I hate to use this place as some kind of dumpster for my emotional bull**** but screw it! I just need to vent, because this kind of negative emotions cause nothing but a torrent of suicidal depression when suppressed.
A like a girl. A lot. We've known each other for a year, and today we went out with a bunch of friends. My original intention was to be just the two of us but she misunderstood me (japanese is a very indirect language) and invited some people at work, so dang it let's roll with it, I thought. So today everything was well at first, we then went to karaoke, and one guy who just started this week at work who initially wasn't with us arrived there. She drank a lot, and then got very cuddly with this guy, and they spent the rest of the night cuddling with each other. What started out as a pleasant night became hell for me. I wanted to leave that place but I had to stay until the end because it was all my idea. After a couple of torturous hours it was finally over.
So yeah, this guy appears out of nowhere and apparently made an advance out of a sudden. And you know what makes me angry the most? It was all my fault. I waited. I built a friendship with her over time and wasn't too sure about what to do next. Why, you ask? Short answer: Because I'm a ****ing idiot.
When I finally took my step, this guy comes and rains on my parade, royally. He accomplished what I couldn't over a year in less than a week of knowing her, and I can't help but being mad at myself for not clearing my intentions with her from the very beginning.
I hope, God I hope that all is not lost yet. It's possible that it was just because of the moment of drunkness between the two. Right now, I have nothing but fear on my chest. But I'm also determined. I see her again on Tuesday, and I'll clarify my intentions and feelings for her once and for all, no more beating around the bushes and vague meanings. She will understand what I plan to say, since I'll take a more aggressive approach. Because I have to know for sure rather than wondering forever. I'm NOT allowing myself for tuesday to come and go without doing this.
And this guy, he is below me since I'm his "senpai" at work so to speak. So I have to teach him and be professional when dealing with him. God, that it's going to be difficult and awkward. He is almost as tall as I am, and I'm pretty sure I could take him but that's besides the point.