Super_Sonic8677
Smash Lord
Link to original post: [drupal=3065]Misery...My First Real Blog[/drupal]
I've been racking my mind over whether or not to post this..I said I would do it, didn't like it when someone did it for me and probably will regret doing it after I've done it, especially if anyone I know in real life or know online who also knows people I know in real life see this..
I really don't know what I want out of this either...but I'm heart literally feels like it's being crushed ( which also gives you and idea of what this will be about) today and maybe telling about it will give me some relief..
But..so many other people all ready have their own problems and have posted them..it's becoming a reccuring theme on here right now for user blogs...oh well I guess another one to add to the list..
If you can't get through the whole thing..at least start at the yellow..
So hi there, my name is...Ben short and easy to remember. Kinda sucks because my name's so easy to remember but I have trouble remembering names lol.
I was born in a little town or maybe not so little in PA,called Bethlehem. I say that because I have absolutely no memmories of that place. Shortly after I was born my parents moved up to Norfolk, New York where my dad's dad and family owned a grocery store. We stayed there for a couple years, I don't have very memories of that place either. My Mom hated as she felt like her life was being completely run over do to the abrasive and pushiness of my dad's family, especially my grandparents.
A little over two years after staying up there my little sister was born up at Maseena hospital, she was a very, very loud child as a baby. My dad having fought with his family, for some reason or another he wanted to take over the store, and his little sister(both in terms of age and size), my aunt and the person running it, literally kicked his ***, and my Mom tired of being driven all over the place....we moved down to the little village, yes village of Gillett. It's not empahisis is on the first syllable though unlike the what's most likely coming to your mind as you read this.
The place is where most of my life I have lived. We started off in a little trailer by some friend of my Grandmother(my Mom's side) and that's where we resided for a few months maybe about a year. Bony the friend was a carpenter, at least on the side and made me wooden trains and stuff. He was a really cool guy and I wish I would have gotten to know him better when I got older. Sadly he passed away later and so I will never have that opportunity.
My Mom's mother was currently residing in a house near there and decided to move out and live elsewhere. I don't remember the details, but I think it was related to wanting to help out my great grandmother by moving in with her.
She pratically gave the house away at a price of 15 grand. On the otherside though...the house was a disaster. On top of not taking care of the place and just letting it run down to the ground, she was a collector...of cats. And like a typical collector she had a ton of them and they did whatever they wanted. The house was disgusting. plastered and filthy from years of animals "relieving themselves" wherever they pleased and other things.
I was 3 at the time. With the help of my mom's entire relevent family and my dad, we got the place cleaned out and made into something livable.
For about 4 years after we got there I was a happy child. Went to a daycare/prechool like place and made friends, had a cool best friend who had the same passion I had at the time for legos and making rediculously complex things out of them. I was a pretty smart child. Don't really know what happened to that part lol.
Though I didn't undertand love back then at all(I did watch lots of disney movies though and sort of understand that idea of love lol) I even had a girl I really liked to play and hang out with.
My mom was pretty happy most of the time and though her temper was kinda short if you did something wrong, she got over things very fast.
And my dad, he was just a ton of fun do do all kinds of things with. He was the kind of awesome dad like you see in sob story movies who ends up dying or some **** like that.
But things started to change some point between me being 6-7
My dad started not being the fun, happy person he used to be. Angry because of one thing or another. Doing embarrassing things in public, like fighting with a Mcdonald's employee over a minor easily fixable problem and blowing it way out of proportion. Or one time I can remember we were getting groceries at Bilo and my little sister saw a container with Brownies, she was such a cute soft spoken child back then. (once she hit like two she went from being very loud to very quiet) Mom said yes, and she went over to the counter, grabbed them and placed them up on the register. My dad came around just as she was putting them on the register. He literally screamed at my little sister for doing it. My mom telling him that she had give her permission made no difference. I don't remember what was said or what happened after..just that image of her being screamed at like that..
Shortly before or after then, my dad discovered Reformed Protestantism. An obscure, small and far away sect of christianity that had shunned many others, seeing itself as a much purer form of the religion. The "main" pastor of this church resided in Canada at the time. I may or may not go into the details of it, but I will give you my dad's take on it to start with.
He was the head of the household and as such his word was law under the church's/ government's and only under the government's as long as what the government said was compliant to the churche's views.
This means, he could do whatever he wanted to whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted, however he wanted pretty much without any need to respect anyone else's feelings or thought's on any subject or matter at hand.
On top of that we lost the ability to celebrate any of the holidays that had any religious meaning behind them as they were seen as sinfull or erronious by our church.
No Easter, No Valentine's day, No Thanksfgiving(that one doesn't even make sense in that context but we lost that one too anywaylol) and No Christmas.
Santa didn't exist anymore. At this time I was 7ish, my sister was 5 and my cousin who, we were in constant contact with even to this day was 3.
My Mom's side of the family was absolutely furious. Christams was a HUGE, HUGE thing for my mom's side of the family. It was like a big family reunion every year. Everyone would get together and have fun and share stories of their lives and all the normal christmas stuff of course.
All because of some obscure version of a religion none of them had never really held to. Needless to say..to this day every single one of them, aside from my grandmother's cousin's family has and will always have absolutely nothing to do with any religion of any kind.
My Mom fought it hard, she even went back up on her own with us to my dad's family, the people she couldn't stand to get away. But this only lasted a couple months..my mom's wasn't very strong back then as far as wil power and conviction goes..after being persuaded by both him and the pastor from canada she came back after a couple months..
Where things proceeded to continue to go downhill from there.
My dad became more micro managing, obsessive and just mean.
Depite our rediculously low mortgage, due to the job my dad had chosen to work in. A small no name insurance company that had no benefits of any kind of than the fact that you were essentially your own boss. You didn't sell anything, you didn't make money.
My mom started working cleaning houses, and eventually transitioned to working exclusively at the Bed and Breakfast a big house that had been turned into a motel by my great aunt,who also is no longer with us. She's often spend entire days working there cleaning the entire house.
How we loathed whenever she would leave, because as bad as he was when she was there..he was much, much worse whenever we were alone with him.
I remember one time me and my sister were folding the laundery on the floor and I was sitting on one side and she was on the other. He told me to move and he pointed where. I though I had put myself where he had wanted. And when he walked back in and saw me where I was sitting...well it wasn't what he wanted lets just say. lol
When I was old enough to go to school I was given a choice by my mom as to whether or not to go to public school. I was a shy and introverted child at this point and decided to be homeschooled instead. Why one would give a child that age that choice is kinda beyond me but..
And so homeschooled I was and I lived my life doing things and going through **** like the things listed above about everyday. And then..it got worse..
When I was around 10, my dad, burst a disc in his back while working because he was too lazy to get his *** out of the car and so contorted himself in a impossible way to try to reach something on the floor behind his chair.
Even though he could have had surgery done and a relatively low risk one at that, he decided to stay with his left arm immobilized and himself unable to get a job.
Now there was no escape from him, we had to deal with him 24/7. My mom would fight with him often and get at first get things like" Watch your tonge, It's not your place, You will Submit" and other's when he would lose an arguement, but mostly that was his response to anything she said that he didn't agree with. He also got a new punishment device for us. An elastic rod which he would use whenever we didn't do things exactly as he desired or even if we did sometimes if that was the kind of mood he was in.
Why my mom didn't leave or so something is beyond me...it's like those abusive relationships you see on tv..only it's not tv..He didn't ever touch her but the verbal abuse.. Rediculous does not fit but it's the first thing that came to mind..
Her family to this day does not know the extent of which he took things. My grandmother and my mom's brother both are pretty blunt and very short tempered people. They would have truely killed him had they known what was going on. Probably part of why she didn't do much anything.
My grandmother is stronger than most men even today, My uncle who used to frequent the gym and when he did benched well over 300 pounds and could not move her arm when they had an arm wrestling contest a few years back, something she brags about from time to time.lol She didn't try to win, but her arm did not move no matter how hard he tried. It was funny as hell to watch her all calm and with a big grin on her face while he turned beat red and started getting veins popping out while he tried to get even an inch on her lol
She could only be stronger back when the majority of this crap was going on. One time she was at our house. We were trying to get our new vcr working.
It was a sunday. Now if you had been reading up to this point you know my dad is a religious nut. Sunday was a no go for anything.
His response was to not do anything and that we had better stop what we were doing and do it tomorrow. Him and Mom started fighting and eventually Grammy got pissed and actually pinned him against a wall at the neck in a choke hold. He cooled off really fast but still would not do anything. But yeah they all hated him and still strongly dislike him.
Back to the sunday thing now that he had all this freetime to do things he started buying books. ****loads of books. And we would sit at the table for sometimes 2 or 3 hours at a sitting going through books that people in college or maybe highschool would look through. And we'd have two or three of these "sittings" a sunday.
Fast forward a few years, I've spent the majority of my life at this point as the target of the abuse that he felt so inclined to give and it hit it's worst at this point. I won't go into the details on this one i will just say that after it happened the second time my mom told me if he looked like he was going to do it again to just run away and get her or if she was not there to just run outside and stay away until she came back or he calmed down.
After this point once I discovered it was "Wrong" for something like to happen, (duh right? we were so brainwashed you wouldn't believe how stupid you can really be..) I secretly started building up my body and making myself stronger. About this time school was getting harder match especially. We were moving into algebra..we ended up doing match for the summer. We jokingly now call the "summer of hell". He would get us up whenever he felt like, oftentimes as early as 4:30 in the morning and we would sit there until 5-7 at night working on problems in the math books we had. Insane isn't it? My talked to previously mentioned Pastor from canada about it and he said that he didn't really know either way. He wasn't doing anything explicity "sinfull" so there really wasn't much anything that could be done. We made it through and fall came by mom made it a point that this would not happen again, regardless of the church's support. This and the thing mentioned before my mom started getting more aware..or at least stronger willed.
The summer of hell over I was a teenager 14 or 15 I forget. Another thing about this church of ours..because like I said they had seperated themselves from many other denominations, members could absolutely not be involved romantically with anyone outside of the church.
Well I did actually did start meeting some of the people that were members of our church at this point. Unlike the twisted and screwed up lives we had lives we had lived, these familes were pretty much normal.
They even had things like earings and odd dyed hair Lol.
In fact, I was secretly getting into manga and anime at this time and met a girl in the church there that was a big fan of it as well and was just alot of fun to hang out with. I became infatuated with this person. Crushed pretty hard on her I did. But my family situation and the fact she lived 4 hours away did not help things at all. But we met every once and eventually I built up the courage to secretly ask her if she had any feelings for me and to my surprise she said she did. Though really she was just kinda on a rebound as someone she was crushing on had just revealed what his feelings were. This kinda lasted only a couple weeks and she decided she didn't realy feel that way after all. It kinda hurt a little bit but we both were cool about it and stayed friends for quite a while after and things completely smoothed over.
Eventually she moved back to california with her dad and dropped this religion all together. I haven't heard from her in years. I still have her art book she left here. If I see her again someday it'll be cool to go back and talk about those days of anime music video making, drawing and, other stuff.
THE REALLY IMPORTANT PART OF THE BLOG STARTS HERE
Fast forward a few more years ahead to last spring.
My dad is a literally disgusting and mentally ill person,and obviously still unemployed. We've finally broken free of his bull**** and have been so for awhile. He's still around since he does pay a few bills and does actually care about the two dogs we ended up getting somehow under one of his whims.
Somewhere in that time perios he'd stolen 40 grand in forged credit cards from my mom and been thrown out of the church even kinda though that establishment has disbanded so it doesn't even count. Which she had to pay off.
He's disowned me like I give a f*** though lol and knows not to pull any of that physical **** with me or anyone else anymore or I'll break his face.
I've still held on to my faith in God despite what's happened and found out for myself what truth I could over the years..my views of course are drastically different than his though.
Also in that time I met all the amazing people that later would found and be a part of Next Wonder Horizon and the OTL thread and others
Many of them are known now a days under different usernames but I'll list them with names they had when I met them, you maye even recognize a few..
Adam/DevilwillCry
Kasey/Heartz
Karina/~Kawaii Bunny~
Lester/DarkLeviathan89
Kristoff/Phoniexokaze
Chris/Cinder
John/ProBrawler
Jon/Luso
Luke/XFadingNirvanaX
Kyle/Chaco
Travis/Yuukiwarashi
Kristl/Zero
Mitsurugi
Duo
SmashGigas
Unknown17
Burrbomb
Pentasalia
Bmaster14
Falchion
Serris
And everyone I'm sorry I didn't mention..You guys really helped me get through a hard last leg of that section of my life and I truely am grateful and wish you all the best in whatever you're now doing.
I'm 18 it's spring I'm more free now from all the things that were holding me down or I think so at least, the three of us: my sister and mom have a pretty strong bond from all that we went through and all have our own scarrs from it.
I get my liscence to drive and take up the offer my grandparents on my dad's side of the family offered the year before when I was still restricted by bull****
Pretty pathetic that it took until I was 18 for us to finally break free of that ******* but..oh well..
So I headed up to New York the end of june. My granpdparents store since I was baby had evolved into a store/pizza shop/hardware store/hair salon plaza. The Hardware store and salon, although owned by the family worked independently of the store/pizza shop. From an outsider's view they look like all seperate places. But behind where customers can't get to, everything is connected. It's kinda cool.
The pizza shop manager Uncle and Aunt took me into their home and that's where I resided. I would get up when they did and leave work when they did. At this point I had no calling in my life and didn't really care where I was or what I was doing. My life felt pointless. Not really in a deppressing sort of way. Just I didn't know what to do so I might as well just go with whatever's going on kind of deal.
I worked a 50-60 hour week and for a while was payed under the table and once they realized that I wasn't going anywhere(about a month they put me on the payroll and even though I stilled worked mostly the same hours, I was cut back to 40 hours' pay..though I was living with them so I felt it was kind of even..) I'm more of the quiet kind of person that would prefer to watch life happen than actually be a part. I feel awkward when I'm actually involved in something. Probably due to the fact that my education was private rather than public. I feel I got more out as far as an education than I would have going to public school but..I socialized with people so little in comparison to alot of people... But I slowly opened up to the people around me. Some were wilder than I was used to but all nice people. It's a friendly little town Norfolk..
I slowly started gravitating towards working more and more in the pizza shop rather than the store and as I got to more of them I started hanging out with them after work as well. I was 18 and the youngest one there was 21 who we all joked around due to the fact she's a near idenctical twin to one of my cousins up there, despite not being related in anyway. Some of the customer's even accidentally call her my cousin's name truely mistaking her for someone else lol.
All 21+ drinking and going out was pretty high on the list of stuff to do for fun. It was a group of people that I never was exposed to all that much, at first because I wasn't allowed or couldn't and later because it really didn't interest me and of course legality and no transportation kinda.
I started hanging out with them more and when they wouldn't have a DD I'd take them out and look after them.
At a pool party of sorts (really just a after work get-together) at my aunt's house, I had my first beer. Actually I ended up having like 10 but she doesn't know I had that many even to this day.
One of the guys was braggin about how much he could drink so we were havig a contest kind of lol
It was bud lite which is a pretty weak beer. So even after downing 10 in around an hour even though I felt a little buzzed and my reactions in my mind felt slowed, I was still in complete control of my body. It was a great night.
Those summer days were the most fun I had had in a very long time. I started hanging out with one of the girls that worked there more and more, I hadn't had much time to play video games since I had come there. And I came to find she liked games just as much as I did. I actually ended up leaving my wii system there at her appartment and we would play it when I went over or a bunch of us got together. I came to find as we hung out more we had alot of things in common. We both liked action and scifi movies, used to enjoy drawing our favorite characters all the time and were fans of anime.
Watching Death Note with another human being is not something I ever expected to do ever lol
We also found alot of other things we shared like our past lives and how things hadn't really worked out for us up until this point. As the weeks turned into a few months up there I realized I felt more than just friendship for this person. I truely cared about her and wanted be with her and help her and be there for her when things didn't go right.
One of the coversations we had she was talking about her past relationships and how things had always went bad, she never had someone she could ever actually count on..
One of the nights when it was just the two of us..I told her I wanted to be that person, someone she could rely on that would be there for her no matter what. I told her that I loved her...
It took me three days of painfull undeciciveness to build up the courage to say that. After what seemed like an eternity which probably was only 30 seconds or a minute. She told me that she felt the same way about me.
An amazing feeling that is..we talked after that for about and hour or so about it and then we hugged and said good night.
Now this all sounds happy and cool story bro and fine and good, unless you remember how old the people that work at the pizza shop are. And this wasn't the girl that was 21 either...
This was the girl that was 26 ...and with kids..
18 and 26..Not the ideal age gap is it..? My family didn't think so keep reading.
So we started seeing each other more and more over the weeks after that. We worked at the same place so we were in contact alot of the time. On wednesdays she worked and I didn't so I would play with the kids that day instead of her getting a baby sitter. Plus I wanted to see her kids. I like kids pretty well, aside from the one being a cry baby even more so than usual for his age 2 they were really good kids as well. And if I was going to be with her, kids and a family and supporting that family are major part of it. Even though she would have none of that as far as the support thing goes from me. Kept telling me it was all right for right now to get my life more around before focusing too much on them...
I was at the time putting my entire paycheck into savings hoping I could get through to be at that point quickly..
This simple happy bliss we were in would not last however. Originally we were just going to be open about it but soon realized the fact was it would be absolute hell for both of us if either my family out home or family up here found out.
We started spacing out days we would see each other and be extra carefull of how we acted around each other act work..which probably made things more suspicious instead of less..
We did our best to make the most of the time we could spend together.
As the weeks continued to go by I started resenting my family for the way I knew they would be if I was truely "found out". Not so much to me but to her. Would the make her life miserable? How would it affect her job? Would she have to look elsewhere for work because of me? All these thing started runningthrough my head as well. My worries for us and for her and the fact she was having health problems at the time and so I was worried about that a as well. I lost 20 pounds in a month because of all the stress of it all. More than anything I did not want to lose her.
She too was miserable because of it and there were times.. she would cry in my arms..not wanting to lose me and be alone again..I conforted her the best I could but what I could I really say. She was afraid of the exact same things I was.
Middle end of fall. Half of the pizza shop knows about us being together the other half doesn't really know or has no clue. My family questions the things that I do and put more limits on things I can and can't do.
I still don't have enough money to get a half decent car or support myself in any way.
She and our friends who know are together one night. We talk about going out on our own breaking away and just doing our own thing. They would help I'd go on her insurance for a little while and drive and we'd figure out someway to for both of us to get to our jobs and she'd find a different job and at this I kinda stopped the whole thing mid conversation...
We're in an economic depression. Jobs are hard to come by. She's a manager and makes ok money for where's she's working. To just drop that and go elsewhere when she's barely getting by as it is..and then to add me into the picture..who hasn't a vehicle at the time and would also need to find another job elsewhere. Most importantly..what of the kids..and that kind of ended that idea right there..because we both knew that we couldn't put them through that.
I asked her to wait for me. I'd get my life straigntened around as soon as I could so that all that wouldn't matter so much..
And so the a couple more weeks went by... At some point before that convo we had did something I had never thought...and Jam is right Love is deffinately something more after that....
We had been together for 3-4 months. And even we hadn't been together very long at this point I felt like this was the person I wanted to spend my life with..
And then....
My mom and sister came for a visit..
They had been coming up every month or so but this time it felt different and me and her decided to keep our distance from each other while they were up. This time I was going to go back to PA for a week or two and visit with everyone I left behind.
It hurt knowing she couldn't come with me..but it also was going to be good to see everyone again..and maybe catch up with some online friends I hadn't heard from in a while..
The day I left I came to her house and we talk about me going and what was going on with my other aunt who we had just learned shortly before had cancer and how aweful that was and how it would screw up work and how we would miss each other and all that stuff...
We stayed in each others arms for as long as we dared (I had said I had some friends to say goodbye to and wouldn't be gone long while they were getting ready to go)...and then kissed and said goodbye...little did we know that it would be for good...
I left with a pretty heavy heart, but I did my best not to show it to my family.
I returned to the place I had called home. It felt as if time had stood still since I had left. Everything was as I left it. And aside from my room now having some random gym equipment of mom's in it that was the same. I met up with my friends I have here and it was like I never left. Still ***** them all at Metroid Prime Hunters, still laughed and joked with Josh for acting like a flamer but still strongly denying being gay. Still geeking out with JRO about old pokemon and random games,same unambitiouns often empty Honor's Wrath gaming clan. Grammy still fighting with Ding (my great Grandmother) over the most idiotic thing while my uncle laughs at them both, still going to their house on weekends to play cards and listen to my sister and cousin pretend like they can sing..
It was cool kinda how things were the same and it was great seeing eevryone..but time and being away had changed me...a part of me felt very out of place to be back where I started..and I missed her very much. We talked as much as we could over aim and when I could be alone we'd talk over the phone. Our house is small not really any place that's private in it.
And then..I was in the car with my mom alone one day and she told me she knew all about everything. My stomach turned over at least twice when she said that.
And very unfortunatly..it was pretty much exactly as I thought it would be. I was hard fighting back the tears and rage listening to all she had to say about us and about her. I also knew I was at the moment powerless to do anything. I was still not even in a possession of my own vehicle.
I didn't say anything in response. There was nothing to say. And had gotten through that hell that was the last 12 years of our lives together. I care alot about my mom..In the end she said if I was going to cotinue in any way at all.. it was going to be made completely open and under their supervision.
I talked to her about what mom had said and it was just a mess after that. But we would figure it out when I got a back. The first week was slow as hell after that point. and then second week went by another string over ever lasting eternities and then as the second week was apporaching an end. Me and her would finally be reunited and we could figure things out from there.
Something happened and I had to go to the doctor. So another 5 day of hell waiting until the appointment would be...the appointment comes and I get scheduled for surgery december 4th..another about 2 weeks to wait..We try to keep talking as much as we can get away with without my family knowing. She starts worrying that I'll never return..the days between then and the surgery her health problems are worse and she has more problems with her ex and has some issues with my family up there..and just more bad things in general keep happening as I'm gone..
The surgery finally gets here. Even numbed the physical pain is stil very there..but it's all good because it's just an obstacle to overcome to get back to her.
But there are complications and another week goes by..
At this point she, due to everything going seeming to go wrong in her life; physically, financially,and everything else and the fact that I'm still gone and it'll probably be hell when I do get back..she's not doing very good...
The week I come back I decide that I'm going to just get my things and go back.
Between that last week alot of things were said and in the end we both decided..that at least for now we can't be together. So now I'm back here a little over a month has gone by since we finally said what I feared would be since after I came back here..
Begining of January I got a job here and it's the middle of february just about.
My heart often feels like it does tonight..though some nights are worse than others..like a extremely heavy bowling ball are other blunt obeject is lying on the center of my chest. Somtimes it's a sharper pain and other times not... Depsite the length of this I've left a lot of details about alot of things..there's just no way to fit everything in as it is now this blog is really long. It all seems so pointless now.. random side note now that they all know it's over their whole view on how they handled and would have handled things is no where near as severe as it originally was..whatever..the cancer **** going and my life issues that I've had to live with together with my family I guess I can't be too super pissed...can I? I sure want to be at times..all these emotions that I can't do anything with except keep to myself..life is hell right now..and I miss her so much and I can barely talk to her anymore..going back to being friends..it's alot easier said than done..especially when everyone around wants you to have no part with her, on top of all the other things that make this hard..
Writing this actually made it feel worse..oh well lol..
Thank you for reading if you got through the whole thing..
I guess what I want to know..is what you think. Post your thoughts that you have on any of the parts or the whole thing whatever..
If you have advice for me..I'll take it as best I can..I don't really see where any advice will get me anywhere at this point though...
TL;DR and summary:
Basically my life summarized..I hate where I am..I hate who I am..and all I couldn't do and be..I'm lonely and depressed and miss her and I can't say anything about it because it'd only make other people's lives including hers more miserable..
Sorry for the grammtical errors. It is pretty long and this took much longer to write than I thought it would so I'm simply out of time for tonight.
And looking back today..this blog is way too long no one's going to read this .___.;
I've been racking my mind over whether or not to post this..I said I would do it, didn't like it when someone did it for me and probably will regret doing it after I've done it, especially if anyone I know in real life or know online who also knows people I know in real life see this..
I really don't know what I want out of this either...but I'm heart literally feels like it's being crushed ( which also gives you and idea of what this will be about) today and maybe telling about it will give me some relief..
But..so many other people all ready have their own problems and have posted them..it's becoming a reccuring theme on here right now for user blogs...oh well I guess another one to add to the list..
If you can't get through the whole thing..at least start at the yellow..
So hi there, my name is...Ben short and easy to remember. Kinda sucks because my name's so easy to remember but I have trouble remembering names lol.
I was born in a little town or maybe not so little in PA,called Bethlehem. I say that because I have absolutely no memmories of that place. Shortly after I was born my parents moved up to Norfolk, New York where my dad's dad and family owned a grocery store. We stayed there for a couple years, I don't have very memories of that place either. My Mom hated as she felt like her life was being completely run over do to the abrasive and pushiness of my dad's family, especially my grandparents.
A little over two years after staying up there my little sister was born up at Maseena hospital, she was a very, very loud child as a baby. My dad having fought with his family, for some reason or another he wanted to take over the store, and his little sister(both in terms of age and size), my aunt and the person running it, literally kicked his ***, and my Mom tired of being driven all over the place....we moved down to the little village, yes village of Gillett. It's not empahisis is on the first syllable though unlike the what's most likely coming to your mind as you read this.
The place is where most of my life I have lived. We started off in a little trailer by some friend of my Grandmother(my Mom's side) and that's where we resided for a few months maybe about a year. Bony the friend was a carpenter, at least on the side and made me wooden trains and stuff. He was a really cool guy and I wish I would have gotten to know him better when I got older. Sadly he passed away later and so I will never have that opportunity.
My Mom's mother was currently residing in a house near there and decided to move out and live elsewhere. I don't remember the details, but I think it was related to wanting to help out my great grandmother by moving in with her.
She pratically gave the house away at a price of 15 grand. On the otherside though...the house was a disaster. On top of not taking care of the place and just letting it run down to the ground, she was a collector...of cats. And like a typical collector she had a ton of them and they did whatever they wanted. The house was disgusting. plastered and filthy from years of animals "relieving themselves" wherever they pleased and other things.
I was 3 at the time. With the help of my mom's entire relevent family and my dad, we got the place cleaned out and made into something livable.
For about 4 years after we got there I was a happy child. Went to a daycare/prechool like place and made friends, had a cool best friend who had the same passion I had at the time for legos and making rediculously complex things out of them. I was a pretty smart child. Don't really know what happened to that part lol.
Though I didn't undertand love back then at all(I did watch lots of disney movies though and sort of understand that idea of love lol) I even had a girl I really liked to play and hang out with.
My mom was pretty happy most of the time and though her temper was kinda short if you did something wrong, she got over things very fast.
And my dad, he was just a ton of fun do do all kinds of things with. He was the kind of awesome dad like you see in sob story movies who ends up dying or some **** like that.
But things started to change some point between me being 6-7
My dad started not being the fun, happy person he used to be. Angry because of one thing or another. Doing embarrassing things in public, like fighting with a Mcdonald's employee over a minor easily fixable problem and blowing it way out of proportion. Or one time I can remember we were getting groceries at Bilo and my little sister saw a container with Brownies, she was such a cute soft spoken child back then. (once she hit like two she went from being very loud to very quiet) Mom said yes, and she went over to the counter, grabbed them and placed them up on the register. My dad came around just as she was putting them on the register. He literally screamed at my little sister for doing it. My mom telling him that she had give her permission made no difference. I don't remember what was said or what happened after..just that image of her being screamed at like that..
Shortly before or after then, my dad discovered Reformed Protestantism. An obscure, small and far away sect of christianity that had shunned many others, seeing itself as a much purer form of the religion. The "main" pastor of this church resided in Canada at the time. I may or may not go into the details of it, but I will give you my dad's take on it to start with.
He was the head of the household and as such his word was law under the church's/ government's and only under the government's as long as what the government said was compliant to the churche's views.
This means, he could do whatever he wanted to whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted, however he wanted pretty much without any need to respect anyone else's feelings or thought's on any subject or matter at hand.
On top of that we lost the ability to celebrate any of the holidays that had any religious meaning behind them as they were seen as sinfull or erronious by our church.
No Easter, No Valentine's day, No Thanksfgiving(that one doesn't even make sense in that context but we lost that one too anywaylol) and No Christmas.
Santa didn't exist anymore. At this time I was 7ish, my sister was 5 and my cousin who, we were in constant contact with even to this day was 3.
My Mom's side of the family was absolutely furious. Christams was a HUGE, HUGE thing for my mom's side of the family. It was like a big family reunion every year. Everyone would get together and have fun and share stories of their lives and all the normal christmas stuff of course.
All because of some obscure version of a religion none of them had never really held to. Needless to say..to this day every single one of them, aside from my grandmother's cousin's family has and will always have absolutely nothing to do with any religion of any kind.
My Mom fought it hard, she even went back up on her own with us to my dad's family, the people she couldn't stand to get away. But this only lasted a couple months..my mom's wasn't very strong back then as far as wil power and conviction goes..after being persuaded by both him and the pastor from canada she came back after a couple months..
Where things proceeded to continue to go downhill from there.
My dad became more micro managing, obsessive and just mean.
Depite our rediculously low mortgage, due to the job my dad had chosen to work in. A small no name insurance company that had no benefits of any kind of than the fact that you were essentially your own boss. You didn't sell anything, you didn't make money.
My mom started working cleaning houses, and eventually transitioned to working exclusively at the Bed and Breakfast a big house that had been turned into a motel by my great aunt,who also is no longer with us. She's often spend entire days working there cleaning the entire house.
How we loathed whenever she would leave, because as bad as he was when she was there..he was much, much worse whenever we were alone with him.
I remember one time me and my sister were folding the laundery on the floor and I was sitting on one side and she was on the other. He told me to move and he pointed where. I though I had put myself where he had wanted. And when he walked back in and saw me where I was sitting...well it wasn't what he wanted lets just say. lol
When I was old enough to go to school I was given a choice by my mom as to whether or not to go to public school. I was a shy and introverted child at this point and decided to be homeschooled instead. Why one would give a child that age that choice is kinda beyond me but..
And so homeschooled I was and I lived my life doing things and going through **** like the things listed above about everyday. And then..it got worse..
When I was around 10, my dad, burst a disc in his back while working because he was too lazy to get his *** out of the car and so contorted himself in a impossible way to try to reach something on the floor behind his chair.
Even though he could have had surgery done and a relatively low risk one at that, he decided to stay with his left arm immobilized and himself unable to get a job.
Now there was no escape from him, we had to deal with him 24/7. My mom would fight with him often and get at first get things like" Watch your tonge, It's not your place, You will Submit" and other's when he would lose an arguement, but mostly that was his response to anything she said that he didn't agree with. He also got a new punishment device for us. An elastic rod which he would use whenever we didn't do things exactly as he desired or even if we did sometimes if that was the kind of mood he was in.
Why my mom didn't leave or so something is beyond me...it's like those abusive relationships you see on tv..only it's not tv..He didn't ever touch her but the verbal abuse.. Rediculous does not fit but it's the first thing that came to mind..
Her family to this day does not know the extent of which he took things. My grandmother and my mom's brother both are pretty blunt and very short tempered people. They would have truely killed him had they known what was going on. Probably part of why she didn't do much anything.
My grandmother is stronger than most men even today, My uncle who used to frequent the gym and when he did benched well over 300 pounds and could not move her arm when they had an arm wrestling contest a few years back, something she brags about from time to time.lol She didn't try to win, but her arm did not move no matter how hard he tried. It was funny as hell to watch her all calm and with a big grin on her face while he turned beat red and started getting veins popping out while he tried to get even an inch on her lol
She could only be stronger back when the majority of this crap was going on. One time she was at our house. We were trying to get our new vcr working.
It was a sunday. Now if you had been reading up to this point you know my dad is a religious nut. Sunday was a no go for anything.
His response was to not do anything and that we had better stop what we were doing and do it tomorrow. Him and Mom started fighting and eventually Grammy got pissed and actually pinned him against a wall at the neck in a choke hold. He cooled off really fast but still would not do anything. But yeah they all hated him and still strongly dislike him.
Back to the sunday thing now that he had all this freetime to do things he started buying books. ****loads of books. And we would sit at the table for sometimes 2 or 3 hours at a sitting going through books that people in college or maybe highschool would look through. And we'd have two or three of these "sittings" a sunday.
Fast forward a few years, I've spent the majority of my life at this point as the target of the abuse that he felt so inclined to give and it hit it's worst at this point. I won't go into the details on this one i will just say that after it happened the second time my mom told me if he looked like he was going to do it again to just run away and get her or if she was not there to just run outside and stay away until she came back or he calmed down.
After this point once I discovered it was "Wrong" for something like to happen, (duh right? we were so brainwashed you wouldn't believe how stupid you can really be..) I secretly started building up my body and making myself stronger. About this time school was getting harder match especially. We were moving into algebra..we ended up doing match for the summer. We jokingly now call the "summer of hell". He would get us up whenever he felt like, oftentimes as early as 4:30 in the morning and we would sit there until 5-7 at night working on problems in the math books we had. Insane isn't it? My talked to previously mentioned Pastor from canada about it and he said that he didn't really know either way. He wasn't doing anything explicity "sinfull" so there really wasn't much anything that could be done. We made it through and fall came by mom made it a point that this would not happen again, regardless of the church's support. This and the thing mentioned before my mom started getting more aware..or at least stronger willed.
The summer of hell over I was a teenager 14 or 15 I forget. Another thing about this church of ours..because like I said they had seperated themselves from many other denominations, members could absolutely not be involved romantically with anyone outside of the church.
Well I did actually did start meeting some of the people that were members of our church at this point. Unlike the twisted and screwed up lives we had lives we had lived, these familes were pretty much normal.
They even had things like earings and odd dyed hair Lol.
In fact, I was secretly getting into manga and anime at this time and met a girl in the church there that was a big fan of it as well and was just alot of fun to hang out with. I became infatuated with this person. Crushed pretty hard on her I did. But my family situation and the fact she lived 4 hours away did not help things at all. But we met every once and eventually I built up the courage to secretly ask her if she had any feelings for me and to my surprise she said she did. Though really she was just kinda on a rebound as someone she was crushing on had just revealed what his feelings were. This kinda lasted only a couple weeks and she decided she didn't realy feel that way after all. It kinda hurt a little bit but we both were cool about it and stayed friends for quite a while after and things completely smoothed over.
Eventually she moved back to california with her dad and dropped this religion all together. I haven't heard from her in years. I still have her art book she left here. If I see her again someday it'll be cool to go back and talk about those days of anime music video making, drawing and, other stuff.
THE REALLY IMPORTANT PART OF THE BLOG STARTS HERE
Fast forward a few more years ahead to last spring.
My dad is a literally disgusting and mentally ill person,and obviously still unemployed. We've finally broken free of his bull**** and have been so for awhile. He's still around since he does pay a few bills and does actually care about the two dogs we ended up getting somehow under one of his whims.
Somewhere in that time perios he'd stolen 40 grand in forged credit cards from my mom and been thrown out of the church even kinda though that establishment has disbanded so it doesn't even count. Which she had to pay off.
He's disowned me like I give a f*** though lol and knows not to pull any of that physical **** with me or anyone else anymore or I'll break his face.
I've still held on to my faith in God despite what's happened and found out for myself what truth I could over the years..my views of course are drastically different than his though.
Also in that time I met all the amazing people that later would found and be a part of Next Wonder Horizon and the OTL thread and others
Many of them are known now a days under different usernames but I'll list them with names they had when I met them, you maye even recognize a few..
Adam/DevilwillCry
Kasey/Heartz
Karina/~Kawaii Bunny~
Lester/DarkLeviathan89
Kristoff/Phoniexokaze
Chris/Cinder
John/ProBrawler
Jon/Luso
Luke/XFadingNirvanaX
Kyle/Chaco
Travis/Yuukiwarashi
Kristl/Zero
Mitsurugi
Duo
SmashGigas
Unknown17
Burrbomb
Pentasalia
Bmaster14
Falchion
Serris
And everyone I'm sorry I didn't mention..You guys really helped me get through a hard last leg of that section of my life and I truely am grateful and wish you all the best in whatever you're now doing.
I'm 18 it's spring I'm more free now from all the things that were holding me down or I think so at least, the three of us: my sister and mom have a pretty strong bond from all that we went through and all have our own scarrs from it.
I get my liscence to drive and take up the offer my grandparents on my dad's side of the family offered the year before when I was still restricted by bull****
Pretty pathetic that it took until I was 18 for us to finally break free of that ******* but..oh well..
So I headed up to New York the end of june. My granpdparents store since I was baby had evolved into a store/pizza shop/hardware store/hair salon plaza. The Hardware store and salon, although owned by the family worked independently of the store/pizza shop. From an outsider's view they look like all seperate places. But behind where customers can't get to, everything is connected. It's kinda cool.
The pizza shop manager Uncle and Aunt took me into their home and that's where I resided. I would get up when they did and leave work when they did. At this point I had no calling in my life and didn't really care where I was or what I was doing. My life felt pointless. Not really in a deppressing sort of way. Just I didn't know what to do so I might as well just go with whatever's going on kind of deal.
I worked a 50-60 hour week and for a while was payed under the table and once they realized that I wasn't going anywhere(about a month they put me on the payroll and even though I stilled worked mostly the same hours, I was cut back to 40 hours' pay..though I was living with them so I felt it was kind of even..) I'm more of the quiet kind of person that would prefer to watch life happen than actually be a part. I feel awkward when I'm actually involved in something. Probably due to the fact that my education was private rather than public. I feel I got more out as far as an education than I would have going to public school but..I socialized with people so little in comparison to alot of people... But I slowly opened up to the people around me. Some were wilder than I was used to but all nice people. It's a friendly little town Norfolk..
I slowly started gravitating towards working more and more in the pizza shop rather than the store and as I got to more of them I started hanging out with them after work as well. I was 18 and the youngest one there was 21 who we all joked around due to the fact she's a near idenctical twin to one of my cousins up there, despite not being related in anyway. Some of the customer's even accidentally call her my cousin's name truely mistaking her for someone else lol.
All 21+ drinking and going out was pretty high on the list of stuff to do for fun. It was a group of people that I never was exposed to all that much, at first because I wasn't allowed or couldn't and later because it really didn't interest me and of course legality and no transportation kinda.
I started hanging out with them more and when they wouldn't have a DD I'd take them out and look after them.
At a pool party of sorts (really just a after work get-together) at my aunt's house, I had my first beer. Actually I ended up having like 10 but she doesn't know I had that many even to this day.
One of the guys was braggin about how much he could drink so we were havig a contest kind of lol
It was bud lite which is a pretty weak beer. So even after downing 10 in around an hour even though I felt a little buzzed and my reactions in my mind felt slowed, I was still in complete control of my body. It was a great night.
Those summer days were the most fun I had had in a very long time. I started hanging out with one of the girls that worked there more and more, I hadn't had much time to play video games since I had come there. And I came to find she liked games just as much as I did. I actually ended up leaving my wii system there at her appartment and we would play it when I went over or a bunch of us got together. I came to find as we hung out more we had alot of things in common. We both liked action and scifi movies, used to enjoy drawing our favorite characters all the time and were fans of anime.
Watching Death Note with another human being is not something I ever expected to do ever lol
We also found alot of other things we shared like our past lives and how things hadn't really worked out for us up until this point. As the weeks turned into a few months up there I realized I felt more than just friendship for this person. I truely cared about her and wanted be with her and help her and be there for her when things didn't go right.
One of the coversations we had she was talking about her past relationships and how things had always went bad, she never had someone she could ever actually count on..
One of the nights when it was just the two of us..I told her I wanted to be that person, someone she could rely on that would be there for her no matter what. I told her that I loved her...
It took me three days of painfull undeciciveness to build up the courage to say that. After what seemed like an eternity which probably was only 30 seconds or a minute. She told me that she felt the same way about me.
An amazing feeling that is..we talked after that for about and hour or so about it and then we hugged and said good night.
Now this all sounds happy and cool story bro and fine and good, unless you remember how old the people that work at the pizza shop are. And this wasn't the girl that was 21 either...
This was the girl that was 26 ...and with kids..
18 and 26..Not the ideal age gap is it..? My family didn't think so keep reading.
So we started seeing each other more and more over the weeks after that. We worked at the same place so we were in contact alot of the time. On wednesdays she worked and I didn't so I would play with the kids that day instead of her getting a baby sitter. Plus I wanted to see her kids. I like kids pretty well, aside from the one being a cry baby even more so than usual for his age 2 they were really good kids as well. And if I was going to be with her, kids and a family and supporting that family are major part of it. Even though she would have none of that as far as the support thing goes from me. Kept telling me it was all right for right now to get my life more around before focusing too much on them...
I was at the time putting my entire paycheck into savings hoping I could get through to be at that point quickly..
This simple happy bliss we were in would not last however. Originally we were just going to be open about it but soon realized the fact was it would be absolute hell for both of us if either my family out home or family up here found out.
We started spacing out days we would see each other and be extra carefull of how we acted around each other act work..which probably made things more suspicious instead of less..
We did our best to make the most of the time we could spend together.
As the weeks continued to go by I started resenting my family for the way I knew they would be if I was truely "found out". Not so much to me but to her. Would the make her life miserable? How would it affect her job? Would she have to look elsewhere for work because of me? All these thing started runningthrough my head as well. My worries for us and for her and the fact she was having health problems at the time and so I was worried about that a as well. I lost 20 pounds in a month because of all the stress of it all. More than anything I did not want to lose her.
She too was miserable because of it and there were times.. she would cry in my arms..not wanting to lose me and be alone again..I conforted her the best I could but what I could I really say. She was afraid of the exact same things I was.
Middle end of fall. Half of the pizza shop knows about us being together the other half doesn't really know or has no clue. My family questions the things that I do and put more limits on things I can and can't do.
I still don't have enough money to get a half decent car or support myself in any way.
She and our friends who know are together one night. We talk about going out on our own breaking away and just doing our own thing. They would help I'd go on her insurance for a little while and drive and we'd figure out someway to for both of us to get to our jobs and she'd find a different job and at this I kinda stopped the whole thing mid conversation...
We're in an economic depression. Jobs are hard to come by. She's a manager and makes ok money for where's she's working. To just drop that and go elsewhere when she's barely getting by as it is..and then to add me into the picture..who hasn't a vehicle at the time and would also need to find another job elsewhere. Most importantly..what of the kids..and that kind of ended that idea right there..because we both knew that we couldn't put them through that.
I asked her to wait for me. I'd get my life straigntened around as soon as I could so that all that wouldn't matter so much..
And so the a couple more weeks went by... At some point before that convo we had did something I had never thought...and Jam is right Love is deffinately something more after that....
We had been together for 3-4 months. And even we hadn't been together very long at this point I felt like this was the person I wanted to spend my life with..
And then....
My mom and sister came for a visit..
They had been coming up every month or so but this time it felt different and me and her decided to keep our distance from each other while they were up. This time I was going to go back to PA for a week or two and visit with everyone I left behind.
It hurt knowing she couldn't come with me..but it also was going to be good to see everyone again..and maybe catch up with some online friends I hadn't heard from in a while..
The day I left I came to her house and we talk about me going and what was going on with my other aunt who we had just learned shortly before had cancer and how aweful that was and how it would screw up work and how we would miss each other and all that stuff...
We stayed in each others arms for as long as we dared (I had said I had some friends to say goodbye to and wouldn't be gone long while they were getting ready to go)...and then kissed and said goodbye...little did we know that it would be for good...
I left with a pretty heavy heart, but I did my best not to show it to my family.
I returned to the place I had called home. It felt as if time had stood still since I had left. Everything was as I left it. And aside from my room now having some random gym equipment of mom's in it that was the same. I met up with my friends I have here and it was like I never left. Still ***** them all at Metroid Prime Hunters, still laughed and joked with Josh for acting like a flamer but still strongly denying being gay. Still geeking out with JRO about old pokemon and random games,same unambitiouns often empty Honor's Wrath gaming clan. Grammy still fighting with Ding (my great Grandmother) over the most idiotic thing while my uncle laughs at them both, still going to their house on weekends to play cards and listen to my sister and cousin pretend like they can sing..
It was cool kinda how things were the same and it was great seeing eevryone..but time and being away had changed me...a part of me felt very out of place to be back where I started..and I missed her very much. We talked as much as we could over aim and when I could be alone we'd talk over the phone. Our house is small not really any place that's private in it.
And then..I was in the car with my mom alone one day and she told me she knew all about everything. My stomach turned over at least twice when she said that.
And very unfortunatly..it was pretty much exactly as I thought it would be. I was hard fighting back the tears and rage listening to all she had to say about us and about her. I also knew I was at the moment powerless to do anything. I was still not even in a possession of my own vehicle.
I didn't say anything in response. There was nothing to say. And had gotten through that hell that was the last 12 years of our lives together. I care alot about my mom..In the end she said if I was going to cotinue in any way at all.. it was going to be made completely open and under their supervision.
I talked to her about what mom had said and it was just a mess after that. But we would figure it out when I got a back. The first week was slow as hell after that point. and then second week went by another string over ever lasting eternities and then as the second week was apporaching an end. Me and her would finally be reunited and we could figure things out from there.
Something happened and I had to go to the doctor. So another 5 day of hell waiting until the appointment would be...the appointment comes and I get scheduled for surgery december 4th..another about 2 weeks to wait..We try to keep talking as much as we can get away with without my family knowing. She starts worrying that I'll never return..the days between then and the surgery her health problems are worse and she has more problems with her ex and has some issues with my family up there..and just more bad things in general keep happening as I'm gone..
The surgery finally gets here. Even numbed the physical pain is stil very there..but it's all good because it's just an obstacle to overcome to get back to her.
But there are complications and another week goes by..
At this point she, due to everything going seeming to go wrong in her life; physically, financially,and everything else and the fact that I'm still gone and it'll probably be hell when I do get back..she's not doing very good...
The week I come back I decide that I'm going to just get my things and go back.
Between that last week alot of things were said and in the end we both decided..that at least for now we can't be together. So now I'm back here a little over a month has gone by since we finally said what I feared would be since after I came back here..
Begining of January I got a job here and it's the middle of february just about.
My heart often feels like it does tonight..though some nights are worse than others..like a extremely heavy bowling ball are other blunt obeject is lying on the center of my chest. Somtimes it's a sharper pain and other times not... Depsite the length of this I've left a lot of details about alot of things..there's just no way to fit everything in as it is now this blog is really long. It all seems so pointless now.. random side note now that they all know it's over their whole view on how they handled and would have handled things is no where near as severe as it originally was..whatever..the cancer **** going and my life issues that I've had to live with together with my family I guess I can't be too super pissed...can I? I sure want to be at times..all these emotions that I can't do anything with except keep to myself..life is hell right now..and I miss her so much and I can barely talk to her anymore..going back to being friends..it's alot easier said than done..especially when everyone around wants you to have no part with her, on top of all the other things that make this hard..
Writing this actually made it feel worse..oh well lol..
Thank you for reading if you got through the whole thing..
I guess what I want to know..is what you think. Post your thoughts that you have on any of the parts or the whole thing whatever..
If you have advice for me..I'll take it as best I can..I don't really see where any advice will get me anywhere at this point though...
TL;DR and summary:
Basically my life summarized..I hate where I am..I hate who I am..and all I couldn't do and be..I'm lonely and depressed and miss her and I can't say anything about it because it'd only make other people's lives including hers more miserable..
Sorry for the grammtical errors. It is pretty long and this took much longer to write than I thought it would so I'm simply out of time for tonight.
And looking back today..this blog is way too long no one's going to read this .___.;
