The Ultimate Comprehensive Guide to Johns: What are Johns, How to John, and more!

[Iron Thorn]

Those female Johns irritated me. REAL Female Johns:

- I've got cramps
- It's like 3 days before my period and you know what the hormones do to your brain
- You're a chauvinist pig
- Link/Ike/Marth was so hot that I couldn't concentrate
- You owe me chocolate

 

[Arkhn]

- I was warming up.
*after loosing again"
- I haven't played this game for months
*After loosing again*
- I have lost all my skills
or
- I would have beat you several months ago.
- Duuuude, i'm so hiiiigh...

 

[DMG]

"How come my character doesn't get a sword/weapon?"

"You beat me because you didn't spam punishable moves." <--- Lol someone said that to me at a tourney.

"I was too busy thinking about what I was gonna do after I win, that I forgot to beat you first."

 

[Hobobloke]

i got something in my eye

my ____ was itchy

my hand cramped up

my eyes hurt iv been playing too long

i just did a load of drugs and i couldnt concentrate with all the pretty colours and that pixie who was talking to me was distracting

the little voice inside me momentarily stopped telling me to burn things and told me to lose so i thought i should probably listen

 

[IWontGetOverTheDam]

My hands are wet/cold/warm/dry/sticky/sweaty/busy/amputated.

 

[Iron Thorn]

Artist Johns:

- I was studying the anatomy too much to fight well.
- Character XYZ's ABC color scheme offended my superior color sense and that screwed me up.
- Just because I paused every 15 seconds to do value studies does NOT mean you can knock the controller out of my hand!
- How am I supposed to do ATs with such gorgeous low lighting?
- I was imagining all the other characters in G&W/Toon Link's graphic style.
- Why the hell did you change to ZSS? I was trying to memorize how to draw the shine on metal!

 

[-Linko-]

 

[Iron Thorn]

Please tell me they sell this shirt somewhere.

PLEASE.

 

[25%Cotton]

this shirt is beautiful :D


and yeah, johnning after a victory is a pretty advanced tactic; it isn't void. you do it to both annoy your opponent and to make them feel even worse about losing. then they get really mad and lose more matches.

 

[NinjaFoxX]

id so buy that is SWF sold it

 

[Iron Thorn]

Victory johns:
- If you hadn't tripped that one time, you'd have won.
- My victory was a fluke.
- Dang, maybe I should start, you know, using this character on a semiregular basis.
- You would've won if this was Melee.
- Brawl takes no skill anyway.
- So? I won with Meta Knight, it doesn't count.

 

[25%Cotton]

Victory johns:
- If you hadn't tripped that one time, you'd have won.
- My victory was a fluke.
- Dang, maybe I should start, you know, using this character on a semiregular basis.
- You would've won if this was Melee.
- Brawl takes no skill anyway.
- So? I won with Meta Knight, it doesn't count.

also:

-DANG i screwed up BADLY there!
-i SO thought you were going to punish me for the kill!

 

[AtotheZ]

-I wanted to make you feel good about your self

 

[Yinlong]

pick up johns against girl gamers

-i got hit by ur fsmash because i was too busy staring at your gorgeous eyes

-your figure is so perfect, it distracted me

-i lost just to get sympathy from you.

 

[Al_Di_Medola]

i sigged you.

 

[BEES]

"-I took a bunch of heroin last night"

alright, I'm using this.

 

[Axelguy4realz]

-There is a Knife in my arm
-There is a ( Inert animal here) In my room
-My hot sister walked in naked so I was distracted
lol.

 

[IWontGetOverTheDam]

My hot sister walked in naked so I was distracted

.......Hooray for incest?

 

[mentosman8]

Haha this is an epic thread... I've definitely used a victory john of my hands being cold at the Gamestop tourney XD Definitely an epic john between my friends(although this was back in the Melee days) "You only won because you spammed Link's downstab!"

Also, my one friend the other night after a quick 3-way 2 stock match, "congratulations you beat Sonic pretty much the worst character ever" after me winning with Kirby

 

[Johnthegalactic]

I think I have the right to John without persecution, I mean, it is my name, don't wear it out...

 

[GreatClayMonkey]

.......Hooray for incest?

No, WINcest. Ok never mind its still f'ed up.
ANYWAY, this thread rules.

 

[Anth0ny]

"Can't play today, there was a PROPANE TANK EXPLOSION that shut down the highway."

Legendary.

 

[momochuu]

I'd kill my dog for that shirt.

 

[Iron Thorn]

pick up johns against girl gamers

-i got hit by ur fsmash because i was too busy staring at your gorgeous eyes

-your figure is so perfect, it distracted me

-i lost just to get sympathy from you.

What if she's using Ike?

 

[Suntan Luigi]

Then you'll get no sympathy from her!

 

[Tomkraven]

My gf gave me crabs so my **** was too sored for playing well.

 

[IvoryFlame]

This is my favorite:

"It's just a game. I don't see why you care so much."

 

[¯\_S.(ツ).L.I.D._/¯]

I'd totally buy this shirt. For sho.

 

[PCHU]

I'd totally buy this shirt. For sho.

I should, simply because I main Ike.
And don't listen to the thing beside my name.
It LIES.

But is it me, or is tripping becoming more and more frequent?
I've been tripping at least once per match.
I've gotten like 5 trips in one match.
What the heck?
I can't complain, I didn't get killed.

 

[IWontGetOverTheDam]

^It's just the opposite for me. I almost never trip.

Maybe Sakurai created some secret DLC that increases the frequency of tripping.

 

[MysticKenji]

It sounds like PCHU just has bad luck.

John: "I have crappy luck"/"I tripped alot"/"How the **** does a robot trip?"

 

[PCHU]

^ You're probably right, but even thought my friend was RIGHT NEXT TO ME CHARGING FSMASH, he MISSED.
Well, I just rolled away at the last second, came back and PWNed him in his lag.

^It's just the opposite for me. I almost never trip.

Maybe Sakurai created some secret DLC that increases the frequency of tripping.

Knowing Sakurai, he probably did.

I sometimes john when I win.
-Wow, I wasn't even trying.
-That was an accident.
-That was a bad match-up....for me.
-The worst part is that I don't even main him/her.
-I didn't even use ATs.
-I didn't know that dair sends you straight down.
-I was trying to recover and you got in the way.

 

[PKSkyler]

"I was going easy on you"
"I wasnt trying"

 

[MPH Deku]

"Ah, my Wavebird disconnected!"

 

[IWontGetOverTheDam]

"Ah, my Wavebird disconnected!"

Know what's really awesome? What that happens during a tournament. *couch cough*

 

[kainsword]

Wow, now that I read these, I realized now that I john A LOT.

Ugh, I must seem like such a whiney brat when I lose. Now that I recall, my friends rarely john after the match. I'm so horrible...

 

[Serris]

-You moved really quickly! It distracted me!

I've had someone say that before. And it's referring to me in person, not in-game.

 

[Samuelson]

-I couldn't concentrate because my penus hurts so much from jacking the bean stalk all day today

^^^

I get that John all the time.

 

[Guilhe]

Wow, so many excuses! I know that somewhere John must be very proud of us.

 

[IvoryFlame]

-I just don't care.
-I can't focus.
-Samuel L .Jackson was fighting a snake in my room.
-I have bubonic plague.
-I'm busy fighting a zombie hoarde.
-I couldn't tell if I was controlling Popo or Nana.
--Where the %$^& were my pikmin?!?