck to ya dude!

 

[Mr.Lombardi34]

Will there be a separete thread after scoring to show who won and stuff?

So (hypatheticly) say I win the contest, how do you get your prizes, how do find a custom avatar? Does smash writer just come up under your name?

 

[Tom]

Will there be a separate thread after scoring to show who won and stuff?

So (hypothetically) say I win the contest, how do you get your prizes, how do find a custom avatar? Does smash writer just come up under your name?

They will be in the same results thread. You pick your custom avatar and tell them thats the one you want. Yes it just comes up under your name.

Yes.

 

[demoncaterpie]

Speaking of which, how's the judging coming along?

Is there a chance the scores will be posted this weekend? Or is that just too much wishful thinking?

 

[McCloud]

THOMAS DOES NOT LOVE MY MOTHER. Even though she is a very nice person.

That is all.

 

[Matt]

Due to internet problems (lol silly dad and his dsl) and poor planning (lol silly matt not saving the stories for offline) my scores and comments may be a tad late. I'm actually not on my computer at the moment. Now, where in the heck did I put my USB key?

 

[McCloud]

As long as Virg and Wobbles post theirs by Monday... I don't care about Matt. We all just want reviews.

 

[demoncaterpie]

As long as Virg and Wobbles post theirs by Monday... I don't care about Matt. We all just want reviews.

True dat!

 

[RDK]

Wait....the deadline was extended? 0_o

 

[Virgilijus]

ATTENTION EVERY ONE!

I have to go to stupid RA camp this weekend and the most of next. I have finished a couple of stories, but I probably won't be able to finish them all for at least another week. I'm really sorry about that, but there is no internet there (they enjoy the "break" from technology). So Matt and Wobbles, if you guys want to hold your scores to wait for me, go ahead but don't feel the least bit obliged.

Sorry for the inconvience

 

[McCloud]

BLOODY MURDER! REVOLUTION! RABBLE RABBLE!

I am most displeased. Hope Wobbles comes through

Virg you're catching a fair when you come home. A real life fair. :D