People are too obsessed with finding a romantic partner

[GwJ]

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I read stuff on Reddit, Facebook, and other social networking sites and I often see stuff like "I'm so lonely because I have no woman in my life" or some other kind of statement revolving around being upset/depressed/lonely because they have no partner.


However, I feel that's the wrong way to go about yourself. While I don't know enough about these people to assert I know anything about their life, you'd be amazed how similar peoples' lives are in regards to specific qualities of life when they're subscribed to some of the same sub-reddits. I'm going to take a guess that these people who are lonely because they don't have a partner ALSO don't really have that many friends.


I was, for a while, a bit depressed because I was worried I'd never find a partner, settle down, have kids, and do the whole shebang. I came to a realization that there's more to life than doing what everyone else does and getting married young and having kids. Sure, you might be missing out on romantic love, but the (excuse me if I start to sound a bit cheesy) love you give and receive to other people in your life, your friends for example, can be just as powerful as romantic love if you let it.


I don't have many friends, and I have even fewer close friends. But for the first time in my life since I was in elementary school, I can say I have a best friend again. It's been 10 years since I've had a friend I'd trust with my life, but I have one now. We don't hang out much outside of work, but he's my best friend and I love him. I would feel confident putting my life in his hands. And all my other friends, the few of them at least, I know they appreciate who I am and get joy out of who I am and I get joy out of who they are. For that, I love them.


When I feel lonely for not having a partner in my life, I quickly smack myself out of it by remembering I do have people I love and people who love me in life and I carry on with my day content with that fact.

Just a quick thought I had when I was browsing the web.

 

[Claire Diviner]

The problem with people like that is they're very impatient and desperate for "love", that when they do see an opportunity to date someone, they go head first into it without properly knowing the person, just to later regret dating them. The thing they need to learn is patience; it bothers me when people in their teens and 20s feel so down when they're so young. Relationships will almost certainly happen for nearly everyone, and that's what they don't seem to understand, as if the saying "there's plenty of fish in the sea" has never been heard.

I never cared much for being in a relationship myself, and when I least expected it, I find myself in a committed relationship with my partner. That's what people need to do; just live day-to-day and not focus on worrying about romance. When they do that, that's when someone will find them. Another important thing is to actually get to know the person before making anything official, that way they know who it is they're dating. That's my view. It's a simple view, I'm sure, but that's just how romance work.

 

[Big-Cat]

@Diviner
I remember being given similar advice from a friend of mine. Just let things fall into place. Funny though how some guys say me talking to girls is hitting on them when there's nothing to it.

Personally, I've yet to even date someone, but it doesn't bother me much. When she shows up, I'll know.

 

[Jam Stunna]

I don't know, reproduction is a biological imperative. Impatience in the face of that seems natural.

Spoiler

Don't take this post too seriously

 

[Teran]

It is pretty much one of our most basic instincts, can't really hold it against people.

 

[ndayday]

Just another reason why us humans are cursed. Why does our brain have to be so big?

 

[Holder of the Heel]

There is a significant difference between being alone and being lonely. Most people cannot respect solitude or silence, particularly in a world addicted with fun and amusement. This is a society where being boring or not fun can be worse than being considered immoral, ugly, or stupid, for the latter three will still find friends and love notwithstanding. It also doesn't help that our culture is obsessed with love, it is not hard to imagine people growing up seeing themselves as either nothing or half a person without a beloved. Hell, even I grew up this way, it took till AFTER high school graduation for me to finally understand that I didn't need it to be a satisfied, whole person. This is also coming from a person who has very few friends, none of them close.

 

[Life]

As someone increasingly stuck in this trap I can say that it's harder than you make it sound. You are effectively telling a depressed person to not be depressed. (I don't consider myself depressed, it's a comparison.)

 

[KRDsonic]

I'll be honest, I can't say that I know what it's like to be in the shoes of someone that desperate for a relationship, but those kind of people do get on my nerves at times. I've met people who talk about how lonely they are and that all they want is love and then later they ask me out and get mad when I say no. And there have been a couple times where people have come to me asking for advice on how to get my ex to fall for them and then they wonder why I stop talking to them. Do these people not think?

I have learned that it seems like the less interested you are in a relationship, the more people there are that ask you out. So the more desperate you come across for wanting one, the more people will avoid you. Or you'll end up with someone for a month and then it'll end fast because you rushed into something with someone that wasn't really right for you.

 

[GwJ]

As someone increasingly stuck in this trap I can say that it's harder than you make it sound. You are effectively telling a depressed person to not be depressed. (I don't consider myself depressed, it's a comparison.)

Not quite. It's an observation that certain people seem to have a one-track mind and can't see the other options around them.

 

[Jim Morrison]

I have learned that it seems like the less interested you are in a relationship, the more people there are that ask you out.

I can attest that this is not true.

 

[TSM ZeRo]

Maaaaaaaan, mad guilty here, haha.

But yes, you're right.

Honestly, it's all about about appreciating what you have. I don't feel bad about this anymore. I have wonderful people around me. Wonderfiul friends. And wonderful family. I was just stupid to look in the wrong side all this time. When everyone who liked me was on the other side.

 

[KRDsonic]

I can attest that this is not true.

You sure? Maybe I worded it weird. I meant as in, people who do nothing other than go around saying "I want a relationship, why can't I find one" usually have more trouble finding one because the primary thing people know about them is "They want a relationship and haven't found one yet, there's probably a reason they can't find one." They don't really get to know the person that well. Yet if you're more laid back and aren't making it apparent all the time that you're looking for someone and instead you act yourself more, then it's common to have people fall for you because they get to know the real you. At least that's my experience.

Or maybe it's different for women, I don't know. I only know how gay relationships work.

 

[Holder of the Heel]

I can attest to what KRDsonic is saying. In my senior class of high school, the year I felt least compelled to be in a relationship, was the year more people wanted to date me than all of the other years prior combined.

 

[Firus]

In fairness, I wouldn't really say that it's entirely any individual's fault. I definitely think there are people who are too aggressive about wanting a relationship, and end up either putting people off by doing so or just ending up in bad relationships, but the general mindset in society is that you have to get married and have kids. At the very least, it's expected that you have a romantic relationship of some sort. So when people are unhappy because they feel lonely, even if getting (better) friends might solve their issues, they're generally inclined to think that a relationship might solve it.

Worse yet is the attitude that other people get. Even if you're okay with not being in a relationship, the social pressure tends to be pretty pervasive. A few years back, I told a friend that I didn't want to get married or have kids (something which I think has changed, but still), and he was appalled. Relationships are built to be this huge part of the human experience. Love songs are everywhere, even movies that don't revolve around romance often have a romantic subplot, etc. Even worse, in this day and age, people are even more obnoxious about their relationships, and everybody can see who's in a relationship or not through bloody Facebook. And then that leads to pressure, either by friends or family, to be in a relationship. People are always curious if you're into anybody, and if you claim not to be, then that girl you happen to be really good friends with must be somebody you secretly do have the hots for.

Basically, what I'm getting at is that, while it's nice and easy to say that people should be happy without a relationship, it isn't an individual mindset. Since people are ingrained with this mentality through their entire life, it's a bit harder to get rid of than just telling people "Be happy without a relationship!" Some people could definitely use to tone the desperate down, but the desire itself is something I don't think is that easily muted.

You sure? Maybe I worded it weird. I meant as in, people who do nothing other than go around saying "I want a relationship, why can't I find one" usually have more trouble finding one because the primary thing people know about them is "They want a relationship and haven't found one yet, there's probably a reason they can't find one." They don't really get to know the person that well. Yet if you're more laid back and aren't making it apparent all the time that you're looking for someone and instead you act yourself more, then it's common to have people fall for you because they get to know the real you. At least that's my experience.

Or maybe it's different for women, I don't know. I only know how gay relationships work.

I'm going to say that it's the way you worded that, because I'd agree with most of what you're saying here, but I wouldn't agree with your initial wording. I think when people are really obvious about wanting a relationship, they tend to have more trouble finding one. But that doesn't automatically mean that you're more likely to have people falling for you if you're not obvious about it. I either haven't been looking for a relationship or haven't been upfront about the fact that I was for years now, and I've had all of one person express a desire to date me. I guess that could just be me, though.

 

[Elyssa Xey Hexen]

Despite us having "organized" society between people I would lean towards there being some sort of basic desire that tends to get passed between generations. Its likely not something to be easily eliminated.

I suppose its best to go with the flow.

 

[Muhti]

Finding a partner?

lol I would rather live a single life. I could advance through my politic career without some nagger.

 

[GunmasterLombardi]

You know there's a clear difference between a girl and a woman and now that I realise that I interested in WOMEN, graduating high school without a girlfriend doesn't seem like a bad thing at all. Most girls are silly and have their priorities messed up.

I have no plans for premarital sex nor any plans for marriage for a very long time. I have plenty of friends and a few are potentially close ones, and I just want to spend time with a variety of people in both genders.

 

[deepseadiva]

I have plenty of friends and a few are potentially close ones, and I just want to spend time with a variety of people in both genders.

I'm so proud of smashboards in this thread.

 

[fkacyan]

Most people obsessed with finding a "romantic partner" want one of two things:

- Just to be in a relationship. Society encourages this as the "thing to do" so it's ingrained that you should be, even if you're not ready for it.
- Somebody to have sex with on a regular basis

Very, very few people actually subscribe to the healthy notion of your romantic partner also being your best friend and closest confidant, which I don't really get, but hey! Keeps divorce lawyers in business.

 

[Jam Stunna]

Most people obsessed with finding a "romantic partner" want one of two things:

- Just to be in a relationship. Society encourages this as the "thing to do" so it's ingrained that you should be, even if you're not ready for it.
- Somebody to have sex with on a regular basis

Very, very few people actually subscribe to the healthy notion of your romantic partner also being your best friend and closest confidant, which I don't really get, but hey! Keeps divorce lawyers in business.

Why is it wrong to just want regular sex?
Why is your definition of a relationship actually healthier?
Why does romantic partner mean (or necessarily have to lead to) marriage/divorce?
Why should my romantic partner be my best friend? Isn't that what I have friends for?
What if I want to talk about the things I don't like about my romantic partner? Should I confide those in her too?

That post is so loaded with romanticized notions about relationships that it literally weighs down whatever point you're actually trying to make.

 

[fkacyan]

Why is it wrong to just want regular sex?
Why is your definition of a relationship actually healthier?
Why does romantic partner mean (or necessarily have to lead to) marriage/divorce?
Why should my romantic partner be my best friend? Isn't that what I have friends for?
What if I want to talk about the things I don't like about my romantic partner? Should I confide those in her too?

That post is so loaded with romanticized notions about relationships that it literally weighs down whatever point you're actually trying to make.

Going to respond to these out of order and ignore some for redundancy.

Why is it wrong to just want regular sex?

What is "regular sex"? How many people are capable of active, regular physical relationships without getting emotionally involved? Will both peoples' expectations be the same? In almost all cases I have seen myself or have been told about, the answer to the second is "almost none" and the third is "No." Sex is chemically linked to emotional involvement in our brain, and will generally create a dependence or desire for stability that will differ between both people and won't be healthy for the relationship outside of the sex.

Why should my romantic partner be my best friend? Isn't that what I have friends for?
What if I want to talk about the things I don't like about my romantic partner? Should I confide those in her too?

This is the most important part of your post. Communication is the most important aspect of healthy and successful intimate / romantic relationships and is the basis for trusting the other person and not building resentment. Yes, you should absolutely tell your SO about the things you don't like about them. Odds are they wouldn't mind working on changing a little bit for you! Or maybe the things you don't like are things you should work on not disliking. It's specific to the situation, and is completely based on communicating.

And if you're communicating well about everything, odds are you end up being best friends just by osmosis, so to speak.

The number of successful relationships I've seen in my life without these things is precisely zero. And, unfortunately, I've seen quite a few relationships fail, including two of my own to gain a basis for what I'm saying.

Maybe there are some people who can make purely physical relationships work, or people who can somehow find stable happiness without good communication, but I've yet to meet one.

 

[Jam Stunna]

I just think that it's important to keep in mind that there are other kinds of relationships outside of the marriage track kind, and that "romantic partner" is a broad term that can encompass all of those various relationships.

Also, your avatar is amazing.

 

[fkacyan]

I just think that it's important to keep in mind that there are other kinds of relationships outside of the marriage track kind, and that "romantic partner" is a broad term that can encompass all of those various relationships.

Also, your avatar is amazing.

Fair enough.

And yeah, I don't remember where I got the pic I shopped into this avatar but it's one of my favorites.

 

[Teran]

Finding a partner?

lol I would rather live a single life. I could advance through my politic career without some nagger.

Nosir. The general voting population is far more likely to vote for a family man.