Hello everyone.
I'm so sorry about the panick attack I had yesterday, It truly was an awful day (and an awful amount of weeks) and It took me all down and made me lose Hope on myself. But just half an hour ago, I had a realization about how I look at myself and my whole view changed.
Still feeling like I don't belong near sane people, I decided to lay down and watch some videos on YouTube by a spanish YouTube called AuronPlay and a few other ones by Pyrocynical about people who did a lot of awful stuff.
I saw a young asshole who misstreated his Cats and gave poor people on the street oreos filled with Toothpaste while claiming "It would teach them to brush their teeth", a rich kid who did nothing but annoy youtubers and even the parents of popular soccer players such as Messi just to look cool on the internet, people who send death threads and other menaces to youtubers with loud noises and a dude who faked his girlfriend's death on YouTube just to get clicks and attention.
Seeing all that, I had a realization and after so many awful days thought to myself: "No JD. You, aren't the worst thing which has happened to this planet and deserve nothing of what is happening. You are someone who owns to his mistakes, tries to improve over them and actually tries for real to help the people around you and make them feel better. These people you are watching are doing awful stuff to other people, making others feel bad and even worse all while thinking they are contributing something to society."
And with that, It finally came together: there's nothing wrong with temporarily dropping out of college until you feel better about yourself. Even if your aunt gets pissed at It, It will still be a choice which will help my well being, and doesn't hurt anyone who I care about seriously.
Since I'm finally starting to see the light and valuing myself more, I feel I don't have to delete my Smashboards account anymore. I may not be perfect, I may make mistakes which as times may slightly frustrate people... But so is the case with everyone else. And I'm more than ever before, confident that I will never find myself doing any of the awful stuff I've seen those awful people do on said videos, and that even if I keep making mistakes I will still try my deep best to improve over them to become an even better person.