This may be ******** of me to do, but I feel I should, especially when faced with the options in front of me and my own issues...
I'm sorry. I overreacted. I have a lot of emotional problems that I suppress, but a lot of recent events have broken my control on my emotions. Starting in November of last year, I got evicted along with my father due to him losing his job and being injured. I haven't seen him since then, and he's been the most significant influence in my life. Not having him with me is hard. I then got evicted again by Rigel's mom randomly, forcing me to change schools and move in with my grandparents. Around this time, stuff got really bad between me and a good friend I had a crush on named DugFinn. I was in a huge slump in life. I sort of bounced back, but the stress of taking care of two elderly people that are often confused and helpless is rather hard to deal with, my aunt and I always fight because she's also stubborn and arrogant like I am, my brother is in jail, my mother went through drug addiction problems and can no longer drive, and I'm bogged down by work and school. I've had four significant friendships fall apart on me in the last two months or so. The first one was Vinnie, the second one was a long-time friend going way back before Smash named Ivan, then ksizzle started to get very angry with me, and the final one that just happened recently was Zucco. I can't say it's all their fault, either. I'm definitely at least half of the problem.
I've always struggled with acceptance my entire life. I can clearly remember it even back in elementary school. I'm talented at whatever I put any effort into. I've always had high grades. I'm highly intelligent with an I.Q. in the 130's. I do a lot of good for people in general and am a caring person. Despite this, I've always struggled to be accepted due to my arrogance and stubbornness, and it's hard to just change that about myself. My superiority to those around me as I was growing up and the realization that I was just smarter than most people and better at stuff created the arrogance within me. I honestly hate being hated. It hurts so much. In fact, it hurts so much that I often make it worse just to spite myself, and if I can't be accepted positively, I'll try to force myself to matter negatively because that's better than being ignored and forgotten.
I can't create my own happiness, or at least I struggle immensely when I try to. I like doing good things for people, because seeing their smiles and hearing their laughter shows me what happiness is and I can sort of feel it. I also know what I'm doing is right according to society and it just feels right in general, so I do it.
I have a lot of inner wrath and hatred in me due to constantly being rejected throughout my life. When someone actually accepts me, I get clingy and obsessive because of how rare it is and how much I want to hold onto it, but that sometimes makes people push me away. My parents had a terrible divorce when I was younger and my mom married an abusive man. It got to the point where I left for my dad and began to live with him when I was fifteen. I went to a rather bad school with scary people around when I lived with my mom, so that was another thing that bothered me a lot. I became a hermit to avoid those bad kids and my stepfather.
I have a lot of feminine emotional traits. I guess it comes with liking dudes? I don't know how to explain it. You're all guys. I can understand girls and I hate having feminine emotional traits, which is part of why I often hate on girls. I'm hating on myself and trying to hide and reject something about myself. I should just accept that I'm a teenage girl emotionally and try to deal with it and let others know.
When faced with rejection and a strong feeling of being wronged by someone, I overreact because I'm emotional and have very strong feelings in general. Usually the evil part of myself I keep suppressed, the part of me that wants to hurt others and takes joy in the sorrow of others, can take over during this time. I will say and do ridiculous stuff. Some of it is legitimate, while some of the things I say I'll do are bluffs, and even I don't know what's what sometimes. I go crazy because I don't know how to cope and get overwhelmed. I just want to lash out. I seriously don't know how to deal with these feelings at times and just want to release them somehow, and often being evil is the only way I can think of when the other people involved refuse to compromise or settle anything.
Perhaps some of you now have a better understanding of why I am the way I am and what motivates me to do what I do. I beg your understanding when it comes to my problems. I want to be good and always change for the better, but it's hard and I don't feel that I'm strong enough to do it on my own. I'm opening up to the Smash community because it's the community I've been in the longest. I've seen every single member of the active NJ Smash scene join the community. I started before all of you and I'm still around. There's a certain attachment there, and a certain significance you all have to me.
I've broken down in tears three times in the last two weeks, and before that I only cried one other time in my life. I was suicidal last weekend. This is serious. I'm not kidding about how messed up I am right now. I have a lot of pent up sadness and wrath in me right now that is killing any happiness or desire to be good. I hate it.
Vinnie, I'm sorry. I overreacted with you a while ago when you were giving me sound advice because I felt that you weren't trying to help me but instead were trying to make things worse. I was an idiot blinded by a stupid obsession. I brought up something you didn't want me to bring up and threatened you with something terrible and I should not have done that. I'm disappointed in myself for doing that. I want to make amends with you and be given a chance to be a good friend and a good person to you somehow. I want the awkward tension between us to go away, for us and for our mutual friends that are clearly bothered by it. Hate is bad. Let's bury the hatchet and find some common ground, find a compromise that isn't immature, cowardly, or hateful. I'm willing to speak with you and work things out so we can go back to talking about Brawl and messing around with funny stuff.
Kelvin, I'm sorry for arguing with you and I'm sorry for dragging you into the drama when I was feeling overly depressed. I put you in a bad situation out of desperation when I shouldn't have. I was being selfish and tried to use your influence with Vinnie and Zucco and you're own caring and stubborn nature to get you to fix something for me when I should have been a man and fixed it myself. You shouldn't have to be involved with this when you're so focused on making your life right and improving yourself. Beneath your anger and random hurtful comments, I know you're a good person, and this is because I share a lot of traits with you. Good luck in your life. I'm ready to talk to you when you are so we can be cool again and I can practice with you and just be normal once more.
Zucco, I saved you for last, because I have the most to say to you and this is the most significant issue I've been dealing with right now. You were most certainly wrong in a lot of things, and even though I'm the one apologizing right now, that can't be ignored. I've been hurt by you despite my kind actions and good intentions. However, I am very forgiving and would love for everything to go back to normal and I am willing to strive for such a thing and work towards it. I'm sorry for being overbearing and forceful. Due to my elitist nature, I tried to force my values upon you and force you to do adult things you are most likely not ready for. My care turned into annoyance and I was often insulting and degrading. By the time I lightened up, it was already too late because your mind perceived me as annoying. I should have been more accepting of who you are like a real friend should, but I failed you in that regard. I got too close, too quickly, because I developed feelings due to being bisexual and such a thing being possible for me with other boys. This made you uncomfortable, and I'm very sorry for that. Instead of being honest right away and trying to deal with the feelings quickly, I let it escalate into too much and it's part of why this mess happened. You lashed out in order to push me away because you couldn't cope with it another way, and I can't really blame you when I have my own coping issues that are worse than yours. I don't just want to, I need to make things be right again. It's important to me. It's how I can stop stressing and find some emotional relief. I'm sorry for ever hurting you or annoying you. I'm sorry for my improper approach and overbearing nature. I want to forgive you for anything you've done to me so I can put away my negative feelings. I don't want to regret being kind to you. I know you're worth it. I just really feel you are even though I certainly don't have romantic feelings right now.
All of you, please give me a chance to be your friend again. I don't expect immediate forgiveness or amazing friendships right away. Just try to understand me and forgive me and work something out. If we can at least bury the negativity and settle it, we can create the chance for a real friendship to grow if such a thing is destined to happen. If it does, that's great. If it doesn't, at least there's no hate and we can be cool without any problems. I'm sure this is agreeable for all.
Doom, Atomsk, Izumi, Kai, and others I've confided in and dragged into this, I'm sorry, and I sincerely thank you for being there for me. I might be dead or in jail otherwise, or who knows what else. You are true friends and I love you all.
